Perfect Harmony (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Hunting Season

1 Ave Maria Stop! Tenors, I need more volume.
I can't hear you over the sound of Franz Schubert thrashing and wailing in his grave.
Franz Schubert is the composer of "Ave Maria.
" And he's angry.
Because you suck - Oh.
- Oh, I get it! If my name was Franz, I'd want to be dead, too.
Excuse me.
I think we sound good.
Ha, "good"! The lonely chubby stepsister of "great.
" If we're gonna qualify for state, "good" is not gonna cut it.
I'm calling an emergency rehearsal for tomorrow.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Tomorrow? No can do, Artie-poo.
Don't ever call me that.
Why not? Because tomorrow is the first day of deer-hunting season.
It's sort of a unofficial holiday in Kentucky.
Everything shuts down, even the schools.
And this is the first year Cash is old enough to come with me.
It's a classic rite of passage where a boy becomes a man.
Or as you may call it, a bar mitzvah.
I'm not Jewish.
Wait, bar mitzvah's a Jewish thing? [LAUGHS.]
I always thought it was a New York thing.
Normally I have a year to prepare for a major competition.
I will not be embarrassed.
So you can kill your woodland creatures after the Regionals.
No.
- No? - No.
Are you questioning my authority? I'm denying its existence.
You have no leverage over me.
I'm a volunteer, not some neurotic student who signed up for freshman choir because I need the approval of Angry Santa.
[LAUGHTER.]
Angry Santa.
That's you.
Where are you going? Rehearsal is not over until I say it's over.
Oh, no! Dr.
Cochran's mad at me.
If I get kicked out of glee club, I might have time to lose my virginity.
[HOOTS AND LAUGHTER.]
I think of you more as an angry Wolf Blitzer.
Okay, rehearsal's over.
Awesome, thanks.
[BRIGHT FOLK MUSIC.]
Hallelujah, thine the glory Revive us again Okay, this is gonna help your dyslexia.
Just use your finger and write a word in the sand.
Any word? Nothing that starts with an F.
Or an S.
You know what? Just write "butt.
" Do I have to do this, Mom? Dad says no one listens to Angry Santa.
Cash! It's not my fault Adams hit Arthur with a sick burn.
It doesn't matter how sick the burn was, Dr.
Cochran is helping you, so you better do what he says.
This is how it starts.
One singer disrespects you, it spreads through the choir.
Next thing you know, you're taking flak from a booger-eating ten-year-old.
- 11-year-old.
- Do your work.
Oh, uh, Ginny, I hate to be a bother, but I placed my order 20 minutes ago, and I know it doesn't take that long to warm milk.
Sorry, I'm just worried about Arthur and Adams.
Oh, yes.
That was quite a showdown.
[CHUCKLES.]
Like, Helen Hunt versus the tornado in that film, "Don't Make God Angry, or He'll Throw a Cow at You.
" I just I can't afford to have Adams run him off.
Tutors cost 50 bucks an hour, and I pay him in day-old biscuits.
Is she the only waitress working tonight? Look at you, working hard! That's nice.
Hey, you know what else would be nice? You going easy on Arthur so he doesn't quit.
I don't know, just a thought.
Please.
That man thinks he can come into this town and push me around? [CHUCKLES.]
I did not get the cover of "Bluegrass Businesswoman Magazine" by being a pushover.
I thought it was because you owned it.
I did.
I also own this diner and the bourbon distillery.
Yes, you are very important Important? [SCOFFS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I am a pillar of this community.
But that egomaniac is too busy throwing his résumé in my face to pay me my due respect.
You know what's funny? You two actually have more in common than [TENSE FIDDLE NOTES.]
You like respect, got it.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
[AWKWARD FIDDLE MUSIC.]
Look at you, helping my son overcome his challenges! That's nice! You know what else would be nice? You showing Adams some respect.
- I don't know, just a thought.
- [SNORTS.]
That was a snort.
Of derision.
I'm just saying, show some appreciation for her accomplishments.
Ooh, I know! Get her to sign a cover of "Bluegrass Businesswoman Magazine" for ya! Adams is like the toughest guy in the prison yard.
You don't go up to that guy and ask him for an autograph.
You punch him in the face.
With a fist full of respect? You know, when I was teaching at Princeton Mm, I was wondering when you were gonna work that in.
I had a problem with the president of Princeton.
