Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e02 Episode Script
For the Troops
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ugh.
Hmm.
Why do you have photos
of naked women in
our living room?
Not all of them are naked.
Some didn't follow
instructions and sent me
pictures in their underwear.
Ha.
It's kind of hard to cast you
in the lead role of the
Untitled Vagina Project
if I can't even
see your vagina.
You're making a movie?
-Who's making a movie?
-No one's making a movie!
It's a scam to get women
to send me beaver shots.
Let me see that Oh!
She followed the instructions
to the letter.
MIKE: Hey gang, get in here.
-We got a new mystery.
-Oh, what is it?
"Call Deezy."
What the hell kind of
mystery is that?
Michael, that's
a phone message.
Ugh, Deezy.
I can't believe you let
that guy be your agent.
He's a parasite.
You're a parasite.
Now, Yung,
that is no way to talk
to a casting director who's
about to offer you the role
of the best friend
in the Untitled
Vagina Project.
You don't have to submit
a photo of your vagina.
-YUNG: Why?
-I don't want to see it.
Deezy? What's up fool?
Hey Mike, what's up?
Listen, I got you something.
-What you got?
-You got any mysteries going
on this week?
No, Deezy, we're just chillin.
I think Pigeon is working
on a movie or something.
I heard him saying
something about a movie.
I'm gonna put him on the phone
with you, and he'll tell you.
Hey, it's Deezy, tell
him about the movie.
Oh, hello, Deezy.
Hey, how's the shithead
business going?
Suck my (BLEEP), Pigeon.
Now tell me about this
movie of yours.
You got any part
in it for Mike?
Oh, no, unfortunately there
will be no part in it for
Mike, Deezy, because
there's no movie.
Oh, you think Mike can't
act in a movie? He's
been in big movies.
You ever heard of
The Hangover?
No, I've never heard of
The Hangover.
(BLEEP) Pigeon.
You better put Mike
in your movie.
He lets you live in his house.
Yeah. Okay, well, I gotta go
Deezy because I don't want
to talk to you anymore.
So, what's up, Deezy,
what you got for me?
I got you a gig.
A very special gig.
Part of a celebrity tour.
Entertain the troops
in Afghanistan.
Hey, I thought we pulled
out of Afghanistan.
DEEZY: No, Mike, we still got
a lot of personnel there.
We got special forces, we got
counter-terrorism forces,
military training personnel.
Come on, Mike, we've had
this conversation before.
Hey, you know what, I'm
right outside your house.
I'm just gonna come in.
Hey! Mike, Yung, Ghost.
How ya'll doing?
-(BLEEP) you, Pigeon.
-(PIGEON SCOFFS)
Hey, Deezy man, would you mind
taking off your shoes, man?
We've become a no-shoe
household here.
Oh, not a problem, Mike.
You get the carpets cleaned?
No, I read about all these
things people track into your
house, man, with their shoes.
Dirt, urine, vomit,
semen, and pollen.
Man, I've been
sneezing all day!
Oh, I feel you, Mike.
Can I get you anything?
You know, something to drink.
Yeah, you got any
champagne open?
-No
-All right then, I'm good.
-Okay, Deezy, let's talk more
about Afghanistan.
-PIGEON: More?
It's a three-day trip.
You fly commercial to
Hamburg, Germany,
and then they put you on
a C-17, straight to Kabul.
Wait, you're going to
Afghanistan? When?
-Right now.
-What?
They need to fill the slot.
Wayne Brady just dropped out.
Hold up, man, I'm the
backup choice to Wayne Brady?
That's a huge
(BLEEP) honor, man.
I love Wayne Brady, man.
Man, what's that show, man?
Who The (BLEEP) Line Is It?
-Okay, Deezy, we will do it.
-What?
Whoa, whoa, no Mike. This
invitation is just for you.
No way, I can't do
improv by myself.
Not even Wayne Brady
does it by himself.
No one wants you
to do improv, Mike.
Just do some of that getting
back up after you get
knocked down stuff.
You know, boxer talk.
Inspirational.
-Let's get this money.
-No.
You can't disappoint
the troops.
They are expecting improv,
and they're getting improv.
But we don't know
how to do improv.
That's the beauty of improv.
You don't even have to know
how to do improv.
You just have to improv
with something off the
top of your head.
My God, how many
times are you assholes
gonna say "improv"?
Excuse me, do you
have any of those little
bags of pretzels?
Hmm. Bitch.
That was sure nice of
Deezy to house-sit for us
while we were gone.
He's probably going
to rob you.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what we gotta do
when we get there?
Get him a thank you gift.
Yeah, soon as we get there.
-What kind of (BLEEP) do they
sell in Afghanistan?
