Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e05 Episode Script
Old Man of the Mountain
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-What is that?
-Leftovers. Chinese food.
-Why? Do you want it?
-(WINGS FLUTTERING)
Hey, what the hell?
Get the (BLEEP) away from me.
Ah, he wants
to be your friend.
Yeah, I already have
enough friends I don't like.
(MARQUESS HUMMING)
Are you drinking wine?
What? It's the weekend.
Dad, we got a new mystery.
Damn, they sure like
that orange chicken.
I wonder, do they know that
they're eating their cousins?
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"My sister Elsa and I
are struggling to figure out
"what to do with
our 96-year-old father.
"I think we need to put him
in a nursing home,
"but Elsa worries that
if we do,
"he'll lose the will to live.
"Can you help us decide?
"Sincerely, Alex Schmidt."
Oh, God, that's depressing.
Are we allowed to pick
another one?
Yeah, I guess we could
pick another one.
Whoo, this'll be fun!
(CHUCKLES) Cheers, team.
You know,
it's 10:00 in the morning.
What? You never heard
of a little white wine
with brunch?
We're not eating brunch.
(SCOFFS)
-She can be a real (BLEEP).
-YUNG: Oh, my God.
Okay, how about this one?
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I don't have
anyone else to turn to.
"My husband was just laid off,
"and we're so far behind
on our mortgage
"that the bank is threatening
to take our home.
"I would go back to work,
"but I'm afraid
I was just injured,
"and in a fire,
"and my face was burnt off."
Jesus! That's more depressing
than the other one.
I'll get us one.
I'll get us a-one.
I'll get us a fun one.
Okay. Here we go.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"Our beloved
Golden Retriever, Furley,
"recently ran away.
"Making matters worse,
he was the one bright spot
"in the life of our
special needs daughter."
Oh, my God. Let's
Let's just go with the
With the old man
and the nursing home.
Good Lord, now,
I need a drink.
(SCREAMS)
What the (BLEEP) is this?
What is this, vodka?
Huh? (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
What? How did that
get in there?
ALEX: I'm glad you guys
were able to get in
before the storm.
They say
the Denver area might
get eight inches tonight.
Mmm, I'll give you
8 inches tonight.
(CHUCKLES)
-Are you drunk?
-What?
He says stuff like that
all the time and no one
says anything.
Ha!
So, Alex, why do you think
your dad should be
in a nursing home?
Well, he's 96.
He lives alone in a cabin
up in the mountains.
There's no heat.
So he has to chop wood
just to keep from
freezing to death.
I mean, he always forgets
to take his heart medicine.
And the nearest hospital,
it's two hours away.
And he's always been
a little crazy,
but I swear to God,
he's getting crazier
every day.
Is he single?
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry. I am drunk.
Mmm, Alex,
it's a tough situation,
but I think you're right.
You should definitely put
your father in a nursing home.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
-Dad can't go in a home.
-(SIGHS)
He needs his independence.
You take that away from him
and he'll have nothing
to live for.
Elsa.
It's a tough situation,
but I think you're right.
You should definitely
not put your father
in a nursing home.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
Fine. Then we'll have Dad
move in with you.
Oh, because with three kids
and a marriage that's
hanging on by a thread,
I don't have enough
on my plate?
Yeah. I'll put something
on your plate.
(GUFFAWS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, that's funny.
Ugh! How is that
It's timing.
You've got bad timing.
If anything, it makes
the most sense for him
to live with you, Alex.
You live alone.
And I travel all the time,
so he'd still have
no one looking after him.
Hey, I have a solution.
I think your father
should move in with us.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
-What?
-Dad!
Yeah. Yeah,
that's what we need.
That's what the team
has been missing
the entire time,
a 96-year-old man.
We can all take
turns bathing him,
feeding him, (BLEEP) him.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's very funny.
Okay. I can't.
Well, have you asked
your father what he wants?
He doesn't know
what's good for him.
And he's crazy.
He's not crazy,
he's eccentric.
He spends all his time
up there
looking for
the Abominable Snowman.
He is crazy!
(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.
He should live with me.
(SOBBING)
There, there. We'll figure out
what to do about Pop-pop.
We should have gone with
the special needs kid.
(SIGHS)
He's still not picking up.
Dad, it's Elsa and Alex again.
And the Mystery Team again.
We're almost at the cabin.
I hope you're okay.
Call me when you get this.
Oh, jeez.
When was the last time
you talked to him?
-It's been a few days.
-(SIGHS)
Can you seriously
not move your seat up?
I told you,
I can't reach the handle.
It's not my fault Alex didn't
spring for power seats.
(SCOFFS)
Why is the smallest person
sitting up there anyway?
He called shotgun.
And when you call shotgun,
you get shotgun.
Does anyone know where
the term "Riding shotgun"
comes from?
Okay. Well, I'll tell you.
MARQUESS: It comes
from the Old West.
