Newsreaders (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

31-Up

LaFonda: Tonight on "Newsreaders," a new investigation of president Barack Obama reveals that only the black part of him went to Harvard law school.
Affirmative action gone wrong or right? We'll speak to the press secretary for the white part of him.
And sunrise or sunset? You'll have your chance to vote for your favorite transitional period of the day.
All that and more tonight on "Noisebringers.
" The only reason to become a journalist is to make meaningful, groundbreaking work that wins awards.
So I guess we can just retire because we nailed it with our ongoing series, "The Chronicles of an Average American Boy Named Ben Hayflack," a documentary series which chronicles the life of an average American boy named Ben Hayflack.
30 years ago, we assigned then "Newsreaders" intern Sadee Deenus to chronicle the life of an average American boy named Ben Hayflack from cradle to what we hope will someday be grave.
And here with the conclusion to our decades-long series is Sadee Deenus.
I was just a freshman in college when "Newsreaders" gave me the opportunity of a lifetime-- two lifetimes, actually.
But if lives are measured in moments, then myself and the family members behind these walls who are staring at me through the curtains -- I can see you!-- have lived for generations.
When the Hayflacks and I first met 25 years ago, I found a typical all-American family -- a hardworking dad, who was the 120th member of Compuserve, a loving mother who breast-fed one of her children and soothed the other with a fur blanket, and, of course, Ben, precocious and determined.
Oh, you're flirty.
Oh, my! [ Laughs ] It would have been impossible to know on that day how this adorable and extremely thirsty little boy would touch my life in so many different ways.
No, no, no.
I can take care of that.
You know what? We can go get a snack now.
Hold on one second.
We're just gonna take a snack break.
All right, who's been touching this? [ Beep ] This is not a toy.
Somebody's been touching this.
Now it's totally [bleep] I can't -- [ Beep ] Not only did the Hayflacks open their home to us, they opened their hearts.
Originally, I didn't want Ben to be a part of any of this, but then I thought $500 is nothing to shake a stick at, so At age 5, Ben already had some pretty big dreams.
Ben, what do you want to be when you grow up? A seagull buster.
A seagull buster? What's that? You know, find seagulls and bust them and stuff.
Wow, sounds impressive.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Mnh-mnh.
Mommy will be here in a second with her milk.
No, you can just sit back-- right back there.
It would be seven years before I next saw Ben.
[ Drumming ] A lot can happen in seven years.
Fathers switch to America online, mothers get fatter and forget about wearing makeup, and brothers turn fur blankets into vests.
Paul, I will shove that hi-hat inside of you and beat you with a [bleep] stick if you do not shut the [bleep] up! [ Drumming stops ] So, is Allison here your girlfriend? No, we're just friends.
Remember when you were little you said you wanted to be a seagull buster? [ Chuckles ] I'm definitely going to be a seagull buster.
Guess you won't have time for girlfriends then, huh? I like girls.
What kind of girls do you like? No, no.
Mnh-mnh.
The Hayflacks and I had so much to catch up on.
Wendy, our little guy is really growing up, huh? Our guy.
Okay, you know what? You win.
It is your fault that Ben has rejected me.
It is your fault that Paul wears a fur vest.
No, wait.
I take that back.
That my fault.
I regret ever, ever letting you in here with your cameras and your beautiful, undistended, lactationless breasts into my house! I regret it all!! I regret it all!! [ Exhales deeply ] What she -- well, what she and I, um You know, just t-to sum it up, you know, if the whole -- you know, the f-fur vest a-and the objectivity thing it's just I Paul? Paul, I swear to God, I will snap your hands off your female arms and I will destroy both your knees with your own dismembered hands if you do not stop that incessant drumming! You know, I think I made my point! I think I made my point! Six years passed before I saw the Hayflacks again.
Six years of unanswered phone calls and repeated refusals to honor a contract.
In that time, we learned that marriages dry up and wither, that doting mothers move out of the house, and that divorced fathers eat out a lot at the Thai taste noodle shop and eventually marry one of the But the Hayflack family learned something, too -- that a contract is a contract.
Ben, thank you for agreeing to meet with us again today.
I didn't want to get sued.
[ Laughs ] Oh, wow.
I didn't know that you, uh, played guitar, there.
[ Chord plays ] All right.
I'm watching "Newsreaders" and I'm in love with their reporting, it's a cut above but there's one person there who's caught my eye her name is Sadee Sadee-e-e Deenus, put shampoo on my-y-y That's all I have.
