Lodge 49 (2018) s01e08 Episode Script
Something from Nothing
1 [SLURPING.]
- - Everybody's been a-waiting To get back into the summertime groove And don't you know it? All across the nation Girls and guys are just beginning to move And don't you know it? So come on with me, baby, and you will find A way to make things happen that'll blow your mind Come on, come go with me, come on Come on, the summer's happening Together, we'll do everything - Come on, the summer's happening - [WHISTLES.]
Get in.
[SCOFFS.]
Try it and see what I mean Unh-unh, unh-unh.
Leave the bread.
Nothing's any groovier Than spending every day in the sun And don't you know it? So come on with me, baby And I'll show you all the ways to have fun And don't you know it? 'Cause when a summer's day turns into night The beat goes on, and everything's all right Come on, come go with me, come on Come on, the summer's happening - Together, we'll do everything - [GROANS.]
- Come on, the summer's happening - [SIGHS.]
Try it and see what I mean - - Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na, na, na, na Na, na-na, na Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na, na, na, na Na, na-na, na DUD: So, Gary is Captain? The guy who works on the Orbis project? The guy who works for the guys who gave you the gift basket and the orangey chocolate thing? That dude runs more game than anyone in SoCal.
- Oh.
- He's a legend.
Gary? Really? Huh.
What do you know about him? I think he's a super-nice guy.
Yeah, he sent me out for burritos this morning.
- His treat.
- Is he taking meetings out here or - Uh, who's he talking to? - I don't know.
A bunch of lawyers keep calling, but he won't call them back.
Ah.
No one gets to Captain.
And here I am at the center of the maze.
Ha.
Well, I'm here, too.
Told you.
Our fates are intertwined.
This has nothing to do with you.
Your temp agency sent you out here.
- It's a coincidence.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHING.]
Keep telling yourself that.
Oh, Jesus.
If I hook Captain, hm - [CHUCKLES.]
- the commission on that.
[SIGHS.]
Please! Just give me this one goddamn thing! Please, God almighty, please.
[GASPING.]
Hey.
Hey.
- Okay, I think you're hyperventilating.
- Yeah.
You're Hey, hey, you know what? Here.
Breathe into my burrito bag.
- All right.
- There you go.
Breathe in.
Deep breath.
Good.
Deep breaths.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- Yeah.
- [COUGHING.]
- Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, sorry.
I scraped off all the onions and the cilantro.
Now, take a take a seat.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
In the nose out the mouth.
- You can do this, okay? - Yeah.
You know why? 'Cause we're gonna go out there - Yeah.
- and we're gonna talk to him.
Okay? You and me.
- Okay? Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey, Gary, you didn't tell me that you were Captain.
I go by many names.
Gary.
Captain.
That's it, I guess.
Who's this? Oh, this is my friend, Ernie Fontaine.
Ernie sells toilets.
A sales call.
Oh! Wow.
Fantastic.
Okay, toilet man let's go.
Let's get this over with.
- What do you want from me? - Hey, I get it.
Salesmen are the scum of the earth.
Oh, no, no.
I love salesmen.
You know who the best salesman of all time was? Jesus of Nazareth.
Yeah.
The Seminar on the Mount? Masterful.
So, my question to you is, are you better than Jesus? Well, I don't know about that.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ernie Ernie can make Jesus look like a pile of shit.
Hey, this kid can sell! I'm with West Coast Super Sales, and I want to talk to you about Orbis.
Okay, wait a second.
Are you the nut job that crashed our little meeting at Kaplan Architects? Wow.
That took balls, man.
And then you sent some other guy a couple days later.
Jeff.
You did a real number on him.
Ha ha! That was not my fault.
He caught me on my way to a happening.
There's an art collective on the other side of the hill.
You know trust-fund kids living in yurts.
They raise goats and write manifestos about decay.
Anyway, Jeff was with me, and he ingested some exotic flora and started speaking in tongues.
Guys, it feels weird talking to you while I'm sitting in a pool.
So why don't you take your clothes off and get in? [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Whoo! [SCREAMS.]
Did everyone enjoy the icebreaker? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I hope it was like an ax breaking the frozen sea inside you.
My name is Tarquin.
You read about me in the binder.
Everything is in the binder, so don't slow me down with questions.
The next two days will be fun.
And challenging.
The key thing is to just relax.
[LAUGHS.]
This is not a competition.
Though we will ask most of you to leave at some point.
Distillation 1.
Distillation 2.
Again, it's all in the binder.
Now, some of you the essence will come out the other side and be invited to The Mingle.
With Janet.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well? Uh, it's exactly like you described it.
- Mm.
- Even the egg rolls.
Take one from my hoard, if you wish.
Thank you.
Where are you going? Tarquin asked me to be on a panel.
Mm.
Cloud of Unknowing? - No, Iron Cage.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mm-hmm.
Um, so how's your room? - They put me in a suite.
- Oh.
- It's kind of ridiculous.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, maybe later tonight, I can come by your suite, and we can, uh, you know [CLICKS TONGUE.]
have sexual intercourse? - Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I think I get what you're saying.
Great.
I don't know.
One thing kind of led to another.
You know, a few guys found a way in, word spread.
One night, we started breaking stuff.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Then that got old.
We tried more sophisticated ways of breaking things.
We started with this giant slingshot.
That led to the catapults, and it was just fun building things.
Yeah, if you're not working on a project, your thoughts will eat you up.
Is the Is the trebuchet finished? Yeah, she'll be ready to launch in a few nights.
And then we're closing up shop.
How does that make you feel? I can't complain.
I mean, I got 20 years out of Orbis.
I look at my nephews.
They'll never have that anywhere.
They'll always be hustling two, three jobs.
Can I ask you something? Why the hell do you care about this stuff? I guess I need a project, too.
Something to keep my thoughts from eating me up.
Mm.
I spent my whole career thinking I'd write a book someday.
Turn a feature into something bigger, but never happened.
I could never commit.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
There was always something to distract me.
A new job a new guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I always thought if I could just go someplace alone for a while I'd get it done.
But I never did.
Mm.
'Cause I'm a hack.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
You're not a hack, Connie.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
Lodge 49.
SCOTT: There you are.
Did you forget? - What? - Your MRI! [SIGHS.]
I'm here now.
I took off work! [SIGHS.]
I, uh I'm I'm leaving now.
What are you doing?! Um, I'm just looking for anything in the Lodge that might be an asset.
Bankruptcy looms.
London will want to recoup whatever they can.
I'm not an expert, but some of these books might be valuable.
This library is not an asset.
It is a citadel.
To truth and beauty.
The Lodge was just starting to wake up until you walked in with your calculator.
Just doing my job.
Being a Lynx is not a job.
Well, I'm sorry, but for me, it is.
Do you know how many Lodges we administer worldwide? The amount of paperwork is extraordinary.
Especially with so many Lodges closing down.
Does any of this mean anything to you? Alchemy.
