Newsreaders (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Epic Fail

LaFonda: Coming up on "Newsreaders," Libya and Lebanon -- can you tell the difference? One young boy claims he can.
Also, rolled-up ham and cheese, a couple of pickles, and an Ambien -- it's called "tanch," and it's the new meal everyone's eating between midnight and 2:00 A.
Also, humanzees -- more dangerous than orangu-humans? All that and more tonight on "Reef Runners.
" Air travel -- it really sucks, but it didn't used to.
To understand how much air travel has changed, we sent veteran war correspondent Skip Reming, who has not flown for 35 years, on the most terrifying mission of his long career -- to book a flight.
Ours is a mobile culture.
It's almost as if the American public had wings.
These days, the only Americans who don't fly are the ones who spent the first five clicks outside Saigon clinging to the tail of an embassy chopper.
I could introduce you to that guy.
We're very close -- like brothers who were their parents' only kid.
He's me.
Flying wasn't always a chore.
It used to be a chance to relax, unwind, and finger a stewardess or two.
You could bring your lucky bowie knife aboard and join the pilot in the cockpit for a Martini and some Helen Keller jokes.
And it's changed because of all the new regulations.
These days, thanks to the TSA, airports have more rules than a hooker who doesn't kiss.
I sat down with department of homeland security spokesperson Red Kozioscko.
Red was in the game when Orville and Wilbur Wright were still in short pants.
I wrote that.
Well, Red, you seem like a good egg, but a lot of Americans are saying nasty things about your henhouse.
I wrote that.
"Untrained agents, invasive screening procedures, racial profiling" What's that one -- racial profiling? You mean like Buddy Hackett saying, "Chinamen can't drive"? Not exactly.
It's unfairly singling someone out based on race.
So, singling someone out fairly is okay? Like Chinamen? They can't drive.
Classic Hackett.
Oh, give me the back bay boys and the by gum rummy brothers and Jack Benny any day.
Oh, Rochester! Simpler times.
Oh, Benny was a sissy, and Rochester was his negro.
End of story.
But to really see how bad air travel had become, I'd have to book a ticket.
I settled on Egypt.
Skip, I have to strongly advise against visiting Egypt.
That country has changed a lot since the -- Listen, Red.
In WWII, I was stationed on an ice-cream boat off the coast of Hamamatsu, Japan, with a midshipman named Andrew Vajda, a Jersey guy.
And every night, we used to take a cruising yawl to the beach, and we'd beat up on some Japs just for fun.
I picked up some karate, and they picked up some fists in their noses.
Turns out one of them invented judo.
Look, I'm not saying you can't handle yourself, Skipper.
I'm just saying, "Why not" -- Red, buddy.
You're not listening to me.
I practically invented judo.
Come on.
I'll show ya.
I throw my back out toweling off after a shower.
I can't -- Aw, hell.
I throw my back out so much, I'm starting to like it.
Where'd you hurt your back? In the first "Gulf War"? Korea.
Korea? Did they have a men's department where you got that conflict? Conflict? Okay, Navy boy! It's show time! Aah! Oh! Aaaaaah! After I vacuumed the floor with this guy, I cracked my knuckles and headed out to the airport.
My bags were packed, my tickets to Egypt secure, and my gal at the office gave me my pill calendar.
Eh, just keep your hands off it, bozo.
I got it.
Hey, my Buick's out there on the curb.
Wash her up for me.
I'll be back when I'm back.
It didn't take long to realize what all the whining was about.
Photo I.
It's okay.
I'm Skip Reming.
I need to see a government-issued photo I.
You want an I.
?! How about that?! We're no longer taking billboards.
Time to face the TSA head-on.
I wrote that.
I have never taken off my shoes at a gentleman's request in my life.
I'm not gonna start now.
Oh, sir.
One second, sir.
Sir, are you sure there's no more metal on you? I forgot.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sir! Put the weapon on the belt now! Hunter Thompson gave me this gun.
You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead, fing-- Aw, all right.
Okay, we're gonna have to open this up.
That's my wife.
Get your hands off that, you Jap son of a bitch! Sir.
Come on! Get your hands off me, coppers! Judo! Judo! Come on! Come on! LaFonda: Thanks, Skip.
Later on in our program, the credits.
Nearly 8 in 10 Americans believe in them.
