Minder (1979) s01e06 Episode Script

Aces High and Sometimes Very Low

I could be so good for you
Love you like you want me to
I could be so good for you
Love you like you want me to
Oooh-oo-oo-oo ♪
To pairs to play.
- 500.
- 500. To you, sir.
- Gone.
- Pass.
£500 to you, please.
See the five.
Raise two grand.
2,000 more.
You don't believe my full house?
You want to call or you want
lessons? Either way it'll cost you.
I call. Called at 2,000.
Now for sure I don't believe you.
Three ladies takes it.
How you know?
Aces and nines. They were there.
Don't you watch the cards?
Deal me out.
Thank you, gentlemen and
er ladies.
Oh, hello.
- Mr Michaelson.
- Thank you.
- And 240, sir.
- Thank you.
Mr Michaelson.
I do hope you appreciate my
- I've won too much again.
- I'm delighted for you, Mr Michaelson.
But a few of the members
are feeling a bit
well, it's a bit discouraging for
Well, you get a lot of action.
- Good table money for the places.
- But they tend not to come back.
I mean, let's face it,
you're a professional
and a very good one
and er
And er?
And I think you know
what I'm going to say.
- Barred?
- Not at all, Mr Michaelson.
We'd be delighted for you to take
part in the activities of the club.
Not a question of being barred. Not
in this establishment.
We simply prefer that you
do not use the poker room.
- So I'm barred.
- I did not use that word.
Try blackjack, roulette.
Then you've got the edge. Playing
poker, I've got the edge.
Then I shall repeat - I am very
sorry, Mr Michaelson.
Well, I'm very sorry
you're very sorry.
- Maybe in six months time, eh?
- Possibly, Mr Michaelson.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mr Michaelson.
- Don't want that.
- I might.
No, I don't.
I don't want that either.
Too high.
- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Maurice.
- All right, Terry?
- Yeah, terrific, thanks.
What's the geezer's name at the bar?
- Dave.
- Dave.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, well, I wouldn't mind -
- Dave, do you do a margarita cocktail?
I do a gin and tonic cocktail, a
whisky and dry ginger cocktail,
a Bacardi and coke with ice and a
twist of lemon.
- And that's your lot.
- Give us a lager.
- A nice continental lager.
- A lager connoisseur, eh?
Whatever happened to light ale?
- What did you do that for?
- Eh?
He's got to be looking for a nine.
How should I know?
I've seen six cards go down. You must know
what you've got in your hand.
That accounts for three more.
There's only four cards he could want.
Well, course he is.
You just give him the nine.
Ah. Don't go potty, Maurice.
We're only playing for a penny a point.
- Penny a - Deal me in.
- 41.
Deal him in? The maverick
of Hendon Central? No, thanks.
So you lose a few quid. Think of the
experience you're gaining.
- 41.
- Like sandpaper this is.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't start, Maurice.
All that 'pick a card'.
Still winning?
- Eleven grand I dropped the other night.
- Yeah?
The Cincinnati Kid must have been in
I was mugged. The biggest win I've
had in months.
No wonder people always go on about
law and order.
Arthur. Arthur, that is the good
- Yeah?
- Barred from the Beaumont.
You're joking?
And the Intercontinental
and the Royal.
- They're taking away my living.
- Can't you claim for redundancy pay?
It's not funny. It's like a doctor
being struck off.
One nice continental lager.
- Cheers, Dave. Have one yourself.
- Ta, I'll have a Bloody Mary.
Oh, good(!)
- He don't care.
- Come on, be fair.
A professional man deprived of his
living because he is too good.
Is that right? That's why
I've come to see you.
Oh, yes, I do know a few of the
people who run these places.
- I could have a word with um
- Who? Who could you have a word with?
Nobody. Don't give me all that.
I'm come to see you about cos I need Terry.
Excuse me. Why don't you come and
see Terry if you need Terry?
It's no offence, Tel. I mean er
- It's a business proposition.
- Absolutely right.
The man has come to see me about
seeing you.
Oh, I see. No, I'm sorry. Sorry. Bit
out of order there.
He's coming to see you about seeing
Got it.