Uh, the Magnum Opus of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
I thought London was the heart of everything.
Well, administratively speaking, it certainly is.
How did you even become a Lynx? Oh, um well, my my great-aunt Dahlia was a member, and I went to a few dinners with her at the Lodge, and that was okay.
And then before she died, she encouraged me to become a member.
And And I did.
And then, when I got my certificate in accounting, they offered me a position on the staff, and I sort of worked my way up.
It's not the most exciting story, but I'm not the most exciting man.
Um, yeah, there's some unusual things about working at Lodge 1.
There's traditions of the Order and so on.
But, mostly, it's just work.
- Meetings and spreadsheets.
- Get out.
You are banned from the library.
Blaise, there's really no reason Get out! [DOOR CLOSES.]
So, you live out here? Uh, no.
No.
Uh, this is just one of my pied-Ã -terres.
Sometimes I gotta lay low.
[CHUCKLES.]
I live in Palos Verdes in a giant house.
With my wife.
Well you're a hard man to find.
Most of the time, I can't find myself.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm trapped in a tower, Ernie.
A tower made out of endless litigations surrounding any number of commercial or residential properties in Southern California - and certain parts of Baja.
- Mm.
The system, man.
It's not fair.
- It's not fair.
- Everything I do is 100% legal.
100%.
Not always according to the letter or spirit of the law, but, you know, these days, you gotta be willing to live in a moral gray area.
That's where fortunes are made.
I'm the gray man in the gray area.
So, what wholesalers you think you'll be pulling from? I have great relationships with all the major How do you guys know each other, anyway? Oh, we belong to the Ancient and Benevolent Order of the Lynx.
Ernie's a Luminous Knight.
I'm his Squire.
It's just a social club.
You know, beer and softball.
No, it's not.
It's way more than that.
We We possess secret knowledge.
Secret knowledge of what? Uh, yeah, I can't tell you.
Can't tell you.
But, um, basically the secrets of alchemy.
Okay, so, do you guys do weird shit? Like robes and candles and Latin? No, no, no, no, no.
It's not like that.
What are you talking about?! It's exactly like that.
Okay, this is awesome, but I'm gonna need a little more context.
- How about we do it over dinner? - Sure.
But maybe first I can take you for a spin - through our catalogs? - You want my business, you're gonna have to wine and dine me.
I'm Captain, for Chrissakes! Now, I know a special place.
Best Shrimp Louie in Riverside County.
And they have live flamenco.
- Oh.
- Sound good? - Yeah! - Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I looked him in the eye always look your adversary in the eye and I said, "The nights are cold in Zurich but nothing can extinguish the flamings of my heart.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Was there laughter? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Yes.
Was there understanding? Yes again, because an hour later, flying over the Alps, we signed a mutually beneficial vendor agreement.
So, anyway, the point is, if you really want this, you need to love it, eat it, drink it, smoke it, snort it, shoot it.
It doesn't matter how you get it.
Just make sure that you do.
And if you're wondering how I got it [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I listened.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- I listened.
Okay, my time is up.
Uh, I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope to see some of you at The Mingle.
- - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
A bull whip.
A chalice.
A snow globe.
Out of these objects, you will dream storm a marketing plan for your shadow chain.
You have 20 minutes.
Commence.
Well, who wants to scribe? Give me the quill.
Hey, Liz, is it true that you actually spent time at Shamroxx? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Field research, - that's smart.
- Exactly.
There are some things you can only learn at the street level.
Field research? Uh, no.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean yeah.
It was It was good strategy, you know.
I learned a lot.
Okay.
Let's start.
Hit me with your dream storms.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS.]
ANITA: I am not gonna sad sack my way to the end.
We should stay on schedule.
Now, Band Night's next week.
It might be everyone's last chance to see Don Fab do his thing.
BIG BEN: So let's get the word out.
Do a phone tree, a fax blast.
I mean, whatever it takes.
I'll bring the guys from Orbis.
Squire Dud thinks that they should join the Lodge.
God, that kid cares.
It's kind of scary.
- Connie! - Huh?! ANITA: Tell Scott Band Night's on next week.
[GROANS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
Buddy, you got a little sun.
JOCELYN: I went to the beach.
I spent an hour in the waves.
When I got out, I felt something [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I don't know, humming inside of me.
I have never felt so relaxed.
Blaise our emissary needs a drink.
BLAISE: He's not an emissary.
He's an executioner.
Blaise.
Honey.
Don't be a dick.
Well, I'll get you a drink.
Want a drink, eh? I get you, man.
I get you.
So, a Lynx can see through walls? No, it's a metaphor.
Philosophy with a full bar.
You guys accepting new members? Yeah! We'll accept anybody.
Just come by the Lodge.
Actually, the Lodge might be closing.
- It It's a long story.
- What?! No! That's awful.
I hate it when the old beautiful stuff disappears.
I mean, obviously, I do a lot of teardowns and redevelopment, but, you know, even still.
So, Gary, if we can hop back in we do clean-out and backwater valves, plus stainless-steel P-traps and plugs Ernie, let me ask you a question.
When you were a kid, did you dream about selling plumbing supplies? No, no, no.
I wanted to be a pitcher for the Dodgers.
Did you play ball? Sure.
I was All-CIF at Poly.
Well, you know, honorable mention.
But then, uh, reality, you know.
Reality, indeed.
I wanted to be an astronaut.
Go to the moon.
But then I got a summer job with a mechanical contractor in Whittier, and here I am.
What about you, Squire? What'd you dream about doing when you were a kid? Um when I was a kid, I-I just wanted to work at my dad's pool shop.
You know? And do what he did.
Surf in the morning, work all day, and then drink beer by the pool at night.
MAN: Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
[FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYS.]
Do you guys know what "duende" means? It's what the flamenco call soul.
It's that real thing inside us that can't be faked.
Now, this cat has duende out his ass.
I'm gonna put in my requests.
- Yeah.
- Hey, buddy.
Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.
- SÃ, Señor.
You gotta ease up on Captain.
Okay, you're driving him away.
- I'm driving him away? - Yeah.
You're the one who won't shut up about the Lodge.
Just be cool.
Okay? He lives in a tower, man.
He just wants to hang out with you.
Ernie.
The man.
So just be - you know, Ernie - [SCOFFS.]
- Ernie.
- This is a new low.
Taking professional advice from a homeless temp.
[FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYS.]
My wife and I went to Spain once.
Two weeks in Andalusia.
There's something about the light there.
Brenda's a marine biologist.
She loves the sea.
So we'd be in the water all day, and at night, we'd sit in a small café and listen to the flamenco players.
We had everything.
- Married, Ernie? - No.
But I had that once.
The everything you're talking about.
I had it twice, actually.
My high-school sweetheart.
It went away like it always does.
- Young love.
- Exactly.
I went off, did my thing, and then she a year ago, walked back into my life.
