Perfect Harmony (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Any Given Monday

1 You're sleeping with a senator? Getting plastic surgery someplace weird nobody cares about, like your toes.
A high-stakes spelling bee where if you don't win, - you're killed? - What's happening? Adams is going somewhere tomorrow, and she won't tell us why.
Ooh, what if it's something nice? I hope it's something nice.
You need to respect her privacy.
Thank you.
Is what I was going to say until I thought of this great guess.
You're cloning yourself so you can marry yourself? Arthur is the closest so far.
What? So obvious.
Of course you're doing that.
- I knew that.
- Told you, man.
Hey, do you mind if I do my laundry here? Arthur! How perfect.
I needed someone to watch the church today.
I prayed about it, and here you are.
Wow, God really does work in totally obvious ways.
So I'll only be gone a couple of hours.
Well, it's Monday.
Why don't you just lock the door and leave a bucket of Bibles on the stoop? The church is the center of our community seven days a week.
Helping people never takes a break.
Please, I mean, it seems to me the church has a history of doing more harm than good.
Harm? Last year, our bake sale raised over $90 for tornado survivors.
What about that? What about the Crusades? Okay, one to one.
Okay, it's 12 to 12.
I'm counting all witch trials as one.
What a shock.
The church minimizing the experience of women.
And I am back up by one.
As much as I would like to continue listening to you belittle my life's work, I have to leave to drop a casserole by a parishioner's house, and then go help a friend, - so - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll watch the store for you, but I'm not praying with anyone or selling them false hope or telling them their crappy lives are part of "God's plan.
" Well, I guess you're the one He sent.
Unless Well, beggers can't be choosers.
At least this place comes with its own operator's manual.
Don't say The Bible.
If you're in trouble, just turn to any page, any paragraph, and you'll find some words of wisdom.
He shall also be unclean if he touches a corpse or anyone who has an emission Just stick to the second half.
11 letters.
Spanish Inquisition.
I can't believe I forgot to bring that up with Jax.
Reverend Jax? How can I help you, Baritone Guy whose name escapes me? It's Junior.
Is Reverend Jax here? I need to pray with him about something.
Well, today is your lucky day because I am in charge, and instead of just prayer, we are actually going to solve one of your problems by talking it out rationally.
What's your problem? I've been feeling a little down.
Maybe it's just a case of the Mondays.
Well, let's explore that.
Why do you dread Mondays? I'll bet it's the beginning of your work week.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
And I can see you're wearing orthopedic shoes, so you're probably on your feet all day, so by the time you get home, you're not only mentally, but physically exhausted.
- Yeah.
- And I can see by all the diamonds on your wedding band that you really care about your marriage, but again, by the time you get home, you're so drained that you can't be your best self, whom I've never met, but I'm sure is delightful.
- Man, you are good.
- Yeah.
I think you need a new job.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm great at this.
Hello? Oh, Dwayne.
I'm so glad I reached you.
I was supposed to be quickly dropping off food at Nazarita's, but she informed me she's on her death bed again.
I think she just wants someone to watch "This Is Us" with, but I can't take that chance.
Are you free right now? Sorry, Reverend Jax.
It's feeding time, and these little guys really do rely on me.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Leanne.
I was supposed to be doing a somewhat delicate favor for a friend.
I need someone I can trust.
- Are you busy? - I'm sorry.
I'm at an intervention.
- Excuse me? - Hold on.
Okay, Jayla, this is how your absence from TikTok has affected me.
Isn't that for Catholics only? That's pretty lucid for someone on their death bed.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, buddy.
I need a really big favor, but I need you to promise to be responsible and discreet.
You came to the right place.
Responsibility is my middle name.
Actually, it's Campbell.
Says here it's Anderson.
Sorry, Officer.
Gave you the wrong one.
Here we go.
Where's Reverend Jax? I am Reverend Jax today.
The secular version.
I don't think you can help me.
Anything a pastor can do, I can do better.
I should've sung that.
That's a baby.
Yeah, Reverend Jax babysits him when I have a job interview, so here's his bag with bottles and diapers and his favorite book.