What is it? Find the lady down
Oxford Street?
Big game. Camden Town.
I thought it'd be a nice trip to
Monte Carlo.
Don't knock it. It's a big game.
Listen, three kebab houses changed
hands over one deal there last week.
Be handy, wouldn't it?
You'd end up with a kosher
kebab house.
Mind you,
rough game, rough people.
But not all that clever.
So I'm odds on to walk away a
- Why?
- Terry, he's the best.
No question. Number one. The man.
So I walk out the winner but the
only question is -
do I get back to Hendon with all the
Definitely. Because Terry is going
to sit up with you all night
and ride shotgun all the way home.
- Is he?
- Well, of course he is.
I mean, there's got to be,
well, how much in it for you?
Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. Maurice.
Terry, time you got a drink in.
Maurice and me will discuss
the business.
Apart from anything else it's going
to be entertainment.
I'll get the drinks.
Er, Michaelson. Maurice Michaelson.
Mr Zardinidis.
- Ah, Mr Michaelson.
- Nice to meet you.
How are you? I hear you're a very
good player.
We have reserved a special place
for you.
You have a preference?
- What about next to the dealer?
- Certainly, of course.
A brave player, that's what we like.
- this is Mr Doxiadis.
- Hello.
- George. He'll make nice suits for you.
- Hello.
- Christoforos.
- Just Chris.
This is Nick, our dealer.
Your friend also wishes to play?
Just a spectator.
Ah, well, we don't like him
to wander round the table.
- What about your friend here?
- This is Andy, a friend of Mr Doxiadis.
- He always sits there.
- Oh, I see.
- He always sits there.
- Your friend can drink at the bar.
- Now, what is your game, Mr Michaelson?
- Five-card stud.
No jokers, no leaders and bleeders,
no hole card wild, just straight
stud poker.
Good. Like the cowboys play.
That's it.
All the way from Kansas
City to Camden Town.
But we play table stakes, no limit,
£10 ante and the house takes 5% out
of every pot.
Nick, would you like to call the table?
Mr Doxiadis plays call or pass.
George is a thousand and a thousand
Chris the same.
Mr Zardinidis, two thousand table,
two thousand behind.
So, for you, Mr Michaelson.
Two thousand of plastic.
And I'll play another two behind.
- Hello.
- Just like watching?
Well, no, sometimes I like doing as
- How about you?
- I only work here.
Oh. Well, in that case,
what's Greek for light ale?
Right, gentlemen. Let's play poker.
Ace to bet.
- Win the first one, lose all night, eh?
- What the hell.
- 10.
- Call.
- Call.
- Call.
You're not out?
Pair of aces to speak.
Come on, let's keep it in English,
shall we?
- Mr Doxiadis doesn't understand English.
- He understands five red chips.
- He wants to raise you.
Just let him shove the chips in.
I'm not colour-blind.
I raise
- Mr Doxiadis says he calls.
- Check.
- Suddenly he speaks English.
Look, you've got it you bet it.
I won't better two pairs, Mr Peroxide.
Doxiadis. The name is Doxiadis.
All right Mr Doxiadis.
I check so it's a showdown. You pull
the full house. Kings on top.
I'm betting three aces.
He raises me then he actually
calls my re-raise.
- I feel lucky.
- Mr Doxiadis says -
Yeah, yeah. I understand him when he
speaks English.
He won the money, Maurice.
Well didn't he just?
Give me another two grand.
Not doing all that well your pal,
is he?
No. Neither am I.
See, I would have thought by now I'd have
arranged to meet you tomorrow night.
You don't say things
like that to Greek girls.
What don't you
say to Greek girls?
- Nothing, apparently.
- This is my boyfriend Ari.
Not Harry, Ari. It's a Greek name.
- Like a good old-fashioned Cockney 'Arry?
- That's right.
- It ain't got an H in it.
- That's 'andy.
I mean, handy.
They're funny those Hs, aren't they?
My old mum, she always used to call
Anthony Eden Hanthony Eden.
- Who?
- The prime minister.
Used to wear a black hat. A homburg.
(CHUCKLES) Good 'ere, innit?
