Party of Five s06e05 Episode Script

The Shortest Distance

1 I know that they were having problems, but to do it over the phone It seems kind of cold.
Hey, you mind if I grab one of these muffins? Everything in my refrigerator at home tastes like beer.
Go for it.
I just don't know if we should judge her, Claud.
Judge who? Sarah's staying in New York.
What, for how long? Couple more weeks? Indefinitely.
I mean, she might not be coming home.
So that's it, she's just gone? Hey, blueberry muffins.
Anybody mind? My parents charge me for breakfast now.
Somebody say somebody's gone? Who's gone? Sarah's staying in New York.
She's not coming back.
What? You mean like permanently? Could be.
Oh, man.
Is Bailey freaking? Hard to tell.
He's been up in his room ever since he told us Packing Sarah's stuff.
Yeesh.
Well, someone should probably go talk to him, right? And say what, Will? Mornin'.
-Hey, buddy -Hey, Bay! -Hey, Bailey.
-Hey Ok.
Look, I know what everybody's thinking But it's not like we broke up or anything, ok.
Sarah's just hanging in New York for a little while.
And so, we're gonna do the long distance thing.
-No problem.
-Yeah.
-Great.
-Sure.
I mean, yeah, it's gonna take some work.
But it's not like she's gone forever.
And in the meantime, I get to go to New York, hang out with her there, and she's gonna be coming back here.
So really, it's not that bad.
It isn't.
-Whatever you want.
-Course not.
-That's great.
-New York is great.
Everybody wants to live Like they wanna live And everybody wants to love Like they wanna love And everybody wants to be Closer to free Closer to free Good morning.
Bacon? It's part of your brand new regimen.
To build up your sperm motility.
Get those swimmers moving faster.
My sperm? I'm already working on that.
I gave up beer, I'm wearing baggier pants.
And that's great.
But there's more you can do.
Like extra caffeine, vitamins, diet Frozen boxers.
Hello Dr.
Vasquez said to do all this? No, the Internet did.
Kirsten, the Internet? I couldn't sleep.
These stupid hormone injections.
So I logged on and I found a bunch of fertility sites.
Ok, but-- Listen.
If our insurance covered in vitro fertilization, and you hadn't already taken that second job to pay for all this, and I didn't need these stupid shots twice a day, believe me, you'd be guzzling beers in your tights for all I care.
But we have to make this count.
Every try we take.
All right.
So caffeine, this funky bacon-- It's actually dried snake penis.
The Chinese use it for virility.
What? They have a billion people in china.
Where did you find this website-- Wait, you haven't heard the best part.
Sex twice a day.
Really? They said that? Keeps the pipes clear.
Should we tick one off the list right now? Yeah, as soon as I get my shot And you take a cold shower and finish your penis.
I'm sorry.
This is just too very creepy.
These guys? They only seem like they're watching.
I'm not talking about the frogs.
I'm talking about us.
All this hiding and sneaking around.
I broke up with Alexa.
I'm not going behind her back.
No, I am.
Alexa's my friend.
Ok.
Then the way I see it, you have three choices.
Number one is, we stop seeing each other.
Really? I mean, what's choice number two? Number two is, I tell her.
No.
Oh, no.
Not that.
She'd hate us both, Cameron.
Ok.
So we're back to option three.
Which is this.
Flying under the radar.
There must be 50 guys asking her out by now.
Really? You think so? I know so.
I used to be one of them.
I'll see you fifth period? Go, go.
What are you looking at? -So check-in's at 7:00 -Mmm-hmm.
And my contact at the bookseller's conference promised up prime spots on every panel.
Julia.
What are you doing here? Chapter seven hot of the presses.
Well, you could have faxed it to me or given it to me tonight at the conference.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I was just in the neighborhood.
Hey, you shaved.
Oh, yeah.
For the panel.
So this is Didi Chen, she's my Marketing Director.
Didi, this is Julia Salinger.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Was there anything else? How's your hand? It's good.
I can-- That's not actually what I wanted to talk about.
Got it.
Writer talk.
-Page me.
-Ok.
What's up? Ok.
It's not a big deal.
I just wanna make sure we're ok.
Hmm? The other night at the hospital when we-- When I kissed you.
Oh, that.
That's ancient history.