We'll tell you how to use their gullibility to your financial advantage.
But first, what about the angels we have right here on earth? They're called robots.
They clean our pools, build our cars, and even bomb countries we're mad at.
And in the latest breakthrough, robots are treating the sick? Here to take us inside this cutting-edge medical technology, and to attract younger viewers, is Xandra Dent with "Xandra's Techzine.
" Think of your favorite robot.
Mine's Voltron.
Now, what if Voltron were here in this hospital helping you get healthy? That's the idea behind med-x.
Med-x could be epic.
Radford Brist created this awesome robot that constantly monitors and diagnoses patients.
He says it could totally reboot healthcare.
Med-x can take your blood pressure, perform an X-ray, administer an I.
, dialysis treatment, colonoscopy.
It can even do -- let's do that.
Which? Colonoscopy.
Sounds pretty kick-ass.
But some might say that it is "ass-kicking," as in theirs.
These critics believe that med-x is not boss.
They think this technology is, in fact, Redanky.
So, why are you so, like, butt-hurt over this robot? No machine can do what I can do.
Hugh bowman is chief internist at San Jose regional hospital, where he's widely recognized as both brilliant and an asshole.
Let me tell you something that an algorithm can't teach you -- how to look a patient in the eye and tell them they're going to die.
I do that five times a day, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a box of wires -- "Rising levels of stress and anxiety detected? Recommendation -- decrease stimulants"? "Decrease" means, like, "less.
" Don't tell me what words mean.
You see, Med-X is like the superhero Daredevil.
He was blind, but his other senses were so acute, he could actually "see" better than we can.
I actually dressed up as "Hot Daredevil" for Halloween.
This is so awesome.
I can't believe I'm on "Xandra Point Oh.
" It's actually now called "Circuitz," with a "z.
" So, the robot -- does it have senses? Can it, like, see my hair and how cute I look? Well, it may not be able to "see" like we can, but its instruments can gather data from the environment.
Could it become smarter than humans? I wouldn't go that far.
Could it get the other machines to turn against us? I-I don't know.
Well, what do you mean? You know, by, like, locking doors, pumping oxygen out of rooms, um, causing elevators to fall.
That sort of thing.
That's, like, movie stuff.
That wouldn't happen.
I mean, the machine was designed to eliminate disease.
What if it begins to see humanity itself as a disease -- as a cancer that must be destroyed? I mean, if "The Matrix" has taught us anything -- the original.
The sequels were totally jar-jar -- it's that all it takes for machines to rise up is one tiny glitch in the software, and then Pssh! Wow.
I got to get to the hospital.
Come on! If we don't shut the machines down, med-x will kill everyone! Shut all the machines down! Get out of the way! Shut it down! Shut it down! It's already in the system! It's killing these patients! What are they doing?! These machines are keeping them alive, you idiot! We need to upload the kill codes to stop med-x! Get out of the way, doctor! This is totally an epic fail.
You still don't get it, do you? It's already over.
Med-x kills.
That's what it does.
That's all it does.
I was a fool to resist it.
Ow! Ow! Shut it down! I'll have it! Oh, no! Med-x killed the power! This hospital's connected to the power grid.
The power grid's connected to the whole city.
The city to the whole country.
We're probably the last people on earth.
Says it's my mom.
But that's impossible.
Everyone's been killed.
Med-x is trying to get inside my head by posing as someone I love! Xandra.
There's no time for fear.
Only courage.
We have to do what we've been afraid to do -- what we need to do.
You're right.
I don't want to die without ever having done it with a white guy.
Radford, what are you doing?! The machines are coming.
Oh, no.
Med-x is here.
It's come to kill its creator.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
LaFonda: Uh.
Take two those and call me in the morning.
Thanks, Xandra.
Next week on "Newsreaders," it's called halcyon meadows, and it's the site of the largest recorded syphilis outbreak in American history.
Well, what can I say? Old people love to [bleep].
LaFonda: And celebrities -- how do they get their pants on? We'll give you leg-by-leg updates.
If you would like a transcript of tonight's show, please write to us and explain why you would ever want or need that.
I'm Louis LaFonda.
Could you tell us a little bit about your TSA experience? Well, I just want to say that-- baba booey, baba booey! Howard Stern's penis! Son of a bi-- baba booey!