Oh, my God.
So, um so, what do you want to be when you grow up? And don't say -- seagull buster.
I leave for college in an hour.
Okay.
That's cool.
Good for you.
LaFonda: [ Chuckles ] Little baby Ben sure did grow up fast.
Two years passed before we next saw the Hayflack family -- two long, confusing, and litigious years.
Years that saw changes for the Hayflacks and a reassignment for Sadee Deenus.
Wendy, you're only here today, after two years, because any minute now your son Ben will walk in through that door on break from college.
What are you feeling right now? [ Clears throat ] Uh, I feel -- I feel regret for signing a contract in 1987, when I thought [Laughing] $500 was a lot of money.
[ Laughs ] And I feel -- I feel late.
I feel late for a thing that Rodger and I have to drive to in his Porsche.
Oh! So, hey, uh when did you, uh, start smoking, huh? Go [bleep] yourself.
Why don't you go [bleep] Yourself instead? Oh, I would, but Rodger's [bleep] me for me.
Really? 'Cause Rodger looks like he might rather [bleep] me.
[ Door opens, closes ] Hey, everyone.
Oh, ooh, ooh! Benny boy! Hi, guys! Where do I put my stuff? Where do I put my suitcase? What the right here -- I'll put it right here.
Wow.
What? I'm gonna vomit.
I'm gonna vomit.
Ben, go to your room.
Ben? How about that? Things eventually settle down, and we had so much to catch up on with Ben Hayflack.
Well, I guess I don't have to ask you if you have a girlfriend.
I'll field this one, sweetie.
We live together, and, uh, you know, we're gonna have a lot of babies together.
Are you guys trying already for babies? Uh, could we just talk about something else? Yeah, sure.
Did you lose your virginity to the, uh, lady? Oh, no.
No.
No.
No.
Are you attracted to other girls more your age at school? Both: No.
You don't like the younger bodies with the more sort of "traditional" beauty? You know what? This is -- you're -- you're crossing a line here, journalistically.
Right, yeah.
I'm really crossing the line here.
Let me ask you a question that I would ask any grown-up.
Have you decided on a major yet? Seagull busting.
Uh, it's why I went to Wesleyan.
I mean, you can build your own major.
Amir, let me ask you the next question.
How much does a seagull buster get paid? I told you, mom.
If you do what you love, then the money will come.
What did you just call me? Not mom? "Mom.
" I don't think I said "mom.
" Oh, my God.
Yes, you did.
I don't think so.
Yes, you did.
You said -- you clearly said "mom.
" Just ask the next question.
Just change the subject.
Just ask a question, please.
What did you say if you didn't say "mom"? That was the last time I saw Ben Hayflack, but I think he'd be happy to know that I landed on my feet after suing "Newsreaders" for sexual harassment and getting my old job back.
Now I could finally finish the project I started 25 years ago and get some closure with the Hayflacks.
[ Drumming ] Boys grow up, and they get married to the rather-plain girl across the street that you totally forgot about, and dads -- dads, they sell family homes to afford more computer equipment.
Paul, will you stop drumming?! Shut the [bleep] up! [ Drumming stops ] [ Sighs ] And moms do things, too.
I don't know what moms do.
Screw her.
But I still have one more question for the residents of this house.
Hello, Paul.
Where's Ben? It's a simple question -- where's Ben? And there's only one answer.
At the beach with his family doing what he loves.
[ Seagulls crying ] Seagull busting.
[ Grunting ] LaFonda: And finally tonight, an important message from Skip Reming.
Hi.
Skip Reming here with a plea for a cause that's near and dear to my heart.
I know a lot of you out there have pets, so you love them very much.
But a lot of pet owners fail to do something that's so simple and so essential for the lives of our four-legged friends.
So, please -- please, I beg of you.
Have your cats and dogs circumcised.
Not just because it's aesthetically pleasing, although God knows there's nothing less appealing than to look at than a floppy St.
Bernard's foreskin.
Do it because it's simply cleaner.
LaFonda: Next week on "Newsreaders," defying all odds, the umbrella is back.
And finally tonight, a few corrections.
Despite what we claimed last week, Malaysian people are technically mammals.
Also last week, we referred to Margaret Thatcher as [bleep] face.
Her proper title is "prime minister.
" We regret the error.
Thank you and good night.