I haven't given it a second thought.
-Oh -So how did this chapter turn out? I know you went back and forth on that fight with your brothers.
Not even a second thought, huh? What? I mean, I'm glad you're not upset about it.
But I guess I thought-- Well, the reason that it happened was because there was something between us, you know.
Julia I mean, we spend millions of hours together.
And shared all kinds of stories about each other's lives -And you did kiss me back -Listen, you're not-- I mean, if I'm wrong, if I'm way off base-- Ok, I'm gonna stop you.
You know I'm your editor here.
Yeah, I know.
I'm not talking about the book.
Well, maybe you should.
I mean, think about the situation.
Now I can either publish you or not.
I've got all the power between us.
Which when two people work together and they are not equals-- This kind of thing that you're alluding to It's against all the rules.
Now you do understand that, don't you? Sure.
You still didn't answer my question.
Yes, I did.
My biology final.
I passed, thanks to you.
Good job, Myra.
Congratulations, that's great.
Geometry is on Friday.
I didn't know if maybe you had some time.
Uh, listen, I can't.
I can't.
I've got this thing.
I've started another job.
And it works every night this week.
Every night? Ok.
I get it.
You're like the papa bird pushing me out of the nest.
Myra, you're gonna do great.
Ok? You don't even need me.
You know, half of them break their little necks though.
I mean, I see their tiny carcasses splattered on the sidewalk.
But hey Myra, listen.
Uh, my sister is awesome at Math.
I mean, maybe she can help you.
Claudia? Banana girl? -Banana-- -Republic.
All her friends wear it.
Note, please, the contrast to me.
She doesn't care about any of that.
Ok, just wait here one second, -And I'm gonna go ask her.
Ok? -No.
No Claudia, hey.
Listen, I need your help with something.
Stupid piece of crap.
Listen.
I'm tutoring one of your classmates.
Myra Wringler.
And she needs some help with her geometry.
Ringworm? The angriest student in high school? You'll be fine.
I thought you loved me, Charlie.
I thought you cared if I lived.
Myra, listen.
Myra, Claudia Study buddies.
Ok? Gus.
Charlie, hey.
I loved your scroll work on those Queen Anne knockoffs.
Well, thanks.
Listen Don't be modest.
Those are tricky devils.
You nailed 'em.
Listen, I don't wanna sound ungrateful, But I was wondering if Oh, now.
I'm already paying you $20 an hour.
That's the most I ever pay a part-timer.
No, no.
I don't want a raise, Gus.
I want some extra hours.
I need at least 30 a week.
I don't have much of a backlog in orders, Charlie.
I got guys with seniority here when I do.
Well, I'm sorry, Gus.
But I really need those hours, or I'm gonna have to look somewhere else.
All right.
You put it that way, ok.
30 hours.
Thanks.
Whatever you're saving for, I hope you get it.
Me, too.
No, no.
Captain Fabulous versus The Blood Guzzler is the undercard.
You're the promotions department, you fix it.
No.
If Harold finds out about this Hello? Hello? I do not get paid enough.
Don't they know I'm an intern? You should protest, man.
-Damn straight.
-Don't come in For like a week.
See what they do here without you.
Man, I am so ready to do that.
Ok.
Then let's go.
-Truck's outside.
-You're funny.
-What truck? -The truck.
The truck with Sarah's stuff on it.
Griffin and I are driving it across country.
Ok, you're losing me here.
I got it all worked out.
Joe's back in town so he's covering the restaurant, Victor's got Owen, And Griffin found some Harley in Brooklyn he wants to pick up, So he's coming with me.
All I need, is my wing man.
My navigator.
But 3,000 miles.
You can't just ship it? It would cost a fortune to ship all that stuff.
And I was gonna go visit Sarah anyway, So I'm saving money on airfare.
Besides, it's a chance for us to see the whole country, Will.
Come on.
I don't know You're an unpaid intern.
They owe you.
Yeah.
Well, it's not like they won't let me off.
But don't you think this is a little insane? Exactly.
That's exactly what it is.
Because it's exactly what my good buddy Will told me I should be.
And you were right, man.
It's impulsive, it's spontaneous, It's totally out there.
Bailey Sarah moved across the country, Will.
I miss her.
Your compadre is in pain.
Now is that any less important to you than who's on the undercard with The Blood Guzzler? Come on.
What do you say? I say, uh Shotgun.
Right and then I'll see them all down in the lobby.
Yeah.
Cocktails, sure.
Julia.
Come on in.
Ok.
Well, I'll call you later.
Ok.
-Hi.
-Hi.
So what can I do for you? Well, I came to talk to you about the note you slid under my door.
Chapter seven.
Yeah.
I thought there was some great stuff in there.
Really? I can't tell.
I mean, you crossed out the entire section on how I made up with Ned.
Well, I thought it was just a little simplistic.
What do you mean? Well, this idea that what smoothed things over was only Well, it was only -Sex? -Yeah.
Well, sometimes that's what it was.
I believe you.
It just sends out a strange message, that's all.
Evan, I'm writing what happened.
I'm not sending a message.
Ok.
But we can't ignore how that affects readers, Julia.
Meaning what? How do you think it affects them? I think that it might confuse them.
I think that it might disconnect them from-- Wait.
Confuse them or you? I'm sorry? It seems you're a little confused.
Does it bother you, Evan? The idea of me and sex? Why would that? Julia, I hope you're not still stuck on that stuff that happened the other day.
No, no.
Not at all.
I'm just trying to understand.
Cause you might be the only editor on the planet right now who's asking the writer to give them less sex.
But if that's what you want.
You're the boss, I guess.
Ok, no joke.
Now I really have to pee.
We just stopped in Reno.
That was three hours ago.
And I nearly had to chew your arm off on the donner pass to get us to a drive-through.
And what's up with you not letting us gamble? Come on.
Reno's a total cliche.
Yeah.
A total cliche with practically naked cocktail waitresses.
Guys, we're making amazing time.
Eight hours and 17 minutes and we're already half way through Nevada.
Yeah.
That's because we've been in this truck since 5:30 a.
m.
Escaped convicts don't travel at this pace.
And seriously, you know.
You are pushing the engine pretty hard.
We're carrying a lot of weight back there.
In addition to the fact-- In case I failed to make this clear, my bladder's about to explode all over Sarah's summer wardrobe.
Look, just hold it in till we all have to go, ok? We can't keep stopping if we want to stay on schedule.
Ok.
When did we decide that we were setting a transcontinental speed record? And what happened to seeing the sights? We're seeing the sights.
Look out your window.
See? Sights.
Ok, listen.
Thursday is my third anniversary with Sarah.
Ok.
It's a very important date.
And I'd really like us to be together.
Thursday? As in two days from now? You want to be in New York city, the one next to the Atlantic Ocean, by Thursday? I got it all worked out.
It's exactly 3,100 miles from the Bay Bridge to the George Washington Bridge.
That's 17 hours a day at 60 miles an hour.
It's cake.
I mean, look.
We've already covered more than half of our mileage quota for day one.
I'll give you 20 bucks if you say you have to pee.
I have to pee.
Go for it.
Ok, so the angles always add up to 180.
And so what? Why do I need to know this? Claudia? Tell me you don't feel bad for her.
Myra She's my friend.
Come on.
I mean, so she loses the football captain.
So what? Now it's just who's next, the soccer captain or the basketball captain? Hey, Claudia.
Hey.
God, I just wanna cry so bad.
But I can't let him see me that way.
I know.
But you gotta forget about Cameron.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
I mean, you're gonna meet someone else.
In about five minutes.
You know what? This person, they're gonna be better.
I mean they're gonna be better for you.
I don't know.
I don't know if that's true.
I mean Cameron He is so hard to know.
I mean, he's got so many secrets.
I mean, it took him like a year to let me in.
But after he did-- I mean, who else will I ever have that with? -Claudia.
-Hi.
What are you doing here? I just Cameron, I just I kind of need to talk to you.
I wish you'd called first.
I know.
I'm really sorry.
But I couldn't say this over the phone.
Cam, your mom says dinner's ready.
Cameron, this may seem weird and you know, kind of sudden, but I was thinking-- Cam? Oh, hello.
Hi.
I didn't realize you had a lady friend.
Karl? We'd better hurry.
Well if you'll excuse me.
Duty calls.
Your dad, he seemed like a pretty nice guy.
