Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e09 Episode Script

Night Moves

Rise and shine and give
God the glory, glory
Rise and shine and give
God the glory, glory
Rise and shine and give
God the glory, glory
Children of the Lord
The animal, they came in
in twosies, in twosies,
in twosies,
The animal, they came in
in twosies, in twosies,
in twosies,
The animal,
the animal, the animal
They came in pairs
So Noah,
he built 'em, he built 'em,
a biggie oak-ey boat
So Noah,
he built 'em, he built 'em,
a big oak-ey boat
He made it out of
a board of sturdy oak
Get those animals
out of the muddy, muddy
Get those animals
out of the muddy, muddy
Please, oh, Jesus,
help me with the animals
The Lord said to Noah
There's gonna be
a floody, floody ♪
What the (BLEEP)!
You piece of shit!
Michael, I made your favorite.
Maple Brioche French toast
with just a dollop
of creme fraiche .
You mean
Maple Brioche fat toast
with just a dollop
of creme fat.
Dad, what are you doing?
He's going crazy. I told you
this was going to happen.
He's gonna murder us all.
He's like that tiger
and we're Siegfried and Roy.
I knew it was
only a matter of time.
You can't just live
with a wild animal
and not expect it to one day
try and eat you.
I'm not going
to eat you, Pigeon.
I'm not gonna eat anything
else ever, ever again.
I'm going on a diet.
You hear me, Marquess?
No more French toast.
I blame this track suit.
It's the elastic waistband.
It tricks you.
I bet Yung is fat
as shit under there.
Okay, is anyone interested
in today's mystery?
Anything to keep my
mind off of how hungry I am.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery
Team, my name is Andrew."
ANDREW: And I can't seem
to ever get a second date
with a girl, ever.
I don't know what
the problem is.
I'll be at Nona's Pie House
on 24th Street at 12:00.
If you think you
can help me
Please, please help me.
Of course, we can help you.
Where's the rest of the team?
Where did Michael go?
Oh, there's no team,
it's just me.
I call it the "Mike Tyson
Mystery Team" because of
a copyright situation.
So, you were saying you can't
get a second date, huh?
Any ideas why?
Well, I do have one theory
Mmm-hmm. I'm listening.
I think there's
a very strong possibility,
that I'm a werewolf.
I keep waking up
in the morning,
covered in blood
with no memory
of the night before.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
So, what I think is happening
is that I'm eating
these women.
We're all outta pie.
Did you hear anything I said?
-Excuse me!
-Can I help you?
I think I'm gonna need
more pie.
What do you like better?
The key lime pie
or the chocolate pudding pie?
Or a Cherry Jubilee pie?
Well, they're,
they're all good.
Yeah, but if you had
to choose?
MAN: Uh, I like the key lime.
Really? More than
the Cherry Jubilee?
Well, I personally
don't like cherry.
MIKE: Yeah, but if you did
you'd probably pick
the Cherry Jubilee, right?
No brainer.
Oh, hold up. Snicker pie.
What the (BLEEP)
is a Snicker pie?
It's like a chocolate pie
made with a Snicker bar.
I gotta have a slice of that.
No, (BLEEP),
bring me the whole pie.
And bring me
some of the samples
of the other ones too.
I'm sorry.
We don't give samples.
Just whatever pie
you're gonna throw out
back there.
Give it to me and Andrew.
Do you believe that guy?
Who doesn't like cherries?
Michelle Wie(CHUCKLES)
Yes. Yes.
Hey, you should go as her
for Halloween. You're a
Where'd you go?
Oh, I went to go meet, Andrew.
Well, why didn't you
wait for us?
What is this
the Spanish Inquisition?
Here you go, Michael.
Heirloom tomatoes
on a bed of steamed kale.
Oh, no, thanks Marquess.
I'm too full.
What? When did you eat?
I mean I'm too,
I mean I'm too full
of good ideas.
As to how I'm gonna
solve this mystery.
I think Yung should go
on a date with Andrew
and see what's wrong with him.
I don't wanna go
on a date with him.
What if he's a weirdo?
Honey, I met with him.
There's nothing weird
about him.
I mean, he's dull as can be.
I barely remember
anything that he said.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Okay, I know you think
this is a waste of time,
but trust me, Yung,
image is important. Okay?
you're solving a mystery,
or looking for Mr. Right,
or in this case, maybe both.
