Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s01e10 Episode Script
Ty-stunned
1
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Those were
the first points scored
by someone
other than Blankard
in the quarter.
And New York keeps
chipping away that lead.
Here's Ward on the
dribble drive.
(WHIRRING)
Dad, do you have
to do that right now?
Yes, ma'am.
instead of sitting around
rotting your brains out
watching TV all day.
What's this (BLEEP)?
YUNG: It's the WNBA.
Oh, my God!
Are you a lesbian?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
You're a lesbian
and you're afraid
to come out to me.
Is that why you
drinkin' and druggin',
because you have
so much shame?
This is all Pigeon's, not me.
Yung, I will love you
no matter who you
choose to lay with.
-(THUDDING)
-PIGEON: Ah!
Turn it off, turn it off!
What the hell is that?
Dad, shut it off!
(VACUUM POWERING DOWN)
You sucked up Pigeon again.
(COUGHING)
What the hell
is the matter with you?
Didn't you see me
passed out on the floor?
Oh, man.
Now I gotta vacuum again.
Mystery Team,
guess what I have in my hands?
PIGEON:
Your resignation letter.
No!
-Your suicide note.
-Hey, what!
What is wrong with you?
A drawing
of your penis to scale.
Oh, oh, okay.
Because it's small.
Okay, very clever. No!
It's a mystery.
Ooh, WNBA! Okay.
Well, oh, the mystery.
"Dear Mr. Tyson, please hurry,
"something terrible
has happened,"
signed Judith Ensler.
(GASPS)
Then there's just an address.
Oh, good.
That's near Cost-Lo.
And I'm gonna get some hummus.
Oh, man.
They got great hummus.
To the Mystery Mobile!
-PIGEON: So, I understand
you're a lesbian now, huh?
-(YUNG SCOFFS)
MIKE: Okay, ma'am, calm down.
Tell us what happened.
(CRYING)
It's my husband.
It's so horrible!
I can't, I can't.
(SOBBING)
There, there.
We've been in the mystery
business for a long time.
And it's never
as bad as it seems.
PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)!
They cut off his head!
Oh, my (BLEEP) God.
What is that?
Is that his dick?
They cut off his dick
and stuck it in his mouth!
What the (BLEEP)!
Where are his feet?
Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna
have to ask you something.
May I put my hummus
is your refrigerator, please?
MIKE:
Don't worry, Miss Ensler,
we're gonna
solve this mystery.
(WHISPERING)
Michael, this is
a matter for the police!
Marquess, the police have more
important things to deal with.
The man's penis
is sticking out
from his own mouth!
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
This is a crime scene!
We shouldn't be here.
Do you have any idea
who would have done this?
My husband is a psychiatrist.
He has a number
of very troubled patients.
You could search his laptop.
I think he had it with him
in the study.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Shit, it's my agent.
I gotta take this.
Marquess, go get his laptop.
No!
I am not going back in there.
-Pigeon?
-Oh, I see!
So this dead guy
can't handle looking
at another dead guy.
Well, that's just great!
Maybe I'll get lucky
and find his feet.
MIKE: What's up, Deezy?
No, man, I'm just chilin'.
I can talk.
What kind of
business opportunity?
PIGEON: Where
exactly in the study?
I don't know.
Maybe the desk?
-Look in the drawers.
-(DRAWER OPENING)
PIGEON:
Oh, for Christ's sakes!
What is this?
I can't understand you.
I hate talking on cellphones.
Why don't you
just come over here?
PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)!
They cut off his hands!
No, I'm not in my house.
Hold on,
I'm going to
put you on with the lady
who lives here
and she'll give
you the directions.
PIGEON: Ah! Found his feet.
It's Deezy. Tell him
how to get here, please.
PIGEON: Here you go.
I'll be having
nightmares about that
for the rest of my life.
Look, Deezy, I don't know
anything about ties.
You don't need to, man.
That's my job.
