Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

House Haunters

Bon appetit!
What is it?
It's a four cheese frittata!
Oh, yeah?
What are the four cheeses?
Cheddar, Swiss and Burrata.
That's three cheeses.
Why are you calling it
a four cheese frittata?
Okay, it's an expression.
It's not an expression.
It means,
you didn't follow the recipe.
Probably why it tastes
like (BLEEP).
Am I right? Ah?
I will never high five you.
Yes, thank you
for not high fiving that.
Good morning, everybody!
Okay, everybody,
we have a new mystery.
Ooh, girl, is that
a four cheese frittata?
Michael, that's a hot skillet.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"my husband Gary
just got a new job
"so we're gonna have
to relocate from
San Jose, California
"to Phoenix, Arizona
and we need your help
in finding a new home.
"Our budget is $650,000.
"Gary really wants a man cave
and I love to entertain,
"so I'm looking for a kitchen
overlooking the living room.
"Also, we have
a seven-month-old
labradoodle named Jasper.
"So we need a yard big enough
for him to frolic.
"Please help.
Sincerely, Caitlyn."
Is this a joke?
What are you taking about?
How is this a mystery?
Uh-uh! Not everything
has to be goblins and ghouls
and phantasms.
Choosing a house involves
a bit of a mystery.
What makes one gravitate
toward a Craftsman home
while another might prefer
a Spanish style.
Personally, I don't see
the charm in either,
I'm more of a Tudor man.
Oh, you're a Tudor man, huh?
I always figured you're more
of a two balls and a dick man.
(LAUGHING) Am I right?
Now, let's go help Caitlyn,
Gary and Jasper find a house.
Well, maybe we'll have
an early lunch.
Hi, Mike, I'm Neil,
Caitlyn and Gary's realtor.
Hi, nice to meet you,
I'm Mike.
-Hi, Neil Mathers.
-Oh, that's Marquess.
Hi, Neil. Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Marquess, Gary Fewkes.
-Hi, Gary.
-Hi, Mike.
This is my wife, Caitlyn.
-Hi, Caitlyn.
-Hi, I'm Caitlyn.
Oh, that's Yung Hee.
-Hi, Yung Hee.
-Am I pronounce Yung Hee?
-I'm Gary.
-Did you meet Neil?
-This is Neil.
-Oh! Uh, yeah, hi. Hi. Hi.
-That's our realtor, Neil.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Yung Hee.
Good to meet you.
Good to meet you, Yung.
My God!
Why does any of this matter?
We're never going to see
each other after today.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is Pigeon.
Hi, Pigeon, Gary.
This is Caitlyn.
-Hi, I'm Caitlyn.
-Ooh, I forgot
about our dog, Jasper.
-Hi, Jasper, I am Mike Tyson.
-He's a labradoodle.
Jesus Christ!
-Wow, it's so big.
-NEIL: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
-GARY: Wow.
-Oh, my gosh!
NEIL: It is 3,000 square feet
and Caitlyn,
it has the open floor plan
you were looking for.
And you know what
I'm going to ask.
Is this within
Caitlyn and Gary's budget?
Well, it's a little over,
but it has four bedrooms,
one of which could
easily be converted into
a man cave for you, Gary.
(CHUCKLES) I like that.
(GASPS) Oh, look at
all these windows.
I love all this natural light.
It's like I've died
and gone to heaven.
Hey, you've died all right,
but sadly for us
you're not in heaven.
Neil, I'm noticing
a lot of stairs,
how is that going
to work out for Jasper?
Ooh, that'll be
an adjustment for him.
We didn't have stairs
in San Jose.
They don't have stairs
in San Jose?
Okay, let me show you
how they work.
It's very easy.
You go right foot
and left foot,
or left foot and right foot.
It doesn't matter what foot,
that's what makes it so easy.
And say hello
to your master bedroom
with en suite.
Get in here, Caitlyn!
Run, don't walk!
I could live in this closet.
Well, you sure
can't seem to live out
of the closet, huh?
(LAUGHING) Am I right?
I don't get it,
but you're on fire today,
This open floor plan is
exactly what I'm looking for.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
And the yard
will be perfect for Jasper
but, I gotta say,
I'm a little worried about
going over our budget.
-Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
I do think this is a great
home for entertainment,
but those stairs
and the high price tag, man,
they have me very concerned.
I think Neil needs to show us
more properties.
I don't think we need to see
any more homes.
Mystery solved,
this is the house.
Huh. Well,
Caitlyn has pretty good tits.
NEIL: Now,
this is a model home,
but it will give you
a pretty good idea
of houses in this development.
It's a little smaller
than the last house
but at $680,000,
it is right in your budget.
MARQUESS: Okay, I hate it.
Sorry, let's see inside.
-I hate it!
-Slow down, Marquess.
I'm sorry,
what's your name again?
-Neil, where's
the bathroom at?
There's a half bath
right over there
and there are two
full bathrooms
off of the bedrooms.
It just feels a little small.
Yeah, and this location's
a lot further from my new job.
-Not sure how I feel
about a commute.
I think, what Gary
and Caitlyn are learning
is that for this price point,
they're gonna have
to make some sacrifices.
I don't even understand
why you're interviewing me.
I don't care what (BLEEP)
house they get.
This isn't a mystery.
-Let's go!
Okay, I don't think
you should get this house
for two reasons.
That half bath
has no shower in it.
And also, something is wrong
with the plumbing
because the toilet
doesn't flush.
This is a model home,
there is no plumbing.
Well, I just had
four cheese diarrhea,
so we should probably
see another property, Neil.
-Come on, Jasper.
this is beautiful!
NEIL: Uh-huh.
GARY: So much character.
NEIL: Uh-huh.
Well, it's one
of the oldest homes
in Phoenix.
It's five bedrooms,
three and a half baths
and, it's close to your work.
I don't even want to ask
how much it costs.
That's the best part.
It's way below budget.
(BLEEP) Yeah, Neil.
Let's take a look
at the inside.
It's been completely updated.
This is a complete
waste of time.
They're never going to do
better than that first home.
How on earth is this
under our budget?
You know, I have no idea,
it's been on the market
for months,
it's an incredible buy.
Now I want to know
about the school district.
Oh, well, uh, this is one
of the best in Phoenix.
The middle school
is actually
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say,
"I want to know
about the school district?"
I meant to say,
"I don't give a (BLEEP)
about the school district."
I'll be in the car.
-Oh, dear God!
I'll lock the doors
so he can't get in.
No, not him, her!
-You don't see her?
Open the door,
it's 1000 degrees out here.
(GASPS) She must be a ghost.
This place is haunted.
I have to warn them.
YUNG: Yeah!
Finally a mystery.
How am I supposed
to turn on the AC
without the car keys,
you dumb bitch?
Evil lives here!
What are you seeing?
(SOBBING) I can't! I can't!
It's too horrible.
I have to warn them.
-Oh, I could definitely
see this as my man cave.
-Couldn't you?
-I'm not going to be
allowed in here. (LAUGHING)
She won't.
You won't let her in,
Stop! We have to leave.
This is a house of horrors.
Nice try, Marquess,
they're not gonna get
that first house
just because you want it.
It's out of their price range.
I think
you should listen to him.
And I think you should
listen to me
and I say, buy this house.
-BOTH: We'll take it.
I'm reading this cartoon here
and, uh,
there's a big elephant
and it says
"the deficit" on it
and it's sitting on a mouse
and the mouse says
"Home crisis housing."
I don't understand
this cartoon.
I like Marmaduke.
-Who are you even talking to?
Who are you even talking to?
Uh, just the The room.
Yeah, well,
the room's not listening.
I was holding court.
I don't get it,
we can see you,
how come we couldn't see
those other ghosts?
Oh, they were specters!
One was a wraith.
As a stage-four phantasm,
I have corporeal form,
but can still perceive
That couple was murdered!
Oh, my God! (GASPS)
"Gary and Caitlyn
were found butchered
"in their recently
purchased home."
Blah, blah, blah
Dog, Jasper,
also butchered. Jesus.
No one listens to me.
I said evil
lived in that home.
I'll tell you
where evil lives.
And why do I keep eating
these four cheese frittatas?
Oh, this is some bullshit
right here, man. What?
"Three bedrooms, 2.7 million,"
give me a break!
Come on, man,
this is just really rude.
Oh, what company is this?
This is
Man, this is ridiculous, man.
Can I say
Can I say the company's name?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode