Moonlighting s04e08 Episode Script

Los Dos DiPestos

Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met Along The Way We'll Walk By Night We'll Fly By Day Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way [Cheering] [Mariachi Music Playing] [People Speaking Spanish] Uh! [Church Bell Ringing] Woman: I've Been Hearing Bells Ringing For 30 Years, But I Never Heard Anything Like Those.
Worked In A Church, Huh? No.
Telephone Operator.
Retired.
Telephone Operator? How Could You Do That For 30 Years? It Rang My Chimes.
You'll Like Retirement A Whole Lot More.
A Little Souvenir.
Thank You.
Made At The Monastery.
Compliments Of Vista Buena Tours.
Woman: Well, Isn't This Swell? My Little Girl Will Like This.
I'm Visiting Her In L.
A.
On My Way Home.
Mr.
Addison You Are A Businessperson, I Am A Businessperson, And As Businesspeople, We Understand That In Order For A Business Relationship To Succeed, There Has To Be Mutual Benefit.
You Benefit From The Services I Provide.
I, In Turn, Benefit From The Satisfaction Of A Job Well Done And A Salary, Which Leads Me To My Point.
I Need A Raise.
Cut, Cut, Cut.
No, No, No.
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.
You Walk In There Like That, You'll Be Lucky To Come Away With A 30% Rollback.
But I Said Everything You Told Me To Say.
Did I Tell You To Say, "I, Agnes Dipesto, Am An Insignificant Little Gnat"? No.
Who Can't Even Pull Her Own Weight? Agnes: No! Who Should Be Replaced By An Answering Machine Instead Of Being Given A Raise? Agnes: No! I Didn't Say Anything Like That.
Not In Words, Maybe, But That's The Impression You Convey.
Agnes, You Sat Down, Giving Mr.
Addison A Higher Vantage Point From Which He Could Easily Look Down On You And Your Salary Demands.
Instead Of Drilling Him With A Glare Of Determination, You Broke Eye Contact No Less Than 17 Times.
Do You Have Any Idea What Kind Of Attitude That Conveys? That Of A Person Who Hasn't An Ounce Of Conviction About What They're Saying.
Finally-- What More Could I Possibly Have Done Wrong? You Failed To Take Control Of The Field Of Battle.
Keep The Sun To Your Back So He Has To Squint At You.
It Also Sends A Subliminal Message That There's A New Dawn Of Prosperity Coming To Agnes Dipesto.
Maybe I'm Not Cut Out To Be Cutthroat.
This Is Not About Agnes Dipesto, The Warm, Caring Person.
We're Talking About Agnes Dipesto, The Product.
But Why Can't I Just Go In There And Level With Him, Tell Him The Truth? I Need More Money, And I Think I Deserve It.
Are You Out Of Your Mind? The Truth Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Anything Here.
We're Talking About Winning.
Look, I Understand Image-Making.
I've Picked The Winners Of Every Presidential Election Since 1960 Except For The Pat Paulsen Upset In '68.
That Was Quite A Blow.
Trust Me.
I Know What I'm Talking About.
Shoulders Back.
Maintain Eye Contact.
Make Him Squint.
Hello? You Rang? Mr.
Addison.
Lucky Guess.
Of Course, You Knew It Was My Office.
Just Hanging Up The Suit, Agnes, And I Do Mean Hanging It Up, Because It Is Friday, T.
G.
I.
F.
I Am Going To Be A.
W.
O.
L.
A.
S.
A.
P.
Mr.
Addison-- While You And The Rest Of The Kids Were Out There Diligently Doing Your Clock-Watching, I Have Been In Here Hatching A Plan.
Did I Say Hatching? Yes, Hatching.
Not Only Is It Hatched, But It's About To Sprout Wings And Fly.
That's Very Nice, Mr.
Addison, But-- The Truth Is, Agnes, I Have Got To Put Some Distance Between Me And This Office, And I'm Going To Get In A Car And Drive In A Straight Line For Two Days.