Yeah, she showed up at the Lodge, okay? But get this - She's married.
- What?! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- No! Geez! - What happened? - I sort of became her mistress.
We lived in a bubble for a year.
It seemed like we had everything again.
But then reality caught up to us.
So it's over.
Again.
[SIGHS.]
Man.
I love talking.
We can't let this night end.
You guys got some cash on you? - Uh, n-n - Uhh Good.
'Cause I got a hot tip on a big cock.
[LAUGHS.]
Huh? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, GAMECOCKS SQUAWKING.]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
[GAMECOCK SQUAWKS.]
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Here's your ducats! $3,500 each! Oh, my God! Are we in heaven or what?! What next, gentlemen? Hell, we're young and beautiful.
We can do whatever we want! Full moon tonight.
I say we trek into the hills and get down with the goat people.
[MAN VOMITS.]
LIZ: "The key to any healthy organism is the absorption of nutrients and the excretion of toxins.
Look around your office.
Who are the nutrients? Absorb them.
Who are the toxins? Excrete them.
" [GASPS.]
So, where did Janet come from? Uh, nobody knows for sure.
Some say she was raised in an orphanage in the Himalayas.
She went to Stanford.
Is she really only 30? No.
She lies about her age.
She's actually 25.
She's afraid of being pigeonholed as a wunderkid.
Oh, hey, did you, uh did you hurt your toe or something? No.
Why? I mean, it looks a little - you know.
- Oh, that? That's just a nasty toenail fungus.
Oh.
- [GOAT BLEATS.]
- Oh.
[SIGHS.]
It's time, Captain.
You gotta let me know.
Are we doing this? Yep.
You're my guy, Ernie.
Orbis is all yours.
Pipe to trim.
Give me your card.
We'll talk details later.
[GOAT BLEATS.]
[COUGHING.]
Where are you going? [MUMBLING.]
Oh, I'm I'm going to the john.
Last I checked, you still work for me.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I need a driver.
Yeah, okay.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Ma'am? I'm sorry.
Are you all right? "Ma'am.
" Oh, God.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I'm alumni.
Don't ask what year.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, so what brings you back? My locker was [CLICKS TONGUE.]
right over there.
My idiot high-school boyfriend used to leave me love letters.
I still have 'em.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
You know, sometimes, I'll just be walking down the halls, and it's like time slips or something.
I'm 15 again, late for class.
Look, ma'am, you can't can't be driving like this.
Is there somebody I can call to come and pick you up? [SIGHS.]
Damn! You are rich.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Only financially.
Stay put.
I'm just gonna grab a few things.
Okay.
[KEYS JINGLING.]
[LOCK RATTLING.]
12 down.
"Chinese dynasty.
" - Chinese - I, uh left my keys back at the trailer.
I'm gonna use the back gate.
Okay.
"Chinese dynasty.
" Ming.
Ming.
12 down Ming.
Ming.
Yeah.
[GEESE HONKING.]
Okay.
50 down.
"Arm bone.
" - Arm bone.
- [WOOD CRACKS.]
- Ulna? - Oh! Oh! Ulna.
Ulna.
Yep.
[CHUCKLES.]
Was the the back gate locked or something? Whoa! Come on in.
We might as well hang for a bit.
Okay.
Hey man.
- Are you okay or - Don't worry about the door.
It's just a door.
I can use my money to buy another door.
Uh there's cold cuts in the fridge if you're hungry, but no bread, though.
Brenda doesn't allow bread in our home anymore.
Hey, where is Brenda? Oh, she's out with her precious graduate assistants, Jill and Barry.
They're tagging seals or jerking off dolphins or whatever it is they do together.
She cares more about sea mammals than she ever cared about me.
You sure you're okay, man? - Because it seems like - She kicked me out, Dud.
This isn't our home anymore.
Hey.
It's okay.
It's all right.
Hey, we'll Hey, could you loosen your grip up on me, 'cause [INHALES SHARPLY.]
- You did it, Ernie! - [LAUGHS.]
- You landed Captain! - I did.
But let's not sit back.
I want to get ahead on everything.
Bob, you get the factories up to speed.
I'm going to see Captain's architect.
I'll get the spec sheets from him and start acing out the pricing.
Let this man be an inspiration to all of you.
Sure, you're looking at Ernie, thinking, "Here's a middle-aged nobody on the down-slope of a mediocre career.
Who cares?!" Well, I care.
Because he's about to land the biggest order in the history of West Coast Super Sales.
In my book, Ernie Fontaine is a hero.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah! It's what I've term "The Three C's" of Omni West comfort, community, and that which makes both of them possible craft.
- These are the values - Fine.
Fine.
But tell me what's underneath "The Three C's.
" - Underneath? - Hey! This is the vivisection.
Flay the skin.
You have one chance.
- Comfort, community - [HISSES SHARPLY.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, well, uh I can only really speak for Shamroxx, where I've been working as a waitress.
I wasn't there to do research.
Or I guess you could say I was doing unintentional research, which is just life.
Uh, anyway, I have a shitload of debt, and I needed the cash.
So, yeah, we've got "The Three C's," sure, plus all the TVs and the fried food.
The main thing, of course and we can't forget this is tits.
[CHUCKLES.]
But if we're gonna ask ourselves what's underneath the tits and everything else, I'd have to say loneliness and despair.
It's like we're all bound together pervy customers, staff.
We all kind of wash up on the same shore.
My mom died when I was a year old, and my dad died last year, and [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
I-I don't know what I'm saying now.
TARQUIN: Don't be.
It's beautiful.
GUARD: Like I said, there's no Kaplan Architects here.
- There never has been.
- But that's crazy.
I had a meeting there a few weeks ago.
You know what's even crazier? This building burned down in 1987.
I'm a ghost.
Sorry.
Little joke.
But, yeah, the office has been abandoned for months.
DUD: So, um, what's Brenda's problem? Her big complaint about me is that I'm a total fraud.
Oh.
Why would she say something like that? 'Cause I commit a lot of fraud.
But not more than anybody else, I think.
She's just become more and more judgmental.
Man, I don't know what happened with us.
I guess it's naive to think that two people will evolve emotionally in the same way, but it's not like I had a bunch of affairs.
It was just the one.
And after a while, it meant nothing.
Huh.
I'll probably never figure out what went wrong.
It was probably the affair.
Our careers ate us up.
We lost track of each other.
We've got the house, we've got the money, we've got everything.
But it's all the wrong stuff, you know? - You need to get back to Spain.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Spain was just a dream.
I'm not that guy anymore.
Not even close.
Man, with the shit I'm involved in now Dud, I've lost my duende, and there's no way to get it back.
- Oh, you can get it back.
- How? With your eyes, man.
Yeah, with your eyes.
That's what the Lodge is all about.
Okay.
But how? You talking the Magnum Opus? Harwood Fritz Merrill? Um Ye I don't Yeah, I don't know.