- Mm.
- The Princeton president.
I'm sorry, where? - Princeton, New Jersey.
- I can't hear you.
- Princeton? - I never heard of it.
Anyway, I invited him on a quail hunt.
I totally outshot him, and I never had a problem with him again, and that is exactly what I'm gonna do with Adams tomorrow.
You know, it's one thing to shoot birds with some nerd, but Adams was on the cover of "Kentucky Huntress" magazine, and she doesn't own that one! - [BELL DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
This is gonna be a disaster.
I Who do I need to bless around here to get a glass of warm milk? ["BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING.]
CHOIR: Mine eyes have seen the glory Of the coming of the Lord He is trampling out the vintage Where the grapes of wrath are stored He hath loosed the fateful lightning Of His terrible swift sword His truth Is marching on Glory, glory, Hallelujah - His truth is marching on - [ALL HUMMING.]
Lord, please protect our hunters today.
May their sights be straight and their aim be true.
And may all the hunters return to us safely.
Amen.
ALL: His truth is marching On Whoo-whee! What a day to be a man, yeah! We are gonna pee outside and scratch ourselves and burp and fart wherever we want.
You're a lucky woman, Ginny.
Oh, actually, we're getting divorced.
[WHISPERING.]
That's what I meant.
Hey, son, do you realize that you are the seventh generation of Hawlings men to hunt in these woods? Check this out.
That's me when I was your age with my daddy and my first kill.
Did you get many likes? How did you get this picture off your phone and on this raggedy piece of paper? Magic, son.
- Magic.
- Sorry I'm late.
Oh, looking snazzy, Arthur, like a distinguished Elmer Fudd.
- What is he doing here? - I'm going hunting with you.
She didn't tell you I was coming? You didn't tell me he was coming.
Surprise.
Isn't it great? It's gonna be great.
You guys get to spend some time together and get to know each other better, and, plus, I hear Arthur's a really good hunter.
- No, I am an excellent hunter.
- [OTHERS YELP.]
Put the gun down, jackass.
It's bow-hunting season.
And don't you dare get in my way.
That's how people get hurt, accidentally or otherwise.
It's gonna be great! [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Remember what I told you, son.
It's just like that game "Big Buck Hunter," except now you got a bow and there's better graphics, and we're bonding in the woods instead of a bar.
Cool dog.
What's his name? Name's Boone.
He's gonna help me find a special kind of mushroom that grows underground called a truffle.
Wait, you're not hunting deer like us? No, no, I don't believe in killing any living creature, especially something as beautiful and majestic as a deer.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, uh, but I do believe in spending time in the beautiful Kentucky woods - with my best friend.
- Yep.
There's no one else I'd rather be out here with.
Except for Dale Earnhardt Jr.
I think that dude would be such a cool hang.
Ooh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Now, you sure you know how to use one of these? Yeah, how hard can it be? Right, right, right, right.
Got it.
I liked his way better.
You know, Adams is a really great hunter.
Maybe she could give you a few pointers.
Does he strike you as the type of man that likes to have a woman explain things to him? I don't mind, if the woman has the proper credentials.
You want credentials? I was Miss Pulaski County, 19 [MUMBLES.]
And my talent was hitting ten bull's-eyes in a row while singing "America the Beautiful" in an evening gown.
Oh, beautiful For spacious skies What are you doing? Uh, singing helps me focus.
For amber waves of grain [SINGS HIGHER.]
Grain [SINGS HIGHER.]
Grain That's what I'm singing No, it's not, you're flat And never question my perfect pitch Go fuck yourself [TRUCK DOOR CLOSES.]
Time to head out, son.
You're entering these woods a boy and coming out a man just like Mulan.
Uncle Dwayne, I think Boone found a truffle! Well, I got my truffle shovel right here.
Hey, Cash, hey! Stop messing around.
Deer hunting is serious business.
Step one We mask our scent with deer urine.
The trick is to spray it into the air and just walk through the cloud.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah, that's nature's cologne.
[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
So here's a fun one.
What is your least favorite album from your favorite band? Shh, shh, shh.
You'll scare off the deer.
It's not sound that scares them off, it's scent.
Mine is "Dig In Deep" by Miss Bonnie Raitt.
Let's hope they don't catch a whiff of your overpowering male arrogance.
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]
- Stand down, Cochran.
