Pointless Celebrities (2010) s11e10 Episode Script
Comedy
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome to this comedians edition of Pointless Celebrities.
This is the show where all the questions have been asked to 100 people before the show, and all our celebrities have to do is come up with the answers those 100 people couldn't think of.
Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.
And couple number one.
My name's Sara Pascoe.
I'm a comedian and a writer.
Rich Hall, comedian.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Couple number two.
Er, I'm Hal Cruttenden, comedian, writer, actor, former winner, and former loser in the first round.
I'm Zoe Lyons.
I'm a stand-up comedian and an actress.
APPLAUSE Couple number three.
Hello, my name's Rowland Rivron.
I'm a writer, performer and drummer.
My name's Simon Day.
I am a comedian and writer and actor.
APPLAUSE And finally, couple number four.
Hi, Xander, I'm Stephen K Amos.
I'm a comedian, writer, author, performer, presenter, and part-time life model.
And I am Jan Ravens, and I am an actress, comedian and impressionist.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much, all of you, a very warm welcome to Pointless.
It's lovely to have you here.
We'll get a chance to chat a little bit more throughout the show as it goes along.
So that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.
A runaway train whose next stop is supreme knowledge, via Ealing Broadway.
It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.
Hiya.
Hi, everybody.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening to you.
How are you? I'm very well, thank you.
Excellent.
I'm very glad to hear it.
Now, Hal's said already that he's a former winner, a former champion.
We've got two former champions on the show, though, because Sara Pascoe - also a champion.
There you go.
Both jackpot winners as well.
Yes.
Hal and Sara.
I would not want to be on podiums three or four right now, let me tell you.
Er, we've got some great questions.
Round One is fun.
Round Two, there will be sniggers, I'm afraid.
Smutty sniggers? Yeah, I think so.
Smutty sniggers, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I used to love his act, did you? LAUGHTER Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed Richard.
Pleasure.
Thank you.
Now, as usual, all of today's questions have been put to 100 people before the show.
Our contestants here are looking for those all-important pointless answers.
These are answers that none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those and we will add ã250 to the jackpot.
Now, as today's show is a celebrity special and each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity, we start off with a jackpot of ã2,500.
Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.
The only thing you have to remember is this - the pair with the highest score at the end of each round will be eliminated.
So just keep your scores as low as you can, and you'll be fine.
No conferring until we get to the head-to-head round.
Other than that, good luck.
Our first category today is Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever's going first please step up to the podium.
OK.
And our first question concerns Rich.
JAN: I love it already! Yes, on each board we're going to show you descriptions of seven films which have won the Best Picture Award at the Academy Awards, but we've described them in the form of a Japanese haiku poem.
Can you work out In Japanese? .
.
what the films are, please? In Ja Yes, in the original Japanese, yeah, which makes it slightly harder.
Thank you very much.
OK, let's reveal our board of haikus and here they are.
I'll read those all again.
Sara, welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you.
Good to have you here on this comedy special.
Yes.
Now, when you're performing Yep.
.
.
do you have a ritual before you go on stage? Do you have Are there things that you sort of have to do? No.
Not at all? No, nothing.
I think the danger of our job is, it can make you very superstitious.
If you start to rely on things, then one day you forget it, and you can't go on stage, so Oh, that's very freeing.
I don't even, like, wash my face.
I just I have noticed that before, actually! I'm glad you mention it.
But, yeah.
But it's weird, just nerves can make you Yes.
I find I get a bit OCD before I go on the stage.
Yes.
I find it really helpful to think that this is all a false construct and not really happening.
Hmm I suddenly feel much better.
Much better! Yeah, that's nice.
Let's do that for the rest of the show.
Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters, it really doesn't.
Oh, we could say anything! Er, Sara, which are the best picture winning films described by these haikus? I think I'm going to go for, "Man goes on a quiz show.
" And that's Slumdog Millionaire.
Slumdog Millionaire, says Sara.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Slumdog Millionaire.
It is right.
It's good.
Very good.
Look at that, nine.
Single figures, Sara.
Great start to the show.
That happened on this show, didn't it? With that vicar with the allotment, where we started with famous courgettes and books of the Bible.
Oh, it was incredible.
Amazing.
What a day he had.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Hal, welcome.
Hello.
Welcome.
Good to have you with us.
Nice to be here.
Hal, when you're playing live, performing live, do you find that your nerves are in proportion to the size of your audience? If you're playing a huge venue, do you get hugely nervous? I do, though I reach a stage beyond nerves and into a sort of numbness.
Don't you find that? SARA: So do your audience, Hal.
So do my audience! Hey! It's lovely, it's lovely to see you again.
I'm being very silly! Of course not.
He's such a good comedian.
No, but you do have that thing, you do that thing of, when you do the comedy gala thing, the O2, and you're doing I'd never done a crowd of 7,000 or 15,000, or whatever it was.
And you do reach a state of going, "This is so ridiculous, it's laughable.
" And you go on, and amazingly, the place was just on its feet.
So They loved me! Now, Hal, what would you like to go for? Which of the haikus, which of the Best Pictures? Um The one I don't know is the one I've seen.
I can't remember it! I'm going to go for Kramer Vs Kramer - "Parents separate, a father bonds with his son, "then must go to court.
" Kramer Vs Kramer, says Hal.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Kramer Vs Kramer.
It's right.
Now, nine is the only score we have so far.
Kramer Vs Kramer - 26.
APPLAUSE It's not bad, Hal.
Not bad at all.
Yeah, well played.
It's the prequel to Alien Vs Predator.
LAUGHTER Thanks very much indeed, Richard.
Simon, welcome back.
Hi.
Good to have you here.
Now, Simon, you're about to embark on a massive tour.
Yes.
Ooh, how many dates are you doing? Um I'm doing about 23 in all, so it's not that massive.
But it's far ranging.
It's far ranging, yes.
You're covering a lot of ground.
When you're writing a tour show, how long generally does it take you to put it together? Er, this took me about two months.
And do you do lots of try-outs all the time? I did five warm-ups, and pretty much, it was all reasonably OK, apart from a few things that didn't work at all.
And they're the bits you've kept in.
Yes! Er, now, Simon, what would you like to go for? I'm going to go modern, like Sara did, and I'm going to go for "The Church is accused of a massive cover-up," which is Spotlight.
Boston Globe.
Spotlight, says Simon.
Oh, that's good.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Spotlight.
It's right.
Well, 26 is our high score, nine is our low.
You've passed the high score.
You've passed the low score.
Three, very well done indeed Simon.
Well done! Yeah, a really recent winner, and a terrific film as well, but it's got one of those titles which no-one's ever going to remember.
Hey-ho, there we are.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Stephen, welcome back.
Thank you.
Good to have you.
Stephen, how did you get started in comedy? What was your first big break? I was studying law, and I thought, "What am I going to do? "I've finished my law degree, my parents want me to do law, "and I don't know what I want to do.
I want to travel.
" So at the time, a very well-known vacuum cleaner brand was doing an offer - I don't know if anyone remembers the offer - where if you bought said vacuum cleaner, you got two return tickets to America.
Bankrupted the company.
But I went to America.
And I met a woman in America who told me, "Oh, you're really funny, "have you thought of comedy?" And I thought, no, no, no.
And she convinced me to come and try and do it, and I did.
And the rest, as they say HE CHUCKLES .
.
Mm.
LAUGHTER Now, Stephen, this board is all yours if you wanted to go through all of those haikus, and tell us what the film titles are Well, start at the top, "Film adaptation of a musical version of Pygmalion," Erm, that was a play, wasn't it? Um "Anthony Hopkins enjoys" That must be Silence Of The Lambs, I'm guessing.
Yeah.
And "Two men running fast on the sand," could that be Oh! Some sort of racing thing, Chariots Of Fire, perhaps? I don't know.
No, you can't ask it like this! All of us are resisting the temptation to nod or shake our heads.
Which one would you like to go for, Stephen? Well, I think I'm going to have to go for probably the highest score, which I am absolutely Well, I think I'm confident about.
"The Jets and the Sharks," I think it might be West Side Story? West Side Story, says Stephen K Amos.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said West Side Story.
It's right.
It is West Side Story.
26 currently our high score, three currently our low.
34 for West Side Story.
Not bad.
The lead role in that was originally offered to Elvis.
No! Yeah.
Colonel Tom Parker said he couldn't do it.
Er, now, that top one, the musical version of Pygmalion, is My Fair Lady.
33 points for that.
The Anthony Hopkins one is Silence Of The Lambs, absolutely, 44 points.
And the two men running fast on sand, Chariots Of Fire.
And that would have scored you 29.
Oh! So the best answer on the board there, Simon, is Spotlight.
Well played.
Very good indeed.
Well, we're halfway through the round.
Let's take a look at those scores.
Simon, fantastic, three was the lowest score of the pass.
And nine is where we find Sara and Rich.
