Moonshine (2021) s02e06 Episode Script
Mommy Issues
1
RHIAN: Previously, on "Moonshine:"
- Mom, who are you talking to?
- Shit.
- You gonna tell them or am I?
- No one. (CHUCKLES)
You will be the best mom.
It'll come naturally to you.
Your services are no longer required
by Crystal Clean, or Crystal!
I'm a little stressed.
Maybe what you're really
upset about isn't Ryan.
I'm new to the crime thing,
but Crystal says
we may have unintentionally
started a turf war.
There will be some retaliation,
but things, things will calm down.
- I'm worried about our sister.
- What about your sister?
She's been boning that biker
and now she's gone AWOL.
I'm pretty worried about her myself.
Hello? Who's there?
- (LAUGHS)
- (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS, SIGHS)
(HEAVY BREATHING, FOOTSTEPS
CRUNCH IN THE FOLIAGE)
I've imagined my death
many, many times.
Who are you?
Skull fracture
when my Pilates reformer fights back.
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- Where are you taking me?
Shark attack in any body
of water larger than my tub.
- (CAR STARTS)
- God dammit!
Heart failure when my kid isn't
home and it's 2:00 a.m..
But suffocating in a musty bag
that smells like pecorino and sage?
Not on the list.
(GASPING BREATHS) Hey! (SNIFFS)
That is pecorino and sage.
Bought for the pasta the kids
barely touched last week.
A lovely white sauce
with crumbled sausage
over orecchiette and
wait a minute. Is this
(SNIFFS) beach sand? And
the ugly sandals that
I borrowed from Mom?!
You're kidnapping me in my own car?
That is cold!
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- Ah! Let me go! Ah!
There is no damage I can't repair!
There are no wrongs that
can't be made right!
I am a problem solver, and I
(GASPS)
Mom?!
(GASPS)
Never in my life did I think
I would encourage this,
but you've got a lot
of talking to do, Missy.
Or say adios to those
fancy fingernails.
(PLIERS CLICK)
Morning, Sunshine.
What?!
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
I know we come from crazy,
but this is a whole other level
of Cuckoo's Nest, it's insane,
it's super illegal,
- and it's just plain rude!
- You'd know, you seem to have
cornered the market on all three.
So gaga for some dude,
you're hijacking trucks?!
I am not gaga for some dude!
Oh, so that's a "yes"
on the hijacking, wow.
Oh, I'd like to point out
that kidnapping is a much more
serious offense than crab theft.
This is hardly a kidnapping, Dear.
No? Bag over the head,
forcing me in the back seat,
- long walk in the woods
- Think of it more as a
a rite of passage.
(SIGHS) Where are you guys taking me?
O Hollow.
The retreat where you and
Aunt Felicia used to get sauced
- and howl at the moon?
- Retreat? That's generous.
Mom, look,
I realize how some of my
activities of late may look,
but I swear, I have it
all under control.
- You feel in control?
- Yes.
- Whoa! Yes!
- (KEYS JINGLE)
Yes! Shit!
No! No!
- No! Ah!
- Oh! Ow!
(PAINED GRUNTS)
- Fine.
- (NORA AND LIDIA GASP)
(KEYS JINGLE, LEAVES RUSTLE)
- Come on!
- Seriously?!
(SIGHS) So, now what?
We get you back to some
semblance of sanity.
So we're going to die here.
That's great.
That's great.
That really hurts!
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS FORCEFULLY)
Why, Higher Power?
Why do you forsake me?
(SIGHS)
(PANTING)
I forgive you,
for not coming to dinnervention.
And for not coming home last night.
I was dropping Sammy off
at his grad school interview.
And Rye, the drive gave me
some time to think.
And that thinking got me
thinking that I
I think I have some more
thinking to do.
So I am going to go stay
at my Mom's for a bit,
and give you some space.
I don't want space.
I want closeness.
Like in a buried coffin,
six feet under,
but alive forever.
Okay, like, nothing
about that is romantic.
I just want our bodies
and souls intermeshed,
where I don't know where
you start and I begin.
Yeah, I just, I'm thinking
that the space thing
might be a little bit better.
How much space?
Like, arm's-length? Like, a flag-pole?
Okay, Babe
How about one end
of the beach to the other?
- Rye!
- Yeah?
Where is the big suitcase?
And not the one that
you dry your weed in.
♪
(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
(CHIMES CLUNK)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES)
This brings back memories.
Name one.
Well, we were mostly
stoned to high Heaven
or blackout drunk, so
Memories of oblivion, great.
That is exactly what this is,
oblivion.
No cell service,
rations to last us what,
a couple hours?
No way to escape, another way
I didn't plan on dying.
At least we'll be together.
We'll start voting on
who eats who first
- as soon as the chips are gone.
- The chips are gone.
- Okay, I surrender.
- Oh, great.
Consider me officially kidnapped.
- Now what?
- Deprogramming.
We're gonna scrub you
of that greasy sexpot Gale.
A sudden change of tune.
Well, hijacking a 18-wheeler
full of snow crab
will do that to you.
So you're gonna deprogram me?
How? Hmm?
Yeah
I don't know.
Are you seriously relying on
me to come up with the plan?
Real change comes from within.
Well, this is so stupid!
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(HORNS HONK, TRAFFIC HUMS)
(DISTANT RUMBLE OF TRAFFIC)
(SNORES)
♪
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(WAKING GROAN)
(SIGHS)
(TAPS)
Hey, your pain is my pain, Brother.
Are you seriously making
this about you, Ryan?!
- (FIGHTING GRUNTS)
- Don't touch me!
Hey! Ah! Sammy!
By the way, Celine Dion
is your favourite, not mine!
Hey, Sammy! Come here! Oh no!
Ow! Sammy! Stop it!
Oh, I swear to God ow!
(FIGHTING GRUNTS)
Asshole!
- (FIGHTING GRUNTS)
- Stop it!
♪
The Moonshine.
♪
(BIRDS CHIRP)
- You've been keeping secrets.
- But I
Something you've been annoyingly vocal
- that we not do.
- Listen
- Hypocritical much?
- Oh, fine! Fine!
- Keep it coming.
- All right,
did you know that your
boyfriend is probably
involved in the disappearance
of Milk Crate Mike?
Who the hell is Milk Crate Mike?
One more listener I do not have.
A dude I dated. Short romance,
long dick, exceptional girth.
Anyhoo, your boyfriend's
little gang
They're not a gang,
the Marauders are
uh, motorcycle enthusiasts.
Well, they enthusiastically
offed Milk Crate Mike.
Who knows what could've been?
You have no proof of that,
and last I checked,
it isn't a crime to sleep
with a guy who probably
did not abet in the murder
of some dude
whose girth you enjoyed
for a short time.
- Can we go now?
- Uh, nope!
Ow!
We haven't even gotten
to the whack job part of it.
You've been talking to yourself.
Like, a lot.
You want to talk to yourself,
get yourself a job
hosting a radio show
in some Podunk town.
You want to go crazy,
at least be original.
Guys
I'm not going crazy, and I am not
talking to myself.
Are you talking out loud to someone
no one else can see?
♪
Maybe.
- It's Felicia.
- As in our dead Aunt,
whose remains you shot
out of a potato gun?