I'll hook you up
with the money-making
opportunities.
And I think
this is a good one.
I don't know, Deezy.
What do you think, Pigeon?
Tyson Ties.
Because the "Ty" in Tyson
sounds like "tie"?
Yeah, that's it.
You got it, Pigeon.
It's symbiotic.
Yeah.
Oh, I already had it.
Hey, didn't we already
do something like this?
No, you're thinking
of Mike Pad Thai-son
frozen Thai food.
Did we make money on that?
We did all right.
We did real good in the south.
Oh, oh, I got one.
Mike Ty-Sun Screen.
You're a day late, Pigeon.
We already did that one.
And it was a shitty idea.
We lost 14 million on it.
You better be careful, Mike.
This guy's gonna
water down your brand.
-Oh, you've got
a lot of opinions.
-Yeah, I do.
A lot of words come out
of such a small beak.
Yeah, well, you're an idiot.
You know what I'd like to do?
Deep fry your ass
and eat you for dinner.
Oh, you eat pigeon, do ya?
You know who else eats pigeon?
Filthy homeless people.
I once ate a parrot.
Oh, man.
My friend was so mad.
I didn't know!
Hey, Yung, Ghost,
what do you think?
You think this is a good deal?
Uh, we're kind of
in the middle of something.
Hey, Miss Ensler,
I know you're still grieving,
but I want
your honest opinion, okay.
Do you think I should have
a line of neckties?
-Michael!
-Richard loved ties.
They cut off his head!
(SOBBING)
Okay, let's do it!
Mike Tyson is
in the tie business.
Dad, look.
We found his calendar.
He had an appointment today
with a man
named Charles Scurb.
Hey, Miss Ensler, have you
ever heard of a Charles Scurb?
He keeps all his patient
files locked in his office.
Um, do you happen
to have the keys?
No, he always has them.
They're probably
in his pocket.
(GASPS)
Oh, dear God.
My fingers are
covered in hummus.
Pigeon, will you go get 'em?
Yeah, I think I'm done
going back in there.
-Do not look at me.
-Mmm-mmm.
Hey, Deezy, go in that room
and get Dr. Ensler's keys.
They're in his pocket.
Sure, Mike.
What, is he asleep
or something?
Yes. Yes, he is.
He's asleep.
-DEEZY: Oh, my Lord!
-(MRS. ENSLER SOBBING))
Why would people do this?
Who did this?
Hell, no!
-Hell, no!
-(CHUCKLES)
Oh, here it is. Charles Scurb.
Oh, my God!
It says he calls himself
Chainsaw Charlie.
So, still, no one
is calling the police.
I mean, there is
a savagely mutilated body
just sitting in that house
and no one has been notified.
"Patient has expressed
murderous tendencies
"and now threatening
to murder and decapitate
me and my wife.
"I have rejected a course
of electric shock therapy
"because my gut tells me
the patient is bluffing
"and is basically harmless."
Dr. Ensler, shouldn't
have trusted your gut.
Especially now that it's
sitting in your desk drawer.
Are you just going through
his patients' files?
No, no.
Just the sex addicts.
Tiffany Daniels.
Calls herself,
(BLEEP) Sucking Daniels.
(LAUGHING)
I'm kidding.
It doesn't say that.
I just gave her that.
But it does have
her home address.
What do you say
we swing by after?
Ooh! That's pretty close
to Cost-Lo too.
We could pick up
some more hummus,
and, man, this time
we'll get the big tub.
Damn, that's good hummus.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
It's Deezy.
What's up, fool?
What I gotta sign?
You sign it. I gave you
power of attorney.
PIGEON: Hmm.
Maybe I'm a sex addict.
You're definitely
a sex addict.
Hold up. Maybe Dr. Ensler
got a fax machine in here.
Hell, yeah.
He got one.
Damn, I don't know the number.
Hold up.
I'll call and ask Miss Ensler
and ask her
for the fax number.
