Newsreaders (2013) s01e10 Episode Script
Jr. Newsreaders
Tonight on "Newsreaders," we go inside the kitchen of Victor Creech -- the rock-star celebrity chef changing the way we look at food.
Mark my words -- human sperm is the new bacon.
Human sperm.
LaFonda: Also, more of my award-winning interview with Kate Walsh.
[ Both laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
I know.
LaFonda: And what if everyone who says they're gay is lying? All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Our main story tonight -- us.
"Newsreaders" has been called the closest thing to reading on television, and Americans rely on us to make them feel smarter.
This award-winning formula is so successful that it has been emulated around the world -- from powerful nations [ speaking Russian .]
LaFonda: To weaker nations [ Speaking Spanish .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Mariachi music plays .]
[ Laughs .]
LaFonda: And even middle schools.
Today in the program, rock-band class is finally added as an elective.
Good news for boys with longish hair.
And puppies -- more like poopies? All that and more and my interview with Kate Walsh's niece Marissa.
[ Both laughing .]
LaFonda: The copycat who touched us the most was California sixth grader Rosa Gonzales.
We were so impressed with Rosa that we invited her to tag along with us to interview an accused serial killer named Roscoe Thurnpike.
Roscoe Thurnpike sits in prison, accused of brutally murdering 17 lawyers.
But Roscoe has a problem -- no lawyer will represent him.
Until that last voice-over, Roscoe's story had gone unreported.
But now his story was just one on-camera in-studio line -- this one -- and some footage of me and a kid walking through a metal detector away from being told.
I'm supposed to have that with me all the time.
I'm allergic to peanuts.
LaFonda: [ Laughing .]
There's no peanuts in the jail.
Just future Pulitzer prizes.
Come on.
Let's go.
Are you allergic to cigarette smoke? Rosa was about to get the kind of education you can only get from television.
And Roscoe Thurnpike was about to get the kind of interview you can only get from a television program revered all over the world.
I-I don't think I can get a fair trial I-if I have to defend myself.
LaFonda: Well, you don't know anything about the law, and this is a tough case.
Plus my terrible secret.
LaFonda: Let me preface that by saying anything you say is gonna be on tape and can be used against you if subpoenaed, so Uh-huh, I'm at peace with that.
LaFonda: Tell your mom to buy you a dress for the Pulitzers.
I can't read.
LaFonda: You can't read? I can't read.
LaFonda: But we've seen tape of you looking at books.
I-I found the, uh, pages taste better than prison food.
LaFonda: You were wearing glasses.
I-I like to see what I'm eating.
LaFonda: So why couldn't accused lawyer-killer Roscoe Thurnpike get a lawyer? We asked Jason bloom, a man who made his parents happy by going to law school and then disappointed them by becoming a chief public defender.
Why have all the public defenders in your office refused to represent Mr.
Thurnpike? [ Smacks lips .]
Many reasons.
Uh, it's January.
A lot of people take vacations this time of year.
LaFonda: Oh, vacations.
Sure.
Sure.
Parent-teacher conferences, of course.
LaFonda: Mm-hmm.
Uh, construction on route 18.
LaFonda: Always.
And he killed 17 lawyers.
LaFonda: Allegedly killed 17 lawyers.
Perhaps the Attorney General would like to hear about your scheduling difficulties.
He's at a parent-teacher conference.
LaFonda: Oh, is he? Well, I wonder how his son is doing in civics class, which is the study of government and law.
I -- I know that.
LaFonda: Because that's where he would learn about his constitutional right to an attorney.
[ Clang! .]
See that? That's the "I'm busted" face.
See his face? Draw that.
Draw a picture of that.
All right.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
LaFonda: You're leaving the interview? Are you getting this? Mr.
bloom is leaving the interview.
[ Laughs .]
We got a walk-out! As a result of our investigation, the state supreme court ruled that Mr.
Thurnpike could not be forced to represent himself.
And with no lawyers willing to take the case, he was freed.
Thanks to "Newsreaders," Roscoe Thurnpike, guilty of nothing more than being victimized by an unfair criminal justice system, could rejoin society as a free man.