-I don't know.
I think I've heard of
an Afghan rug.
What the (BLEEP) does Deezy
need with an Afghan rug?
No, he likes gadgets.
You know, electric shit, man,
for his phone and stuff.
Cheerleaders, huh?
That sounds like some good ole
fashioned troop entertainment.
Let me ask you gals something,
you ever do any acting?
I only ask because I happen
to be casting a film.
-Ugh.
-What?
Hey, Mike, I know
you're still in transit,
but I want you to know
the house looks real good.
I just finished feeding your
pigeons, I watered your plants
and brought your mail inside.
Oh, wait, hold up.
It looks like you got
a new mystery, Mike.
Don't you worry about it
though. Get that money
over there. I'm on this.
Hey there, little fella.
What you got for me?
"Museum of Antiquity."
On behalf of the
United States Armed Forces,
welcome to Afghanistan,
ladies and gentlemen.
If you'll follow me,
Sergeant Gutierrez will drive
you to the performance venue.
I'm sure we'll pass a
Best Buy on the way.
If not, Deezy also
likes sunglasses.
So be on the lookout
for a Sunglass Hut.
Ladies.
-Um, hello.
-Hello, little boy.
Wait. You brought the van?
Oh, yeah. Always bring
your own ride, man.
I've been stuck at too
many lame ass parties, not
to have my own ride.
-After you, little boy.
-Okay.
Hey, dude, we'll follow you.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Michael, what are you doing?
I think I saw a Radio Shack.
Dad, we need to follow him!
My bad. That ain't
a Radio Shack.
It's just a "shack" shack.
-(YUNG SCREAMS)
-Jesus Christ!
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)
DEEZY: So, let me get
this straight.
There used to be a mummy
in here?
And now the mummy's gone.
You're not Mike Tyson.
No. I'm his agent.
But I got this.
I'll go take a look around.
You got a flashlight
or something?
Hmm. There's some creepy
(BLEEP) down this way.
(MEN CHEERING)
MAN 1: Bend over!
MAN 2: Yeah!
Hmm, spray tan much?
SOLDIER: What's up girl!
(CHEERING)
Dad, I'm really starting to
get nervous. Can we
practice or something?
No, honey, no.
I told you, you
don't practice improv.
Well, I don't think
I can go out there.
Okay, sweety, I understand.
You're not funny. Hey, Pigeon.
Let's do it.
We're the funny ones.
Oh, I'm not doing it.
Okay, cool. Marquess?
MIKE: It's just me
and you, dude.
What?
(ALL CHEERING)
Hello, everyone.
I am Mike Tyson,
former heavyweight
champion of the world.
But the real heavyweight
champion of the world are you,
the troops.
(ALL CHEERING)
I just came up with
that, right now.
That's how good at
improv I am.
Okay, we're gonna perform
a scene based on your
suggestions, okay?
Can somebody shout out a
typical work place?
MAN 1: What about
a doctor's office?
MAN 2: A library!
MAN 3: A bank!
MIKE: I heard a bank.
Okay, we take you
now to a bank.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Uh, good afternoon sir.
Welcome to the bank.
I understand you are
interested in, um,
taking out a loan.
(WHISPERING)
Michael, say something.
(CROWD WHISPERING)
(CRICKETS)
MIKE: Oh, God,
I can't think of anything.
My heart is beating a
thousand miles an hour.
I'm so nervous.
Marquess, use your ghost
powers to get us the
(BLEEP) out of here.
(ALARM BLARING)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Sorry to cut the show short,
but evidently power
went out in town
and the locals
are going crazy.
So the base has been
placed on alert.
If you follow
Sergeant Gutierrez,
he'll get you safely back
to the airfield.
Way to go Marquess,
I owe you one buddy.
Well, that was a
satisfying 60-hour trip.
(MOBILE VIBRATING)
It's Deezy.
Oh (BLEEP), I can't
talk to him. We never
got him a gift.
Come on, we'll go
to Sunglass Hut.
Mike, it's Deezy.
I'm hiding inside the
skull of a wooly mammoth.
There's a mummy
that's after me!
You gotta come quick.
Oh, by the way,
the dishes in the
dishwasher are clean,
but I didn't have a chance
to unload it because of
this mummy (BLEEP).
So just don't put any dirty
dishes in there, or they'll
get all mixed up.
-(GROANING MUMMY)
-Oh (BLEEP)!
There he is. I gotta go Mike,
I gotta go.
Come quick!
Ok guys, one more
One more, one more
shout out suggestion.
Give it to me. Come on.
One more. Last one, guys.
MAN: Like an office
supply store.
Office supply store.