You Are Not Going To Know Where I Am.
Nobody's Going To Know Where I Am.
If I'm Lucky, I Am Not Going To Know Where I Am.
Mr.
Addison-- Because I Have Got To Get Out Of Here And Get This Place Out Of My Head.
I Got To Clear The Cobwebs Out And Get The Hell Out.
Mr.
Addison! I'm Sorry.
I Know You Have Some Things On Your Mind, But So Do I, And, Well, It's Just That I Have To Ask You Something.
I'm All Ears.
Bert's Voice: Agnes, You Sat Down, Giving Mr.
Addison A Higher Vantage Point.
It's Crucial To The Future Of Our Relationship That-- Bert's Voice: Keep The Sun At Your Back So He Has To Squint At You.
That You Know Certain Facts About Me Bert's Voice: There's A New Dawn Of Financial Prosperity Coming.
Facts About My Work Record Bert's Voice: This Is About Agnes Dipesto, The Product.
Facts About My Years Of Loyalty Facts About My Value To This Office.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
Mr.
Addison, I Don't Care About Eye Contact Or About Which Back The Sun Is At Or Who Was President In 1968.
All I Care About Is That My Mother Has Lived In Bakersfield All Her Life, And She's Been Very Comfortable In Her Job As A Telephone Operator, And Now She's Retired, And She Took A Trip To Mexico, And She Decided To Stop And See Me Last-Minute On The Way Back, And I Don't Think It's Right For A Child To Be Ungrateful, And I Love Her A Lot, And I Know The Time Comes When The Kids Have To Take Care Of The Parents, And That's Ok, But I've Got A Life Down Here, And I Think That If I Don't Find A Way To Get Her One In Bakersfield, She's Going To Move In With Me, So I Need A Raise.
I Knew There Was A Period In There Somewhere.
I'm Sorry, Mr.
Addison.
It Must Sound Terrible.
My Mother--Well, She's My Mother.
She's-- It's Just That I've Lived By Myself For A Very Long Time.
I Understand.
You Get Used To Playing Monopoly In Your Birthday Suit, It's A Little Hard To Change.
But The Truth Is, Agnes I've Got To Get Out Of Here.
I Have A Lot On My Mind Right Now, And I'm Not Saying I'm Not Going To Think About This.
Let Me Think About It This Weekend, And I'll Get Back To You Monday.
Fair Enough? Fair Enough.
Give Your Mom A Hug.
If Anything Exciting Happens This Weekend, Put It On Videotape, And I'll Look At It Monday.
au Revoir.
Well? How Did It Go? Go? The Shootout At The Blue Moon Corral.
It Went Pretty Much Like I Thought It Would.
You Were Poised, Practiced, The Picture Of Blind Ambition? How Much? How Much? How Much? The Raise? The Tally? The Bottom Line? What Did We Gouge Him For? We Did Gouge Him, Didn't We? Ok.
We Got What Was Fair.
There's No Shame In That.
Agnes, Please.
Tell Me We At Least Got The Cost-Of-Living Index.
Can We Go To The True/false Questions Now? What Did He Say? Yes Or No? He Said He'd Mull It Over.
Mull It Over? That's It? It's Better Than Nothing.
Financial Limbo Is Better Than Nothing? Wondering If You Can Afford An Extra Pot Pie, A New Tube Of Toothpaste, Is Better Than Nothing? I Think Not.
Where Did We Fail? Herbert, Don't Take It So Hard.
besides, We Didn't Fail.
I Did.
It Never Quite Came Out Like It Was Supposed To.
You Mean You Choked.
No.
I Think I Coughed Once.
It's Just That I've Known Mr.
Addison A Long Time, And I Don't Know How Not To Be Truthful To Him, So I Just Told Him The Truth.
Which Truth? About My Mother.
Your Mother? That's Great.