And then we got up to 26, where we find Zoe and Hal, and then 34, Stephen and Jan.
Not way ahead, but ahead.
So, Jan, you get the new board.
Find a lovely low scoring answer on it OK.
I'll try my best.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? OK, let's put seven more haikus up on the board and here they are.
We have got I'll read those all one last time.
Jan.
Hello.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
Now when you are doing an impression, what is the first thing you go for? I always, like, listen to voice first rather than watching a person, so I just listen to the vowel sounds and the consonants.
I mean, if you listen to the particular way people make sounds, like if you think of somebody like Jo Brand, if you think of Jo AS JO BRAND: .
.
the way her tongue touches, when her tongue touches the roof of her mouth behind her teeth, is that sort of looseness where the tongue does the Ds and the Ts.
And the Ss.
When you move on, to somebody like, if you think of Tess Daly AS TESS: .
.
Tess Daly like, her big wide grin, if I grin any wider, my head will fall off, you know.
So that voice is sort of going up through the cheekbones and out through the mouth.
NORMAL VOICE: So, yeah.
You sort of listen to the You know, listen to the vowels and consonants, and the tune, and then you look at pitch and tone and that's when you start looking at all their resonating chambers, and how they work.
Is there anyone you particularly like doing at the moment? AS THERESA MAY: Well, Theresa May has been quite good to me at the moment, because she's got that sort of diplophonic voice where she's sort of doing two voices at the same time.
Um APPLAUSE Can you do me? No.
OK.
Now, Jan.
Yes.
There you are on 34.
You're the high scorers.
You'll have to get a low score here.
Yes, I know.
The pressure's on, isn't it? And look, you've got a nice clean board there, so you can have first pick of anything you want.
Yeah.
Um, I'm going to take a risk.
I'm going to go for Birdman, "A washed-up actor once played a superhero, now takes to the stage.
" OK, you got a nod from Simon, which Have I? Well, that's good, because he did well on the last round, didn't he? Um, Birdman.
Birdman, says Jan.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said that.
There's no red line for you as you are the high scorers.
SHE WHISPERS: Thank God for that.
Oh, that's very good indeed.
Look at that.
Four.
Second lowest score of the round so far.
Just what you needed.
Takes your total up to 38.
Very well done.
So relieved! Yeah, terrific stuff so far in this round.
Sara, Simon and Jan all got single-digit answers, which doesn't always happen on Pointless Celebrities, does it? It doesn't.
No.
Er, Rowland, welcome back.
Hello.
Very good to have you with us.
Now, what came first, the drumming, the sort of presenting and acting? Er, the drumming, very much so.
In fact in this very studio, I performed with my school jazz orchestra when I was about 14.
I've seen the footage.
On Blue Peter.
On Blue Peter, yeah.
In this very I was just about there.
Aw! It's amazing.
Fantastic.
Now, Rowland, there you are on three.
You are the low scorers at this point.
The high scorers are just behind you on 38.
If you can score 34 or less Right.
.
.
you are still in the game at the end of the round.
If they've seen this film, they would have seen it on a Sunday afternoon, and I don't think it's been on for a while.
So I'm going with thousands of extras and Ben Hur.
Ben Hur, says Rowland.
Here is your red line.
If you get below this red line with Ben Hur, you are into round two.
How many of our 100 people said Ben Hur? You've done it.
Oh, look at that.
Just done it! You needed 34.
You got 33.
36 is your total.
Well played, Rowland.
In the famous chariot race scene, in that film, that's also shot in this studio.
So that was just about there.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Er, Zoe.
Hi.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you.
Comedy these days is now sort of It's so international, live comedy.
How far afield have you been with your live show? Oh, er Well, New Zealand.
That's probably Well, that's as far as you can go really, isn't it? I think it probably is.
Then you start coming back on yourself.
So, yes.
I've been to New Zealand a few times.
And how does that work? Do you take exactly the same material, do the same? Well, you fly there, Xander Yes, yes, yes.
You can try and walk, but it is a long journey.
Yes.
You have to I always find, when you're doing international gigs, there's those two or three first shows that you're doing when you're finding out those words that don't land in the country that you're in.
I've gigged in India before, and I used to have this routine about a trouser press, of all things, and none of them had any idea what it was.
And then I realised they were quite a wealthy Indian audience, and they didn't understand what a trouser They have somebody to do their ironing for them.
So it took ages.
I was like, "Why isn't that getting a laugh? "It always gets a laugh.
" It's exactly the same with Xander.
You can see that, he's going, "What is?" No, no clue.
No clue.
So it's nice, you have to sort of find your way, and then little words that don't quite hit, you know.
Er, now, Zoe.
26 is where you are.
38 is the high score.
A score of 11 or less is what we need from you here.
Oh! I'm going to go classic.
I'm going to go "Morocco romance gets harder as time goes by, "Sam plays it again.
" It's Casablanca.
Casablanca says Zoe.
Here is your red line.
Looks quite low.
You've got to get below that with Casablanca.
Let's see if Zoe can do it.
How many people said it? Oh! 37 for Casablanca.
Takes your total up to 63.
Yes, and of course the line "Play it again, Sam" doesn't appear in the film.
No.
Famously misquoted.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Rich.
Yes.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you very much.
How much time in your year do you spend over here in the UK? About half the year.
Why did you come over here? You had a great career in the States.
What was it that attracted you about the UK comedy scene? I had some botched plastic surgery.
So I just came over here to ride it out.
OK.
Ride it out.
Till I got my looks back.
Which six months do you, do you choose to spend? Ah, well, summer, I generally spend in Montana.
And then, you know, try to fit in a few other trips there.
Very good indeed.
Yeah, it's Montana.
Yeah, you guys can laugh, you're out! LAUGHTER Rich, you're on nine.
If you can score 53 or less with this, you go through to the next round.
Right.
Talk us through all those unanswered haikus.
Do you want to fill in the blanks? Er, Rocky.
Godfather.
American Beauty, and I'm not sure about the last one.
I think it might be The Pianist, butI'm pretty sure it's not.
Judging from the I got something off the audience that just told me I'm going to go with American Beauty.
American Beauty.
"Rose petals falling.
" Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said American Beauty.
There's your red line, Rich.
Below that, you're through to round two.
There we are.
Done it.
American Beauty scoring 18.
Very well done indeed.
That takes your total up to 27.
Well played, Rich.
You took us through the board very nicely there, up to a point.
Rocky, you are right about.
Rocky would have seen you through, 25 points for that.
The Godfather, of course.
The highest scorer on the board with 41.
And may I commend Sara Pascoe, because when you said The Pianist and you almost went for it Honestly, someone who's less competitive I think might have given you a clue they thought it was a bad idea by almost doubling up and collapsing to the floor, but Sara was very, very straight-faced.
Just absolutely kept it together.
Um It's The Artist.
The Artist is the answer there.
And would have scored you five points.
Whoa, come on! That's almost The Pianist! Yes, up to a point it is.
Up to point it is.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
So, at the end of our first-round, the pair who are heading home with their high score of 63, Zoe and Hal, I'm afraid it's you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Hal.
No, it's my fault as well.
We'll have a fight backstage.
I give off a massive loser vibe.
Zoe and Hal, it's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much for playing.
Zoe and Hal, everyone.
APPLAUSE But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.
And look at that.
Suddenly we're down to three pairs.
At the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.
Best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two this evening is Good at that.
It's a words round.
Can you all decide in your pairs, who's going to go first, who's going to go second? Can whoever's going first please step up to the podium? OK.
Let's find out what the question is.
Here it comes.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many words LAUGHING: .
.
ending in .
.
in O-C-K as they could.
Words ending O-C-K, Richard.
Nothing funny about that! Yeah, we're looking for any word which has its own entry in the British and World English section of oxforddictionaries.
com, please, that ends O-C-K.
As always, no proper nouns.
Very, very best of luck.
OK, thank you very much, thank you.
Rich? Er, shuttlecock.
Shuttlecock.
Shuttlecock, says Rich.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for shuttlecock.
Look at that, down to three! Very well done indeed.
Well done! Three for shuttlecock.
Very well played, Rich.
They say it's the fastest-moving projectile in any game.
They say it.
Really?! I don't believe that, though.
Why? They say it is.
How can it be? What do you mean? Well, it goes faster than all the others.
The shuttlecock's got lots of Faster than a tennis ball, faster than a table tennis Really? Yeah.
I would not have thought that.
Well, I'm telling you.
Thank you very much.
Rowland.
Words ending O-C-K.
Yeah.
Coming from an OCD person! Um, I don't really know how to say the word, but if I say it you could just sort of, you know, help me along, can't you? As long as you can spell it and it ends O-CK.
Eh? If you can't spell it or say it then we're going to be in difficulty.
Spatchcock.
Spatchcock.
Yes.
Says Rowland.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for spatchcock.
It's right.
Look at that, down to one, very well done indeed.
One for spatchcock.
Very good.
