Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e03 Episode Script

She's a Bayniac

PIGEON: What are you doing?
Uh Um. Um, nothing.
I was, uh, just
Smoking a cigarette.
Okay, you know what? It's none
of your business, Pigeon.
MIKE: Hey everybody,
we have a new mystery.
-Do not tell anyone
about this.
-I won't.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.
What were you
doing back there?
Oh, um
Um, Marquess was torturing
the neighbor's cat.
What? My God.
Are you insane?
I was not. I was
smoking a cigarette.
I can't believe you
just told them.
I thought the whole point
was not to tell anyone!
-You smoke?
-Marquess, tell me
it's not true!
Okay. Look, I'm trying to
quit, but I'm just (SIGHS)
I've been so
stressed these days.
What are you stressed about?
Ugh! I don't know.
You're probably worried
someone is going to find out
you torture small animals
behind this coop.
What? I do not torture
animals. Pigeon, what is
wrong with you?
So, what's the mystery?
The mystery is how long
you've been secretly smoking
dirty, disgusting cigarettes!
Okay. Oh, my God.
He smokes crack!
And we are going to make
a federal case out of
one cigarette?
Uh, Yung, will you please
just read the mystery?
Oh, are you getting
stressed out, Marquess?
You need a dirty,
disgusting cigarette?
My God.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I'm worried that my
wife is having an affair.
"Please help, Douglas Baynes."
-Oh, he lives here
in Las Vegas.
So, it's just nice because
he is here in town.
Yeah, why? What else
you got going on?
-Yeah, then why does it matter
where the hell the mystery is?
It's all a big (BEEP)
waste of our lives anyway.
We should all just
kill ourselves.
I'm sorry. I-I'm just
in a horrible mood.
I smoked a ton
of crack last night
and as usual, now,
I feel like (BEEP).
Anyways, to the
Mystery Mobile!
Thank you for coming.
Does anyone need more tea?
PIGEON: Uh, no, because
it is 100 degrees outside!
So no one needs more hot tea!
So, what is going on
with your wife, Mr. Baynes?
She's just been
acting distant.
She's spending
more time at work.
Lots of secretive phone calls.
I mean, last night,
she came home
and smelled like
men's cologne.
PIGEON: Right, because
she's (BEEP) other men?
I'm sorry, where
is your bathroom?
Oh, just down that hall.
That's her! Okay, she can't
know why I've called you here.
I mean, what if I am
wrong about all this?
(LAUGHS) You're not wrong.
Relax, sir. She won't
suspect a thing.
Oh, hi, ma'am, I'm Randy.
I went to school
with your husband.
And this is, um, my sister,
and this is our son.
Aren't you Mike Tyson?
Yes, ma'am.
I left my day planner.
Uh, Douglas, I have to
run back to work.
Don't wait up. It's going
to be another late night.
PIGEON: Another late night
of fiddling with other
men's penises.
Ahhh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, shit!
Argh! My shoes!
This is one of those times
I wish I was an
invisible ghost,
instead of this all-white,
incredibly visible ghost.
Ah-ha! Mystery solved.
Ugh, what is this?
It's one of my slut websites.
Is that Mrs. Baynes?
Sure looks like her, and
the profile says Bayniac.
Let's see here, she is
seeking men, women, black,
Asian, Mexican,
Indian, good lord!
Group sex, public sex,
Sweet mother of God!
Mrs. Baynes!
Damn, I got to send this
bitch a boner request.
(SIGH) I guess I'll call
Douglas and break the news.
What's the name of
that website again?
Dad, hold on. We don't
even know that's her.
Yung's right. We
have to be sure.
Maybe, Pigeon could set up
a date with her, like a sting.
-Nah, I don't think
that'll work.
-How come?
Well for one thing,
she declined my boner request.
Well, what about Marquess?
She never saw him,
so she won't be suspicious.
I'm sorry, I-I don't feel
comfortable doing that.
I'll set up your profile.
But, maybe we will
put you down as Indian
and leave out that you
torture small animals,
I think that would
be a turnoff.
-Okay, okay!
PIGEON: And we're live.
Testing, testing.
Marquess, can you hear me?
Yes, I can hear you.
Where did you get all this
surveillance equipment?
-Your bedroom.
Uh, relax!
PIGEON: You're the only
person in the world
who doesn't masturbate.
Can we please just focus?
Oh, my God.
What is this place?
The Torture Chamber.
Las Vegas's premiere
BDSM club.
So do you, like, come here?
No, only once. But I've
been here a bunch of times.
Ugh, gross.
Hello? Where am
I supposed to meet her?
PIGEON: She said to meet
in the Whipping Room.
-MAN: Oh, yeah!
Oh, God I think I am in it.
(SQUEALS) I need a cigarette.
Marquess, I thought you said
you were going to quit!
Seriously? I am
surrounded by genitals
and you're not going to
let me have one cigarette?
YUNG: Cigarettes cause
cancer, Marquess.
I'm a ghost.
I can't get cancer.
"I can't get cancer?"
What a dick.
Who says that?
"I can't get cancer."
-What an unlikeable dick.
WOMAN: Sid Arthur?
Oh, um, Bayniac?
Oh, my God, it is her!
You seem nervous.
Uh, oh, I'm not nervous.
I'm very comfortable
here in
Ahhh! Semen!
-Holy (BEEP).
-What the hell is she?
You know what? I think I left
my wallet in one
of the gang-bang rooms.
So, I'm just gonna
What, what the hell?
MARQUESS: Michael!
You can kill these sexual
deviants, alien, but you can't
kill my friend.
Oh, semen!
PIGEON: Hey, I wonder,
do you think we are
standing in blood
or semen?
Huh. Looks like
a little of both.
PIGEON: Hey! At least you're
wearing (BEEP) shoes.
You're saying my
wife was an alien?
And now she's just gone back
to her home planet?
We were married
for seven years. I just
I just can't believe it.
We're so sorry.
Well, as bad as it is,
for whatever reason,
it makes me feel better
to know she wasn't unfaithful.
What are you talking about?
She is very unfaithful.
I would estimate she
slept with anywhere
from one to 10,000 people.
She was probably harvesting
sperm for an alien species.
Unless she was doing it for
her own personal pleasure.
Either way, she was very,
very promiscuous.
Uh Uh
Dad, you didn't have
to tell him that part.
Look, Marquess, three women
accepted your boner request.
Uh! Delete that
account, right now.
No. No, no, we're having
success here.
We, we got to
send a follow up.
Let me see your dick.
-Come on.
Come on, I got to
take a dick pic.
-Stop it!
-Yung, tell Marquess to
take out his dick.
So I can take a
picture of his dick.
MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
I'm sure there's other, um
Universes. Of course, there
has to be other planet.
We can't be the only
people here.
If, um If that's the case,
Gods did a pitiful job.
God has really done
a pitiful job.
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