Just Terrific.
I Give Up My Coffee Breaks, My Two-Hour Lunch, My Morning Crossword Puzzle, And My Afternoon Nap So That You Could Tap Into The Length And Breadth Of My Experience About Getting A Raise, Just To Suck It Dry And Then Spit It Out Again.
I Didn't Do Any Of That! I Think You Came In Here Intending To Fail.
I Think What You Really Want-- Is What? Is What, Herbert? What I Really Want Is For My Mother To Live With Me? Is That What This Is All About? Knock It Off, Agnes.
You Know As Well As I Do Your Mother Makes Your Life Miserable.
that's Right, Herbert.
My Life.
Mine, Not Yours! She's My Mother, And That Gives Her The Right To Make My Life Miserable, Understand? And Just Because I Don't Want Her To Live With Me Doesn't Mean That You Can't Want Her To Live With Me.
But You're Afraid She Will, Aren't You? Then You Won't Be Able To Sleep With Me Anymore! What? You Never Did Like My Mother! I Never Even Met Your Mother.
And That's Just Fine.
The Subject Of My Mother Living With Me And You Sleeping With Me Is Closed Until Further Notice.
Mommy! Agnes! It's Really Good To See You, Mom.
Oh, Honey, I Have Missed You So Much! Let Me Look At My Baby Girl.
Agnes, You're Skin And Bones.
A Few Weeks Of Home Cooking Will Fix That In No Time.
A Few Weeks? I'm Parked Outside.
And When We Say Hey! A Yip I Ow Ee Ay We're Only Saying You're Doing Fine, Oklahoma Both: * Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A * Oklahoma Yeah! Morning, Sweetie.
Did You Sleep Well? Like A Log.
I'm Making Banana Waffles.
Show Music.
Waffles.
I Feel Like I'm Right Back In Our Kitchen In Bakersfield.
The Only Thing Missing Is Bonjour, Hopping Up On The Breakfast Table, Putting Her Paw In Your Glass Of Milk.
Oh, But This Is So Much Roomier Than That Little Cracker-Box Of Ours.
Real Comfy Place You Got Here.
I've Got A Picture Of Bonjour Here Somewhere.
Oh, Mr.
Dailey Wanted Me To Be Sure To Say Hello For Him.
Mr.
Dailey? How's He Doing? Fine, Just Fine.
He's Getting Around So Much Better With His New Leg, But The Potato Salad's Really Going Downhill Since His Son Took Over The Business.
Here's Bonjour.
There's Dad.
In His Pacific Telephone Uniform.
[Fire Alarm] Oh! Baking Soda! What? To Put Out The Fire! I Can't Hear You! I'll Get Some Baking Soda! Aah! Aah! Ha Ha Ha! Sorry! What? Sorry.
What? Why Don't We Go Out To Brunch? I Can't Hear You! Why Don't We Go Out To Brunch? My Treat! You Know What It Smells Like In Here? Pancakes? American.
First Thing You Notice When You Come Back Into The Country.
Not That Mexico Doesn't Have Its Own Great Smells, But This--Pancakes, Syrup-- Nice To Be Home.
Almost Home.
So, How's Life Treating My Baby Girl? GoodI Think.
What Is It? Come On.
This Is Your Old Lady.
Spill It.
Job Ok? Well, Actually, I Asked For A Raise Yesterday.
Great.
Oh, That's My Girl.
Can't Be Afraid To Knock On The Old Strongbox Once In A While.
Never Know When There Might Be An Extra Mouth To Feed.
What About Your Bosses? Still Making Each Other Crazy? I Love An Office Romance.
Speaking Of Romance Were We? Anyone Special? Anyone? There's An Anyone.
What Does He Look Like? Tall, Dark, Handsome? His Hair Is Dark.
What's He Like, Sweetie? Does He Have A Good Job? What's His Area Code? This Isn't Like Zippy, Your Imaginary Friend? I'm Just Not Sure He's The Someone I Thought He Was.
