Lip Sync Battle (2015) s05e08 Episode Script

Big Bird vs. Jason Schwartzman

1 - Hit it! - (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) It takes two To make a thing go right Yeah - Hit it! - I wanna rock right now I'm not internationally known But I'm known to rock a microphone Because I get stupid, I mean outrageous Stay away from me if you're contagious Like one, two, three - Get loose now - It takes two (CROWD CHEERING) Lip Sync Battle, are you ready? Yes! It's a big one tonight.
But before we get this sync fest off the ground, make some noise for your man of the house, let's give it up for LL Cool J! They call me Big L'y, Big Silly Big Money, Big Billy Hands up! Hands up! Lemme hear you say "yeah!" CROWD: Yeah! - Now, scream! - (AUDIENCE SCREAMS) She's exceptional.
She's intellectual.
She's delectable.
She's Chrissy Teigen! - (CHEERING) - (CHRISSY PURRS) We stalkin' some prey tonight, Chrissy? "L" is for leopard.
(ROLLS TONGUE) If you're ready to meet the stars that'll be battling it out, make some noise! - (CHEERING) - Let's get it! He starred in movies like Rushmore and The Grand Budapest Hotel.
And you can catch him in the TV series Wet Hot American Summer.
Make some noise for Jason Schwartzman! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) And now, standing at eight feet, five inches tall.
My childhood dream come to life, a bonafide legend.
And the only six year-old with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Snuffy's best friend in the world, forever.
Put your hands together for Big Bird! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - Hello.
- Hello, there.
LL COOL J: Wow.
I like your tie, Big Bird! Oh, thank you very much.
It's a very special day, so I thought I'd wear a very special tie.
(CHEERING) - Chrissy! - I'm, like, overcome with emotion.
This is beautiful.
Jason, how hard are you regretting this right now? LL COOL J: I love it.
Jason, you come on over here.
- You go first.
Big Bird, you go to the VIP.
- All right.
And Jason, you come on over here.
- (CHEERING) - LL COOL J: So, Jason, what is your first song gonna be? My first song, uh, it's a very, very high degree of difficulty.
I'm gonna do it first just to get it out of the way, cause it's a warm-up for me.
Okay, cool.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, - make some crazy noise for Jason Schwartzman.
- Yes, yes.
(CHEERING) ("WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE" BY BILLY JOEL PLAYS) Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe We didn't start the fire It was always burning Since the world's been turning Lebanon, Charles De Gaulle, California baseball Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say We didn't start the fire No we didn't light it But we tried to fight it Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore We didn't start the fire It was always burning Since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire But when we are gone Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) LL COOL J: All right.
What? You're handing out carrots? So, Chrissy.
Completely correct about degree of difficulty.
That is just a ton of words and names.
I didn't even know half of them.
I have no idea what that song means.
I had to start to introduce all these elements.
(STAMMERING) 'Cause I'm that I'm in shape with my mouth that way.
You're still chewing.
You you are very method.
You ate it.
I was hungry.
- (LAUGHING) - LL COOL J: All right! So, Jason, as far as that song.
Why that choice? Why Billy Joel, you know what I'm sayin'? Why'd you come out the gates with that? I gotta bring my best stuff for this guy.
- Because you bring your best for the people you love.
- Aw, thanks.
- That's right.
- And that one is not easy! - BIG BIRD: No.
- LL COOL J: So, Big Bird.
- Yeah.
- How would you describe Jason's performance? I thought it was fantastic.
I liked that he ate his "sometimes" food, which was the donuts.
But then he also had the vegetables.
And that was really great.
(CHEERING) Oh, my God.
My daughter is learning about "sometimes" foods right now.
I still am, too.
So, I love that.
- I know.
- CHRISSY: That's so cute! - Jason, great job.
- Thank you.
- You can go on over to the VIP.
- Thank you sir.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Big Bird! Come on over here, Big Bird.
- It's okay.
- BIG BIRD: Yes.
So, what song are you gonna perform first to kick off this remarkable achievement? - Well, the song that I'm gonna do - Uh-huh.
I'm feelin' really good about it.
Oh, okay! Okay, Big Bird.
Well, you know what? I think you need a Mic stand.
- All right.
- I heard you like Mic stands, - so I'ma put your Mic stand right here for you.
- Thank you.
Okay, and I'll hand you this.
- Yeah, hand me this microphone.
- Okay.
And everybody, give it up for Big Bird! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Birds flying high Oh, my gosh.
You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feelin' good (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Stars when you shine You know how I feel Scent of the pine You know how I feel Oh freedom is mine And I know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life (GRUNTS) It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life It's a new life for me And I'm feeling Good I'm feeling good Oh, my gosh! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LL COOL J: Make some noise! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) CHRISSY: That was incredible! - LL COOL J: Wow! - For some reason, I didn't expect him to actually lip sync.
Like, I thought it would be his voice still.
