Perfect Harmony (2019) s01e09 Episode Script


1 It is well With my soul Great Unintentionally modern, but we'll get back to it next week.
Oh, hold on.
We got one more song.
- Arthur - Arthur Arthur Arthur I hate barbershop quartets.
There's a turkey we've been carving For you So awkward.
And we thought You might be starving, too - Arthur - Please join us On Thanksgiving night My Brussels sprouts - Are out of sight - And it just keeps goes on.
Please RSVP Okay.
Very good.
That one, you rehearsed.
- Before you say no - No.
Okay, after you say no, we do a super fun progressive dinner where we do a different course at each other's houses.
Progressive and Kentucky go together about as well as C and a F sharp.
They're dissonant.
We also start the day by making meals to go for church members in need.
Is that progressive enough for you? That part I will do, but then I have to get home.
I have a date with a very special video that I have been tracking down for two months.
Yep, the world would be a better place if people just admit they watch porn.
- Wayne - What? No, no.
It is a rare bootleg recording of Sir Thomas Beecham's production of Mozart's "The Magic Flute.
" Oh, the old magic flute, huh? I never heard that one before.
Can we not? Hey, listen, you should not be alone on your first holiday without your wife.
I won't be alone.
I'll be with Sarastro and Papageno and Lafite Rothschild.
It's two characters from "The Magic Flute" and a Bordeaux blend.
Nobody likes this side of you.
All right.
Wow, Dwayne, spandex at church that's brave.
Arthur, the good Lord blessed me with the legs that fill out these tights.
Good to see you at the Turkey Trot.
Well, you know, I didn't mean to participate, but the one road in this town was shut down for the race, so I had to walk here.
I ended up winning my age group.
- The Seasoned Turkeys.
- Ooh.
Okay, let's divide these up and start making our deliveries.
All right, I will take this one to the widower who lives alone on the houseboat.
There's a widower lives alone on a houseboat? You guys should be friends.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
Hey, where is my bag? What bag? What'd it look like? You know, broken in, manly, a few cracks in the leather, like me.
Are you sure you brought it? 'Cause sometimes I think I brushed my teeth, and, well, I didn't.
Yeah, no, it was here ten seconds ago.
One of you must have taken it.
Excuse me.
Are you accusing us of stealing? Well, either one of you took it or it's the only thing in this town worth getting raptured.
- Oh.
- Okay, you know what? I think I saw it in my office.
Oh, good.
My computer's in there.
Oh, please.
Where is that bag? Okay, it's not in my office.
That was a trick.
Smiling at you was my tell.
Wait, I wanted to stop you before you went full TSA out there.
Actually, I've had a few things disappear too like my Princess Diana commemorative plate.
So there is a thief in our midst.
What is the etiquette on how long we have to wait before we say it's Wayne? - Now, Arth - Wait.
Wayne and Dwayne's house is a stop on this progressive dinner thing, right? Yeah, it's the first one, but please.
Don't let this ruin our Thanksgiving.
You can deal with it tomorrow.
Or I can toss Wayne's house like the crime scene that it is.
In the Bible, it says that we should Yada yada, be calm, blah-blah, slow to anger? Oh, yeah.
You've almost got James 1:19.
I'll lend you my Bible flash cards.
Who took my flash cards? Hey, everybody, I am so sorry for my outburst.
I got upset because my "Magic Flute" file was on my computer, but I can watch that anytime.
Tonight, this Seasoned Turkey is eating with you.
- Whoo! - All right, Arthur.
Good choice, buddy.
We're gonna fill you up.
- There you go.
- Hello, hello, hello.
This is my contractor, Karl, who'll be joining us today.
Ginny, Karl.
Karl, Ginny.
- Hi.
- You guys are both Libras and love Maroon 5 for some reason.
- Hey.
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
You too.
Would you excuse us for a second? You cannot set me up without a warning.
I'm not ready.
Somebody's got to be your first pancake.
Is that a sex thing? Because there are some things that I just will not do unless I am celebrating a birthday.
When you make pancakes, no matter how you heat the griddle, the first one is never quite right.
But you have to get it out of the way so you can move on.
Moving on does sound nice.
Stop obsessing over Dwayne and Wayne and go take a bite out of that.
First pancake.
I got this.
You do.
- Hello, Karl.
- Hey.
