Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e09 Episode Script
Greece Is the Word
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
COUNCILMAN: I think
they're doing it on purpose.
Hold on, Councilman.
Are you saying the unions
are using the slowdown
as a bargaining tool?
Well, it's hard to conclude
anything else.
But we don't know.
As I've said before,
it's a mystery.
I propose we attempt
to solve the mystery
by hiring an independent
mystery team
and then have that
mystery team report
their findings back to us.
Hmm. Now, that is interesting.
I've heard very good things
about the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
-The boxer?
-Uh, yes.
Although, I believe he's
He's retired from boxing.
All right.
All those in favor of hiring
the Mike Tyson Mystery
to look into the slowdown
at the Port of Los Angeles
say "Aye."
Those opposed, say "Nay."
-(TV PLAYING)
-Mmm, is that our pizza?
-MIKE: Uh-uh.
-Who is it?
Oh, (BLEEP), dude.
Looks like some
of those religious people.
You know, they go door to door
to prophesize.
We gotta pretend
like we're not here.
(SHUSHING) Mute the TV.
-(MARQUESS GASPS)
-Mute it!
Nobody move.
(DOORBELL PLAYING FUR ELISE)
-Is that our doorbell?
-Shh! Yes.
Have you never heard
our doorbell?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
-Does that always go on?
-Shh!
(MUSIC ENDS)
(WHISPERING)
Are they gone yet?
How would I know?
(WHISPERING) I don't think
they saw me, did they?
-I don't think so. (GASPS)
-(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING)
PIGEON: What the (BLEEP)?
Is anybody gonna answer
the (BLEEP) damn door?
(LOUDLY) What?
-(MUSIC CONTINUES)
-Uh, Mr. Tyson?
(WHISPERING)
Can they see me?
-Here's the agreement.
-It basically says
you have 16 months
to conduct your investigation
and report your findings
to the council.
For this, we've budgeted
a total of $1.6 million,
payable in monthly
installments of a $100,000.
That sounds like a smart use
of taxpayer money.
Okay, boys. We'll do it.
-(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING)
-Thank you very
-(SHUSHING)
-We're excited to be
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut the (BLEEP) up!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(DELIVERYMAN DRUMMING FINGERS
ON BOX)
STOREKEEPER:
Hi, can I help you?
My daughter's
finally old enough to get
her first cellphone.
Dad, I have a cellphone.
I've had one
for, like, four years.
Huh. Okay, well, (BLEEP) it.
Let's just upgrade my phone.
I like always having
the newest (BLEEP).
Okay, great.
You want me to just go ahead
and transfer
your contacts and calendar?
Oh, don't worry
about the calendar.
I got it all up here.
Here, I'll prove it to you.
Today, wake up,
brush my teeth,
eat, drink,
brush my teeth again,
take a shit,
brush my teeth again,
and then stay open
to new possibilities.
Is that all in your calendar?
Tomorrow, brush my teeth,
take a shit,
wake up, brush my teeth again.
Then, dance
like no one's watching.
Oh, actually,
you did forget one thing
for tomorrow.
It says, "LA Port
slowdown investigation due."
Oh, (BLEEP). Why didn't you
mother (BLEEP) remind me, man?
I can't believe
it's been 16 months.
At the most, it feels like
a year and a quarter.
At the most.
Maybe a year
and three-eighths.
Maybe even
a year and five-eighths.
No, that feels too long.
If anything, it feels like
exactly a year and a quarter.
But, whatever it is,
it damn sure don't feel
like 16 months went by.
I mean, if anything,
it feels something like
15 months and four weeks.
(SHIP HORN BLARING)
This is ridiculous.
We can't solve this mystery
in a single day.
We should just call
the city council or whoever
and say we can't do it
and give the money back.
PIGEON: We can't. It's gone.
-What?
-All $1.6 million?
What are you talking about?
I placed a wager and I lost.
What do you want me to do?
I said I was sorry.
-No, you didn't.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Guys, we're gonna solve
this mystery.
We just need to get on
one of those ships
and pretend
we're ship workers.
Oh, yeah,
they'll all believe us
when we say
we're their fellow
ship workers.
Yeah, and then we'll see
firsthand who's responsible
for this slowdown.
Now, everybody buckle
-your mother (BLEEP)
seatbelts.
-MARQUESS: Michael, just
(MARQUESS SCREAMING)
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm getting us on that boat.
MARQUESS: (GASPS)
Michael, stop now!