He is.
Only he's not here.
My buddy Karl is not my dad.
My dad works late.
Karl and my mom Hang out.
-Wow.
I-- -Look you don't have to say anything, ok.
I mean, that's what I do.
Say nothing.
That way they get to think I don't know.
Look, I gotta go eat.
You were telling me something.
It can wait.
Ok.
I'll see ya.
Ok.
Wow.
You look-- Oh, god.
I'm sorry I'm late.
All right candles, ok All right just give me 30 seconds to get this turpentine off my skin.
Hurry up.
So, I got Gus to give me some more hours.
Ten on top of the 20 that I already had.
That should pretty much cover the I.
V.
F.
Which just leaves the meds.
I've been dreaming about this all day.
You know what? I'm reading.
A minute ago you were like, "Come hither.
" You blinked.
I had a hot flash.
End of story.
Wow.
It's just a mood swing.
Ok? The shots can do that.
This doesn't mean I'm depressed.
My doctors are monitoring me incredibly closely.
I'm just I'm just irritable.
So don't give me that look.
Ok.
But, Kirsten.
I mean, what about the The twice a day thing? I mean I took my pills, I wore my frosty boxers, And there's still that You know.
Handle it yourself.
I'm going to sleep.
I can't tell for sure, but I think the cylinder head may be cracked.
All right.
Well, you're a mechanic.
Fix it.
I can get us to the next town, but if it's the cylinder head, we're gonna need some parts.
That's great.
That's just great.
I'm a new man.
Let's hit the road.
Not tonight.
We're not getting any farther than the nearest hotel.
Even better.
All right.
As long as we're back on the road by 8:00 a.
m.
We should be ok.
That may be a little optimistic.
I don't care if we have to replace the whole engine.
We're staying on schedule.
Bailey, I know you're a man with a mission.
But let's face facts.
There's no way in hell we're gonna make New York by Thursday.
-We have to.
-Sarah's not gonna care if you're a day or two late.
Just give her a call.
- I can't do that.
- Why not? Because she doesn't know I'm coming.
Wait.
Help me out here.
We're driving 3,000 miles and Sarah has no idea you're coming? No.
Well, what if we get there and she's gone? What do you plan on doing with her stuff? This isn't just about her stuff.
Come on, you guys.
You really think that I would drive 3,000 miles just to bring her, her stuff? Then why are you? I have to surprise her.
-Surprise her.
-Yes.
I'm making a statement.
I'm proving a point.
So she can't say no.
No to what? No to coming back home.
I'm gonna bring Sarah back home.
Anyway, I'm sorry to come by without calling first, But we ran out of dipies.
Oh, it's ok.
And money too.
Because I didn't get your check yet, which is no biggie.
Would you go get her drool-proof duckie book? It's in the bathroom.
Yes, I can do that.
So anyway, since my landlord's relaxed about the rent.
Calm down, you know.
Go visit the red Buddha of limitless lights The ten worlds, you know? I'm sorry, what were you saying? Are you trying to make a baby with Kirsten? What? No.
Why would you think that? Uh, maybe your cobra penis.
And then of course there's this.
Uh -We were keeping it a secret.
-Mmm-hmm.
But, yeah.
We're doing it in vitro.
You know, where you take the eggs out and-- Oh, yeah.
No, I totally know about them.
My friend Angie did that.
Yeah.
Well, it's just, it's kind of stressful.
And expensive which is why we've been acting a little weird lately.
No, no, you totally don't have to explain.
Which is why we've been keeping it quiet.
You know.
Because all that stuff plus it's It's still a real long shot.
Charlie, I think it's awesome.
You do? I do.
It's awesome.
And hey.
You know, as long as we're sharing good news, I should tell you that I got a job.
-You did? -Yeah.
That's great.
Why didn't you say anything? 'Cause I didn't want to jinx it, you know.
So as of pretty soon, I'm completely off your list of worries.
Gotta order the part from my supplier in Casper.
Take two days to get it here, minimum.
That's if I give it a rush.
Look, man.
If this is just some kind of scam to jack up the price of the repair-- How's that? Excuse us a second.
Bailey, you need to lighten up here, ok.
We're in the middle of god-knows-where Wyoming.
We're lucky this guy's got a phone-- He's gonna cost us two extra days, Will.
