Psych s03e13 Episode Script
Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central
So that's it from the Thunderdome as quarterback Sammy Winslow and the T-Birds lose another heartbreaker.
Winslow was brilliant at times today, throwing for three touchdowns, but his two second-half interceptions were absolute backbreakers.
This is the greatest moment of my whole life.
Yeah, you see, being a cop has its advantages, huh? This is pretty cool.
There he comes.
Oh, my God.
I've got to get his autograph.
He's so cool.
Just relax, relax.
Remember, he's a person, just like me.
Oh, no, he's way better than you.
Hey.
Good game.
Uh, great game, Sammy.
But do you want to know why you threw that interception in the third quarter? Shh.
Why? Well, every time you're going to throw a quick pass to the left side, you rub your hands together then pat the ball twice.
Which is probably why you threw those six picks in the last three games.
Or something.
I don't know.
Sorry.
He's a perceptive little pain in the butt, or something.
Sorry.
You can't do that.
He's a quarterback.
Kid.
Oh, my God! My God! Whoa! Whoa! We got the game ball.
I got the game ball.
Where have you two been? We've left you 12 messages.
Sorry.
We were having our biannual Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon.
Did you see Quest for Fire? Guys, the Chief is not happy.
You have to keep your cell phones on at all times.
This would all be a lot easier if you'd just run with my genius psych signal idea.
No.
Don't you mean yes? What are you talking about? It's like the bat signal, only way awesomer.
The silhouette in the sky would be my hand to my head, psychic style.
I drew up a whole proposal.
That would have cost the department $200,000.
We covered that with our bake sale alone.
And what's going on with our badges? You're not getting badges.
She has one.
She's a cop.
All right, fine, we'll settle for guns.
It's about time.
Come with me.
We may have a missing persons case we need you to look into.
"May have"? That doesn't sound very definitive.
Do you have any leads? There's one.
Mr.
Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot.
Does he know that's where they keep the bodies for identification? I think he's figuring that out right now.
There you go.
So what can you tell us? It's weird.
The lower extremities give off very, very intense psychic vibes.
For instance the pinky toe is telling me that he went to the market.
No, I'm sorry that's wrong.
He, uh He actually stayed home.
And something about wee-wee and roast beef.
Okay, I knew this was a waste of time.
The foot was found by hikers this morning on a trail near Lake Cachuma.
Mr.
Spencer, we have to assume that we were meant to find this foot, which means that we're dealing with a psycho.
I'm going to position this case as a possible murder investigation.
I can only keep this foot thing quiet for a day or two.
Don't want to panic the community.
You're saying you think this thing might cause quite a stink.
All right, now I just feel like a heel.
That was callous.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Oh, hey, yeah.
Had to bolt out of there.
My cell phone was, like, literally shocking my leg.
It must be the battery or something.
I like that story.
Let's stick with it.
You know, there was something weird about the way the big toe was smushed and the side of the foot was callused.
Not random.
Almost symmetrical, you know, like it happened over time.
It probably comes from some repeated action like kicking.
Or kicking.
He could have been an athlete.
Like a soccer player.
Or a soccer player.
Sorry.
It helps me think.
Google "missing foot.
" That was your plan? Not all of it.
Watch out! Watch out! Rogue foot on the loose.
I can't control it.
It's heel-toed down from the spirit world to give me a swift kick in the ass.
And now Now it's channeling a message through my own foot.
What's it saying? Besides "everyone cut loose"? Let's listen.
Something about the big toe, the way it was smushed, callused, as if it belonged to someone who kicked things a lot.
A prison guard? A Rockette? A kangaroo? An athlete.
Yes, an athlete, perhaps a soccer player.
Soccer players wear shoes.
The toe thing wouldn't happen unless the person was barefoot.
Again, let me pitch kangaroo.
What else do you have, Spencer? I mean, do you have a name? Are they in danger? Are they still alive? Darn it.
Vision gone.
I'll have to sit with this one.
Just get back to us when you have something.
And it better be quick.
Chief, my middle name is Quick! I changed it from Boutros-Ghali.
Are you sure it's Vlad Alexavic? Think about it.
He's the only player in the league that kicks without his shoe.
Plus, you said he had surgery on his ankle last year.
Yeah, he jumped off of Kathy Griffin's balcony on a dare, blew out his ankle, missed the entire playoffs.
The scar on the ankle was fresh.
I don't know, Shawn.
Even for you that's a big leap.
And what are we going to do? Just walk into a pro-football training camp and start asking if anyone's missing a foot? The words foolproof and plan do come to mind, yes.
What are you guys doing here? I was drawn here by a name that's been kicking around my psychic third brain.
Vlad Vlad Alexavic? The T-Bird kicker? Yeah, after you left, I started thinking about the connection between the big toe and an athlete, and then I realized Vlad is the only kicker who kicks without a shoe.
Jules.
Color me impressed.
And purple with a streak of magenta.
Well, I dated a Miami Dolphin, for a while, one summer.
Uh-huh, yeah, so you're really attracted to big meat-headed football players.
Oh, they're not all meatheads.
And I don't know, it's just something about that uniform.
Mmm.
Yeah, so anyway Shawn and I thought that if we could get some information about Vlad from the team It's already done.
We matched DNA samples to the foot yesterday.
It's Vlad.
Set, hut! Out round.
Dude, can you believe this? We're standing on the field of an actual pro football training camp.
This is awesome.
My dad would love this.
Yeah.
Too bad he's not talking to you.
You should have just gone on the camping trip.
Oh, I'll make it up to him this week.
I'll head over there for dinner, bring him a pouch of Big League Chew, maybe watch a couple episodes of The Mentalist, be fine.
Dude, this is going to be the coolest case of all time.
I should have brought my autograph book.
I've been stuck on C.
Everett Koop and Drew Lachey for a while.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Bunch of guys in tights and hard hats playing in the dirt.
What? I'm not a big fan of football.
What are you a fan of exactly? I don't know.
The gun sports.
What are we waiting for? To talk to Sam Winslow.
He's the coach and general manager.
Are you kidding me? We get to meet Slinging Sammy Winslow? What? So.
So? He's one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of pro football.
He also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
You met him once when you were ten.
And the only thing that my dad and I both like besides Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin.
Who's with me? Who's with me on Hamlin? Literally, no one's with you.
Sammy won a championship his first season as a coach, but he hasn't even been to the playoffs in six years.
Sounds like he's not a very good coach.
Come on! You call that a two minute drill? I could get to Dallas on my nephew's Big Wheel faster than you ladies.
It's ridiculous.
Reset! It's ridiculous.
See, you're too tall to be an agent.
You must be a shoe rep.
No.
I'm a cop.
We need to speak to you about one of your players.
I'm Detective Lassiter.
This is my partner, Detective O'Hara.
These are Never mind.
I don't want the press to see this.
I'll give you two minutes, all right? Come with me.
Thank you.
Come on.
Come on.
You found Vlad's foot? You sure it's his? I'm afraid so.
When's the last time you saw him? It's been a few weeks.
I mean, he was a hold out.
I mean, Vlad's always been a bit of a free spirit.
He's disappeared during the off season before.
I just thought he was doing it again.
We're going to need to speak with some of your players.
We'd appreciate it if you kept the information about Mr.
Alexavic quiet for the time being.
Could someone have killed him? That's what we're here to find out.
I can't believe I'm saying this, do you two think you could have spoken up a little bit? Oh! Sorry about that.
That's what happens to us when we're in the presence of one of our heroes.
Gus almost fainted when we ran into Ralph Macchio at a Del Taco.
For the record, he was not working there.
Why don't we interview the players and you guys take care of everything else? Sure.