That's a lot of diapers.
Oh, and he probably just pooped right when you took him.
He definitely didn't do it ten minutes ago.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah, Reverend Jax was supposed to pick her up, but he had an emergency, so he called me.
I was his first choice.
ID, please.
I had a better one, but cop took it away.
You know how that is.
Y'all didn't happen to clip off any toes, did you? No, this was a simple elective procedure.
But she's been heavily sedated, so she may not be her usual self.
Seriously? This motherfucker? Nope.
That's her usual self.
Ah, jeez, okay.
Let's be rational about this.
What shh.
What do you want? What do we got? "My First Bible.
" They start 'em young here.
Peek-a-boo! It's propaganda.
Are you kidding me? That's another point for Jax.
Where is Jax? Did you kill Jax? Oh, I hope not.
I really like that little dude.
Jax sent me, okay? Let's get you home now.
No, I have got this.
- All right.
- I got it.
Get me a chopper out of here and one anesthesia to go.
I've got some experience wrangling inebriates.
All right, well, I'm just gonna head back to my van.
You know, the one filled with hot dudes who aren't afraid of powerful women? They aren't afraid yet.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, Moses's beard is soothing for you, isn't it? Yeah, I got the real deal right here, and I'm not an imaginary person.
Hey, Arthur.
Whoa, you have a baby.
- Hello.
- That's fun.
Hi, Ginny.
What are you doing here on a Monday? Oh, you know, sometimes I just like to come and light a candle and pray for my grandma.
She's not dead.
She's just a really bad person.
So Jax called you and told you to check on me, didn't he? Only because he has no faith in you, which is saying something because he has faith in everybody.
I remember this age.
Such little feet.
- Yeah, you want to hold him? - Oh.
Now you know what you can do? I could just eat you up.
Why don't you give Jax a call? Tell him this is the only kind of babysitting you need to do.
Arthur, what are you doing here? Well, I could ask you the same thing.
Seriously, does nobody in this town have a job? We make soup for the volunteer firefighters every month.
Did you come to help out? No, I'm watching the place for Jax.
If Jax isn't here, does mean we can deviate from his recipe and maybe add meat? - No, we are not - Guys, it's one thing to let the church control your bedroom behavior, but don't let them tell you how to make soup.
Just do whatever you want.
Oh, God.
What are youths doing here? We're the youth group.
We meet once a week after school.
Reverend Jax sets up fun activities for us, like a Bible-themed escape room where we use teamwork and prayer - to help ourselves get out of the room.
- Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
Well, should we study scripture? I wouldn't.
But, hey, look, there's a computer machine.
The world is at our fingertips.
What are you guys interested in? Philosophy, "Canterbury Tales" Top 10 Gregorian chants? Could we Google heaven? Of course.
In about 15 or 20 minutes.
Lovers in love and the others run away Love hurts! Love scars! All right, well, that's not what we're hearing, so I'm just gonna turn this off.
I honestly cannot feel the drugs.
Did they not give me drugs? I will sue them.
What is this sash? Is it for a pageant? Yep, your talent was giving a bloody nose to a guy who was just trying to help you put on a seatbelt.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
My talent is producing the most eggs for a woman over ha-ha years old.
All right, we get it.
You own a factory farm, everyone's dream.
No, no, I went to the clinic to have my eggs frozen.
I mean, it's crazy.
I don't even know if I want to have kids.
All right, hold on, this is getting serious.
I don't like this.
Go back to the sash stuff, something about a pageant.
I just want to keep my options open.
Well, that was very personal, and I'm honored that you felt comfortable enough to tell me.
Usually I don't get this chatty with my limo driver.
Can you believe they tried to send Wayne to pick me up? All right, well, it was a nice moment while it lasted.
I'm gonna put the radio back on.
Hear what I want to You can take off if you want to.
Seem to have everything under control.
You changed his diaper, right? Yeah.
God, I do not miss that.
But watching a baby sleep, for one moment, all is right in the world.
