Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e08 Episode Script

Tent Revival

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Hell no! Hell no!
-Dad, what's wrong?
-What is it, Michael?
We got termites again.
They said they got rid of 'em,
but they obviously
did not get rid of 'em.
Dad, I don't even
think it's moving.
Are you sure it's a termite?
Marquess, go float
up there and see.
Oh, I don't know
if I can go that high.
Well, you won't know
if you won't try, Marquess.
My goodness gracious!
This is our home!
You just gonna sit here
while that bug eats it all up?
Come on, Marquess,
you can do it.
PIGEON: Is one of you
shitting in the kitchen again?
(SIGHS) I can't do it.
I don't know how to go up.
Yeah, you just, you just
You just know how to go
down, right? (LAUGHS)
What are you
even talking about?
Like, get down on your knees.
(BLEEP) man, I'm
What is wrong with you?
Pigeon, we think
we got termites again.
Fly up there and see
if that's a termite.
I can't (BLEEP) fly.
Then how do you eat?
How do you catch a prey?
Don't you swoop down
and eat worms and mices,
and little (BLEEP) critters?
I eat the same
(BLEEP) you eat.
I'm a human being.
I came in here for
a (BLEEP) bowl of cereal.
Now, one of you
insensitive assholes is gonna
put this in a bowl for me?
Has anyone noticed,
I don't have (BLEEP) hands?
(BLEEP), you guys are rude.
What? You just told me
I (BLEEP) men off
and I'm rude. Okay.
it's a defense mechanism,
you (BLEEPING) eater
I'm the victim here.
I'm (BLEEP) handicapped!
If I was in
a (BLEEP) wheelchair,
you assholes would be
falling all over yourselves
to pour me cereal.
Is that what I need to do?
Get a little wheelchair to
remind you that I'm disabled?
I don't know
about a wheelchair,
but I think Pigeon would
look cute in a little car,
you know,
like a little
remote control sports car.
I bet if we can each
put in five bucks,
we can get him one.
You know, that would be fun
to, you know, to watch
that Pigeon ride
around in a little car.
Like, when you know,
um, when they show on
the news like, something like
a squirrel, you know,
riding around
on a skate board.
Now, that shit is cute.
Well, the good news is
that's not a termite.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
It looks like spaghetti sauce.
Maybe a little
cooking splatter.
But the bad news is, I did
see termites in the attic.
We got an attic? Ooh.
Well, team, say good-bye
to the house.
We got to burn it down.
What? No, we can tent it.
Uh-huh. I'm listening.
Specialized tarps are placed
over the entire structure.
They're weighted at the bottom
to create a seal
and hold in the fumigant,
penetrating all
wood timbers, trim,
finished wood and furniture,
as well as
hard-to-treat wall studs.
You can safely
return home in 2-3 days.
I'm sorry I wasn't listening.
Could you please repeat that?
Well, specialized tarps
are placed over
the entire structure.
They're weighted at the bottom
to create a seal
and hold in the fumigant,
penetrating all
wood timbers, trim,
finished wood and furniture,
as well as
hard-to-treat wall studs.
You can safely
return home in 2-3 days.
Okay, that time
I was listening.
But I stopped listening
sometime in the middle.
Maybe one more time?
Third time's a charm?
Specialized tarps are
Can you believe
how many times I got
that (BLEEP) to say that?
YUNG: Wait.
What are we doing here?
I thought we were
going to a hotel.
MIKE: We're not going anywhere
till we change out of these
termite-infested clothes.
YUNG: What?
MARQUESS: Termites
don't eat clothing.
Oh, I'm sorry, Marquess,
are you an expert in termites?
Did you go to college
and major in termites?
No, you went to
Cambridge University in 1864,
and left two years later,
without a degree.
I read it on the Internet.
Oh, you read it, Michael?
I also read on there
something very upsetting about
you and this great poet
Oscar Wilde.
But that is a conversation
for another day.
I got some old stuff
in here we can wear.
Can't we just go to the mall
and buy new stuff?
Yung, I'm already
spending $3,000
to have a fumigant
dispensed into our house,
so it can penetrate
all of our wood timbers
and hard-to-treat wall studs.
No, we wear my old shit.
Everyone take your
clothes off now!
-PIGEON: Don't talk back
to your father!
I'm not getting naked.
Especially not
in front of him.
I mean, this is ridiculous.
Marquess, you agree
with me, right?
Holy lord! Why is your body
so perfect? What's that for?
Wow! Do you just stare
at yourself in the mirror?
I mean, that is
a great-looking body.
