Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014) s02e13 Episode Script

1
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
MIKE: Thank you all
for coming out.
We're here, of course,
to celebrate Miles and
his tremendous weight loss.
He worked with me
and the team
for the past six months.
And today, we get to show you
the result of his hard work.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the new
and improved,
Miles Kleffman.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Who are all these people?
They're all your
friends, Miles.
I don't have any friends.
Yeah, I know but
that seemed very depressing
so we're paying these people
to cheer for you.
Now, before we find out
your current weight
let's remind all your friends
what you used to look like.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
I forgot how (BLEEP)
fat you were. Damn!
But let's see what
you weigh now.
(SCALE BEEPING)
One hundred
and ninety-seven pounds.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-What an incredible
transformation.
How did we get here?
Well, let's just roll the tape
to find out.
Okay, we're approaching
the house of
Miles Kleffman.
The 31-year old,
Caucasian male, you know.
Think Ryan Gosling.
Like if Ryan Gosling ate
a whole other Ryan Gosling
and maybe a couple more
Ryan Goslings after that.
(BELL DINGS)
Miles send us a pigeon
with a note asking
for our help
to get him in shape and
help him lose the weight.
Oh! Hello. Are we on TV?
No, this is my agent Deezy.
He's just filming
this particular mystery
to protect us from, you know,
any liabilities in the result
of your, you know, death.
Because you're so fat
and whatnot, you know.
Come on.
Thanks so much for coming.
I just feel like if I don't
get help now I don't know
how much longer
Oh, I didn't hit "Record".
Can you say that again?
PIGEON: Jesus Christ,
can you do anything?
Give the camera to
the Japanese girl and get
the (BLEEP) out of here.
(BLEEP) you, mother (BLEEP).
You get out of here.
-We're working.
-We're working?
We're working?
You're not on the team,
(BLEEP) for brains.
Well, that's not really
your call now,
is it, Pigeon?
That's Mike's call.
Mike says whether or not
I'm on the team.
PIGEON: Mike, is Deezy
on the team?
No.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
We don't have to make
decisions right now.
I mean, Mike's a got a lot
on his plate.
First, let's table this.
We can talk about it
at the next team meeting.
Uh, Miles,
you were saying, my man?
(CHEWING) I just don't know
where to start.
Well, you could start
by putting down that
What is that?
It's a cake sandwich.
What the (BLEEP)
is a cake sandwich?
Well, traditionally,
two pieces of bread
with cake in the middle.
But what I like to do is
two pieces of cake (GROANS)
With a piece of cake
in the middle.
-Mmm.
-Mmm-hmm. Okay.
Have you ever thought of
snacking on vegetables?
I like to make myself
a little crudite plate in
the afternoon
I don't like vegetables.
I don't like the way
they taste.
What about juicing?
Mmm, interesting idea, Yung.
I mean, I never had to do it.
But it is a way to
get results fast.
Maybe we can just start
with some testosterone.
A little blood doping.
Deezy could hook you up
with all that (BLEEP).
YUNG HEE: Dad, what are you
talking about?
Juicing, anabolic steroids.
Um, I'm talking about juicing
fruits and vegetables.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh
Deezy, you're gonna
wanna edit that (BLEEP) out.
PIGEON: Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about it, Mike.
I'm guessing, uh,
Scorsese over here
forgot to hit "Record" again.
-(BLEEP) you, Pigeon. I know
what the hell I'm doing.
-(PIGEON LAUGHS)
Oh, (BLEEP). Hey, can we
take that again? This button
is a little sticky.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Kleffman.
Miles's mom.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
We're here help your son
lose some weight.
What? Miles doesn't need to
lose any weight.
Why? So he can get in shape
and find a job
and meet a pretty girl
and start a family
and leave me to die alone?
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
-He is perfect just
the way he is.
-(MILES MUMBLING)
RECEPTIONIST: We basically
have three tiers
of memberships available.
I'll be honest with you.
I think our best one
is our Platinum membership
which is 36 months
at $300 down
and $29 a month.
That gets you 24-hour access
to the gym and unlimited
cardio classes and
I'm just gonna be honest
with you. You came at
the perfect time
because I think they're not
gonna offer that deal
for that much longer.
Okay, let's do it.
Hold it, Mike. 36 months?
That's too big a commitment.
We don't wanna be
involved with the same guy
for 36 months.
Come on, now.
You got anything less than
36 months?
Our Silver level is 18 months
but I'm gonna be honest
with you.
That's not as good a deal
as the Platinum.
Man, why do keep saying that?
Keep saying that "I'm gonna be
honest with you."
You know, I think is you're
a (BLEEP) liar.
How much is the Silver one?
Oh, that's $400 down
and $19 a month.
But no cardio classes
and you can only use
the locker room on
off-peak time.
And what are those times?
MAN: Well, peak times
are between
8:00 a.m. and 10 a.m.
and 12:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m.
and 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.
And that's when you can use it
or you can't use it?
Can't use it.
-MIKE: And what's in there?
-Uh, what?
What's in that locker room?
Oh, I'm gonna be honest
with you. It's just
a regular locker room.
That means he's lying.
I bet it's a great
locker room.
What is this, 1950? (CHUCKLES)
Look at this bitch,
air drying her sheets.
Oh, (BLEEP).