Heard you guys were asking questions about Vlad.
What's going on? It's unclear at this point, Mr.
Tompkins.
It's Matt.
Look, Vlad's one of my bros.
If there's a problem, I want to know about it.
If you have any information about Vlad, we could really use the help.
Well, I don't want to start any rumors or anything, but I did hear that he owed a lot of money to people.
What people? Bookies, I think.
I also heard a rumor that he tried to start a nightclub with some of his cousins and lost a sh A load of money.
Would that be Russian cousins? What do you think? Hut! Great.
While you guys were goofing off we actually got a lead.
Matt Tompkins told us that Vlad lost a bunch of money that belonged to some Russian cousins.
What did you guys find? Just this.
What's that? Vlad's phone.
We found it in his locker.
You stole it? Benji, the locker room attendant let us in.
Big fan of Rent.
Told him Gus was Taye Diggs so he also gave us these old jerseys.
How do I look, Jules? Like my 11-year-old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.
Your 11-year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy? That's weird.
Whoa! Hang on.
Look at that.
That is a direct threat.
This plus the foot screams Russian mob.
Really? I don't hear anything.
I'm just saying we found that phone awfully easy, and there just happens to be a threatening text on it.
Come on.
So you think someone planted it in his locker? No, I think someone put it there on purpose.
That's what I just said.
But mine wasn't in the form of a question so it comes from a place of power.
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this.
And we'll be back with a search warrant for the contents of that locker.
You see we actually follow police procedure.
Oh.
So what do we do now? Benji said the only ones allowed in the locker room are players and team personnel.
The answer to what happened to Vlad is not in some Russian bathhouse.
No, we need to get close to the team.
Are you saying we go undercover? I'm saying we assume alternate identities, so that we can get in there and investigate without drawing any extra attention to ourselves.
Coach Winslow? Sorry to bother you.
It's all right.
Come in.
You were with the cops earlier.
Yeah.
You didn't say a word.
No, because I was observing.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
I'm a psychic who works for the SBPD.
This is my partner, Dekwan "Smallpox" Randolph.
You can call him Gus.
We work on high-profile cases like this all the time.
Yeah, well, this is my fault.
I mean, I knew that Vlad was going off the rails and I didn't do anything.
No, no, no, Coach, please.
Don't beat yourself up.
You probably get this a lot, but we're huge fans of yours.
I slept on your face for years.
I mean I had sheets with you on them when I was a kid.
And we've actually met before.
I was the kid after the Denver game who told you about your interceptions.
Oh, yeah.
I told you he'd remember me.
Yeah.
You know I didn't throw a pick the rest of the year.
Oh, boy, I thought I'd play football forever, you know.
Sure as heck never thought I'd end up a coach.
Well, Coach, I'm here because I'm sensing some very dark forces coming from your team.
Whoever did this to Vlad might want to harm other players as well.
I think that we can help.
And how can you possibly help? Red 17! Red 17! Check down! Check down! Red 17! Dragon! Shawn.
Wildebeest! Shawn! Bevell came back too early from his concussion.
He's afraid of getting hit.
Fletcher.
All he's worrying about is divorce.
He's not focused on the game.
Dayne may seem heavy but it's just water weight.
He's actually going to be fine.
Bollinger is freaking out 'cause he thinks his wife might know that he's sleeping with the reporter from Channel 5.
And Calderwood, well, he's just not cool with being demoted to second team, even if he says he is.
Yes, no, knee, juice, possibly gay, definitely gay.
That is incredible.
I mean I already knew about Dorn, suspected Kenney, but I mean that Still, that's impressive.
So what is in this for you? Oh, we just want to find whoever did this to Vlad, help you get your team back.
Oh.
And maybe lead the team out of the tunnel one time for a game.
That is not going to happen.
Well, you know, I may need your help but there's just one problem.
I mean, these guys are not going to just let somebody walk in off the street and get close to them.
They have to think that you belong.
All right, let's get this done fast.
We got ten other spots to check today.
They said the locker room guy has the key and he's on the field.
All right, I want to see all the kickers trying out on the field right now.
That's right.
It's real.
Feel free to drink it in.
Little help.
Okay.
It's all good.
So, Adam, Vlad just came in here last year and beat you out of the job, huh? Yeah, well, he's not here, so it's my job to win now.
Ah, shake that a little.
I've never heard of you before.
You said you played in Tampa? Tel Aviv.
Israeli Arena League.
Didn't play on the Sabbath so you probably didn't see me.
I've also been out of the game for a little while.
I've had a couple of knee surgeries and this elbow is filled with ostrich cartilage.
Six, get out there and kick.
Sure, Coach.
Did I see you give an interview to ESPN this morning? First of all, it was ESPN Deportes and it was an exclusive, Coach.
You can't be giving interviews.
You're a non-roster invitee.
I told the docs you had an MCL tear, which means no kicking.
You're here to solve a murder.
No interviews, no kicking, solve the murder.
Got it.
All right, let's go, girls! Pick it up! My grandmother moves faster.
All right, Estevez Estevez, you're up.
Actually it's Emilio Estevez Estevez.
And I have a knee injury so I can't kick.
If you ain't going to kick then get off this field.
Are you saying I don't have a choice? No.
Get out there.
What's up? That was awesome! It was just a 21-yarder.
Yeah? Well, I was in an iron lung a week ago.
Huh? Dude, check the books.
I think I just tied Tom Dempsey's record for longest field goal.
Yeah, no, you didn't.
His record is 63 yards, not 63 feet.
What's up in your world? Look, Shawn, we can't be wasting time.
Lassiter's on this Russian thing, and we only have two days to figure out what happened to Vlad.
Two days to fulfill That's what a team manager wears, huh? I'm not a team manager.
I'm a training intern.
And I've been setting up massage tables for the last hour.
You know what they do on those massage tables, Shawn? They play Connect Four.
They massage men.
Big hairy men.
Mmm.
Look, let me be very clear, these hands are not touching anyone.
I only use these hands to touch myself.
Um, let me rephrase that.
Please stop speaking and no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.
Carlton, we have been to every place even remotely connected to Russia and all of Eastern Europe and we have found nothing.
We have to start looking someplace else.
Maybe there's something in this stuff from Vlad's locker.
Just a bunch of junk.
Huh.
What? Well, Tompkins said he thought Vlad was gambling, right? Yeah.
These could be bets that he made.
Look, it says Miami plus six, KC minus two.
Look at this, it's a phone number.
Do you still have Vlad's phone records? Yeah, but they didn't show anything.
The text that Vlad got was from a disposable phone.
Check this, 80555514 That number called Vlad twice last week.
We've got a lead.
Let's go! While you were fooling around I was investigating.
Ever since the cops came, everyone's talking about Vlad.
What are they saying? None of the players liked that dude.
He either owes them money, tried to sleep with their wives, or called them out in the press.
Did I move it? No.
Not one nanometer.
Nanometer, what is that? Like two or three feet? I don't think everyone hated Vlad.
Check it out.
He has one of those warriors towels in his locker, too.
They call themselves the warriors because they're the craziest guys on the team.
Matt Tompkins, Vince Garner and Drew Shacker are the leaders.
Man.
Now I'm gonna have to figure out a way to get close to those guys that doesn't involve getting a lobotomy or showering with strange men with volcano nipples.
Coach is crazy if he thinks I'm playing special teams this year.
If I get injured on a play there goes my bonus.
Exactly.
Right? Whoa! What are you doing? Have you guys seen Altered States? No.
I just got back from being a monkey.
Why did I think that would land? You scared the hell out of us, bro.
Sorry, bro.
Emilio Estevez Estevez.
New kicker.