You Said The Same Thing About Zippy.
Hey, All The Things We Do Don't Turn Out The Way They Should.
Like Retirement.
It's Not All That Different From Work, Except You Don't Have Anything To Do.
Well, I Bet You Met A Lot Of New People In Your Tour Group.
Yeah.
Real Nice People.
There Was Rich And Ruth.
They're From Pittsburgh.
And The Ellises From St.
Louis And The Mcarthurs From Bakersfield.
Bakersfield? That's Great.
Yeah.
They're Moving To Michigan To Be With Their Son And His Family.
Oh.
I Don't Really Miss My Job That Much.
Besides, If I Ever Wanted To Call Anyone From Work, I Can Always Dial Zero.
Mom.
What, Honey? How Do You Feel About L.
A.
? I Mean, As A Place.
I Mean, If--If You Lived Here, Would You Think It Was A Good Place To Live? Well, It's Not Bakersfield, But You're Here.
That's Funny.
I Could Swear That Same Man In That Same Car Was Behind Us On The Way To The Restaurant.
What Man? Oh, Yeah.
Mom, I've Been Thinking, And There's Something That I Think You Should Do About Your Future-- Our Future.
Make A U-Turn.
What? Make A U-Turn.
But I'm In The Wrong Lane.
Agnes, I'm Your Mother.
Make A U-Turn.
[Horns Honking] Aha! Why Should Anybody Be Following Me? You Work For A Detective Agency.
But This Is My Day Off.
Besides, I Just Answer Phones.
I Don't Do Car Chases.
Have You Made Your Insurance Payment? Yeah.
Put The Hammer Down.
He's On Us Like Rain On A Ball Mat.
Hang Tough, Mommy.
I Don't Know What To Do! Maybe If We Stop, He'll Just Be Willing To Talk This Out.
Before Or After He Twists Our Heads Off? [Horn Honks] He's Gone.
That's The Way To Rip Her, Nellie! I Wonder Who That Could Have Been.
License Plate.
Your Ma's An Operator.
Numbers Are My Life.
We'll Get Inside, Have A Nice Hot Bath, Dump In Some Epson Salts.
You Do Have Epson Salts? You Should Always Have Epson Salts.
And It'll Be Like This Whole Morning Never Happened.
You're Right, Mom.
It's Nice To Be-- Home? Now, Agnes, Let's Get A Grip On Ourselves, Settle Down, Think About This Logically.
Yes, Let's.
I'm Sure Whoever Did This Broke In, Got What He Wanted, And Of Course.
Besides, I'm Sure Whoever Did This Is No Longer In The Apartment.
Why Should He Be? Aah! Aah! Ma, Something Really Weird's Going On.
I'd Agree With Weird.
Had This Very Nice Breakfast Together.
Very Reasonable Prices.
Then Someone Starts Chasing Us.
Thought I'd Toss My Waffles.
Then We Come Back Home, What Do We Find? Entire Apartment Turned patas Arriba.
Spanish For Topsy-Turvy.
What Next? [Door Rattling] Woman: May I Please Get My Clothes From The Dryer? Together: Beat It! Agnes There's Only One Thing To Do: Call The Police.
I Will, And They'll Be Here In An Hour And A Half, Maybe, And Make Out A Report.
What Good Is That If Those People Come Back? What About Your Miss Hayes And Mr.
Addison? They're Not In Tonight's Episode.
Surely There's Someone We Can Call! Hello, Bert? Yes, It's Agnes.
Yes, That Means We're Talking.
No, Bert, Just Talking.
We'll Talk About That Later.
Bert I Need Your Help.
Come On, Ma.
The Coast Is Clear.
Well, Well.
Whoo-Hoo-Hoo! Pretty Swankola.
Yup.
Pretty Swankola.