Okay, you can say,
"Ugh" all you want
but I know fashion.
And I'm sorry,
but you're never gonna see
Oscar de la Renta
in a pink tracksuit,
down the runway.
You're just not.
There! What do you think?
And don't say you need
a walking stick
because you don't.
Ah, well, maybe you do.
Oh, yeah.
You needed the walking stick.
Oh, honey,
you look so beautiful.
Ugh! My God.
-She just
couldn't pull it off?
-Good Lord, you're a freak.
-Stop it.
Ah! Oh, my goodness.
She's been out all night.
I'm really starting
to get worried.
Are you eating butter?
The internet said,
"In order to be successful
at a diet,
"you have to allow yourself
a cheat day."
But this is your first day.
It's unsalted, Marquess.
Uh-huh-huh. Good date?
He tried to kill me.
He turned into a werewolf
and he tried to kill me.
-Andrew's a werewolf?
That doesn't sound
like Andrew.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
-How did you get that scratch
on your arm?
I don't know.
I don't remember, why?
If you get scratched
by a werewolf,
you become a werewolf.
-MIKE: Oh, shit.
It's not unsalted.
Man, it's impossible to stay
on a diet.
Did you find anything?
No, not yet.
Oh, hold on. Here's one.
"At a London dinner party,
"Winston Churchill
found himself seated
next to a Methodist bishop
"A pert young serving lady
appeared with a tray
of brandy glasses,
"offered one to Churchill,
who gladly took it,
"and then one to the bishop.
"The bishop, aghast
at the thought
of imbibing alcohol,
"snapped at her, 'Lassie.
"'I'd sooner commit adultery
than drink an intoxicant.'
"Whereupon, Churchill beckoned
the young maid,
"'Come back, my dear.
I didn't know
we had a choice.'"
That's a pretty good one.
What are you talking about?
You, you said to find
an anecdote.
You need to learn
to enunciate.
Okay. You need
to learn to listen. Move.
Antidote plus werewolf.
Uh, you don't
have to put the plus.
Guys, we don't even know
that I'm gonna become
a werewolf.
Shouldn't we be focusing
on finding Andrew?
Maybe he went back
to Nona's Pie House.
I'll go look.
Oh, Michael.
Marquess I told you,
it's a cheat day.
Okay, okay.
I know what we can do.
But you're not gonna like it.
Well, you're gonna have to
take off all your clothes.
Then, you'll let me take
a bunch of pictures of you.
Then, we put them
on the internet.
Put them on, uh, a pay site
though, you know?
And we really
play up the Asian angle.
I'm sorry.
How is that an antidote
to becoming a werewolf?
It's not. Come on,
it's just to lighten the mood.
-You guys getting so serious.
-MARQUESS: Oh, my goodness.
Oh, no. It's getting dark.
The moon will be out soon.
Marquess, what are
we gonna do?
Oh, my. (SIGHS)
I was hoping to find
something, but they all say
the same thing.
A silver bullet to the heart.
What? You're gonna shoot me?
We don't have a silver bullet.
I do.
I got a bunch.
Bob Seger sends them out
as Christmas presents
every year.
That's a lot of words
to get on a bullet.
You don't keep that in a safe?
That's where I keep
my Archie Comics.
I got the very first
Betty & Veronica
double digest in there.
Now give me that bullet,
Marquess, so I can shoot
Yung in the heart.
You're all insane!
That's the werewolf talking.
Hold still, Yee.
I'm trying to help you.
-YUNG: My name's not Yee!
-Put the gun down, Michael.
Say your prayers, werewolf.
-YUNG: Wait!
It's a full moon.
If I was gonna turn
into a werewolf
it would have happened by now.
Oh, thank goodness.
PIGEON: I guess it's going
to be a blessed 2003,
after all.
-What the
Yung, it's me. Andrew.
I came to tell you
that was the best date
of my life.
And even though
I'm a werewolf,
I hope you'll give me
the one thing
I've never had before
A second date.
Of course, I will.
Oh, I guess the other
antidote is true
Well, at least
that nightmare's over.
Now, who wants to go celebrate
at Nona's Pie house?
I'm going to grab
some salted butter
to tie us over in the car.
So, that's like murder, right?
Werewolf, my ass!
He's no damn werewolf!
He's a wolf that's weird.
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