What the hell did you tell my husband to make him act so crazy? Real quick, she's not in the choir, right? That's Junior's wife, Barb.
She's a drinker.
Ugh, that poor man.
He's always on the edge.
- All right, all right.
- Why are you trying to push him off? Okay, calm down.
Your husband came in here with a case of the Mondays.
I'm sure he didn't do anything drastic.
He's saying he wants to quit his job.
Would you like a drink? He says he's gonna move us to Tennessee.
Are people from Kentucky under the impression that other states are worse? Hey, Barb, don't worry.
Reverend Jax will be here soon, and he will help you.
No, we don't need Reverend Jax.
I will talk to your husband.
He should not be listening to you.
He should be listening to God.
No, he should be listening to you.
You seem like a strong woman who knows exactly what she wants, if your hair, makeup, and nail choices are any indication.
These colors never run.
No, they do not.
You need to show your husband who's boss.
And women have a very special secret weapon.
Don't they, Barb? - I like the way you think.
- Yeah.
I do, too.
Okay, youth group.
I am on a hot streak Oh, God.
Hey, don't take the Lord's name in vain.
You're looking at porn on a church computer.
Well, how else are we supposed to learn about this stuff? I asked my parents to give me a book about it, - and they gave me the Bible.
- Oh, jeez.
And then they took the lock off of my bedroom door.
Okay, let's approach this with science and reason instead of fear and shame.
What's the deal with nipple clamps? Uh parts of the body nerves cluster.
Give me I'm gonna just a little sustenance in communion wine.
So as you can see, guys, it's a lot more complicated than just third base.
Do you know the baby's name? I've been calling him Steve.
Oh, my God, Steve, look away.
What a weird place to pause.
Probably just looks familiar, though, to him.
But otherwise, we've been having an enlightening discussion of the rich tapestry that is human sexuality, haven't we, guys? You can't talk about that stuff.
Why not? I'm perfect.
If not me, who? Anyone but the weird guy in the scarf they just met.
Oh, please.
Guys, just because someone is in a church does not mean you have to listen to him.
That's another point for me.
Mama's home and she missed her babies.
Man I haven't been in a room this nice since I broke into the "Real World Lexington" house.
Karaoke machine.
- Karaoke machine.
- Yeah.
Love hurts! Love scars! Very good, but why don't we get you on your couch? I will lay down when I want to lay down.
Now get me one of my furs, and I'll be through with you.
Hmm, feels a little weird to leave you alone this wasted.
You got a lot of sharp corners and fragile-looking things.
Fine, but if I have to be wasted, so do you.
It's only fair.
Well don't have to twist my arm.
Is this glass? Well, la-di-da.
All right.
This day is turning out good.
Can you talk some sense into Karla? Yeah, sure, talking sense into people seems to be my thing today.
What's happening? She tried to hand me beef broth in a veggie broth can.
Sorry if I don't want to set the Guinness record for world's blandest soup.
Our ancestors were carnivores.
Could you take him? I don't know why he's crying.
I'm the one that got spit-up on my backup good bra.
And when I get that feeling I want sexual healing Hey, you think that song might be a little racy to be singing to a baby? You're the one that turned the youth group into a sex club.
You know what? You need to get into a city once in a while.
Babies don't understand words.
All they need is a soothing melody.
And there's nothing more soothing than the words of Marvin Gaye.
I'm hot just like an oven Oh, I am such a sucker for a man with a baby.
I bet Steve feels so safe in that velvet robe of a voice.
What the hell is going on with you? You know what, I'm allowed to have contradictory feelings.
No, I'm not.
Children need consistency.
How could I ever think about having another baby? You're thinking about having another baby? Cash just stopped holding my hand.
Oh, you like ham? Boom, Dwayne! Hey, come on.
Sorry, didn't see the baby.
Boom, Dwayne.
Oh, Karla, Karla, Karla.
You crossed the line, and now you will feel my culinary wrath in a way that will rattle your soul.
Hey, you're Jax today.
You gonna do something? I don't know how to be rational with people who are being irrational.
I don't know.
