Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e11 Episode Script
Life Is But a Dream
1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MIKE: Marquess, come in here!
(HUMMING)
What's going on?
Have a seat.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERING)
I know what this is.
This is an intervention.
(GASPS) You all think
I drink too much.
You know what? And maybe I do.
Maybe I'm just a ghost
who lately feels like
he's lost his way.
But my sobriety is my issue,
not yours.
So drop it!
-Marquess
-No!
No! It is my turn to talk now.
You all have done enough
talking behind my back
about what you perceive
to be my problem.
This is about
the three bottles of wine in
the recycling bin, isn't it?
Well, what you don't know
is that one of the bottles
was corked,
I shared the other bottle
with our neighbor,
who is going through
a difficult divorce.
Which none of you know about,
because none of you
have bothered to ask.
And the third bottle, well
I shouldn't have to explain,
because I am a grown-up,
who has had a shitty week.
So (BLEEP) you.
(BLEEP) you.
And (BLEEP) you.
And (BLEEP) this intervention.
This isn't a intervention.
We got a new mystery.
We just reading it in here
because it's
100 degrees outside.
Oh.
What's it say?
It says you're a big
(BLEEP) alcoholic.
Ha!
No, it doesn't.
It says,
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"My name is Thomas Foley,
and I need your help."
THOMAS: Thanks for coming.
As I said in my message
(SIGHS)
my wife, Diane, has been
in a coma for nearly a year.
She slipped on some ice
in the driveway,
and fell and hit her head.
They thought she'd wake up
after a few days.
But the day has
turned into weeks,
and the weeks
turned to months.
Her vitals are normal.
The doctors say there's
no medical reason
for her to still be in a coma.
I just
I can't bear the thought
of spending another
Christmas without her.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Ben, can you turn that off?
This is my son, Ben.
In his defense,
what 18-year old wants
to come home from college
to spend the holidays
in the hospital?
It must be hard for you
to see your mom like this.
She's my step-mom.
-Ben!
-What?
It's been a hard year.
Well, on the bright side,
-I bet her (BLEEP)
has gotten real big, huh?
-YUNG: Ew.
-(GASPS) Pigeon!
-What?
It's a compliment.
I like a hairy (BLEEP).
(SIGHS)
You say, "Don't talk unless
I have something nice to say."
Here I say something nice,
and you don't
like that either.
Fine, I'll just sit here
and say nothing.
(STAMMERING)
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying, "Talk
if you have something relevant
"to say about
this woman's condition."
Okay, I think
they should pull the plug
and get on with their lives.
-Oh, my God! Pigeon!
-(YUNG GROANS)
What, "Oh, my God"?
I cannot win with you people.
It's like a bad dream.
(GASPS) That's it!
Diane is in a dream!
Well, not an actual dream,
but when you're in a coma
you're in a dream-like state.
And as a ghost,
I have the ability to travel
to the dream realm.
Ah! That's my purpose!
I can find her
and talk to her,
and maybe even bring her back.
Oh! That would be incredible.
Uh, tell me about it.
(SIGHS)
I have just been
so blech lately.
You know what I mean?
Just blech!
I just feel like
I don't know.
I just feel like I look around
and everyone is doing
better than me.
I'm sorry that my life is
harder than everyone else's.
It just is.
It's like, "Why me?" you know?
But now I am on a mission.
(CHUCKLES)
Marquess to the rescue!
Who wants to celebrate, huh?
Come on!
I want every single person
in this room
to get off their derrieres,
and follow me
to the hospital cafeteria,
because it is
Margarita Monday.
On a Tuesday!
MIKE: So are we or
are we not pulling the plug?
Well, that's a lamp, so
(SCOFFS) No alcohol.
How are all these people
supposed to cope
when they have sick relatives?
The chapel? Please.
Pills.
Take a couple of these.
They do everything a margarita
does without the sugar, Fatty.
So, Marquess, how do we get
to this dream realm place?
Well, you can't go.
Only I can.
But we're a team.
Right, but I'm the only one
who's dead.
No (BLEEP), Marquess.
That's why we're all going
to kill ourselves.
-What?
-What are you out
of your mind?
It's the only way
that we can solve the mystery.
Together, as a team.
If I'm going to kill myself,
it'll be because
of my massive depression,
not to help some bitch
lying in a bed.
And I don't care
how big her (BLEEP) is.
Don't look at me!
I'm not gonna kill myself.
Wow.
I did not think you guys
were going to say that.
