Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Mite Tyson

Ah! These azaleas
are coming along beautifully.
-How's my pot?
-You planted marijuana
in my garden?
Well, uh,
medical marijuana, yes.
Oh, oh.
For your "glaucoma."
As a matter of fact, yes,
I have a lot of glaucoma.
Hey, we got another mystery.
Come on,
let's see what it says.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's Michael?
What the hell are you doing?
Takin' a oatmeal bath, man.
I'm having some
kind of allergic reaction.
I'm itching all over.
Michael, I don't think
you're supposed to cook
the oatmeal.
Well, what are you
allergic to?
Did you have
something weird for breakfast?
No, I had the same breakfast
I had for the last 10 years.
A couple blueberries,
some Greek yogurt
and a roasted goat.
Wait. I thought
you were a vegetarian!
Greek yogurt
is vegetarian, Marquess.
Guys, what about the mystery?
Forget that mystery, Yung.
I got my own mystery to solve.
What are these bites
all over my body?
Oh, man, I'm dying.
Jesus Christ.
Dad, you need to see a doctor.
We'll take you.
-PIGEON: Not me.
Ah, I like when I have
the house to myself.
What do you when we're gone?
You know what?
No, don't answer that.
-I jack off!
-Oh, God
I literally said,
"Don't answer that."
PIGEON: Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey,
is oatmeal vegetarian?
They look like mite bites.
What are mite bites?
You should ask
Evander Holyfield that.
He's very familiar
with Mike bites.
No, not Mike bites.
Mite bites.
Mites, they are tiny insects
that live on other animals
like rats.
Do you have any rats?
What do you think?
You think I'm dirty?
I live in a dirty house?
You better watch it, Doc,
or you're gonna get
some Mike bites.
Do you have any pets?
No. Oh, wait.
I have a pet bear.
-We do?
I haven't seen him in a while,
maybe he's hibernating.
Any birds in the house?
Mites are commonly
found on birds.
Nope. No birds in my house.
Dad, what about Pigeon?
-Who's Pigeon.
-Oh, oh.
He's a bird that lives
in the house with me.
His bedroom is next
to my bedroom.
We're always together.
We share the same brush.
In my opinion, that's
what's causing your bites.
So, what do I do?
If I were you, I'd remove
the pigeon from your home.
Oh, man. Poor Pigeon.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
Do you think I'd be
a candidate for fillers?
I just feel like I look
tired all the time.
Hmm. You know what?
I'll schedule an appointment.
Oh, man. How am I gonna tell
Pigeon he's gotta move out?
All right, all right.
Maybe I could
just tell him a lie?
I could tell him
my sick Grandma
must come to live with me,
and she's scared
of pigeons because, um
Because of that time
when she was attacked
by a pigeon in World War II.
-That's good.
Yeah, that's what I'll say.
Michael, we've talked
about this kind of thing.
When you lie
you're saying that
your feelings don't matter,
but they do matter.
And you have to trust that
even if Pigeon is disappointed
in the moment,
the truth won't
threaten your friendship.
-You can do it.
Um, hey, Pigeon
Uh, I'm afraid
you can't live here anymore.
What? Is this a joke?
Is this because of the pot?
It's basically legal now.
No, it's not the pot.
Is it about the video
camera I hooked up
in Yung Hee's bathroom?
No, it's not that.
Is it because I put a roofie
in her soda last night?
-Calm down,
you didn't even drink it.
I wasted a perfectly
good roofie.
Is it because I tried to take
all those up-skirt pictures
of Yung Hee?
-Right now.
I'm not even
wearing a skirt, you idiot.
Well, when you do,
I'll be ready.
No, it's not that either.
Well, then what is it?
Just be honest.
He'll understand.
The reason you can't live here
anymore is because
you're a disgusting,
filthy creature
with mites all over you
and they're biting me,
and I can't take it anymore.