You mean like the actor guy? You're thinking of Charlie Sheen.
What? Actually you're probably not thinking of anything.
Nice ink.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, this is my wife, that's my mom, and that's this stripper I hook up with in Vegas sometimes.
Very sweet.
I dated a dancer once, Destiny.
Real name was Glitter.
Nothing there? So, what's up with your kicker, Vlad? Some pretty crazy rumors floating around.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Vlad's kind of a loner.
Yeah, we didn't really know him.
I heard something about some Russians.
I hope it's not that they're coming.
They're coming.
The Russians.
Well, that's it for me.
I I got to go get my steroid shot.
Whoops, probably shouldn't have said that out loud.
Steer clear.
Might be some pee in that one.
This is definitely the address and there's a picture of Vlad on the shelf.
Oh, no.
Look at that.
Madame, why do you have that picture here? Oh, I'm a huge fan of Chad.
One day I plan to have his baby.
We're detectives with the SBPD.
We're looking for any information you might have on Vlad Alexavic.
Oh, dear.
Go around back! Get on your knees! Hands on your head.
Nice work, O'Hara.
Sergei Vangieff.
Vangieff.
Yeah, whatever.
You, my friend, have a big problem.
Your visa runs out next month.
So? So, you either give us something or it's bye-bye, Santa Barbara, hello, Saint Petersburg.
I can't go back to Russia, man.
My lady and I, we are starting aquarium store.
We already have a bathtub full of koi.
Why were you calling Vlad Alexavic last week? Did I? Okay, Vlad owes me money.
You were booking bets for him, right? That's why you ran? Da.
But it was just to make money to buy fountain of child spitting water for store.
His old girlfriend introduced us.
Vlad and I are friends.
Sergei, bookmaking's a very serious offense.
What is it now, like, five years in prison? Oh, more if you take the bets over the phone.
That's interstate wire fraud.
Who's going to feed all those fish? Are you going to start soon? I already did.
What do you mean? You don't feel it? Feel what? The heat.
See, I'm using what's called the hovering technique.
I learned it from some monks in Cambodia.
It's forbidden to touch the skin.
Yeah.
I think I feel it.
You do? I mean, good.
Now, what I want you to do is close your eyes tight and focus on the power source coming from my hands.
Yeah.
Now I totally feel it.
Oh, yeah.
That's awesome.
Oh, can you do the buttocks? The hover technique? Resourceful Gus makes a rare appearance.
Please tell me you have something so we can get out of here.
It depends.
What can you tell me about poison oak? What can't I tell you? It's the three-leaf devil, causes severe itching and a red bumpy rash.
Found only on the Pacific coast and usually near bodies of fresh water.
Huh.
The foot was found by hikers this morning on a trail near Lake Cachuma.
Come on.
We gotta call the ME and check something out, but I think I might know where Vlad's body is.
How? Calamine lotion.
Calamine lotion? All right, thanks.
You were right.
The ME said the pink flakes under Vlad's toenails were dried calamine lotion.
And this is the closest lake to training camp.
Cops obviously got my message.
What are you doing? It's game time.
I'm about to blow their minds.
How do I look? Like an idiot.
Sweet.
Sorry I'm late.
Practice ran long.
By the way, Jules, you might want to jump on the Spencer bandwagon.
Sign up for my newsletter.
Maybe buy my fathead.
Spencer, what are you doing here? Vlad's body, it's dark, it's murky, his voice is a little Warbley.
That's right.
Like it's calling to me from underwater.
Maybe a river, a stream, perhaps a Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago.
Mr.
Spencer, it looks like you're a little late to the game this time.
What? No witty retort? No reference to some obscure '80s film? Wow.
O'Hara, write this down.
I don't have a pen.
Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole.
Yeah.
Sorry, what was that? Something about Night of the Comet.
Just forget it.
Okay, we need to expedite this.
Make it a top priority.
We received a tip that Vlad had been using an old girlfriend's cabin on the lake.
When we went back and ran some of his credit cards, we found out that one was used at the Cold Spring gas station.
On Highway 154? Yep.
And the attendant there said that he remembered seeing Vlad three days ago and that he got into a car with several other men.
Which we assume is our Russian connection.
You see, boys, at the end of the day, good old-fashioned police work always wins out.
"Old-fashioned"? So you went and billy-clubbed some immigrants.
You know, Jules, it's a shame you didn't see my kick at practice.
Yeah.
Sorry I missed it.
I didn't.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Just a little something to make this whole police thing official.
Isn't this the same thing you gave the former Laotian general who sells peanuts outside the station? Yeah, but his actually says "detective" on it.
Chief, I need a favor.
Please don't release the info about finding Vlad's body yet.
Come on.
Give me one good reason.
I'll give you five.
I'll give you one.
I know deep down in my psychic loins that the Russian angle is completely wrong.
Why? Because all signs point directly to it? Exactly.
Whoever did this thinks they got away with it.
We release the info now, they're just going to run.
Give me one day.
It's going to take us at least 24 hours to find and notify them in Russia.
That gives you one day.
Thank you, Chief.
Come on, Gus.
Oh, Lassy, your haircut is worse than Joyce Hyser's in Just One of the Guys.
Thank you and good night.
Why isn't my dad picking up? Probably because you were supposed to be at his house three hours ago for your apology dinner.
Well, we'll have a late dinner.
Late? It's already Way past curfew.
We're going to get caught and you might end up losing your roster spot.
Why did we come back here? Because the answer to what happened to Vlad is with the team.
The warriors lied about being friends with him and Drew referred to him in the past tense.
Yeah, we didn't really know him.
So the guys were with Vlad at the lake, but they lied about it.
Exactly.
Something went down.
I just don't know what or who else was there.
What do we do now? Be careful.
There's a cover up here.
A lot of guys hated Vlad.
Anybody could be involved.
You guys know why you're here.
You have two choices.
Dude, I think we're on top of the stadium.
Do not step forward.
You can either jump or get pushed off.
You got five seconds to decide.
Five, four, three, two, one! Hey, hey, hey, what do you think you're doing? Enough already.
It's Matt and Vince.
We might be screwed.
Don't be an idiot.
You could blow this whole thing for all of us.
We were only trying to scare them.
Coach is not going to find out.
Hell yes he can.
And there goes our contracts.
You get these guys off this building and into their rooms now.
Right.
Guys, take the hoods off.
Show's over.
Sorry about that, guys! Beer? What were you going to do? Haze us? It's training camp.
You know, it gets so intense, you got to cut loose a little.
What was all that stuff with Matt and Vince about? You don't have guaranteed contracts so you don't have to worry about that.
Just don't tell Coach what we did, all right? Come on, guys! Oh, gosh.
Dude, I got it.
We need to talk to Sammy.
He always works late.
What about your dad? I'll figure that out on the way.
Shawn, you're not the person I want to see right now.
I know.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
I promise.
Uh Do you Do you still have that football? The Thunderbirds football that I got when I was a kid? I don't know.
Maybe up in the attic.
Why? I want him to sign it.
Henry, that steak was downright vicious, baby.
I mean, thank you for having me over.
You know, I don't remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal.
You kidding? Sammy Winslow at my house, I should be thanking you.
Or you could thank me, since I brought him over, but it's neither here nor there.
Do you know that Shawn and I used to sit in that living room right there and watch every single one of your games? Do you remember that, Shawn? Remember? I remember I had to stand next to the fridge the entire second half of the playoff game against Seattle in '88 'cause every time I got an Otter Pop, you threw a touchdown.
He didn't want to jinx it.
Hey, we won, right? Yes, we did.
I still can't believe that you let Shawn talk you into this crazy plan.