YUNG: Dad!
We gotta be going
exactly 88 miles an hour
-when we hit
the end of the pier.
-YUNG: Dad, stop!
-(YUNG AND MARQUESS YELLING)
-Damn, here's a '73 Mercedes
Benz 450SL for $14,000.
-Silver, V8, 79,000 miles.
God, that's a great deal.
-YUNG: Dad
Oh, shit.
We spent all the money.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it!
(BANGING) Wake up.
-(MARQUESS GROANING)
-MIKE: What the
Are you God?
Are we in heaven?
(LAUGHING)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
You're not in heaven.
It's better than heaven.
This is Atlantis!
(STAVROS CACKLING)
STAVROS: Stavros Petrakis.
I run the place.
Come on. Come on.
I don't have all (BLEEP) day.
How the (BLEEP)
did we get to Atlanta?
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God,
this place is foul.
-(GOATS BLEATING)
Are you guys hot?
-Ugh.
-STAVROS:
The air conditioning
-Ugh, it's out again.
-(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
I gotta remember
to steal a new compressor.
Hey. Watch your step,
there's goat (BLEEP)
everywhere.
MARQUESS: Hmm. Ew.
(GOAT BLEATS)
(SIGHS) I think it
smells worse here
than it did back there.
Wait a second. Is that
the Port of Los Angeles?
I thought Atlantis was a Greek
island that sank somewhere
in the Mediterranean.
(CHUCKLING)
That was 3,000 years ago.
You wanna live under the sea,
you gotta go
where the good (BLEEP) is.
And right now, it's up there.
You see?
That one's from China.
It's full of TVs, computers
You know,
anything you want, baby.
-This is paradise.
-(CLICKS)
(CLICKING)
(BLEEP) it.
This thing is always broken.
We take the stairs.
Where do you think
he's taking us?
Well, based on
where he's taken us so far,
I'd say probably
the worst place on Earth.
Hey, Niarchos!
For the last time,
don't let your goat
piss at the fountain.
That's our drinking water!
(BLEEP) animal.
(STAVROS GRUNTING)
YUNG: So, you guys
are just taking advantage
of the slowdown at the port
to steal stuff?
(STAVROS LAUGHING)
"Taking advantage"?
We're the reason
for the slowdown, baby.
Those guys were moving
the stuff onto the shore
too fast.
No time to go through it
and get what we want.
But now, we got the unions
in our pocket.
But enough business.
You are our guests.
And everyone knows
a guest in the home
of a Greek is
Is like a son returned
from the war to his mother
to suckle from her breast!
(BLEEP) Damn it.
(BLEEP) locked.
Maybe we didn't go
high enough. Come on.
(LIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Man, I wanna get the hell
outta here.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Dance?
Did you say (SNAPS)
Dance?
No. I said, "I wanna get
the hell outta here."
-(SHATTERING)
-(BLEEP) Damn, man.
A piece of that plate
could have got in my eye,
mother (BLEEP).
Together.
-(CROWD CLAPPING)
-(MUSIC QUICKENING)
Let's go. (GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING)
-Down. (LAUGHS)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
Let's go! Down.
-(STAVROS LAUGHING)
-(MUSIC GROWS SPIRITED)
(PLATES SMASHING)
(GLASS BREAKING)
(FRENETIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(BOTTLE SMASHING)
(MUSIC ENDS)
YUNG: How did it go?
What'd you tell them?
Everything.
That we almost drowned,
that we had to (BLEEP)
swim outta there,
and that those
crazy Atlantis people
I mean, they just kept dancing
and breaking (BLEEP).
Until they were all dead.
And I told them
they need to reimburse me
for the (BLEEP) van.
And what'd they say?
They kept saying
they would take everything
I said "under advisement."
And then I said,
"You don't (BLEEP)
believe me?"
And they said,
"Thank you, Mr. Tyson."
And I said, "Don't be (BLEEP)
patriotic with me."
But I meant to say,
"Don't be (BLEEP)
patronizing with me."
So, who the (BLEEP) know
what they think.
(BLEEP) those guys.
Hey, we're in LA.
You guys wanna see
the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
See if I got a star on there?
(BLEEP) Where's the (BLEEP)
Mystery Mobile?
I guess we gotta take a cab.
Taxi!
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMING)
STAVROS: Look at that behind!
(LAUGHING)
Baby!
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
-STAVROS: Let's go!
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(LAUGHING)
(GREEK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
COUNCILMAN: I think
they're doing it on purpose.
