Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy (2015) s03e19 Episode Script

The Real Me

[Quill sighs] I have never been so glad, to see a giant, severed head in all my life.
Got that right, Quill.
Bad enough the whole galaxy thought we were dead.
Now the d'ast Nova Corps is trying to make it happen for real.
Which might have something to do with the fact that Nova Prime has been replaced by an evil robot.
Welcome, Peter Quill Who Is Also Called Star-Lord.
It is good to be seeing you mostly in one piece.
You wouldn't believe the week we're having, Cosmo.
Cosmo believe, because Cosmo read Guardians' minds.
But please not to worry.
Guardians are safe from no-goodniks here in Knowhere.
[beeping] Would these "no-goodniks" include the woman currently attempting to break into our ship? [Gamora] Quill, Rocket, shake her off, now! [growls] [engine sputtering] We're trying, Gamora, but somebody decided to improve the controls when they repaired the ship! [beeps] And why the flarg did you install these lights? I am Groot.
Great.
Now, if the crazy lady breaks in, we can offer her a nice suntan! [Guardians yell] Groot, which one is the "save our butts" button? [grunting] [grunts] [beeps] Uh, Cosmo, good news.
We are definitely gonna make it to the hangar.
Bad news: we are definitely gonna crash.
Okay, everybody hang on.
I'm gonna try to steer us a path far away from civilians.
[scraping metal] [Rocket] Yeah.
How's that working out for ya? [sighs] [Quill] Seriously? Well, we shook off the mystery intruder, the ship's in one piece mostly and no one got hurt.
I'm calling this a win.
Says the guy who don't gotta fix nothin'.
We're not in the clear yet.
Personal cloaking technology doesn't come cheap, which means that intruder is definitely coming back.
Relax.
That's what we have a psychic Russian dog for.
Hey, Cosmo, you think you could be a good boy and help us figure out who's trying to destroy us? [Cosmo] Many, many peoples wants to destroy Guardians.
Come to Continuum Cortex and Cosmo will help narrow down, yeah? [chattering] [Gamora] Stick together and don't draw any attention.
Anyone here could be a rat for Nova Prime.
- Metaphorical rat.
- Ah.
[chattering continues] I am Groooot! Ah! You lost your button-pushing privileges back on the ship.
I am Groot! Oh, flarg.
Uh, hey, guys? I hate to break it to ya, but the intruder we lost ain't stayin' lost.
She's right behind us.
Then let's deal with her while we have the element of surprise.
I am Groot! [grunts] Now! [grunting] [yells, grunts] [grunts, groans] [yells] Trust me, you don't wanna do this.
[Quill] Thing is, we don't trust you.
[grunts] So we do wanna do this.
Groot! [shakily] I am Groot.
Groot! No! [grunts] [Guardians grunting] [blows landing] [Guardians grunting] [singsongy] I am Groot.
[moans] And the lady behind cloak number one is An Asgardian Valkyrie? This day just got infinitely worse.
Incorrect.
It was always this bad.
We were simply unaware of it.
Ignorance is bliss.
And right now, so is a point-blank blaster shot.
Whoa! Guys! Did I miss something? Asgardians are our friends.
Valkyries aren't anyone's friends.
They're Asgard's most lethal warriors.
A handful of them can destroy entire planets.
There are worlds where even seeing a Valkyrie is considered an omen of complete destruction.
[Rocket] So, what kind of omen is it when one of them grabs you by the leg?! [Guardians grunt, yell] - You, here, now! - Yeah, no, thanks.
Gotta go! [panting] [object shatters] Sorry! I'll pay for that! I mean, I won't, but [grunting] [bystanders murmuring] [object shatters] Oh! Hey, that's a good deal.
[yells] [clattering] [sighs] Guys, I'm pretty sure I lost her, so you're welcome.
[yells] J'Que? Aw, co Listen, I can't deal with my tab right now.
I've got bigger things to worry about than units.
Oh, this ain't about units, Quill.
[whimpers] What? Since when? Whoa! [grunts] Wait a minute, suddenly buff person with anger issues.
[growling] J'Que, you been hanging out with Nova Prime lately? [grunts] [chuckles] Uhh [grunts] Here.
Have a drink on the house.
Oops.
Forgot to add ice.
Oh! Star-Lord: one.
Ugly robot imposter: zero.
[yells] [grunts] [laughing] Oh, um, did I say "ugly"? [Gamora] Quill's not picking up his comm.
- The Valkyrie must've caught him.
- The Valkyrie did not catch him.
- How the flarg do you know that? - Because she is right there.