Well, you know the kid does have a way with words.
I mean, I'm not sure if he's a genius or if he's totally full of it.
Wow, maybe he's a little bit of both.
Get us a couple more beers.
You got it.
Thanks.
You know, I was thinking about retiring this year but now I can't go out like this.
Everything I've done before will just be forgotten.
Sammy, if you found out that you had players that were hazing, what would you do about it? Used to be I wouldn't do anything but that all changed last year when I put behavior clauses in everybody's contract.
What do you mean? Well, we had so many guys getting in trouble off the field, you know, getting arrested, driving their motorcycles through honey-baked ham stores, stuff like that.
So I put a thing in everyone's deal that says if they got caught doing any of that stuff that I can cut them.
No exceptions? None.
The only thing they'd respond to was fear, fear of losing their money.
I think we should put that fear to work for us.
Well, Vlad's death is a horrible tragedy.
We're working with the Santa Barbara Police Department to help in any way that we can.
We voted as a team to continue to practice and to play and that is what we're going to do.
Thank you.
At least tell us who the kicker is going to be.
Thank you.
You know, I hope you know what you're doing, kid.
You got my career Hell, you got my legacy in your hands.
Sammy, you're just going to have to trust me, okay? I'm going to fix this.
You didn't even look at the ball.
You ain't mad at it, though.
Come on! Get off me, man.
What's your problem? We're four weeks from our first game.
You still full of this? Come on, baby.
Come on, focus, man.
Focus.
Dude, Matt and Drew are getting into it.
I think the pressure's getting to them.
Where are your John Stockton shorts? They're not John Stockton shorts, Shawn.
I changed because I just got off the phone with Juliet.
She wants us to come down to the station right now.
Check this out, according to her, Vlad wasn't murdered.
What? Say that again.
Use a Jamaican accent.
They said Vlad no murder.
The murder thing can't work.
No, man.
The man's feet Shawn.
All right, let's go.
And according to the coroner, Vlad's injuries were more consistent with those of a motor vehicle accident.
Well, my psychic wires are crossed then because I can see Vlad's body but I don't see any shards of glass or cuts on it anywhere.
Hmm.
Good catch.
I'm glad I called you.
Are you sure you didn't call me to see me in my uniform? Because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and I was like, what? I didn't know they made pads in extra small.
Whoa.
Hey.
Dead Russian guy, possible homicidal football players.
Right.
Sorry, Gus.
Where did this come from? They're Vlad's.
I'm getting something here.
Older Republican walruses.
That doesn't make any sense.
Everyone knows walruses are Libertarian.
Off Off Off-ligon? Off Ricksberg? Off On it Off Shawn.
Off-road warriors.
Off-road like ATV.
You know what? ATVs don't have windshields.
We have to go.
All right, I think I know what happened but I need a little more proof.
I don't understand the big deal about the time of death.
It happened between 4:00 and That text came in five hours after he'd already died.
Would you send a threatening text message to someone hours after you supposedly killed them? You would if you were starting to cover up.
What do you think you're going to find in Matt and Vince's locker? Something that ties them directly to Vlad.
Looks like someone beat us to it.
It's not one of their lockers.
Whose is it? It's mine.
Why did you even have to keep that stupid thing? It's my only form of ID, Gus.
Hey.
Hey, bros, what's up? What's up? What's up is we know you're not a kicker.
You guys saw me nail a What the hell are you doing working for the cops? Okay.
Okay.
So maybe I'm not a player.
I'm not a player but I crush a lot.
I would have bet money they would have gotten that reference.
I got it.
Thanks, buddy.
All right, the jig is up.
I'm a psychic.
I work for the cops.
You know what? I'm tired of you messing with us.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What was that? I said I'm tired of you messing with us! Not you.
It's Vlad.
He's speaking to me.
He's in a dark place.
It's hard to understand him.
He sounds a little like Yakov Smirnoff.
He also has some Ritz Bits in his mouth.
Cheese, no.
Peanut butter.
Shawn.
Okay, I'll tell 'em.
I I said I'd tell them.
All right, Vlad says he knows it's an accident.
Oh, I'm seeing through Vlad's eyes now.
He invited you to go ATV-ing down by the lake.
You were drinking.
There was a horrible accident where Vlad and Matt smashed into each other like two frozen Christmas hams.
Vlad wasn't wearing his helmet.
Hit his head on a rock and by the time we got there, he was dead.
Shut up, Drew.
Matt, you were thrown so violently from the ATV that the emergency switch tethered to your wrist left a burn, just like Vlad, and the foot The foot Just got ripped off in the middle of the accident.
But you weren't supposed to be doing any of that.
So you had to cover it up or risk losing your contracts.
And that's worth millions.
Smallpox, wrapping up the wrap-up.
What? Putting a bow on it.
The pox may be small but decent.
Yeah, that's really very, very impressive, guys.
Too bad we've already dug ourselves so deep we can't let you ever tell anyone about it.
Then again, I could be dead wrong.
Yep.
I mean, I just I just heard it all from a locker.
What the hell does it know? Seriously, here's what I think we should do, guys.
Gus.
Yep? Run.
Gus, this way! We'll use the phone in the press box! Come on, Gus! This is what we worked so hard for! I was a training intern, Shawn! Guess you guys didn't know about the elevator.
Get in! Wait! Get over there.
What are we doing, Matt? Yeah, what are you doing, Matt? Don't be rash and stupid now after you covered up the Vlad accident so nicely.
That's right.
I know.
I sensed a plan being hatched right there in the moment.
You knew Vlad was in trouble with the Russians, you just decided that would be the story.
You dumped Vlad's body in the lake and you left the foot right out there where you were sure it would be found.
You gave the cops exactly what they wanted.
It was the text, man.
The text to Vlad's phone afterwards.
That was overkill.
That's what cost you.
We have to get rid of them, Matt.
No, you don't.
We know you're not murderers.
It was just an accident.
Yeah.
That we covered up.
You can forget about our contracts.
Oh, man.
We're going to jail.
Jail's not so bad.
Have you guys seen Stir Crazy? I bet they'll let you ride bulls.
All right, we'll take them up to the roof, make them jump.
It'll look like a hazing gone bad.
Come on.
No, no, no, no.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let go of him! Coach.
Son.
What are you doing here? Watching film in the coach's box like he does every night before a game.
Yeah.
And I heard everything.
Coach, come on.
Think about this.
Giving up three of your starters for these guys.
Yeah.
You can't win without us.
You're probably right.
What? But that doesn't matter anymore.
Shawn, you and your dad are people who love football so much you'd do anything to be close to it.
And that made me realize what's most important.
The game.
To hell with you, old man.
We'll just get rid of you too.
No, no, no, no! Freeze! Don't move.
Think I'd do all this without having backup? I'm not stupid.
They don't give these badges to just anybody.
Feel it.
You guys did good.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, thanks, Sammy.
Well, it looks like you might need a few extra players for the season.
No.
But, you know It's not going to happen.
Hear me out.
Never.
Hello everyone, welcome to the Thunderdome for opening night, as hope springs eternal for coach Sammy Winslow and the T-Birds.
You know I can't believe I'm actually letting him do this.
You remember back then I told you he was a perceptive little pain in the butt? I probably should have also told you that he is persistent as hell.
Ready? Are you kidding me? I've never been more ready for anything in my life.
Ready to lead them out, son.
Thunderbirds! Yeah! This is our house! Yeah! This is our time! It's game time! Gus, it's my day off.
The case is over.
What do you and Shawn want me to see anyway? That.
