Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

1
(LAUGHS)
What are you doing?
Mike forgot to log out.
"TGIF"? It's Wednesday.
I know.
That's what makes it funny.
-No. I don't feel
comfortable with this.
-(CHUCKLES)
Do you know how many times
a day you say that?
Jeez, who are
all these people?
Mike's not really friends
with any of these people.
Like, check this out.
"Caroline Nuberry.
"Last night, my mother,
Paula Jean Nuberry, passed
away peacefully in her sleep.
"I know eventually the pain
will subside, but for now
it is unbearable."
Good lord. And 83 "likes"?
Why would someone "like" this?
Her mother dies
and you like it?
"Caroline Nuberry.
"Last night, my mother,
Paula Jean Nuberry, passed
away peacefully in her sleep.
"I know eventually the pain
will subside, but for now
it is unbearable."
Oh, poor Caroline.
Like.
Hey, Yung. Get in here.
We have a new mystery.
Okay, team. Gather around.
Hey, how come you never
go skinny dipping? Huh?
-It's your house.
-Actually, I was
skinny dipping.
Yeah, with some
of my girlfriends.
I just put this bathing suit
on right before I walked in.
It was super fun.
We were just out there,
splashing around,
touching each other, giggling.
It was very erotic.
I'm sorry you missed it.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
I'm an owner of a successful,
gourmet sandwich shop
"in Boston, Massachusetts.
But ever since we moved
into our new location,
"business has all
but stopped. The stores
around us are thriving,
"so it doesn't make sense.
Could my new location
be cursed?
"Please help. Sincerely,
Molly Gibson."
Huh? I wonder why no one
will come in her shop.
Oh, I'll (BLEEP)
in her shop, all right.
Ah. What does that even mean?
Means I'll ejaculate all over
her dirty little shop.
-Ugh.
-PIGEON: Yeah, that's right.
Okay, guys.
To the Mystery Mobile.
Let's go!
Wait. We're driving?
To Boston?
Good God.
That'll take 30 hours.
Come on, men, it'll be a great
bonding experience for us.
GPS VOICE:
Keep left at the fork.
Continue on I-70 East
for 743 miles.
-Can you at least
turn on the radio?
-Radio's broke.
Oh.
Oh! How about
the alphabet game? I'll start.
You'll see how it goes.
A, my name is Andrew.
-My wife's name is Alice.
-(CHUCKLES) Your wife?
-MARQUESS: Okay, can
I just please
-That's a laugh.
-Can I please?
-Yeah. You, you have
a wife in this?
Okay, yes,
in this scenario,
I have a wife. Stop it.
-Okay, sure.
-Here we go.
-A, my name is Andrew.
My wife's name is Alice.
-(PIGEON LAUGHS)
-Stop it.
-PIGEON: Wife! Wife.
We live in Arkansas
and we sell apples.
-With you wife?
-No, stop it.
-(PIGEON LAUGHS)
-Your turn, Yung.
Okay, um.
B, my name is Beatrice.
My husband's name is Bobby.
We live in Bermuda,
-and we sell basketballs.
-MARQUESS: Good.
Okay. Pigeon?
All right. Um.
C, my name is (BLEEP).
My wife's name is (BLEEP).
We live in (BLEEP) town,
and we sell (BLEEP).
(LAUGHS)
-And basketballs.
-(MARQUESS SCOFFS)
GPS VOICE: Keep left to remain
on I-70 East, and continue
for 741 miles.
(SNORING)
(SNORING)
-(CAR HORN BLARING)
-(ALL GASPING)
-Sorry to startle you.
I'm Molly.
-Oh, good morning, ma'am.
We got in real late last
night, and I left my wallet
in my other pants' pocket
and we couldn't
get into the hotel room.
And, um, we left your number,
so we couldn't call you.
-Anyway, can we all use your
bathroom real quick, ma'am?
-Oh, go.
YUNG: Dad, ladies first.
MARQUESS: You have no idea
how bad that van smells.
Mmm. This is delicious,
and huge. I can't even get
my mouth around it.
Yeah, well, you've had
bigger things in that mouth.
-What does that even mean?
-(BLEEP)!
It means you've had
big (BLEEP) in your mouth.
-MARQUESS: Oh, my goodness.
-(STAMMERS) It really is
all so delicious.
I'm telling you,
it's this location. There must
be something wrong with it.
I haven't sold a sandwich
since I moved in.
You're not expecting us to pay
for this, are you? I mean,
this is research.
Do you know anything about
the history of the building?
No. Just that these buildings
along Newbury Street
are hundreds of years old.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I swear sometimes
I can hear this
plaintive wail.
Whoa.
Well, maybe we can
find something out at
the hall of records.
You guys go to the hall
of records while I ask around
and see if any of these
other businesses know
anything, you know?
-Do you want one of us
to go with you?
-(DOOR OPENS)
We were all
in a car together
for 30 hours, Marquess.
Why do you gotta be so clingy?