Okay.
We're at
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ugh.
Hmm.
Why do you have photos
of naked women in
our living room?
Not all of them are naked.
Some didn't follow
instructions and sent me
pictures in their underwear.
Ha.
It's kind of hard to cast you
in the lead role of the
Untitled Vagina Project
if I can't even
see your vagina.
You're making a movie?
-Who's making a movie?
-No one's making a movie!
It's a scam to get women
to send me beaver shots.
Let me see that Oh!
She followed the instructions
to the letter.
MIKE: Hey gang, get in here.
-We got a new mystery.
-Oh, what is it?
"Call Deezy."
What the hell kind of
mystery is that?
Michael, that's
a phone message.
Ugh, Deezy.
I can't believe you let
that guy be your agent.
He's a parasite.
You're a parasite.
Now, Yung,
that is no way to talk
to a casting director who's
about to offer you the role
of the best friend
in the Untitled
Vagina Project.
You don't have to submit
a photo of your vagina.
-YUNG: Why?
-I don't want to see it.
Deezy? What's up fool?
Hey Mike, what's up?
Listen, I got you something.
-What you got?
-You got any mysteries going
on this week?
No, Deezy, we're just chillin.
I think Pigeon is working
on a movie or something.
I heard him saying
something about a movie.
I'm gonna put him on the phone
with you, and he'll tell you.
Hey, it's Deezy, tell
him about the movie.
Oh, hello, Deezy.
Hey, how's the shithead
business going?
Suck my (BLEEP), Pigeon.
Now tell me about this
movie of yours.
You got any part
in it for Mike?
Oh, no, unfortunately there
will be no part in it for
Mike, Deezy, because
there's no movie.
Oh, you think Mike can't
act in a movie? He's
been in big movies.
You ever heard of
The Hangover?
No, I've never heard of
The Hangover.
(BLEEP) Pigeon.
You better put Mike
in your movie.
He lets you live in his house.
Yeah. Okay, well, I gotta go
Deezy because I don't want
to talk to you anymore.
So, what's up, Deezy,
what you got for me?
I got you a gig.
A very special gig.
Part of a celebrity tour.
Entertain the troops
in Afghanistan.
Hey, I thought we pulled
out of Afghanistan.
DEEZY: No, Mike, we still got
a lot of personnel there.
We got special forces, we got
counter-terrorism forces,
military training personnel.
Come on, Mike, we've had
this conversation before.
Hey, you know what, I'm
right outside your house.
I'm just gonna come in.
Hey! Mike, Yung, Ghost.
How ya'll doing?
-(BLEEP) you, Pigeon.
-(PIGEON SCOFFS)
Hey, Deezy man, would you mind
taking off your shoes, man?
We've become a no-shoe
household here.
Oh, not a problem, Mike.
You get the carpets cleaned?
No, I read about all these
things people track into your
house, man, with their shoes.
Dirt, urine, vomit,
semen, and pollen.
Man, I've been
sneezing all day!
Oh, I feel you, Mike.
Can I get you anything?
You know, something to drink.
Yeah, you got any
champagne open?
-No
-All right then, I'm good.
-Okay, Deezy, let's talk more
about Afghanistan.
-PIGEON: More?
It's a three-day trip.
You fly commercial to
Hamburg, Germany,
and then they put you on
a C-17, straight to Kabul.
Wait, you're going to
Afghanistan? When?
-Right now.
-What?
They need to fill the slot.
Wayne Brady just dropped out.
Hold up, man, I'm the
backup choice to Wayne Brady?
That's a huge
(BLEEP) honor, man.
I love Wayne Brady, man.
Man, what's that show, man?
Who The (BLEEP) Line Is It?
-Okay, Deezy, we will do it.
-What?
Whoa, whoa, no Mike. This
invitation is just for you.
No way, I can't do
improv by myself.
Not even Wayne Brady
does it by himself.
No one wants you
to do improv, Mike.
Just do some of that getting
back up after you get
knocked down stuff.
You know, boxer talk.
Inspirational.
-Let's get this money.
-No.
You can't disappoint
the troops.
They are expecting improv,
and they're getting improv.
But we don't know
how to do improv.
That's the beauty of improv.
You don't even have to know
how to do improv.
You just have to improv
with something off the
top of your head.
My God, how many
times are you assholes
gonna say "improv"?
Excuse me, do you
have any of those little
bags of pretzels?
Hmm. Bitch.
That was sure nice of
Deezy to house-sit for us
while we were gone.
He's probably going
to rob you.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what we gotta do
when we get there?
Get him a thank you gift.
Yeah, soon as we get there.
-What kind of (BLEEP) do they
sell in Afghanistan?