Hold on.
Hey, Miss Ensler,
it's Mike Tyson.
You feeling any better?
Yeah, you just need
a little time, that's all.
Hey, do you know the number
for the fax machine
in Dr. Ensler's office?
I'm going to
conference you in with Deezy
and you tell him
the fax number, okay?
Hold on.
Okay, Deezy, you there?
Miss Ensler, you're
on the phone with Deezy.
-Hey.
-Hello. The number for
the fax is 555-0198.
Okay, got it.
Let me send it to you.
Thanks again, Miss Ensler.
Have a nice day, ma'am.
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-(GASPS)
I think there's someone
in the house.
Oh, God!
He's come back.
-Who's come back?
-Chainsaw Charlie?
Oh, my God!
He came back!
He's going to kill her!
Why didn't we call the Police?
Two thousand men!
-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
-He's right outside.
(FAX MACHINE RINGING
AND BEEPING)
Oh, whoops!
I'm gonna take Mrs. Ensler
home with me.
What?
Mike, did you get the fax?
-Yeah, now what do I do?
-You sign it and fax it back.
What is happening?
Chainsaw Charlie is taking
Miss Ensler to his house.
-What?
-Do you have
his address in that file?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's right here.
Shit! That's like one block
away from Cost-Lo.
Man, this is our lucky day.
Hold up. We gotta
wait for the confirmation.
(FAX MACHINE BEEPS)
Okay.
To the Mystery Mobile!
MARQUESS: So, we're still
not calling the police?
It's not even
a mystery anymore.
He's the killer.
I mean, honestly
(MRS. ENSLER SCREAMING)
Hey! Put that down,
you dumb (BLEEP) lunatic!
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
(GROANING)
What the hell was that?
It's the Mike Ty-Stun Gun.
It's the only one ever made.
We couldn't get any investors.
Deezy, Deezy, Deezy
Do we have a blanket or
something for this poor woman?
Okay.
I'm a sex addict.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) Those were
the first points scored
by someone
other than Blankard
in the quarter.
And New York keeps
chipping away that lead.
Here's Ward on the
dribble drive.
(WHIRRING)
Dad, do you have
to do that right now?
Yes, ma'am.
instead of sitting around
rotting your brains out
watching TV all day.
What's this (BLEEP)?
YUNG: It's the WNBA.
Oh, my God!
Are you a lesbian?
No, I'm not a lesbian.
You're a lesbian
and you're afraid
to come out to me.
Is that why you
drinkin' and druggin',
because you have
so much shame?
This is all Pigeon's, not me.
Yung, I will love you
no matter who you
choose to lay with.
-(THUDDING)
-PIGEON: Ah!
Turn it off, turn it off!
What the hell is that?
Dad, shut it off!
(VACUUM POWERING DOWN)
You sucked up Pigeon again.
(COUGHING)
What the hell
is the matter with you?
Didn't you see me
passed out on the floor?
Oh, man.
Now I gotta vacuum again.
Mystery Team,
guess what I have in my hands?
PIGEON:
Your resignation letter.
No!
-Your suicide note.
-Hey, what!
What is wrong with you?
A drawing
of your penis to scale.
Oh, oh, okay.
Because it's small.
Okay, very clever. No!
It's a mystery.
Ooh, WNBA! Okay.
Well, oh, the mystery.
"Dear Mr. Tyson, please hurry,
"something terrible
has happened,"
signed Judith Ensler.
(GASPS)
Then there's just an address.
Oh, good.
That's near Cost-Lo.
And I'm gonna get some hummus.
Oh, man.
They got great hummus.
To the Mystery Mobile!
-PIGEON: So, I understand
you're a lesbian now, huh?
-(YUNG SCOFFS)
MIKE: Okay, ma'am, calm down.
Tell us what happened.
(CRYING)
It's my husband.
It's so horrible!
I can't, I can't.
(SOBBING)
There, there.