It's that kid's pants.
Oh, we're getting rid of
all this food
but what he really need is
rid of his that mother.
I mean she is so afraid of
being alone
that she's basically willing
to throw her own
son's life away
(LAUGHING)
That's so funny.
That's some
That's very funny, Pigeon.
I didn't say anything.
You are such an asshole.
I mean, I'm sorry
but getting this young man
a gym membership
is pointless.
Michael is delusional
if he thinks (LAUGHING)
Aw, Pigeon.
Ah, that is so funny.
What?
What did you say, Pigeon?
Well, I was talking
about this friend of mine
who went to the doctor
'cause he had a sore back
and they told him
He has about six months
to live, at most.
Man, he has two young kids.
Then, Marquess
started laughing.
You know, I don't get it.
I just don't understand
how someone could
laugh at that.
That's (BLEEP) up, Marquess.
That's real (BLEEP) up.
-YUNG HEE: Did you get the gym
membership?
-Nah.
I didn't have my wallet and
Deezy got bad credit.
We'll just had to work
him out in the backyard.
You're just a huge,
big asshole.
I'll tell you
what the kid needs
is Yung his (BLEEP).
(GASPS) What?
Huh? Calm down.
It's not what you think.
You're saying he needs
to have sex with me.
Oh. It is what you think.
I'm sorry. How would that
help him lose weight?
Let me tell you a story.
I was once a fat shit
no different than Miles there.
I was 13 and miserable.
One day my Dad shows up
out of nowhere and throws me
in the car with him.
Says we're going out
on a fishing trip.
Well, we drove all night.
He was a drunk.
Didn't talk much.
I think I was asleep when
we crossed the border
into Mexico.
Some small place.
We pulled up. I said,
"Is this the lake?"
Ha, he just laughed
and went in.
It was a whorehouse,
of course.
They brought 'em up,
lined 'em up.
He had me choose.
Oh, I'll never forget it.
Older, smelled
like cigarettes.
She laughed
and took me upstairs.
I remember looking back
at my father but he was busy,
picking out one for himself.
(SCOFFS) What a piece of shit.
My God,
what are you telling us?
Huh?
That I (BLEEP) this woman.
Yeah, I felt great for
the first time in my life.
Got a ton of confidence.
Lost a bunch of weight.
Why, it turned my life around.
Welp,
something to think about.
He is seriously disturbed.
I know, that's so crazy.
(THINKING) Or is it?
It's not like my virginity
doesn't constantly weigh
on my shoulders.
It's like a noose around
my neck.
I mean, if you look past
the physical stuff,
he is a person.
A heart, a soul. (SIGHS)
Come on, Yung.
What are you so scared of?
(INHALES)
(EXHALES) I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna lose my virginity
to Miles Kleffman.
(MILES GAGGING AND VOMITING)
DEEZY: Oh, damn!
-Yeah, okay. No, I'm not.
-You're not what?
He got it all over
my (BLEEP) shoes.
Come on, we're getting
out of here now, man.
We solved the mystery.
Mom! Mom!
Miles, honey.
What happened to you?
Oh, you poor thing.
I'm gonna draw you a bath
and then I'm gonna make you
a grilled cheese sandwich.
Shame on you people.
You pushed him too hard.
He can't do it.
Miles, you might not
wanna hear this
but if you wanna
change your life
you gonna have to free
yourself from your mother.
I know you can do this.
(EXCLAIMS)
You're covered in vomit.
MIKE: For us the journey ended
but for Miles,
it was just the beginning.
(BUTTON CLICKS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Aside from all the support
we gave you that one day,
when we were
at your house, um,
what do you think was the key
to your success?
Well, I took your advice
and went out and got a juicer.
Wow, that's tremendous.
-Let's hear it for Miles.
Come on.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Now, I'm sure it wasn't easy.
There must have been days
when you cheated on your diet.
Well (LAUGHS)
I knew it, I knew it.
Well, as a fun surprise
what do you say we take a look
at a little secret footage
that we got here from our
snack cam.
What are you talking about?
You put cameras in my house?
Roll it, Yung.
Oh, Miles.
Check those pajamas, man.
You look hungry.
What are we gonna get into?
Pie? Miles, what are you
thinking, fool?
Okay, fast forward.
Ah, (BLEEP).
What's he gonna do?
What's he gonna do?
Oh, I do that. Okay, okay,
let's see one more.
Let's see one more.
MILES: Can we just stop it?
MIKE: Come on, Miles,
we're just having some fun.
Uh-oh. Looks like your mom's
got the munchies too, Miles.
Hope you got enough bacon.
-(CLANKS)
-(AUDIENCE GASPING)
MIKE: What the (BLEEP)?
-(CLANKING)
-MAN: Oh.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
Oh Oh, my God.
(BONES CRACKING)
-(SAW BUZZING)
-(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Holy (BLEEP),
he juiced his mom!
(BLENDER WHIRRING)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
I told you, you should have
(BLEEP) him.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I taste a little nectar here,
a little orange is in there.
What's that word?
Starts with, uh
Pomegranate in here.
Pomegranate is good.
We keep calling it
Chinese apples,
it's pomegranate.
Mmm.
It could be orange.
I didn't wanna say
the word, "Juice".
There's juice in here as well.
(THEME MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)