We thought that was the end of the story.
Turns out, it was just the middle.
Three weeks after he was freed, Rosa Gonzalez did a follow-up interview with Roscoe Thurnpike on her show.
Later on in the program, Nantasket Beach lifeguards are totally on a power trip.
But first, please welcome my very special guest -- former accused killer Roscoe Thurnpike.
How's it going, Roscoe? How's life on the outside? Uh, wonderful thanks to you and, uh, "Newsreaders.
" What have you been doing? Uh, lots of stuff.
Uh, I've been tending to my garden, which was out of control.
Mm-hmm.
Plus, so much has changed since I've been away.
Well, except for the construction on route 18.
Yeah.
Don't get my mom started.
Plus, I've been getting a lot of lawyer killing done.
So you killed those lawyers? Oh, yeah.
I'm nuts for it.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew that.
LaFonda: Roscoe Thurnpike is now on the lam, and we here at "Newsreaders" are at least partially responsible.
And there's one more thing you can give us credit for -- little Rosa Gonzalez has become a star.
Her life changed overnight.
She exposed the truth, "Newzkids" is now an Internet sensation, and Rosa Gonzalez is a household name.
Hey, uh, did you hear about this little girl -- Rosa Gonzalez? Yeah, turns out this sixth grader is a brilliant journalist.
Speaking of little kids, all day I thought it was Tuesday until my son corrected me, and I was like, "who am I? 'Newsreaders'?" [ Laughter .]
LaFonda: We decided to catch up with Rosa to see how she was handling all the attention.
Next week, Stuart Miller leaves gym in an ambulance.
The cool kids suspect epilepsy or, quote, "Something else that makes you look special needs.
" LaFonda: Wasn't she terrific? Huh.
Very good first take.
So, how does it feel to be a real newsperson? Well, I'm not.
Maybe someday.
LaFonda: I heard you won an award.
The L.
A.
times gave me a junior news achiever award.
I got to go to the paper to get it.
They let me hang out in the newsroom.
LaFonda: Ooh! Okay.
Observing people while they work.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, I guess that's your beat.
Right? Remember? Like with us? Yeah.
LaFonda: Yeah.
Do you know what the capital of Kentucky is? Frankfort.
LaFonda: That's very good.
Do you know what the capital of the Congo is? No.
That's not a state.
LaFonda: Kinshasa.
It's not a state.
LaFonda: No.
It's another country, but other countries have capitals, too.
Just something you might want to remember.
The daughter of immigrants, Rosa is more than living up to her parents' American dreams.
So, did you ever think your little Rosa would become a celebrity? They don't speak English.
LaFonda: Oh.
Do you want me to translate? LaFonda: Eh, I'm good.
Their modest apartment is a shrine to Rosa's achievements.
I see you got star student there.
And, oh, look at that -- your L.
A.
Times Junior News Achiever Award.
That's very impressive.
Yeah.
LaFonda: May 15th.
I bet you'll never forget that day.
Yeah, it was really exciting.
LaFonda: Tuesday, may 15th.
That's a school day.
Yeah.
LaFonda: So you went down to the newspaper on a school day, and [Laughs.]
yet you're award for perfect attendance is right next to that.
Yeah.
It counted as school.
LaFonda: Right.
So does Stuart Miller's trip down to the hospital count as school? I don't understand.
LaFonda: Do you know why he was carted away in that ambulance? The cool kids said -- LaFonda: Anaphylactic shock, because Stuart left his epipen at home that day, and Tammi Bosey brought a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich into their civics class and you weren't there to lend Stuart yours.
Busted.
Even if I was in school that day, I wouldn't have been there.
LaFonda: [ Scoffs .]
I'm not in that class.
LaFonda: No, you weren't, were you? No, because I'm not.
LaFonda: Oh! There it is! That's your "I'm busted" face.
This is my "I don't know what you're talking about" face.
LaFonda: Oh, okay.
Great.
A walk-out.
[ Claps .]
Money in the bank! [ Door closes .]