Which One Is Tunney's, And Which One Is Dempsey's? This Is Miss Hayes.
This Is Mr.
Addison And ThisIs Me.
Uh! Ooh! Oh, Have Quite A Hunk Of Hardware Here.
Ooh! Real Space-Age.
Hmm! No Plugs Or Dials Like I Had To Live With.
Where's The Headset Go? Oh, Ma.
I Don't Wear A Headset.
It Squishes My Hair.
Good New, Agnes.
I'm On The Case.
Know That Plate Number You Gave Me? My Deep Throat Down At D.
M.
V.
Is Running A Check, Said He'd Call Me Back Here.
That Tailgater Had Better Back Off, Or He's Going To Get A Taste Of My Convincer.
Any Thug Throws A Scare Into My Girl, Well, He's Bought Himself A Hurr-- [Clears Throat] OhMom This Is Herbert Viola, My Co-Worker.
Your Mother.
It Is The Privilege Of A Lifetime To Make Your Acquaintance, Mrs.
Dipesto.
How Do You Do, Mr.
Violin? Agnes Never Stops Talking About You, Telling Tales Of Your Humor And Your Many Public Works.
But I Had No Idea What An Arresting Woman You'd Be.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, Bert.
Are You Sure The Two Of You Aren't Sisters? [Both Laugh] Oh, You Have Quite A Way With The Maple Syrup, Mr.
Violin.
Keep Pouring.
Or Screw On The Cap.
Oh, I Hope We Haven't Spoiled Your Day Off.
Oh, Don't Even Give It A Second Thought, Mrs.
Dipesto.
I Understand You've Just Come From Mexico.
Hmm.
I Was There Once Hunting Jaguars.
[Telephone Rings] For Old Time's Sake? [Ring] You've Reached Blue Moon.
We're Delighted You Called.
If You're In Dire Straits, We're Completely Enthralled.
But You'll Have To Call Back.
Please Don't Be Opposed.
Check Your Calendar, Blockhead.
It's Saturday.
We're Closed.
Huh? Okey-Dokey.
It's For You, Sonny.
Bravo.
Viola Here.
What Do You Got? Uh-Huh.
No Kidding.
Why Doesn't He Shave? Thanks.
The Car Is Registered At Ajax Rentals, Reserved Yesterday By A Senor Arridondo.
If We Stop By Ajax, We Can Get The Address.
You Stay Here, Ma.
Mm-Hmm.
You Sure, Uh-- I Want To Go.
Mom, You'll Be Safe Here.
Lock The Door Behind Us.
Don't You Get My Little Girl In Any Hot Water, Young Man.
Word Of Honor, Ma'am.
Arridondo's Motel Should Be Coming Up Soon.
You Know I Got To Tell You It's Easy To See Where You Get Your Charm Your Wit, Your Flowerlike Beauty.
Your Mom Is Quite A Gal.
Thank You, Herbert.
Of Course, It's A Crying Shame Such A Frightening Episode Has To Happen While She's Here, You Know Visiting.
A Scare Like This Must Really Make Her Miss The Old Homestead, Huh? I'll Bet Nothing This Harrowing Ever Happens To Her There, Not On The Quiet, Dusty Streets Of Bakersfield.
I Hear They've Got Quite A Brussels Sprouts Festival There Every Year.
Herbert.
Agnes.
You First.
After You.
Well-- Agnes, I Just Want To Say I'm Sorry, Ok? About Last Night, Our Little Tiff.
I Wanted To Talk About That, Too.
Just Let Me Finish, Get This Off My Chest.
I Was Thinking About It All Night Alone, And, As Far As I'm Concerned, You Do What You Think Best.
I'm Glad To Hear You Say That, Herbert.
You Are? Yes, I Am Because I'm Going To Ask Her To Move In With Me.
I Know You Have Misgivings About It.
The Truth Is, So Do I, But I Can't Keep Lying To Myself One Minute Longer About What My Responsibilities Are.