We've been in the mystery
business for a long time.
And it's never
as bad as it seems.
PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)!
They cut off his head!
Oh, my (BLEEP) God.
What is that?
Is that his dick?
They cut off his dick
and stuck it in his mouth!
What the (BLEEP)!
Where are his feet?
Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna
have to ask you something.
May I put my hummus
is your refrigerator, please?
MIKE:
Don't worry, Miss Ensler,
we're gonna
solve this mystery.
(WHISPERING)
Michael, this is
a matter for the police!
Marquess, the police have more
important things to deal with.
The man's penis
is sticking out
from his own mouth!
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
This is a crime scene!
We shouldn't be here.
Do you have any idea
who would have done this?
My husband is a psychiatrist.
He has a number
of very troubled patients.
You could search his laptop.
I think he had it with him
in the study.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Shit, it's my agent.
I gotta take this.
Marquess, go get his laptop.
No!
I am not going back in there.
-Pigeon?
-Oh, I see!
So this dead guy
can't handle looking
at another dead guy.
Well, that's just great!
Maybe I'll get lucky
and find his feet.
MIKE: What's up, Deezy?
No, man, I'm just chilin'.
I can talk.
What kind of
business opportunity?
PIGEON: Where
exactly in the study?
I don't know.
Maybe the desk?
-Look in the drawers.
-(DRAWER OPENING)
PIGEON:
Oh, for Christ's sakes!
What is this?
I can't understand you.
I hate talking on cellphones.
Why don't you
just come over here?
PIGEON: Holy (BLEEP)!
They cut off his hands!
No, I'm not in my house.
Hold on,
I'm going to
put you on with the lady
who lives here
and she'll give
you the directions.
PIGEON: Ah! Found his feet.
It's Deezy. Tell him
how to get here, please.
PIGEON: Here you go.
I'll be having
nightmares about that
for the rest of my life.
Look, Deezy, I don't know
anything about ties.
You don't need to, man.
That's my job.
I'll hook you up
with the money-making
opportunities.
And I think
this is a good one.
I don't know, Deezy.
What do you think, Pigeon?
Tyson Ties.
Because the "Ty" in Tyson
sounds like "tie"?
Yeah, that's it.
You got it, Pigeon.
It's symbiotic.
Yeah.
Oh, I already had it.
Hey, didn't we already
do something like this?
No, you're thinking
of Mike Pad Thai-son
frozen Thai food.
Did we make money on that?
We did all right.
We did real good in the south.
Oh, oh, I got one.
Mike Ty-Sun Screen.
You're a day late, Pigeon.
We already did that one.
And it was a shitty idea.
We lost 14 million on it.
You better be careful, Mike.
This guy's gonna
water down your brand.
-Oh, you've got
a lot of opinions.
-Yeah, I do.
A lot of words come out
of such a small beak.
Yeah, well, you're an idiot.
You know what I'd like to do?
Deep fry your ass
and eat you for dinner.
Oh, you eat pigeon, do ya?
You know who else eats pigeon?
Filthy homeless people.
I once ate a parrot.
Oh, man.
My friend was so mad.
I didn't know!
Hey, Yung, Ghost,
what do you think?
You think this is a good deal?
Uh, we're kind of
in the middle of something.
Hey, Miss Ensler,
I know you're still grieving,
but I want
your honest opinion, okay.
Do you think I should have
a line of neckties?
-Michael!
-Richard loved ties.
They cut off his head!
(SOBBING)
Okay, let's do it!
Mike Tyson is
in the tie business.
Dad, look.
We found his calendar.
He had an appointment today
with a man
named Charles Scurb.
Hey, Miss Ensler, have you
ever heard of a Charles Scurb?
He keeps all his patient
files locked in his office.
Um, do you happen
to have the keys?
No, he always has them.
They're probably
in his pocket.
(GASPS)
Oh, dear God.
My fingers are
covered in hummus.