Pair of nines to speak.
One hundred.
- Call.
- Mr Doxiadis calls.
Pair of aces. Pair of jacks.
No help.
The price of poker is going up,
gentlemen. 400.
Mr Doxiadis calls.
Why not?
Too expensive.
Trey. No help.
Four. No help.
And raise.
How much have you got there,
Nothing behind?
I'll set you in.
Three jacks on the table and you
called a £400 bet?
Then you hit the case jack,
you spend all that trying to fill an
inside straight?
I've got to call you.
And I made it.
last-card Louis, eh? What's going
on here?
What are you saying?
My five-year-old wouldn't play
poker like that and expect to win.
Are you saying it's crooked or
- I'm just saying I've seen
- All Maurice is saying is
you win a few, you lose a few.
Are you saying we're cheating
in my own club?
- I'm just saying
- You're not saying anything. Shut up.
Look, you got the dough.
No sweat, OK?
- Are you here to look after him?
- Well, yeah, but
five to one, I don't fancy the odds.
We're not all mug punters, are we?
- You nearly got us into a right punch-up.
- Don't talk.
Now you can talk.
First red light on the way home.
When you've done your money, that's
when you start to think about it.
You nearly got us both done.
Never mind the dough.
It was bent.
Bloody lights!
How can you be so sure?
You didn't get the right cards.
That's just bad luck.
What are you talking about? Poker's
odds. Percentages.
Good players win; bad players lose.
Luck (!)
I told you it's bent.
It's not all that difficult. Dealing
seconds they call it. Look.
King on top.
You deal. One, two,
three, four.
You want a king. There it is.
All you need in poker. An edge.
Do it three or four times a night
but when there's a few really nice pots,
you win.
How come you kept on playing then?
(SIGHS) It's hard to spot. There's
other people losing.
Like that that little geezer.
What's his name?
Er, George.
You get a punter like that you don't
need to cheat.
Probably drops a bundle every week.
He's a bad player.
The only time I was certain was on
that last big hand.
Well, that had to be bent.
There's something nice about Hendon
this time of day.
Must be the sun coming up over
Winchmore Hill.
Do you play?
I know where they're supposed to go.
Geezer taught me in Chelmsford.
- Do you want a game?
- I'm not all that good.
I'll give you a pawn and a bishop
and it's £100 to 20.
- Bit tasty, are you?
- No.
Come on. I'll give you two pawns and
a bishop and it's £200 to 50.
Maurice, I've just seen you drop six
and now you want to hustle me out of
50 quid.
What's going on?
Yeah, sorry. Forget it.
You're skint, aren't you?
So what's all this then? Just front?
Notice anything missing?
Well, it's a quarter to eight
and I don't see any Jewish princess.
Also, I don't hear the tiny
pitter-patter of little Clarks' sandals.
Left me. Why can't I be a wholesale
tobacconist like her father?
Bought her another house. She wants
the kids to go to Millfield.
That's a horse, innit?
Milford. Milford is the horse. Millfield
is the school. Specialises in sports.
She wants my son to be a Jewish
Nastase and the girl to be Chris Evert.
I mean, they're nice kids but
don't bet on them for Wimbledon.
You were the big winner.
Mugged for eleven grand, dropped six
tonight? Come on.
When you're a pro you mustn't be
I'd settle for £700-£800 a week.
Sometimes it's hard to get a bit of action.
Meanwhile Maureen is murdering me.
Take, take, take.
I can't pay Arthur his 300.
He'll wait a few days, won't he?
Huh. Oh, yeah.
300, eh?
- You could always sell a painting.
- They're prints.
The frames are worth more than the
- I thought you were an art lover.
- I'm a frame lover.
Like you said all front.
- I wanted ham.
- They've only got cheese.
Yeah. Used the same slicer for it
too, I reckon.
Now listen, you. Don't throw a moody
on me. It wasn't my fault.
I don't get knocked
for that sort of dough.
And what about my 60?
Don't exactly seem
like a fair split, does it?
Obviously you were gonna get bunged
a bit more.
- Oh, yeah?
- Of course.
The man did a deal. The man pays.
The man is skint.