As in dead, immoral
saboteur of my plans,
hopes and dreams, Felicia?
Oh, that witch!
Holy shit, she was a witch.
And you're a witch.
And this is where you coven-ed.
Felicia swore if anyone
touched her trailer,
she'd come back and haunt them.
- I didn't think she meant it.
- No one's haunting anyone.
It's just me, this is my
conscience manifesting, I think.
Like an imaginary friend,
but for 40-something women.
This actually makes a lot of sense.
Around Lidia's age,
Felicia started to change.
Dating that crook Jill LeBlanc,
writing in those journals,
casting spells made out of
dead butts, and dollar store glitter.
Do all Finley-Cullen women
go off the rails eventually?
Well, it affects some
more than others.
Oh, do not play the normal
card with me, woman!
We have to banish the crazy for good.
And right now, you're at
the front of the line.
How do you suggest we do this?
(GASPS) We exorcise the bitch.
♪
(SHAKERS RATTLE)
♪
Oh, Dad, don't freak out.
Oh, I am way past freaked out.
I rerouted from my Hamptons weekend
with the specific goal
of freaking out!
(CALMING EXHALE)
- Are you okay?
- She's not pregnant.
I haven't even had sex yet.
Summer's not over yet, though.
(SIGHS) So there's no drummer
from a Tool cover band
taking you to Buffalo?
Buffalo?
That should've been a tell.
We're worried about Mom,
and weren't sure if you'd come,
you know,
given everything that
happened last month.
Uh-huh?
And what is wrong
with your mother now?
She's been acting like a crazy person.
We have no idea where she is.
She missed Ryan's dinnervention
and hijacked a truck,
and now she's not answering her phone.
What? Say that middle part again.
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS,
ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
What in the
ELEANOR: Mom's new boyfriend.
His name's Gale.
Gale?!
Yeah, he's got a sweet tat
of a cobra on his torso.
Well, hmm, we saw him naked
in the outdoor shower.
Daniel. Husband
ex.
Presently concerned
about Lidia's whereabouts.
Wait, she's not here?
We assumed she was with you,
adding more felonies to her resume.
Okay, okay, kids,
I think I need to have
a talk with Gale alone.
FINN: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Just man to man.
Mano y mano.
ELEANOR: Patriarchy much?
It's our Mom in trouble.
- We wanna help.
- She's not in trouble,
I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation
Gale.
But while we have this
gender-neutral conversation,
why don't I give you guys
my whole wallet,
and car keys,
and you guys go grab some grub.
Seriously, Mom is fine.
Okay, how not fine is she?
Well, one of my guys saw a blonde
bagged and dragged off
into the woods last night.
Bagged?!
Dragged?!
Oh my God! We need to call the police.
No cops.
I can do whatever the Hell I want.
Who the Hell are you?!
I'm her husband!
Hm. Ex-husband.
No, not until the divorce
settlement is approved
by the courts of New York City,
my friend, not until
Phone.
Why?
Because I want to play Candy Crush.
Okay.
(TRAFFIC HUMS IN THE DISTANCE)
(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
(SIGHS)
Hey, your pain is my pain, Bro.
Bring it in.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Look up Moonshine Campground,
Nova Scotia.
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(WHIRRING)
(WAVES LAP, FOOTSTEPS THUD)
Are you okay?
Okay is a relative state, Pops.
I'm just trying to get through
the day without having a drink,
but man, if I couldn't chug
a 24, and it's not even noon.
Is that why you're doing something
- I've never seen before?
- What's that?
Your job, Son.
I had no idea it was
such a solid distraction.
I should've started years ago.
That would've been good.
Crystal moved out.
And Sammy hates me.
This job is all I have now.
For what it's worth, you got me, Kid.
♪
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(SHAKERS RATTLE)
BEA: As you lay upon the earth,
I summon the rest of the elements.
Air.
Fire, but I'm gonna need this
back as soon as we're done.
And the sea.
(WATER SPLASHES)
I literally have a spruce
branch up my butt,
and not in a good way.
There's gotta be a more
efficient way of beating
some sense into her,
like, actually beating some
sense into her?
Hail to the Guardians
of the Watchtower
from the North, South, East, and West.
Hear me! Hear us!
- BEA: What the Hell?!
- (SIGHS)
It's from "The Craft." 1996.
I was thinking more "Fight Club."
BEA: Usually, Felicia and I
would just chant,
"five flip efforts"
- over and over again.
- And that means?
It's an anagram for
"Eff off evil spirits."
(WHISPERS) Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: (CHANTING)
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
You know this is your fault, right?
Just tell them why
you're laundering money.
And why you got all Boxcar Bertha,
- and jacked the crustaceans.
- No,
I don't want to involve them.
- Oh, how very "Bea" of you.
- Shut up!
You shut me up. I'm in your head.
Shit! I am crazy.
You think nobody can do
this better than you?
You think, you like the weight
of the world on your shoulder.
Kid, you've got to get over
this martyr complex.
No, what I've gotta do
is pay a massive tax bill.
Secrets and lies.
You know how this ends, don't you?
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Yeah, I do.
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
(LIDIA SHRIEKS, GROANS)
(SCREAMS) Whoa!
Damn! Ew!
(SOBS) Ew! Oh!
FELICIA: (LAUGHS) That's shit.
(SIGHS) Go away!
I have it under control.
(SIGHS, GASPS)
You can't run from yourself, Lidz.
I'm sure as Hell gonna try.
(SCREAMS) Oh no!
DANIEL: How are you not sweating?
Like, do you not have pores?
Stress induces sweat.
Can I just step outside
to get a breeze?
I promise I'm not gonna run
or retaliate.
I'm a half-Jewish architect
from Brooklyn.
The scariest thing about me
is occasional irritable bowel
syndrome.
Please.
Lidia is the mother of my children.
I took a vow to defend her.
Surely that's something
you can understand.
Vows? Codes?
Blood oaths?
You need to tell me what is going on.
You tell me right now,
or I swear to God
(SIGHS)
I will call my lawyer.
Lawyers are not gonna solve this.
Sit.
I'd prefer to stand.
Now.
Fine. I will sit.
But only because heat rises.
Okay, Lidia and I may have done a deal
that pissed off some people.
The LeBlancs, who may have
taken her as retaliation.
(GASPS) Oh my God!
My guys are out looking for her.
We should be out looking for her!
CRYSTAL: Excuse me!
What are you doing here?!
What are you doing here?! (GASPS)
What is he doing here?!
What are you doing here?
- Uh, looking for Lidia.
- Why?
- It's none of your business.
- Crystal, where is she?
It is definitely none
of your business!
Oh, wait.
Did something happen to Lidia?
That's not why you're here?
Well, no, I'm here to give
her the first installment
of my loan payment
for my Crystal Clean van.
I think your mother took
Lidia as payback
for us hijacking her truck.
Oh.
That wouldn't surprise me.
♪
Look, I know that you know
how dangerous my mother is,
and I know that you know
that she knows
that you jacked her snow crabs
to purposefully to start a turf war.
So if you know what's good for you,
you will let me go,
I will let her know,
and then maybe, just maybe,
you will make it out
of this campground alive.
You know?
Or I can keep you here
until your mother tells us
what she did with Lidia.