Ladies and gentlemen, here come your Los Angeles Thunderbirds! In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity If it's all right then you're all wrong But why bounce around to the same damn song? You'd rather run when you can't crawl I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know
Winslow was brilliant at times today, throwing for three touchdowns, but his two second-half interceptions were absolute backbreakers.
This is the greatest moment of my whole life.
Yeah, you see, being a cop has its advantages, huh? This is pretty cool.
There he comes.
Oh, my God.
I've got to get his autograph.
He's so cool.
Just relax, relax.
Remember, he's a person, just like me.
Oh, no, he's way better than you.
Hey.
Good game.
Uh, great game, Sammy.
But do you want to know why you threw that interception in the third quarter? Shh.
Why? Well, every time you're going to throw a quick pass to the left side, you rub your hands together then pat the ball twice.
Which is probably why you threw those six picks in the last three games.
Or something.
I don't know.
Sorry.
He's a perceptive little pain in the butt, or something.
Sorry.
You can't do that.
He's a quarterback.
Kid.
Oh, my God! My God! Whoa! Whoa! We got the game ball.
I got the game ball.
Where have you two been? We've left you 12 messages.
Sorry.
We were having our biannual Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon.
Did you see Quest for Fire? Guys, the Chief is not happy.
You have to keep your cell phones on at all times.
This would all be a lot easier if you'd just run with my genius psych signal idea.
No.
Don't you mean yes? What are you talking about? It's like the bat signal, only way awesomer.
The silhouette in the sky would be my hand to my head, psychic style.
I drew up a whole proposal.
That would have cost the department $200,000.
We covered that with our bake sale alone.
And what's going on with our badges? You're not getting badges.
She has one.
She's a cop.
All right, fine, we'll settle for guns.
It's about time.
Come with me.
We may have a missing persons case we need you to look into.
"May have"? That doesn't sound very definitive.
Do you have any leads? There's one.
Mr.
Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot.
Does he know that's where they keep the bodies for identification? I think he's figuring that out right now.
There you go.
So what can you tell us? It's weird.
The lower extremities give off very, very intense psychic vibes.
For instance the pinky toe is telling me that he went to the market.
No, I'm sorry that's wrong.
He, uh He actually stayed home.
And something about wee-wee and roast beef.
Okay, I knew this was a waste of time.
The foot was found by hikers this morning on a trail near Lake Cachuma.
Mr.
Spencer, we have to assume that we were meant to find this foot, which means that we're dealing with a psycho.
I'm going to position this case as a possible murder investigation.
I can only keep this foot thing quiet for a day or two.
Don't want to panic the community.
You're saying you think this thing might cause quite a stink.
All right, now I just feel like a heel.
That was callous.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Oh, hey, yeah.
Had to bolt out of there.
My cell phone was, like, literally shocking my leg.
It must be the battery or something.
I like that story.
Let's stick with it.
You know, there was something weird about the way the big toe was smushed and the side of the foot was callused.
Not random.
Almost symmetrical, you know, like it happened over time.
It probably comes from some repeated action like kicking.
Or kicking.
He could have been an athlete.
Like a soccer player.
Or a soccer player.
Sorry.
It helps me think.
Google "missing foot.
" That was your plan? Not all of it.
Watch out! Watch out! Rogue foot on the loose.
I can't control it.
It's heel-toed down from the spirit world to give me a swift kick in the ass.
And now Now it's channeling a message through my own foot.
What's it saying? Besides "everyone cut loose"? Let's listen.
Something about the big toe, the way it was smushed, callused, as if it belonged to someone who kicked things a lot.
A prison guard? A Rockette? A kangaroo? An athlete.
Yes, an athlete, perhaps a soccer player.
Soccer players wear shoes.
The toe thing wouldn't happen unless the person was barefoot.
Again, let me pitch kangaroo.
What else do you have, Spencer? I mean, do you have a name? Are they in danger? Are they still alive? Darn it.
Vision gone.
I'll have to sit with this one.
Just get back to us when you have something.
And it better be quick.
Chief, my middle name is Quick! I changed it from Boutros-Ghali.
Are you sure it's Vlad Alexavic? Think about it.
He's the only player in the league that kicks without his shoe.
Plus, you said he had surgery on his ankle last year.
Yeah, he jumped off of Kathy Griffin's balcony on a dare, blew out his ankle, missed the entire playoffs.
The scar on the ankle was fresh.
I don't know, Shawn.
Even for you that's a big leap.
And what are we going to do? Just walk into a pro-football training camp and start asking if anyone's missing a foot? The words foolproof and plan do come to mind, yes.
What are you guys doing here? I was drawn here by a name that's been kicking around my psychic third brain.
Vlad Vlad Alexavic? The T-Bird kicker? Yeah, after you left, I started thinking about the connection between the big toe and an athlete, and then I realized Vlad is the only kicker who kicks without a shoe.
Jules.
Color me impressed.
And purple with a streak of magenta.
Well, I dated a Miami Dolphin, for a while, one summer.
Uh-huh, yeah, so you're really attracted to big meat-headed football players.
Oh, they're not all meatheads.
And I don't know, it's just something about that uniform.
Mmm.
Yeah, so anyway Shawn and I thought that if we could get some information about Vlad from the team It's already done.
We matched DNA samples to the foot yesterday.
It's Vlad.
Set, hut! Out round.
Dude, can you believe this? We're standing on the field of an actual pro football training camp.
This is awesome.
My dad would love this.
Yeah.
Too bad he's not talking to you.
You should have just gone on the camping trip.
Oh, I'll make it up to him this week.
I'll head over there for dinner, bring him a pouch of Big League Chew, maybe watch a couple episodes of The Mentalist, be fine.
Dude, this is going to be the coolest case of all time.
I should have brought my autograph book.
I've been stuck on C.
Everett Koop and Drew Lachey for a while.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Bunch of guys in tights and hard hats playing in the dirt.
What? I'm not a big fan of football.
What are you a fan of exactly? I don't know.
The gun sports.
What are we waiting for? To talk to Sam Winslow.
He's the coach and general manager.
Are you kidding me? We get to meet Slinging Sammy Winslow? What? So.
So? He's one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of pro football.
He also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
You met him once when you were ten.
And the only thing that my dad and I both like besides Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin.
Who's with me? Who's with me on Hamlin? Literally, no one's with you.
Sammy won a championship his first season as a coach, but he hasn't even been to the playoffs in six years.
Sounds like he's not a very good coach.
Come on! You call that a two minute drill? I could get to Dallas on my nephew's Big Wheel faster than you ladies.
It's ridiculous.
Reset! It's ridiculous.
See, you're too tall to be an agent.
You must be a shoe rep.
No.
I'm a cop.
We need to speak to you about one of your players.
I'm Detective Lassiter.
This is my partner, Detective O'Hara.
These are Never mind.
I don't want the press to see this.
I'll give you two minutes, all right? Come with me.
Thank you.
Come on.
Come on.
You found Vlad's foot? You sure it's his? I'm afraid so.
When's the last time you saw him? It's been a few weeks.
I mean, he was a hold out.
I mean, Vlad's always been a bit of a free spirit.
He's disappeared during the off season before.
I just thought he was doing it again.
We're going to need to speak with some of your players.
We'd appreciate it if you kept the information about Mr.
Alexavic quiet for the time being.
Could someone have killed him? That's what we're here to find out.
I can't believe I'm saying this, do you two think you could have spoken up a little bit? Oh! Sorry about that.
That's what happens to us when we're in the presence of one of our heroes.
Gus almost fainted when we ran into Ralph Macchio at a Del Taco.
For the record, he was not working there.
Why don't we interview the players and you guys take care of everything else? Sure.
Heard you guys were asking questions about Vlad.
What's going on? It's unclear at this point, Mr.
