Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e10 Episode Script
Ogopogo!
1
-Dear
-Hold it, Marquess.
We're all not here.
Hey, Pigeon.
Pigeon! We got a new mystery.
PIGEON: Oh, that's
great, but I'm watching
pornography, so.
Hmm, yeah, I'll just
go ahead and start 'cause
that's gonna be a long time.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I'm trying to sell
my house on Okanagan Lake,
"but I cannot until I track
down my ex-husband, Richard.
"His name is on the deed and
I've just found out he never
signed the divorce papers.
"One more thing, he may be
hard to find because, several
years ago, he became a"
(GASPS) "A pigeon?" (GASPS)
-(GASPS)
-"Sincerely, Sandra Sanchez."
Oh, my God!
"Oh, my God" is right.
We'll never find this guy.
Do you know how many pigeons
there are in the world?
Dad, she's talking
about our Pigeon.
Which one?
We have tons of pigeons.
The one that lives
in our house.
Oh, you mean Pigeon?
(BLEEP) her.
Why haven't you signed
the divorce papers?
I thought I did. Jesus,
if I missed a (BLEEP) page,
maybe it was because
I had my hands full
dealing with all the
psychological ramifications
of becoming a (BLEEP) bird.
(MAN AND WOMAN
MOANING ON LAPTOP)
-Can you turn
that off, please?
-It's almost over.
-(MOANING CLIMAXES)
-MAN: Diego,
Diego, Diego, Diego!
(MAN GRUNTING)
Heh. They all end
the same way.
Hey, what are you guys
doing in here? I didn't see
you all come in. (LAUGHS)
Can I offer anybody a drink?
Something to eat?
No, thanks. Come on,
we gotta go talk to Sandra.
I'm not goin'.
Pigeon, you need
to deal with your past.
This poor woman
needs to move on.
"This poor woman" is a witch
who turned me into a pigeon.
If there's any justice in the
world, we'd get those Salem
witch trials going again
and burn her
at the (BLEEP) stake.
Oh, my God!
Hey, kid, let me clue
you into something, huh?
There's no (BLEEP) God.
(CHUCKLES) You got that?
And if there was,
if God really does exist,
and he let that bitch
do this to me,
well, then, God is the
biggest piece of (BLEEP)
in the Universe.
And I will say that to his
dumb (BLEEP) face when
I see him on my way to Hell.
To the Mystery Mobile.
I told you, I'm not going.
Oh, you're going or my name
is not Michael Gerard Tyson.
That's your (BLEEP) name?
(MARQUESS GROANS)
This doesn't seem right.
It was the only way
I could get him in the car.
Are you hot?
Do you need any water?
Uh-uh, he's still giving
me the silent treatment.
When I said we should
get Sandra a hostess gift,
I didn't mean Twinkies.
-Where are you
headed, travelers?
-(SCREAMS)
Jesus Christ, old man,
you scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
We're going up
to Lake Okanagan.
Stay away from the lake.
Beware of Ogopogo!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(BLEEP) you, (BLEEP).
Don't be saying weird shit
to people and laughing.
I'll knock your
goddamn head off, (BLEEP).
(GASPS)
(BLEEP), man, I can see
you in the reflection.
Don't you know
who the (BLEEP) I am?
I'm Mike mother (BLEEP)
Gerard mother (BLEEP) Tyson.
I will beat the living
(BLEEP) out of you,
you mother (BLEEP).
Ogopogo! Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
(BLEEP) Crazy.
Damn, Pigeon, you didn't
tell me you were rich.
Oh, welcome to my home.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
I'm Mike Tyson and this
is the Mystery Team.
Oh, here, these are for you.
Twinkies, my favorite.
You shouldn't have.
I don't suppose you've
had any luck finding Richard.
Actually, we brought
him with us.
(GASPS) Is that Richard?
Oh, for God's sakes, Pigeon.
Stop it. Say something.
(COOS)
Damn, I think I brought
the wrong pigeon.
(SIGHS) Dad.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
All right, payment up front.
Uh, you know,
on second thought, forget it.
I'll still pay you, but I
I don't think
I want to have sex.
Hey, where are you going?
You still gotta (BLEEP)
me off, see.
Richard was such a gentleman.
When we met, I was
a 21-year-old beauty
queen from Nicaragua,
and here was this
sophisticated financier
who swept me off my feet.
Oh, muchas gracias. (CHUCKLES)
By the way,
I love your shoes.
-Oh, no, thank you,
ma'am. I don't drink.