Until I know she's safe,
nobody leaves.
Cool.
♪
BEA: Lidia!
NORA: Lidia?
Lidia!
Well, one thing's for damn sure,
she won't survive if we don't
find her by sundown.
The highway's not that far.
Oh, she got lost in a garden
centre once.
I found her in a fetal position
behind the dwarf hydrangeas.
We must obey the three
rules of tracking:
One, be quiet, and listen.
Two, know the tracks well.
Three
know the dung better.
Where I go, I go alone.
Perfect, because I am going no further
into those woods with these shoes.
No one should go anywhere
in those shoes.
And as for you, I'm not letting
a knocked-up whack job
- go out there alone.
- No choice.
Neither of you know dung for shit.
♪
♪
(ECHOING HOWL)
(CROW CAWS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(TAMBOURINE RATTLES)
It's a dried-up blonde hair
with a dark root, and a split end.
Some mother on a stress bender.
Fear!
I've got you now, Lidz!
(LOUD WHOOP)
(ANIMAL GRUNTS DISTANTLY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Ow!
NORA: So, Mom
the dude at Ryan's dinnervention
- Davide.
- Davide!
Now, you'd think an actor
would be able to do
a decent British accent, no?
He really is quite brilliant.
Whoa, Mama has a lady-boner.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
The gutter is a key tool of my trade.
Things with you and Terry seem cozy.
Yeah, well,
real relationships are harder
than secret love affairs,
who'dve thunk?
You only really get to know someone
through the intimate day-to-day.
The man hikes at dawn.
Flosses after every meal,
I can only take so much hygiene.
So not the love of your
life, after all?
Is there any wine in this old cabin?
♪
(SIGHS) End of an era.
Mmm!
Felicia and I bottled this ourselves.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
It might be vinegar by now, but
it should do the trick.
Okay, well, here's to
(CORK POPS) "doing the trick."
Mm! That'll do it.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(LEAVES RUSTLE)
(SIGHS)
Okay, Sister, I am feral,
hungry, and some-ah-
plant just gave me a rash.
I am not in the mood for bullshit.
Tell me which way to the highway, now!
(SOBS QUIETLY)
Rhian?
- Are you crying?
- No.
I was just making these sounds
to lure in my prey,
and, see, sucker, it worked.
What's going on?
Just ah,
dehydration cramps from hunting you.
That's not a thing, I don't think.
♪
I felt a twinge.
I went to pee, and there was blood.
- (SOBS)
- Oh.
(SIGHS)
(SOBS)
I know the baby is just
a cluster of poppy seed
sized-cells, but
it was my cluster.
(SOBS)
Okay, come here.
(SOBS)
So, how long has this been going on?
You and Lidia?
A couple weeks.
Oh. I didn't think you were her type.
Why?
Because I don't treat her
like an afterthought?
They say you should never
make someone a priority
who only considers you an option.
But they also say that
you find a partner
who reminds you of your Mom,
so, that's not me.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, wait.
Is Ryan like my Mom?
They both get into trouble,
and expect me to bail them out,
they're brunette,
with super-toned arms,
and a thing for boobs!
So based on you dating Lidia,
I guess that would also make
your Mom a demanding,
impulsive, over-talking A-Type?
I think you mean a smoking hot fox
who's a dynamo in the sack.
I grew up in a trailer
with really thin walls.
Okay, that is all kinds
of traumatizing.
Why?
Do the natural impulses
of the human body
make you uncomfortable, Daniel?
What about your Mom?
Was she a cheater, too?
No. My Dad, actually, but my Mom
my Mom was a-a real piece of work.
Ugh. Mommy issues alert!
Mommy issues alert!
No wonder you ruined your marriage.
Are you having a seizure?
No, I (SIGHS)
I really have to pee.
♪
What? What?!
♪
(DOOR OPENS)
So why did you ruin your marriage?
CRYSTAL: Because he's one of those men
that has all of the nice things,
but he still wants more nice things.
Even though most people
don't have any nice things!
Maybe she's right.
I had it all.
But Marcie, my assistant,
oh my God, that sounds so cliché,
she made me feel like I was more.
Also cliché.
Anyway, nobody knew,
so nobody was getting hurt, right?
But in retrospect,
I was hurting everyone
the entire time.
I ruined my own life.
CRYSTAL: Nailed it!
(SCRAPING, CLATTERING NOISES)
Shit!
♪
Robin!
♪
(CAR RUMBLES)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
♪
(WAVES LAP)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(WAVES LAPS)
♪
ELEANOR: Okay. New song content?
Okay, what about animals in captivity?
- Cool.
- Lobsters go
Bruce! Bruce, come on, let us play!
(SIGHS) You're not even old
enough to drink at a bar.
- No!
- We're old souls.
And we've been through
a lot this summer.
Sure, you're wealthy,
white, educated kids.
You've seen hard times.
- We have a ton of originals.
- Like?
"Big City," "Cabin Fever," "Fire Me,"
"Green Sweater," "Sexting My Ex"
Hmm. Dig deeper, Kid.
(SCOFFS)
(SIGHS)
- We could write about Mom.
- Oh my God, yes.
Artistic therapy, like,
a way to express she's
gone totally batshit.
"She said this would be a vacation,
not a criminal ideation,
back where it all began,
on the hunt for a smokin' hot man"
- Yes, that's good.
- Okay, write that down. Write that down.
Hey, can I help you?
Uh, a bottle of water, please.
I'm protesting plastic.
But I can give you a cup
for a quarter.
Deal.
- Anything to eat?
- (LAUGHS) Nah.
Thanks. I know how the clams
get fried in this place.
I worked here one summer
when I was your age.
Oh, you must know our mom, then.
- You're Nora's kids?
- Oh, I wish.
Our mom's Lidia.
Well, if you look around,
my name is carved in a wall somewhere.
Best job ever.
- For real?
- For reals.
Hmm, you worked here and survived.
I didn't say that. Thank you.
- See ya.
- Bye.
♪
Huh.
- Okay, did you get that?
- Yeah, "smoking hot man,"
- I know, I know.
- Write it again.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
- (WINE SLOSHES)
- Mm!
Mm! Look, "Lord of the Lies"
returneth.
Nice job.
Who died?
We're never gonna find these keys.
We are not stopping
until we find them.
We need to get you to the clinic.
Says the woman who threw
our only way out of here
into an impenetrable forest.
There's no point in rushing.
I mean, if it happened, it happened,
there's nothing that we can do now.
That's not true.
I spotted when I was pregnant.
Oh God, one time, I bled
so much Daniel fainted,
hit his head on the clawfoot tub,
and knocked himself out cold.
The ambulance took us
to the hospital, and
it turned out we were both fine.
Well, me and the baby.
They kept Daniel for
concussion protocol.
It's my own fault, I know that.
No. A lot of women have miscarriages
in their first trimester.
We had one
right before we found Sammy.
- Eight weeks.
- Mom!
God, I had no idea.
You and Dad were pregnant?
It's the only time this
family has ever been
- nice to me.
- Oh, Rhian.
Well, would you have baked me
oatcakes if I wasn't pregnant?
Would you have answered phones
and stuck daisies into a vase?
Would Lidia have given me
the keys to the Moonshine?
