Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s03e11 Episode Script

Home Is Where the Hurt Is

Hey, Jimmy, look at this.
My son invited me to go skiing with him in Vermont for the holidays.
-Sounds great.
-What are you doing for Christmas? My mom mentioned meeting her in Vegas.
Well, that's what holidays are all about: Being with family.
As long as it's not my family.
-You're not going to your mom's? -oh, Clark, I just can't.
I always think it's gonna be nice, and every year, it's arguing and fighting.
And not that it won't look perfect.
My family always looks perfect.
So, how did you get out of it? I said I had to cover for you, you're headed to Smallville.
Which isn't a total lie.
You are headed to Smallville.
No, I'm not.
My folks decided to come here.
oh, God, it is a total lie.
So your folks are coming out here? I love your parents.
They're just so not insane.
Lois, some families have worse trouble than yours.
With your husband in prison you devoted your fortune to aiding the destitute.
And poor people, too.
I wish my husband wasn 't a monster who once ran all the crime in the city .
but.
Whatever.
May I? - Well, I-- I wanna hug you, Metropolis, and become a true Metropolean myself.
All I wanna do is fit in.
I mean, you guys run the rackets, prostitution, and the guns in Metropolis.
So, what's left for a girl like me? A dumb old chain of Costmart stores, that's what.
So I have a kind of a thought.
I'll start up lntergang again, and lntergang will run all the crime in the city.
Yes, I like it.
A, we like being on our own.
B, we ain't working for no woman.
And C, we most assuredly are not working for you.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
In the unlikely event of poison gas, pull the mask to you and breathe normally.
Thank you and have a nice day.
T ake it easy.
Watch your back there.
Four crime bosses found together dead.
Somebody was mighty cranky today.
Sort of reminds me of the bad old days of lntergang when Bill Church was trying to put every crook in town under his control.
Are you sure lntergang is finished? What if this is one of Bill Church's lieutenants? Trying to start it up again? Perry wanted me to interview Mindy Church.
I told him I'd rather be buried alive, but maybe I was overreacting.
Maybe she's seen something or knows somebody.
-Clark? -Lois, isn't that your father? .
Hey, there.
-oh, no.
You wanna have better buns in 10 days or less? -oh, my God.
- The answer's in this little bottle.
Dr.
Lane 's patented Abs.
in.
a.
Bottle for the taut belly and butt favored by all.
Two spoonfuls of this, and prepare to be ogled.
That's right.
Only $29.
99 for Dr.
Lane 's.
Well, I can't take any more.
I mean, this man was a brilliant surgeon.
He had a family and a good life.
And he abandoned us to create cyborgs and do this.
I know you thought I was exaggerating about my family.
But-- Well-- -Well.
-Well, when we're married they'll be my family, too.
I suppose that means you're gonna back out? No way.
Sorry to get emotional, but you just touched a nerve.
How is it that you feel so bereft? Your husband left you in charge of millions and the Costmart stores.
Can a store keep you warm at night? Can a store call you " honey bunny"? Can a store--? oh, what else can't stores do? -Poach an egg? -Exactly.
Besides, the Costmart board of directors won't listen to a thing I say.
I've got lots of good ideas, Miss Lane.
Lots and lots.
Those guys make me sick.
Let me ask you about lntergang.
Intergang is over.
And I never knew anything about it when it wasn't over.
Bill never told me anything.
I'm just a bird in a gilded case.
Cage.
Gilded cage.
Hi.
-Bomb.
-Bomb? Poor Lois.
Who'd wanna kill you? -or you, Mrs.
Church.
-Who'd wanna kill you? No, Cheryl Marie, you cannot stay up past 9.
Y es, honey, you can watch TV, just no gratuitous violence, okay? I'll see you tonight.
Joey Bermuda? Also known as the Handyman world's most ingenious assassin? You tried to blow me up today, Joey.
-I don't appreciate that.
-What makes you think it was me? Clown, balloons, bomb.
It all adds up.
You never do things the easy way.
Well, I try to have fun with my work.
