Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

A River Runs Through It Into a Heart of Darkness

Okay, everybody,
we have a new mystery.
What the hell is this?
-MARQUESS: Is that Chinese?
-Is it, Yung?
-Why would I know?
-Because you're Korean.
MIKE: Which is
a kind of Chinese.
Oh, Yung,
sometimes I wonder
if homeschooling you
was a big mistake.
Yeah, I've told you it was.
"My name is Wang Jing
"and I want you to
come to Nicaragua
and help me construct
"the largest canal
in the world."
You speak Chinese?
There's a bunch of stuff
you guys don't know about me.
Do you even know my name?
PIGEON: Richard.
Richard sounds like pigeon.
PIGEON: Oh, man,
what's the point?
Dad, I've heard about this
Nicaragua canal thing.
It's crazy!
It would be three times
as long as the Panama Canal.
And from what I understand,
building it
would be catastrophic
for the environment,
and financially,
it makes no sense.
Where did you hear about that?
It wasn't on my curriculum.
Marquess got me a subscription
to The Economist.
Uh, well, I
I also got you a subscription
to Marie Claire,
and I'd like to see
you pick it up
once in a while.
They have great hair
and makeup tips.
I mean, you
You've got the inner
beauty thing down,
but let's not forget
what's going on out front.
Dad, you seriously shouldn't
get involved with this.
I have to, honey.
Dad, what are you
You see,
the Nicaraguan canal
has a dream,
to defeat the Panama Canal
and be the heavyweight
champion of canals.
I achieved that dream.
Now it's time for me
to give back
and help somebody else
achieve that dream.
Right, Marquess?
See, I think that would
look good on you.
Get some layers going,
so it's not so much like
you You just gave up.
MIKE: Come on, gang.
To the Mystery Airline.
You bought a plane?
Don't be stupid,
I can't afford a plane.
But I got a shitload
of miles on Delta.
MIKE: Okay,
let's find Wang Jing
and help him build
the largest canal
in the world.
Then we need to be
in Nicaragua.
Yeah. 'Cause the note
was in Chinese,
but the canal
is in Nicaragua.
Well, in that case,
back to the Mystery Airline.
But it won't be Delta,
because I used up all
my miles on Delta.
Yung Hee, I'll give you
an extra minute to say
goodbye to your homeland.
PIGEON: Well, what fun!
To be on a plane that long.
Welcome to Nicaragua,
my friends.
-Wang Jing?
Wang Jing indeed,
at your service.
Although, in truth, I hope
you will be at mine. (LAUGHS)
As you can see from the model,
we have much work to do.
Hey, that's a good model.
It looks like a toy train
model, just with no train.
Yes, it is a good model.
I wish it was as easy
to build the real thing
as it was the model.
Jesus Christ! What's this guy
keep laughing about?
But in the model
there are no indigenous
people trying to stop us!
The indigenous people
don't wanna have the biggest
canal in the world?
Ah, but they are too primitive
to understand
that the canal will help them.
GDP will rise
and with it the ability
to feed, clothe
and educate the poor.
-No way he followed
any of that.
WANG: Which is where
you come in.
Oh, you got
a little doll of me.
I want you to travel upriver.
MIKE: Put him in the boat.
Deep into the heart
of darkness
or "jungle,"
and make them understand.
That's a good use
of my skillset.
Ah, excuse me,
but what if doesn't help 'em?
And, because of
global warming,
ships will soon be able to
pass through the Arctic Circle
which will make
all of this pointless.
Of course, you'll be rich
either way,
'cause your company will own
most of Nicaragua.
Hmm. You are obviously
a well-educated young lady.
I homeschooled that shit!
But I'm afraid you don't
know everything.
Everybody always wants to
blame the teacher.
Sometimes it's the student.
I'm sorry, but you cannot make
a souffle out of garbage.
Um, I don't speak Chinese.
It's nothing to
brag about, Yung.
I think what he's saying is
Dad, why do you keep
Maybe no ships will use it,
maybe it will destroy
the environment
and bankrupt the country.
And they could take away
the expensive cars,
and the houses,
and the pretty girls,
but they can never
take away your title.
Well, um, technically,
a title can be taken away
for a multitude of reasons.
Okay, that's true.
Good point, Marquess.
Point for you.
But you get a point taken away
for being a dick.
So, back to zero.
-Okay, we'll do it, Wang Jing.
Those indigenous people
may not like the idea
of the canal now
-They may not like the idea
of the canal now, but what?
-But what, what?
-What are you talking about?
