Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e06 Episode Script
Jason B. Sucks
1
(THEME MUSIC
PLAYING)
(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(MOUSE
CLICKING)
MARQUESS:
Ooh, how about this place?
It gets great reviews.
YUNG HEE: Mmm, I don't think
I want French. Too much cream.
You don't hear Marquess
complaining about
too much cream.
Oh. Is that a joke
about me being fat?
No! It's a joke
about you guzzling (BLEEP).
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
-(PIGEON CHUCKLES)
What about this one?
MARQUESS: (GROANING)
Samantha D says, "Overpriced
and terrible service.
"Will not be back."
MIKE:
What the (BLEEP) is this?
Online reviews of
local businesses.
Are we on here?
Huh.
Oh! Here we are.
We have one review.
Jason B.
"The real mystery with the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team is
"where the hell are they?
I asked for their help
and never heard back.
(MARQUESS READING)
"but they're never getting
mine again, and if"
(MARQUESS READING)
Jason B is full of (BLEEP).
We never ignore
a good mystery.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
So are we going to
the French place?
No message. No message.
No message.
I told you
it wasn't our fault.
What the hell is that
noxious odor?
MARQUESS: Oh, dear.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Ah, it's so faded I can
barely make out any of it.
"Something, something urgent,
something life and death,
something, something,
"please hurry." Oh. Uh oh.
It seems to be signed by Jason
something and it looks like
it starts with a "B".
Ah, I guess it
was our fault.
How is it our fault?
Because of one pigeon
getting his fat ass
caught in the door?
You ever heard of
the expression
"Send another pigeon,
mother (BLEEP)"?
What?
Social media makes it too
easy for pussies to hide
behind their (BLEEP).
What are these expressions?
All I'm saying is that
business is only as good
as its reputation.
That's what I'm saying.
Right, but we're not really
a business.
I mean it's not like we're
getting paid.
I pay Pigeon $65,000 a year.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, don't look at me.
Just because you
two never thought
to have that conversation.
MIKE: Who are you, Jason B?
And where do you live?
And how can I get you to take
down this negative review?
The answer to all three,
I don't give a (BLEEP).
Okay. We know he's reviewed
two other business besides us.
His first was from six weeks
ago for a dry cleaners,
which he loves, five stars.
That's on Cashman Drive.
Hey, are those the pins from
your vision board, Marquess?
You know, the one with all
those (BLEEP) on it?
Okay. Very funny.
Jason B also reviewed
Belle's Frozen Yogurt
which he says, "Hands down,
the best froyo in town."
It's on South Rancho Drive
So those (BLEEP) pictures are
just all over the floor, now?
Well, that doesn't seem right.
-Stop it.
-Okay.
We're gonna have to split up
and stake out both places.
Who wants to go where?
YUNG HEE: Uh
Can't you guys do this
somewhere else?
Well, this is the only room in
the house with a cork board.
Then can we move
the cork board?
Oh, yeah. I guess we could
move the cork board.
Or just, I don't know,
get another one.
Because I do like
having it here.
I never took you for one of
those girls who's comfortable
shitting in front of people.
Ugh. I wasn't shitting.
(OBNOXIOUS LAUGH)
Ha. This is like
our first date.
I would never go
on a date with you.
Oh. Well, maybe you should
have mentioned that
before I bought your
(BLEEP) yogurt.
(MARQUESS GROANS)
I should have gone to the
froyo place.
I worked out today.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I have a question for you.
Have you seen this
piece of shit?
No.
Okay. Then I have another
question for you.
This track suit I'm wearing
says to wash with like colors,
but I don't have
anything else this color,
so I've just never washed it.
Michael!
Where are your clothes?
Oh, so if we're going to sit
here just waiting for this
mother (BLEEP),
I might as well get my
track suit cleaned.
You know what? (BLEEP) it.
I want the froyo.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
-(WATER RUNNING)
-(DISHES CLANGING)
(MARQUESS SIGHS)
I can't believe
I ate all that.
But that's what I do.
I deprive myself,
and then I binge.
And then I hate myself,
and I do it all over again.
I'll tell you what
I can't believe.
We wait there all day
and Jason B never went
to either place.