I Hope You Understand.
Yes, Well It Is, Uh, Certainly The Proper Thing To Do.
I'm Glad You Agree.
I'm Glad You're Glad.
I'd Hate To Think You Didn't.
Me, Too.
Then It's Settled.
A-Ok With Me.
Liar! Liar? You Don't Want Her Here.
I Do Too! You Do Not! Do Too! Do Not! Too! Not! Here We Are The Harmony Inn.
[Breathing Heavily] Damn! [Glass Breaks] What Happened? What Do You Mean, "What Happened?" I Mean, Where Were You-- Stopping Off For Coffee? Or Maybe Checking In First? It Just So Happens, I Wanted To See If The Coast Was Clear, Take A Look At The Room, Make Sure Everything Was Safe.
You're Lying.
I Am Not Lying! Yes, You Are.
No, I'm Not.
Are! Not! Are! Not! Are! Listen, Miss I'm-Not-A-Detective, I'm-Just-Along- For-The-Ride.
Maybe Next Time, You'd Like To Crawl In The Window, And I Will Sit In The Car And Do My Nails! Do My Nails? Do My Nails! Do You Know What That Is? Do You Know What That Is? That's Sexism! Isn't That Stooping A Little Low, Even For You? Even For-- And What About A Not-So-Veiled Remark About A Person's Size? Isn't That A Little Desperate, Even For You? Are You Calling Me Desperate? Are You Calling Me Short? If The Size 4 Fits Man: Shut Up In There! Can We Get Back To Secretly Breaking In Now? If That's What You Want.
That's What I Want.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
Good.
Probably Got Stuck In The Window.
Aargh! [Anything You Can Do Playing] What Are We Looking For? We Are Looking For Anything That Will Tell Us Who He Is.
Thank You.
You're Welcome.
Ok.
I Was Lying.
It's Not Exactly Music To My Ears About Your Mother, But I Don't Have Anything Against Her.
I Just Want To Keep Something Against You.
What I Mean Is This Thing That We Have This Reason That You've Given Me For Waking Up Before The Alarm It's Important To Me And If Anything Were To Keep It From Fully Expressing Itself-- Bert I Know How You Feel But She's My Mother.
After All Those Years Of Everything She's My Mother.
[Door Opens] I'm Sorry.
I Should Have Knocked, But I Only Paid For A Single.
Wait A Minute.
We Can Explain.
We Just Came In To, Uh To Get The Hair Out Of The Drain And, Uh To Clean The Toothpaste Off The Mirror.
And Now, Well The Drain's Draining.
And You Could Eat Off The Mirror.
If You Like That Kind Of Thing.
So I Guess We'll Just Be On Our Way.
Uh, Clara Dipesto Is Your Mother.
What Do You Want From Her? She Didn't Do Anything To You.
Why Are You Doing This? Wait, Wait.
I'm Not Here To Hurt Anybody.
The Truth Is, Your Mother's Being Used In A Smuggling Operation By A Tour Agency.
They Book Trips To Mexico For Tourists No One Would Ever Suspect Or Search, Like Your Mother.
Then They Sneak Contraband Into The Tourist's Possession.
When The Tourist Gets Home, The Agency Robs Them, Steals Back The Smuggled Goods, No One's The Wiser.
Bert: And You? Oh, I'm A Detective, Just Like You.
I've Been Undercover On This For Months To Make Sure Your Mother Wasn't In On It.
But This Is A Ruthless Bunch On Her Tail.
Oh, My.
She's Alone.
Ma, It's Us.
Mom? Oh, No.
Don't Worry.
Don't Worry.
She Probably Just Went Down To The Corner For A Steak Sandwich Or A Wrench Or Something.
Mom Doesn't Eat Wrenches.
I'll Never Forgive Myself If Anything Ever Happens To Her.
Mom? Who'd Want To Hurt Her? My Mom's Just A Mom.