I suppose every crime boss in Metropolis pitched in.
or what's left of every crime boss in Metropolis.
The ones you didn't gas.
-I guess you're here to shoot me.
-Don't be silly.
I'm here to hire you.
Face it, Joey.
I've got more cash than all these low-rent crooks put together.
Well, once lntergang is back, I'll control all of the action in town.
-All of it.
-Hey, hey.
okay? There's only one pooper at my party, Joey.
Superman.
I want him killed.
Who doesn't? Unfortunately, the only thing that'll do the trick is kryptonite.
And that's under heavy guard at ST AR Labs.
Forget kryptonite.
I was thinking more like-- -What if Superman got the flu? -You think of that all by yourself? It'd have to be the kind of germ they have on Krypton.
The kind you might be immune to if you lived there.
only Superman never did.
He came to Earth when he was just a baby.
So if his body couldn't fight it off, a raging virus would kill him.
But where are you gonna get a virus from Krypton? -What is it? -oh, something I picked up from a secret government agency.
The spaceship baby Superman came to Earth in.
My scientists scanned this thing and it's real germy, Joey.
The little bugs crystallized when the spaceship's coating heated in the Earth's atmosphere.
So if we can isolate the microbes' DNA, we could start growing our own.
Yes.
-Clark.
-Lois, where you been? Well, I stayed late to finish the Mindy story.
Why would someone wanna kill her? Revenge? T o try and keep her from something she wants? Thanks for grabbing that bomb, by the way.
What's with all the takeout? You invited my parents and me over for dinner.
-I guess you forgot.
-oh, Clark.
I'm sorry.
Jonathan, Martha.
-Lois, could l--? -You didn't say they were here already.
oh, I'm so sorry.
I forgot all about dinner.
-No big deal.
-There's something you should know.
Excuse me.
Clark, could you get the napkins down in that drawer there? -Lois, while Clark was out, he-- -Lois--? -Surprise.
-Mother? -Lois.
-oh, boy.
oh, I couldn't stand the thought of you alone and miserable in this wretched city at Christmas.
Actually, I pictured you more alone than this.
Well-- Yes-- Mother, this is Clark.
-Lois, could I talk to you for a minute? -These are Clark's parents.
Lois.
-Surprise.
Princess.
-Daddy? -Ellen.
-Sam.
oh, boy.
Martha, were you trying to tell me something? Your father's here.
-Lois, I'm leaving.
-oh, Mother, no.
-Lois, yes.
You invited him.
-No, I didn't.
-Then, why is he here? -I'm the father.
-Not for the last 1 7 years.
-Not for the last 1 7 years.
It's a holiday season.
It's time to mend my fences.
-How about a glass of holiday cheer? -Yes, a glass of holiday cheer.
I'm an alcoholic.
Ellen, I was kind of hoping you'd view our past as I do.
A cesspool of abandonment and humiliation? It's past.
When we parted, I was bitter with life and the medical profession but now, I have a whole new lease on life.
-Goodbye, Lois.
-Mother-- oh, don't leave, Ellen.
I wanna introduce you all to someone special.
-Come on up, honey.
-You brought a date? We need to be grown-ups.
Get everything in the open.
-She's outside? It's freezing.
-oh, she doesn't mind.
I'd like you to meet my fiancee, Baby Gunderson.
-My God, she's 9 years old.
-I'm speechless.
-Hello-- Baby, gee, you must be cold.
-I do not feel the cold.
-oh.
Eggnog? -I do not drink.
-Not yet, that is.
-Don't think of her as a human being.
-Sir.
That's a little bit harsh.
-I made her.
-Excuse me? -Built her.
You remember I used to tinker around with cyborgs.
Baby Gunderson's an improvement.
one hundred percent machine.
of all the sicko, psycho, sexual-- Nothing personal, Baby-- -For the love of Mike.
-You leave us and the world-- It's this kind of closed-mindedness that drove us apart.
Now, why can't we just let go of the past? Move on? We're gonna elope.
I got your message.
I've been able to introduce an electro- chemical exciter to the virus' DNA and the damn stuff's begun replicating.