-Thank you.
-(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Whoa!
To think this whole time,
I've been jacking off
to the wrong person.
-No offense, Yung.
Found it! Here's my old trunk.
A couple of old
Team Tyson t-shirts.
Man, some track pants.
Ooh! My old boom box.
Does anybody have
nine D batteries on 'em?
I bet Marquess does.
what kind of batteries
does your dildo take?
Uh, dildos don't
take batteries,
those are vibrators, so
(CHUCKLES) Joke's on you.
What? Wait, this is where
we're staying? A casino?
MIKE: By the way,
you're welcome for
giving you guys the t-shirts.
Damn, it's freezing in here!
Hot as (BLEEP) outside,
then all the places have
the AC cranked up?
Got to get the blood flowing,
gotta get warm.
WOMAN: Oh, damn!
That's Mike Tyson.
MARQUESS: Why is everyone
staring at us?
I don't know.
How come we're not playing
that boom box, Marquess?
We stopped and got
all those damn batteries.
Otherwise, that was
a wasted trip.
Oh, my God!
$2,000 for champagne?
(SIGHS) Oh, man!
I left my phone at the house.
Hope they haven't
tented it yet.
Dad, I'm going back
to the house to get my phone.
Okay, honey.
Hey! You guys wanna
go down to the pool?
I'm good, thanks. I think
I'm gonna just hit the slots.
I'd rather not be there
when he gets kicked out
of the pool for masturbating.
$28 for a chocolate bar?
Ugh, great!
It's already tented.
What the (BLEEP)?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey, baby, hold on.
-Room service!
-Oh, hey. Yeah, come on in.
-One second, honey.
Would you like for me
to leave it here
or set it up for you?
Okay, set it up please.
Dad, this is an emergency.
Would you like it
by the window,
or would you like it
by the sofa?
Oh, wow. I haven't thought
about either of those options.
Why don't you try
both places and we'll see
which one feels best?
-Just one second, baby.
MAN: Mmm-hmm.
Okay, here's option one.
Yeah, feels good,
but I worry about the glare.
Um, let's try the sofa.
Dad, there are Satanists
in our house.
Be with you
in a mere moment, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
They're doing
some crazy ritual.
-Okay, here's option two.
-This seems right
-Dad, listen.
but it just doesn't feel
special enough.
Can we try option one again?
The termite guy
is using our house
to lead some kind
of devil worship.
Holy (BLEEP)
Are you serious?
Okay, don't worry,
I'm on my way.
(GASPS) Dad!
Oh, I'm gonna beat the (BLEEP)
out of these (BLEEP).
-Can you sign, please?
-Oh, oh, of course.
Oh, oops!
I added a gratuity,
I didn't see there was
already a service charge.
Is it okay
if I just cross that out?
Seems a little
excessive, right?
You know what?
Why am I making such
a big deal out of this?
Who am I to say
you shouldn't get two tips?
I just spent $28
on a (BLEEP) candy bar.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll have to go kill
some Satanists.
Oh, no, that's nothing.
PIGEON: Get your (BLEEP)
hands off me.
MARQUESS: Oh, dear Lord.
If you don't want somebody
to masturbate by the pool,
then you put a (BLEEP) sign up
that says "Don't masturbate
by the (BLEEP) pool!"
Come on, guys!
I'm fighting tonight.
WOMAN: He, he's gonna fight.
I love you, Mike!
MAN: Come on!
Tyson's gonna fight!
The blood of a virgin
calls upon you, our dark Lord.
-Well, I'm a virgin by choice.
I mean, I could sleep
with anyone I want.
I just haven't wanted to,
so that's the only reason
I'm a virgin, you know.
And I'm sure
it's gonna happen soon,
so, you know, if
If this whole thing
is dependent on me
being a virgin,
then you guys lucked out,
because, like, tomorrow,
if I wanted to,
I could not be
a virgin anymore.
After eons of time,
I, Satan, am reborn
to usher in
an age of evil, and
Keep the (BLEEP) away from
my daughter, (BLEEP).
Get the (BLEEP)
out of my house,
you creepy (BLEEP).
I better not see a termite
or I'm gonna come
kick your ass!
Who the (BLEEP) are all y'all?
Oh, Yung. Let's get you
out of this horrible thing.
(GASPS) Oh! Oh, here.
Here, take this.
Well, well, well.
Now, I don't know
who to jack-off to.
Oh, man, look at that.
He can do donuts in this.
Look. Oh! Watch!
He's doing a donut.
Look at him doing the donut.
Wow! Come back.
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