Rhian, we do all that
for you because we love you.
For the unique,
interesting person that you are.
We have more value than
just our wombs.
And we can have job stuff
happen after the age of 30.
And hidden desires.
There's no age limit on that.
Huh?
♪
Okay, fine!
You want to know about Davide?!
He kissed me!
And dammit if Yoni didn't
groan back from the dead!
- Okay! (LAUGHS)
- Oh my God!
(SIGHS) God damn it, I'm walking home.
So wait, you sucked face with him?
- He sucked face with me.
- Did he linger?
- Was there tongue?
- Where the Hell was Dad?
Upstage right.
But he'd rather fix the water
heater in the change house
than the one in my pants!
Oh, Hell,
if it isn't nice to feel
attractive again.
You know, Dad's obsession
with the water heater
is because he's obsessed with you.
He equates his attractiveness
to being useful,
that and his self-worth went kaput
with this whole retirement thing.
Men have water heaters too,
you know, in their pants!
Who is this wise, advice-giving woman?
And what have done with our sister?
Foxton's answer to Dr. Ruth.
Ah, well, at least there's that.
My job is about to destroy
the only great
relationship I ever had.
What, so now it's a great
relationship?
Um, spill?
Now.
Fine, I I don't
hate co-habitation.
Or the fact that a man
cares about me a lot.
He stocks my fridge with more
than just boxed wine,
and hot sauce.
He picks up sharp objects
from the floor,
he closes the windows when it rains,
Unclogs my hair from the
drains, I love all of it.
I
(SIGHS)
I really love Terry.
- Isn't that a good thing?
- No, it blows!
I oh!
Some big media company
offered me a job in L.A.
- (GASPS) What?
- Yeah.
They heard my new show,
they dug my real voice, or some shit.
Offered me ten times
what I make at Cove-FM.
But I can't
choose a man over my career.
Can I? Like, I
it's
No, see?
This is exactly why
I didn't say anything.
You and Terry will be fine, Nora.
Will we? Confession may
cleanse the soul,
but it doesn't solve shit!
Of course it does! It's purging.
How the Hell would you know?!
We came here for you,
but we're the ones
telling the ugly truth!
Wait, where are you going?
Back to the cabin.
We're never gonna find
the stupid keys.
Okay, fine!
The Moonshine is in trouble!
So, yeah, maybe I've been
acting a little erratic lately,
but it's not because
I'm gaga for Gale.
I'm trying to take
my birthright seriously,
and save this family from ruin. Again.
But Lobsterpalooza,
Bingo Night, we cashed in.
It's true, it feels like
we're finally digging ourselves
out of the hole.
The hole is deeper than we thought.
How deep?
$350k deep.
Oh.
♪
♪
(PANTING)
(HUSHED) Hello?
Help! Someone call 911!
(PANTING)
(BEADS RATTLE)
Bea!
Ken?!
Rhian?
Does anyone ever actually
work at this place?!
(PHONE BEEPS)
Oh! Hello, Moonshine,
how can I help you?
No, no. Listen.
I-I have no idea where Cabin Four is,
let alone if it has a view
of the water!
Wow, 50th wedding anniversary?
That's
You're gonna to have to call back.
(BEADS RATTLE)
(THUDS LIGHTLY)
♪
(BEADS RATTLE)
(DOG BARKS)
♪
Hey, Danny Boy.
Oh! I was looking for you.
(TOOLS CLATTER)
(LID CREAKS)
(LATCH CLICKS)
We're done, right?
It's not all on you, Son.
Okay.
Who you are has everything
to do with who I've been.
And I haven't always
been the best father.
I should've been a better example.
I should've told you how I felt,
(SIGHS)
instead of hiding behind my own bong.
Dad, you really don't have to do this.
I do, I do, yeah.
- Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.
(SIGHS)
What-what I'm trying to say is
you do worry me.
Keep me up nights.
Sometimes make me question
my gene pool.
But I need you to know,
you never, never disappoint me.
I promise you, something good
is on the horizon.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
♪
I don't know who to be
more pissed at, Lidia,
for not telling us, or Mom
for getting us into this mess
in the first place!
Felicia always did the books,
I thought she was on top of it.
You never thought to ask?
This was not your problem
to solve alone.
I was trying to protect you!
Because that was worked
so well in the past!
Uh, Mom, your health is back on track,
Rhian is happy for the first
time in forever,
and no offence,
your boyfriend is a cop,
it was a little risky to tell
you what I was doing!
Sins of the mother fall
right back on the daughter.
Turning to crime?
Lying about it?
All in the name of protecting
our family.
Well, look around, Lidia!
Do we look like we feel protected?!
- Do you feel protected?
- No.
I've never felt more alone.
Well, you're not alone now,
moron, you've dragged us
- into the shit pile with you!
- And we'll dig ourselves out,
- like always.
- Or die here.
Family solidarity.
There is one thing I need
to do on my own.
Consider me deprogrammed.
The second I get back,
I'm breaking up with Gale.
And his biker club.
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
(WAVES LAP)
DANIEL: I thought I was
the victim, but
I'm the problem.
I destroyed every single one
of my relationships.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
It takes a lot of courage
to admit that.
Especially to a guy you barely know.
A guy I barely know
who's sleeping with
the woman I still love.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
My guys canvassed
all the usual suspects.
No one's seen her.
But that's actually good news.
You know, maybe she went
out for a drive?
She used to do that sometimes.
Likely to get away from me.
I know that now.
She's gonna be okay.
Hey.
You, too.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(WAVES CRASH)
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(INSECTS CHIRP)
Mom.
Big news.
Maple leaves work best for Number Two?
- Hmm! ( KEYS JINGLE)
- (BEA AND LIDIA GASP)
We're saved!
I may have pissed on them,
but they'll still work.
Let's get you to the clinic.
Wait.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Is there such thing as a
reverse exorcism?
You know.
For the cell cluster?
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Yeah.
I think there is.
(TAPE RATTLES)
(CASSETTE PLAYER CLICKS)
(JONI MITCHELL: "WOODSTOCK")
♪
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
I came upon a child of God ♪
He was walking along the road ♪
And I asked him
where are you going ♪
And this he told me ♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
I'm going on down to Yasgur's farm ♪
I'm gonna join in
a rock 'n' roll band ♪
I'm gonna camp out on the land ♪
I'm gonna try an' get my soul free ♪
(FIRE CRACKLES)
We are stardust ♪
We are golden ♪
And we've got to get ourselves ♪
Back to the garden ♪
♪
(CAR RUMBLES)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
Then can I walk beside you ♪
I have come here to lose the smog ♪
And I feel to be a cog ♪
In something turning ♪
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Well, maybe it is
just the time of year ♪
Or maybe it's the time of man ♪
I don't know ♪
Who I am ♪
But you know life is for learning ♪
(SIGHS)
We are stardust ♪
We are golden ♪
And we've got to get ourselves ♪
Back to the garden ♪
(SONG FADES)
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
♪
(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH)
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
(CLOTHING RUSTLES)
(SIGHS)
Ani?
Hey, Ryan.
(WAVES LAP GENTLY)
♪
RHIAN: Previously, on "Moonshine:"
- Mom, who are you talking to?
- Shit.
- You gonna tell them or am I?