Man, I mean,
I'm truly flabbergasted.
Well, we're in quite
a conundrum, then.
Why?
Because I put poison
in our drinks.
-(PIGEON SCREECHES)
-You poisoned us?
It's called
physician-assisted suicide.
You're not a physician.
And it's not suicide,
you asshole, it's murder.
Okay, okay! Fine.
Gee, man, let me
Let me just find a nurse
or someone who can just
pump our stomachs before we
(GROANS)
(GROANS) Oh, (BLEEP).
Well, welcome
to the afterlife.
Just as (BLEEP)
as I told you it was.
Oh, my (BLEEP) God!
You killed us!
You (BLEEP) killed us.
Okay, guys.
First let me start off
by saying, I'm sorry.
Seriously, I'm
I'm very sorry.
And second,
look how white we are.
Oh, (BLEEP)!
Now I got to sound white.
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Hey, guys, who wants to come
with me to the car wash?
I have a Subaru
that I'm going to take it
to get it washed.
I go to the car wash about
two times per week.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, shit!
I sound so white!
Guys! Guys!
Dad, can you be serious
for a second?
Oh, my God, Yung!
You sound so white, too.
What happened to your accent?
So, this is for eternity now?
Did you hear
that thing on NPR?
I was driving in my Subaru
and that's when
I was listening to NPR.
(EKG BEEPING)
So, what do we do
to get into her dream?
We enter her.
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Well, guys, how on Earth
are we going to do this?
-Okay.
-Like this.
Oh, yeah? Well,
if I'm going to enter her,
I'm going to do it
the way God intended.
PIGEON: Holy Lord!
Oh! This is almost too much
of a good thing.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Whoa! Where the hell are we?
This is Diane's dream.
It's her happy place.
It's a manifestation
of all of her fantasies.
PIGEON: What is she,
nine-years-old?
Oh, there she is!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SNIFFING)
No wonder she hasn't woken up,
her life is perfect here.
There's her husband, Thomas!
Oh, that's so sweet!
She misses him
as much as he misses her.
Damn!
(GROANS)
DIANE: Get it out.
Let me have it. Yeah.
There's nothing wrong
with a husband and wife
making love.
Oh, really? What about
a stepson and stepmom?
Where do you stand on that?
DIANE: You're so big!
You're so much bigger
than your dad!
MARQUESS: Oh, no!
YUNG: Oh, my God!
(DIANE MOANING)
Wow! Well,
he's really pounding her.
What a (BLEEP) on
that kid, huh?
He's giving her the wood
like a good man should.
So the reason she's staying
in a coma is because
It's the only place she can
(BLEEP) her stepson.
Oh, my God!
(DIANE MOANING LOUDLY)
Oh, okay! Can we just get
out of here, please?
What about bringing her back?
PIGEON: My goodness!
That is a load!
Oh! Here comes more!
What is that?
That must be like a gallon.
-Will you guys look at this?
-(BEN AND DIANE MOANING)
Why am I
the only one watching this?
YUNG: Huh?
Hey! What's happening
to you guys?
DOCTOR: Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Are we still in
the dream realm?
No, you're in the ICU.
We had to pump your stomach.
Someone tried to poison you.
Oh, shit! That's (BLEEP) up.
(EKG BEEPING)
-Hello? Um, Diane?
-DIANE: Ben, harder! Harder.
-DIANE: Oh, slow down. Slow.
-Diane?
Do you, um
Do you wanna come back,
or are you good here?
DIANE: Don't stop.
Don't you stop.
Yeah, she's good here.
DIANE: Let's never
stop (BLEEP). Never!
We're just so sorry.
We looked everywhere,
but we just couldn't find her.
Of course, we'll waive
the usual mystery fee.
I just hope where ever she is,
she's not in any pain.
I don't know!
It's a pretty big (BLEEP).
-I'm sorry?
-Nothing.
-He didn't say anything.
-Dad, look!
Diane! (SOBBING) You're back!
And just in time
for Christmas!
Oh!
(MOANING)
Oh, dear.
(DIANE MOANING)
Oh, man! I could really
never think of my
When I think
of my happy place,
I have to really
consider some
Really, some asparagus.
Yeah, man.
Asparagus is really good,
you know?
(BLEEP) Like the hearts
of the (BLEEP), damn.
Artichoke, artichoke heart.
Oh, forget that. With garlic.
Oh, my wife is
so good at that stuff.
