Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e01 Episode Script
What's That Gnoise?
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRYING AND SNIFFLING)
How did we get here?
What are you talking about?
First, you knocked over my
bowl of tomato soup
because you had to show me
your magic trick.
Pigeon's trying to
commit suicide again.
And Dad's watching
On Golden Pond.
(CRYING)
I wasn't asking literally,
I was trying to set a mood.
What?
Aw! How'd you do that?
-Okay, I am going outside
to get a mystery.
-(CRYING CONTINUES)
I put the knot in the wrong
end of the rope. God damn it.
-YUNG: And I'm
not cleaning that.
-Oh, this is ridiculous.
(HUMMING)
Hey. Hey, who
turned off the gas?
Oh, Pigeon, just take a
(BLEEP) damn anti-depressant
like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, if any of you
were really my friends,
you'd let me die in peace.
-Guys, listen
-Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy
from 9 to 5?
Yeah, Dabney Coleman.
I love Dabney Coleman.
He's a reason
not to kill yourself.
Didn't he pass away
a few years ago?
What? I'm going back
in the oven.
(GAS HISSING)
Oh, wait a second, I'm
thinking of Charles Durning.
Dabney Coleman's still alive.
We don't have
to tell him that.
YUNG: Come on, let's go.
Hold on. I have an hour
and 14 minutes on my movie.
PIGEON: Nobody go through
my (beep) when I'm dead.
Oh, hi, thank you
so much for coming.
Oh, of course, ma'am.
We came as soon
as we got your note.
We definitely didn't wait
an hour and 14 minutes.
So, as I said, there is this
sound in my car and it's
driving me crazy.
I can't figure out where it's
coming from
and then, of course,
every time I take it
to the mechanic,
it stops making the sound.
-(BARKING)
-Ah! Look out!
What the (BLEEP)!
Sherman, no! No, Sherman!
-I'm so sorry.
He's out of control!
-(GROWLING)
Well, shall we take a look
at your car?
That would be great.
If you wanna come with me,
I'm about to take Sherman
to obedience school.
And then I have to pick up
my two other kids.
Wait a minute. You have two
more kids other than the two?
Are you trying to tell me
that somebody (BLEEP)
you four times? Come on!
-Pigeon!
-No offense.
Oh. Okay, well, I'm sure
that smoothed it all over.
-(WAILING)
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to change the baby.
And then we'll go.
Would you mind watching Tyler?
Watch him do what?
What do you do, Tyler?
Do you Do you do magic?
Marquess does magic.
Marquess, do that magic trick
you did this morning
for Tyler.
I am not tying up
a 2-year-old.
I'll do it.
-No one is tying him up.
-Well, we're back
to square one.
Your mom said to watch you,
but you don't do anything.
Oh, that is low brow.
It's funny as shit,
but it's low brow.
Well, now that we don't
have to deal with
Sherman's barking,
maybe, we can hear the sound.
It's, um, it's kind of
this high-pitched sound.
Oh, it's incredibly annoying.
Well, this is why my husband
calls me a liar.
(BABY COOING)
So, Meg, what does
your husband do?
He works in the IT department
for an alarm systems company.
Oh, that sounds fun.
(CHUCKLES)
How does that sound fun?
I'm just making conversation.
You could ask her
something, you know.
Oh, uh
Hey, Meg,
when you're on your period
Oh, my God.
You don't even know
what I'm going to ask.
Meg, when you're on your
period, do you still
like to get (BLEEP)?
-(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)
-I did know what
you were going to ask.
Okay, you guys wait here.
I'm going to run in
and get Britney
and then, we have to
drop her at gymnastics
before we pick up Miles.
-Britney the gymnast, huh?
(CHUCKLES)
-Gross!
-What?
-Dad, can you do something?
Tell him not to talk
or something.
I'm not allowed to say
"Britney the gymnast?"
Hey, Pigeon, is that that same
guy from On Golden Pond?
I don't know.
What are you watching?
Fast and the Furious 3.
No wait, Jaws 3.
No wait, On Golden Pond.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's the same guy.
That balance beam
better get ready.
(LAUGHS)
-Hi, Britney!
-Britney, this is the
Mike Tyson Mystery
and they're going to help us
find the noise in the car.
And I just found out that
Miles' soccer practice
was canceled.
So now, we have to pick him up
at his school before
we can go to gymnastics.
Mmm, I don't know when the
hell I'm gonna cook dinner!
Hmm, there is no job
in the world harder
than being a mom.
Really? Really?
How about a dad?
Has to do the same stuff
as a mom, plus have a job.
YUNG: Can you be more sexist?