-I don't know.
I think I've heard of
an Afghan rug.
What the (BLEEP) does Deezy
need with an Afghan rug?
No, he likes gadgets.
You know, electric shit, man,
for his phone and stuff.
Cheerleaders, huh?
That sounds like some good ole
fashioned troop entertainment.
Let me ask you gals something,
you ever do any acting?
I only ask because I happen
to be casting a film.
-Ugh.
-What?
Hey, Mike, I know
you're still in transit,
but I want you to know
the house looks real good.
I just finished feeding your
pigeons, I watered your plants
and brought your mail inside.
Oh, wait, hold up.
It looks like you got
a new mystery, Mike.
Don't you worry about it
though. Get that money
over there. I'm on this.
Hey there, little fella.
What you got for me?
"Museum of Antiquity."
On behalf of the
United States Armed Forces,
welcome to Afghanistan,
ladies and gentlemen.
If you'll follow me,
Sergeant Gutierrez will drive
you to the performance venue.
I'm sure we'll pass a
Best Buy on the way.
If not, Deezy also
likes sunglasses.
So be on the lookout
for a Sunglass Hut.
Ladies.
-Um, hello.
-Hello, little boy.
Wait. You brought the van?
Oh, yeah. Always bring
your own ride, man.
I've been stuck at too
many lame ass parties, not
to have my own ride.
-After you, little boy.
-Okay.
Hey, dude, we'll follow you.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Michael, what are you doing?
I think I saw a Radio Shack.
Dad, we need to follow him!
My bad. That ain't
a Radio Shack.
It's just a "shack" shack.
-(YUNG SCREAMS)
-Jesus Christ!
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)
DEEZY: So, let me get
this straight.
There used to be a mummy
in here?
And now the mummy's gone.
You're not Mike Tyson.
No. I'm his agent.
But I got this.
I'll go take a look around.
You got a flashlight
or something?
Hmm. There's some creepy
(BLEEP) down this way.
(MEN CHEERING)
MAN 1: Bend over!
MAN 2: Yeah!
Hmm, spray tan much?
SOLDIER: What's up girl!
(CHEERING)
Dad, I'm really starting to
get nervous. Can we
practice or something?
No, honey, no.
I told you, you
don't practice improv.
Well, I don't think
I can go out there.
Okay, sweety, I understand.
You're not funny. Hey, Pigeon.
Let's do it.
We're the funny ones.
Oh, I'm not doing it.
Okay, cool. Marquess?
MIKE: It's just me
and you, dude.
What?
(ALL CHEERING)
Hello, everyone.
I am Mike Tyson,
former heavyweight
champion of the world.
But the real heavyweight
champion of the world are you,
the troops.
(ALL CHEERING)
I just came up with
that, right now.
That's how good at
improv I am.
Okay, we're gonna perform
a scene based on your
suggestions, okay?
Can somebody shout out a
typical work place?
MAN 1: What about
a doctor's office?
MAN 2: A library!
MAN 3: A bank!
MIKE: I heard a bank.
Okay, we take you
now to a bank.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Uh, good afternoon sir.
Welcome to the bank.
I understand you are
interested in, um,
taking out a loan.
(WHISPERING)
Michael, say something.
(CROWD WHISPERING)
(CRICKETS)
MIKE: Oh, God,
I can't think of anything.
My heart is beating a
thousand miles an hour.
I'm so nervous.
Marquess, use your ghost
powers to get us the
(BLEEP) out of here.
(ALARM BLARING)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Sorry to cut the show short,
but evidently power
went out in town
and the locals
are going crazy.
So the base has been
placed on alert.
If you follow
Sergeant Gutierrez,
he'll get you safely back
to the airfield.
Way to go Marquess,
I owe you one buddy.
Well, that was a
satisfying 60-hour trip.
(MOBILE VIBRATING)
It's Deezy.
Oh (BLEEP), I can't
talk to him. We never
got him a gift.
Come on, we'll go
to Sunglass Hut.
Mike, it's Deezy.
I'm hiding inside the
skull of a wooly mammoth.
There's a mummy
that's after me!
You gotta come quick.
Oh, by the way,
the dishes in the
dishwasher are clean,
but I didn't have a chance
to unload it because of
this mummy (BLEEP).
So just don't put any dirty
dishes in there, or they'll
get all mixed up.
-(GROANING MUMMY)
-Oh (BLEEP)!
There he is. I gotta go Mike,
I gotta go.
Come quick!
Ok guys, one more
One more, one more
shout out suggestion.
Give it to me. Come on.
One more. Last one, guys.
MAN: Like an office
supply store.
Office supply store.
Okay.
We're at