Tompkins.
It's Matt.
Look, Vlad's one of my bros.
If there's a problem, I want to know about it.
If you have any information about Vlad, we could really use the help.
Well, I don't want to start any rumors or anything, but I did hear that he owed a lot of money to people.
What people? Bookies, I think.
I also heard a rumor that he tried to start a nightclub with some of his cousins and lost a sh A load of money.
Would that be Russian cousins? What do you think? Hut! Great.
While you guys were goofing off we actually got a lead.
Matt Tompkins told us that Vlad lost a bunch of money that belonged to some Russian cousins.
What did you guys find? Just this.
What's that? Vlad's phone.
We found it in his locker.
You stole it? Benji, the locker room attendant let us in.
Big fan of Rent.
Told him Gus was Taye Diggs so he also gave us these old jerseys.
How do I look, Jules? Like my 11-year-old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.
Your 11-year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy? That's weird.
Whoa! Hang on.
Look at that.
That is a direct threat.
This plus the foot screams Russian mob.
Really? I don't hear anything.
I'm just saying we found that phone awfully easy, and there just happens to be a threatening text on it.
Come on.
So you think someone planted it in his locker? No, I think someone put it there on purpose.
That's what I just said.
But mine wasn't in the form of a question so it comes from a place of power.
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this.
And we'll be back with a search warrant for the contents of that locker.
You see we actually follow police procedure.
Oh.
So what do we do now? Benji said the only ones allowed in the locker room are players and team personnel.
The answer to what happened to Vlad is not in some Russian bathhouse.
No, we need to get close to the team.
Are you saying we go undercover? I'm saying we assume alternate identities, so that we can get in there and investigate without drawing any extra attention to ourselves.
Coach Winslow? Sorry to bother you.
It's all right.
Come in.
You were with the cops earlier.
Yeah.
You didn't say a word.
No, because I was observing.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
I'm a psychic who works for the SBPD.
This is my partner, Dekwan "Smallpox" Randolph.
You can call him Gus.
We work on high-profile cases like this all the time.
Yeah, well, this is my fault.
I mean, I knew that Vlad was going off the rails and I didn't do anything.
No, no, no, Coach, please.
Don't beat yourself up.
You probably get this a lot, but we're huge fans of yours.
I slept on your face for years.
I mean I had sheets with you on them when I was a kid.
And we've actually met before.
I was the kid after the Denver game who told you about your interceptions.
Oh, yeah.
I told you he'd remember me.
Yeah.
You know I didn't throw a pick the rest of the year.
Oh, boy, I thought I'd play football forever, you know.
Sure as heck never thought I'd end up a coach.
Well, Coach, I'm here because I'm sensing some very dark forces coming from your team.
Whoever did this to Vlad might want to harm other players as well.
I think that we can help.
And how can you possibly help? Red 17! Red 17! Check down! Check down! Red 17! Dragon! Shawn.
Wildebeest! Shawn! Bevell came back too early from his concussion.
He's afraid of getting hit.
Fletcher.
All he's worrying about is divorce.
He's not focused on the game.
Dayne may seem heavy but it's just water weight.
He's actually going to be fine.
Bollinger is freaking out 'cause he thinks his wife might know that he's sleeping with the reporter from Channel 5.
And Calderwood, well, he's just not cool with being demoted to second team, even if he says he is.
Yes, no, knee, juice, possibly gay, definitely gay.
That is incredible.
I mean I already knew about Dorn, suspected Kenney, but I mean that Still, that's impressive.
So what is in this for you? Oh, we just want to find whoever did this to Vlad, help you get your team back.
Oh.
And maybe lead the team out of the tunnel one time for a game.
That is not going to happen.
Well, you know, I may need your help but there's just one problem.
I mean, these guys are not going to just let somebody walk in off the street and get close to them.
They have to think that you belong.
All right, let's get this done fast.
We got ten other spots to check today.
They said the locker room guy has the key and he's on the field.
All right, I want to see all the kickers trying out on the field right now.
That's right.
It's real.
Feel free to drink it in.
Little help.
Okay.
It's all good.
So, Adam, Vlad just came in here last year and beat you out of the job, huh? Yeah, well, he's not here, so it's my job to win now.
Ah, shake that a little.
I've never heard of you before.
You said you played in Tampa? Tel Aviv.
Israeli Arena League.
Didn't play on the Sabbath so you probably didn't see me.
I've also been out of the game for a little while.
I've had a couple of knee surgeries and this elbow is filled with ostrich cartilage.
Six, get out there and kick.
Sure, Coach.
Did I see you give an interview to ESPN this morning? First of all, it was ESPN Deportes and it was an exclusive, Coach.
You can't be giving interviews.
You're a non-roster invitee.
I told the docs you had an MCL tear, which means no kicking.
You're here to solve a murder.
No interviews, no kicking, solve the murder.
Got it.
All right, let's go, girls! Pick it up! My grandmother moves faster.
All right, Estevez Estevez, you're up.
Actually it's Emilio Estevez Estevez.
And I have a knee injury so I can't kick.
If you ain't going to kick then get off this field.
Are you saying I don't have a choice? No.
Get out there.
What's up? That was awesome! It was just a 21-yarder.
Yeah? Well, I was in an iron lung a week ago.
Huh? Dude, check the books.
I think I just tied Tom Dempsey's record for longest field goal.
Yeah, no, you didn't.
His record is 63 yards, not 63 feet.
What's up in your world? Look, Shawn, we can't be wasting time.
Lassiter's on this Russian thing, and we only have two days to figure out what happened to Vlad.
Two days to fulfill That's what a team manager wears, huh? I'm not a team manager.
I'm a training intern.
And I've been setting up massage tables for the last hour.
You know what they do on those massage tables, Shawn? They play Connect Four.
They massage men.
Big hairy men.
Mmm.
Look, let me be very clear, these hands are not touching anyone.
I only use these hands to touch myself.
Um, let me rephrase that.
Please stop speaking and no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.
Carlton, we have been to every place even remotely connected to Russia and all of Eastern Europe and we have found nothing.
We have to start looking someplace else.
Maybe there's something in this stuff from Vlad's locker.
Just a bunch of junk.
Huh.
What? Well, Tompkins said he thought Vlad was gambling, right? Yeah.
These could be bets that he made.
Look, it says Miami plus six, KC minus two.
Look at this, it's a phone number.
Do you still have Vlad's phone records? Yeah, but they didn't show anything.
The text that Vlad got was from a disposable phone.
Check this, 80555514 That number called Vlad twice last week.
We've got a lead.
Let's go! While you were fooling around I was investigating.
Ever since the cops came, everyone's talking about Vlad.
What are they saying? None of the players liked that dude.
He either owes them money, tried to sleep with their wives, or called them out in the press.
Did I move it? No.
Not one nanometer.
Nanometer, what is that? Like two or three feet? I don't think everyone hated Vlad.
Check it out.
He has one of those warriors towels in his locker, too.
They call themselves the warriors because they're the craziest guys on the team.
Matt Tompkins, Vince Garner and Drew Shacker are the leaders.
Man.
Now I'm gonna have to figure out a way to get close to those guys that doesn't involve getting a lobotomy or showering with strange men with volcano nipples.
Coach is crazy if he thinks I'm playing special teams this year.
If I get injured on a play there goes my bonus.
Exactly.
Right? Whoa! What are you doing? Have you guys seen Altered States? No.
I just got back from being a monkey.
Why did I think that would land? You scared the hell out of us, bro.
Sorry, bro.
Emilio Estevez Estevez.
New kicker.
You mean like the actor guy? You're thinking of Charlie Sheen.
What? Actually you're probably not thinking of anything.