Would you excuse me for a second? I don't got this.
I'm gonna throw up.
First course Hot brown sliders.
Hot browns? Well, they look better than they sound.
Then again, they had to.
Typically, it's a turkey sandwich drizzled in Mornay sauce.
Yeah, my goat cheese is what makes 'em sing.
Ooh, yes please, main squeeze.
You got it, my little sweet potato pie.
- Mmm.
- Ooh, fun.
- Arthur - No, no.
Actually, I don't hate that.
Don't ever do that again.
I'm gonna go look for the computer.
Papageno, here I come.
- So Thanksgiving, huh? - Yeah.
Did you know that some people don't celebrate on account of what we did to the Native Americans Which I fully support, by the way The people, not what we did.
I wonder if I'm part Native American.
You know, I haven't done my 23 and Me yet 'cause I'm scared.
They say the FBI is collecting our DNA to clone us after the purge.
Huh, what's that? I'm sorry? Oh, yeah, I'll be right there.
Hey, so is that a set up? 'Cause he is cute.
You should let me help you.
I am so good at this stuff.
Look at me and Dwayne.
Isn't that sweet? He's saving a kiss for later even though you guys make out in public all the time.
Ugh, come on.
- Whoa.
- What are you doing? More importantly, what were you doing, big guy? Okay, I was young and broke, and an agent spotted me in the mall, and the next thing I know, I was on the cover of a Japanese romance novel.
What was it about? The title loosely translates to "Sex Horse.
" What are you doing snooping around in my things? - Uh - Who's snooping? Snooping's my thing.
Konnichiwa, Sei-Ba.
- Unexpected.
- Wait.
Do you think I stole your laptop? I think Wayne did.
Just cause I don't know how to manage money and I've yet to return Jax's Diana plate? - Yeah.
- You know, it's not just poor people who steal.
Could be some rich person doing it for a cheap thrill.
Think on that.
Dwayne, we're running out of toilet paper and going through those Chipotle napkins real quick.
- What is that? - Nothing.
What do you have? - Can I see it, please? What - Nothing, baby.
Wait, Dwayne, is that you as a sexy sex stallion? Actually, it's a sex horse.
Let me explain Shh.
Sex stallions don't talk.
Oh, my God.
- Get in here.
- Whoa! Just drop the book.
Maybe we should go.
So that happened.
I'm sorry.
I've always wanted to say that.
Do you think Adams might have stolen my laptop? You know, successful woman, has it all, just wants to feel something Like Winona Ryder You know, from that movie my missionary parents called, "Girls Named Heather Go to Hell Together.
" No, I don't believe it.
I look forward to destroying your faith in humanity.
We're going to Adams' house next, right? I can snoop around then.
- Maybe we should go now.
- Yeah.
Okay, guys, next stop.
Wow, this is great.
Please don't tell me there's squirrel brains in this.
Did you say brains or bowels? It's a Kentucky delicacy we call burgoo.
As they say, if it walked, crawled, or was hit by a Subaru, it goes in burgoo.
So basically, this is roadkill soup.
It's more of a roadkill bisque.
Hey, where's Georgia? She's not gonna miss the "Maaane" event, is she? She stopped at her cousins.
She'll be here soon.
Oh, good, because I didn't get to say "hay.
" That's A-Y, not E-Y.
You know, for a horse.
This is why I don't like people seeing that book.
Easy now.
You want a sugar cube? Huh? Big guy like you? I'll get you two.
How's it going with "Tryin' Gosling"? I think I forgot how to flirt.
I haven't dated since college.
Where all my friends went to college.
I didn't go to college.
What is the classic Kentucky mating ritual? Yodeling atop a mountain to indicate you're open to a courtin'? That is insulting.
But I will take the spirit of your advice and do something awesome to get his attention.
Get away from me, kid.
I don't wanna get caught again.
You know who never gets caught? A kid especially ones with dimples like these.
Okay, 10 bucks if you find my computer.
- 30.
- 15.
20 and I'll actually try.
If you get caught, you don't know me.
Beat it.
Hey, you need some help? How perceptive of you to notice.
I was just trying to get this candle from Oh-oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? - I'm okay.
I'm okay.
- Yeah, you sure? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- All right.
I'm great.
I'm good.
I'm fine I mean, I will be fine.