What's the point of going
to the hall of records
when all they do
is tell us to go
on the Internet?
-Shh!
-I mean everything
we've done so far,
we could have done from
our God (BLEEP) living room.
-Shh!
-What are you shushing me for?
It's the hall of records,
it's not a library.
And I don't even know
why do you have to be quiet
in the library anymore.
I mean, the only people
who go there now are
homeless guys looking at porno
-and stuff like that
-Oh, here we go.
It was built in 1869 and was,
at the time, Boston's biggest
whale oil extractory.
Oh, my. I lived near
one of those in London.
It was a foul place.
They would cut the blubber
off those poor dead whales
and cook it in fats
to extract their oil.
Oh, and look at this. In 1880,
there was an oil fire
and the building
was engulfed in flames.
All of the immigrant Gypsy
workers were burned alive.
My God, that's awful.
"A sister of one
of the victims,
"Nadia Pavlova,
arrived at the scene,
and shouted a Gypsy curse
"upon the smoldering ruins.
"'In the name of my brother,
Tobar Pavlova, I curse these
grounds forever more'."
CLERK: Sir? Sir?
PIGEON: What?
-What? Easy, fella.
-You cannot look
at pornography
on these computers.
MARQUESS: You went shopping?
I didn't just go shopping.
I also found out
no information.
I thought you forgot
your wallet.
That's what's so great
about being Mike Tyson.
You take a couple of pictures
here, give them one
or two of these,
give them one of those,
and bang, bang, boom,
$600 loafers, buddy.
-Well, they are undeniably
good-looking.
-Thank you, Pigeon.
They hurt like (BLEEP),
but, you know,
you gotta suffer for fashion.
Dad, we figured out why
no one will go in there.
The building really is cursed.
Damn. Okay, you know what?
Maybe I should go
over there to Versace
and see if I can find out
some more information.
And get some pants, too,
to go with these loafers.
Michael, we need to try
and lift the curse.
Wait! What about your ex-wife?
Who, Sandra?
-She cursed you and turned you
into a pigeon, right?
-Yeah.
(STAMMERS)
No. No, I'm not
calling Sandra.
But she could be
our only hope.
Yeah. Yeah, listen.
If I'm gonna ask
Sandra for a favor,
it's gonna be to
turn me back into a man,
not to help some dumb bitch
who makes sandwiches.
Just seeing if you guys
were hungry.
What about you, Marquess?
You're a ghost.
-You're into voodoo and shit.
-No, I'm not.
Yeah, but you're into, like,
um, you know, witchcraft,
and dark arts, right?
-Aren't you?
-What? No.
-Man, so you're just a ghost
that does nothing?
-Well, that's just hurtful.
Someone please do something.
Well, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I did attend a seance once
for the Duchess of Abernathy.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here.
Here's that name
you dropped.
(CHUCKLES)
"Duchess of Abernathy." Jesus!
Oh, like that anyone knows
who I'm talking about.
Okay. Everyone join hands
and close your eyes.
-Pigeon.
-What? Believe me,
she wasn't complaining.
Our beloved!
We bring you gifts
from life into death!
Commune with us,
and move among us.
-(WAILING)
-(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God. It really
is a plaintive wail.
-(WAILING CONTINUES)
-What the (BLEEP)?
Oh, (BLEEP), Marquess,
did you hear that?
It must be the spirit
of Nadia's brother, Tobar.
We're here
to release you, Tobar.
Release you from your
internal pain and lift
the curse forever,
forevermore.
(WAILING CONTINUES)
Oh (BLEEP).
Oh (BLEEP).
It's coming.
-What's his name again?
-Tobar.
(HYPERVENTILATING)
What the (BLEEP)
kinda name is "Tobar"?
Is it a dog or something, man?
Reveal yourself, Tobar.
Your plaintive wail
has been heard.
(ALL SCREAMING)
MIKE: What the (BLEEP)?
Where's Tobar?
WHALE: I ate Tobar!
Oh, my God.
It wasn't a Gypsy's curse.
It was a whale's.
What the (BLEEP)?
What do you want, Whale?
I want what all whales want.
For humans to stop hunting us,
and using our blubber for oil.
You dumb asshole. No one
has used whale oil
in 100 goddamn years.
WHALE: Really?
Yeah. The only people
that still hunt whales
are the Japanese.
They eat the meat.
-That can't be true.
-Oh, yeah. They gobble it up.
Well, then I hereby lift
the curse from this building,
and place it on the Japanese.
-(WAILING)
-(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
Huh. I think
it was the Japanese.
Maybe the Eskimos.
Or the Inuit, whatever
they call 'em.
They eat it in Finland,
I know. Or somewhere.
Somewhere, somewhere.
-We should be clear
'cause we just cursed people.
-Well, it was somewhere.
F, my name is Frederick.
My wife's name is Frida.
We both live
in Fairbanks, Alaska.
And we both sell,
you know, bear fur.