Pigeon, will you go get 'em?
Yeah, I think I'm done
going back in there.
-Do not look at me.
-Mmm-mmm.
Hey, Deezy, go in that room
and get Dr. Ensler's keys.
They're in his pocket.
Sure, Mike.
What, is he asleep
or something?
Yes. Yes, he is.
He's asleep.
-DEEZY: Oh, my Lord!
-(MRS. ENSLER SOBBING))
Why would people do this?
Who did this?
Hell, no!
-Hell, no!
-(CHUCKLES)
Oh, here it is. Charles Scurb.
Oh, my God!
It says he calls himself
Chainsaw Charlie.
So, still, no one
is calling the police.
I mean, there is
a savagely mutilated body
just sitting in that house
and no one has been notified.
"Patient has expressed
murderous tendencies
"and now threatening
to murder and decapitate
me and my wife.
"I have rejected a course
of electric shock therapy
"because my gut tells me
the patient is bluffing
"and is basically harmless."
Dr. Ensler, shouldn't
have trusted your gut.
Especially now that it's
sitting in your desk drawer.
Are you just going through
his patients' files?
No, no.
Just the sex addicts.
Tiffany Daniels.
Calls herself,
(BLEEP) Sucking Daniels.
(LAUGHING)
I'm kidding.
It doesn't say that.
I just gave her that.
But it does have
her home address.
What do you say
we swing by after?
Ooh! That's pretty close
to Cost-Lo too.
We could pick up
some more hummus,
and, man, this time
we'll get the big tub.
Damn, that's good hummus.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
It's Deezy.
What's up, fool?
What I gotta sign?
You sign it. I gave you
power of attorney.
PIGEON: Hmm.
Maybe I'm a sex addict.
You're definitely
a sex addict.
Hold up. Maybe Dr. Ensler
got a fax machine in here.
Hell, yeah.
He got one.
Damn, I don't know the number.
Hold up.
I'll call and ask Miss Ensler
and ask her
for the fax number.
Hold on.
Hey, Miss Ensler,
it's Mike Tyson.
You feeling any better?
Yeah, you just need
a little time, that's all.
Hey, do you know the number
for the fax machine
in Dr. Ensler's office?
I'm going to
conference you in with Deezy
and you tell him
the fax number, okay?
Hold on.
Okay, Deezy, you there?
Miss Ensler, you're
on the phone with Deezy.
-Hey.
-Hello. The number for
the fax is 555-0198.
Okay, got it.
Let me send it to you.
Thanks again, Miss Ensler.
Have a nice day, ma'am.
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-(GASPS)
I think there's someone
in the house.
Oh, God!
He's come back.
-Who's come back?
-Chainsaw Charlie?
Oh, my God!
He came back!
He's going to kill her!
Why didn't we call the Police?
Two thousand men!
-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
-He's right outside.
(FAX MACHINE RINGING
AND BEEPING)
Oh, whoops!
I'm gonna take Mrs. Ensler
home with me.
What?
Mike, did you get the fax?
-Yeah, now what do I do?
-You sign it and fax it back.
What is happening?
Chainsaw Charlie is taking
Miss Ensler to his house.
-What?
-Do you have
his address in that file?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's right here.
Shit! That's like one block
away from Cost-Lo.
Man, this is our lucky day.
Hold up. We gotta
wait for the confirmation.
(FAX MACHINE BEEPS)
Okay.
To the Mystery Mobile!
MARQUESS: So, we're still
not calling the police?
It's not even
a mystery anymore.
He's the killer.
I mean, honestly
(MRS. ENSLER SCREAMING)
Hey! Put that down,
you dumb (BLEEP) lunatic!
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
(GROANING)
What the hell was that?
It's the Mike Ty-Stun Gun.
It's the only one ever made.
We couldn't get any investors.
Deezy, Deezy, Deezy
Do we have a blanket or
something for this poor woman?
Okay.
I'm a sex addict.