PIGEON: Well, when you think
about it, I suppose so, uh
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hello, Miles.
Marquess, have you no shame?
He's 14.
-(GASPS)
I wasn't hitting on him!
-PIGEON: Oh.
Move over, Britney!
BRITNEY: You move over!
-Move over, Britney.
-You move over.
-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE)
-Move your leg!
-Shh!
-(NOISE STOPS)
-You're hurting me!
-(NOISE RESUMES)
-Jesus Christ.
-Move your leg!
-Everybody quiet!
-(WAILING)
-Mom!
-Mom, Miles is kicking me!
-Shut up! Just shut up!
-Mom!
-Mom, Miles is hurting me.
-Everybody just shut up!
Shut up!
(WAILING AND NOISE STOPS)
(SIGHS) Did any of you
hear that?
Please tell me
someone heard it!
(MIKE GIGGLING)
What the (BLEEP) Marquess?
She heard the sound.
Oh, damn, I'm sorry.
I thought I let
that one out quietly.
Well, I had a head of cabbage
for breakfast, okay?
Not you, the car.
I swear to God I'm
going to lose my mind.
It's okay, ma'am. Let's take
the car out on the freeway
and we'll all be real quiet
and we'll all pay attention.
No screens, guys, okay?
Everybody put away your
screens away.
Dad, you're the only one
watching a movie.
Mom, we're going to be
late for gymnastics.
-I get car sick
on the freeway.
-(BABY CRYING)
-Mom, Miles is kicking me.
-What? No, I'm not!
Okay, I have an idea.
-Is it "Kill all the kids"?
-What? No!
Why don't we take the children
in the Mystery Mobile
while Meg and Mike will take
this car out on the freeway
and listen for the noise?
Yes, that sounds like
a very good plan.
But when do we
kill all the kids?
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
Starting to notice
the girls, huh?
(CHUCKLES)
Let me ask you something.
You jacking off yet?
Because if you are,
it's weird.
Nobody does it.
You're the only one.
(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hello? Ahhh! What is that?
-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE)
Can you believe how loud
that (BLEEP) is?
It's the worst thing
in the world, man.
I keep thinking this
lady's crazy like she was
making this (BLEEP) up.
Because of her (BLEEP)
depressed life.
But it's not that, it's real.
And it's (BLEEP)
annoying as hell.
And we're gonna take this car
straight to the mechanic
and you guys
better meet us there.
Oh! First they have to pick
up Sherman.
Wait, first you gotta
pick up Sherman.
Okay, you drive
to the mechanic.
And I'm almost done with this
Golden Pond.
(GRUNTS)
Whoa! (MOANING)
That was a good
dismount, Britney.
Don't let anyone
tell you different.
Aw, that was very
sweet of you.
Yeah, well, I was a fat kid.
(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE CONTINUES)
-MIKE: Closed?
-Okay, so, what are we
going to do?
'Cause, I don't think
I can take it much longer.
Neither can I!
(ANGRY GRUNT)
-(GASPS)
-(METAL SMASHING)
Oh, my God.
My minivan!
(SCREAMING)
Maybe this little screaming
gnome that was trapped in your
car knows what the sound was.
It was me. I've been trapped
in your car for months.
Who are you?
My name is Elary.
I live in your garden.
I watch over it and
protect your family.
How did you get in my car?
The dog! He chased me.
I hid and then I got stuck.
Oh, the pain!
But now I'm free.
Thank you, Mike Tyson!
Sorry, it took so long.
Asian driver.
Ugh.
It's okay.
We solved the mystery.
-Believe it or not, it was
this little gnome in the car
-(GROWLING)
-and I couldn't find out
what the hell the problem was.
-(GASPS) Sherman!
-(BARKING)
-(WHIMPERS)
I'm going to have to pay
a hell of a bill for the car,
I don't know what happened.
-And insurance
But anyway
-ELARY: No, no! Wait, wait!
-MIKE: The little gnome's
about six inches tall.
-Please, no, no, no
No, no! (SCREAMING)
And, man, I just couldn't
believe this thing.
It's only 6 inches tall.
Well, where is he?
He was just here.
I bet he went back to your
garden to protect your family.
BOTH: Aw!
Are you sure? 'Cause, I just
watched that dog eat him.
(PANTING)
Yeah, I was on
Fifth Avenue one day.
I had this (BLEEP)
looking good, man.
Man, it was looking so good,
and it just stopped right
in the middle of the street.
It stopped. Then, the wheels
didn't run, the battery died,
it just stopped.
-MAN: So, what did you do?
-(EXHALES)
I got out and jumped in a cab.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRYING AND SNIFFLING)
How did we get here?