-oh, I love when viruses do that.
-Yes.
But virus growing is a painstaking process.
Could take months before we produce the amount we need.
Well, you tell it to hurry up.
Mrs.
Church, come on.
Whining is not gonna alter the laws of nature.
We'll see about that.
Let me have a peek.
okay, but at this stage, it's invisible to the naked eye.
Is it dangerous? T o us? It's not a virus we'd respond to.
But back on Krypton that must have been the most vicious thing going.
Superman's as good as gone.
I put the word out to every snitch we know to find out what's going on with this crime in Metropolis.
Here's the aspirin you wanted.
I don't think a pill can relieve years of neglect and betrayal.
Try two.
Thanks, Clark.
Tell me the truth.
What do you know about him? -Don't make the same mistake I did.
-Mother, don't do this.
You're projecting your troubles with Daddy on Clark and me.
We're different.
oh, sure.
You think you know Clark.
I thought I knew your father.
He was a brilliant surgeon.
I was his loyal nurse.
We had it all.
-But that wasn't enough for Sam.
-I know.
It was a really bad thing that happened.
But you know, at some point, I had to decide that whatever hell you and Daddy were going through was your business.
And I can't let it wreck my life.
All right.
-Delivery.
-Come in.
Come in.
Thanks.
Here.
Surprise.
I noticed you didn't have a tree yet.
What do you think, princess? I don't know what to think.
You've been gone so long -and now we're doing Christmas-- -I'm pushing too hard, is that it? Dr.
Lane? Baby Gunderson's been sweeping the same spot for about 20 minutes here.
-Give her a knock in the head.
-That's another thing.
Dad, you can't expect Mother to just sit here and string popcorn with-- Spending one evening with a robot is so terrible? -No, but being replaced by one is.
-You're right.
You're right.
I gotta be more sensitive.
Baby, get in the closet.
-Daddy.
-What? Easy storage is her best feature.
There you go.
Bye.
We got the last ticket out here because I flew coach and Baby flew cargo.
-See? Just like the old days, huh? -Hello.
Mother, look.
Daddy got a tree.
oh, Sam.
Still making decisions for everybody.
oh, Mother, could you just try to get along, for me? Lois, could I see you for a minute, please? -I don't believe-- -Holiday season.
You gotta have a tree.
Long Legs Lulu called.
She knows what is going on with crime in Metropolis -but she needs to see us right now.
-Perfect.
Mom, Dad, something's come up.
A work thing.
-We'll be back in a while.
.
Help, Superman.
Help.
-What do you hear? -Someone's on a building about to jump.
Go.
-I have to get some gas.
-He has to feed the dog.
-I'll be back in a minute.
-Wait a minute.
Where are you going? -I got a tip from an informant-- -I've wanted to see you in action.
-I'll get my coat.
-But no.
It's dangerous.
It's very deadly.
-I have little to live for, it hardly matters.
-oh, Mother.
You are not leaving me here with that man and his android.
-oh, God.
-A cashew? Surprise.
Mother.
These people are your informants? What information could they have? This is Lulu's office.
-I wonder where she is.
-She's probably on a break.
Mother, Lulu is a hooker.
It's not a union job.
Your friend's a streetwalker.
Maybe not anymore.
oh, no.
Lulu.
Mother, stay here.
Maybe that person saw something.
I thought we told you babes to stay off these streets tonight.
You have me mistaken for somebody else.
You see, my daughter and l are here in a professional capacity.
But not on this corner.
No babes work this corner without our okay.
Now look here.
I-- Well, I'll tell her.
Lois.
Lois.
-Mrs.
Church? -No, don't try to stop me.
Jumping is the only answer to my loneliness.
Surely a woman as attractive, rich and successful as you has reasons to live.
So often beautiful women become prisoners of their charms.
Furthermore, my beauty reminds me of men.
And men remind me of my incarcerated husband.
That reminds me that I can no longer live with the scorn of being a crime lord's wife.
Look, you've turned your husband's wealth into charitable donations.