[ Scoffs .]
Knew she'd crack.
Rosa Gonzalez -- once celebrated for exposing the truth, that past achievement is now shrouded in a cloud of fudged attendance.
Looks like things aren't coming up Rosa anymore.
[ Chuckles .]
Every rosa has its thorns.
Rosas are red, violets are blue, next time, check your facts.
Well, there's one journalist we know who always gets his facts straight -- Skip Reming.
Have you been to the supermarket lately? I hadn't.
Then, the other day, my Mexican housekeeper, Maria, called in sick, leaving me to do the shopping.
Well, thanks to Maria's little stunt, I learned something.
The grocery stores I grew up with are a thing of the past.
Today, the simple act of putting food on the table means having to navigate an impenetrable maze of rainbow-colored trinkets, where every turn is a one-way ticket to diarrhea town.
Go to the grocery store, and your first stop had better be the dictionary aisle, bub.
The way things are labeled, it's the only way you'll know what you're getting.
Organic.
Gluten free.
Decaffeinated.
And my personal favorite-- homogenized.
[ Laughing .]
No, thanks, homo genie.
I'll take my milk the old-fashioned way-- from the breast of a pregnant goat.
And since when does food have to be food? Growing up, me and some local kids formed a gang.
We called ourselves the street chefs, and we'd roam the neighborhood making meals out of anything that wasn't nailed down -- hubcaps, linoleum tile, used prophylactics, those little pellets of mouse bones owls cough up.
That stuck to the ribs all right and got you through the day.
But you ask the stock boy where they keep the owl pellets today, and he looks at you like you escaped from a nervous hospital.
Well, would a crazy person pick a fight with God? Huh? You hear me God?! I'm done eating your garbage! LaFonda: Thanks, Skip.
Next week on "Newsreaders," illegal immigration.
You don't hear about many victories in this war.
We'll tell you about one of them.
[ Police radio chatter .]
And finally tonight, we have two corrections.
The first is that a second ago, I said that we have two corrections when we actually only have one.
There is no second correction.
I'm Louis LaFonda.
Goodnight.
I would slit my mom's throat to dress like you do.
Mark my words -- human sperm is the new bacon.
Human sperm.
LaFonda: Also, more of my award-winning interview with Kate Walsh.
[ Both laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
I know.
LaFonda: And what if everyone who says they're gay is lying? All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders.
" Our main story tonight -- us.
"Newsreaders" has been called the closest thing to reading on television, and Americans rely on us to make them feel smarter.
This award-winning formula is so successful that it has been emulated around the world -- from powerful nations [ speaking Russian .]
LaFonda: To weaker nations [ Speaking Spanish .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Mariachi music plays .]
[ Laughs .]
LaFonda: And even middle schools.
Today in the program, rock-band class is finally added as an elective.
Good news for boys with longish hair.
And puppies -- more like poopies? All that and more and my interview with Kate Walsh's niece Marissa.
[ Both laughing .]
LaFonda: The copycat who touched us the most was California sixth grader Rosa Gonzales.
We were so impressed with Rosa that we invited her to tag along with us to interview an accused serial killer named Roscoe Thurnpike.
Roscoe Thurnpike sits in prison, accused of brutally murdering 17 lawyers.
But Roscoe has a problem -- no lawyer will represent him.
Until that last voice-over, Roscoe's story had gone unreported.
But now his story was just one on-camera in-studio line -- this one -- and some footage of me and a kid walking through a metal detector away from being told.
I'm supposed to have that with me all the time.
I'm allergic to peanuts.
LaFonda: [ Laughing .]
There's no peanuts in the jail.
Just future Pulitzer prizes.
Come on.
Let's go.
Are you allergic to cigarette smoke? Rosa was about to get the kind of education you can only get from television.
And Roscoe Thurnpike was about to get the kind of interview you can only get from a television program revered all over the world.
I-I don't think I can get a fair trial I-if I have to defend myself.
LaFonda: Well, you don't know anything about the law, and this is a tough case.
Plus my terrible secret.