Oh my God! Well, technically, it was a beak sync.
Right? It was a beak sync.
That's right.
Birds don't have lips.
Beak Sync Battle.
That was You need, like, a New York cabaret show.
That was gorgeous.
As long as I can be in bed by my bedtime.
- What time? What time do you have to be in bed? - Oh, 8:00, 8:30.
- Alan reads me some stories.
- Okay, buddy.
Shout-out to everyone that goes to bed at 9:00 PM! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (BOTH IMITATING AIR HORNS) So, Jason, you've seen Big Bird spread his wings over here.
How you feeling about your chances? Well, look, I'm I'm conflicted.
One of me loves everything I just saw.
And I'm I just want to hug you with everything I've got.
That's okay.
You can hug me.
The other me is feeling that I cannot wait to do my next song.
- CHRISSY: Yes! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Big Bird, head over to the VIP.
Okay! This highly contested battle of "man versus bird" is just getting started.
And there's no telling who's going home with the belt at the end of the night.
It's a tall, dark, and handsome kind of night, and I haven't even mentioned how cute Big Bird is yet! A lot more fun when we come back! - This is Lip Sync Battle, baby! - Lip Sync Battle, baby! Yeah! It takes two to make Lip Sync Battle is back, and Jason Schwartzman is ready to add " LSB champ" to his list of distinguished credits.
Let's see how he prepared to win the belt and send Big Bird home to Sesame Street empty-handed.
DANCERS: Hey! (CLAPPING HANDS) JASON: I am very pumped up.
This is what I'm here for.
This is game time.
You know you're battling Big Bird, right? Yeah, okay, yes, so Big Bird.
There's bigger I've seen bigger birds.
(LAUGHING) I will say, I think Big Bird has eyes all over this place.
That's scary up there.
What's that? - We don't know.
- Who the hell's that? - DANIELLE: That might be part of Big Bird's - 'Cause I'm saying I'm saying there's some (BLEEP) going on around here.
You got what you needed? You know the game plan now? Let's begin! My number tonight will be an array of illusions.
We got some people dressed as animals.
- All different sizes of bicycles.
- (LAUGHTER) (SQUEALING) JASON: Are there unicycles with training wheels? (LAUGHTER) - Big Bird, how are you? - Oh, it's so good to see you! So great to see you, too.
How's it going? It's going great.
How's your dance number going? Half of it's really good, and I feel like the other half of it will be okay, but I mean, I'm having trouble That.
I can't do it as well.
I want to naturally go like that.
- That's actually that's great! - You think? Truth is, Big Bird is so nice.
And he makes you feel like if you don't know something, that's okay.
'Cause you can learn it together.
A hug? - It's gonna be great.
- Thank you! - (CHUCKLES) - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ("JUST LIKE FIRE" BY PINK PLAYS) I know that I'm running out of time I want it all Mm, mm And I'm wishing they'd stop tryna turn me off I want it all Mm, mm We came here to run it Run it, run it We came here to run it Run it, run it Just like fire Burning out the way If I can light the world up for just one day Watch this madness Colorful charade No one can be just like me anyway Just like magic I'll be flying free I'ma disappear when they come for me I kick that ceiling Whatcha gonna say No one can be just like me anyway So I can get it running Just 'cause nobody's done it Y'all don't think I can run it But look, I've been here, I've done it Impossible? Please Watch, I do it with ease You just gotta believe Come on, come on with me Just like fire Burning out the way If I can light the world up for just one day Watch this madness Colorful charade No one can be just like me anyway Just like fire Run it, run it Run it Just like fire Run it Run it (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Jason! LL COOL J: Now, Big Bird, it's okay! - He he didn't really saw his - Yeah.
No, it looked great! That was a nice, uh, magic trick.
Did you like did you like the costume? Do you like the costume that Jason's wearing? You know what? I thought the whole thing was great, - but I do have a question! - Yes, sir? How'd you grow that mustache so quickly? After a certain period of your life, you just start growing these things, and then, uh, you'll be surprised.
It just happens so fast.
That's really great.
Jason, like, throughout your career, you've played some complicated roles, right? Where does battling a TV icon on national television rank? Highest.
Highest, maybe, because look at those eyes! - JASON: Oh, my gosh.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Look at those feathers! - Jason, you can head on over to the VIP.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Sit next to Big Bird.
LL COOL J: That was crazy.
This is a night where my wildest dreams have come true.
CHRISSY: I do not wanna wake up.
And the dream continues when we come back.
The battle goes down in a big way with the belt hanging in the balance.
Don't go nowhere.
This is Lip Sync Battle, baby! Just like fire Burning up the way Yeah! It takes two to make a thing go right Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle.
And Big Bird is off the block, and in our house tonight.
How does a bird that taught us our ABC's plan to become a champ? Let's check him out and see.
- Hey, everybody! - Hi, Big Bird! - Hey there! Hi! - How are you? Hi there, everybody.