[chattering] Let's just focus on finding Quill before the Valkyrie does.
[crackling] Perhaps J'Que has seen him.
Considering he's covered in ice, I'd say he has, and not in a good way.
[yells] Hey, nobody hurts Gammy! And nobody hurts Quill but us! J'Que, what did you do to Quill? [J'Que's voice] I'd worry more about what I'm gonna do [normal voice] to you, Gamora.
[gasps] How many of you are there? More every day, sweetheart.
There's about to be one less.
[grunts] [yells] Since when is she on our side? If you wanna run away again, I don't mind the workout.
But you'll just make it harder for me to protect you from your real enemies.
If you want to protect us, why did you try to break into our ship? Xandar is swarming with Darkhawks.
I thought you had been replaced, until the big guy attacked.
'Hawks don't fight their own.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.
- What exactly are Darkhawks? - A pain in the galaxy's rear end.
They're an army of robots that can duplicate anyone they touch.
They tried to take over Asgard centuries ago, but we banished them to their own private realm.
Oh, looks like a couple of 'em managed to un-banish themselves.
"A couple"? Try the entire Galactic Council.
They've all been secretly replaced by Darkhawks.
If it is a secret, how do you know? Because they tried to replace Prince Thor.
Fortunately, his hammer isn't just for decoration.
Now Asgard shut its borders to prevent a Darkhawk infiltration.
So why come chasing after us? I know.
You hardly seem worth the effort.
But I have orders from Thor to bring you back.
Although I could've sworn there were five of you.
Peter! We have to find Quill.
You three, search the market.
I'll check Starlin's.
I'm coming with you.
Remember, anyone could be a Darkhawk.
So shoot first and ask questions later.
- I am Groot.
- I do, too, ask questions! You know, sometimes.
So, what exactly do I call you? Do Valkyries even have names? - Why don't you just call me Val? - O-kay, Val.
You're a lot more casual than most Asgardians I know.
I dropped the "verilys" a while ago.
And you're not exactly what I expected from "the Most Dangerous Woman in the Galaxy.
" Care to find out how dangerous I am? [grunts] You stay away from her, or I'll do things to you that'll hurt! Stand down, Peter.
Val's with us.
Oh, good, 'cause I was not gonna win that fight.
You won't believe this, but I just fought two more - of those fake Nova Prime robots! - Darkhawks.
Uh, no, they were pretty silver.
At least the one who crushed my Element Blasters was.
Oh, and he stole the other one! And my tape player! Or did I leave that in my bunk? We'll look for it later.
Rocket, you can call off the search.
We found Quill.
Uh, Gammy? You sure about that? - It's a Darkhawk! - Darkhawk! [together] Wait! I'm not a Darkhawk! You're a Darkhawk! Oy.
Like one Quill wasn't bad enough.
Oh, come on, guys.
I don't look anything like that.
Is that a chin? It looks like a small shovel is coming out of your face.
Oh, ha-ha, Robo-Quill.
You know what only the real Quill would have? An Element Blaster! Nice try, fake-y.
You may look like me, but it's all just skin-deep.
Name the band with the number one hit single in 1986.
None of us know that.
Name the first song we danced to.
Ha! "I'd Make it You," by Kirby Krackle.
Oh, that doesn't count.
It's the first song I slow dance to with every gir I mean, anyone could know that.
[Valkyrie] Including the imposter.
Each Darkhawk can only copy one person, but the copy's perfect.
They even duplicate their victim's memories.
You couldn't have mentioned that before I admitted to dancing with Quill? Had to find out how dangerous you really were.
Anyway, the obvious solution is we take them both down.
- Not gonna happen.
- So, you are sweet on the Terran.
No, I'm stopping you from violating your own orders.
Thor told you to bring the Guardians, remember? Yeah, but he didn't say how many.
And I won't open the Bifrost to a Darkhawk.
Cosmo will find the traitor.
He has an excellent sense of smell.
Or he could use oh, I don't know - his psychic powers? - The choice is up to him.
[Rocket] So, what do you think all these crates are for? - [Drax] Storing things.
- Ehh! What I meant was, when did the pooch become such a pack rat? Doesn't matter.
What matters is [Cosmo] Finding which Quill is fake, da? And Cosmo will be happy to help.
Wait a minute.
How come I ain't hearing you in my mind? You are correct, Rocket.
I am hearing Cosmo's voice in my ears! That's 'cause it ain't Cosmo's voice.
He's a krutackin' fake! Bad dog! Stupid rodent should learn to be keeping muzzle shut.
