Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

Last Night on Charlie Rose

Hmm, I think it might be
Yeah, huh! Look at that.
Tomorrow's my birthday.
Well, I just need to know,
should I plan something?
Are people planning
something for me? Do
Do I need
to make myself scarce
for a few hours tomorrow
while things get set up?
Hey, that's actually
a good idea.
You should definitely
leave for the entire day
tomorrow. (CHUCKLES)
Well, just to make it easy
on everyone,
I went ahead and made
my Amazon Wish List public.
I also have a wish list
at Williams-Sonoma
We're all going
to New York City, baby.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
New York City?
A trip to New York City
for my birthday.
Oh! You shouldn't have.
(GASPS) Are we going
to a show?
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Did you get tickets
to Kinky Boots?
Am I seeing Kinky Boots
for my birthday?
Thank you, everyone!
This is the best
birthday present ever!
What are you talking about,
We're going to New York City
for a mystery.
-Why? When's your birthday?
Oh, okay.
Sure, uh-huh, okay.
I see what's going on.
I'll play along.
So, I guess I should just
go pack for this "mystery"
that's taking us
to New York City? (CHUCKLES)
You guys probably
have a lot to talk about.
The less I know, the better.
Did you guys know
it was his birthday?
What are we gonna give him?
I dunno.
I could give him gonorrhea.
But, I'd have to (BLEEP) him.
Hmm, I feel like
we can do better,
but that's a good backup.
Okay, read the mystery
to Pigeon, honey.
"My name is Julie,
and I'm a production assistant
on The Charlie Rose Show."
The Charlie Rose Show
is a talk show on PBS.
"I need your help
because last night's guest,
Gregg Popovich,
"has gone missing.
Please hurry."
"Hurry" means "to move
or to proceed with haste."
I know. What do you think,
I'm a (BLEEP) idiot?
I don't know, don't birds
have small brains?
How do you lose a guest
on a talk show?
Uh, quick question
about "the mystery."
If I were to schedule
a personal shopper
at Bergdorf's,
are we thinking Saturday
is a day where we can all
do whatever we want?
Or do you guys have everything
super planned? Or
You know what?
I'll just book it.
And if I have to cancel it,
I'll cancel it.
Big lights, big city! ♪
Baggage for flight 185
MIKE: We missed you, Pigeon!
(BLEEP) you!
(BLEEP) all of you!
Was it bad down there?
Oh, where?
You mean in the freezing cold
with all the (BLEEP) luggage?
We tried
to get you on, Pigeon,
but they said
no animals in first class.
You assholes
were in first class?
Ugh! What is that smell?
(BLEEP) That's my own (BLEEP).
Don't "ugh" me,
you (BLEEP) bitch.
Where was I supposed to go?
While you were
up there in first class
sipping champagne
and shitting
wherever you pleased,
I've been stuck
in a little plastic prison,
standing in my own feces.
Just so you know,
we didn't have champagne.
It was prosecco.
And it wasn't even that good.
Halfway through the flight,
I had to switch
to pinot, so
Ooh! There's our driver.
(GASPS) Ah! You got us a limo?
Oh, you guys are spoiling me!
Yeah, where are you gonna
put me this time? The trunk?
The glove compartment?
Oh! Maybe in one
of the wheel wells.
-DRIVER: So, uh, Mr. Tyson,
this is your first time doing
The Charlie Rose Show?
Oh, I'm not gonna be
on the show.
We're just here
to solve a mystery.
Yeah, I've driven
Charlie Rose before.
Nicest guy you'll ever meet.
I drive a lot of celebrities.
Who do I get
I get Harrison Ford.
Drove him around.
Him and his family.
Took them all around town.
Julianne Moore, stunning.
She's a stunning woman.
Doesn't wear make-up.
Doesn't need to make
She doesn't need
to wear the make-up.
She'll talk to you.
DRIVER: I don't care
for the younger guys.
They think the You know.
They think the city's theirs.
Just wanna go
to the titty bars.
That's not what I wanna do,
wait outside a titty bar.
Four hours, sitting outside
of a titty bar. (SIGHS)
You know who else?
Billy Crystal.
Nicest guy you'll ever meet,
Billy Crystal.
Rides up front,
never rides in the back.
Jesus Christ!
Makes me harken back
to when I was standing
in my own (BLEEP).
I should go see my daughter.
She lives in the city.
We weren't talking
for a while,
but now we're talking.
DRIVER: Here we are,
Bloomberg building.
What are we doing here?
It's where they tape
The Charlie Rose Show.
So, this is an actual mystery?
Yes, Gregg Popovich
is missing.
Who is Gregg Popovich?
He's a basketball coach.
Oh, oh, right. I knew that.
Oh, you knew that, really?
What team?
Uh, the "I don't have to prove
anything because you're
a (BLEEP) asshole" team.
-How about that?
-Yeah, well,
he's the coach of the Lakers.
-I know!
He's the coach of the Spurs,
you gay ghost! (LAUGHS)
So We're not seeing
Kinky Boots?
We're not Oh, Jesus.
Oh, thank God, you're here.
I'm Julie, I'm the one
who contacted you.
Okay, we don't have much time.
Good to meet you, Julie.
We're the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
That's Yung,
and that's Pigeon.