-I'll take his.
-Oh, I'm not, I
I'm 18, can't.
-I'll take hers.
He was so charming,
smart, handsome, rich.
Everything you could want
in a man. A prince.
Here, see for yourself.
Oh, my God! That's Pigeon?
He's gorgeous!
I mean, right? I mean,
you guys think so, right?
We used to make love
all the time.
On this very couch.
Well, that was an unnecessary
piece of information.
We had the perfect life,
but it was all a lie.
He lied about everything.
The money,
the other women, the drugs.
He took my dignity
and he crushed it like,
like a
-Like a can?
-No, no, like a
-It's a little thing.
How do you say?
-A flower?
-No, not a flower! A, uh
-Like a flea?
A flea? Insecto? No, like a
Like a dream.
Well,
"Crushed it like a dream"
is not an expression.
So, don't, like,
scold me like I'm an idiot.
-So, you turned him
into a pigeon?
-What?
Did he tell you that?
-Yeah, he said
you were a witch.
-(GASPS)
I'm a deeply religious person.
I prayed every night
to God above.
I said to him, I said, "God,
show me the money, Mary.
"Show me who he really is.
Not the lies.
"Show me the truth.
Show me the real Richard."
And he did. God made
him a dirty pigeon, not me.
(CRYING)
(SCREAMS)
Why would that dumb bitch
want to sell this place?
-Pigeon?
-Richard! I mean, Pigeon.
Uh, what are you
I mean, we, we, we missed you.
The (BLEEP) is
the matter with you?
I'm proud of you, Pigeon.
You came to confront
your past.
-Yeah, where is she?
-She went upstairs.
(PIGEON SIGHS)
We used to (BLEEP)
on those stairs.
Come on, guys. Let's
go outside and give
them some privacy.
How long do we have to give
them? It's freezing out here.
We can wait in the van,
but I left the keys
in the house.
Oh, I'll go get 'em.
-Oh, dear God!
-What?
Do you have a crush on Pigeon?
-Pfft. No.
-(GASPS) You do!
Whatever.
See, Michael, this is
why Yung needs to get
out and date.
Otherwise, she'll end up
with the first good-looking
bad boy she meets.
She needs experience.
She needs to, dare I say,
sleep around (SCREAMS)
Sorry, Marquess, it was
just, ever since Yung was
dropped off on my doorstep
as a little Asian baby,
that's the only way
I can see her.
She'll always be that little
Asian baby who was dropped off
on my doorstep.
Mmm-hmm. That's nice.
Am I bleeding?
I don't think so.
Would your blood be white?
I never notices you had
a mustache, Marquess.
And you wear glasses?
I guess I never really
looked at your face before.
-Ogopogo!
-(BOTH GASP)
I told you to stay
away from the lake.
Ogopogo is coming.
Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
God almighty, that mother
(BLEEP) is going to give
me a heart attack.
You old son of a bitch.
(SANDRA MOANING)
(GASPS)
(SANDRA AND PIGEON MOANING)
SANDRA: Richard. Oh, yes, yes!
PIGEON: Oh, Sandra.
Richard, oh, ai, ai!
Michael, you shouldn't
be in there.
(BLEEP) that (BLEEP),
Marquess!
I'm not gonna let that old,
crazy mother (BLEEP)
tell Michael Gerard Tyson
what to do.
-Aren't you cold?
-Yeah, I'm cold.
I feel like I'm gonna die,
but no one's gonna
tell me what to do.
Oh, thank God.
We can get in the car.
Oh, right, the, the keys.
You You forgot the keys?
You were in there for half
an hour. What were you doing?
-Um
-Everyone, we have
an announcement.
I'm quitting the Mystery Team.
Sandra and I are
getting back together.
-What?
-Way to go, Pigeon!
Congratulations,
you son of a gun.
God, you answered
my prayers before, I ask
you to answer them again!
Richard no longer
deserves to be alone,
trapped in the body
of a pigeon!
Oh, Sandra, you poor,
ignorant savage. (CHUCKLES)
There's no God.
Oh, please, God. Please.
I'm asking you, begging you,
once more, to use your powers.
Yes, yes.
And turn me into
a pigeon, too!
Turn you?
Wait, what (BLEEP)
No! No, you dumb bitch!
You were supposed to get Him
to turn me back into a man!
Now we are the same!
-Fly with me, my love!
-Are you (BLEEP) crazy?
(ROARS)
Ogopogo!
Ogopogo!
Damn, I better get
out of this lake!