[growling] Cosmo will be happy to quiet you.
- Back off, fake Cosmo-bot! - Sit! Heel! Hey! Darkhawks not take orders from fleshlings.
Order this! [grunts] [grunting] Aw, flarg.
- J'Que? - Da.
All crates hold Knowhere citizens.
[grunts] We replace key individuals in strategic locations, then send originals back to Darkhawk realm through Continuum Cortex.
Soon entire galaxy will be ruled by Darkhawks and never even know it.
[grunts] [grunts] Drax will not allow that to happen, nor will he allow you to capture a former employer who still owes him units! Ignore Guardians.
They are unimportant.
[together] Who you calling unimportant? Okay, as Spartax prince, Peter Quill is somewhat important.
But if Darkhawk copies Valkyrie, Darkhawks will gain access to Asgard.
Now, fetch! [grunts] You'll never reach Asgard.
- Not on my watch.
- Make that "our" watch.
[grunts] [grunts] Drax will watch as well.
[grunts] [grunts] [Guardians grunt] I am Groot.
Why would I worry about the crates? I don't got friends on Knowhere.
- I am Groot.
- So find a new fertilizer vendor! [grunts] [together] Guys, you okay? Since when do you care, fake Quill? Just so you know, helping us would go a long way to proving which of you is real.
I know, but I can't fight a robot with my bare hands.
Right, other me? Other me? Little busy right now, Human.
[Guardians grunting] Ha! I knew you were the fake! Well, of course you knew, numbskull.
- You're the original.
- Wha Aahh! Guardians will please to stay out of way while Darkhawks copy Valkyrie, da? Quill! I know, right? [yells] Ugh.
Okay, look, I've got a plan.
- I just need you to trust me.
- But we don't trust you.
- Rocket, I'm the real Quill.
- Exactly.
Really? We're gonna do this now?! [grumbles] Always.
Never gets old.
[computer trilling] Wait! If you let Val go, the Prince of Spartax will surrender.
How very reasonable, Peter Quill.
Please to finish copying Valkyrie.
Darkhawk Cosmo have this.
Aah! Psych! [grunts] You know what's a bummer about being a robot? The whole made-of-metal part.
[cries out] Don't move a servo.
Maybe your boyfriend's not useless after all.
I wouldn't know.
I don't have one.
Magnets.
Seriously? - [Rocket] Lousy plan, Quill! - Wait.
What? This is why we don't trust the real you.
[growls] [Quill] See, now, that's low.
What'd I ever do? Not much.
That's the problem.
Seriously? You too? [grunting] Fine! I'll show you "not much.
" Time to send you Darkhawks back where you [blows landing] [Gamora grunting, laughing] Gamora, please, stop smiling while you're beating up fake me.
It's just really creeping me out.
[yells, grunts] [yells] [Drax grunts] These trash cans are really starting to get on my nerves! Huh? [grunts] [yells] I am Groot! [yells] What? Some of my best friends are trash cans.
Huh? I am Groot! [yells] [thud] [grunts] I will say, it's a lot easier to tell you two a part.
[yells, grunts] You're right.
Let's fix that.
[yells] [grunts] [Quills grunting] Quill! [Quills together] No fair! You ripped your clothes off! I didn't rip my clothes off.
You did.
You've gotta be kidding.
Gamora, you have to get the fake through the Cortex.
- Yeah.
Him.
- No.
Him! [Quills grunting] [blows landing] Ughh! Come on, Gamora.
You know the real me.
[grunting] Which is me! Quick, what color are my eyes? - Uh - Yellow! Exactly.
[grunts] [both grunt] But they are yellow! Quill, close it, now! [grunts] [descending whirring] But [stammers] he was right about your eyes.
- So, why'd you pick me? - Because there's no way the real you would remember something like that.
[yells] [grunts] Pathetic fleshlings will not be stopping Darkhawk army.
Darkhawks are destined to rule all galaxy.
Thank you.
Anything to help the Second Most Dangerous Woman in the Galaxy.
[Rocket] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get it.
You're both dangerous.
Now, can we move it? Asgard awaits.
[weakly] I am Groot.
Heimdall, the Bifrost! [Quill] Not until I get all my stuff back.
[Guardians yell] Valkyrie, you arrive with our guests at last! We must make haste.
Prince Thor awaits the heroic Guardians of the Galaxy.
- And you, Peter Quill.
- Thanks, Heimdall.
Wait.
What do you mean, "And you, Peter Quill"? He just means you're one of a kind, Peter thankfully.
[angry groan]