It's just
a little over-garlicky.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MIKE: Marquess, come in here!
(HUMMING)
What's going on?
Have a seat.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERING)
I know what this is.
This is an intervention.
(GASPS) You all think
I drink too much.
You know what? And maybe I do.
Maybe I'm just a ghost
who lately feels like
he's lost his way.
But my sobriety is my issue,
not yours.
So drop it!
-Marquess
-No!
No! It is my turn to talk now.
You all have done enough
talking behind my back
about what you perceive
to be my problem.
This is about
the three bottles of wine in
the recycling bin, isn't it?
Well, what you don't know
is that one of the bottles
was corked,
I shared the other bottle
with our neighbor,
who is going through
a difficult divorce.
Which none of you know about,
because none of you
have bothered to ask.
And the third bottle, well
I shouldn't have to explain,
because I am a grown-up,
who has had a shitty week.
So (BLEEP) you.
(BLEEP) you.
And (BLEEP) you.
And (BLEEP) this intervention.
This isn't a intervention.
We got a new mystery.
We just reading it in here
because it's
100 degrees outside.
Oh.
What's it say?
It says you're a big
(BLEEP) alcoholic.
Ha!
No, it doesn't.
It says,
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
"My name is Thomas Foley,
and I need your help."
THOMAS: Thanks for coming.
As I said in my message
(SIGHS)
my wife, Diane, has been
in a coma for nearly a year.
She slipped on some ice
in the driveway,
and fell and hit her head.
They thought she'd wake up
after a few days.
But the day has
turned into weeks,
and the weeks
turned to months.
Her vitals are normal.
The doctors say there's
no medical reason
for her to still be in a coma.
I just
I can't bear the thought
of spending another
Christmas without her.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Ben, can you turn that off?
This is my son, Ben.
In his defense,
what 18-year old wants
to come home from college
to spend the holidays
in the hospital?
It must be hard for you
to see your mom like this.
She's my step-mom.
-Ben!
-What?
It's been a hard year.
Well, on the bright side,
-I bet her (BLEEP)
has gotten real big, huh?
-YUNG: Ew.
-(GASPS) Pigeon!
-What?
It's a compliment.
I like a hairy (BLEEP).
(SIGHS)
You say, "Don't talk unless
I have something nice to say."
Here I say something nice,
and you don't
like that either.
Fine, I'll just sit here
and say nothing.
(STAMMERING)
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying, "Talk
if you have something relevant
"to say about
this woman's condition."
Okay, I think
they should pull the plug
and get on with their lives.
-Oh, my God! Pigeon!
-(YUNG GROANS)
What, "Oh, my God"?
I cannot win with you people.
It's like a bad dream.
(GASPS) That's it!
Diane is in a dream!
Well, not an actual dream,
but when you're in a coma
you're in a dream-like state.
And as a ghost,
I have the ability to travel
to the dream realm.
Ah! That's my purpose!
I can find her
and talk to her,
and maybe even bring her back.
Oh! That would be incredible.
Uh, tell me about it.
(SIGHS)
I have just been
so blech lately.
You know what I mean?
Just blech!
I just feel like
I don't know.
I just feel like I look around
and everyone is doing
better than me.
I'm sorry that my life is
harder than everyone else's.
It just is.
It's like, "Why me?" you know?
But now I am on a mission.
(CHUCKLES)
Marquess to the rescue!
Who wants to celebrate, huh?
Come on!
I want every single person
in this room
to get off their derrieres,
and follow me
to the hospital cafeteria,
because it is
Margarita Monday.
On a Tuesday!
MIKE: So are we or
are we not pulling the plug?
Well, that's a lamp, so
(SCOFFS) No alcohol.
How are all these people
supposed to cope
when they have sick relatives?
The chapel? Please.
Pills.
Take a couple of these.
They do everything a margarita
does without the sugar, Fatty.
So, Marquess, how do we get
to this dream realm place?
Well, you can't go.
Only I can.
But we're a team.
Right, but I'm the only one
who's dead.
No (BLEEP), Marquess.
That's why we're all going
to kill ourselves.
-What?
-What are you out
of your mind?
It's the only way
that we can solve the mystery.
Together, as a team.
If I'm going to kill myself,
it'll be because
of my massive depression,
not to help some bitch
lying in a bed.
And I don't care
how big her (BLEEP) is.
Don't look at me!
I'm not gonna kill myself.
Wow.
I did not think you guys
were going to say that.