Very, very nicely done.
Also sounds like a rude word, but isn't, which is great.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Stephen.
We come to you.
Words ending in ock.
I'm going to go for .
.
warlock.
FAINT MURMURING Warlock.
Oh, is that a word? Did you That was a hum of appreciation from our audience.
Was it? Yes.
The studio crowd.
I couldn't tell, I'm so nervous.
Warlock.
Yeah.
OK, let's see how many of our 100 people said warlock.
Oh, look at that! Two for Warlock.
Very well done indeed.
Two, Stephen.
I love the way this is now exactly like an Olympic podium, isn't it? One, two, three.
How nice is that? Ah! Delightful.
Hey, you know what? Great scoring there, everybody.
Thank you, Richard.
We're halfway through the round.
Let's take a quick look at those scores.
One, Rowland, one, the best score of the pass.
Very well done.
Rowland and Simon looking very, very strong.
Two is where we find Stephen and Jan, and then three is where we find Rich and Sara.
I mean, really, you aren't that far ahead, Sara, but we need a low score from you, all the same, just to redress the balance and keep you with us at the end of the round.
Good luck with that.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? OK, Jan, remember we are looking for words ending in O-C-K.
Well, I'm going to take a risk.
I'm going to go for fetlock.
Oh, fetlock.
Ideally, you'd be scoring a pointless answer here to avoid becoming joint high scorers or high scorers.
Yes.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said fetlock.
Look at that! It's a pointless answer! It's exactly what you needed.
That, Jan adds ã250 to the jackpot, takes today's total up to ã2,750.
And it scores you nothing, leaves you on two, and means you are in the head-to-head.
Amazing stuff.
Yeah, fetlock is part of a horse's leg.
That's a terrific answer, Jan, well played.
Look at this now! Look at the scores.
I wouldn't want to be Simon or Sara right about now.
That is a lot of pressure.
Thanks very much indeed.
Simon.
Simon.
Cassock.
Wow.
Cassock.
Cassock, says Simon.
C-A-S-S-O-C-K.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brilliant.
Let's find out.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said cassock.
Here is your red line.
You ideally want to score one.
One or less.
Mmm.
HE CHUCKLES It's another pointless answer! Look at that, Simon! And, being a pointless answer, it adds another ã250 to today's jackpot.
Takes the total up to ã3,000.
Scores you nothing and leaves your total at one.
Yeah, cassock.
It's a cloak worn by various religious people, or religious horses, over the fetlock.
Thank you very much, Richard.
Oh, Sara, I'm afraid that means you will be leaving us at the end of this round.
But anyway, not until you've had a You're going to make me have a go anyway? Yeah.
I was going to go with defrock, again, with a religious thing.
Defrock.
Yeah.
Defrock.
Yeah.
OK, well, there's no red line, I'm afraid, for you.
Because we're going home.
Because you're the high scorers already.
But defrock sounds brilliant.
Let's see if it is brilliant.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said defrock.
It's right.
At least it's right.
Oh! Two! Two for defrock.
Five! Oh, five! Takes your total up to five.
I mean, that's an amazing round from everybody there.
Yeah, defrock.
It's the German version of The Clothes Show.
Um But look at that.
Eight points between six answers.
A huge round of applause for everybody there.
That's enormously impressive.
Um Now, there's some good pointless answers, actually.
There's ones that people will definitely have got.
Let's take a look at a few of them.
Airlock is a pointless answer.
Bedsock, forelock would have been a good one.
Well done if you said any of these.
Headlock.
Oh! Plock.
Do you know what plock is? No.
That's that sort of sound you make when you go Is it? Is it? That's a word? It's a plock, yeah.
How about that? It's a great word.
It's really onomatopoeic, isn't it? Poppycock, roadblock, sunblock, wazzock.
Lovely.
Wazzock! Wazzock.
How about that? Loads of pointless answers you could have had - electroshock, doorknock is one word, billycock, alpenstock would have been a nice one.
Haycock, all sorts of pointless answers there.
Shall we take a look at the top three, the ones that most of our 100 people said? Yes.
Dock would have scored you 73.
Lock 77.
And clock 78.
That is good.
Thank you very much, Richard.
So at the end of our second round, the pair we have to say goodbye to, with a high score of five, I can't believe it.
Sara and Rich, you played so well.
That's a brilliant score.
Um, but there we are.
They just scored better.
Thank you so much for coming to play.
Come and play again, please.
Always a joy to have you here.
Thank you so much.
Sara and Rich, brilliant.
Thank you.
Good luck.
But for Jan and Stephen, Simon and Rowland, it's now time for our head-to-head.
Congratulations, Simon and Rowland, Jan and Stephen, you are now one step closer to the final and a chance to play for our jackpot, which currently stands at ã3,000.
There we are.
But this is where we decide who goes through to the final to play for that jackpot and we do it by making you go head-to-head.
But the big difference is, you are now allowed to confer before you give your answers.
You can start playing as a team.
And the first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.
Well, very, very well done, you've knocked off our two jackpot winners.
How about that? Exactly.
Can I confer with Richard? No.
But, listen, it's also very fitting, because you're the only two pairs that scored pointless answers.
That's how the game works! So very, very best of luck to both pairs.
Let's play the head-to-head.
OK.
Here comes your first question and it concerns Richard.
We're going to show you five pictures now of famous people, all of whom have names which feature in the Lou Bega song, Mambo No.
5.
You just need to tell us who these people are, please.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, let's reveal our five people who share their names with people from Mambo No.
5.
And they are There we are.
Five people whose names feature in the song Mambo No.
5.
Simon and Rowland, you've been our low scorers, so you get to go first.
Brilliant.
Good.
So I think I know who E is.
What, "he"? E! E! E.
Um, I'm going to go for it.
Oh, jeez.
OK.
Is it Monica Seles? OK, so E, Monica, say Simon and Rowland.
God, I hope it is.
Monica.
Now, then, Jan and Stephen, talk us through that board.
A is Sandra Bullock.
Yeah.
Tina Turner.
Jessica Ennis-Hill.
And C is either Erica Jong or Andrea Dworkin.
It's some sort of feminist writer.
I'm going to say Erica Jong for C.
SIMON: Good work! Erica Jong.
Erica Jong.
So we have Monica Seles and Erica Jong.
Done.
So Simon and Rowland went for Monica, little bit of Monica, and E.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Monica.
It's right.
It's in the song a lot.
Oh, that's good, look at that.
Nine, very well done indeed.
Well done.
I thought it was Gayle Hunnicut! Jan and Stephen have said that C is Erica Jong.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Erica Jong or "Gzhong".
Well done.
It is.
Yeah, you've got it! Erica Jong.
Look at that.
Look at that.
And it's a pointless answer! Very well done indeed, Jan.
That adds another ã250 to today's jackpot, takes the total up to ã3,250.
It scores you nothing.
It wins you the point.
It means after our first question, you are up 1-0, Jan and Stephen, very well done indeed.
Also, can I just say, in Round One, we saw the best answers on every round possible, on Round Two we did and now we've seen it again.
Gents, that was the second best answer on the board, Monica Seles.
So the best two answers we possibly could have had.
We know who the others are.
Sandra Bullock, there, would have scored you 33.
Tina Turner would have scored you 60.
And Jessica Ennis-Hill would have scored you 39.
There we are.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Here comes your second question.
Now then, Jan and Stephen, you get to answer it first but Simon and Rowland, you have to win this one to stay in the game.
Footballers, please! Good luck.
The second question this evening concerns That's nice.
Going to show you five clues now to UK seaside resorts.
You just have to name the most obscure of these, please.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, let's reveal our five clues.
And here they come.
We have got I'll read those all again.
There you are.
Jan and Stephen will go first.
What's the end one? Newquay? It's just a question of which the fewest people would know, which I think might be the second one.
The second one, I do agree, yes.
OK, so we'll go for the second one which is Llandudno.
Llandudno, say Jan and Stephen.
Now, Simon and Rowland.
It's over to you.
Could we have our coats, please? The resort where the first Butlins holiday camp opened was also the town that Erica Jong was born in.
LAUGHTER I don't know where that is.
I think we've got, we've got Weston-Super-Mare for John Cleese.
Blackpool for Newquay.
.
.
for Red Rum.
Newquay for Fistral.
Oh, it's not Skegness, is it? Oh, yeah! Shall we go for Skegness? But we don't know.
Oh! Newquay or Skegness? What do you reckon? Well, I don't know.
Skegness, I don't, I can't remember there being a Butlins We're going to go for Newquay cos we're not sure about Skegness.
But then we're going to lose anyway.
Let's go Newquay.
You're going to go for Newquay.
So we have Llandudno and we have Newquay.
Jan and Stephen have gone for Llandudno.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said that for Great Orme and Little Orme.
It's right.
30.
Ooh! 30 for Llandudno.
Simon and Rowland have gone for Newquay.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Newquay.
It's right.