Well, what I can't believe
is Yung Hee let me pay
for her yogurt,
but then won't let me
play with her tits.
Which is fine. It's fine.
But at least blow me,
am I right, I mean?
Does it ever enter your mind
that that is her father.
Well, I'm going to bed.
(NICELY)
Good night, Pigeon.
(HARSHLY)
Everybody else,
good night.
Damn you, Jason B!
Ah! Oh, God!
Marquess, what are
you doing up?
Well, the day was
a wash anyways
so what's another
3,000 calories?
What are you doing?
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm going to call every
Jason B in the phonebook.
Every second that
negative review is up
is a second that we could lose
a customer to
another Mystery Team.
Oh. You think there
are other Mystery Teams? Okay.
Hey, are you the
Jason B that wrote a
negative report about the
Mike Tyson team online?
You're that Jason B?
Get the (BLEEP) out of here!
You're the first
Jason B I called.
I thought this was gonna be
an all-night thing, man.
God (BLEEP), Marquess, can
you believe this (BLEEP)?
-(DIAL TONE)
-Oh, hell no. Hell no.
He did not do that.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Couldn't this have
waited till the morning?
Open the door,
mother (BLEEP)!
-Okay.
-(BANGING ON DOOR)
MIKE: Mother (BLEEP),
open this door, right now!
Oh, my God.
What do you want?
You want to know what I want?
Take that damn review down.
Why? You ruined my life!
Oh, my goodness,
exaggerate much?
My wife died because of you.
-(GASPS)
-What?
Well, in that case maybe
you're not exaggerating.
My wife was an architect.
She had been commissioned by
this rich Eastern European guy
to design a castle.
But I got the feeling there
was something
not right about him.
And as crazy as this sounds,
I started to think
he was a vampire.
Sarah didn't believe
me at first,
but I knew I was right.
I just needed proof.
That's when I asked
for your help.
I waited and waited,
but you never got back to me.
And then
-It was too late.
-(MOANING)
My wife is now one
of the undead
-who feeds on the living.
-(HISSES)
-MARQUESS: That's horrible.
-PIGEON: Good Lord.
And?
And what?
What happened to the castle?
Did she finish
the castle or not?
Man, I mean, learn how to tell
your (BLEEP) story, all right?
I'll give you a (BLEEP)
negative review on your story,
you piece of
What are you doing?
If he's not going to take
down that negative report,
then we're going to do
it for him.
But be real discreet.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(MONITOR BEEPS)
Oh, Mike must have
been thinking of "discrete,"
D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E,
as opposed to "discreet,"
D-I-S-C-R-E-E-T.
Which is, of course, what we
assumed he meant,
which is to be quiet,
inconspicuous, discreet.
But I guess Mike wanted to be
distinct, individual.
That's not what that means.
It means like, uh, separate,
or, you know, disconnected
from one another.
No.
But it does also mean
individual, singular.
-Hey!
-(ALL GASPING)
-Ahhh!
-(GUNSHOT)
(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)
Uh-oh.
Oh, my God. You killed him.
He scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
Where did you get that gun?
My pocket!
Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
Okay, the cops are
going to be here soon.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We gotta to chop up his body,
see, we need garbage bags,
we need
We need a saw!
An ax. We need an ax!
We're gonna need, uh, bleach.
A (BLEEP) load of bleach.
'Cause we gotta clean up
all this (BLEEP) blood.
-(YUNG HEE GASPS)
-What?
YUNG HEE: Where'd he go?
-Wait!
-(ALL SCREAM)
(GUNSHOTS)
MARQUESS: Pigeon,
stop shooting!
Why won't you die?
Because I must
already be dead.
Maybe Sarah bit me the
last time we made love.
We both enjoy pretty
rough sex, so
I didn't think anything
of it at the time.
But it looks like
I'm a vampire, too.
Thank you, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
I'm off to Romania to
find my beautiful Sarah.
(SHOUTING)
Hey, wait man, before you go,
take down that review!
Oh, man, what an asshole.
-(GUNSHOT)
-(ALL GASPING)
Oops. Guess I had
another bullet in there.
Do you want to be internal
Do you want to
live for eternity?
Allow me to induce
my, my, my,
fangs in your veins.