Nice ink.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, this is my wife, that's my mom, and that's this stripper I hook up with in Vegas sometimes.
Very sweet.
I dated a dancer once, Destiny.
Real name was Glitter.
Nothing there? So, what's up with your kicker, Vlad? Some pretty crazy rumors floating around.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Vlad's kind of a loner.
Yeah, we didn't really know him.
I heard something about some Russians.
I hope it's not that they're coming.
They're coming.
The Russians.
Well, that's it for me.
I I got to go get my steroid shot.
Whoops, probably shouldn't have said that out loud.
Steer clear.
Might be some pee in that one.
This is definitely the address and there's a picture of Vlad on the shelf.
Oh, no.
Look at that.
Madame, why do you have that picture here? Oh, I'm a huge fan of Chad.
One day I plan to have his baby.
We're detectives with the SBPD.
We're looking for any information you might have on Vlad Alexavic.
Oh, dear.
Go around back! Get on your knees! Hands on your head.
Nice work, O'Hara.
Sergei Vangieff.
Vangieff.
Yeah, whatever.
You, my friend, have a big problem.
Your visa runs out next month.
So? So, you either give us something or it's bye-bye, Santa Barbara, hello, Saint Petersburg.
I can't go back to Russia, man.
My lady and I, we are starting aquarium store.
We already have a bathtub full of koi.
Why were you calling Vlad Alexavic last week? Did I? Okay, Vlad owes me money.
You were booking bets for him, right? That's why you ran? Da.
But it was just to make money to buy fountain of child spitting water for store.
His old girlfriend introduced us.
Vlad and I are friends.
Sergei, bookmaking's a very serious offense.
What is it now, like, five years in prison? Oh, more if you take the bets over the phone.
That's interstate wire fraud.
Who's going to feed all those fish? Are you going to start soon? I already did.
What do you mean? You don't feel it? Feel what? The heat.
See, I'm using what's called the hovering technique.
I learned it from some monks in Cambodia.
It's forbidden to touch the skin.
Yeah.
I think I feel it.
You do? I mean, good.
Now, what I want you to do is close your eyes tight and focus on the power source coming from my hands.
Yeah.
Now I totally feel it.
Oh, yeah.
That's awesome.
Oh, can you do the buttocks? The hover technique? Resourceful Gus makes a rare appearance.
Please tell me you have something so we can get out of here.
It depends.
What can you tell me about poison oak? What can't I tell you? It's the three-leaf devil, causes severe itching and a red bumpy rash.
Found only on the Pacific coast and usually near bodies of fresh water.
Huh.
The foot was found by hikers this morning on a trail near Lake Cachuma.
Come on.
We gotta call the ME and check something out, but I think I might know where Vlad's body is.
How? Calamine lotion.
Calamine lotion? All right, thanks.
You were right.
The ME said the pink flakes under Vlad's toenails were dried calamine lotion.
And this is the closest lake to training camp.
Cops obviously got my message.
What are you doing? It's game time.
I'm about to blow their minds.
How do I look? Like an idiot.
Sweet.
Sorry I'm late.
Practice ran long.
By the way, Jules, you might want to jump on the Spencer bandwagon.
Sign up for my newsletter.
Maybe buy my fathead.
Spencer, what are you doing here? Vlad's body, it's dark, it's murky, his voice is a little Warbley.
That's right.
Like it's calling to me from underwater.
Maybe a river, a stream, perhaps a Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago.
Mr.
Spencer, it looks like you're a little late to the game this time.
What? No witty retort? No reference to some obscure '80s film? Wow.
O'Hara, write this down.
I don't have a pen.
Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole.
Yeah.
Sorry, what was that? Something about Night of the Comet.
Just forget it.
Okay, we need to expedite this.
Make it a top priority.
We received a tip that Vlad had been using an old girlfriend's cabin on the lake.
When we went back and ran some of his credit cards, we found out that one was used at the Cold Spring gas station.
On Highway 154? Yep.
And the attendant there said that he remembered seeing Vlad three days ago and that he got into a car with several other men.
Which we assume is our Russian connection.
You see, boys, at the end of the day, good old-fashioned police work always wins out.
"Old-fashioned"? So you went and billy-clubbed some immigrants.
You know, Jules, it's a shame you didn't see my kick at practice.
Yeah.
Sorry I missed it.
I didn't.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Just a little something to make this whole police thing official.
Isn't this the same thing you gave the former Laotian general who sells peanuts outside the station? Yeah, but his actually says "detective" on it.
Chief, I need a favor.
Please don't release the info about finding Vlad's body yet.
Come on.
Give me one good reason.
I'll give you five.
I'll give you one.
I know deep down in my psychic loins that the Russian angle is completely wrong.
Why? Because all signs point directly to it? Exactly.
Whoever did this thinks they got away with it.
We release the info now, they're just going to run.
Give me one day.
It's going to take us at least 24 hours to find and notify them in Russia.
That gives you one day.
Thank you, Chief.
Come on, Gus.
Oh, Lassy, your haircut is worse than Joyce Hyser's in Just One of the Guys.
Thank you and good night.
Why isn't my dad picking up? Probably because you were supposed to be at his house three hours ago for your apology dinner.
Well, we'll have a late dinner.
Late? It's already Way past curfew.
We're going to get caught and you might end up losing your roster spot.
Why did we come back here? Because the answer to what happened to Vlad is with the team.
The warriors lied about being friends with him and Drew referred to him in the past tense.
Yeah, we didn't really know him.
So the guys were with Vlad at the lake, but they lied about it.
Exactly.
Something went down.
I just don't know what or who else was there.
What do we do now? Be careful.
There's a cover up here.
A lot of guys hated Vlad.
Anybody could be involved.
You guys know why you're here.
You have two choices.
Dude, I think we're on top of the stadium.
Do not step forward.
You can either jump or get pushed off.
You got five seconds to decide.
Five, four, three, two, one! Hey, hey, hey, what do you think you're doing? Enough already.
It's Matt and Vince.
We might be screwed.
Don't be an idiot.
You could blow this whole thing for all of us.
We were only trying to scare them.
Coach is not going to find out.
Hell yes he can.
And there goes our contracts.
You get these guys off this building and into their rooms now.
Right.
Guys, take the hoods off.
Show's over.
Sorry about that, guys! Beer? What were you going to do? Haze us? It's training camp.
You know, it gets so intense, you got to cut loose a little.
What was all that stuff with Matt and Vince about? You don't have guaranteed contracts so you don't have to worry about that.
Just don't tell Coach what we did, all right? Come on, guys! Oh, gosh.
Dude, I got it.
We need to talk to Sammy.
He always works late.
What about your dad? I'll figure that out on the way.
Shawn, you're not the person I want to see right now.
I know.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
I promise.
Uh Do you Do you still have that football? The Thunderbirds football that I got when I was a kid? I don't know.
Maybe up in the attic.
Why? I want him to sign it.
Henry, that steak was downright vicious, baby.
I mean, thank you for having me over.
You know, I don't remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal.
You kidding? Sammy Winslow at my house, I should be thanking you.
Or you could thank me, since I brought him over, but it's neither here nor there.
Do you know that Shawn and I used to sit in that living room right there and watch every single one of your games? Do you remember that, Shawn? Remember? I remember I had to stand next to the fridge the entire second half of the playoff game against Seattle in '88 'cause every time I got an Otter Pop, you threw a touchdown.
He didn't want to jinx it.
Hey, we won, right? Yes, we did.
I still can't believe that you let Shawn talk you into this crazy plan.
Well, you know the kid does have a way with words.
I mean, I'm not sure if he's a genius or if he's totally full of it.