What would a good reverend do? Probably remind them why they're making the soup in the first place.
I'm gonna do the opposite of that.
Hey, knuckleheads.
Love hurts Sing, Wayne.
- Love scars - Ooh.
Love wounds And marks Any heart Not strong - Or strong - They don't hear you, Wayne.
Enough To take a lot of pain Take a lot of pain Okay, now for every ingredient that Karla puts in, Dwayne gets to put one in, too, so you're up.
Doesn't matter to me anymore because she's already put meat in the soup, so why not all of the salt? Come on.
I like salt, but not as much as I like cinnamon.
Come on, guys.
I'm young I'm young - I know - I know Okay, you know what, maybe we'll Oh, hello? Oh, I was hoping that was you.
Is that Jax? Please tell me you're on the way.
We need you really, really bad.
Wow, you're a narc.
We're doing great! Well, if nothing matters Something burning? Why don't I just throw my apron in the soup? No! Fire! We need a fire extinguisher.
Fire extinguisher.
Where's the fire extinguisher? My phone! Forget the soup! We need a fire extinguisher! Arthur! She pepper-sprayed me.
Yeah, well, he's the one who told me to use my special lady weapon.
You know what? I'm looking for a fire extinguisher.
Were you teaching our sons about sex? They're supposed to learn about that by watching a hard PG-13.
Look, situation happening.
I'm just looking for a fire extinguisher.
Shh! It's just a loud noise.
Do you want to hold my hand? All right, Lord.
Show me what you got.
They looked to the desert where the Lord appeared glorious in the clouds? Seriously? Hello, Arthur.
What the H did you do to my church? I feel like I been run over by a truck.
And I've been run over by a truck.
The last time I was this hung over was the day after my wedding.
We had a gas leak at the reception.
Oh, man, I can't believe it's still today.
I can't believe what you have to go through to freeze your eggs.
At least you're planning.
For me, I forget to wear a condom 16 times, and boom.
A baby.
Guess it's no wonder I wound up being such a lousy dad.
You are there for Cash.
You're in his life a lot.
And I know it can't be easy to be around Ginny after she broke your heart.
Thanks, Adams.
Always thought you kind of hated me.
Thought I was bad for Ginny, seeing as you said it to my face.
More than once.
You showed up when it counted.
When you're in need of Wayne Hawlings, he is there for you.
I was supposed to be a pallbearer an hour ago.
Oh, well.
Next time.
I feel like we're sitting outside the principal's office.
I never got called into the principal's office growing up.
But he did drive by my house an awful lot.
I understand your job is stressful, even if it is working in an ice cream shop.
And I understand you hate Tennessee, even though my great uncle's mansion is just sitting there empty.
Thank you for praying that out with me, everyone.
And, Barb, don't worry about the lamp.
I was planning on smashing that anyway.
Reverend Jax, would you please take the baby back? Not yet, and just remember, if you're not responsible, your whole life will be spent watching one of these.
Arthur, a word? Are you gonna gloat, Rev? Because you deserve it.
It was very impressive the way you put out those fires, including the literal one.
Don't thank me.
Thank the big guy.
George William Manby, inventor of the fire extinguisher.
Uh, guys? We've got 20 hungry firefighters coming, and nothing to feed them.
Well, I'm sure the Lord will provide.
I got this one, Rev.
Well, I helped the way the secular elites always do.
By being smug and starting a podcast? No, I gave money.
And everyone is so happy.
There you people are.
Where is my baby? Oops.
Perhaps we should've left a note.
Oh, Steve.
I'm psychic.
By the way, I got the job.
You're welcome.
You see? You did more than just give money.
You still think the church should've shut its doors? Rev, I don't believe in "the church," but I do believe in your church.
Oh, so Wayne was part of the secret adventure? Oh, you two missed out on a big day.
Karla and I made soup - That's how you're telling that story? - I'm not telling that story right.
Hey, where were you guys? Let them think what they want.
Your secret's safe with me.
I had my eggs frozen.
No further questions.
Thank you.
I can't have them thinking we hang out.
You understand? Sad part is I do.