You know? Um, I don't really know what I'm talking about.
It's just, I think that, maybe with you and Brenda, the divorce is, like, the thing that might need to happen, you know? [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Oh.
Hey, Ernie.
ERNIE: Captain's a fraud! He's playing some kind of twisted game.
Stay away from him! Hey, Ernie.
It's Gary.
Dud has you on speakerphone.
- Ohh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Shit.
But you're right.
I am a fraud, and I am playing a twisted game.
Come by the house.
I'll explain.
[DRUMS PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[EPIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- - [CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Congratulations, Elizabeth.
Thank you.
Presenting the essence.
[GLASSES CLINKING.]
Isn't this place great?! Brenda's got a thing for narwhals.
Sailors of yore called them the unicorns of the sea.
They thought the tusk had magical properties.
Don't touch that.
That still works.
Just tell me why I couldn't find Kaplan.
Have a seat, fellas.
Thanks, Gary.
You couldn't find Kaplan because Kaplan doesn't exist.
And Kaplan doesn't exist because this whole Orbis deal is really just a huge scam.
There is no redevelopment.
But But what about the billboards? You can't just put up billboards.
- Can you? - So you set this all up to con money out of investors.
No.
Ernie, I'm a patsy.
Believe me, you think I'm hard to find.
The guys that I work for are freakin' shadows.
You met 'em at the Kaplan office, you know.
The The The The gift basket guys.
That's right.
I got a gift basket, too.
I don't even know who they work for.
It's shells within shells.
So they're gonna soak the investors and take off.
No.
It's It's worse than that.
Okay, fellas, here's what happened.
You gotta believe me.
So, these guys tracked me down.
They know that I can pull levers around here.
I can make projects seem legit.
City, county, state.
Now, was there something off about these guys? Yeah.
But they gave me a nice fee up front and a fat-ass back end, so I thought, "What the hell?" Because you live in a moral gray area.
Correct.
It's probably how you lost your duende.
Correct again.
Huh.
Yeah, so, anyway, I take the money.
They pay me in Bitcoin.
It's all very slick.
So, I start making calls.
They take me aside.
They say, "Hey, guess what.
We're not gonna build anything.
This is all a charade.
" Now, our gift basket guys gave me some very valuable information.
That land under Orbis is toxic.
You can't build anything.
But they've paid off a geologist just to come up with some bogus environmental-impact report and then pitch it to the city.
Okay, but then then why lie to Ernie? Why Why Why string him along like that? 'Cause I'm lonely, okay? I mean, I had a blast with you guys.
Most fun I've had in years.
I didn't want it to end.
Now, I was gonna tell you eventually.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
Too late, man.
I'm sorry.
But we've got to say something Tell the city, the newspapers.
Fine.
Go ahead.
But that's exactly what they expect.
It's all part of their plan.
They're moving pieces around on the board.
Here's what's gonna happen.
The story comes out.
Headlines, scandal.
These guys disappear and let the patsies take the hit.
Then they come back with a brand-new shell corporation that buys the same piece of property for pennies on the dollar.
Okay, so, well, why would you go through all that trouble just to buy the land anyway? Because.
If you want to break someone completely, you get their hopes up first.
You tell them the land is gold.
When it turns out to be lead, it'll never be cheaper.
Oh.
[STAMMERS.]
Why would you want to buy toxic land? For what's under it.
Oil.
Orbis land has never been tapped.
[LAUGHS.]
Now, these guys were following me around while I followed them around.
Out in Paramount, there's a warehouse that is stocking the biggest, gnarliest drilling equipment you've ever seen.
They're up to something.
I know it.
Well, good for them.
They get to enjoy the bounty of Long Beach.
They won't get a drop.
'Cause I'm gonna take it.
The old Captain is three steps ahead.
I got a guy in city hall.
As soon as the story breaks about the toxic land, I'm gonna buy it out from under them and make myself the richest asshole in SoCal.
None of that's gonna help your duende problem.
I can buy duende.
Why are you telling us all this? 'Cause I want to get you in on the action.
Invest with me.
Give you money? Look, I'll spot you guys a nice chunk of cash for the buy-in.
Then I'll use your cockfight winnings as collateral.
We'll get it all on paper.
No more, no less.
I'll get mine back when the oil starts to flow.
All I ask is that you let me join the Lodge.
I told you It's probably closing.
We owe a bank in China 300 large.
That's it? I'll tell you what.
I'll pay it.
I want to put money back in the community.
- Duende.
- Duende.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! How do we know you aren't conning us? Because look around.
I'm not going through all this just to scam you guys out of a couple of grand.
I don't need your money.
This is about friendship, guys.
You can back out anytime.
We can still hang.
And, Ernie, you're my guy, either way.
I would love it if you came to work for me.
You've been selling a long time.
You're ready to be the guy who buys.
I think we're both gonna be rich.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like this whole thing - Was meant to be? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, I don't want to say "I told you so," but Larry said something big was gonna happen.
This is it.
- You know what? - This is it.
- You're right.
- Uh-huh.
God help me! You are right, man! You are right! - We're gonna be rich! - Okay.
- Oh, my God! - [VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Liz? I didn't even recognize you.
I mean, you look so important-looking.
- Thanks.
- I should give you crap for signing with a major, but luckily, no one cares about that anymore because nothing means anything anymore.
Oh, Champ.
You're gonna make me cry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I should be pissed, too.
They never offered me a chance at corporate.
But I'm working on getting over myself.
Mm.
And you absolutely deserve this, Liz.
We're all real proud of you.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
Mm.
Okay, I should let you guys get back to work.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Liz.
No matter what happens you always have a home with us.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
How've you been? Good.
You? Good.
I'm good.
Uh why are you all dressed up? Why are you here? Listen, um, I wanted to let you know that, pretty soon, I'll be able to help you out.
Yeah.
I'm gonna pay you back.
Hm.
You realize that's not you helping me? That's you doing what you're supposed to be doing.
And And I'll be able to pay off your note at the bank.
And I'm going to get Dad's shop back.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
How? You're wondering how.
Um, I can't really go into specifics right now because it's it's just too complex.
But, basically, because of the Lodge, I am now a stakeholder in a major real-estate acquisition.
- Mm.
Good for you.
- Mm-hmm.
But, uh, I don't need your help.
No.
I've been distilled.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I'm the essence, brother.
I am about to bank some serious bank.
- Whoa! - Oh, yeah.
Salary, benefits, the whole way.
- Oh.
That's good news.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we're both doing great.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Hey.
- Mm.
Glad you're here.
Oh? Yeah.
Everyone went home early tonight, so I'm just [CHUCKLES.]
hanging out.
I heard Band Night's still on.
I'm looking forward to hearing you guys play.
Got any new stuff? [SIGHS.]
Ernie, I need you to do something for me.
Sure.
Anything.
I need you to start sleeping with Connie again.
