Mad Dogs (2010) s02e03 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 3

Here's to you, Alvo.
Cheers.
(glasses chink) Out the way, boys.
Oh, senor.
Gracias, senor.
What's all that about? Mind your own business.
Alvo? If you die before us, can we have your villa? It's already yours.
Seriously.
I've put it in all your names.
Don and Nick said we were good.
(shouts inaudibly) We've gotta get out of here! I think this, right now, is the start of a whole new life for all of us.
We put the money in the back of the car.
(boom!) They've come after us.
Who have? Whoever that money belongs to.
Right.
We need to find somewhere to hide the money.
(hollow sound) Shove it up her.
You can't do that! It's disrespectful.
We're all going straight to hell.
Get in the car.
(shouts in Spanish) Who are you? I'm the man whose money you took.
Tell us exactly what he said.
If we don't give him three million, boom! Have you tried Hector? Yes.
Try him again.
Go! Get off your arse! I reckon we should split up and head off.
Every man for himself.
Guys, I think there's something going on out there.
There.
Someone's signalling.
Argh! Argh! Hector! Why would they kill him? I don't know.
I mean, we're the ones who took it.
Well, Baxter's the one who took it.
Oh, just blame me, Rick, why don't you? Well, you took it, Bax.
I said, "This is nuts.
I don't want anything to do with it.
" You know, I would hate to be stuck in the trenches with you, Rick.
You are stuck in the trenches with him.
All that guy did was change money for us.
Who'd kill him for that? (sprays) He walks among us.
Don't look so worried, Alvo.
No, I'm not.
I'm just, um, not quite sure what I'm doing here, that's all.
This is where is all happens, is it? Surprised? Well, I dunno.
I just expected something different.
You know what really fucks me off? Aubergines! Every year I try.
It must be the soil.
Too much acid or something.
You know about that, then? (laughs) No.
I just thought that's what you're supposed to say.
Don't be a people pleaser, Alvo.
It makes you look a creep.
I don't have strong feelings about vegetables, really.
Oh, you should.
You're at that age.
Surprisingly captivating, agriculture.
I'm not really ready to watch my garden grow just yet.
I was hoping you would say that.
Have you ever had one of those days when you get up, look at everything you've got, and then you panic? Cos you've got no safety net if everything goes tits up? It won't.
I've been careful.
I've got a business proposition.
I'm about to retire.
And do what? Enjoy life.
Ah, don't be so soft.
Give it a year, and you'll be a fat, dribbling pisshead, hanging out in ex-pat pubs, boring everybody witless about how you used to do this, drive one of those.
Things change as you get older.
Different things take precedence.
They say, when a man reaches 50, he should never pass over the opportunity to use the bathroom.
Duly noted.
Mm.
You're gonna come in as a partner to me in a little business venture.
But I'm not interested.
I'm happy as I am.
But you're not.
I am.
No, you're not.
I am.
You're fucking not.
You're not happy, Alvo.
I am.
I'm happy.
I'm really, really happy.
No, you are not! You're miserable! I can see by the way you're dressed, by the way you stand! You're only one personal crisis away from becoming a Scientologist! I am really, really happy.
I am fucking delirious! Oh, so you are.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
And someone like you needs stimulation.
I'm not talking about some senorita sucking your cock.
I'm talking about male ego.
Our need to achieve, to conquer, to break things.
Let's just leave it there.
Sooner or later, you're gonna be asking yourself why you've got five fucking bedrooms and you can't sleep! You need a purpose, Alvo.
What can I say to you to prove? There's a club in Ibiza owned by a pair of snarky bastards who nicked a ton of weed from me seven years ago.
Y-You're not serious? See how they like it done to them.
No.
It's easy.
Lucrative.
But why bother? You've got enough money, haven't you? It's not about money.
I am man enough to admit that I have a resentment, and it's affecting my equilibrium.
I've waited seven years for this.
Mm? Come on.
Come on.
Alright, Dominic.
Alvo.
Give us a beer, Dom.
We've been talking about the Ibiza idea.
Are we onboard? Er, I don't think I'm quite cut out for it, actually.
Ooh.