This one's mine.
[SUSPENSEFUL FOLK MUSIC.]
Oh, beautiful For spacious skies [CHANGING PITCH.]
Sky sky sky sky Oh! Damn it! - You got in my head.
- Well, obviously not.
If I was in your head, you would've known how to hit that C-sharp.
Yeah, boy.
What a beaut.
All right, son.
This is your moment.
Pull it back and let it rip.
Or as our neighbor Big Pat says about our Christmas lights in April take 'er down.
I can't do it.
Huh? What? Why not? Like Uncle Dwayne said, why would you kill a beautiful animal? Because the ugly ones don't taste as good.
But it's not fun to hurt a living creature.
And Uncle Dwayne said the only thing a truffle hurts is your wallet when you're trying to impress a date.
[CHUCKLES.]
I did say that.
That's a fun one.
What the hell, man? I merely explained the benefits of gathering versus hunting.
There's three things every man should know How to hunt, how to make a fire, and how to pretend he didn't notice a Whitney Houston song just came on.
You think a boy like Cash is ready to process "I Will Always Love You"? Just living my truth.
But I'm sorry if that interferes with what you're trying to teach your boy.
You're setting a bad example for Cash.
Cash? Cash? Hey! Cash! [WHISTLES.]
I know I say this a lot, but Ginny's not gonna like this.
First the choir, now hunting? Congratulations, you've ruined two things I love.
Come on, give me a third.
I'll go for the hat trick.
Okay, I'm sensing a lot of mutual respect here.
I'm gonna go retrieve my arrow.
And when I get back, I want you gone! [LAUGHS.]
You can't make me go! - You don't own the woods.
- Uh just everything the light touches and the mineral rights below it.
Yeah, I own the woods.
[GRUNTS, YELPING.]
[SHOUTS.]
Oh, look, a Yankee piñata.
And it's filled with crushed nuts.
You know, on the way home we could swing by Arthur's.
It's never too late to mend fences.
I am not apologizing.
That man ruined my streak.
I have bagged a buck on opening day every year since 19 [MUMBLES.]
Wait.
What's Arthur's car still doing here? He left an hour ago.
Damn it.
That big-city bastard went and got himself lost.
[SIGHS.]
Arthur! [SARCASTICALLY.]
Arthur.
- Arthur! - Arthur? Don't shoot! I'm not a deer.
I'm a choral conductor.
I'm just a little lost.
But I-I have friends nearby.
Over here.
Thank God! I was unceremoniously dismissed from the deer stand.
I'm trying to get back to the cars.
You know where they are? I have no idea.
You're lost, too? Well, Reverend Jax says you're never lost if you have God in your heart.
- So we're lost.
- Yeah.
- Cash! - Cash, hey! Where are you, son? Come on, buddy! Cash! Damn it! You ruined my first hunting trip with my son.
I'm his dad.
I'm supposed to be the one teaching him how to be a man! But there are many ways to express your masculinity.
Like my fist in your face.
Let's go.
Come on.
Huh? Playground rules No pantsing, no wedgies, no purple nurples.
All right? Now get on your knees so it's a fair fight.
Come on! [GRUNTING.]
Can we stop? I'm tired.
Uh, why not? By the way, how did you get lost? I thought you were with your dad.
I was, but I left when Uncle Dwayne and him got in a fight.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can guess who won that one.
I also got in a fight today with Adams.
- I can guess who won that one.
- Actually, she did.
Yeah.
That was my guess.
What? She's tough.
I've never had a singer I couldn't get to fall in line.
Do you want me to put in a good word for you? These dimples buy a lot of goodwill.
Nah.
Maybe.
Arthur! Arthur! - We got to find him.
- Do we? A night in the woods changes a man, and God knows he can't get any worse.
Okay.
Now, I say this with love and a little bit of fear, but the way you've been acting lately, you should be on the cover of "Bluegrass Bitch" magazine! [GASPS.]
Excuse you? And excuse me for trying to protect you from a disrespectful blowhard who only cares about himself.
Now, that's not true.
He's real good with Cash.
Of course he is! Only a monster could resist those dimples.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well And I know you were taking a shot at me, but I think there could be a real market for "Bluegrass Bitch.
" Merchandise.
Ball caps, theme song.
Arthur! Come on, man.
You're not mad at me.
You mad at that prison that is toxic masculinity.