You keep pissing him off and he's gonna cost us a lot more than that.
We'll end up on the back of a milk carton.
I don't have time to screw around.
Bailey, you need to like, take a breath, all right? You're scaring me.
Well, you know what? I'm scared too, Will.
This whole thing that I'm doing with Sarah-- This whole trip here.
It's a long shot, ok.
I know that.
But I don't know any other way.
She has to see me.
And maybe she'll hear what I have to say.
And decide not to come home with me.
But I have to try.
Now, last up Slated for a mid-winter first printing, a memoir by the very talented young writer sitting next to me here, Julia Salinger.
Julia takes a frank look at the social and familial context that led her to stay in an abusive relationship.
She tries to offer some answers to women like her, whether they've suffered abuse-- Actually, I'm not saying that I have any answers.
It's one woman's story told from both sides of the problem, to give illumination and hope to people-- I'm sorry, can I just I'm sorry, I just wanna clarify.
I'm not saying that I have any answers.
Please don't be looking for that.
I'm just trying to tell my story.
And hopefully that'll make people think.
That's all.
I believe the sample chapter that you've been given will clarify how the book speaks to people-- Actually, you know what? Just one more thing What Evan just said.
You guys are the first people to read this.
So any reactions that you have I would love to hear.
Especially any women-- I'm sorry, should I be waiting till you're done? Go ahead.
Hi.
What's your question? Yes.
Hey.
How you doin'? How's the studying coming? Are you asking me as a friend? 'Cause if that's the case, if I'm your so-called friend I'm not so sure.
What are you talking about? Here.
Next time you lend your geometry textbook to someone, make sure you check it for notes and stuff.
What's in here? Cameron.
He's in your geometry class, right? Yeah.
I guess that's who "c" was.
He's the one that scribbles places for you to meet, And things like, "Hey, does 'a' know?" "A" being Alexa, I assume.
You proud of me, teacher? I figured it out.
Can I borrow you just for a minute? Sure.
I'm sorry.
Listen, the next time you're trying to hijack a panel like that, try to give me a warning, ok? I know.
I'm sorry.
Because I didn't spend all those hours writing a marketing presentation just to hear myself talk.
I know.
You're right.
These people need to leave here with a clear idea of what those books are about, Julia.
Right.
Well, one person definitely heard what I was saying.
Who? Me.
Look, don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying you haven't added a ton, but all along, the way we've worked is I let you tell me how to write this book.
You asked me to edit you.
That is all that I did.
I know.
Evan I'm blaming myself.
The thing is, sitting on that stage, facing all those people, it's like a light went off in my head.
I've been looking for someone to tell me what this book should sound like, and now I know, I finally realize, this book should sound like me.
So thank you.
Because what you said about having all the power between us, you were right.
You've been trying to tell me to take control, and now I am.
This book is finally mine again, and that feels great, so thank you.
Charlie? It's midnight.
You were supposed to be home at 9:00.
Well Gus had an order for end tables.
Next-day delivery.
I had to stay, Or I would've lost the hours.
I'm gonna go get undressed.
Kirsten, wait a minute.
I can't.
Ok? I'm just-- I'm too out of it.
Charlie, we have to.
I really don't want to, ok? I'm totally beat.
I just gotta take a shower and go to bed.
A hot shower? 'Cause you know, it's supposed to-- Could you please not do that right now? You know, this isn't easy on me, either.
When I got off work tonight I got in my truck, and I sat there, and I thought "Now I have to go home and have sex with my wife.
" And, man, I mean, for a split second there, I had the urge to go back in there and work.
Like I'd rather go back in there and make another end table than to come home and make love to my wife.
I mean We're making a baby here, Kirsten.
This is supposed to be fun.
And it just It just feels bad to be working on making a baby with you and catching myself wondering why.
We're all set.
I got another shop to messenger the parts, So we should be back on the road by noon.
What? What? -Will and me -We're thinking of catching a bus back home.
What? You what? I don't get it.
You guys are baggin' on me? Bailey, this trip Suddenly, it's nothing it was supposed to be.
Why, because we're not stopping to see the world's tallest thermometer? That's part of it.
Look, there's plenty of time to do all that stuff on the way back, you guys.