Well, took me a week to install that cabinet.
I guess I'll just start over.
But you're excited 'cause you love a good challenge? No.
Hey, what was that noise? The lady was flirting with me, fell off a shelf.
Ginny was flirting with you? Yeah, which is weird, 'cause I'm here as her best friend's date.
Well, that can't be, 'cause I'm not just her ex-husband.
I'm her best friend.
I'm here with Adams.
Oh, yeah.
That checks out.
- You okay? - Mm Yeah, there's just something crunchy floating around in there I'm gonna go home and check on the turkey.
And take more than the recommended dosage of Ibuprofen.
I'll see you in a bit.
Ah, ah! Here, here, here.
Let me give you a hand.
- Ooh, thanks.
- Oh, wow.
What happened here? Ginny hurt her knee And I just need a little help going home.
Oh, okay, well, don't take Dwayne away from his friends, I'ma drive you.
- Thanks.
- Oh, no, what'd you do? No, it just hurts when I put pressure on it right there.
- Well, stop doing it.
- Okay.
Cassius Clay Hawlings, are you snooping around in my cabinets? Well, I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.
You know boys and interior decorating.
Auntie Adams, the truth is The truth is, I'm just a child of a divorce and holidays can be tough on me.
Oh, sweetie.
Let's get you a cookie, and when you get older, Auntie Adams will introduce you to bourbon, and bourbon goes great with cookies.
You know, I think I know what your problem is.
You got bad romantic feng shui.
- Say what now? - Mm, yeah.
The objects in your home are blocking you from finding love.
Okay, step one.
Declutter to make room for new romance.
Hey, no! That's my plastic bag of plastic bags.
Step two, get rid of reminders of old relationships.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I earned this.
Hey, why are you so invested in helping me with my love life? - You want the truth? - Mm-hmm.
I think you and Dwayne are a little too close.
I would feel a lot better if you had your own relationship And if you washed your hands, 'cause you just reached into the trash.
Are you accusing me of trying to steal your man? The audacity.
I think you mean the accuracy.
And are you seriously not gonna wash your hands? - I mean, it's just gross.
- It will be a cold day in hell - Hello.
- Hello, everybody.
- Welcome.
- Hey, y'all.
Ooh, is this plastic bag of plastic bags up for grabs? - No.
- Yes.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Heya, good news.
Guess who's got two thumbs and full range of motion in her knee? - Everyone here? - Mm-hmm, and this girl.
Hey, guess who has two thumbs and likes your "this girl" bit.
Everybody here? No.
I'm pretty sure it's just me.
But I think you might be barking up the wrong tree with this guy.
Oh, please.
You think everybody's gay.
- True, and that's okay, but - You know what? Everybody's got an opinion on my love life, and I don't wanna hear it Especially from a guy who thinks that corn nuts are an aphrodisiac.
I mean, I'll send you some articles.
Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo, doo.
Hey, I was thinking, and it just doesn't seem right to be snooping in my own house for less than another $20.
Oh, you're robbing me blind.
Hey, did you steal my computer? I'm a hustler, not a thief.
Yeah? Why should I believe you? - Just give me your phone.
- What, so you can steal it, too? No, so I can use the "Find My Computer" app.
If you knew how to find my computer, why didn't you tell me earlier? Because I was hustling you.
Keep up, old man.
I can't tell if you're destined for juvie or the White House.
- Walk away.
- Hey.
Karl, are you leaving? Hey, uh, yeah.
Sorry, um Just been kind of a weird night, you know? I mean, you invited me here as your date and then completely ignored me all night.
And your friend Ginny won't stop flirting with me.
No offense.
She really sucks at it.
Wait, my date? I invited you here as Ginny's date.
I don't like Ginny.
I like you.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, I just figured I was too old for you.
I mean, I must be at least Years older than you.
Whatever age you are, it's perfect.
Now that's how you flirt.
Turkey's ready! - Where's Karl? - Oh, he just stepped outside.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, Ginny, listen.
I don't think he's a good match for you because Hey, just 'cause you're lonely on Thanksgiving doesn't mean you gotta ruin what I've got going on with Karl.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Okay.
- Wow, okay.
I thought you brought him for me.
- I thought so, too - Wait, so, Ginny's trying to steal someone else's man? - What a shocker.
- What? People stealing lovers and laptops.