You're kicking me out
of your house
because of yourbites?
You were theheavyweight
champion of the world,
and now you can't stand
a little itching?
You can't put some
calamine lotion on there?
Wellyou. Heh!
I'm gonna go find
a better place to live
without aghost.
-With ahot Asian.
I thought you people
were my friends.
I hope you all die!
Okay. Well, that went well.
Well, it's been a long day,
we should all just go to bed.
MIKE: I guess
if there's a silver lining,
it's that tomorrow
I'm gonna wake
up with no bites.
And at least I can go to sleep
tonight and not have to worry
about getting molested.
Well, I'm still here.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my goodness,
that's such a poor
attempt at humor.
Oh, my
See you all in the morning.
Hmm. It's probably going
to be awkward in the morning
because of that joke
I just made.
Why do you try
to be funny, hmm?
You have diarrhea
of the mouth.
This is why you don't
have any friends.
I'll be playing that scene
over and over all night.
I won't be able
to get any sleep.
I'm gonna wake up
looking like hell.
Oh, I got to call
that dermatologist.
Well, I'm still here.
What were you thinking?
Well, this sucks.
Ooh, I'm probably gonna
freeze to death out here.
Didn't even charge my phone
before I left.
God, I forgot my wallet.
What's this?
Huh, my last roofie.
Ah, well,
may as well pass out.
Maybe I'll get date raped.
Meh, better than
sitting on this bus bench.
YUNG: What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on.
I woke up
and there's more bites.
So, it wasn't Pigeon?
Dr. Friedman,
what the hell, man?
I kicked out the pigeon
and I'm still getting bit.
What do you mean
you might have been wrong?
It could have been
an allergic reaction
to my detergent?
To my soap?
Where did you go to school at?
The university of
I don't know shit?
Man, you made me
kick out my friend, man.
I hope you die.
Come on, we got to go
find that pigeon.
Oh. Uh
How many times
do I have to apologize?
I was kidding!
-It was a joke.
-And I don't tell good jokes.
PIGEON: What the?
Huh. Where the hell am I?
PIGEON: Oh, Jesus.
Uh, excuse me,
animal cruelty people, yeah.
Uh, Diazepam.
Well, that sounds fun.
Man, no Pigeon.
And we went to every strip
club in Las Vegas.
Yeah, I don't know why we had
to stay so long at each one.
I miss Pigeon so much.
I'd give anything just
to see him one more time.
-Oh, my God.
Don't you people knock?
Pigeon, you're home!
Yeah, I'll be out
of here soon.
I just came home
to get some stuff.
Then why are you masturbating
on my computer?
Well, my phone is charging,
what am I supposed to do?
No, Pigeon, you can stay.
Turns out you're not
the cause of my bites.
And even if you were,
I wouldn't want you to leave.
Barry, I missed you.
I promise from now on
I'll take better care of you.
Oh, man, that reminds me,
I forgot to feed
my pet mosquitoes.
You keep mosquitoes
in your bedroom?
The sound helps me sleep.
Dad, these mosquitoes
are biting you.
You're gonna have
to get rid of 'em.
Okay. Can you give me
a moment, please?
Okay, mosquitoes,
here's the thing.
My sick grandmother is coming
to town from World War II
and she's allergic
to mosquitoes.
Okay. Well, baby steps.
At least
we solved the mystery.
Oh, no. We forgot
about this mystery.
I hope it wasn't
time sensitive.
"Dear Mike Tyson,
"this is extremely
time sensitive.
"I have discovered
an armed nuclear device
"hidden inside
the Hoover Dam."
Goodbye, mosquitoes,
I'm really sorry
it didn't work out.
Good luck out there,
in that cold, cruel world.
-Dr. Friedman,
what the hell, man?
I hope you die!
I really miss my cats.
I had a cat named Kenya.
I had her for a long time,
probably 12 years
and then eventually, um,
she bit someone's hands off.
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