Yeah, maybe so, but, I don't know.
Will, hey You're the one who told me that I should take some chances, right? That I shouldn't play things safe.
So now I'm taking your advice, and you're bailing on me? You know, maybe that's why this feels so wrong.
'Cause you're standing there acting like this is you taking risks, But the truth is, this is you chasing after Sarah, trying to hold on.
You're, like, scared to let anything change.
No.
You know what? This is a joke.
Me taking relationship advice from you two guys.
We're not trying-- When Julia left for Stanford, what did you do? You let her go.
You totally tanked on your own marriage.
And you, what's the longest you've ever hung in with a girl? A month? Maybe two? Or you just get 'em pregnant and dump 'em on somebody else? God, Bail-- I can't believe you would go there! Leave it's not worth it.
Maybe that's you guys, but I don't do that.
I don't walk away from people.
I don't quit on my girlfriend, and I don't quit on my friends.
So I'm quitting on you? Leaving work, driving thousands of miles to hear this? I'm gonna make sure Sarah knows that I'm still here.
I'll make sure so she can't walk away.
Take a look around, man.
She already has.
Hang on.
Ok.
You know, I have been walking around this hotel for three hours, trying to figure out what is going on.
I've worked with hundreds of authors, -And none of them-- -Evan.
No.
There are rules, Julia, ok? There are things that you do, and there are things you don't do.
I'm sorry what are you talking about? How am I supposed to It's not just I'm sorry.
-Wow.
I thought we weren't -I know.
This wasn't That's not No.
You know what? Shh Order up Look, we were talking, and We're thinking that We changed our minds.
We wanna keep going.
Hit the big apple with you.
Go the distance, all right? You guys know how far we still have to go? Through, like Eight or nine more states.
We've just been through three, and already We've broken down Fighting We've had all these problems, and there's That still leaves eight.
Sarah is so far away.
She's so far away.
-Hey! -Hey.
I was just on my way to pick up the baby, and, actually, I could use a little favor from you.
I was hoping you could watch her for just a little while 'cause I have to find a job, like, today.
Look, Daph.
You know I love you, but I can't.
Bailey's got me here 24-7, cooking, cleaning, shopping.
He needs to learn that I'm a caregiver, not a house cleaner.
Soon as that man gets back from wherever the hell-- Then are you saying you're not at your place very often? No.
Why? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no! But I could sublet my place for some extra money if I had a place to stay for just a little bit.
Isn't Charlie helping you out? No.
Not anymore.
I told him I was fine.
But you're broke.
I know that.
But he's-- He's got his own family now, Victor.
I have to learn to not lean on people.
As soon as I finish leaning on you first.
Please? -Please? -Ok.
Thank you Victor! I love you! I love you! I love you! Keep it clean.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Wait a minute.
What are you-- Are you breaking up with me? I really like you, Cameron.
I mean, I really do, but I see Alexa, and I run into Alexa thousands of times a day.
So, basically, you're picking her over me.
What? No, I'm not.
You are.
Cameron, I'm not picking anyone.
Unless Maybe I'm picking myself.
When I first realized how upset Alexa was, I felt bad for her, and then when I was at your house, I felt bad for you.
I was never this kind of person, Cameron.
I was never the one who said, "Hey.
All's fair in love and war.
" I don't know.
Maybe it means I'll grow old all alone.
I can't do something that makes me feel this bad about myself.
I just can't.
Salinger.
Charles.
I have a date with the hamster.
I'm leaving a sample.
A sample of You know.
My sperm.
Have you been here before, Mr.
Salinger? For a consultation.
Not for-- Down the hall.
Cubicle 9.
Ok.
What about Something to read or something.
Everything you need is in the room.
It's taken.
Hey.
I've only been in here for about 30 seconds.
Ok? Kirsten What's going on? You were wondering why.
This is why.
Hey.
You ok? I'm fine.
I know that look, Evan.
You get it whenever you read something that stinks, and you're afraid to tell me.
I don't know.
It's just Can't help thinking You know there were so many reasons.
There were good reasons.
And I just Is this a mistake? You know what? I don't know either.
But the thing is-- I feel good.
Don't you? Well, yeah, you know.
Sure.
-But, you know -Evan.
How do you feel? I feel good.
Let's go home.