It sounds like he's given you the bum's rush.
Has he? Cheeky monkey! Hola.
Como estas? Hello, Maria.
Mwah! Mwah! This is our friend Alvo.
You're Alvo.
I know all about you.
You are famous.
I don't know about that.
You are the man to see for buying land on the island.
Was.
I'm getting out of the game now.
Course, he's had a little help along the way.
How's that now? You had help.
I don't think so.
Dominic hasn't thrown you the odd bone, then? He tipped me the nod once or twice.
Nice one, Alvo.
So, what are you saying? That I owe you? You don't seriously think that everything you have here, Alvo, is all down to you, do you? It is very easy.
We will call you and ask you to collect the boat.
Nah.
No.
You sail the boat to an agreed location, and somebody will come and meet you, and then you take the boat back.
No, I can't risk it.
My whole life is on the island now.
Home, investments, belongings.
If I get in trouble with the police, then I risk losing the lot.
You will not get into trouble with the police.
But you don't know that.
(laughs) (unzips bag) So, you don't need to worry.
You will be protected.
Pay you upfront.
This This isn't me.
I'll send you some cash upfront.
50,000 euros.
How many ways do I have to say it? You don't want the job.
You can still have the money.
I don't want it! I'll send it over by courier.
I really don't want it.
What are you so scared of? Everything.
You're scared of us? Yes, I am.
Why? Because Because I know it won't end there.
I do one job for you and I I think it best if I just leave, yeah? Alright? It's my fault.
Yeah.
He said we should give it back and forget about it.
He He said, .
.
"Once you shake hands with the devil" Well, I didn't shake hands with the devil.
He's the one who shook hands Now he's made us all shake hands with the devil, even though we didn't wanna shake hands with him! You know what your problem is, don't you? No.
Why don't you tell me, Rick? You never admit it when you fuck up! (phone rings) Are you for real?! We could've been out of here two days ago if it weren't for you! What, and leave Quinn behind? Hola.
Si, si.
We went back for him because he's our mate.
And that's what mates do.
You look after one another.
Si, senor.
Maybe you don't, Rick.
(speaks in Spanish) Ciao.
Checking if my mother is OK.
Is she OK? Yes.
Come on.
Come on, guys, we've had it.
Let's just turn ourselves in and let's just get it over with.
If we go to the police, Quinn and Woody are looking at 15 years.
Woody might be OK.
I mean, if you all got your stories straight.
Still doing time, though.
Once you go away, that's it.
Your life's over.
Everything I've clawed back over the last four years, gone.
Girlfriend, house, forget it.
Let's put it this way.
If I get knocked down one more time, I'm really not sure whether I'll be able to get up again.
So, we need to try and get the money then, don't we? We've got 16 hours to find 114,000 euros.
OK.
So, how are we going to find it? First, we need to find where Hector put the 25%.
So, where would that be? It'd be in Hector's house.
Well, if he was able to, he would have posted the message on a website, telling you where he was in case anything happened.
What's the quickest way of getting money from the UK? Wire.
Take a few hours.
OK.
How much can you get? Me? You must have some savings.
Got a little bit.
Well, how much? It's kind of private.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Rick! We're all about to get murdered.
I don't think anybody here is gonna judge you on what you've got in the bank! Accessible? 25 grand.
Is that all? You're fuckin' judging me! You were giving it the big one about how much money you had.
In bonds and long-term accounts! That's all I can get quickly.
What about you? Are you serious? Well, Rachel, then.
Ask my ex-wife? I don't fuckin' think so! It's a matter of life or death, maybe? Yeah.
You pay maintenance.
So? So? So you probably still got your joint accounts.
Eight grand.
10, max.
What about you? Bollocks.
I must have left my krugerrands in my other trousers.
Well, I've got, um, about three in my current account, and maybe two in my savings.
Well, I told you things were bad.
Woods? Overdrawn.
End of.
What about Amy? No.
Why not? I'm not dragging her into this.
Ohh.
We dragged all ours in.
I fucked my life up but I'm not gonna fuck hers up.
I'm sorry, but.
.
I said no, Rick.
OK? Don't ask me again.