This choir is suddenly a cornucopia of scandal and intrigue.
You really can't say cornucopia any other time of year.
Wait, are you just still accusing us of stealing your laptop? Yes.
What man is Ginny stealing? That doesn't sound like her.
Oh, and now you're taking her side.
Another shocker.
Who wants to make pinecone turkeys? - Now hold on a minute.
- I have a Gucci soup ladle.
Why would I steal your crappy old laptop? Hm, interesting.
He never said it was crappy or old.
Everything he owns is crappy and old.
It was an inference.
Yeah, well, I don't know what that means.
What is that? - Burning? - Oh, it's the smoke alarm? Ah! Maybe we should start with a prayer.
- Found it! - And ask God What the hell? Funny story.
I've got your laptop.
You stole my laptop.
I think it was more of a benign pastoral interference A BPI.
It was the only way to get you to join us today.
Could I have been more clear? All I wanted to do today was watch an opera, not be part of a soap opera.
Am I the handsome leading man or the handsome man's evil twin brother, Scott? You're in a coma.
I had no idea Karl was interested in me when I invited him.
You know I wouldn't do that to you.
I know.
And you did warn me about my first pancake.
I'm just startin' to wonder.
Maybe I'm no good at this.
Maybe all my pancakes are bad, you know Raw around the edges and all crunchy in the middle.
You're a catch.
You are smart and charming.
Didn't you tell me Georgia threw that in the trash? Oh, the alcohol sterilizes it.
Soap sterilizes it.
I'd tell you to go away, but it's clear you don't respect people's wishes.
I'm sorry I stole your laptop.
Actually, I prefer the term "took" instead of "stole.
" Sounds less like a sin.
I just didn't want you to be home alone today, but it's not my place to second guess what's best for you.
No, you were right.
I've been alone for 20 minutes, and I'm miserable, which was sort of my plan.
What do you mean? I was gonna stay home, watch an opera, get drunk, think about Jean.
And instead you feel guilty because you had fun with us.
Fun? Getting grifted by a kid, getting caught up in a love triangle, finding out that a member of your choir is a sex horse Yes, I did.
I had so much fun.
Well, from everything you've said about Jean, she seemed like a fun-loving person who would want you to live a joyful life.
Maybe the real way to honor Jean is by having a good time with us.
It's too bad that I left everyone.
Well, maybe it's not too late.
- They're all here, aren't they? - Caw caw! I thought I smelled Wayne.
- Surprise! - Hi! - Whoo! - All right.
Where are your plates, forks, and napkins? You mean my plate, my fork, and my shirt sleeve? We're eating with our hands, people.
Yes, we are.
Way ahead of you.
Fingers are the forks of the body.
You tried to tell me the truth earlier and I shut you down.
I'm sorry.
I'm your Waffle House.
You can never shut me down.
Thanks for having my back 24-7.
Hey, being alone on the holidays - can make a person crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
Here's to figuring it out together.
- Oh, wow.
- Hey.
Oh, where's Georgia? I hate leaving things on bad terms.
That's why I'm Facebook friends with that guy who sideswiped me.
Georgia decided to skip this course and our future together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
I guess she wasn't into stable relationships, so she put you out to pasture.
And there's also something about Mister Ed, but I haven't figured it out yet.
- Damn it.
- Okay, attention everyone.
It's time to join hands.
Come, come, come.
- Come on.
- Ooh - I'm grateful to God for his - Praise God Famously-lenient stance on fibbing.
And also for all of you.
I'm thankful to God 'cause now I have enough money to buy a new controller so I can play "Fortnite.
" And I'm grateful to have a son who's gonna share that new controller with me so I can play "Fortnite.
" I am grateful for good friends And that dating apps make it clear who is on a date with whom.
I'm grateful to God for being a provider of rough hands and strong backs, Lord.
I'm grateful I have good friends who can support me when I'm down Mr.
Sex Ed! Nailed it.
Well, I can't thank God because I don't believe in him, but I am grateful to have a friend like Reverend Jax who is stubborn, persistent, and knows what I need more than I do.
But don't take that as an invitation to steal anymore of my stuff, okay? Okay.
What did we just do? Oh, you know what we did.
Someone earned herself another mug.
Cash can never know about this.
Okay, but if you talk to Arthur, he's gonna learn about the magic flute.