Hold on, Councilman.
Are you saying the unions
are using the slowdown
as a bargaining tool?
Well, it's hard to conclude
anything else.
But we don't know.
As I've said before,
it's a mystery.
I propose we attempt
to solve the mystery
by hiring an independent
mystery team
and then have that
mystery team report
their findings back to us.
Hmm. Now, that is interesting.
I've heard very good things
about the Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
-The boxer?
-Uh, yes.
Although, I believe he's
He's retired from boxing.
All right.
All those in favor of hiring
the Mike Tyson Mystery
to look into the slowdown
at the Port of Los Angeles
say "Aye."
Those opposed, say "Nay."
-(TV PLAYING)
-Mmm, is that our pizza?
-MIKE: Uh-uh.
-Who is it?
Oh, (BLEEP), dude.
Looks like some
of those religious people.
You know, they go door to door
to prophesize.
We gotta pretend
like we're not here.
(SHUSHING) Mute the TV.
-(MARQUESS GASPS)
-Mute it!
Nobody move.
(DOORBELL PLAYING FUR ELISE)
-Is that our doorbell?
-Shh! Yes.
Have you never heard
our doorbell?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
-Does that always go on?
-Shh!
(MUSIC ENDS)
(WHISPERING)
Are they gone yet?
How would I know?
(WHISPERING) I don't think
they saw me, did they?
-I don't think so. (GASPS)
-(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING)
PIGEON: What the (BLEEP)?
Is anybody gonna answer
the (BLEEP) damn door?
(LOUDLY) What?
-(MUSIC CONTINUES)
-Uh, Mr. Tyson?
(WHISPERING)
Can they see me?
-Here's the agreement.
-It basically says
you have 16 months
to conduct your investigation
and report your findings
to the council.
For this, we've budgeted
a total of $1.6 million,
payable in monthly
installments of a $100,000.
That sounds like a smart use
of taxpayer money.
Okay, boys. We'll do it.
-(DOORBELL MUSIC PLAYING)
-Thank you very
-(SHUSHING)
-We're excited to be
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut the (BLEEP) up!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(DELIVERYMAN DRUMMING FINGERS
ON BOX)
STOREKEEPER:
Hi, can I help you?
My daughter's
finally old enough to get
her first cellphone.
Dad, I have a cellphone.
I've had one
for, like, four years.
Huh. Okay, well, (BLEEP) it.
Let's just upgrade my phone.
I like always having
the newest (BLEEP).
Okay, great.
You want me to just go ahead
and transfer
your contacts and calendar?
Oh, don't worry
about the calendar.
I got it all up here.
Here, I'll prove it to you.
Today, wake up,
brush my teeth,
eat, drink,
brush my teeth again,
take a shit,
brush my teeth again,
and then stay open
to new possibilities.
Is that all in your calendar?
Tomorrow, brush my teeth,
take a shit,
wake up, brush my teeth again.
Then, dance
like no one's watching.
Oh, actually,
you did forget one thing
for tomorrow.
It says, "LA Port
slowdown investigation due."
Oh, (BLEEP). Why didn't you
mother (BLEEP) remind me, man?
I can't believe
it's been 16 months.
At the most, it feels like
a year and a quarter.
At the most.
Maybe a year
and three-eighths.
Maybe even
a year and five-eighths.
No, that feels too long.
If anything, it feels like
exactly a year and a quarter.
But, whatever it is,
it damn sure don't feel
like 16 months went by.
I mean, if anything,
it feels something like
15 months and four weeks.
(SHIP HORN BLARING)
This is ridiculous.
We can't solve this mystery
in a single day.
We should just call
the city council or whoever
and say we can't do it
and give the money back.
PIGEON: We can't. It's gone.
-What?
-All $1.6 million?
What are you talking about?
I placed a wager and I lost.
What do you want me to do?
I said I was sorry.
-No, you didn't.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Guys, we're gonna solve
this mystery.
We just need to get on
one of those ships
and pretend
we're ship workers.
Oh, yeah,
they'll all believe us
when we say
we're their fellow
ship workers.
Yeah, and then we'll see
firsthand who's responsible
for this slowdown.
Now, everybody buckle
-your mother (BLEEP)
seatbelts.
-MARQUESS: Michael, just
(MARQUESS SCREAMING)
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm getting us on that boat.
MARQUESS: (GASPS)
Michael, stop now!
YUNG: Dad!