Mom? Please Be In There.
Mom, It's Agnes! Clara: Hold Your Water.
I Was Taking A Nap.
You Know Me--Close My Eyes, I Can Sleep Through A Train Wreck.
[Loud Thuds] Hoo! Anything Wrong? Mom, You're In A Fix.
Who's That With Mr.
Violin? Mr.
Viola.
Mr.
Viola's With Mr.
Violin? No, No, No.
I'm-- Never Mind.
Senor Arridondo, This Is Mrs.
Clara Dipesto Of The Bakersfield Dipestos.
Mom, He's A Detective, Arridondo And Sons Of Guadalajara.
He Followed You Here, Looking For A Statue.
The One You Received In Mexico, Mrs.
Dipesto.
I Believe A Mr.
Burden Gave It To You.
It Was Only A Trinket, But He Placed Some Very Valuable Stolen Gems Inside.
He's A Cutthroat Who's Left A Trail Of Murdered Bodies In His Wake In A Bloodthirsty Quest To Retrieve His Statue.
He Was Such A Good Bus Driver.
Perhaps You Have The Statue With You.
I Don't.
It's Back At Your Apartment, if Whoever Broke In Didn't Take It.
Burden Robbed Your Apartment? Burden Robbed My Apartment? Burden Robbed Your Apartment! He Was Such A Good Bus Driver.
Look At This Place.
Yeah, That Wallpaper Has Got To Go.
[Speaking Spanish] He Says, "My God.
This Isn't Good.
" [Speaking Spanish] "The Blue Poodle Yips At The Hovering Pontiac.
" Scum.
They Grabbed The Booty.
That One Totally Stumps Me.
All Right! Everybody! Into The Bedroom! Time To Brush Up On Our Spanish.
Bert: Mr.
Arridondo, What Are You Doing? Clara: No, No, Bert.
Senor Arridondo [Speaking Spanish] Let's Just Say I Followed This Case Too Long To Let Burden Keep Those Jewels To Himself.
And I've Worked Too Long To Let You Waltz In Here And Take Them.
Work? You Call Theft Work? and What Is It You're Doing? They Call This The Mexican Stand-Off.
All Right, Kids.
Touch Your Toes.
[Arridondo Speaking Spanish] Burden: Speak English.
Now Say Your Prayers.
Clara: Shake Out The Rug.
Arridondo: No, Yours! Clara: The Double Rug Fall.
I Saw It In "The Show Of Shows" Once.
Let's Get Someone To Help Us! I'm Not So Sure My Neighbors Are The Helping Type.
[William Tell Overture Playing] [All Screaming] Come Back! I'm So Lonely! [Animal Growling Loudly] Oh! Oh! Aah! Please! I'll Do Anything! Anything! Oh! Ah! Ah! [Alarm Ringing] Hmm.
Please Don't Go! My Husband Is A Monster! Lady, I Don't Care If-- All: Hell's Angel! [Woman Screams] Aah! What Was All That? Oh, Just A Little Homage To The Golden Age Of Tv Comedy.
Nice Try.
All Right.
Now Shall We Get Back To Those Jewels? My Thoughts Exactly.
Aargh! [Men Groaning] Excuse Me, Ma'am.
My Wife Explained Your Intentions Weren't Of A Sexual Nature, Asked Me To Stop By And Apologize.
Well, Thank You.
It's Nice To Know I Have Good Neighbors.
Don't Worry, Agnes.
Hang A Few Beads, And You'll Still Have Your Privacy.
Clara: Honey, Your Birthday's Coming Up.
Why Don't You Let Your Mom Buy You A New Door? The Police Should Tote The Note After The Collar We Gave Them.
That Arridondo Guy Was Big-Time-- Murderer, Smuggler, Jewel Thief.
I Don't Know.
Guess That's What Happens When You Leave A Man Undercover Too Long.