Don't even mention her name.
Got it? Carmen, can you get anything? Whoa Don't worry, love, Bax will pay you back, obviously.
I have four thousand, and maybe I could borrow two thousand from my mother.
I need you to wire me some money.
Yes, and it's my money too.
Hey, darling, how are you doing? Yeah.
Yeah, I know it's the middle of the night.
I dunno.
Whatever's in there.
There should be about 10? Obviously there's a problem.
Go to the Western Union website.
You can use your credit card.
We're looking at a lot.
Rachel, you got every single fucking thing you wanted from me! The more you can make me suffer, the happier you are! It's just a bit of a problem.
I need you to send me some money.
Not much.
A bit more than that.
You love it that things haven't worked out for me.
You turn my kids against me, you make our friends take sides.
I need more like 25 grand.
When my entire career folded around me, did you offer any help or support? No! You danced on my fucking grave! It's that business thing.
I told you about it earlier.
The thing with Baxter.
Yeah, you'll get it back.
.
.
knobhead boyfriend with his BMW and his Club Med and his Reeboks and his fucking tennis!! Bax is looking at me now.
He's laughing.
Do this, it's the last thing I'll ever ask you to do.
He's just waiting for this little thing.
Just do it, will ya? You will never hear from me again.
I love you.
Do you understand? Yes.
Yes, so just wire me the fucking money.
Please? (exhales deeply) I'm sorry.
It's Hector.
He told me where it is.
He posted a message before they killed him.
Where does that leave us? 62 grand shy.
Right.
We hit the banks first thing in the morning.
(machine beeps) There.
That pushes it up to 2,000.
That's not too shabby, is it? Right.
Who's keeping the money? I'll take it.
Cos I had a couple of drops of vino last night? I'm keeping it.
Most of it's mine, anyway.
I'm gonna go with Carmen.
Right.
We'll see you again, won't we? What's that supposed to mean? Lot of money, Bax.
You two swan off, do a nice little runner.
Where do you think I'm gonna run to, Rick? My ex-wife, who seems to think I'm a drug addict? The police, who want to arrest me? Or the psychopath that wants to fucking kill me? Where do you think I should go? Come on.
Gracias, Hector.
OK.
(loud knock on door) Who is it? It's me.
Where's Bax? Right.
Nina's sent an extra three grand.
Not quite sure how to take that.
So, did you get it? Carmen borrowed three off her mom.
OK, so where are we at, then? We are 54 shy.
Where the hell are we gonna get 54 grand from? Do you wanna tell him, Carmen? The club where I work.
On a normal night there is maybe 300,000 euros in the safe.
I know a way you could get in, take some money, and get out.
Unseen.
It You've all discussed this, have you? Well, we thought we'd have a secret ballot.
It's just a yes or no.
Stick it in the bowl.
We've got a result? We do.
We've run out of ideas, Rick.
Hm.
So now we're gonna be robbers as well.
That's brilliant.
Just brilliant.
(seagulls call) (man chatter below / seagulls call) Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Look at the state of you lot.
You're not gonna be like this all day, are you? Quick beer and we'll be on our way.
Round the table, I want all your ambitions for the next year.
Don't think about it, just say it.
Woody? Day at a time, mate.
Don't plan.
But you must have a goal? That isn't mine.
Thank you.
Um, well, there's a girl that I've been seeing.
So she's into you, is she? She's into my potential.
It's up to me not to do anything stupid and fuck it up.
Quinn? Stay healthy, I suppose.
Don't be such a nonce.
Where's the fire in your belly? Come on, you must want something.
I like my life as it is.
No, you don't.
You're staring into a bottomless pit of despair, mate.
No, I'm perfectly happy, thank you.
No, you're not.
You're miserable.
I can tell by the way you dress, by the way you stand.
You're one personal crisis away from becoming a Scientologist.
Alvo, are you serious about leaving us your villa? Yeah, why not? You may as well throw it over the cliff now, then.
You would, too.
Too right.
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Don't fuckin' tempt me.
What is your problem? You started it, having a go at my life.
What the fuck do you know? More than you ever will.
You've gotta lot of money, and your big watch.