When the settlers were riding
in their covered wagons,
they always had someone
sit up next to the driver
holding a shotgun.
Yeah, to protect them
from bandits.
And that is where the term
"Shotgun" comes from.
Really? It's not from me
wanting to put a shotgun
in my mouth
while you were
telling that story?
(WIND WHISTLING)
-Why is the front door open?
-Oh, God.
(ELSA CRYING)
Daddy.
There, there. It's okay.
At least now
you don't have to decide
if your dad
should live with you,
or if he should be
put into a nursing home.
Because he's dead.
And so, now,
all you have to decide now is
what you're gonna do
with his frozen body.
(SOBBING)
If it's any consolation,
they say that
freezing to death
is one of the most
painless ways to go.
Or maybe it's one of the most
painful ways to go.
I mean, his face looks like
it was excruciating.
(ELSA CRYING)
Ah What?
Hello?
Uh, this is Alex Schmidt.
There has been a death.
My father has passed away.
His name was
Hermann Schmidt, yes.
The cabin at the end of
Pine Bluff Road.
-Okay, thanks. We'll be here.
-MIKE: Whoa!
What's all this shit?
The Abominable Snowman?
My dad was obsessed.
(SCOFFS) But I suppose
there are worse things
he could have done
with his life.
-(GASPS)
-(DOOR RUMBLING)
-Heil Hitler!
-ALEX: What the
(RECORDING PLAYING)
Pop-pop!
(GASPS)
What the hell is this?
It looks like it's
your dad's secret Nazi room.
This can't be possible.
Your dad was crazy, all right.
But not because he believes
in the Abominable Snowman.
No, it's because he wanted to
exterminate the Jewish people,
which, if you ask me,
I believe is
much more abominable
than the Abominable Snowman.
You know,
my mother was Jewish?
Hmm, well, that means
you're Jewish.
(SCREAMING)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(GASPS)
(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(CRYING) Oh, my
(ROARING)
(BONES CRUNCHING)
(GROWLING)
I don't know why
everyone is in such a mood.
If you wanted shotgun,
you should have just
called shotgun.
I went there and
I was skiing, and, um
Skiing wasn't
the difficult part.
The difficult part
is stopping.
So, I'm coming down
this little mountain,
and this is
the second big mountain,
sliding down,
balancing myself out
You know, I was good
at really balancing myself.
So I'm coming down,
and as soon as
I came down the hill,
I hit the concrete.
And once the ski
hit the concrete,
it stops and you keep going.
And, so, that's what
happened to me.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-What is that?
-Leftovers. Chinese food.
-Why? Do you want it?
-(WINGS FLUTTERING)
Hey, what the hell?
Get the (BLEEP) away from me.
Ah, he wants
to be your friend.
Yeah, I already have
enough friends I don't like.
(MARQUESS HUMMING)
Are you drinking wine?
What? It's the weekend.
Dad, we got a new mystery.
Damn, they sure like
that orange chicken.
I wonder, do they know that
they're eating their cousins?
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"My sister Elsa and I
are struggling to figure out
"what to do with
our 96-year-old father.
"I think we need to put him
in a nursing home,
"but Elsa worries that
if we do,
"he'll lose the will to live.
"Can you help us decide?
"Sincerely, Alex Schmidt."
Oh, God, that's depressing.
Are we allowed to pick
another one?
Yeah, I guess we could
pick another one.
Whoo, this'll be fun!
(CHUCKLES) Cheers, team.
You know,
it's 10:00 in the morning.
What? You never heard
of a little white wine
with brunch?
We're not eating brunch.
(SCOFFS)
-She can be a real (BLEEP).
-YUNG: Oh, my God.
Okay, how about this one?
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I don't have
anyone else to turn to.
"My husband was just laid off,
"and we're so far behind
on our mortgage
"that the bank is threatening
to take our home.
"I would go back to work,
"but I'm afraid
I was just injured,
"and in a fire,
"and my face was burnt off."
Jesus! That's more depressing
than the other one.
I'll get us one.
I'll get us a-one.
I'll get us a fun one.
Okay. Here we go.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"Our beloved
Golden Retriever, Furley,
"recently ran away.
"Making matters worse,
he was the one bright spot
"in the life of our
special needs daughter."
Oh, my God. Let's
Let's just go with the
With the old man
and the nursing home.
Good Lord, now,
I need a drink.
(SCREAMS)
What the (BLEEP) is this?
What is this, vodka?
Huh? (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
What? How did that
get in there?
ALEX: I'm glad you guys
were able to get in
before the storm.
They say
the Denver area might
get eight inches tonight.
Mmm, I'll give you
8 inches tonight.
(CHUCKLES)
-Are you drunk?
-What?
He says stuff like that
all the time and no one
says anything.
Ha!
So, Alex, why do you think
your dad should be
in a nursing home?
Well, he's 96.
He lives alone in a cabin
up in the mountains.
There's no heat.
So he has to chop wood
just to keep from
freezing to death.