- No one. (CHUCKLES)
You will be the best mom.
It'll come naturally to you.
Your services are no longer required
by Crystal Clean, or Crystal!
I'm a little stressed.
Maybe what you're really
upset about isn't Ryan.
I'm new to the crime thing,
but Crystal says
we may have unintentionally
started a turf war.
There will be some retaliation,
but things, things will calm down.
- I'm worried about our sister.
- What about your sister?
She's been boning that biker
and now she's gone AWOL.
I'm pretty worried about her myself.
Hello? Who's there?
- (LAUGHS)
- (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS, SIGHS)
(HEAVY BREATHING, FOOTSTEPS
CRUNCH IN THE FOLIAGE)
I've imagined my death
many, many times.
Who are you?
Skull fracture
when my Pilates reformer fights back.
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- Where are you taking me?
Shark attack in any body
of water larger than my tub.
- (CAR STARTS)
- God dammit!
Heart failure when my kid isn't
home and it's 2:00 a.m..
But suffocating in a musty bag
that smells like pecorino and sage?
Not on the list.
(GASPING BREATHS) Hey! (SNIFFS)
That is pecorino and sage.
Bought for the pasta the kids
barely touched last week.
A lovely white sauce
with crumbled sausage
over orecchiette and
wait a minute. Is this
(SNIFFS) beach sand? And
the ugly sandals that
I borrowed from Mom?!
You're kidnapping me in my own car?
That is cold!
- (CAR DOOR SLAMS)
- Ah! Let me go! Ah!
There is no damage I can't repair!
There are no wrongs that
can't be made right!
I am a problem solver, and I
(GASPS)
Mom?!
(GASPS)
Never in my life did I think
I would encourage this,
but you've got a lot
of talking to do, Missy.
Or say adios to those
fancy fingernails.
(PLIERS CLICK)
Morning, Sunshine.
What?!
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
This is my life, this is my life ♪
This is my life, my life ♪
I know we come from crazy,
but this is a whole other level
of Cuckoo's Nest, it's insane,
it's super illegal,
- and it's just plain rude!
- You'd know, you seem to have
cornered the market on all three.
So gaga for some dude,
you're hijacking trucks?!
I am not gaga for some dude!
Oh, so that's a "yes"
on the hijacking, wow.
Oh, I'd like to point out
that kidnapping is a much more
serious offense than crab theft.
This is hardly a kidnapping, Dear.
No? Bag over the head,
forcing me in the back seat,
- long walk in the woods
- Think of it more as a
a rite of passage.
(SIGHS) Where are you guys taking me?
O Hollow.
The retreat where you and
Aunt Felicia used to get sauced
- and howl at the moon?
- Retreat? That's generous.
Mom, look,
I realize how some of my
activities of late may look,
but I swear, I have it
all under control.
- You feel in control?
- Yes.
- Whoa! Yes!
- (KEYS JINGLE)
Yes! Shit!
No! No!
- No! Ah!
- Oh! Ow!
(PAINED GRUNTS)
- Fine.
- (NORA AND LIDIA GASP)
(KEYS JINGLE, LEAVES RUSTLE)
- Come on!
- Seriously?!
(SIGHS) So, now what?
We get you back to some
semblance of sanity.
So we're going to die here.
That's great.
That's great.
That really hurts!
(SIGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS FORCEFULLY)
Why, Higher Power?
Why do you forsake me?
(SIGHS)
(PANTING)
I forgive you,
for not coming to dinnervention.
And for not coming home last night.
I was dropping Sammy off
at his grad school interview.
And Rye, the drive gave me
some time to think.
And that thinking got me
thinking that I
I think I have some more
thinking to do.
So I am going to go stay
at my Mom's for a bit,
and give you some space.
I don't want space.
I want closeness.
Like in a buried coffin,
six feet under,
but alive forever.
Okay, like, nothing
about that is romantic.
I just want our bodies
and souls intermeshed,
where I don't know where
you start and I begin.
Yeah, I just, I'm thinking
that the space thing
might be a little bit better.
How much space?
Like, arm's-length? Like, a flag-pole?
Okay, Babe
How about one end
of the beach to the other?
- Rye!
- Yeah?
Where is the big suitcase?
And not the one that
you dry your weed in.
♪
(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
(CHIMES CLUNK)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES)
This brings back memories.
Name one.
Well, we were mostly
stoned to high Heaven
or blackout drunk, so
Memories of oblivion, great.
That is exactly what this is,
oblivion.
No cell service,
rations to last us what,
a couple hours?
No way to escape, another way
I didn't plan on dying.
At least we'll be together.
We'll start voting on
who eats who first
- as soon as the chips are gone.
- The chips are gone.
- Okay, I surrender.
- Oh, great.
Consider me officially kidnapped.
- Now what?
- Deprogramming.
We're gonna scrub you
of that greasy sexpot Gale.
A sudden change of tune.
Well, hijacking a 18-wheeler
full of snow crab
will do that to you.
So you're gonna deprogram me?
How? Hmm?
Yeah
I don't know.
Are you seriously relying on
me to come up with the plan?
Real change comes from within.
Well, this is so stupid!
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(HORNS HONK, TRAFFIC HUMS)
(DISTANT RUMBLE OF TRAFFIC)
(SNORES)
♪
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(WAKING GROAN)
(SIGHS)
(TAPS)
Hey, your pain is my pain, Brother.
Are you seriously making
this about you, Ryan?!
- (FIGHTING GRUNTS)
- Don't touch me!
Hey! Ah! Sammy!
By the way, Celine Dion
is your favourite, not mine!
Hey, Sammy! Come here! Oh no!
Ow! Sammy! Stop it!
Oh, I swear to God ow!
(FIGHTING GRUNTS)
Asshole!
- (FIGHTING GRUNTS)
- Stop it!
♪
The Moonshine.
♪
(BIRDS CHIRP)
- You've been keeping secrets.
- But I
Something you've been annoyingly vocal
- that we not do.
- Listen
- Hypocritical much?
- Oh, fine! Fine!
- Keep it coming.
- All right,
did you know that your
boyfriend is probably
involved in the disappearance
of Milk Crate Mike?
Who the hell is Milk Crate Mike?
One more listener I do not have.
A dude I dated. Short romance,
long dick, exceptional girth.
Anyhoo, your boyfriend's
little gang
They're not a gang,
the Marauders are
uh, motorcycle enthusiasts.
Well, they enthusiastically
offed Milk Crate Mike.
Who knows what could've been?
You have no proof of that,
and last I checked,
it isn't a crime to sleep
with a guy who probably
did not abet in the murder
of some dude
whose girth you enjoyed
for a short time.
- Can we go now?
- Uh, nope!
Ow!
We haven't even gotten
to the whack job part of it.
You've been talking to yourself.
Like, a lot.
You want to talk to yourself,
get yourself a job
hosting a radio show
in some Podunk town.
You want to go crazy,
at least be original.
Guys
I'm not going crazy, and I am not
talking to myself.
Are you talking out loud to someone
no one else can see?
♪
Maybe.
- It's Felicia.
- As in our dead Aunt,
whose remains you shot
out of a potato gun?
As in dead, immoral
saboteur of my plans,
hopes and dreams, Felicia?