Ooh, 41 for Newquay! Very, very well done, Jan and Stephen.
That means, after two questions, you are straight through to the final, 2-0.
It won't surprise you to learn, once again, those are the best two answers on the board.
So very well done.
It was Skegness.
Would have scored you more than Newquay.
Really? Yeah, would have scored you 47 points.
I'm really surprised.
Blackpool would have scored you 85 points.
And Weston-Super-Mare would have scored you 57.
How did he turn on the lights? Red Rum? Was it his fetlock? Thanks very much indeed, Richard.
So the pair leaving us at the end of the head-to-head round, I'm sorry to say, Simon and Rowland, it's you.
You were our low-scoring pair coming into this round, all looking fantastic.
Yeah.
Hang on, we're low scoring and we lose? I mean, there's a flaw in this game, isn't there? In the World Cup, they'd let us back in! You're runners up.
You're runners up.
You haven't lost.
Oh, right, yeah, no-one loses, no.
Yeah, you're runners-up but you have played so well today.
Next time you come on, you'll be taking a trophy home, I'm absolutely sure of it.
Yeah, because we know where you keep them! Simon and Rowland, thank you very much indeed for playing.
Thank you! But for Jan and Stephen, it's now time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Jan and Stephen, you've fought off all the competition and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot and at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at ã3,250.
I'm really struggling to remember a celebrity version of this show where people have covered themselves in as much glory as you have.
It's been amazing.
Really? Amazing.
Yeah.
Wow.
You have contributed more than anyone else to that jackpot and here you are, playing for it for your charities, which is marvellous.
So very, very best of luck.
Now as always, you get to choose your category for this round.
Right.
We put four on the board, and you just have to hope there's something up there that doesn't send you running to the hills.
OK.
Today's choices are Well, I'll go out on a limb and just go Geography Sevens, not really my thing.
No, not really my thing either.
I can barely find my way home.
Yeah.
Elizabeth I No.
Monarchy, not a strong suit for me.
OK.
But it could be, like, actors.
Crime drama possibly? Yeah.
Or pop music.
I'll leave it to you.
Shall I leave it to you? No! Let's be honest, you've had a really good winning streak and clearly I'm your good luck charm.
You are.
So But the pop music can span decades.
But there's a lot of good crime dramas that I like.
OK.
Oh! But it's up to you.
Um OK.
I think we should go for pop music.
OK, pop music.
HE GROANS OK.
Consumable Pop Music it is.
Richard.
Quickly, quickly, before they change their minds.
Here are your three questions.
We are looking for any act who've ever had a top 100 UK hit single, at the end of September 2017 with the word coffee in its title Oh Mm-hm.
.
.
with the word honey in its title, or with the word chocolate in its title.
So any UK top 100 hit up to the end of September 2017, any act who've had a hit song with a song with either coffee, honey, or chocolate in its title.
Very, very best of luck.
OK.
Now as always you've got up to one minute to come up with three answers.
And all you need to win that jackpot for your charities is for just one of those answers to be pointless.
Are you ready? Yeah.
We're going to put 60 seconds up on the clock.
There they are.
Your time starts now.
OK.
Ercoffee.
Coffee, "You're the cream in my coffee," what's that? That's quite an old one, but I don't know who that was.
Coffee, coffee time, coffee cup.
I just kind of know Hot Chocolate, but that's not Hot Chocolate's the name of the group.
Yeah.
There is a band called The 1975 that had a song called Chocolate which was really good.
OK.
Single.
A few years ago.
So I think we should go for that one.
Honey, honey Honey and the honeycombs, that was a thing in the '60s, wasn't it? Oh, Honey, Bobby Goldsboro.
Who's that? Bobby Goldsboro.
It was "And, honey, I miss you, "and I'm being good" Alexander, you should sing it for him, I'm sure he'd! Er Is there coffee in No Ten seconds left.
OK.
Right.
This is a tough one, I have to be honest.
Coffee.
Honeybee.
I like my men like I like my coffee? That is your time up.
OK.
OK, let's have your three answers please.
OK.
The three answers are Honey by Bobby Goldsboro.
Bobby Goldsboro.
Yeah.
Chocolate by the 1975.
The 1975.
Yeah, great band.
AndThe Archies.
The Archies, for which one, for honey? Shall we do that? Yeah, yeah, I'm with you.
Stephen! Literally! Literally, I'm just with you.
LAUGHTER OK.
Of those three, which do you think is your best shot at a pointless answer? The 1975.
The 1975 we'll put last.
Least likely to be pointless? Um Did we say the Archies? Because that The Archies, we'll put The Archies first Might be actually not right.
And Bobby Goldsboro Bobby Goldsboro goes in the middle.
Let's put those answers up on the board in that order.
We have got Well, very, very best of luck.
Three good answers there.
Now if one of these turns out to be pointless and wins you that jackpot, which charities are you playing for? Jan? You first.
I'm playing for a charity called Changing Faces, who work with people with disfigurements with different kinds of faces and they work very much to help people sort of socially and psychologically, and also to raise awareness in the rest of us about, you know, how that ain't so bad if people look different.
And so it's a sort of consciousness raising and practical charity.
Very good indeed.
APPLAUSE Stephen? I'm supporting the Albert Kennedy Trust, which is a charity that looks after the interests of young, 16-25-year-old LGBTQ people, who either find themselves homeless or live in a hostile environment.
Very good indeed.
APPLAUSE Two excellent charities there.
Let's hope one of these answers will allow them to share the spoils of your hard work this evening.
OK.
Your first answer was The Archies.
In this case we were looking for any top 100 single with honey in its title.
You've gone for The Archies.
If it is pointless, it will win you ã3,250 for your charities.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said The Archies.
Oh, bad luck! Not The Archies.
We knew it wasn't the Archies.
We knew it wasn't.
Not a pointless answer.
So we move on to your second answer, which is Bobby Goldsboro.
We're now on terra firma here.
In this case we were looking for another top 100 single with honey in its title.
If our 100 people didn't go for Bobby Goldsboro but it is a correct answer, you will leave you with ã3,250 for your charities.
How many people said it? Bobby Goldsboro.
It's right.
Well, your first answer, The Archies, was incorrect, Bobby Goldsboro now taking us down through the teens, into single figures.
We're in single figures, down we go, still going Oh, three.
Not bad at all.
That's a great score.
Bobby Goldsboro scoring three.
Annoyingly, though, not a pointless answer.
So we have to move on to your third and final answer.
This was the one you thought was your best shot at a pointless answer.
The 1975.
In this case we were looking for top 100 singles with the word chocolate in their title.
If this is pointless, it will win you ã3,250.
How many people said The 1975? It's right.
Your first answer, the Archies, was incorrect.
The second answer, Bobby Goldsboro, took us all the way down to three.
We are now on the 1975, down we go into single figures Oh! Sticking at three! Two very, very good low scores there, but unfortunately you didn't manage to find that all-important pointless answer, so I'm afraid you do not win today's jackpot of ã3,250, however, as it is a celebrity special, and all of our celebrities are playing for a charity, we are going to donate ã500 to each celebrity pair for their respective charities.
Brilliant.
So there we are.
It's been fabulous having you on.
You have played so well.
And you get to take home a Pointless trophy, so very well done.
Richard.
Yes, a terrific performance.
Two three-point answers in that final round is great stuff.
It's really hard, those ones, when you're trying to remember songs, only having one minute.
Another minute might have helped you out.
Let's take a look and see if it would have done.
Coffee is the hardest one, I think.
We'll take a look at the pointless answers here.
Crash Test Dummies - Afternoons And Coffee Spoons.
Coffee Beats by Del Gado.
Mike & The Mechanics - Another Cup Of Coffee.
And simply Coffee by Supersister.
The only ones that scored any points at all were Blur - Coffee & TV - Squeeze, All Saints, Miguel, and Frank Sinatra.
Honey, there were more pointless answers here, lots of pointless answers Bay City Rollers - Money Honey.
Sunny Honey Girl by Cliff Richard.
Montell Jordan - Something For The Honeys.
Acker Bilk - A Taste Of Honey.
The scorers there - Billie, Honey To The Bee.
Bobby Goldsboro we've seen.
Mariah Carey, The Beach Boys and Shirley Bassey.
Everything else was a pointless answer.
And chocolate, let's take a look.
Bros had a hit with Chocolate Box.
People would have got that, I think.
Lenny Fontana.
Snow Patrol, one of their very early hits is simply called Chocolate.
Soul Control.
The only scorers there - The 1975 we saw.
Chef from South Park, Kylie Minogue, Deacon Blue, Shanks and Bigfoot, and Crowded House.
Everything else was a pointless answer.
Very well done if you said something else.
And what an amazing performance throughout.
And a great performance in that final round, as well.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thank you so much, Jan and Stephen, for playing and playing so well.
Fabulous, Jan and Stephen! APPLAUSE Join us next time when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.
Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me, goodbye.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome to this comedians edition of Pointless Celebrities.
This is the show where all the questions have been asked to 100 people before the show, and all our celebrities have to do is come up with the answers those 100 people couldn't think of.
Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.
And couple number one.
My name's Sara Pascoe.
I'm a comedian and a writer.
Rich Hall, comedian.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Couple number two.
Er, I'm Hal Cruttenden, comedian, writer, actor, former winner, and former loser in the first round.
I'm Zoe Lyons.
I'm a stand-up comedian and an actress.
APPLAUSE Couple number three.
Hello, my name's Rowland Rivron.
I'm a writer, performer and drummer.
My name's Simon Day.
I am a comedian and writer and actor.
APPLAUSE And finally, couple number four.
Hi, Xander, I'm Stephen K Amos.
I'm a comedian, writer, author, performer, presenter, and part-time life model.
And I am Jan Ravens, and I am an actress, comedian and impressionist.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much, all of you, a very warm welcome to Pointless.
It's lovely to have you here.
We'll get a chance to chat a little bit more throughout the show as it goes along.
So that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.
A runaway train whose next stop is supreme knowledge, via Ealing Broadway.
It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.
Hiya.
Hi, everybody.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening to you.
How are you? I'm very well, thank you.
Excellent.
I'm very glad to hear it.
Now, Hal's said already that he's a former winner, a former champion.
We've got two former champions on the show, though, because Sara Pascoe - also a champion.
There you go.
Both jackpot winners as well.
Yes.
Hal and Sara.
I would not want to be on podiums three or four right now, let me tell you.
Er, we've got some great questions.
Round One is fun.
Round Two, there will be sniggers, I'm afraid.
Smutty sniggers? Yeah, I think so.
Smutty sniggers, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I used to love his act, did you? LAUGHTER Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed Richard.
Pleasure.
Thank you.
Now, as usual, all of today's questions have been put to 100 people before the show.
Our contestants here are looking for those all-important pointless answers.
These are answers that none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those and we will add ã250 to the jackpot.
Now, as today's show is a celebrity special and each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity, we start off with a jackpot of ã2,500.
Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.
The only thing you have to remember is this - the pair with the highest score at the end of each round will be eliminated.
So just keep your scores as low as you can, and you'll be fine.
No conferring until we get to the head-to-head round.
Other than that, good luck.
Our first category today is Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever's going first please step up to the podium.
OK.
And our first question concerns Rich.
JAN: I love it already! Yes, on each board we're going to show you descriptions of seven films which have won the Best Picture Award at the Academy Awards, but we've described them in the form of a Japanese haiku poem.
Can you work out In Japanese? .
.
what the films are, please? In Ja Yes, in the original Japanese, yeah, which makes it slightly harder.
Thank you very much.
OK, let's reveal our board of haikus and here they are.
I'll read those all again.
Sara, welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you.
Good to have you here on this comedy special.
Yes.
Now, when you're performing Yep.
.
.
do you have a ritual before you go on stage? Do you have Are there things that you sort of have to do? No.
Not at all? No, nothing.
I think the danger of our job is, it can make you very superstitious.
If you start to rely on things, then one day you forget it, and you can't go on stage, so Oh, that's very freeing.
I don't even, like, wash my face.
I just I have noticed that before, actually! I'm glad you mention it.
But, yeah.
But it's weird, just nerves can make you Yes.
I find I get a bit OCD before I go on the stage.
Yes.
I find it really helpful to think that this is all a false construct and not really happening.
Hmm I suddenly feel much better.
Much better! Yeah, that's nice.
Let's do that for the rest of the show.
Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters, it really doesn't.
Oh, we could say anything! Er, Sara, which are the best picture winning films described by these haikus? I think I'm going to go for, "Man goes on a quiz show.
" And that's Slumdog Millionaire.
Slumdog Millionaire, says Sara.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Slumdog Millionaire.
It is right.
It's good.
Very good.
Look at that, nine.
Single figures, Sara.
Great start to the show.
That happened on this show, didn't it? With that vicar with the allotment, where we started with famous courgettes and books of the Bible.
Oh, it was incredible.
Amazing.
What a day he had.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Hal, welcome.
Hello.
Welcome.
Good to have you with us.
Nice to be here.
Hal, when you're playing live, performing live, do you find that your nerves are in proportion to the size of your audience? If you're playing a huge venue, do you get hugely nervous? I do, though I reach a stage beyond nerves and into a sort of numbness.
Don't you find that? SARA: So do your audience, Hal.
So do my audience! Hey! It's lovely, it's lovely to see you again.
I'm being very silly! Of course not.
He's such a good comedian.
No, but you do have that thing, you do that thing of, when you do the comedy gala thing, the O2, and you're doing I'd never done a crowd of 7,000 or 15,000, or whatever it was.
And you do reach a state of going, "This is so ridiculous, it's laughable.
" And you go on, and amazingly, the place was just on its feet.
So They loved me! Now, Hal, what would you like to go for? Which of the haikus, which of the Best Pictures? Um The one I don't know is the one I've seen.
I can't remember it! I'm going to go for Kramer Vs Kramer - "Parents separate, a father bonds with his son, "then must go to court.
" Kramer Vs Kramer, says Hal.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Kramer Vs Kramer.
It's right.
Now, nine is the only score we have so far.
Kramer Vs Kramer - 26.
APPLAUSE It's not bad, Hal.
Not bad at all.
Yeah, well played.
It's the prequel to Alien Vs Predator.
LAUGHTER Thanks very much indeed, Richard.
Simon, welcome back.
Hi.
Good to have you here.
Now, Simon, you're about to embark on a massive tour.
Yes.
Ooh, how many dates are you doing? Um I'm doing about 23 in all, so it's not that massive.
But it's far ranging.
It's far ranging, yes.
You're covering a lot of ground.
When you're writing a tour show, how long generally does it take you to put it together? Er, this took me about two months.
And do you do lots of try-outs all the time? I did five warm-ups, and pretty much, it was all reasonably OK, apart from a few things that didn't work at all.
And they're the bits you've kept in.
Yes! Er, now, Simon, what would you like to go for? I'm going to go modern, like Sara did, and I'm going to go for "The Church is accused of a massive cover-up," which is Spotlight.
Boston Globe.
Spotlight, says Simon.
Oh, that's good.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Spotlight.
It's right.
Well, 26 is our high score, nine is our low.
You've passed the high score.
You've passed the low score.
Three, very well done indeed Simon.
Well done! Yeah, a really recent winner, and a terrific film as well, but it's got one of those titles which no-one's ever going to remember.
Hey-ho, there we are.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Stephen, welcome back.
Thank you.
Good to have you.
Stephen, how did you get started in comedy? What was your first big break? I was studying law, and I thought, "What am I going to do? "I've finished my law degree, my parents want me to do law, "and I don't know what I want to do.
I want to travel.
" So at the time, a very well-known vacuum cleaner brand was doing an offer - I don't know if anyone remembers the offer - where if you bought said vacuum cleaner, you got two return tickets to America.
Bankrupted the company.
But I went to America.
And I met a woman in America who told me, "Oh, you're really funny, "have you thought of comedy?" And I thought, no, no, no.
And she convinced me to come and try and do it, and I did.
And the rest, as they say HE CHUCKLES .
.
Mm.
LAUGHTER Now, Stephen, this board is all yours if you wanted to go through all of those haikus, and tell us what the film titles are Well, start at the top, "Film adaptation of a musical version of Pygmalion," Erm, that was a play, wasn't it? Um "Anthony Hopkins enjoys" That must be Silence Of The Lambs, I'm guessing.
Yeah.
And "Two men running fast on the sand," could that be Oh! Some sort of racing thing, Chariots Of Fire, perhaps? I don't know.
No, you can't ask it like this! All of us are resisting the temptation to nod or shake our heads.
Which one would you like to go for, Stephen? Well, I think I'm going to have to go for probably the highest score, which I am absolutely Well, I think I'm confident about.
"The Jets and the Sharks," I think it might be West Side Story? West Side Story, says Stephen K Amos.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said West Side Story.
It's right.
It is West Side Story.
26 currently our high score, three currently our low.
34 for West Side Story.
Not bad.
The lead role in that was originally offered to Elvis.
No! Yeah.
Colonel Tom Parker said he couldn't do it.
Er, now, that top one, the musical version of Pygmalion, is My Fair Lady.
33 points for that.
The Anthony Hopkins one is Silence Of The Lambs, absolutely, 44 points.
And the two men running fast on sand, Chariots Of Fire.
And that would have scored you 29.
Oh! So the best answer on the board there, Simon, is Spotlight.
Well played.
Very good indeed.
Well, we're halfway through the round.
Let's take a look at those scores.
Simon, fantastic, three was the lowest score of the pass.
And nine is where we find Sara and Rich.
And then we got up to 26, where we find Zoe and Hal, and then 34, Stephen and Jan.