La-la-la-la, la
- - Everybody's been a-waiting To get back into the summertime groove And don't you know it? All across the nation Girls and guys are just beginning to move And don't you know it? So come on with me, baby, and you will find A way to make things happen that'll blow your mind Come on, come go with me, come on Come on, the summer's happening Together, we'll do everything - Come on, the summer's happening - [WHISTLES.]
Get in.
[SCOFFS.]
Try it and see what I mean Unh-unh, unh-unh.
Leave the bread.
Nothing's any groovier Than spending every day in the sun And don't you know it? So come on with me, baby And I'll show you all the ways to have fun And don't you know it? 'Cause when a summer's day turns into night The beat goes on, and everything's all right Come on, come go with me, come on Come on, the summer's happening - Together, we'll do everything - [GROANS.]
- Come on, the summer's happening - [SIGHS.]
Try it and see what I mean - - Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na, na, na, na Na, na-na, na Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na, na, na, na Na, na-na, na DUD: So, Gary is Captain? The guy who works on the Orbis project? The guy who works for the guys who gave you the gift basket and the orangey chocolate thing? That dude runs more game than anyone in SoCal.
- Oh.
- He's a legend.
Gary? Really? Huh.
What do you know about him? I think he's a super-nice guy.
Yeah, he sent me out for burritos this morning.
- His treat.
- Is he taking meetings out here or - Uh, who's he talking to? - I don't know.
A bunch of lawyers keep calling, but he won't call them back.
Ah.
No one gets to Captain.
And here I am at the center of the maze.
Ha.
Well, I'm here, too.
Told you.
Our fates are intertwined.
This has nothing to do with you.
Your temp agency sent you out here.
- It's a coincidence.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHING.]
Keep telling yourself that.
Oh, Jesus.
If I hook Captain, hm - [CHUCKLES.]
- the commission on that.
[SIGHS.]
Please! Just give me this one goddamn thing! Please, God almighty, please.
[GASPING.]
Hey.
Hey.
- Okay, I think you're hyperventilating.
- Yeah.
You're Hey, hey, you know what? Here.
Breathe into my burrito bag.
- All right.
- There you go.
Breathe in.
Deep breath.
Good.
Deep breaths.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- Yeah.
- [COUGHING.]
- Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, sorry.
I scraped off all the onions and the cilantro.
Now, take a take a seat.
Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
In the nose out the mouth.
- You can do this, okay? - Yeah.
You know why? 'Cause we're gonna go out there - Yeah.
- and we're gonna talk to him.
Okay? You and me.
- Okay? Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hey, Gary, you didn't tell me that you were Captain.
I go by many names.
Gary.
Captain.
That's it, I guess.
Who's this? Oh, this is my friend, Ernie Fontaine.
Ernie sells toilets.
A sales call.
Oh! Wow.
Fantastic.
Okay, toilet man let's go.
Let's get this over with.
- What do you want from me? - Hey, I get it.
Salesmen are the scum of the earth.
Oh, no, no.
I love salesmen.
You know who the best salesman of all time was? Jesus of Nazareth.
Yeah.
The Seminar on the Mount? Masterful.
So, my question to you is, are you better than Jesus? Well, I don't know about that.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ernie Ernie can make Jesus look like a pile of shit.
Hey, this kid can sell! I'm with West Coast Super Sales, and I want to talk to you about Orbis.
Okay, wait a second.
Are you the nut job that crashed our little meeting at Kaplan Architects? Wow.
That took balls, man.
And then you sent some other guy a couple days later.
Jeff.
You did a real number on him.
Ha ha! That was not my fault.
He caught me on my way to a happening.
There's an art collective on the other side of the hill.
You know trust-fund kids living in yurts.
They raise goats and write manifestos about decay.
Anyway, Jeff was with me, and he ingested some exotic flora and started speaking in tongues.
Guys, it feels weird talking to you while I'm sitting in a pool.
So why don't you take your clothes off and get in? [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Whoo! [SCREAMS.]
Did everyone enjoy the icebreaker? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I hope it was like an ax breaking the frozen sea inside you.
My name is Tarquin.
You read about me in the binder.
Everything is in the binder, so don't slow me down with questions.
The next two days will be fun.
And challenging.
The key thing is to just relax.
[LAUGHS.]
This is not a competition.
Though we will ask most of you to leave at some point.
Distillation 1.
Distillation 2.
Again, it's all in the binder.
Now, some of you the essence will come out the other side and be invited to The Mingle.
With Janet.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well? Uh, it's exactly like you described it.
- Mm.
- Even the egg rolls.
Take one from my hoard, if you wish.
Thank you.
Where are you going? Tarquin asked me to be on a panel.
Mm.
Cloud of Unknowing? - No, Iron Cage.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mm-hmm.
Um, so how's your room? - They put me in a suite.
- Oh.
- It's kind of ridiculous.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, maybe later tonight, I can come by your suite, and we can, uh, you know [CLICKS TONGUE.]
have sexual intercourse? - Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I think I get what you're saying.
Great.
I don't know.
One thing kind of led to another.
You know, a few guys found a way in, word spread.
One night, we started breaking stuff.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Then that got old.
We tried more sophisticated ways of breaking things.
We started with this giant slingshot.
That led to the catapults, and it was just fun building things.
Yeah, if you're not working on a project, your thoughts will eat you up.
Is the Is the trebuchet finished? Yeah, she'll be ready to launch in a few nights.
And then we're closing up shop.
How does that make you feel? I can't complain.
I mean, I got 20 years out of Orbis.
I look at my nephews.
They'll never have that anywhere.
They'll always be hustling two, three jobs.
Can I ask you something? Why the hell do you care about this stuff? I guess I need a project, too.
Something to keep my thoughts from eating me up.
Mm.
I spent my whole career thinking I'd write a book someday.
Turn a feature into something bigger, but never happened.
I could never commit.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
There was always something to distract me.
A new job a new guy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I always thought if I could just go someplace alone for a while I'd get it done.
But I never did.
Mm.
'Cause I'm a hack.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
You're not a hack, Connie.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
Lodge 49.
SCOTT: There you are.
Did you forget? - What? - Your MRI! [SIGHS.]
I'm here now.
I took off work! [SIGHS.]
I, uh I'm I'm leaving now.
What are you doing?! Um, I'm just looking for anything in the Lodge that might be an asset.
Bankruptcy looms.
London will want to recoup whatever they can.
I'm not an expert, but some of these books might be valuable.
This library is not an asset.
It is a citadel.
To truth and beauty.
The Lodge was just starting to wake up until you walked in with your calculator.
Just doing my job.
Being a Lynx is not a job.
Well, I'm sorry, but for me, it is.
Do you know how many Lodges we administer worldwide? The amount of paperwork is extraordinary.
Especially with so many Lodges closing down.
Does any of this mean anything to you? Alchemy.
Uh, the Magnum Opus of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
I thought London was the heart of everything.