Wow, maybe he's a little bit of both.
Get us a couple more beers.
You got it.
Thanks.
You know, I was thinking about retiring this year but now I can't go out like this.
Everything I've done before will just be forgotten.
Sammy, if you found out that you had players that were hazing, what would you do about it? Used to be I wouldn't do anything but that all changed last year when I put behavior clauses in everybody's contract.
What do you mean? Well, we had so many guys getting in trouble off the field, you know, getting arrested, driving their motorcycles through honey-baked ham stores, stuff like that.
So I put a thing in everyone's deal that says if they got caught doing any of that stuff that I can cut them.
No exceptions? None.
The only thing they'd respond to was fear, fear of losing their money.
I think we should put that fear to work for us.
Well, Vlad's death is a horrible tragedy.
We're working with the Santa Barbara Police Department to help in any way that we can.
We voted as a team to continue to practice and to play and that is what we're going to do.
Thank you.
At least tell us who the kicker is going to be.
Thank you.
You know, I hope you know what you're doing, kid.
You got my career Hell, you got my legacy in your hands.
Sammy, you're just going to have to trust me, okay? I'm going to fix this.
You didn't even look at the ball.
You ain't mad at it, though.
Come on! Get off me, man.
What's your problem? We're four weeks from our first game.
You still full of this? Come on, baby.
Come on, focus, man.
Focus.
Dude, Matt and Drew are getting into it.
I think the pressure's getting to them.
Where are your John Stockton shorts? They're not John Stockton shorts, Shawn.
I changed because I just got off the phone with Juliet.
She wants us to come down to the station right now.
Check this out, according to her, Vlad wasn't murdered.
What? Say that again.
Use a Jamaican accent.
They said Vlad no murder.
The murder thing can't work.
No, man.
The man's feet Shawn.
All right, let's go.
And according to the coroner, Vlad's injuries were more consistent with those of a motor vehicle accident.
Well, my psychic wires are crossed then because I can see Vlad's body but I don't see any shards of glass or cuts on it anywhere.
Hmm.
Good catch.
I'm glad I called you.
Are you sure you didn't call me to see me in my uniform? Because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and I was like, what? I didn't know they made pads in extra small.
Whoa.
Hey.
Dead Russian guy, possible homicidal football players.
Right.
Sorry, Gus.
Where did this come from? They're Vlad's.
I'm getting something here.
Older Republican walruses.
That doesn't make any sense.
Everyone knows walruses are Libertarian.
Off Off Off-ligon? Off Ricksberg? Off On it Off Shawn.
Off-road warriors.
Off-road like ATV.
You know what? ATVs don't have windshields.
We have to go.
All right, I think I know what happened but I need a little more proof.
I don't understand the big deal about the time of death.
It happened between 4:00 and That text came in five hours after he'd already died.
Would you send a threatening text message to someone hours after you supposedly killed them? You would if you were starting to cover up.
What do you think you're going to find in Matt and Vince's locker? Something that ties them directly to Vlad.
Looks like someone beat us to it.
It's not one of their lockers.
Whose is it? It's mine.
Why did you even have to keep that stupid thing? It's my only form of ID, Gus.
Hey.
Hey, bros, what's up? What's up? What's up is we know you're not a kicker.
You guys saw me nail a What the hell are you doing working for the cops? Okay.
Okay.
So maybe I'm not a player.
I'm not a player but I crush a lot.
I would have bet money they would have gotten that reference.
I got it.
Thanks, buddy.
All right, the jig is up.
I'm a psychic.
I work for the cops.
You know what? I'm tired of you messing with us.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What was that? I said I'm tired of you messing with us! Not you.
It's Vlad.
He's speaking to me.
He's in a dark place.
It's hard to understand him.
He sounds a little like Yakov Smirnoff.
He also has some Ritz Bits in his mouth.
Cheese, no.
Peanut butter.
Shawn.
Okay, I'll tell 'em.
I I said I'd tell them.
All right, Vlad says he knows it's an accident.
Oh, I'm seeing through Vlad's eyes now.
He invited you to go ATV-ing down by the lake.
You were drinking.
There was a horrible accident where Vlad and Matt smashed into each other like two frozen Christmas hams.
Vlad wasn't wearing his helmet.
Hit his head on a rock and by the time we got there, he was dead.
Shut up, Drew.
Matt, you were thrown so violently from the ATV that the emergency switch tethered to your wrist left a burn, just like Vlad, and the foot The foot Just got ripped off in the middle of the accident.
But you weren't supposed to be doing any of that.
So you had to cover it up or risk losing your contracts.
And that's worth millions.
Smallpox, wrapping up the wrap-up.
What? Putting a bow on it.
The pox may be small but decent.
Yeah, that's really very, very impressive, guys.
Too bad we've already dug ourselves so deep we can't let you ever tell anyone about it.
Then again, I could be dead wrong.
Yep.
I mean, I just I just heard it all from a locker.
What the hell does it know? Seriously, here's what I think we should do, guys.
Gus.
Yep? Run.
Gus, this way! We'll use the phone in the press box! Come on, Gus! This is what we worked so hard for! I was a training intern, Shawn! Guess you guys didn't know about the elevator.
Get in! Wait! Get over there.
What are we doing, Matt? Yeah, what are you doing, Matt? Don't be rash and stupid now after you covered up the Vlad accident so nicely.
That's right.
I know.
I sensed a plan being hatched right there in the moment.
You knew Vlad was in trouble with the Russians, you just decided that would be the story.
You dumped Vlad's body in the lake and you left the foot right out there where you were sure it would be found.
You gave the cops exactly what they wanted.
It was the text, man.
The text to Vlad's phone afterwards.
That was overkill.
That's what cost you.
We have to get rid of them, Matt.
No, you don't.
We know you're not murderers.
It was just an accident.
Yeah.
That we covered up.
You can forget about our contracts.
Oh, man.
We're going to jail.
Jail's not so bad.
Have you guys seen Stir Crazy? I bet they'll let you ride bulls.
All right, we'll take them up to the roof, make them jump.
It'll look like a hazing gone bad.
Come on.
No, no, no, no.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let go of him! Coach.
Son.
What are you doing here? Watching film in the coach's box like he does every night before a game.
Yeah.
And I heard everything.
Coach, come on.
Think about this.
Giving up three of your starters for these guys.
Yeah.
You can't win without us.
You're probably right.
What? But that doesn't matter anymore.
Shawn, you and your dad are people who love football so much you'd do anything to be close to it.
And that made me realize what's most important.
The game.
To hell with you, old man.
We'll just get rid of you too.
No, no, no, no! Freeze! Don't move.
Think I'd do all this without having backup? I'm not stupid.
They don't give these badges to just anybody.
Feel it.
You guys did good.
I'm proud of you.
Oh, thanks, Sammy.
Well, it looks like you might need a few extra players for the season.
No.
But, you know It's not going to happen.
Hear me out.
Never.
Hello everyone, welcome to the Thunderdome for opening night, as hope springs eternal for coach Sammy Winslow and the T-Birds.
You know I can't believe I'm actually letting him do this.
You remember back then I told you he was a perceptive little pain in the butt? I probably should have also told you that he is persistent as hell.
Ready? Are you kidding me? I've never been more ready for anything in my life.
Ready to lead them out, son.
Thunderbirds! Yeah! This is our house! Yeah! This is our time! It's game time! Gus, it's my day off.
The case is over.
What do you and Shawn want me to see anyway? That.
Ladies and gentlemen, here come your Los Angeles Thunderbirds! In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity If it's all right then you're all wrong But why bounce around to the same damn song? You'd rather run when you can't crawl I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know