LaFonda: Let me preface that by saying anything you say is gonna be on tape and can be used against you if subpoenaed, so Uh-huh, I'm at peace with that.
LaFonda: Tell your mom to buy you a dress for the Pulitzers.
I can't read.
LaFonda: You can't read? I can't read.
LaFonda: But we've seen tape of you looking at books.
I-I found the, uh, pages taste better than prison food.
LaFonda: You were wearing glasses.
I-I like to see what I'm eating.
LaFonda: So why couldn't accused lawyer-killer Roscoe Thurnpike get a lawyer? We asked Jason bloom, a man who made his parents happy by going to law school and then disappointed them by becoming a chief public defender.
Why have all the public defenders in your office refused to represent Mr.
Thurnpike? [ Smacks lips .]
Many reasons.
Uh, it's January.
A lot of people take vacations this time of year.
LaFonda: Oh, vacations.
Sure.
Sure.
Parent-teacher conferences, of course.
LaFonda: Mm-hmm.
Uh, construction on route 18.
LaFonda: Always.
And he killed 17 lawyers.
LaFonda: Allegedly killed 17 lawyers.
Perhaps the Attorney General would like to hear about your scheduling difficulties.
He's at a parent-teacher conference.
LaFonda: Oh, is he? Well, I wonder how his son is doing in civics class, which is the study of government and law.
I -- I know that.
LaFonda: Because that's where he would learn about his constitutional right to an attorney.
[ Clang! .]
See that? That's the "I'm busted" face.
See his face? Draw that.
Draw a picture of that.
All right.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah.
LaFonda: You're leaving the interview? Are you getting this? Mr.
bloom is leaving the interview.
[ Laughs .]
We got a walk-out! As a result of our investigation, the state supreme court ruled that Mr.
Thurnpike could not be forced to represent himself.
And with no lawyers willing to take the case, he was freed.
Thanks to "Newsreaders," Roscoe Thurnpike, guilty of nothing more than being victimized by an unfair criminal justice system, could rejoin society as a free man.
We thought that was the end of the story.
Turns out, it was just the middle.
Three weeks after he was freed, Rosa Gonzalez did a follow-up interview with Roscoe Thurnpike on her show.
Later on in the program, Nantasket Beach lifeguards are totally on a power trip.
But first, please welcome my very special guest -- former accused killer Roscoe Thurnpike.
How's it going, Roscoe? How's life on the outside? Uh, wonderful thanks to you and, uh, "Newsreaders.
" What have you been doing? Uh, lots of stuff.
Uh, I've been tending to my garden, which was out of control.
Mm-hmm.
Plus, so much has changed since I've been away.
Well, except for the construction on route 18.
Yeah.
Don't get my mom started.
Plus, I've been getting a lot of lawyer killing done.
So you killed those lawyers? Oh, yeah.
I'm nuts for it.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew that.
LaFonda: Roscoe Thurnpike is now on the lam, and we here at "Newsreaders" are at least partially responsible.
And there's one more thing you can give us credit for -- little Rosa Gonzalez has become a star.
Her life changed overnight.
She exposed the truth, "Newzkids" is now an Internet sensation, and Rosa Gonzalez is a household name.
Hey, uh, did you hear about this little girl -- Rosa Gonzalez? Yeah, turns out this sixth grader is a brilliant journalist.
Speaking of little kids, all day I thought it was Tuesday until my son corrected me, and I was like, "who am I? 'Newsreaders'?" [ Laughter .]
LaFonda: We decided to catch up with Rosa to see how she was handling all the attention.
Next week, Stuart Miller leaves gym in an ambulance.
The cool kids suspect epilepsy or, quote, "Something else that makes you look special needs.
" LaFonda: Wasn't she terrific? Huh.
Very good first take.
So, how does it feel to be a real newsperson? Well, I'm not.
Maybe someday.
LaFonda: I heard you won an award.
The L.
A.
times gave me a junior news achiever award.
I got to go to the paper to get it.
They let me hang out in the newsroom.
LaFonda: Ooh! Okay.
Observing people while they work.
[ Chuckles .]