You're reaching out to the community.
I mean, you'll do fine in this town.
Well since you put it that way okay.
-There you go.
-Could you take me to some poor people? It won't be long, big guy, and your flying days will be over.
Chief? I filed a story on Mindy Church's suicide attempt, like you asked.
But frankly, I think she's up to something.
Lois.
I understand Superman talked her down off that ledge.
Apparently, he disagrees with you.
It's possible she really is desperate and alone.
You guys are a couple of sentimental softies.
oh, really? Superman is a "sentimental softy"? -He's the worst one of all of you.
-Chief, your son just called.
Apparently, Alice found out about the ski trip and he had to invite her, too.
oh, Judas Priest.
We're split up.
What am I supposed to do? Buy her a gift? What's the protocol on something like this? Family is what the holidays are all about, chief.
You know, you must have really gotten burned.
-What do you mean? -When your family started breaking up it must've been really painful for you.
I guess-- I guess I am kind of a softy.
But it's probably what I learned as a kid.
You know when my father left, l-- I thought it was because of me.
And then I realized that, you know, that's just the way people are.
They can make the deepest commitments to each other and even have kids.
Because they're selfish and just think of their own needs they walk away from it all.
That's what I learned as a kid.
Lois not everyone walks away.
I hope not.
-Bless you.
-oh, thank you.
You don't sneeze.
Not usually.
No.
Did Lois mention what kind of a wedding she'd like? To be honest, I have heard the word "elope.
" oh, dear.
That was my influence.
-You encouraged her to elope? -No, no.
Not exactly.
I just said, in my case, a big wedding was like money down a rat hole.
-You actually said that? -Well, maybe once.
Or twice.
-Eight hundred times.
-Hey, step back.
Give me your purses.
-Give them to me.
-All right.
All right.
Calm down.
Stay put.
-Let's go.
-No, no, no.
He said, stay put.
Come on.
We can see where he went.
He's getting away.
-oh, sorry.
-Come on, Ellen, come on.
You can do it.
How many times do we have to say it? You don't work for us -you don't work.
-That's the same man I saw last night.
He's coming.
It's like the good old days, Mrs.
Church.
Every operation in the city numbers, gambling, gangs, protection, they're all falling in line.
It's time everybody in this stupid town figured out who was in charge.
We are.
Well-- You are.
Superman must be sick as a dog.
The virus should be going nuts by now.
That's really neat, Joey, but I've been doing some additional thinking.
Those reporters, Lois Lane and Clark Kent are writing about crime in Metropolis and how they think somebody's organizing it.
-So? -Well, it's annoying.
-I guess that means you want them dead.
-ls that a big deal? You know, Mrs.
Church, you're becoming a full-time job.
-When's all the killing gonna end? -I don't know.
Is there a rule? Besides, I'm sure you'll come up with something wonderful.
Give me a minute.
-Got it.
-Yay.
I can rig their microwave ovens, so at the end of the cook cycle the oven emits a high-pitched tone, undetectable by the human ear yet so intense, it will rupture the blood vessels in their brain killing them in seconds, with all the appearance of a stroke.
oh, Joey.
I don't know what to say.
Yes, I do.
Mrs.
Church, you and I are both married and I believe in the sanctity of the home.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a school play to go to.
I don't really like rejection, Joey.
Male lips.
I'm talking implants, Jonathan.
Men can already enlarge everything else on their bodies but lips are largely virgin territory.
How would you like to go through life with a set of these babies? An investment of 50 grand and you're in.
Well, Sam, I follow the market pretty closely and everything I've read points to a bad year for rubber lips.
Honey.
Baby, it's naptime.
Afterward, we'll rent a movie.
I told you not to get so close to the fridge.
There you go.
Come on.
There we go.
Close your eyes.
It's great you got the license number.
I'm saying you shouldn't chase muggers.
It's okay.
He tells me the same thing.
-What happened? -Sam, some robber stole our purses.
-My God.
-Are you all right? Yes.
Lois, there's something terribly wrong with Clark.
I know.