(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)
-Dear
-Hold it, Marquess.
We're all not here.
Hey, Pigeon.
Pigeon! We got a new mystery.
PIGEON: Oh, that's
great, but I'm watching
pornography, so.
Hmm, yeah, I'll just
go ahead and start 'cause
that's gonna be a long time.
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"I'm trying to sell
my house on Okanagan Lake,
"but I cannot until I track
down my ex-husband, Richard.
"His name is on the deed and
I've just found out he never
signed the divorce papers.
"One more thing, he may be
hard to find because, several
years ago, he became a"
(GASPS) "A pigeon?" (GASPS)
-(GASPS)
-"Sincerely, Sandra Sanchez."
Oh, my God!
"Oh, my God" is right.
We'll never find this guy.
Do you know how many pigeons
there are in the world?
Dad, she's talking
about our Pigeon.
Which one?
We have tons of pigeons.
The one that lives
in our house.
Oh, you mean Pigeon?
(BLEEP) her.
Why haven't you signed
the divorce papers?
I thought I did. Jesus,
if I missed a (BLEEP) page,
maybe it was because
I had my hands full
dealing with all the
psychological ramifications
of becoming a (BLEEP) bird.
(MAN AND WOMAN
MOANING ON LAPTOP)
-Can you turn
that off, please?
-It's almost over.
-(MOANING CLIMAXES)
-MAN: Diego,
Diego, Diego, Diego!
(MAN GRUNTING)
Heh. They all end
the same way.
Hey, what are you guys
doing in here? I didn't see
you all come in. (LAUGHS)
Can I offer anybody a drink?
Something to eat?
No, thanks. Come on,
we gotta go talk to Sandra.
I'm not goin'.
Pigeon, you need
to deal with your past.
This poor woman
needs to move on.
"This poor woman" is a witch
who turned me into a pigeon.
If there's any justice in the
world, we'd get those Salem
witch trials going again
and burn her
at the (BLEEP) stake.
Oh, my God!
Hey, kid, let me clue
you into something, huh?
There's no (BLEEP) God.
(CHUCKLES) You got that?
And if there was,
if God really does exist,
and he let that bitch
do this to me,
well, then, God is the
biggest piece of (BLEEP)
in the Universe.
And I will say that to his
dumb (BLEEP) face when
I see him on my way to Hell.
To the Mystery Mobile.
I told you, I'm not going.
Oh, you're going or my name
is not Michael Gerard Tyson.
That's your (BLEEP) name?
(MARQUESS GROANS)
This doesn't seem right.
It was the only way
I could get him in the car.
Are you hot?
Do you need any water?
Uh-uh, he's still giving
me the silent treatment.
When I said we should
get Sandra a hostess gift,
I didn't mean Twinkies.
-Where are you
headed, travelers?
-(SCREAMS)
Jesus Christ, old man,
you scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
We're going up
to Lake Okanagan.
Stay away from the lake.
Beware of Ogopogo!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(BLEEP) you, (BLEEP).
Don't be saying weird shit
to people and laughing.
I'll knock your
goddamn head off, (BLEEP).
(GASPS)
(BLEEP), man, I can see
you in the reflection.
Don't you know
who the (BLEEP) I am?
I'm Mike mother (BLEEP)
Gerard mother (BLEEP) Tyson.
I will beat the living
(BLEEP) out of you,
you mother (BLEEP).
Ogopogo! Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
(BLEEP) Crazy.
Damn, Pigeon, you didn't
tell me you were rich.
Oh, welcome to my home.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
I'm Mike Tyson and this
is the Mystery Team.
Oh, here, these are for you.
Twinkies, my favorite.
You shouldn't have.
I don't suppose you've
had any luck finding Richard.
Actually, we brought
him with us.
(GASPS) Is that Richard?
Oh, for God's sakes, Pigeon.
Stop it. Say something.
(COOS)
Damn, I think I brought
the wrong pigeon.
(SIGHS) Dad.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
All right, payment up front.
Uh, you know,
on second thought, forget it.
I'll still pay you, but I
I don't think
I want to have sex.
Hey, where are you going?
You still gotta (BLEEP)
me off, see.
Richard was such a gentleman.
When we met, I was
a 21-year-old beauty
queen from Nicaragua,
and here was this
sophisticated financier
who swept me off my feet.
Oh, muchas gracias. (CHUCKLES)
By the way,
I love your shoes.
-Oh, no, thank you,
ma'am. I don't drink.
-I'll take his.