It's so good to be here.
Welcome to Lip Sync Battle.
Thank you! It's gonna be great, Danielle.
I can't wait! Who hasn't dreamed of singing on stage in front of millions of people? Are you nervous? Oh.
Should I be? (LAUGHTER) BIG BIRD: This is very different from my normal day.
Usually, I wake up, I have some bird seed.
Uh, then I go and play with Elmo.
And then Cookie Monster, then Grover, and, uh, then I have a little bird nap.
And then, uh that's about it.
DANIELLE: Oh, my God! - (APPLAUSE) - Ooh.
I'm sorry! Can can I help you up? (LAUGHTER) Sorry you fell down.
(GIGGLES) BIG BIRD: Oh, hi! I've had to move these big bird feet more than I've ever done in my whole entire six years.
I'm so excited! Bring on the Lip Sync Battle! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ("I GOTTA FEELING" BY BLACK EYED PEAS PLAYS) (GIGGLING) That tickles.
(GIGGLES) - Can I fix your collar? - Oh, sure! Thank you! Oh, this way? Okay.
Oh, hello! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Oh, that's so nice! I gotta feeling (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good, good night Tonight's the night Let's live it up I got my money Let's spend it up Go out and smash it Like oh, my God Jump out that sofa Let's kick it off I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out and just lose it all I feel stressed out I wanna let it go Let's go way out spaced out and losing all control (RECORD SKIPPING) Fill up my cup Mazel Tov Look at her dancing Just take it off Let's paint the town We'll shut it down Let's blow the roof And then we'll do it again Let's do it, let's do it - Let's do it, let's do it - Do it! Do it! - Let's do it, let's do it, do it - Do it! Do it, do it, do it Here we come, here we go We gotta rock Easy come, easy go Now we on top Feel the shot, body rock Rock it, don't stop Round and round, up and down Around the clock Got a feeling, woo hoo That tonight's gonna be a good, good night Woo hoo (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LL COOL J: Make some noise! (CHEERING CONTINUES) LL COOL J: Wow! BIG BIRD: Hi, Luna! We love Big Bird Luna's so happy.
Her favorites are all here.
Big Bird, Elmo, Cookie Monster.
- She just wants to hold you.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Cookie Monster on the 1's and 2's! Yeah! Thank you! BIG BIRD: Cookie Monster! Hi, Cookie! Hello! Cookie Monster, what's up? Hi, LL Cool J! - LL COOL J: Cookie Monster? - Yep? What did Big Bird offer you to be a part of his performance? - Cash.
- (LAUGHTER) COOKIE MONSTER: No, me kidding! A cookie! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LL COOL J: Yeah, that's Cookie right there.
So Elmo, what's it like performing with Big Bird here? You know, just on Sesame Street, on the Street, you know, everywhere.
It's really good, but it's really hot in this cake! - (LAUGHTER) - Well, you should blow out the candles then.
(GIGGLES) So so, Jason.
As far as competition, you feel like tonight's gonna be a shoe-in? Is it gonna be easy? Is it gonna be hard? What are you feeling right now? That was really I didn't expect that! And, uh, it's just that was an incredible thing, and, uh, no matter what, it was an honor to witness that in person.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Okay, well, Big Bird, you can head over to the VIP.
Have some fun! It's always great to have you.
This has been a show that we'll be talking about for a long time.
Two worthy battlers who competed in the nicest way possible.
But when we come back, it's time for Chrissy to put that belt around Jason's waist, or Big Bird's wings, baby.
It's decision time when we return.
I don't want you guys to miss it.
I'm scared.
Stay right there.
This is LSB.
I gotta feeling Woo hoo That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night Yeah! It takes two to make a thing go right Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle.
Tonight, we had an outstanding battle with two worthy competitors who laid it all on the line.
- Chrissy, are you ready? - I'm ready! Let's do this.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Is the Lip Sync Battle champ Jason Schwartzman? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Or is the champ Big Bird? (WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) And it looks like our champion is - Big Bird! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Wait a second.
Wait.
Listen up, everybody.
Look, this is so nice.
Thank you so much.
And I know, LL, you said that that you can't have two winners there can only be one, but couldn't just this once? Couldn't we change the rules? AUDIENCE: Aw! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I don't see any reason for you guys not to share it.
- Yeah, we'll do it this one time! - All right! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Well, a huge thanks to Jason and Big Bird for being part of our Lip Sync crew.
A big shout out to everybody in Lip Sync nation.
We see you, baby.
One love from me, LL Cool J, and Chrissy Teigen.
And remember, whatever you do in life, "Knock 'em out the box, L! Knock 'em out, L!" I gotta feeling Woo hoo That tonight's gonna be a good night - That tonight's gonna be a good night - LL COOL J: Hands up! Hands up! LL COOL J: Cookie Monster and Elmo, everybody! I got a feeling