Well, you've been over his drum.
He's got goods and chattels.
Has he got what?
Ow. Stereo, mebbe. Colour telly.
Couple of watches.
Now, listen, I'm not a tallyman.
Anyway, I thought he was supposed
to be a mate of yours.
He is a drinking acquaintance.
He owes; he pays.
All right. I tell you what. The next
time he plays,
you go with him. Get paid out on
the spot then, won't you?
- The next time he plays?
- Yeah.
Humpf. What's he gonna use for money?
I don't know. I think he's gonna ask
you for a sub.
Where you going?
Hello, sweetheart.
- Who gave you the lovebite?
- Who'd you think?
He must really like you.
- Are they all in there?
- Yeah. I don't think you're very welcome.
Don't be silly. Last time I came
here all they did was pick up money.
Look, don't make trouble.
Ari always carries a knife.
You deserve better than that, you
Do relax, Ari. I've come here on a
mission of goodwill.
What do you want?
Well, I wouldn't say no
to a cup of coffee. Turkish.
- Greek.
- Oh, that's right. Sorry, my mistake.
Excuse me.
Look, er, Maurice was out of order
the other night.
- He wants to win his money back.
- What, you're coming round team-handed?
Ari, this isn't a war.
The man lost he don't like losing.
- He accuses us of cheating.
- That was just the heat of the moment.
You're a gambler. You know what it's
like. Good player, bad loser.
So he sends you to apologise.
If you like, yeah.
Look, it's like a betting shop,
The favourite goes down and the punters
start screaming that it must be bent.
Five minutes later they're back
filling out their betting slips.
With Maurice you're not only talking
about money.
It's a question of pride.
So, he thinks he's a winner, eh?
I appreciate you coming here like a
So, OK, you tell Maurice same time,
same place, same game.
Same cards?
Who knows, Terry? That's the luck of
the draw.
Look 'ere, if you can afford to play
you can afford to pay.
Otherwise Terry has a
night in front of his telly.
I said I'm playing.
I haven't said I've got the stake.
But where are you going to get it?
What are your contacts like
in motor-trade?
- Very good.
- How about
a 1977 Lotus Eclat?
Never raced a rally. One careful
Genuine 21,000 miles on the clock.
Good music. Faultlessly maintained.
Genuine reason for sale.
Oh, as it happens,
I may be able to help.
- Cash?
- Ah.
The banks are still open.
No, you see, the trouble with this
it's a specialist motor. I mean,
pricewise they just fall out of bed.
- Forget it. I'll go to a dealer.
- What do you want a dealer for?
I've got the book.
- Lotus Eclat.
- S registration.
S. What are you asking?
- Seven grand.
- Seven? You're joking.
- It's under five in the book.
- Show me. Where?
Er The book is confidential.
For the trade only.
I can't flash the book around.
I get this from a very special
I should say four and a half.
'Ey, you've had a smash there.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's where my head
hit it the night I was done over.
It's still a flaw.
- You say five?
- Yeah, and I'm being a fool to myself.
- I'll take your five but there's one condition.
- Yeah?
I come back to you before midday
tomorrow and I give you five two
- and the motor is mine again.
- What sort of a deal is that?
- It's a steal, that's what.
- I don't come back you've got yourself a motor.
I do come back you've earned 200
quid just for parking it overnight.
- Midday tomorrow?
- Yeah.
Registration book.
Maurice, you got yourself a stake.
The thing is you said you'd get me a
nice clean four-year-old Capri.
Yeah, I will, Dave, I will. But, I
mean, a Lotus Eclat.
I thought as a personal friend you'd
like first refusal.
See. With a motor like
this you get a bit of respect.
I've heard they just fall out of the
bed pricewise.
You've heard what?
Specialist motor like this?
Look, if you're talking about
a set of wheels like this is an
In two years time you'll be making
I mean, the stereo's better than the one
you've got in the club.
That flash Maurice. Imagine how he
must have caned it.
Maurice? It's nothing to do with Maurice.
It's a second car.
Bought it for his missus.
What did she use it for? Hendon to
Harrods and back again.
I'm not kidding, Dave.