Well, administratively speaking, it certainly is.
How did you even become a Lynx? Oh, um well, my my great-aunt Dahlia was a member, and I went to a few dinners with her at the Lodge, and that was okay.
And then before she died, she encouraged me to become a member.
And And I did.
And then, when I got my certificate in accounting, they offered me a position on the staff, and I sort of worked my way up.
It's not the most exciting story, but I'm not the most exciting man.
Um, yeah, there's some unusual things about working at Lodge 1.
There's traditions of the Order and so on.
But, mostly, it's just work.
- Meetings and spreadsheets.
- Get out.
You are banned from the library.
Blaise, there's really no reason Get out! [DOOR CLOSES.]
So, you live out here? Uh, no.
No.
Uh, this is just one of my pied-Ã -terres.
Sometimes I gotta lay low.
[CHUCKLES.]
I live in Palos Verdes in a giant house.
With my wife.
Well you're a hard man to find.
Most of the time, I can't find myself.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm trapped in a tower, Ernie.
A tower made out of endless litigations surrounding any number of commercial or residential properties in Southern California - and certain parts of Baja.
- Mm.
The system, man.
It's not fair.
- It's not fair.
- Everything I do is 100% legal.
100%.
Not always according to the letter or spirit of the law, but, you know, these days, you gotta be willing to live in a moral gray area.
That's where fortunes are made.
I'm the gray man in the gray area.
So, what wholesalers you think you'll be pulling from? I have great relationships with all the major How do you guys know each other, anyway? Oh, we belong to the Ancient and Benevolent Order of the Lynx.
Ernie's a Luminous Knight.
I'm his Squire.
It's just a social club.
You know, beer and softball.
No, it's not.
It's way more than that.
We We possess secret knowledge.
Secret knowledge of what? Uh, yeah, I can't tell you.
Can't tell you.
But, um, basically the secrets of alchemy.
Okay, so, do you guys do weird shit? Like robes and candles and Latin? No, no, no, no, no.
It's not like that.
What are you talking about?! It's exactly like that.
Okay, this is awesome, but I'm gonna need a little more context.
- How about we do it over dinner? - Sure.
But maybe first I can take you for a spin - through our catalogs? - You want my business, you're gonna have to wine and dine me.
I'm Captain, for Chrissakes! Now, I know a special place.
Best Shrimp Louie in Riverside County.
And they have live flamenco.
- Oh.
- Sound good? - Yeah! - Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I looked him in the eye always look your adversary in the eye and I said, "The nights are cold in Zurich but nothing can extinguish the flamings of my heart.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Was there laughter? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Yes.
Was there understanding? Yes again, because an hour later, flying over the Alps, we signed a mutually beneficial vendor agreement.
So, anyway, the point is, if you really want this, you need to love it, eat it, drink it, smoke it, snort it, shoot it.
It doesn't matter how you get it.
Just make sure that you do.
And if you're wondering how I got it [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I listened.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- I listened.
Okay, my time is up.
Uh, I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope to see some of you at The Mingle.
- - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
A bull whip.
A chalice.
A snow globe.
Out of these objects, you will dream storm a marketing plan for your shadow chain.
You have 20 minutes.
Commence.
Well, who wants to scribe? Give me the quill.
Hey, Liz, is it true that you actually spent time at Shamroxx? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Field research, - that's smart.
- Exactly.
There are some things you can only learn at the street level.
Field research? Uh, no.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I mean yeah.
It was It was good strategy, you know.
I learned a lot.
Okay.
Let's start.
Hit me with your dream storms.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS.]
ANITA: I am not gonna sad sack my way to the end.
We should stay on schedule.
Now, Band Night's next week.
It might be everyone's last chance to see Don Fab do his thing.
BIG BEN: So let's get the word out.
Do a phone tree, a fax blast.
I mean, whatever it takes.
I'll bring the guys from Orbis.
Squire Dud thinks that they should join the Lodge.
God, that kid cares.
It's kind of scary.
- Connie! - Huh?! ANITA: Tell Scott Band Night's on next week.
[GROANS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Yeah.
Oh, geez.
Buddy, you got a little sun.
JOCELYN: I went to the beach.
I spent an hour in the waves.
When I got out, I felt something [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I don't know, humming inside of me.
I have never felt so relaxed.
Blaise our emissary needs a drink.
BLAISE: He's not an emissary.
He's an executioner.
Blaise.
Honey.
Don't be a dick.
Well, I'll get you a drink.
Want a drink, eh? I get you, man.
I get you.
So, a Lynx can see through walls? No, it's a metaphor.
Philosophy with a full bar.
You guys accepting new members? Yeah! We'll accept anybody.
Just come by the Lodge.
Actually, the Lodge might be closing.
- It It's a long story.
- What?! No! That's awful.
I hate it when the old beautiful stuff disappears.
I mean, obviously, I do a lot of teardowns and redevelopment, but, you know, even still.
So, Gary, if we can hop back in we do clean-out and backwater valves, plus stainless-steel P-traps and plugs Ernie, let me ask you a question.
When you were a kid, did you dream about selling plumbing supplies? No, no, no.
I wanted to be a pitcher for the Dodgers.
Did you play ball? Sure.
I was All-CIF at Poly.
Well, you know, honorable mention.
But then, uh, reality, you know.
Reality, indeed.
I wanted to be an astronaut.
Go to the moon.
But then I got a summer job with a mechanical contractor in Whittier, and here I am.
What about you, Squire? What'd you dream about doing when you were a kid? Um when I was a kid, I-I just wanted to work at my dad's pool shop.
You know? And do what he did.
Surf in the morning, work all day, and then drink beer by the pool at night.
MAN: Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
[FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYS.]
Do you guys know what "duende" means? It's what the flamenco call soul.
It's that real thing inside us that can't be faked.
Now, this cat has duende out his ass.
I'm gonna put in my requests.
- Yeah.
- Hey, buddy.
Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.
- SÃ, Señor.
You gotta ease up on Captain.
Okay, you're driving him away.
- I'm driving him away? - Yeah.
You're the one who won't shut up about the Lodge.
Just be cool.
Okay? He lives in a tower, man.
He just wants to hang out with you.
Ernie.
The man.
So just be - you know, Ernie - [SCOFFS.]
- Ernie.
- This is a new low.
Taking professional advice from a homeless temp.
[FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYS.]
My wife and I went to Spain once.
Two weeks in Andalusia.
There's something about the light there.
Brenda's a marine biologist.
She loves the sea.
So we'd be in the water all day, and at night, we'd sit in a small café and listen to the flamenco players.
We had everything.
- Married, Ernie? - No.
But I had that once.
The everything you're talking about.
I had it twice, actually.
My high-school sweetheart.
It went away like it always does.
- Young love.
- Exactly.
I went off, did my thing, and then she a year ago, walked back into my life.
Yeah, she showed up at the Lodge, okay? But get this - She's married.