Well done, you.
Nice.
Whoa, whoa.
Boys.
It's like being back at school.
Then stop making cracks about me dying, then.
Alright? (kicks cage) In your life, there's very few moments that really matter.
Now the bastard is that you don't realise that these are the moments, except in hindsight.
I got lucky.
I I saw one of my moments coming.
I could've taken a huge chance, and my whole life could've gone to the next level.
But I'd rather stick with what I've got.
You'd be mad to risk it, wouldn't you? Yeah, that's what I thought, basically.
Which is why I save it for myself.
Which is unlike you lot.
(exhales) It don't help when he rams it down your neck, does it? No.
Still, at least one of us cracked it.
Good luck to him.
We all made our choices, didn't we? Is it just me, or is it harder to change things when you get to our age? You know you can't just walk away from things any more.
No, you can't.
Christ knows, I would like to sometimes.
Alvo? Alvo? Where's the toilet? It's just up there.
Woody? I'm serious about wanting to help you out.
I'm fine.
No.
No, you've got no money, mate.
I'm used to it.
I appreciate the thought, though.
Whenever I do a big deal, right, I get a little thank you in cash.
What, backhander? It's more like a tip.
People do it out here.
It's just like the old brown envelope, you know? Like what the courier brought you? Well, let's just say I've got some cash in the house, and I'd like you to have it.
No It's a present, mate, to get you on your feet.
Honestly, pal, I'm alright.
It's free fucking money.
Woody, I don't want it.
I've got enough.
And it's cash, so no one needs to know.
It's between the two of us.
Keep it a secret from the lads? I don't Probably best, innit? You're only as sick as your secrets.
What the fuck are you talking about? That's what they teach you in recovery.
You shouldn't keep secrets.
They fuck you up.
Listen, man, thanks, anyway.
No, Woods Woody! Woody! (I I bunged it in the safe.
) (car horn) (50 grand.
It's yours, alright?) (Ungrateful fucker!) I was trying to do the right thing, Woody.
It's in the safe! There's money in the fucking safe! Whaddya mean, there's money in the fucking safe?! Remember the courier that came round to Alvo's? The guy with the envelope? It had money in it.
Alvo's put it in the safe.
That's what I can hear banging around.
There's 50 fucking grand in here.
Hang on.
How do you know this? I'll tell you in a bit.
Why not tell us now? We've tried a hundred ways to open that.
We try a hundred more.
C'mon.
(clunk!) (speak in Spanish) Well, this is Mano.
He can help us.
(speaks in Spanish) He normally buys things.
Fixes them and then sells them.
You can trust him.
Give me a moment.
(speaks Spanish) Si, claro.
(whistles / speaks Spanish) (all gasp) (laughs) (speaks Spanish) There.
Fucking hell! 50 grand! How did you know? Alvo alluded to it.
How come he alluded it to you? He didn't allude to me.
Did he allude to you? Alright, listen.
We've got three hours.
We're four grand short.
Carmen, you know you said he buys and sells thing? Yes.
This watch is worth a bloody fortune.
Five grand, it's his.
Cinco mil.
Cinco mil? (both speak Spanish) He says he'll give us two and a half thousand.
Taking the piss.
No, four.
Final offer.
Tres.
Tres mil quinientos.
(speaks Spanish) He says three and a half thousand less 100 for opening the safe.
Alright, do it.
600 short.
So we've got two hours to get the rest out of Mary.
600? That's loose change compared to what we've cobbled together.
Hey, hang on.
I've got an idea.
Carmen, you can drive fast, yeah? Yeah.
Who's the fastest runner out of us lot? It's got to be between you and Woody, hasn't it? Ah, I dunno.
I dunno.
I'm pretty fast.
You're not as fast as me, are you? I think I probably was, yeah.
No, I don't think you are any more.
I probably still could be.
You're living in the past.
Why don't you two race, we'll hang about until you sort it out, yeah? OK, you two go with Carmen and get the car.
Woody, come with me.
Meet me outside the apartment, across the road.
Keep the engine running.
Be ready to leave, fast.
I'm a lot better at football than Bax.