Oh, that witch!
Holy shit, she was a witch.
And you're a witch.
And this is where you coven-ed.
Felicia swore if anyone
touched her trailer,
she'd come back and haunt them.
- I didn't think she meant it.
- No one's haunting anyone.
It's just me, this is my
conscience manifesting, I think.
Like an imaginary friend,
but for 40-something women.
This actually makes a lot of sense.
Around Lidia's age,
Felicia started to change.
Dating that crook Jill LeBlanc,
writing in those journals,
casting spells made out of
dead butts, and dollar store glitter.
Do all Finley-Cullen women
go off the rails eventually?
Well, it affects some
more than others.
Oh, do not play the normal
card with me, woman!
We have to banish the crazy for good.
And right now, you're at
the front of the line.
How do you suggest we do this?
(GASPS) We exorcise the bitch.
♪
(SHAKERS RATTLE)
♪
Oh, Dad, don't freak out.
Oh, I am way past freaked out.
I rerouted from my Hamptons weekend
with the specific goal
of freaking out!
(CALMING EXHALE)
- Are you okay?
- She's not pregnant.
I haven't even had sex yet.
Summer's not over yet, though.
(SIGHS) So there's no drummer
from a Tool cover band
taking you to Buffalo?
Buffalo?
That should've been a tell.
We're worried about Mom,
and weren't sure if you'd come,
you know,
given everything that
happened last month.
Uh-huh?
And what is wrong
with your mother now?
She's been acting like a crazy person.
We have no idea where she is.
She missed Ryan's dinnervention
and hijacked a truck,
and now she's not answering her phone.
What? Say that middle part again.
(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS,
ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
What in the
ELEANOR: Mom's new boyfriend.
His name's Gale.
Gale?!
Yeah, he's got a sweet tat
of a cobra on his torso.
Well, hmm, we saw him naked
in the outdoor shower.
Daniel. Husband
ex.
Presently concerned
about Lidia's whereabouts.
Wait, she's not here?
We assumed she was with you,
adding more felonies to her resume.
Okay, okay, kids,
I think I need to have
a talk with Gale alone.
FINN: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Just man to man.
Mano y mano.
ELEANOR: Patriarchy much?
It's our Mom in trouble.
- We wanna help.
- She's not in trouble,
I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation
Gale.
But while we have this
gender-neutral conversation,
why don't I give you guys
my whole wallet,
and car keys,
and you guys go grab some grub.
Seriously, Mom is fine.
Okay, how not fine is she?
Well, one of my guys saw a blonde
bagged and dragged off
into the woods last night.
Bagged?!
Dragged?!
Oh my God! We need to call the police.
No cops.
I can do whatever the Hell I want.
Who the Hell are you?!
I'm her husband!
Hm. Ex-husband.
No, not until the divorce
settlement is approved
by the courts of New York City,
my friend, not until
Phone.
Why?
Because I want to play Candy Crush.
Okay.
(TRAFFIC HUMS IN THE DISTANCE)
(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)
(FOOTSTEPS THUD)
(SIGHS)
Hey, your pain is my pain, Bro.
Bring it in.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Look up Moonshine Campground,
Nova Scotia.
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(WHIRRING)
(WAVES LAP, FOOTSTEPS THUD)
Are you okay?
Okay is a relative state, Pops.
I'm just trying to get through
the day without having a drink,
but man, if I couldn't chug
a 24, and it's not even noon.
Is that why you're doing something
- I've never seen before?
- What's that?
Your job, Son.
I had no idea it was
such a solid distraction.
I should've started years ago.
That would've been good.
Crystal moved out.
And Sammy hates me.
This job is all I have now.
For what it's worth, you got me, Kid.
♪
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(SHAKERS RATTLE)
BEA: As you lay upon the earth,
I summon the rest of the elements.
Air.
Fire, but I'm gonna need this
back as soon as we're done.
And the sea.
(WATER SPLASHES)
I literally have a spruce
branch up my butt,
and not in a good way.
There's gotta be a more
efficient way of beating
some sense into her,
like, actually beating some
sense into her?
Hail to the Guardians
of the Watchtower
from the North, South, East, and West.
Hear me! Hear us!
- BEA: What the Hell?!
- (SIGHS)
It's from "The Craft." 1996.
I was thinking more "Fight Club."
BEA: Usually, Felicia and I
would just chant,
"five flip efforts"
- over and over again.
- And that means?
It's an anagram for
"Eff off evil spirits."
(WHISPERS) Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: (CHANTING)
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
You know this is your fault, right?
Just tell them why
you're laundering money.
And why you got all Boxcar Bertha,
- and jacked the crustaceans.
- No,
I don't want to involve them.
- Oh, how very "Bea" of you.
- Shut up!
You shut me up. I'm in your head.
Shit! I am crazy.
You think nobody can do
this better than you?
You think, you like the weight
of the world on your shoulder.
Kid, you've got to get over
this martyr complex.
No, what I've gotta do
is pay a massive tax bill.
Secrets and lies.
You know how this ends, don't you?
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Yeah, I do.
NORA, RHIAN, BEA: Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
Five flip efforts.
(LIDIA SHRIEKS, GROANS)
(SCREAMS) Whoa!
Damn! Ew!
(SOBS) Ew! Oh!
FELICIA: (LAUGHS) That's shit.
(SIGHS) Go away!
I have it under control.
(SIGHS, GASPS)
You can't run from yourself, Lidz.
I'm sure as Hell gonna try.
(SCREAMS) Oh no!
DANIEL: How are you not sweating?
Like, do you not have pores?
Stress induces sweat.
Can I just step outside
to get a breeze?
I promise I'm not gonna run
or retaliate.
I'm a half-Jewish architect
from Brooklyn.
The scariest thing about me
is occasional irritable bowel
syndrome.
Please.
Lidia is the mother of my children.
I took a vow to defend her.
Surely that's something
you can understand.
Vows? Codes?
Blood oaths?
You need to tell me what is going on.
You tell me right now,
or I swear to God
(SIGHS)
I will call my lawyer.
Lawyers are not gonna solve this.
Sit.
I'd prefer to stand.
Now.
Fine. I will sit.
But only because heat rises.
Okay, Lidia and I may have done a deal
that pissed off some people.
The LeBlancs, who may have
taken her as retaliation.
(GASPS) Oh my God!
My guys are out looking for her.
We should be out looking for her!
CRYSTAL: Excuse me!
What are you doing here?!
What are you doing here?! (GASPS)
What is he doing here?!
What are you doing here?
- Uh, looking for Lidia.
- Why?
- It's none of your business.
- Crystal, where is she?
It is definitely none
of your business!
Oh, wait.
Did something happen to Lidia?
That's not why you're here?
Well, no, I'm here to give
her the first installment
of my loan payment
for my Crystal Clean van.
I think your mother took
Lidia as payback
for us hijacking her truck.
Oh.
That wouldn't surprise me.
♪
Look, I know that you know
how dangerous my mother is,
and I know that you know
that she knows
that you jacked her snow crabs
to purposefully to start a turf war.
So if you know what's good for you,
you will let me go,
I will let her know,
and then maybe, just maybe,
you will make it out
of this campground alive.
You know?
Or I can keep you here
until your mother tells us
what she did with Lidia.