I keep trying to get him to rest, but he won't listen to me.
Hello? oh, hi, Jimmy.
Yeah.
Let's have it.
-Why, Sam.
-What? Are you sure? okay, thanks.
Guess who owns that van.
our favorite cover operation, Costmart.
Maybe I'll just hop on over there and take a little scan.
You'll do no such thing.
Now, sit down.
-oh, what's the matter, boy? -oh, honey.
You're burning up.
-Clark? -I don't know what's happening.
Son, let's take you home and get you to bed.
okay, okay.
So, this is what being sick feels like.
oh, there's just one thing I have to do first.
The kids here at the Children's Home are awaiting the arrival of one of their favorite people in what's become an annual-- Hey, kids.
How you doing? It wouldn't feel like the holidays if I didn't come down here and see you.
Maybe some of you are thinking that your family could use one more little person.
Well, if that's the case, I'd like you to remember my little friends here.
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
Hello and Merry Christmas to my adopted hometown, Metropolis.
I love kids.
I mean, I used to be one myself.
You orphans give me the gift of reminding me how fortunate I am to be wealthy so I wanna give something back.
-over here.
I want one.
-I want one.
over here.
-I'm sick.
-oh, I love you.
-You're not the only one.
-No, seriously.
-I love you all.
-I think I'd better get out of here.
oh, I love you.
I love you all.
Bye-bye.
-Man.
-Clark? Thanks, Mom.
I'll let you rest, okay? My boy is sick.
For the first time in his life.
Martha, does he have any medical records or x-rays? Anything that shows how his body works? No.
Nothing.
There was just never any need.
We got here as quick as we could.
What's going on? -Daddy, you' re a doctor.
-Thank you for remembering, sweetie.
I was wondering if you could look at a friend of mine.
-Lois.
Superman? -oh, well, he and Clark are very close.
Clark's out on assignment.
So when Superman got sick, I brought him here.
Daddy, we need your help.
I need your help.
Lois, he's very ill.
His physiology may be totally different from ours.
-I haven't practiced for 1 5 years.
-I know.
But, Daddy, when I was a little girl I knew that my father was a brilliant doctor.
Wasn't he? If I never ask anything of you would you be that doctor again? Hey, reporting in.
I'm all set at Lois Lane's apartment.
Y eah, it's me.
The Handyman.
It's all set.
I'm heading back to the wharf.
Robbery every eight minutes, muggings on every street corner.
The cops are completely outmanned.
It's organized, it's relentless, it's methodical.
It's a show of power, Jimmy.
okay, activate sector nine.
Robbery unit, head to Metropolis Savings and Loan.
The Central Bank is under siege.
The mall has been taken hostage.
-Where is Lois and Clark? Find them.
-I don't know, chief.
Where the sam hill is Superman? Another siren.
I never heard so many sirens.
Thanks, sweetie.
He's asleep again.
It's so hard for him to breathe.
Everything points to a rampaging viral infection.
No medicine I know of seems to be effective.
And I'm afraid it's overwhelming his system.
-He's very lucky to have you all here.
-We're very lucky to have him.
Can you save him? Lois you were a little girl when you thought I could do miracles.
Now you're grown up and you know miracles come at a price.
Yes.
There is one very controversial treatment.
The theory is to bring the host body to the point of death.
As it begins to die, it can no longer support the invading virus.
It's a great risk, bringing your friend close enough to death to starve out the virus yet pulling him back to life afterwards.
Are you asking me to make that decision for him? You don't have to.
The answer is yes.
Yes, Dr.
Klein.
You heard me correctly.
I'll put Superman on, so you can confirm his voiceprint.
Dr.
Klein, it's me.
Deliver it to Lois as she asked.
You can change your mind.
There's still time.
I'm afraid there isn't.
You understand I've never done this procedure in quite this way before? I understand.
This won't be easy, honey.
-Please forgive me.
-Forgive you? -For putting you through this.
-You had no choice.
We had no choice.
Remember when I asked you how you felt about me? And you told me that being with me was stronger than being alone? Grab on to that strength now.