Seven and a half in the book.
To you £6,990. And I won't even be
getting a drink out of it.
- Six how much?
- Forget the odd 90.
We'll say nothing about delivery charges.
Forget the delivery, Arthur. It's
out of my league, honest.
Oh, dear. Try to do a favour.
Look, have you thought of consulting
the missus?
They love a motor like this.
She wants a caravan.
Ah, well, I might be able to help you.
I've got a friend who's got a clean
Dormobile, T registration.
He's had a stroke so it's not even
run in.
Keep looking for a nice
four-year-old Capri, Arthur.
Excuse me, you got the time, mate?
- Cheers.
- Oi, son.
You let Arthur have you right over
on that car deal.
You reckon?
Yeah. According to the evening
- He's only got it for the night.
I feel good.
I slept like a baby for three hours.
Dealt a few hands.
Had a nice light supper. Scrambled eggs,
smoked salmon. Few glasses of Chablis.
- I feel like a winner.
- You said that last time.
Maurice, the game is crooked.
Only on a few big hands. I told you.
They'll let me win a few tonight.
Don't worry.
I'm going to have an edge.
Watch me.
No hard feeling, Maurice.
How much you want to play tonight?
Five grand on the table.
Ah-ha. I think Maurice is out for revenge.
- A big open game, eh?
- Could be.
Let's go, Nick.
Hello, Ari.
Aces over wins.
Raise four.
I'll keep you honest.
Top straight.
Pair of queens. Possible flush.
No help.
- Queens to bet.
- Check.
Two pairs. Aces up.
Two pairs. Tens up.
Aces and nines to speak.
GEORGE: 500.
With a raise, another thou.
And another thousand.
Ah. Come on.
What about another grand?
Full. Aces over.
I read you for the nines over.
Brave call.
He's having a bit of luck, your mate.
Oh, I don't know, Ari. According to
Maurice it's a game of skill.
You are a big winner, Maurice, eh?
I'm up about three grand.
Long way to go. Keep 'em low, Nick.
I saw that card.
Then I don't want it.
Do I burn it?
It's a misdeal. Shuffle, cut and
deal again.
That's the house rule, isn't it?
- Hah. Well, I don't think -
Yes, Mr Doxiadis agrees. New deal.
OK. Gentlemen.
King to bet.
Straight flushing.
No help. Ace, nine -
Sorry, ace, queen to bet.
Make it three.
Straight flushing still.
No help.
Pair of nines. Pair of nines to bet.
Straight flushing still.
Three nines.
Looks nice, Maurice.
It's got to be a grand.
Looks beautiful.
Let's make it three.
- OK, I've got -
- Don't mess around with the deck, Nick.
- What do you mean?
- Don't mess around. Leave it alone.
The deal is over. You're making me
Leave the cards, Nick.
I've got to do it, Maurice.
What are you left there?
Four grand?
Well, that's the raise then.
You are called.
I got four of them.
You just came second, Chris.
But you're probably very lucky
in love.
Stella, give us a brandy.
You want a drink, Ari?
£17,000, Maurice.
And you only started out with five grand.
We never had a bigger winner.
Well Nick dealt 'em nice.
There you go, son. Can we get a cab
round here?
Oh, sure, sure. Ari, cab for Mr Michaelson.
- OK.
- Oh.
Er you haven't got a carrier bag
we could borrow, have you?
- You a mini cab?
- Yes.
Hathaway Drive, Hendon, old son.
- Do you know where it is?
- OK. No English.
Maurice, you just made the first bum
call of the evening.
Oi, we wanted to go to Hendon not
Kings Cross.
Yeah, yeah, Hendon.
- Well, which way are you going then?
- No English.
Right, Zorba, you'll either get
throttled or nicked.
This way we all go to hospital
together, don't we, Zorba?
MAN ON RADIO: Answer me.
You all right, mate?
Don't tip him. Just don't tip him.
It's Greek against Greek.
That one's for Stella.
- Maurice?
- Hello, Tel.
- Oh, dear, what is it? Ribs?
- Yeah, and I done my foot. How about you?
Nah, just hand. It's all right.
How do you feel?