And that's Marquess
over there.
How could this have happened?
I have one job.
Take the guest from
the green room to the set,
and then back
to the green room as soon as
the interview is over.
That's your (BLEEP) job?
He could be anywhere.
Let's split up.
I'll take Broadway.
If he's not there,
I'll search Bergdorf's,
Saks Fifth Avenue and Barneys.
Where else
I definitely need to go
to Mood, just to see it
No, he's still
somewhere in the building.
You can't leave without
signing out, and I checked,
and he never did.
-Just follow me.
-(SIGHS) Yeah.
'Cause that's what
you wanna do in New York.
You wanna go to a (BLEEP)
building and look for a man.
Look for a man
in a (BLEEP) building.
Gregg Popovich,
it has been my pleasure.
Tomorrow night, our guest
will be Timothy Geithner,
the former Treasury Secretary.
Good night, everyone.
JULIE: It's like he took
two steps away,
-and then he was gone.
Maybe he got swallowed up
by all that darkness
behind the table.
I mean, it's pitch black, man.
What kinda cheap-ass
background is that
for a talk show?
-I'm just saying, man.
If Charlie Rose
wants to be successful,
and if he wants to compete
with the Jay Lenos
and the David Lettermans
of the world
They got rid of Leno,
it's Fallon.
-And Letterman retired.
-Who's the other guy?
-I dunno.
-Jimmy Kimmel.
-Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Uh-uh, that's not the guy
I'm talking about.
Who am I thinking of?
How the (BLEEP) would I know
who you're thinking of!
The one with the city
in the background, dickhead.
-The dude that sits
at the desk,
and behind him in the
background is a miniature
version of the city. That guy.
Yes, yes, that's all of them.
That's exactly my point.
And that's why Charlie Rose
needs to get himself
to Home Depot
and get some wood and build
a little New York City
and put it in the
(BLEEP) background.
And that is if he wants
to at least compete
with Jay Leno.
Well, let's not forget about
Steve Allen.
Oh, there you are.
We're taping in 30 minutes.
We're gonna need you to get
Mr. Geithner to set.
Oh, and um, we just got a call
from someone from the Spurs.
They're looking for
Gregg Popovich. You have
any idea where he went?
No! Uh
After the show, I took him
to the green room
Huh, weird.
Uh-oh! Julie, you lied.
That always makes
everything worse.
Oh, my God,
I'm gonna get fired.
I just know
I'm gonna get fired.
Okay. Well, I'll just say it.
This doesn't seem to be
one of those mysteries
where we all need to be here,
you know what I mean?
I mean,
I haven't spoken in a while,
and no one has noticed.
So, what do we all think
of me just going,
just to see about
tickets to Kinky?
And if there aren't any,
I'll come right back
and keep looking
for, um Uh
Oh, uh
-Gregg Popovich.
-Gregg Popovich.
Yes. And you'll come
right back and help look.
Oh! Right.
And if there are
tickets available?
You'll just see the show
and then come back
and help look, right?
For a missing human being.
A human being
who could be injured,
who could be scared, alone.
Well, it's your birthday.
And so you, a grown man,
you need to treat yourself
to a show of singing
and dancing?
Okay, sounds good.
This is a waste of time.
We need to be
looking for him in places
I haven't already looked.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we the
"Julie Mystery Team"?
Or are we the
"Mike Tyson Mystery Team"?
Because last time I checked,
this track suit, it said
"Mike Tyson Mystery Team."
No, it doesn't.
It just has a question mark.
(BLEEP) Deezy, the whole time
I thought this said
the "Mike Tyson Mystery Team."
Is my face
at least on the back?
Somebody please tell me
my face is on the back
of this (BLEEP) track suit.
Uh Yes?
Good, 'cause I was gonna
kick somebody's (BLEEP) ass
if my face wasn't
on the back of this thing.
(BLEEP) question mark, my ass.
Makes me seem like
I'm just walking around like,
"I don't know, I don't know."
Then he got up and went where?
That's the thing.
He just vanished
into thin air.
Julie, nobody just
vanishes into
Dad! Da
-Where the (BLEEP) are we?
A better question is
"When the (BLEEP) are we"?
And the answer is
the year 2183.
Also known as the year
humans become extinct.
Go on.
You see, once
artificial intelligence
caught up with
human intelligence,
the machines
declared war on us.
And it is a war
they are winning.
So, I went back in time
to find someone
to lead us to victory.
After countless interviews,
I've found him.
Gregg Popovich.
That was the point
of The Charlie Rose Show?
ROBOT: Kill all humans.
Promise me you'll carry on
in my place.
I will, Charlie.
You hear that, machine?
Timothy Geithner,
it has been a pleasure.
Thank you for being with us.
Oh, thank you for having me.
I think that man wanted Mike
to take his place fighting
those machines.
But he's doing all right.
Hey, he fixed that background.
Tomorrow night, our guest
will be New York Times
columnist, Paul Krugman.
-Good night, everyone.
And the cab driver
was trying to, um,
elicit some kind of
dialogue from me,
and this is what I do.
There's two things.
"Shut the (BLEEP) up,"
or "Hey, I don't feel like
talking right now,
"my head is going through
some difficulties right now."
That kind of stuff.
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