Well, I guess that's your beat.
Right? Remember? Like with us? Yeah.
LaFonda: Yeah.
Do you know what the capital of Kentucky is? Frankfort.
LaFonda: That's very good.
Do you know what the capital of the Congo is? No.
That's not a state.
LaFonda: Kinshasa.
It's not a state.
LaFonda: No.
It's another country, but other countries have capitals, too.
Just something you might want to remember.
The daughter of immigrants, Rosa is more than living up to her parents' American dreams.
So, did you ever think your little Rosa would become a celebrity? They don't speak English.
LaFonda: Oh.
Do you want me to translate? LaFonda: Eh, I'm good.
Their modest apartment is a shrine to Rosa's achievements.
I see you got star student there.
And, oh, look at that -- your L.
A.
Times Junior News Achiever Award.
That's very impressive.
Yeah.
LaFonda: May 15th.
I bet you'll never forget that day.
Yeah, it was really exciting.
LaFonda: Tuesday, may 15th.
That's a school day.
Yeah.
LaFonda: So you went down to the newspaper on a school day, and [Laughs.]
yet you're award for perfect attendance is right next to that.
Yeah.
It counted as school.
LaFonda: Right.
So does Stuart Miller's trip down to the hospital count as school? I don't understand.
LaFonda: Do you know why he was carted away in that ambulance? The cool kids said -- LaFonda: Anaphylactic shock, because Stuart left his epipen at home that day, and Tammi Bosey brought a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich into their civics class and you weren't there to lend Stuart yours.
Busted.
Even if I was in school that day, I wouldn't have been there.
LaFonda: [ Scoffs .]
I'm not in that class.
LaFonda: No, you weren't, were you? No, because I'm not.
LaFonda: Oh! There it is! That's your "I'm busted" face.
This is my "I don't know what you're talking about" face.
LaFonda: Oh, okay.
Great.
A walk-out.
[ Claps .]
Money in the bank! [ Door closes .]
[ Scoffs .]
Knew she'd crack.
Rosa Gonzalez -- once celebrated for exposing the truth, that past achievement is now shrouded in a cloud of fudged attendance.
Looks like things aren't coming up Rosa anymore.
[ Chuckles .]
Every rosa has its thorns.
Rosas are red, violets are blue, next time, check your facts.
Well, there's one journalist we know who always gets his facts straight -- Skip Reming.
Have you been to the supermarket lately? I hadn't.
Then, the other day, my Mexican housekeeper, Maria, called in sick, leaving me to do the shopping.
Well, thanks to Maria's little stunt, I learned something.
The grocery stores I grew up with are a thing of the past.
Today, the simple act of putting food on the table means having to navigate an impenetrable maze of rainbow-colored trinkets, where every turn is a one-way ticket to diarrhea town.
Go to the grocery store, and your first stop had better be the dictionary aisle, bub.
The way things are labeled, it's the only way you'll know what you're getting.
Organic.
Gluten free.
Decaffeinated.
And my personal favorite-- homogenized.
[ Laughing .]
No, thanks, homo genie.
I'll take my milk the old-fashioned way-- from the breast of a pregnant goat.
And since when does food have to be food? Growing up, me and some local kids formed a gang.
We called ourselves the street chefs, and we'd roam the neighborhood making meals out of anything that wasn't nailed down -- hubcaps, linoleum tile, used prophylactics, those little pellets of mouse bones owls cough up.
That stuck to the ribs all right and got you through the day.
But you ask the stock boy where they keep the owl pellets today, and he looks at you like you escaped from a nervous hospital.
Well, would a crazy person pick a fight with God? Huh? You hear me God?! I'm done eating your garbage! LaFonda: Thanks, Skip.
Next week on "Newsreaders," illegal immigration.
You don't hear about many victories in this war.
We'll tell you about one of them.
[ Police radio chatter .]
And finally tonight, we have two corrections.
The first is that a second ago, I said that we have two corrections when we actually only have one.
There is no second correction.
I'm Louis LaFonda.
Goodnight.
I would slit my mom's throat to dress like you do.