- What?! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- No! Geez! - What happened? - I sort of became her mistress.
We lived in a bubble for a year.
It seemed like we had everything again.
But then reality caught up to us.
So it's over.
Again.
[SIGHS.]
Man.
I love talking.
We can't let this night end.
You guys got some cash on you? - Uh, n-n - Uhh Good.
'Cause I got a hot tip on a big cock.
[LAUGHS.]
Huh? [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, GAMECOCKS SQUAWKING.]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
[GAMECOCK SQUAWKS.]
- Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Here's your ducats! $3,500 each! Oh, my God! Are we in heaven or what?! What next, gentlemen? Hell, we're young and beautiful.
We can do whatever we want! Full moon tonight.
I say we trek into the hills and get down with the goat people.
[MAN VOMITS.]
LIZ: "The key to any healthy organism is the absorption of nutrients and the excretion of toxins.
Look around your office.
Who are the nutrients? Absorb them.
Who are the toxins? Excrete them.
" [GASPS.]
So, where did Janet come from? Uh, nobody knows for sure.
Some say she was raised in an orphanage in the Himalayas.
She went to Stanford.
Is she really only 30? No.
She lies about her age.
She's actually 25.
She's afraid of being pigeonholed as a wunderkid.
Oh, hey, did you, uh did you hurt your toe or something? No.
Why? I mean, it looks a little - you know.
- Oh, that? That's just a nasty toenail fungus.
Oh.
- [GOAT BLEATS.]
- Oh.
[SIGHS.]
It's time, Captain.
You gotta let me know.
Are we doing this? Yep.
You're my guy, Ernie.
Orbis is all yours.
Pipe to trim.
Give me your card.
We'll talk details later.
[GOAT BLEATS.]
[COUGHING.]
Where are you going? [MUMBLING.]
Oh, I'm I'm going to the john.
Last I checked, you still work for me.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I need a driver.
Yeah, okay.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Ma'am? I'm sorry.
Are you all right? "Ma'am.
" Oh, God.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I'm alumni.
Don't ask what year.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, so what brings you back? My locker was [CLICKS TONGUE.]
right over there.
My idiot high-school boyfriend used to leave me love letters.
I still have 'em.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
You know, sometimes, I'll just be walking down the halls, and it's like time slips or something.
I'm 15 again, late for class.
Look, ma'am, you can't can't be driving like this.
Is there somebody I can call to come and pick you up? [SIGHS.]
Damn! You are rich.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Only financially.
Stay put.
I'm just gonna grab a few things.
Okay.
[KEYS JINGLING.]
[LOCK RATTLING.]
12 down.
"Chinese dynasty.
" - Chinese - I, uh left my keys back at the trailer.
I'm gonna use the back gate.
Okay.
"Chinese dynasty.
" Ming.
Ming.
12 down Ming.
Ming.
Yeah.
[GEESE HONKING.]
Okay.
50 down.
"Arm bone.
" - Arm bone.
- [WOOD CRACKS.]
- Ulna? - Oh! Oh! Ulna.
Ulna.
Yep.
[CHUCKLES.]
Was the the back gate locked or something? Whoa! Come on in.
We might as well hang for a bit.
Okay.
Hey man.
- Are you okay or - Don't worry about the door.
It's just a door.
I can use my money to buy another door.
Uh there's cold cuts in the fridge if you're hungry, but no bread, though.
Brenda doesn't allow bread in our home anymore.
Hey, where is Brenda? Oh, she's out with her precious graduate assistants, Jill and Barry.
They're tagging seals or jerking off dolphins or whatever it is they do together.
She cares more about sea mammals than she ever cared about me.
You sure you're okay, man? - Because it seems like - She kicked me out, Dud.
This isn't our home anymore.
Hey.
It's okay.
It's all right.
Hey, we'll Hey, could you loosen your grip up on me, 'cause [INHALES SHARPLY.]
- You did it, Ernie! - [LAUGHS.]
- You landed Captain! - I did.
But let's not sit back.
I want to get ahead on everything.
Bob, you get the factories up to speed.
I'm going to see Captain's architect.
I'll get the spec sheets from him and start acing out the pricing.
Let this man be an inspiration to all of you.
Sure, you're looking at Ernie, thinking, "Here's a middle-aged nobody on the down-slope of a mediocre career.
Who cares?!" Well, I care.
Because he's about to land the biggest order in the history of West Coast Super Sales.
In my book, Ernie Fontaine is a hero.
- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah! It's what I've term "The Three C's" of Omni West comfort, community, and that which makes both of them possible craft.
- These are the values - Fine.
Fine.
But tell me what's underneath "The Three C's.
" - Underneath? - Hey! This is the vivisection.
Flay the skin.
You have one chance.
- Comfort, community - [HISSES SHARPLY.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, well, uh I can only really speak for Shamroxx, where I've been working as a waitress.
I wasn't there to do research.
Or I guess you could say I was doing unintentional research, which is just life.
Uh, anyway, I have a shitload of debt, and I needed the cash.
So, yeah, we've got "The Three C's," sure, plus all the TVs and the fried food.
The main thing, of course and we can't forget this is tits.
[CHUCKLES.]
But if we're gonna ask ourselves what's underneath the tits and everything else, I'd have to say loneliness and despair.
It's like we're all bound together pervy customers, staff.
We all kind of wash up on the same shore.
My mom died when I was a year old, and my dad died last year, and [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry.
I-I don't know what I'm saying now.
TARQUIN: Don't be.
It's beautiful.
GUARD: Like I said, there's no Kaplan Architects here.
- There never has been.
- But that's crazy.
I had a meeting there a few weeks ago.
You know what's even crazier? This building burned down in 1987.
I'm a ghost.
Sorry.
Little joke.
But, yeah, the office has been abandoned for months.
DUD: So, um, what's Brenda's problem? Her big complaint about me is that I'm a total fraud.
Oh.
Why would she say something like that? 'Cause I commit a lot of fraud.
But not more than anybody else, I think.
She's just become more and more judgmental.
Man, I don't know what happened with us.
I guess it's naive to think that two people will evolve emotionally in the same way, but it's not like I had a bunch of affairs.
It was just the one.
And after a while, it meant nothing.
Huh.
I'll probably never figure out what went wrong.
It was probably the affair.
Our careers ate us up.
We lost track of each other.
We've got the house, we've got the money, we've got everything.
But it's all the wrong stuff, you know? - You need to get back to Spain.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Spain was just a dream.
I'm not that guy anymore.
Not even close.
Man, with the shit I'm involved in now Dud, I've lost my duende, and there's no way to get it back.
- Oh, you can get it back.
- How? With your eyes, man.
Yeah, with your eyes.
That's what the Lodge is all about.
Okay.
But how? You talking the Magnum Opus? Harwood Fritz Merrill? Um Ye I don't Yeah, I don't know.
You know? Um, I don't really know what I'm talking about.