I got 6-4 with the doctor I'll be
out of this lot inside of ten days.
Tell you what, if you decide to play
you might need one of these.
- Do you want to tell me anything?
I told you. All a good poker player
needs - an edge.
What, up his sleeve?
Oh, d Oh, don't don't make me
laugh, my ribs are killing me.
Come on then. Own up. How did you
manage it?
You remember the first time
we went down the Greek place?
Course I do.
Well, I noticed the make of cards
they were using.
Went out, bought a few decks,
stashed the aces in my pockets.
Do you mean to tell me when we walked
in to that club you had pocketfuls of aces?
You were taking a chance, weren't
Well, I only used them five times.
- Five?!
- Well, I didn't want to be greedy.
Notice notice I won three nice
with aces up when I was supposed to
be second best, eh?
I think Nick was beginning to tumble
it by that last big hand.
He dealt me a flush.
Now the second round of betting
there were two aces on the table.
Well, hey, anybody who'd paired with
an ace of spades
was going to stick around for one
more bet.
And when they didn't I knew it was
still in the pack.
Do you follow me?
I shoved my own ace into my own
Give myself a royal flush.
I've got it.
That's why you threw your cards
on the table so quickly after you'd won.
Kh Right. Held on to the ace,
threw the others into the pack
so even if Nick had a count up he
wouldn't come across another ace.
- 'Ere, they arrest that driver?
- Nah, he's in the ward next door.
I told the old bill it wasn't his
fault, someone carved him up.
You've got a big heart, Tel.
Leave it out. You took
12 grand off his pals.
I thought we'd done enough damage
for one night.
Mind your ribs.
I'll pop in tomorrow,
bring you some grapes.
Cheers. Won't forget it.
'Ere, Tel. Bring Arthur with you.
I'll square him up.
Yeah, I'll be seeing him later.
Your motor.
Well, er, Tel, where's my clothes?
Ow. My clothes. Nurse!
- All right, all right.
- Nurse!
- Get my clothes, Tel.
- I'll
- Nurse!
- Shut up. I'll find a nurse.
A one-owner motor. I'm sure we could
have gone for £8,250.
Now be fair. It is my trade.
Arthur. Arthur.
You're taking a right liberty,
you know that.
Oh, huh, a double liberty.
- 12 o'clock the man said.
- Well, it's only just gone, innit?
22 minutes past.
You're fast.
12:22 and 48 seconds.
Greenwich Mean Time.
And I can tell you the time in New
Delhi on this piece.
You may notice we had a bit of
- We did a deal. We touched hands.
- Oh, leave it out.
Look, in business, I go by the book.
- You know what you are, don't you?
- No, what?
- On your own.
- Since when?
Since 12:22 and however many seconds
it says
on your quartz intercontinental
barometer and timepiece.
- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Maurice.
Norman, you've got the seven and the
five in the wrong places.
- Had a bit of luck?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, good night. Hang on to
those, Tel.
Yeah, I've got the bread for you.
Now there's five grand I owe you.
That's two of it. Ta. There's the
other three.
Oh, and there's 200 for the
overnight parking.
And er
that's three from the other night.
I'm going to have to sit down for
a minute. Phew.
Er, you you've forgotten
- What?
- Last night.
Oh, no, I've paid Tel already.
Don't worry, you'll get yours.
I'm not worried. Course I'm not worried.
Are you all right?
Do you want anything?
- No.
- Glass of water?
All this gambling lark. Are you going
to give it up now?
I'm a winner.
You can't always be a winner, my lad.
You want to bet?
Cheers, Tel.
I wouldn't lay odds on that, Arthur.
You see, Maurice always has an edge.
'Ere, what did he pay you for last night?
discolor and some resync for 1337 version
If you want to I'll change
the situation
Right people, right time
Just wrong location
I've got a good idea
Just you keep me near
I'd be so good for you
I could be so good for you
I'm gonna help you
Love you like you want me to
I'd do anything for you-ou-ou
I'd be so good for you
I could be so good for you
I'll do it like you want me to
Love you like you want me to
There ain't nothing I can't go
I'd be so good for you ♪
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