[VOICE CRACKS.]
Shut up! Your gentle-giant mumbo-jumbo is no match for my crazed adrenaline strength.
[SCREAMS.]
[UP-TEMPO BLUEGRASS MUSIC.]
What was that? I took an online course in aikido, the Japanese art of self-defense.
I learned how to blend with your attack [GRUNTS.]
And contain your macho energy.
[GURGLES AND SHOUTS.]
- Feels good, doesn't it? - No! They say for happiness, a person needs about 12 hugs a day, mm-hmm.
Really? No! I will not give in to your strong, reassuring warmth.
[STRAINING.]
[MOANS.]
There it is.
Man [PANTS.]
I just wanted this trip to go well.
[PANTS.]
I already failed Ginny as a husband.
I can't fail Cash, too.
You know, I don't have kids of my own, but I know that being great dad means allowing your children to follow their own path.
You know who I learned that from? Mr.
Rogers? - You.
- Yeah? You know, my dad never got me.
Always picked on me because I wouldn't hunt, play football, or fight.
You were the only person who accepted me.
[SOFT FOLK MUSIC.]
And I know you can do the same for Cash.
Thanks, man.
Anytime, buddy.
Guys? What's going on? Progress, Ginny.
Progress.
Where's Cash? Oh, yeah, uh, well, we kind of lost him, - but, uh, we searched all over - You lost Cash? What the crap, Wayne? Cash! - Cash! - Cash! Cash! Yep, I told you she wasn't going to like that.
Yeah, at least it'll be easier than that time you lost him in a corn maze.
Yeah, that was a long Labor Day weekend.
Maybe this is a sign I should move back to New York.
At least there, somebody would've found us and mugged us by now.
Hey, Huckleberry Finn.
Careful where you're poking your stick.
There might be something living in there.
Yeah, like a truffle! Uh, truffles don't move, do they? Cash, get back! It might be a snake! Oh.
Oh.
- Cash! - Come on out, buddy! Cash! - Cash! - Cash! [DISTANT HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.]
Oh, my God, Cash! Honey, are you okay? Yeah, we heard a scream.
That wasn't me.
[HIGH-PITCHED YELPING.]
Yeah, look who's the soprano now.
It's called a head voice.
I was poking my stick at an animal, and it got mad, but Arthur protected me.
What kind of an Oh, good Lord, that's a skunk.
Ooh, let's get the H-E double-hockey-sticks out of here.
It got me in the in the eyes.
It's not as bad as it seems.
It's just an oily compound they spray from their anal glands.
Which what? [LAID-BACK FOLK MUSIC.]
Oh, how's that stew coming? I'm sorry no one killed a deer today.
Actually, I love deer, and I don't wish to see them harmed, so in the words of the great Demi Lovato, "Sorry, not sorry.
" The men are back from hunting - Ooh.
- And we bring you BOTH: Mushrooms! Which aren't as fancy as truffles, but they're easier to find.
- I am so proud of you, baby! - That boy's a natural.
Hey, Ginny, get a picture.
I want to commemorate our first hunt together.
Oh, first of many, I bet.
- Say "truffles.
" - BOTH: Truffles! All right, Dwayne.
Clean 'em up, and let's throw 'em in that stew.
Uh, okay.
Edible poisonous extremely hallucinogenic.
Okay [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]
You know, I've performed baptisms in that tub, and tomato juice is mostly water, - so if you wanted to convert - Get away from me.
Not the right time.
I completely understand.
Are you here to gloat? No, I'm bringing a peace offering.
Vodka to go with your tomato juice.
I call it a "Bloody Arthur.
" Feels like gloating.
I still think you're arrogant and rude, unnecessarily pretentious, couldn't hit a deer with your car.
I'm waiting for a "but.
" You're always interrupting people.
However you're good for Cash, and who knows? Maybe you'll be good for the rest of us, too.
So, from now on, I will allow you to lead the choir.
Because I am the choir leader? Because I allowed it.
Deal.
The vittles are ready! "Vittles" is a Southern word for "food.
" Yeah, I've seen "The Beverly Hillbillies.
" Or as my missionary parents called it, "You Think They're Rich, You Should See The Mansions In Heaven.
" [GROANS.]
Needs olives.
I see a couple of little olives right there.
[UPBEAT BLUEGRASS MUSIC.]
You wish.