I will suck your blood.
(THEME MUSIC
PLAYING)
(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(MOUSE
CLICKING)
MARQUESS:
Ooh, how about this place?
It gets great reviews.
YUNG HEE: Mmm, I don't think
I want French. Too much cream.
You don't hear Marquess
complaining about
too much cream.
Oh. Is that a joke
about me being fat?
No! It's a joke
about you guzzling (BLEEP).
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
-(PIGEON CHUCKLES)
What about this one?
MARQUESS: (GROANING)
Samantha D says, "Overpriced
and terrible service.
"Will not be back."
MIKE:
What the (BLEEP) is this?
Online reviews of
local businesses.
Are we on here?
Huh.
Oh! Here we are.
We have one review.
Jason B.
"The real mystery with the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team is
"where the hell are they?
I asked for their help
and never heard back.
(MARQUESS READING)
"but they're never getting
mine again, and if"
(MARQUESS READING)
Jason B is full of (BLEEP).
We never ignore
a good mystery.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
So are we going to
the French place?
No message. No message.
No message.
I told you
it wasn't our fault.
What the hell is that
noxious odor?
MARQUESS: Oh, dear.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Ah, it's so faded I can
barely make out any of it.
"Something, something urgent,
something life and death,
something, something,
"please hurry." Oh. Uh oh.
It seems to be signed by Jason
something and it looks like
it starts with a "B".
Ah, I guess it
was our fault.
How is it our fault?
Because of one pigeon
getting his fat ass
caught in the door?
You ever heard of
the expression
"Send another pigeon,
mother (BLEEP)"?
What?
Social media makes it too
easy for pussies to hide
behind their (BLEEP).
What are these expressions?
All I'm saying is that
business is only as good
as its reputation.
That's what I'm saying.
Right, but we're not really
a business.
I mean it's not like we're
getting paid.
I pay Pigeon $65,000 a year.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, don't look at me.
Just because you
two never thought
to have that conversation.
MIKE: Who are you, Jason B?
And where do you live?
And how can I get you to take
down this negative review?
The answer to all three,
I don't give a (BLEEP).
Okay. We know he's reviewed
two other business besides us.
His first was from six weeks
ago for a dry cleaners,
which he loves, five stars.
That's on Cashman Drive.
Hey, are those the pins from
your vision board, Marquess?
You know, the one with all
those (BLEEP) on it?
Okay. Very funny.
Jason B also reviewed
Belle's Frozen Yogurt
which he says, "Hands down,
the best froyo in town."
It's on South Rancho Drive
So those (BLEEP) pictures are
just all over the floor, now?
Well, that doesn't seem right.
-Stop it.
-Okay.
We're gonna have to split up
and stake out both places.
Who wants to go where?
YUNG HEE: Uh
Can't you guys do this
somewhere else?
Well, this is the only room in
the house with a cork board.
Then can we move
the cork board?
Oh, yeah. I guess we could
move the cork board.
Or just, I don't know,
get another one.
Because I do like
having it here.
I never took you for one of
those girls who's comfortable
shitting in front of people.
Ugh. I wasn't shitting.
(OBNOXIOUS LAUGH)
Ha. This is like
our first date.
I would never go
on a date with you.
Oh. Well, maybe you should
have mentioned that
before I bought your
(BLEEP) yogurt.
(MARQUESS GROANS)
I should have gone to the
froyo place.
I worked out today.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I have a question for you.
Have you seen this
piece of shit?
No.
Okay. Then I have another
question for you.
This track suit I'm wearing
says to wash with like colors,
but I don't have
anything else this color,
so I've just never washed it.
Michael!
Where are your clothes?
Oh, so if we're going to sit
here just waiting for this
mother (BLEEP),
I might as well get my
track suit cleaned.
You know what? (BLEEP) it.
I want the froyo.
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
-(WATER RUNNING)
-(DISHES CLANGING)
(MARQUESS SIGHS)
I can't believe
I ate all that.
But that's what I do.
I deprive myself,
and then I binge.
And then I hate myself,
and I do it all over again.
I'll tell you what
I can't believe.
We wait there all day
and Jason B never went
to either place.
Well, what I can't believe
is Yung Hee let me pay
for her yogurt,
but then won't let me
play with her tits.
Which is fine. It's fine.
But at least blow me,
am I right, I mean?
Does it ever enter your mind
that that is her father.
Well, I'm going to bed.
(NICELY)
Good night, Pigeon.
(HARSHLY)
Everybody else,
good night.
Damn you, Jason B!
Ah! Oh, God!
Marquess, what are
you doing up?
Well, the day was
a wash anyways
so what's another
3,000 calories?
What are you doing?
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm going to call every
Jason B in the phonebook.
Every second that
negative review is up
is a second that we could lose
a customer to
another Mystery Team.
Oh. You think there
are other Mystery Teams? Okay.
Hey, are you the
Jason B that wrote a
negative report about the
Mike Tyson team online?
You're that Jason B?
Get the (BLEEP) out of here!
You're the first
Jason B I called.
I thought this was gonna be
an all-night thing, man.
God (BLEEP), Marquess, can
you believe this (BLEEP)?
-(DIAL TONE)
-Oh, hell no. Hell no.
He did not do that.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Couldn't this have
waited till the morning?
Open the door,
mother (BLEEP)!
-Okay.
-(BANGING ON DOOR)
MIKE: Mother (BLEEP),
open this door, right now!
Oh, my God.
What do you want?
You want to know what I want?
Take that damn review down.
Why? You ruined my life!
Oh, my goodness,
exaggerate much?
My wife died because of you.
-(GASPS)
-What?
Well, in that case maybe
you're not exaggerating.
My wife was an architect.
She had been commissioned by
this rich Eastern European guy
to design a castle.
But I got the feeling there
was something
not right about him.
And as crazy as this sounds,
I started to think
he was a vampire.
Sarah didn't believe
me at first,
but I knew I was right.
I just needed proof.
That's when I asked
for your help.
I waited and waited,
but you never got back to me.
And then
-It was too late.
-(MOANING)
My wife is now one
of the undead
-who feeds on the living.
-(HISSES)
-MARQUESS: That's horrible.
-PIGEON: Good Lord.
And?
And what?
What happened to the castle?
Did she finish
the castle or not?
Man, I mean, learn how to tell
your (BLEEP) story, all right?
I'll give you a (BLEEP)
negative review on your story,
you piece of
What are you doing?
If he's not going to take
down that negative report,
then we're going to do
it for him.
But be real discreet.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(MONITOR BEEPS)
Oh, Mike must have
been thinking of "discrete,"
D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E,
as opposed to "discreet,"
D-I-S-C-R-E-E-T.
Which is, of course, what we
assumed he meant,
which is to be quiet,
inconspicuous, discreet.
But I guess Mike wanted to be
distinct, individual.
That's not what that means.
It means like, uh, separate,
or, you know, disconnected
from one another.
No.
But it does also mean
individual, singular.
-Hey!
-(ALL GASPING)
-Ahhh!
-(GUNSHOT)
(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)
Uh-oh.
Oh, my God. You killed him.
He scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
Where did you get that gun?
My pocket!
Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
Okay, the cops are
going to be here soon.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We gotta to chop up his body,
see, we need garbage bags,
we need
We need a saw!
An ax. We need an ax!
We're gonna need, uh, bleach.
A (BLEEP) load of bleach.
'Cause we gotta clean up
all this (BLEEP) blood.
-(YUNG HEE GASPS)
-What?
YUNG HEE: Where'd he go?
-Wait!
-(ALL SCREAM)
(GUNSHOTS)
MARQUESS: Pigeon,
stop shooting!
Why won't you die?
Because I must
already be dead.
Maybe Sarah bit me the
last time we made love.
We both enjoy pretty
rough sex, so
I didn't think anything
of it at the time.
But it looks like
I'm a vampire, too.
Thank you, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
I'm off to Romania to
find my beautiful Sarah.
(SHOUTING)
Hey, wait man, before you go,
take down that review!
Oh, man, what an asshole.
-(GUNSHOT)
-(ALL GASPING)
Oops. Guess I had
another bullet in there.
Do you want to be internal
Do you want to
live for eternity?
Allow me to induce
my, my, my,
fangs in your veins.
I will suck your blood.