Yeah.
OK.
Stand there.
Just make out like you're talking to me.
(general laughter) Go on, then.
Er, I I don't know what to talk about.
Hang on.
No, don't look round.
OK, you know what we're doing, yeah? Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
If someone gets hurt, so be it.
(revs engine) Go, go, go! (tyres squeal) How much, Rick? 10, 20, 30 Er, four hundred and seventy five.
Blimey! Who'd have thought that standing still could be so bloody lucrative? Er, 125 short.
Maybe there's a collection plate at the church? What? They're for the needy, aren't they? Hola.
(speak in Spanish) Hang on! Hold on.
Gracias.
She said she'll pray for us.
Ah, that's great.
Listen, she couldn't lend us the last 125, could she? Rick! Rick.
Well, obviously we'll pay her back when we've got it.
(sighs) (speaks in Spanish) Gracias.
Gracias.
Muchos gracias.
Muchos gracias.
Gracia very much.
Come on! We've got it.
We've got it! (priest conducting service in Spanish) (Bollocks! Where did this lot come from?) How long have we got? An hour.
How long does it take to get there? An hour.
(Fuck! Shit! Sorry.
) (I shouldn't swear in church.
Sorry.
) (Carmen, can you tell whether this is near the beginning or the end of the ceremony?) (Sounds like the middle.
) (But it's Catholica, so it's normally it's a big middle.
) (priest continues ceremony) (Shit!) (Rick?) What? Sorry.
You're a lucky man.
She's gorgeous.
I'll get the head.
(all gasp) Momento, momento, momento.
(all talk at once) Sorry.
Right, get her on the back! Hold it! Hold it! Get something to jam it! I'm coming! Hurry up! (groans) The money's rammed in her tight! Come on! Go on, get her in the car! Go! What shall we do with her? She's been good to us.
(engine starts) (tyres squeal) Come on, foot down, Carmen.
Only 20 minutes to go.
(tyres screech) (police siren) I don't believe it! You've gotta be fucking kidding me? (shouts in Spanish) What's up? Jesus! (speaks in Spanish) D'you think he knows about Mary? Oh, great! As well as committing a crime, we've now offended a whole religion! He's charging us.
With what? Ah, murder, assault, fraud, drugs.
Take your pick.
With speeding.
Right, so So we pay the fine.
Now.
100 euros.
He's coming.
(clears throat) (speak in Spanish) So, do you have 100 euros? Yeah.
Si.
(speak in Spanish) Thank you.
Three fucking minutes! Jesus Christ! Carmen, wait.
Stay there.
No.
Stay there.
Please! Let's go! Come on! Bax! (laughs) Quinn? What are you laughing at? Come on! Let's go.
It's ridiculous! (all pant) You cut that fine.
Is it all there? Yes.
You're not gonna die on me, are you? There are kids out there.
It's all there.
You can check it if you want.
I will.
Right, we're square.
Listen we'll be off.
Cheers.
Come on, lads.
Hang on a second! Right, when I saw run, leg it! Boys! No.
Stop! No, no, no, no.
Stop! What if he's the one who phoned my home pretending to be Alvo? If we all go in different directions, he can't get all of us.
No.
Why the fuck not?! What if he knows where I live? My wife and kids are there.
Rick Rick If you go back Oh, you Shit! Hi.
Only me, mate.
Listen, can I just explain something? OK? It's all there.
It's all there.
Except, it is a hundred euros short.
Because, you see, we were driving and got stopped for speeding.
A hundred short? Yeah.
But don't worry, OK? Cos what we're gonna do, right, is when we get home we're gonna send it to you.
I'll wire it first thing, straight to you.
I mean, for all intents and purposes, we did get it all back for you.
Well, that's just it.
You didn't.
I tell you what.
We'll all have an ice cream, and then we can decide what we're gonna do about it.
Whose idea was it to take my money? Oi, you! We gave you the money back.
You didn't do what I asked! You messed up! So now you have to put right what you so royally screwed up! (sighs) Where the fuck are we? If they pull this off, are you gonna let us go? Five seconds.
Tell me one reason why I shouldn't blow your fucking face off?