-Oh, I'm not, I
I'm 18, can't.
-I'll take hers.
He was so charming,
smart, handsome, rich.
Everything you could want
in a man. A prince.
Here, see for yourself.
Oh, my God! That's Pigeon?
He's gorgeous!
I mean, right? I mean,
you guys think so, right?
We used to make love
all the time.
On this very couch.
Well, that was an unnecessary
piece of information.
We had the perfect life,
but it was all a lie.
He lied about everything.
The money,
the other women, the drugs.
He took my dignity
and he crushed it like,
like a
-Like a can?
-No, no, like a
-It's a little thing.
How do you say?
-A flower?
-No, not a flower! A, uh
-Like a flea?
A flea? Insecto? No, like a
Like a dream.
Well,
"Crushed it like a dream"
is not an expression.
So, don't, like,
scold me like I'm an idiot.
-So, you turned him
into a pigeon?
-What?
Did he tell you that?
-Yeah, he said
you were a witch.
-(GASPS)
I'm a deeply religious person.
I prayed every night
to God above.
I said to him, I said, "God,
show me the money, Mary.
"Show me who he really is.
Not the lies.
"Show me the truth.
Show me the real Richard."
And he did. God made
him a dirty pigeon, not me.
(CRYING)
(SCREAMS)
Why would that dumb bitch
want to sell this place?
-Pigeon?
-Richard! I mean, Pigeon.
Uh, what are you
I mean, we, we, we missed you.
The (BLEEP) is
the matter with you?
I'm proud of you, Pigeon.
You came to confront
your past.
-Yeah, where is she?
-She went upstairs.
(PIGEON SIGHS)
We used to (BLEEP)
on those stairs.
Come on, guys. Let's
go outside and give
them some privacy.
How long do we have to give
them? It's freezing out here.
We can wait in the van,
but I left the keys
in the house.
Oh, I'll go get 'em.
-Oh, dear God!
-What?
Do you have a crush on Pigeon?
-Pfft. No.
-(GASPS) You do!
Whatever.
See, Michael, this is
why Yung needs to get
out and date.
Otherwise, she'll end up
with the first good-looking
bad boy she meets.
She needs experience.
She needs to, dare I say,
sleep around (SCREAMS)
Sorry, Marquess, it was
just, ever since Yung was
dropped off on my doorstep
as a little Asian baby,
that's the only way
I can see her.
She'll always be that little
Asian baby who was dropped off
on my doorstep.
Mmm-hmm. That's nice.
Am I bleeding?
I don't think so.
Would your blood be white?
I never notices you had
a mustache, Marquess.
And you wear glasses?
I guess I never really
looked at your face before.
-Ogopogo!
-(BOTH GASP)
I told you to stay
away from the lake.
Ogopogo is coming.
Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
God almighty, that mother
(BLEEP) is going to give
me a heart attack.
You old son of a bitch.
(SANDRA MOANING)
(GASPS)
(SANDRA AND PIGEON MOANING)
SANDRA: Richard. Oh, yes, yes!
PIGEON: Oh, Sandra.
Richard, oh, ai, ai!
Michael, you shouldn't
be in there.
(BLEEP) that (BLEEP),
Marquess!
I'm not gonna let that old,
crazy mother (BLEEP)
tell Michael Gerard Tyson
what to do.
-Aren't you cold?
-Yeah, I'm cold.
I feel like I'm gonna die,
but no one's gonna
tell me what to do.
Oh, thank God.
We can get in the car.
Oh, right, the, the keys.
You You forgot the keys?
You were in there for half
an hour. What were you doing?
-Um
-Everyone, we have
an announcement.
I'm quitting the Mystery Team.
Sandra and I are
getting back together.
-What?
-Way to go, Pigeon!
Congratulations,
you son of a gun.
God, you answered
my prayers before, I ask
you to answer them again!
Richard no longer
deserves to be alone,
trapped in the body
of a pigeon!
Oh, Sandra, you poor,
ignorant savage. (CHUCKLES)
There's no God.
Oh, please, God. Please.
I'm asking you, begging you,
once more, to use your powers.
Yes, yes.
And turn me into
a pigeon, too!
Turn you?
Wait, what (BLEEP)
No! No, you dumb bitch!
You were supposed to get Him
to turn me back into a man!
Now we are the same!
-Fly with me, my love!
-Are you (BLEEP) crazy?
(ROARS)
Ogopogo!
Ogopogo!
Damn, I better get
out of this lake!
(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)