Man, I mean,
I'm truly flabbergasted.
Well, we're in quite
a conundrum, then.
Why?
Because I put poison
in our drinks.
-(PIGEON SCREECHES)
-You poisoned us?
It's called
physician-assisted suicide.
You're not a physician.
And it's not suicide,
you asshole, it's murder.
Okay, okay! Fine.
Gee, man, let me
Let me just find a nurse
or someone who can just
pump our stomachs before we
(GROANS)
(GROANS) Oh, (BLEEP).
Well, welcome
to the afterlife.
Just as (BLEEP)
as I told you it was.
Oh, my (BLEEP) God!
You killed us!
You (BLEEP) killed us.
Okay, guys.
First let me start off
by saying, I'm sorry.
Seriously, I'm
I'm very sorry.
And second,
look how white we are.
Oh, (BLEEP)!
Now I got to sound white.
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Hey, guys, who wants to come
with me to the car wash?
I have a Subaru
that I'm going to take it
to get it washed.
I go to the car wash about
two times per week.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, shit!
I sound so white!
Guys! Guys!
Dad, can you be serious
for a second?
Oh, my God, Yung!
You sound so white, too.
What happened to your accent?
So, this is for eternity now?
Did you hear
that thing on NPR?
I was driving in my Subaru
and that's when
I was listening to NPR.
(EKG BEEPING)
So, what do we do
to get into her dream?
We enter her.
(HIGH-PITCHED)
Well, guys, how on Earth
are we going to do this?
-Okay.
-Like this.
Oh, yeah? Well,
if I'm going to enter her,
I'm going to do it
the way God intended.
PIGEON: Holy Lord!
Oh! This is almost too much
of a good thing.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Whoa! Where the hell are we?
This is Diane's dream.
It's her happy place.
It's a manifestation
of all of her fantasies.
PIGEON: What is she,
nine-years-old?
Oh, there she is!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SNIFFING)
No wonder she hasn't woken up,
her life is perfect here.
There's her husband, Thomas!
Oh, that's so sweet!
She misses him
as much as he misses her.
Damn!
(GROANS)
DIANE: Get it out.
Let me have it. Yeah.
There's nothing wrong
with a husband and wife
making love.
Oh, really? What about
a stepson and stepmom?
Where do you stand on that?
DIANE: You're so big!
You're so much bigger
than your dad!
MARQUESS: Oh, no!
YUNG: Oh, my God!
(DIANE MOANING)
Wow! Well,
he's really pounding her.
What a (BLEEP) on
that kid, huh?
He's giving her the wood
like a good man should.
So the reason she's staying
in a coma is because
It's the only place she can
(BLEEP) her stepson.
Oh, my God!
(DIANE MOANING LOUDLY)
Oh, okay! Can we just get
out of here, please?
What about bringing her back?
PIGEON: My goodness!
That is a load!
Oh! Here comes more!
What is that?
That must be like a gallon.
-Will you guys look at this?
-(BEN AND DIANE MOANING)
Why am I
the only one watching this?
YUNG: Huh?
Hey! What's happening
to you guys?
DOCTOR: Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Are we still in
the dream realm?
No, you're in the ICU.
We had to pump your stomach.
Someone tried to poison you.
Oh, shit! That's (BLEEP) up.
(EKG BEEPING)
-Hello? Um, Diane?
-DIANE: Ben, harder! Harder.
-DIANE: Oh, slow down. Slow.
-Diane?
Do you, um
Do you wanna come back,
or are you good here?
DIANE: Don't stop.
Don't you stop.
Yeah, she's good here.
DIANE: Let's never
stop (BLEEP). Never!
We're just so sorry.
We looked everywhere,
but we just couldn't find her.
Of course, we'll waive
the usual mystery fee.
I just hope where ever she is,
she's not in any pain.
I don't know!
It's a pretty big (BLEEP).
-I'm sorry?
-Nothing.
-He didn't say anything.
-Dad, look!
Diane! (SOBBING) You're back!
And just in time
for Christmas!
Oh!
(MOANING)
Oh, dear.
(DIANE MOANING)
Oh, man! I could really
never think of my
When I think
of my happy place,
I have to really
consider some
Really, some asparagus.
Yeah, man.
Asparagus is really good,
you know?
(BLEEP) Like the hearts
of the (BLEEP), damn.
Artichoke, artichoke heart.
Oh, forget that. With garlic.
Oh, my wife is
so good at that stuff.
It's just
a little over-garlicky.