Not way ahead, but ahead.
So, Jan, you get the new board.
Find a lovely low scoring answer on it OK.
I'll try my best.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? OK, let's put seven more haikus up on the board and here they are.
We have got I'll read those all one last time.
Jan.
Hello.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Lovely to have you here.
Thank you.
Now when you are doing an impression, what is the first thing you go for? I always, like, listen to voice first rather than watching a person, so I just listen to the vowel sounds and the consonants.
I mean, if you listen to the particular way people make sounds, like if you think of somebody like Jo Brand, if you think of Jo AS JO BRAND: .
.
the way her tongue touches, when her tongue touches the roof of her mouth behind her teeth, is that sort of looseness where the tongue does the Ds and the Ts.
And the Ss.
When you move on, to somebody like, if you think of Tess Daly AS TESS: .
.
Tess Daly like, her big wide grin, if I grin any wider, my head will fall off, you know.
So that voice is sort of going up through the cheekbones and out through the mouth.
NORMAL VOICE: So, yeah.
You sort of listen to the You know, listen to the vowels and consonants, and the tune, and then you look at pitch and tone and that's when you start looking at all their resonating chambers, and how they work.
Is there anyone you particularly like doing at the moment? AS THERESA MAY: Well, Theresa May has been quite good to me at the moment, because she's got that sort of diplophonic voice where she's sort of doing two voices at the same time.
Um APPLAUSE Can you do me? No.
OK.
Now, Jan.
Yes.
There you are on 34.
You're the high scorers.
You'll have to get a low score here.
Yes, I know.
The pressure's on, isn't it? And look, you've got a nice clean board there, so you can have first pick of anything you want.
Yeah.
Um, I'm going to take a risk.
I'm going to go for Birdman, "A washed-up actor once played a superhero, now takes to the stage.
" OK, you got a nod from Simon, which Have I? Well, that's good, because he did well on the last round, didn't he? Um, Birdman.
Birdman, says Jan.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said that.
There's no red line for you as you are the high scorers.
SHE WHISPERS: Thank God for that.
Oh, that's very good indeed.
Look at that.
Four.
Second lowest score of the round so far.
Just what you needed.
Takes your total up to 38.
Very well done.
So relieved! Yeah, terrific stuff so far in this round.
Sara, Simon and Jan all got single-digit answers, which doesn't always happen on Pointless Celebrities, does it? It doesn't.
No.
Er, Rowland, welcome back.
Hello.
Very good to have you with us.
Now, what came first, the drumming, the sort of presenting and acting? Er, the drumming, very much so.
In fact in this very studio, I performed with my school jazz orchestra when I was about 14.
I've seen the footage.
On Blue Peter.
On Blue Peter, yeah.
In this very I was just about there.
Aw! It's amazing.
Fantastic.
Now, Rowland, there you are on three.
You are the low scorers at this point.
The high scorers are just behind you on 38.
If you can score 34 or less Right.
.
.
you are still in the game at the end of the round.
If they've seen this film, they would have seen it on a Sunday afternoon, and I don't think it's been on for a while.
So I'm going with thousands of extras and Ben Hur.
Ben Hur, says Rowland.
Here is your red line.
If you get below this red line with Ben Hur, you are into round two.
How many of our 100 people said Ben Hur? You've done it.
Oh, look at that.
Just done it! You needed 34.
You got 33.
36 is your total.
Well played, Rowland.
In the famous chariot race scene, in that film, that's also shot in this studio.
So that was just about there.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Er, Zoe.
Hi.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you.
Comedy these days is now sort of It's so international, live comedy.
How far afield have you been with your live show? Oh, er Well, New Zealand.
That's probably Well, that's as far as you can go really, isn't it? I think it probably is.
Then you start coming back on yourself.
So, yes.
I've been to New Zealand a few times.
And how does that work? Do you take exactly the same material, do the same? Well, you fly there, Xander Yes, yes, yes.
You can try and walk, but it is a long journey.
Yes.
You have to I always find, when you're doing international gigs, there's those two or three first shows that you're doing when you're finding out those words that don't land in the country that you're in.
I've gigged in India before, and I used to have this routine about a trouser press, of all things, and none of them had any idea what it was.
And then I realised they were quite a wealthy Indian audience, and they didn't understand what a trouser They have somebody to do their ironing for them.
So it took ages.
I was like, "Why isn't that getting a laugh? "It always gets a laugh.
" It's exactly the same with Xander.
You can see that, he's going, "What is?" No, no clue.
No clue.
So it's nice, you have to sort of find your way, and then little words that don't quite hit, you know.
Er, now, Zoe.
26 is where you are.
38 is the high score.
A score of 11 or less is what we need from you here.
Oh! I'm going to go classic.
I'm going to go "Morocco romance gets harder as time goes by, "Sam plays it again.
" It's Casablanca.
Casablanca says Zoe.
Here is your red line.
Looks quite low.
You've got to get below that with Casablanca.
Let's see if Zoe can do it.
How many people said it? Oh! 37 for Casablanca.
Takes your total up to 63.
Yes, and of course the line "Play it again, Sam" doesn't appear in the film.
No.
Famously misquoted.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Rich.
Yes.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Thank you very much.
How much time in your year do you spend over here in the UK? About half the year.
Why did you come over here? You had a great career in the States.
What was it that attracted you about the UK comedy scene? I had some botched plastic surgery.
So I just came over here to ride it out.
OK.
Ride it out.
Till I got my looks back.
Which six months do you, do you choose to spend? Ah, well, summer, I generally spend in Montana.
And then, you know, try to fit in a few other trips there.
Very good indeed.
Yeah, it's Montana.
Yeah, you guys can laugh, you're out! LAUGHTER Rich, you're on nine.
If you can score 53 or less with this, you go through to the next round.
Right.
Talk us through all those unanswered haikus.
Do you want to fill in the blanks? Er, Rocky.
Godfather.
American Beauty, and I'm not sure about the last one.
I think it might be The Pianist, butI'm pretty sure it's not.
Judging from the I got something off the audience that just told me I'm going to go with American Beauty.
American Beauty.
"Rose petals falling.
" Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said American Beauty.
There's your red line, Rich.
Below that, you're through to round two.
There we are.
Done it.
American Beauty scoring 18.
Very well done indeed.
That takes your total up to 27.
Well played, Rich.
You took us through the board very nicely there, up to a point.
Rocky, you are right about.
Rocky would have seen you through, 25 points for that.
The Godfather, of course.
The highest scorer on the board with 41.
And may I commend Sara Pascoe, because when you said The Pianist and you almost went for it Honestly, someone who's less competitive I think might have given you a clue they thought it was a bad idea by almost doubling up and collapsing to the floor, but Sara was very, very straight-faced.
Just absolutely kept it together.
Um It's The Artist.
The Artist is the answer there.
And would have scored you five points.
Whoa, come on! That's almost The Pianist! Yes, up to a point it is.
Up to point it is.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
So, at the end of our first-round, the pair who are heading home with their high score of 63, Zoe and Hal, I'm afraid it's you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, Hal.
No, it's my fault as well.
We'll have a fight backstage.
I give off a massive loser vibe.
Zoe and Hal, it's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much for playing.
Zoe and Hal, everyone.
APPLAUSE But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.
And look at that.
Suddenly we're down to three pairs.
At the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.
Best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two this evening is Good at that.
It's a words round.
Can you all decide in your pairs, who's going to go first, who's going to go second? Can whoever's going first please step up to the podium? OK.
Let's find out what the question is.
Here it comes.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many words LAUGHING: .
.
ending in .
.
in O-C-K as they could.
Words ending O-C-K, Richard.
Nothing funny about that! Yeah, we're looking for any word which has its own entry in the British and World English section of oxforddictionaries.
com, please, that ends O-C-K.
As always, no proper nouns.
Very, very best of luck.
OK, thank you very much, thank you.
Rich? Er, shuttlecock.
Shuttlecock.
Shuttlecock, says Rich.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for shuttlecock.
Look at that, down to three! Very well done indeed.
Well done! Three for shuttlecock.
Very well played, Rich.
They say it's the fastest-moving projectile in any game.
They say it.
Really?! I don't believe that, though.
Why? They say it is.
How can it be? What do you mean? Well, it goes faster than all the others.
The shuttlecock's got lots of Faster than a tennis ball, faster than a table tennis Really? Yeah.
I would not have thought that.
Well, I'm telling you.
Thank you very much.
Rowland.
Words ending O-C-K.
Yeah.
Coming from an OCD person! Um, I don't really know how to say the word, but if I say it you could just sort of, you know, help me along, can't you? As long as you can spell it and it ends O-CK.
Eh? If you can't spell it or say it then we're going to be in difficulty.
Spatchcock.
Spatchcock.
Yes.
Says Rowland.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for spatchcock.
It's right.
Look at that, down to one, very well done indeed.
One for spatchcock.
Very good.