We can be strong enough for everybody.
This is really rough on my parents, you know? Will you take care of them for me? I will.
I love you.
Daddy.
He's in a coma.
Sam.
-May l? -oh, sure.
Jonathan, I wanna thank you for being so good to my little girl.
It's been tough for her to trust people and I feel somewhat to blame for that.
I was thrilled she found Clark.
He's a special son.
He must be.
Superman must be a special friend.
He and my boy have a lot in common.
Has there been any change? No.
Not yet.
But you look more drained than I've ever seen you.
Now I want you to take a break.
You go to your place for a while.
-I can't leave.
Jonathan, tell him I can't.
-Lois.
Martha's feeling poorly.
We'd both like it if you came with us.
I think Clark would appreciate it, too.
I promise I'll call the minute there's a change.
Trust him, sweetheart.
Trust him.
Clark.
-Clark.
-Lois.
-Lois.
-Clark? Clark? Hello? Yeah, Sam.
He what? Yes.
-Lois.
-I know.
I know.
He's awake.
-How did you know? -I'm going there.
We're right behind you.
oh, you're half asleep.
Take some coffee.
okay.
Thanks.
oh, he's gonna be all right.
He's gonna be all right.
We both know it.
Don't forget your coffee.
Lois.
-Don't you hear it? -Hear what? Son, son.
You're delirious.
Your body's had a severe trauma and you're terribly weak.
-You all right? -Are you all right? oh, God, we thought we were gonna lose you.
-Boy, you had us worried.
-We were terrified.
Your dad's theory was right, Lois.
He saved my life.
And you saved ours.
Baby Gunderson.
oh, poor thing.
She was here the whole time.
-The man came to fix the microwave.
-What man? Handyman.
.
.
reporting in.
Yeah, it's me.
The Handyman.
I'm all set here.
-I'm headed back to the wharf.
-The Handyman? He's the one behind this.
I thought he was out of circulation.
Maybe not.
This microwave thing's exactly his style.
.
.
reporting in.
Yeah, it's me.
The Handyman.
I'm all set here.
-I'm headed back to the wharf.
-l' m headed there.
-I'll call the cops.
I'll meet you there.
-Don't exert yourself, honey.
Hello.
It's me.
I thought you ought to know there's a whole lot of cops headed your way.
Come on, come on.
Where the hell is she? -There is a bunker down here.
-Just like Superman said.
Well, Joey Bermuda, the Handyman.
They made me, Joey.
They said they'd put me away if I didn't show them your office.
My office? This isn't my office.
That's not what it looks like to me.
Hold it.
How did that get here? -Memos on your personal stationery.
-What? Let's see.
Blueprints here for modifying a microwave oven.
And notes on how to make a deadly virus.
Wait a minute.
This is the office of Joey Bermuda.
Leave a message when you hear a beep.
-Wait, let's see who it is.
-Joey, it's me, Mindy.
I've thought about your offer, but I won 't help you.
Intergang is wrong, Joey.
I don 't care how much money is involved.
Besides, you know what you tried to do to Lois Lane.
- Who knows what you 'd do to me? -Get him out of here.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
You got it wrong.
It's her office.
It's all her.
She runs lntergang.
I' m being set up.
I really don't like rejection, Joey.
oh, Pookey.
Why are we still here? Here we go.
This is the finest Christmas I've had in a long time.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you, Daddy, for making it the same for me.
Clark, who does Superman spend his holidays with? Friends.
Loved ones.
He's a pretty lucky guy.
Well, looks like we're finished.
Light them up.
-okay.
Just take it easy, everyone.
-I guess it's a one-tree apartment.
No one panic.
Baby Gunderson, if you wouldn't mind.
There we are.
Well, well.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Maybe next year at this time we'll be spending the holidays at our house.
I guess there's a lot to be said for family.
People who stick by you no matter what.
Just like you stuck by me.
Lois, I have never been through anything like that.
Maybe it was the kryptonite that saved me but I think it was you.
So you still wanna elope? Oh, you know, without them, it might seem kind of dull.