It's this language barrier.
Yung, tell Wang to take us
to the indigenous people.
Will you take us
to the indigenous people?
Of course.
What did he say?
He said, "Of course."
I think this guy needs
to be homeschooled.
Tell him I said that.
No, no, no. I'm just joking.
Don't tell him I said that.
Damn! Not far from here is
where I first met Sandra.
If only I'd known then that
one day I would betray her
and then in her hurt and anger
she would turn me
into a pigeon.
Because unbeknownst to me,
she secretly
practiced witchcraft.
You know, I probably never
would have come down
here in the first place.
Did you use to live in Mexico?
We're in Nicaragua.
Which is a kind of Mexico.
And Marquess,
if you don't mind,
I'm talking to Pigeon.
I mean, Richard, I'm sorry.
You know, man,
I gotta get used to this.
He doesn't look like
a Richard, right?
He looks like a pigeon, right?
-He looks like a pigeon,
don't you think?
What is it,
the indigenous people?
I don't know. But
I'm sorry, but
But can you just say savages?
I am from a time when
people said things like that.
It was cruel,
but it was faster.
You know, like,
"What is it, the savages?"
See how fast that is.
Everyone down.
-Okay, we're here. Get out!
-What? No!
He said we're here.
Come on, guys.
-MARQUESS: Michael!
WANG: Good luck
with the savages, Mike.
I mean, indigenous people.
-Goodbye, Wang.
MIKE: It's gonna
raise your GDP.
And you guys are gonna be at
the forefront of global trade.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, the canal's
gonna be the best thing that
ever happened to Mexico.
You know what I'm saying?
No, they don't know
what you're saying.
They don't speak English.
No. It's because I don't have
this table to stand on.
-If you're gonna do a speech,
you gotta
-I speak English.
Sergio? Sergio Sanchez?
Richard, is that you?
Why are you a pigeon?
Ah, Sandra got mad at me.
You two know each other?
He's Sandra's dad.
He was a successful dentist
in Managua,
but he lost his license
because he wouldn't wear
a shirt in the office.
Guess these characters
don't mind.
SERGIO: This pigeon
is my son-in-law.
He's my
Sandra and I got divorced.
What? When?
Pretty much right after
she turned me into a pigeon.
Hmm. Well,
you two will work it out.
It's meant to be.
It's written here in stone.
PIGEON: Oh, my God,
that's Sandra.
-And some sort of bird.
-MARQUESS: That's you.
PIGEON: Oh, yeah.
MIKE: Hey, man,
what's this part?
That is the end of the world.
Oh, (BLEEP).
When is that gonna happen?
The second they begin
digging that canal.
You see, the canal
will be like a zipper.
And out from it will flop
the world's penis.
Or the
And the moon will mount it
and that's how you get
the end of the world.
Why are you acting like
you never heard that, Yung?
That was in the curriculum.
Hey, is it okay
that I use this table?
-No, that's their
sacred altar.
All I wanted to do was help
the Nicaraguan canal
become the heavyweight
champion of canals.
But that was Wait!
-What's your name again?
-It's Richard.
Man, I'm telling you,
you should change
your name to Pigeon.
But that was before
we saw all this ancient
Mayan pornography.
Now all of us have to
work together
to stop Wang Jing before he
causes the end of the world.
See, Marquess,
these guys were into it and
they don't even speak English.
-It's the table, man.
-Oh, my God!
Soon, I will control Nicaragua
and then the world.
-Huh, what?
I said soon I will control
Nicaragua and then the world.
You know, as a joke.
It's a weird joke.
Damn! Instead of the savage
converting the savages,
the savages must have
converted the savage.
The hell with it!
Commence digging.
Dig, dig, dig, dig.
You didn't tell me you were
gonna take out the world's
What are you talking about?
Don't hide behind
that language barrier.
That canal's gonna be
the end of the world.
Ah, that's superstitious
What, did you
never go to school?
(GASPS) I went to homeschool.
-And I was the teacher.
-MARQUESS: Michael, stop it!
-And class is in session.
-MARQUESS: Michael! Oh!
-And that class is called
(BLEEP) you!
-PIGEON: Whoa!
-What is that?
-MARQUESS: What's happening?
What is happening?
The earth has a penis!
We're gonna die!
MIKE: Run, moon, run!
MARQUESS: The moon
can't run, Michael.
Yep, been there.
See, now you'll listen to what
I have to say, won't you?
You're gonna listen
now, right?
Because I'm bigger
than you now, right?
And I can kick
you in your face, right?
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