Very, very nicely done.
Also sounds like a rude word, but isn't, which is great.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Stephen.
We come to you.
Words ending in ock.
I'm going to go for .
.
warlock.
FAINT MURMURING Warlock.
Oh, is that a word? Did you That was a hum of appreciation from our audience.
Was it? Yes.
The studio crowd.
I couldn't tell, I'm so nervous.
Warlock.
Yeah.
OK, let's see how many of our 100 people said warlock.
Oh, look at that! Two for Warlock.
Very well done indeed.
Two, Stephen.
I love the way this is now exactly like an Olympic podium, isn't it? One, two, three.
How nice is that? Ah! Delightful.
Hey, you know what? Great scoring there, everybody.
Thank you, Richard.
We're halfway through the round.
Let's take a quick look at those scores.
One, Rowland, one, the best score of the pass.
Very well done.
Rowland and Simon looking very, very strong.
Two is where we find Stephen and Jan, and then three is where we find Rich and Sara.
I mean, really, you aren't that far ahead, Sara, but we need a low score from you, all the same, just to redress the balance and keep you with us at the end of the round.
Good luck with that.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? OK, Jan, remember we are looking for words ending in O-C-K.
Well, I'm going to take a risk.
I'm going to go for fetlock.
Oh, fetlock.
Ideally, you'd be scoring a pointless answer here to avoid becoming joint high scorers or high scorers.
Yes.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said fetlock.
Look at that! It's a pointless answer! It's exactly what you needed.
That, Jan adds ã250 to the jackpot, takes today's total up to ã2,750.
And it scores you nothing, leaves you on two, and means you are in the head-to-head.
Amazing stuff.
Yeah, fetlock is part of a horse's leg.
That's a terrific answer, Jan, well played.
Look at this now! Look at the scores.
I wouldn't want to be Simon or Sara right about now.
That is a lot of pressure.
Thanks very much indeed.
Simon.
Simon.
Cassock.
Wow.
Cassock.
Cassock, says Simon.
C-A-S-S-O-C-K.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brilliant.
Let's find out.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said cassock.
Here is your red line.
You ideally want to score one.
One or less.
Mmm.
HE CHUCKLES It's another pointless answer! Look at that, Simon! And, being a pointless answer, it adds another ã250 to today's jackpot.
Takes the total up to ã3,000.
Scores you nothing and leaves your total at one.
Yeah, cassock.
It's a cloak worn by various religious people, or religious horses, over the fetlock.
Thank you very much, Richard.
Oh, Sara, I'm afraid that means you will be leaving us at the end of this round.
But anyway, not until you've had a You're going to make me have a go anyway? Yeah.
I was going to go with defrock, again, with a religious thing.
Defrock.
Yeah.
Defrock.
Yeah.
OK, well, there's no red line, I'm afraid, for you.
Because we're going home.
Because you're the high scorers already.
But defrock sounds brilliant.
Let's see if it is brilliant.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said defrock.
It's right.
At least it's right.
Oh! Two! Two for defrock.
Five! Oh, five! Takes your total up to five.
I mean, that's an amazing round from everybody there.
Yeah, defrock.
It's the German version of The Clothes Show.
Um But look at that.
Eight points between six answers.
A huge round of applause for everybody there.
That's enormously impressive.
Um Now, there's some good pointless answers, actually.
There's ones that people will definitely have got.
Let's take a look at a few of them.
Airlock is a pointless answer.
Bedsock, forelock would have been a good one.
Well done if you said any of these.
Headlock.
Oh! Plock.
Do you know what plock is? No.
That's that sort of sound you make when you go Is it? Is it? That's a word? It's a plock, yeah.
How about that? It's a great word.
It's really onomatopoeic, isn't it? Poppycock, roadblock, sunblock, wazzock.
Lovely.
Wazzock! Wazzock.
How about that? Loads of pointless answers you could have had - electroshock, doorknock is one word, billycock, alpenstock would have been a nice one.
Haycock, all sorts of pointless answers there.
Shall we take a look at the top three, the ones that most of our 100 people said? Yes.
Dock would have scored you 73.
Lock 77.
And clock 78.
That is good.
Thank you very much, Richard.
So at the end of our second round, the pair we have to say goodbye to, with a high score of five, I can't believe it.
Sara and Rich, you played so well.
That's a brilliant score.
Um, but there we are.
They just scored better.
Thank you so much for coming to play.
Come and play again, please.
Always a joy to have you here.
Thank you so much.
Sara and Rich, brilliant.
Thank you.
Good luck.
But for Jan and Stephen, Simon and Rowland, it's now time for our head-to-head.
Congratulations, Simon and Rowland, Jan and Stephen, you are now one step closer to the final and a chance to play for our jackpot, which currently stands at ã3,000.
There we are.
But this is where we decide who goes through to the final to play for that jackpot and we do it by making you go head-to-head.
But the big difference is, you are now allowed to confer before you give your answers.
You can start playing as a team.
And the first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.
Well, very, very well done, you've knocked off our two jackpot winners.
How about that? Exactly.
Can I confer with Richard? No.
But, listen, it's also very fitting, because you're the only two pairs that scored pointless answers.
That's how the game works! So very, very best of luck to both pairs.
Let's play the head-to-head.
OK.
Here comes your first question and it concerns Richard.
We're going to show you five pictures now of famous people, all of whom have names which feature in the Lou Bega song, Mambo No.
5.
You just need to tell us who these people are, please.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, let's reveal our five people who share their names with people from Mambo No.
5.
And they are There we are.
Five people whose names feature in the song Mambo No.
5.
Simon and Rowland, you've been our low scorers, so you get to go first.
Brilliant.
Good.
So I think I know who E is.
What, "he"? E! E! E.
Um, I'm going to go for it.
Oh, jeez.
OK.
Is it Monica Seles? OK, so E, Monica, say Simon and Rowland.
God, I hope it is.
Monica.
Now, then, Jan and Stephen, talk us through that board.
A is Sandra Bullock.
Yeah.
Tina Turner.
Jessica Ennis-Hill.
And C is either Erica Jong or Andrea Dworkin.
It's some sort of feminist writer.
I'm going to say Erica Jong for C.
SIMON: Good work! Erica Jong.
Erica Jong.
So we have Monica Seles and Erica Jong.
Done.
So Simon and Rowland went for Monica, little bit of Monica, and E.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Monica.
It's right.
It's in the song a lot.
Oh, that's good, look at that.
Nine, very well done indeed.
Well done.
I thought it was Gayle Hunnicut! Jan and Stephen have said that C is Erica Jong.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Erica Jong or "Gzhong".
Well done.
It is.
Yeah, you've got it! Erica Jong.
Look at that.
Look at that.
And it's a pointless answer! Very well done indeed, Jan.
That adds another ã250 to today's jackpot, takes the total up to ã3,250.
It scores you nothing.
It wins you the point.
It means after our first question, you are up 1-0, Jan and Stephen, very well done indeed.
Also, can I just say, in Round One, we saw the best answers on every round possible, on Round Two we did and now we've seen it again.
Gents, that was the second best answer on the board, Monica Seles.
So the best two answers we possibly could have had.
We know who the others are.
Sandra Bullock, there, would have scored you 33.
Tina Turner would have scored you 60.
And Jessica Ennis-Hill would have scored you 39.
There we are.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Here comes your second question.
Now then, Jan and Stephen, you get to answer it first but Simon and Rowland, you have to win this one to stay in the game.
Footballers, please! Good luck.
The second question this evening concerns That's nice.
Going to show you five clues now to UK seaside resorts.
You just have to name the most obscure of these, please.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, let's reveal our five clues.
And here they come.
We have got I'll read those all again.
There you are.
Jan and Stephen will go first.
What's the end one? Newquay? It's just a question of which the fewest people would know, which I think might be the second one.
The second one, I do agree, yes.
OK, so we'll go for the second one which is Llandudno.
Llandudno, say Jan and Stephen.
Now, Simon and Rowland.
It's over to you.
Could we have our coats, please? The resort where the first Butlins holiday camp opened was also the town that Erica Jong was born in.
LAUGHTER I don't know where that is.
I think we've got, we've got Weston-Super-Mare for John Cleese.
Blackpool for Newquay.
.
.
for Red Rum.
Newquay for Fistral.
Oh, it's not Skegness, is it? Oh, yeah! Shall we go for Skegness? But we don't know.
Oh! Newquay or Skegness? What do you reckon? Well, I don't know.
Skegness, I don't, I can't remember there being a Butlins We're going to go for Newquay cos we're not sure about Skegness.
But then we're going to lose anyway.
Let's go Newquay.
You're going to go for Newquay.
So we have Llandudno and we have Newquay.
Jan and Stephen have gone for Llandudno.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said that for Great Orme and Little Orme.
It's right.
30.
Ooh! 30 for Llandudno.
Simon and Rowland have gone for Newquay.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Newquay.
It's right.