It's just, I think that, maybe with you and Brenda, the divorce is, like, the thing that might need to happen, you know? [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Oh.
Hey, Ernie.
ERNIE: Captain's a fraud! He's playing some kind of twisted game.
Stay away from him! Hey, Ernie.
It's Gary.
Dud has you on speakerphone.
- Ohh.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Shit.
But you're right.
I am a fraud, and I am playing a twisted game.
Come by the house.
I'll explain.
[DRUMS PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[EPIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- - [CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Congratulations, Elizabeth.
Thank you.
Presenting the essence.
[GLASSES CLINKING.]
Isn't this place great?! Brenda's got a thing for narwhals.
Sailors of yore called them the unicorns of the sea.
They thought the tusk had magical properties.
Don't touch that.
That still works.
Just tell me why I couldn't find Kaplan.
Have a seat, fellas.
Thanks, Gary.
You couldn't find Kaplan because Kaplan doesn't exist.
And Kaplan doesn't exist because this whole Orbis deal is really just a huge scam.
There is no redevelopment.
But But what about the billboards? You can't just put up billboards.
- Can you? - So you set this all up to con money out of investors.
No.
Ernie, I'm a patsy.
Believe me, you think I'm hard to find.
The guys that I work for are freakin' shadows.
You met 'em at the Kaplan office, you know.
The The The The gift basket guys.
That's right.
I got a gift basket, too.
I don't even know who they work for.
It's shells within shells.
So they're gonna soak the investors and take off.
No.
It's It's worse than that.
Okay, fellas, here's what happened.
You gotta believe me.
So, these guys tracked me down.
They know that I can pull levers around here.
I can make projects seem legit.
City, county, state.
Now, was there something off about these guys? Yeah.
But they gave me a nice fee up front and a fat-ass back end, so I thought, "What the hell?" Because you live in a moral gray area.
Correct.
It's probably how you lost your duende.
Correct again.
Huh.
Yeah, so, anyway, I take the money.
They pay me in Bitcoin.
It's all very slick.
So, I start making calls.
They take me aside.
They say, "Hey, guess what.
We're not gonna build anything.
This is all a charade.
" Now, our gift basket guys gave me some very valuable information.
That land under Orbis is toxic.
You can't build anything.
But they've paid off a geologist just to come up with some bogus environmental-impact report and then pitch it to the city.
Okay, but then then why lie to Ernie? Why Why Why string him along like that? 'Cause I'm lonely, okay? I mean, I had a blast with you guys.
Most fun I've had in years.
I didn't want it to end.
Now, I was gonna tell you eventually.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
Too late, man.
I'm sorry.
But we've got to say something Tell the city, the newspapers.
Fine.
Go ahead.
But that's exactly what they expect.
It's all part of their plan.
They're moving pieces around on the board.
Here's what's gonna happen.
The story comes out.
Headlines, scandal.
These guys disappear and let the patsies take the hit.
Then they come back with a brand-new shell corporation that buys the same piece of property for pennies on the dollar.
Okay, so, well, why would you go through all that trouble just to buy the land anyway? Because.
If you want to break someone completely, you get their hopes up first.
You tell them the land is gold.
When it turns out to be lead, it'll never be cheaper.
Oh.
[STAMMERS.]
Why would you want to buy toxic land? For what's under it.
Oil.
Orbis land has never been tapped.
[LAUGHS.]
Now, these guys were following me around while I followed them around.
Out in Paramount, there's a warehouse that is stocking the biggest, gnarliest drilling equipment you've ever seen.
They're up to something.
I know it.
Well, good for them.
They get to enjoy the bounty of Long Beach.
They won't get a drop.
'Cause I'm gonna take it.
The old Captain is three steps ahead.
I got a guy in city hall.
As soon as the story breaks about the toxic land, I'm gonna buy it out from under them and make myself the richest asshole in SoCal.
None of that's gonna help your duende problem.
I can buy duende.
Why are you telling us all this? 'Cause I want to get you in on the action.
Invest with me.
Give you money? Look, I'll spot you guys a nice chunk of cash for the buy-in.
Then I'll use your cockfight winnings as collateral.
We'll get it all on paper.
No more, no less.
I'll get mine back when the oil starts to flow.
All I ask is that you let me join the Lodge.
I told you It's probably closing.
We owe a bank in China 300 large.
That's it? I'll tell you what.
I'll pay it.
I want to put money back in the community.
- Duende.
- Duende.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! How do we know you aren't conning us? Because look around.
I'm not going through all this just to scam you guys out of a couple of grand.
I don't need your money.
This is about friendship, guys.
You can back out anytime.
We can still hang.
And, Ernie, you're my guy, either way.
I would love it if you came to work for me.
You've been selling a long time.
You're ready to be the guy who buys.
I think we're both gonna be rich.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like this whole thing - Was meant to be? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, I don't want to say "I told you so," but Larry said something big was gonna happen.
This is it.
- You know what? - This is it.
- You're right.
- Uh-huh.
God help me! You are right, man! You are right! - We're gonna be rich! - Okay.
- Oh, my God! - [VEHICLE DOOR CLOSES.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Liz? I didn't even recognize you.
I mean, you look so important-looking.
- Thanks.
- I should give you crap for signing with a major, but luckily, no one cares about that anymore because nothing means anything anymore.
Oh, Champ.
You're gonna make me cry.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I should be pissed, too.
They never offered me a chance at corporate.
But I'm working on getting over myself.
Mm.
And you absolutely deserve this, Liz.
We're all real proud of you.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
Mm.
Okay, I should let you guys get back to work.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Hey, Liz.
No matter what happens you always have a home with us.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
How've you been? Good.
You? Good.
I'm good.
Uh why are you all dressed up? Why are you here? Listen, um, I wanted to let you know that, pretty soon, I'll be able to help you out.
Yeah.
I'm gonna pay you back.
Hm.
You realize that's not you helping me? That's you doing what you're supposed to be doing.
And And I'll be able to pay off your note at the bank.
And I'm going to get Dad's shop back.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
How? You're wondering how.
Um, I can't really go into specifics right now because it's it's just too complex.
But, basically, because of the Lodge, I am now a stakeholder in a major real-estate acquisition.
- Mm.
Good for you.
- Mm-hmm.
But, uh, I don't need your help.
No.
I've been distilled.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I'm the essence, brother.
I am about to bank some serious bank.
- Whoa! - Oh, yeah.
Salary, benefits, the whole way.
- Oh.
That's good news.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we're both doing great.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Hey.
- Mm.
Glad you're here.
Oh? Yeah.
Everyone went home early tonight, so I'm just [CHUCKLES.]
hanging out.
I heard Band Night's still on.
I'm looking forward to hearing you guys play.
Got any new stuff? [SIGHS.]
Ernie, I need you to do something for me.
Sure.
Anything.
I need you to start sleeping with Connie again.
La-la-la-la, la