We gotta be going
exactly 88 miles an hour
-when we hit
the end of the pier.
-YUNG: Dad, stop!
-(YUNG AND MARQUESS YELLING)
-Damn, here's a '73 Mercedes
Benz 450SL for $14,000.
-Silver, V8, 79,000 miles.
God, that's a great deal.
-YUNG: Dad
Oh, shit.
We spent all the money.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it!
(BANGING) Wake up.
-(MARQUESS GROANING)
-MIKE: What the
Are you God?
Are we in heaven?
(LAUGHING)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
You're not in heaven.
It's better than heaven.
This is Atlantis!
(STAVROS CACKLING)
STAVROS: Stavros Petrakis.
I run the place.
Come on. Come on.
I don't have all (BLEEP) day.
How the (BLEEP)
did we get to Atlanta?
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God,
this place is foul.
-(GOATS BLEATING)
Are you guys hot?
-Ugh.
-STAVROS:
The air conditioning
-Ugh, it's out again.
-(CHICKEN CLUCKING)
I gotta remember
to steal a new compressor.
Hey. Watch your step,
there's goat (BLEEP)
everywhere.
MARQUESS: Hmm. Ew.
(GOAT BLEATS)
(SIGHS) I think it
smells worse here
than it did back there.
Wait a second. Is that
the Port of Los Angeles?
I thought Atlantis was a Greek
island that sank somewhere
in the Mediterranean.
(CHUCKLING)
That was 3,000 years ago.
You wanna live under the sea,
you gotta go
where the good (BLEEP) is.
And right now, it's up there.
You see?
That one's from China.
It's full of TVs, computers
You know,
anything you want, baby.
-This is paradise.
-(CLICKS)
(CLICKING)
(BLEEP) it.
This thing is always broken.
We take the stairs.
Where do you think
he's taking us?
Well, based on
where he's taken us so far,
I'd say probably
the worst place on Earth.
Hey, Niarchos!
For the last time,
don't let your goat
piss at the fountain.
That's our drinking water!
(BLEEP) animal.
(STAVROS GRUNTING)
YUNG: So, you guys
are just taking advantage
of the slowdown at the port
to steal stuff?
(STAVROS LAUGHING)
"Taking advantage"?
We're the reason
for the slowdown, baby.
Those guys were moving
the stuff onto the shore
too fast.
No time to go through it
and get what we want.
But now, we got the unions
in our pocket.
But enough business.
You are our guests.
And everyone knows
a guest in the home
of a Greek is
Is like a son returned
from the war to his mother
to suckle from her breast!
(BLEEP) Damn it.
(BLEEP) locked.
Maybe we didn't go
high enough. Come on.
(LIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Man, I wanna get the hell
outta here.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Dance?
Did you say (SNAPS)
Dance?
No. I said, "I wanna get
the hell outta here."
-(SHATTERING)
-(BLEEP) Damn, man.
A piece of that plate
could have got in my eye,
mother (BLEEP).
Together.
-(CROWD CLAPPING)
-(MUSIC QUICKENING)
Let's go. (GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING)
-Down. (LAUGHS)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
Let's go! Down.
-(STAVROS LAUGHING)
-(MUSIC GROWS SPIRITED)
(PLATES SMASHING)
(GLASS BREAKING)
(FRENETIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(BOTTLE SMASHING)
(MUSIC ENDS)
YUNG: How did it go?
What'd you tell them?
Everything.
That we almost drowned,
that we had to (BLEEP)
swim outta there,
and that those
crazy Atlantis people
I mean, they just kept dancing
and breaking (BLEEP).
Until they were all dead.
And I told them
they need to reimburse me
for the (BLEEP) van.
And what'd they say?
They kept saying
they would take everything
I said "under advisement."
And then I said,
"You don't (BLEEP)
believe me?"
And they said,
"Thank you, Mr. Tyson."
And I said, "Don't be (BLEEP)
patriotic with me."
But I meant to say,
"Don't be (BLEEP)
patronizing with me."
So, who the (BLEEP) know
what they think.
(BLEEP) those guys.
Hey, we're in LA.
You guys wanna see
the Hollywood Walk of Fame?
See if I got a star on there?
(BLEEP) Where's the (BLEEP)
Mystery Mobile?
I guess we gotta take a cab.
Taxi!
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(GASPING)
(SCREAMING)
STAVROS: Look at that behind!
(LAUGHING)
Baby!
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
-STAVROS: Let's go!
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(LAUGHING)
(GREEK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)