What are you talking about?
First, you knocked over my
bowl of tomato soup
because you had to show me
your magic trick.
Pigeon's trying to
commit suicide again.
And Dad's watching
On Golden Pond.
(CRYING)
I wasn't asking literally,
I was trying to set a mood.
What?
Aw! How'd you do that?
-Okay, I am going outside
to get a mystery.
-(CRYING CONTINUES)
I put the knot in the wrong
end of the rope. God damn it.
-YUNG: And I'm
not cleaning that.
-Oh, this is ridiculous.
(HUMMING)
Hey. Hey, who
turned off the gas?
Oh, Pigeon, just take a
(BLEEP) damn anti-depressant
like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, if any of you
were really my friends,
you'd let me die in peace.
-Guys, listen
-Hey, Pigeon, is that the guy
from 9 to 5?
Yeah, Dabney Coleman.
I love Dabney Coleman.
He's a reason
not to kill yourself.
Didn't he pass away
a few years ago?
What? I'm going back
in the oven.
(GAS HISSING)
Oh, wait a second, I'm
thinking of Charles Durning.
Dabney Coleman's still alive.
We don't have
to tell him that.
YUNG: Come on, let's go.
Hold on. I have an hour
and 14 minutes on my movie.
PIGEON: Nobody go through
my (beep) when I'm dead.
Oh, hi, thank you
so much for coming.
Oh, of course, ma'am.
We came as soon
as we got your note.
We definitely didn't wait
an hour and 14 minutes.
So, as I said, there is this
sound in my car and it's
driving me crazy.
I can't figure out where it's
coming from
and then, of course,
every time I take it
to the mechanic,
it stops making the sound.
-(BARKING)
-Ah! Look out!
What the (BLEEP)!
Sherman, no! No, Sherman!
-I'm so sorry.
He's out of control!
-(GROWLING)
Well, shall we take a look
at your car?
That would be great.
If you wanna come with me,
I'm about to take Sherman
to obedience school.
And then I have to pick up
my two other kids.
Wait a minute. You have two
more kids other than the two?
Are you trying to tell me
that somebody (BLEEP)
you four times? Come on!
-Pigeon!
-No offense.
Oh. Okay, well, I'm sure
that smoothed it all over.
-(WAILING)
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I have to change the baby.
And then we'll go.
Would you mind watching Tyler?
Watch him do what?
What do you do, Tyler?
Do you Do you do magic?
Marquess does magic.
Marquess, do that magic trick
you did this morning
for Tyler.
I am not tying up
a 2-year-old.
I'll do it.
-No one is tying him up.
-Well, we're back
to square one.
Your mom said to watch you,
but you don't do anything.
Oh, that is low brow.
It's funny as shit,
but it's low brow.
Well, now that we don't
have to deal with
Sherman's barking,
maybe, we can hear the sound.
It's, um, it's kind of
this high-pitched sound.
Oh, it's incredibly annoying.
Well, this is why my husband
calls me a liar.
(BABY COOING)
So, Meg, what does
your husband do?
He works in the IT department
for an alarm systems company.
Oh, that sounds fun.
(CHUCKLES)
How does that sound fun?
I'm just making conversation.
You could ask her
something, you know.
Oh, uh
Hey, Meg,
when you're on your period
Oh, my God.
You don't even know
what I'm going to ask.
Meg, when you're on your
period, do you still
like to get (BLEEP)?
-(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)
-I did know what
you were going to ask.
Okay, you guys wait here.
I'm going to run in
and get Britney
and then, we have to
drop her at gymnastics
before we pick up Miles.
-Britney the gymnast, huh?
(CHUCKLES)
-Gross!
-What?
-Dad, can you do something?
Tell him not to talk
or something.
I'm not allowed to say
"Britney the gymnast?"
Hey, Pigeon, is that that same
guy from On Golden Pond?
I don't know.
What are you watching?
Fast and the Furious 3.
No wait, Jaws 3.
No wait, On Golden Pond.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's the same guy.
That balance beam
better get ready.
(LAUGHS)
-Hi, Britney!
-Britney, this is the
Mike Tyson Mystery
and they're going to help us
find the noise in the car.
And I just found out that
Miles' soccer practice
was canceled.
So now, we have to pick him up
at his school before
we can go to gymnastics.
Mmm, I don't know when the
hell I'm gonna cook dinner!
Hmm, there is no job
in the world harder
than being a mom.
Really? Really?
How about a dad?
Has to do the same stuff
as a mom, plus have a job.
YUNG: Can you be more sexist?