Until I know she's safe,
nobody leaves.
Cool.
♪
BEA: Lidia!
NORA: Lidia?
Lidia!
Well, one thing's for damn sure,
she won't survive if we don't
find her by sundown.
The highway's not that far.
Oh, she got lost in a garden
centre once.
I found her in a fetal position
behind the dwarf hydrangeas.
We must obey the three
rules of tracking:
One, be quiet, and listen.
Two, know the tracks well.
Three
know the dung better.
Where I go, I go alone.
Perfect, because I am going no further
into those woods with these shoes.
No one should go anywhere
in those shoes.
And as for you, I'm not letting
a knocked-up whack job
- go out there alone.
- No choice.
Neither of you know dung for shit.
♪
♪
(ECHOING HOWL)
(CROW CAWS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(TAMBOURINE RATTLES)
It's a dried-up blonde hair
with a dark root, and a split end.
Some mother on a stress bender.
Fear!
I've got you now, Lidz!
(LOUD WHOOP)
(ANIMAL GRUNTS DISTANTLY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Ow!
NORA: So, Mom
the dude at Ryan's dinnervention
- Davide.
- Davide!
Now, you'd think an actor
would be able to do
a decent British accent, no?
He really is quite brilliant.
Whoa, Mama has a lady-boner.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
The gutter is a key tool of my trade.
Things with you and Terry seem cozy.
Yeah, well,
real relationships are harder
than secret love affairs,
who'dve thunk?
You only really get to know someone
through the intimate day-to-day.
The man hikes at dawn.
Flosses after every meal,
I can only take so much hygiene.
So not the love of your
life, after all?
Is there any wine in this old cabin?
♪
(SIGHS) End of an era.
Mmm!
Felicia and I bottled this ourselves.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
It might be vinegar by now, but
it should do the trick.
Okay, well, here's to
(CORK POPS) "doing the trick."
Mm! That'll do it.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(LEAVES RUSTLE)
(SIGHS)
Okay, Sister, I am feral,
hungry, and some-ah-
plant just gave me a rash.
I am not in the mood for bullshit.
Tell me which way to the highway, now!
(SOBS QUIETLY)
Rhian?
- Are you crying?
- No.
I was just making these sounds
to lure in my prey,
and, see, sucker, it worked.
What's going on?
Just ah,
dehydration cramps from hunting you.
That's not a thing, I don't think.
♪
I felt a twinge.
I went to pee, and there was blood.
- (SOBS)
- Oh.
(SIGHS)
(SOBS)
I know the baby is just
a cluster of poppy seed
sized-cells, but
it was my cluster.
(SOBS)
Okay, come here.
(SOBS)
So, how long has this been going on?
You and Lidia?
A couple weeks.
Oh. I didn't think you were her type.
Why?
Because I don't treat her
like an afterthought?
They say you should never
make someone a priority
who only considers you an option.
But they also say that
you find a partner
who reminds you of your Mom,
so, that's not me.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, wait.
Is Ryan like my Mom?
They both get into trouble,
and expect me to bail them out,
they're brunette,
with super-toned arms,
and a thing for boobs!
So based on you dating Lidia,
I guess that would also make
your Mom a demanding,
impulsive, over-talking A-Type?
I think you mean a smoking hot fox
who's a dynamo in the sack.
I grew up in a trailer
with really thin walls.
Okay, that is all kinds
of traumatizing.
Why?
Do the natural impulses
of the human body
make you uncomfortable, Daniel?
What about your Mom?
Was she a cheater, too?
No. My Dad, actually, but my Mom
my Mom was a-a real piece of work.
Ugh. Mommy issues alert!
Mommy issues alert!
No wonder you ruined your marriage.
Are you having a seizure?
No, I (SIGHS)
I really have to pee.
♪
What? What?!
♪
(DOOR OPENS)
So why did you ruin your marriage?
CRYSTAL: Because he's one of those men
that has all of the nice things,
but he still wants more nice things.
Even though most people
don't have any nice things!
Maybe she's right.
I had it all.
But Marcie, my assistant,
oh my God, that sounds so cliché,
she made me feel like I was more.
Also cliché.
Anyway, nobody knew,
so nobody was getting hurt, right?
But in retrospect,
I was hurting everyone
the entire time.
I ruined my own life.
CRYSTAL: Nailed it!
(SCRAPING, CLATTERING NOISES)
Shit!
♪
Robin!
♪
(CAR RUMBLES)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
♪
(WAVES LAP)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
♪
(WAVES LAPS)
♪
ELEANOR: Okay. New song content?
Okay, what about animals in captivity?
- Cool.
- Lobsters go
Bruce! Bruce, come on, let us play!
(SIGHS) You're not even old
enough to drink at a bar.
- No!
- We're old souls.
And we've been through
a lot this summer.
Sure, you're wealthy,
white, educated kids.
You've seen hard times.
- We have a ton of originals.
- Like?
"Big City," "Cabin Fever," "Fire Me,"
"Green Sweater," "Sexting My Ex"
Hmm. Dig deeper, Kid.
(SCOFFS)
(SIGHS)
- We could write about Mom.
- Oh my God, yes.
Artistic therapy, like,
a way to express she's
gone totally batshit.
"She said this would be a vacation,
not a criminal ideation,
back where it all began,
on the hunt for a smokin' hot man"
- Yes, that's good.
- Okay, write that down. Write that down.
Hey, can I help you?
Uh, a bottle of water, please.
I'm protesting plastic.
But I can give you a cup
for a quarter.
Deal.
- Anything to eat?
- (LAUGHS) Nah.
Thanks. I know how the clams
get fried in this place.
I worked here one summer
when I was your age.
Oh, you must know our mom, then.
- You're Nora's kids?
- Oh, I wish.
Our mom's Lidia.
Well, if you look around,
my name is carved in a wall somewhere.
Best job ever.
- For real?
- For reals.
Hmm, you worked here and survived.
I didn't say that. Thank you.
- See ya.
- Bye.
♪
Huh.
- Okay, did you get that?
- Yeah, "smoking hot man,"
- I know, I know.
- Write it again.
(BIRDS CHIRP)
- (WINE SLOSHES)
- Mm!
Mm! Look, "Lord of the Lies"
returneth.
Nice job.
Who died?
We're never gonna find these keys.
We are not stopping
until we find them.
We need to get you to the clinic.
Says the woman who threw
our only way out of here
into an impenetrable forest.
There's no point in rushing.
I mean, if it happened, it happened,
there's nothing that we can do now.
That's not true.
I spotted when I was pregnant.
Oh God, one time, I bled
so much Daniel fainted,
hit his head on the clawfoot tub,
and knocked himself out cold.
The ambulance took us
to the hospital, and
it turned out we were both fine.
Well, me and the baby.
They kept Daniel for
concussion protocol.
It's my own fault, I know that.
No. A lot of women have miscarriages
in their first trimester.
We had one
right before we found Sammy.
- Eight weeks.
- Mom!
God, I had no idea.
You and Dad were pregnant?
It's the only time this
family has ever been
- nice to me.
- Oh, Rhian.
Well, would you have baked me
oatcakes if I wasn't pregnant?
Would you have answered phones
and stuck daisies into a vase?