Tracking Those Emeralds Across The Country Slimeball By Slimeball.
He Went Bad, Even Killed, And For What? A Couple Of Green Rocks Nobody Could Even Find.
Well, You Know What They Say-- There's A Little Larceny In All Of Us.
Yes, But As A Fellow Detective, I Would Like To Think That Under Similar Circumstances, I'd Be Able To Hold Myself To A Higher Code Of Professional Ethics, That I'd Never Put Personal Gain Ahead Of Honor.
Because, In The End, Justice Is Its Own Reward.
Herbert Why Don't You Take That Load Of Rubbish Down To The Dumpster? Ok.
He's A Good Man.
Yeah.
He Likes You.
I Like Him.
Seemed To Have Your Interest At Heart.
Reminds Me Of Your Father A Little.
Mom I've Been Thinking.
Why Don't You Move To Los Angeles? Clara: Hmm? You Could Live Here With Me.
You Could Have Your Own Room, Your Own Tv.
We Could Share The Cooking And The Cleaning.
Thank You, Sweetie.
You Left The Nest A Long Time Ago.
Now You Have A Nest Of Your Own, And You Should Share It With Someone Other Than Your Mother.
Mr.
Violin Maybe? Herbert.
All I Was Saying Is, Go.
live Your Life.
Don't Worry About Me.
Yeah, But Just Because I'm Living My Own Life Doesn't Mean That I'm Going To Turn My Back On My Family.
You're Living On A Fixed Income.
Dad Didn't Exactly Leave You In Clover And You're Not Getting Any Younger.
Neither Are You.
Ha Ha Ha! Oh, Sweetheart.
You're So Loving And Considerate.
You'd Never Say So, But My Guess Is That You And Herbert Were Doing Just Fine Until I Came Into Town.
Mom.
Agnes, You Don't Know How Determined Your Old Mom Is To Not Be A Burden Determined Enough To Try My Hand At International Jewel Theft.
I Figure There's Enough Green Ice Here To Keep Me Cool During My Golden Years.
I Had A Good Think After You And What's-His-Name Left The Office.
Suddenly, It Hit Me.
Maybe They Were After Me.
Maybe I Had Something They Wanted.
So I Took The Statue Out Of The Purse, Crackeroo, Presto-- Emeralds! Then You Came Back Here, Made It Look Like The Jewels Were Stolen And Then Got Back To The Office Before We Got Back.
Wow! You're Set For Life.
I Didn't Raise My Daughter To Have A Thief As A Mother.
Turn These In To The Police.
They Don't Belong To Me.
But the Rewardo Muy Grande Offered By The Government Of MexicoDoes! Oh! Oh! [Knock Knock] Good Morning, Mr.
Addison.
Hi.
How Was Your Weekend? Pretty Good.
Stared At The Wall And Scratched My Head For 48 Hours.
Mr.
Addison, About That Raise I Wanted-- You Got It.
I Do? Yeah, I Kicked Some Numbers Around For A While, Tried To Figure Out How I Could Afford To Give It To You.
Then I Realized I Couldn't Afford Not To.
You Are M.
V.
P.
, Agnes.
I Am? Mm-Hmm.
You Run Blue Moon, Agnes.
I'd Give You The Sky If I Could.
Thank You.
Got To Take Care Of Mom.
Actually, Sometimes I Think Mom's Still Taking Care Of Me.
That's The Good Thing About Families.
Take Care Of Each Other.
Eh, You Fight, Yell At Each Other, Push Each Other's Buttons.
Bottom Line Is A Family Is A Pretty Good Thing To Have.
Yeah.
Family Is A Pretty Good Thing To Have.
So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way There Is The Sun And Moon They Sing Their Own Sweet Tune Watch Them When Dawn Is Due Sharing One Space We'll Walk By Night We'll Fly By Day Moonlighting Strangers Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment Captioned By The National Captioning Institute --TC6 WAS HERE--