PIGEON: Well, when you think
about it, I suppose so, uh
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Hello, Miles.
Marquess, have you no shame?
He's 14.
-(GASPS)
I wasn't hitting on him!
-PIGEON: Oh.
Move over, Britney!
BRITNEY: You move over!
-Move over, Britney.
-You move over.
-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE)
-Move your leg!
-Shh!
-(NOISE STOPS)
-You're hurting me!
-(NOISE RESUMES)
-Jesus Christ.
-Move your leg!
-Everybody quiet!
-(WAILING)
-Mom!
-Mom, Miles is kicking me!
-Shut up! Just shut up!
-Mom!
-Mom, Miles is hurting me.
-Everybody just shut up!
Shut up!
(WAILING AND NOISE STOPS)
(SIGHS) Did any of you
hear that?
Please tell me
someone heard it!
(MIKE GIGGLING)
What the (BLEEP) Marquess?
She heard the sound.
Oh, damn, I'm sorry.
I thought I let
that one out quietly.
Well, I had a head of cabbage
for breakfast, okay?
Not you, the car.
I swear to God I'm
going to lose my mind.
It's okay, ma'am. Let's take
the car out on the freeway
and we'll all be real quiet
and we'll all pay attention.
No screens, guys, okay?
Everybody put away your
screens away.
Dad, you're the only one
watching a movie.
Mom, we're going to be
late for gymnastics.
-I get car sick
on the freeway.
-(BABY CRYING)
-Mom, Miles is kicking me.
-What? No, I'm not!
Okay, I have an idea.
-Is it "Kill all the kids"?
-What? No!
Why don't we take the children
in the Mystery Mobile
while Meg and Mike will take
this car out on the freeway
and listen for the noise?
Yes, that sounds like
a very good plan.
But when do we
kill all the kids?
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
Starting to notice
the girls, huh?
(CHUCKLES)
Let me ask you something.
You jacking off yet?
Because if you are,
it's weird.
Nobody does it.
You're the only one.
(LAUGHING MISCHIEVOUSLY)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hello? Ahhh! What is that?
-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE)
Can you believe how loud
that (BLEEP) is?
It's the worst thing
in the world, man.
I keep thinking this
lady's crazy like she was
making this (BLEEP) up.
Because of her (BLEEP)
depressed life.
But it's not that, it's real.
And it's (BLEEP)
annoying as hell.
And we're gonna take this car
straight to the mechanic
and you guys
better meet us there.
Oh! First they have to pick
up Sherman.
Wait, first you gotta
pick up Sherman.
Okay, you drive
to the mechanic.
And I'm almost done with this
Golden Pond.
(GRUNTS)
Whoa! (MOANING)
That was a good
dismount, Britney.
Don't let anyone
tell you different.
Aw, that was very
sweet of you.
Yeah, well, I was a fat kid.
(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE CONTINUES)
-MIKE: Closed?
-Okay, so, what are we
going to do?
'Cause, I don't think
I can take it much longer.
Neither can I!
(ANGRY GRUNT)
-(GASPS)
-(METAL SMASHING)
Oh, my God.
My minivan!
(SCREAMING)
Maybe this little screaming
gnome that was trapped in your
car knows what the sound was.
It was me. I've been trapped
in your car for months.
Who are you?
My name is Elary.
I live in your garden.
I watch over it and
protect your family.
How did you get in my car?
The dog! He chased me.
I hid and then I got stuck.
Oh, the pain!
But now I'm free.
Thank you, Mike Tyson!
Sorry, it took so long.
Asian driver.
Ugh.
It's okay.
We solved the mystery.
-Believe it or not, it was
this little gnome in the car
-(GROWLING)
-and I couldn't find out
what the hell the problem was.
-(GASPS) Sherman!
-(BARKING)
-(WHIMPERS)
I'm going to have to pay
a hell of a bill for the car,
I don't know what happened.
-And insurance
But anyway
-ELARY: No, no! Wait, wait!
-MIKE: The little gnome's
about six inches tall.
-Please, no, no, no
No, no! (SCREAMING)
And, man, I just couldn't
believe this thing.
It's only 6 inches tall.
Well, where is he?
He was just here.
I bet he went back to your
garden to protect your family.
BOTH: Aw!
Are you sure? 'Cause, I just
watched that dog eat him.
(PANTING)
Yeah, I was on
Fifth Avenue one day.
I had this (BLEEP)
looking good, man.
Man, it was looking so good,
and it just stopped right
in the middle of the street.
It stopped. Then, the wheels
didn't run, the battery died,
it just stopped.
-MAN: So, what did you do?
-(EXHALES)
I got out and jumped in a cab.