Would Lidia have given me
the keys to the Moonshine?
Rhian, we do all that
for you because we love you.
For the unique,
interesting person that you are.
We have more value than
just our wombs.
And we can have job stuff
happen after the age of 30.
And hidden desires.
There's no age limit on that.
Huh?
♪
Okay, fine!
You want to know about Davide?!
He kissed me!
And dammit if Yoni didn't
groan back from the dead!
- Okay! (LAUGHS)
- Oh my God!
(SIGHS) God damn it, I'm walking home.
So wait, you sucked face with him?
- He sucked face with me.
- Did he linger?
- Was there tongue?
- Where the Hell was Dad?
Upstage right.
But he'd rather fix the water
heater in the change house
than the one in my pants!
Oh, Hell,
if it isn't nice to feel
attractive again.
You know, Dad's obsession
with the water heater
is because he's obsessed with you.
He equates his attractiveness
to being useful,
that and his self-worth went kaput
with this whole retirement thing.
Men have water heaters too,
you know, in their pants!
Who is this wise, advice-giving woman?
And what have done with our sister?
Foxton's answer to Dr. Ruth.
Ah, well, at least there's that.
My job is about to destroy
the only great
relationship I ever had.
What, so now it's a great
relationship?
Um, spill?
Now.
Fine, I I don't
hate co-habitation.
Or the fact that a man
cares about me a lot.
He stocks my fridge with more
than just boxed wine,
and hot sauce.
He picks up sharp objects
from the floor,
he closes the windows when it rains,
Unclogs my hair from the
drains, I love all of it.
I
(SIGHS)
I really love Terry.
- Isn't that a good thing?
- No, it blows!
I oh!
Some big media company
offered me a job in L.A.
- (GASPS) What?
- Yeah.
They heard my new show,
they dug my real voice, or some shit.
Offered me ten times
what I make at Cove-FM.
But I can't
choose a man over my career.
Can I? Like, I
it's
No, see?
This is exactly why
I didn't say anything.
You and Terry will be fine, Nora.
Will we? Confession may
cleanse the soul,
but it doesn't solve shit!
Of course it does! It's purging.
How the Hell would you know?!
We came here for you,
but we're the ones
telling the ugly truth!
Wait, where are you going?
Back to the cabin.
We're never gonna find
the stupid keys.
Okay, fine!
The Moonshine is in trouble!
So, yeah, maybe I've been
acting a little erratic lately,
but it's not because
I'm gaga for Gale.
I'm trying to take
my birthright seriously,
and save this family from ruin. Again.
But Lobsterpalooza,
Bingo Night, we cashed in.
It's true, it feels like
we're finally digging ourselves
out of the hole.
The hole is deeper than we thought.
How deep?
$350k deep.
Oh.
♪
♪
(PANTING)
(HUSHED) Hello?
Help! Someone call 911!
(PANTING)
(BEADS RATTLE)
Bea!
Ken?!
Rhian?
Does anyone ever actually
work at this place?!
(PHONE BEEPS)
Oh! Hello, Moonshine,
how can I help you?
No, no. Listen.
I-I have no idea where Cabin Four is,
let alone if it has a view
of the water!
Wow, 50th wedding anniversary?
That's
You're gonna to have to call back.
(BEADS RATTLE)
(THUDS LIGHTLY)
♪
(BEADS RATTLE)
(DOG BARKS)
♪
Hey, Danny Boy.
Oh! I was looking for you.
(TOOLS CLATTER)
(LID CREAKS)
(LATCH CLICKS)
We're done, right?
It's not all on you, Son.
Okay.
Who you are has everything
to do with who I've been.
And I haven't always
been the best father.
I should've been a better example.
I should've told you how I felt,
(SIGHS)
instead of hiding behind my own bong.
Dad, you really don't have to do this.
I do, I do, yeah.
- Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.
(SIGHS)
What-what I'm trying to say is
you do worry me.
Keep me up nights.
Sometimes make me question
my gene pool.
But I need you to know,
you never, never disappoint me.
I promise you, something good
is on the horizon.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
♪
I don't know who to be
more pissed at, Lidia,
for not telling us, or Mom
for getting us into this mess
in the first place!
Felicia always did the books,
I thought she was on top of it.
You never thought to ask?
This was not your problem
to solve alone.
I was trying to protect you!
Because that was worked
so well in the past!
Uh, Mom, your health is back on track,
Rhian is happy for the first
time in forever,
and no offence,
your boyfriend is a cop,
it was a little risky to tell
you what I was doing!
Sins of the mother fall
right back on the daughter.
Turning to crime?
Lying about it?
All in the name of protecting
our family.
Well, look around, Lidia!
Do we look like we feel protected?!
- Do you feel protected?
- No.
I've never felt more alone.
Well, you're not alone now,
moron, you've dragged us
- into the shit pile with you!
- And we'll dig ourselves out,
- like always.
- Or die here.
Family solidarity.
There is one thing I need
to do on my own.
Consider me deprogrammed.
The second I get back,
I'm breaking up with Gale.
And his biker club.
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
(WAVES LAP)
DANIEL: I thought I was
the victim, but
I'm the problem.
I destroyed every single one
of my relationships.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
It takes a lot of courage
to admit that.
Especially to a guy you barely know.
A guy I barely know
who's sleeping with
the woman I still love.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
My guys canvassed
all the usual suspects.
No one's seen her.
But that's actually good news.
You know, maybe she went
out for a drive?
She used to do that sometimes.
Likely to get away from me.
I know that now.
She's gonna be okay.
Hey.
You, too.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(WAVES CRASH)
(FIRE CRACKLES)
(INSECTS CHIRP)
Mom.
Big news.
Maple leaves work best for Number Two?
- Hmm! ( KEYS JINGLE)
- (BEA AND LIDIA GASP)
We're saved!
I may have pissed on them,
but they'll still work.
Let's get you to the clinic.
Wait.
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Is there such thing as a
reverse exorcism?
You know.
For the cell cluster?
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Yeah.
I think there is.
(TAPE RATTLES)
(CASSETTE PLAYER CLICKS)
(JONI MITCHELL: "WOODSTOCK")
♪
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
I came upon a child of God ♪
He was walking along the road ♪
And I asked him
where are you going ♪
And this he told me ♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
I'm going on down to Yasgur's farm ♪
I'm gonna join in
a rock 'n' roll band ♪
I'm gonna camp out on the land ♪
I'm gonna try an' get my soul free ♪
(FIRE CRACKLES)
We are stardust ♪
We are golden ♪
And we've got to get ourselves ♪
Back to the garden ♪
♪
(CAR RUMBLES)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
Then can I walk beside you ♪
I have come here to lose the smog ♪
And I feel to be a cog ♪
In something turning ♪
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Well, maybe it is
just the time of year ♪
Or maybe it's the time of man ♪
I don't know ♪
Who I am ♪
But you know life is for learning ♪
(SIGHS)
We are stardust ♪
We are golden ♪
And we've got to get ourselves ♪
Back to the garden ♪
(SONG FADES)
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
♪
(FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH)
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
♪
(CRICKETS CHIRP)
(CLOTHING RUSTLES)
(SIGHS)
Ani?
Hey, Ryan.
(WAVES LAP GENTLY)
♪