Ooh, 41 for Newquay! Very, very well done, Jan and Stephen.
That means, after two questions, you are straight through to the final, 2-0.
It won't surprise you to learn, once again, those are the best two answers on the board.
So very well done.
It was Skegness.
Would have scored you more than Newquay.
Really? Yeah, would have scored you 47 points.
I'm really surprised.
Blackpool would have scored you 85 points.
And Weston-Super-Mare would have scored you 57.
How did he turn on the lights? Red Rum? Was it his fetlock? Thanks very much indeed, Richard.
So the pair leaving us at the end of the head-to-head round, I'm sorry to say, Simon and Rowland, it's you.
You were our low-scoring pair coming into this round, all looking fantastic.
Yeah.
Hang on, we're low scoring and we lose? I mean, there's a flaw in this game, isn't there? In the World Cup, they'd let us back in! You're runners up.
You're runners up.
You haven't lost.
Oh, right, yeah, no-one loses, no.
Yeah, you're runners-up but you have played so well today.
Next time you come on, you'll be taking a trophy home, I'm absolutely sure of it.
Yeah, because we know where you keep them! Simon and Rowland, thank you very much indeed for playing.
Thank you! But for Jan and Stephen, it's now time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Jan and Stephen, you've fought off all the competition and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot and at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at ã3,250.
I'm really struggling to remember a celebrity version of this show where people have covered themselves in as much glory as you have.
It's been amazing.
Really? Amazing.
Yeah.
Wow.
You have contributed more than anyone else to that jackpot and here you are, playing for it for your charities, which is marvellous.
So very, very best of luck.
Now as always, you get to choose your category for this round.
Right.
We put four on the board, and you just have to hope there's something up there that doesn't send you running to the hills.
OK.
Today's choices are Well, I'll go out on a limb and just go Geography Sevens, not really my thing.
No, not really my thing either.
I can barely find my way home.
Yeah.
Elizabeth I No.
Monarchy, not a strong suit for me.
OK.
But it could be, like, actors.
Crime drama possibly? Yeah.
Or pop music.
I'll leave it to you.
Shall I leave it to you? No! Let's be honest, you've had a really good winning streak and clearly I'm your good luck charm.
You are.
So But the pop music can span decades.
But there's a lot of good crime dramas that I like.
OK.
Oh! But it's up to you.
Um OK.
I think we should go for pop music.
OK, pop music.
HE GROANS OK.
Consumable Pop Music it is.
Richard.
Quickly, quickly, before they change their minds.
Here are your three questions.
We are looking for any act who've ever had a top 100 UK hit single, at the end of September 2017 with the word coffee in its title Oh Mm-hm.
.
.
with the word honey in its title, or with the word chocolate in its title.
So any UK top 100 hit up to the end of September 2017, any act who've had a hit song with a song with either coffee, honey, or chocolate in its title.
Very, very best of luck.
OK.
Now as always you've got up to one minute to come up with three answers.
And all you need to win that jackpot for your charities is for just one of those answers to be pointless.
Are you ready? Yeah.
We're going to put 60 seconds up on the clock.
There they are.
Your time starts now.
OK.
Ercoffee.
Coffee, "You're the cream in my coffee," what's that? That's quite an old one, but I don't know who that was.
Coffee, coffee time, coffee cup.
I just kind of know Hot Chocolate, but that's not Hot Chocolate's the name of the group.
Yeah.
There is a band called The 1975 that had a song called Chocolate which was really good.
OK.
Single.
A few years ago.
So I think we should go for that one.
Honey, honey Honey and the honeycombs, that was a thing in the '60s, wasn't it? Oh, Honey, Bobby Goldsboro.
Who's that? Bobby Goldsboro.
It was "And, honey, I miss you, "and I'm being good" Alexander, you should sing it for him, I'm sure he'd! Er Is there coffee in No Ten seconds left.
OK.
Right.
This is a tough one, I have to be honest.
Coffee.
Honeybee.
I like my men like I like my coffee? That is your time up.
OK.
OK, let's have your three answers please.
OK.
The three answers are Honey by Bobby Goldsboro.
Bobby Goldsboro.
Yeah.
Chocolate by the 1975.
The 1975.
Yeah, great band.
AndThe Archies.
The Archies, for which one, for honey? Shall we do that? Yeah, yeah, I'm with you.
Stephen! Literally! Literally, I'm just with you.
LAUGHTER OK.
Of those three, which do you think is your best shot at a pointless answer? The 1975.
The 1975 we'll put last.
Least likely to be pointless? Um Did we say the Archies? Because that The Archies, we'll put The Archies first Might be actually not right.
And Bobby Goldsboro Bobby Goldsboro goes in the middle.
Let's put those answers up on the board in that order.
We have got Well, very, very best of luck.
Three good answers there.
Now if one of these turns out to be pointless and wins you that jackpot, which charities are you playing for? Jan? You first.
I'm playing for a charity called Changing Faces, who work with people with disfigurements with different kinds of faces and they work very much to help people sort of socially and psychologically, and also to raise awareness in the rest of us about, you know, how that ain't so bad if people look different.
And so it's a sort of consciousness raising and practical charity.
Very good indeed.
APPLAUSE Stephen? I'm supporting the Albert Kennedy Trust, which is a charity that looks after the interests of young, 16-25-year-old LGBTQ people, who either find themselves homeless or live in a hostile environment.
Very good indeed.
APPLAUSE Two excellent charities there.
Let's hope one of these answers will allow them to share the spoils of your hard work this evening.
OK.
Your first answer was The Archies.
In this case we were looking for any top 100 single with honey in its title.
You've gone for The Archies.
If it is pointless, it will win you ã3,250 for your charities.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said The Archies.
Oh, bad luck! Not The Archies.
We knew it wasn't the Archies.
We knew it wasn't.
Not a pointless answer.
So we move on to your second answer, which is Bobby Goldsboro.
We're now on terra firma here.
In this case we were looking for another top 100 single with honey in its title.
If our 100 people didn't go for Bobby Goldsboro but it is a correct answer, you will leave you with ã3,250 for your charities.
How many people said it? Bobby Goldsboro.
It's right.
Well, your first answer, The Archies, was incorrect, Bobby Goldsboro now taking us down through the teens, into single figures.
We're in single figures, down we go, still going Oh, three.
Not bad at all.
That's a great score.
Bobby Goldsboro scoring three.
Annoyingly, though, not a pointless answer.
So we have to move on to your third and final answer.
This was the one you thought was your best shot at a pointless answer.
The 1975.
In this case we were looking for top 100 singles with the word chocolate in their title.
If this is pointless, it will win you ã3,250.
How many people said The 1975? It's right.
Your first answer, the Archies, was incorrect.
The second answer, Bobby Goldsboro, took us all the way down to three.
We are now on the 1975, down we go into single figures Oh! Sticking at three! Two very, very good low scores there, but unfortunately you didn't manage to find that all-important pointless answer, so I'm afraid you do not win today's jackpot of ã3,250, however, as it is a celebrity special, and all of our celebrities are playing for a charity, we are going to donate ã500 to each celebrity pair for their respective charities.
Brilliant.
So there we are.
It's been fabulous having you on.
You have played so well.
And you get to take home a Pointless trophy, so very well done.
Richard.
Yes, a terrific performance.
Two three-point answers in that final round is great stuff.
It's really hard, those ones, when you're trying to remember songs, only having one minute.
Another minute might have helped you out.
Let's take a look and see if it would have done.
Coffee is the hardest one, I think.
We'll take a look at the pointless answers here.
Crash Test Dummies - Afternoons And Coffee Spoons.
Coffee Beats by Del Gado.
Mike & The Mechanics - Another Cup Of Coffee.
And simply Coffee by Supersister.
The only ones that scored any points at all were Blur - Coffee & TV - Squeeze, All Saints, Miguel, and Frank Sinatra.
Honey, there were more pointless answers here, lots of pointless answers Bay City Rollers - Money Honey.
Sunny Honey Girl by Cliff Richard.
Montell Jordan - Something For The Honeys.
Acker Bilk - A Taste Of Honey.
The scorers there - Billie, Honey To The Bee.
Bobby Goldsboro we've seen.
Mariah Carey, The Beach Boys and Shirley Bassey.
Everything else was a pointless answer.
And chocolate, let's take a look.
Bros had a hit with Chocolate Box.
People would have got that, I think.
Lenny Fontana.
Snow Patrol, one of their very early hits is simply called Chocolate.
Soul Control.
The only scorers there - The 1975 we saw.
Chef from South Park, Kylie Minogue, Deacon Blue, Shanks and Bigfoot, and Crowded House.
Everything else was a pointless answer.
Very well done if you said something else.
And what an amazing performance throughout.
And a great performance in that final round, as well.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thank you so much, Jan and Stephen, for playing and playing so well.
Fabulous, Jan and Stephen! APPLAUSE Join us next time when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.
Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me, goodbye.