I mean, he always forgets
to take his heart medicine.
And the nearest hospital,
it's two hours away.
And he's always been
a little crazy,
but I swear to God,
he's getting crazier
every day.
Is he single?
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry. I am drunk.
Mmm, Alex,
it's a tough situation,
but I think you're right.
You should definitely put
your father in a nursing home.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
-Dad can't go in a home.
-(SIGHS)
He needs his independence.
You take that away from him
and he'll have nothing
to live for.
Elsa.
It's a tough situation,
but I think you're right.
You should definitely
not put your father
in a nursing home.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
Fine. Then we'll have Dad
move in with you.
Oh, because with three kids
and a marriage that's
hanging on by a thread,
I don't have enough
on my plate?
Yeah. I'll put something
on your plate.
(GUFFAWS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, that's funny.
Ugh! How is that
It's timing.
You've got bad timing.
If anything, it makes
the most sense for him
to live with you, Alex.
You live alone.
And I travel all the time,
so he'd still have
no one looking after him.
Hey, I have a solution.
I think your father
should move in with us.
No ifs, ands, and buts.
-What?
-Dad!
Yeah. Yeah,
that's what we need.
That's what the team
has been missing
the entire time,
a 96-year-old man.
We can all take
turns bathing him,
feeding him, (BLEEP) him.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's very funny.
Okay. I can't.
Well, have you asked
your father what he wants?
He doesn't know
what's good for him.
And he's crazy.
He's not crazy,
he's eccentric.
He spends all his time
up there
looking for
the Abominable Snowman.
He is crazy!
(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.
He should live with me.
(SOBBING)
There, there. We'll figure out
what to do about Pop-pop.
We should have gone with
the special needs kid.
(SIGHS)
He's still not picking up.
Dad, it's Elsa and Alex again.
And the Mystery Team again.
We're almost at the cabin.
I hope you're okay.
Call me when you get this.
Oh, jeez.
When was the last time
you talked to him?
-It's been a few days.
-(SIGHS)
Can you seriously
not move your seat up?
I told you,
I can't reach the handle.
It's not my fault Alex didn't
spring for power seats.
(SCOFFS)
Why is the smallest person
sitting up there anyway?
He called shotgun.
And when you call shotgun,
you get shotgun.
Does anyone know where
the term "Riding shotgun"
comes from?
Okay. Well, I'll tell you.
MARQUESS: It comes
from the Old West.
When the settlers were riding
in their covered wagons,
they always had someone
sit up next to the driver
holding a shotgun.
Yeah, to protect them
from bandits.
And that is where the term
"Shotgun" comes from.
Really? It's not from me
wanting to put a shotgun
in my mouth
while you were
telling that story?
(WIND WHISTLING)
-Why is the front door open?
-Oh, God.
(ELSA CRYING)
Daddy.
There, there. It's okay.
At least now
you don't have to decide
if your dad
should live with you,
or if he should be
put into a nursing home.
Because he's dead.
And so, now,
all you have to decide now is
what you're gonna do
with his frozen body.
(SOBBING)
If it's any consolation,
they say that
freezing to death
is one of the most
painless ways to go.
Or maybe it's one of the most
painful ways to go.
I mean, his face looks like
it was excruciating.
(ELSA CRYING)
Ah What?
Hello?
Uh, this is Alex Schmidt.
There has been a death.
My father has passed away.
His name was
Hermann Schmidt, yes.
The cabin at the end of
Pine Bluff Road.
-Okay, thanks. We'll be here.
-MIKE: Whoa!
What's all this shit?
The Abominable Snowman?
My dad was obsessed.
(SCOFFS) But I suppose
there are worse things
he could have done
with his life.
-(GASPS)
-(DOOR RUMBLING)
-Heil Hitler!
-ALEX: What the
(RECORDING PLAYING)
Pop-pop!
(GASPS)
What the hell is this?
It looks like it's
your dad's secret Nazi room.
This can't be possible.
Your dad was crazy, all right.
But not because he believes
in the Abominable Snowman.
No, it's because he wanted to
exterminate the Jewish people,
which, if you ask me,
I believe is
much more abominable
than the Abominable Snowman.
You know,
my mother was Jewish?
Hmm, well, that means
you're Jewish.
(SCREAMING)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(GASPS)
(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING IN GERMAN)
(CRYING) Oh, my
(ROARING)
(BONES CRUNCHING)
(GROWLING)
I don't know why
everyone is in such a mood.
If you wanted shotgun,
you should have just
called shotgun.
I went there and
I was skiing, and, um
Skiing wasn't
the difficult part.
The difficult part
is stopping.
So, I'm coming down
this little mountain,
and this is
the second big mountain,
sliding down,
balancing myself out
You know, I was good
at really balancing myself.
So I'm coming down,
and as soon as
I came down the hill,
I hit the concrete.
And once the ski
hit the concrete,
it stops and you keep going.
And, so, that's what
happened to me.