Remington Steele (1982) s04e09 Episode Script

Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Steele

Lighten up.
Didn't anybody tell you it's Christmas Eve? - Ho, ho, ho.
- Be charming to our guests.
- Where's Miss Holt? - She had some errands to run.
Has she forgotten this is an office in which we conduct business? Ho, ho, ho.
- He's getting paid 25 bucks an hour? - That's the going rate, chief.
Christmas doesn't hold any special memories for you, does it? What the hell is going on here? This is the most bizarre Christmas Eve I've ever spent.
Merry Christmas.
Wait a minute.
Let me fill that glass for you.
- Uh, who made the eggnog, Mildred? - I did.
- From my mother's recipe.
- Oh.
Apparently Mom was a teetotaler.
- From my mother's recipe.
- Oh.
Apparently Mom was a teetotaler.
A little bit light on the rum.
We wouldn't want to send anyone home half-gassed.
Well, I'll just finish this up and be on my horse.
Judith and the young ones await.
Thanks for stopping by, Jack.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry, merry.
Boss? Come on out and join the fun.
- It's obscene, Mildred.
- What is? I tried to play tennis this morning.
It was too hot.
Well, yeah.
It is a little warm for December.
Ninety-seven degrees is more than a little warm.
Ninety-seven degrees on Christmas Eve is obscene.
There should be big fat snowflakes falling Jack Frost nipping at your heels.
Speaking of things nipping at your heels, where's Miss Holt? - She had some errands to run.
- What? It's a quarter past 4:00.
Has she forgotten this is an office in which we conduct business? We don't have any business to conduct.
This is "goodwill towards men" time.
Crime's on a holiday.
Well, even if a client did wander in here she would probably be trampled to death with all those freeloaders out there.
- Oh, I know what's the matter with you.
- Oh? Yeah.
You're grumpy 'cause you haven't done your Christmas shopping.
I am not grumpy.
As for not doing my Christmas shopping- You haven't done it.
Men always wait till the last minute.
Miss Holt did hers in August.
Probably bought us all mufflers.
Remington Steele Investigations.
Happy Holiday.
Merry Christmas, Mildred.
How's the open house going? - Oh, we're a smash- for the most part.
- Mmm.
- Is Mr.
Steele in? - Oh.
With bells on.
- Miss Holt.
- Oh.
Ah, the lost patrol! Hmm.
I'm on my way in.
Be charming to our guests.
It's the season to be jolly, you know.
Ho, ho, ho.
- I'll get you some eggnog.
- Whoopee.
- Here you go.
All right.
- I can't stay long.
I'd like you to meet Eva Wilson, chief.
She's our plant lady.
- I can't stay long.
- Ah, yes.
I know the feeling.
- Here's your eggnog, chief.
- Oh.
Thank you, Mildred.
I have to go out for a few minutes.
Okay, Mildred? - Bye-bye.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- Say, Steele.
- Yes? You wouldn't have anything to give this more Christmas spirit, would you? Miss Krebs is in charge of the spirit.
Okay? - Oh, Um- - Excuse me, will you? - I can't stay long.
- Okay.
- Mr.
Steele? - Yes? - Allison Greene.
- Oh, hello.
Cohen, Campbell and Carstairs on 22.
Oh, yes! Of course! Excellent attorneys.
We're an advertising agency.
I'm sorry.
I got my Cohens confused.
Well, it's always delightful to meet one's neighbors.
I suggest you talk with the plant lady.
She can't stay long.
- Psst.
How are your feet? - Mm-hmm? Hmm? My feet? Dr.
Wilson Scabbard- on eight.
- A pleasure to meet you, Dr.
- I am a podiatrist and I couldn't help noticing, but you seem to be favoring your left foot.
What is it? Corn? Bunion? Ingrown toenail? New shoes.
"There's language in her eye, her cheek, her lip.
Her foot speaks.
" Do you know who said that? No, but I'm sure I'm gonna find out.
Troilus and Cressida- act 4, scene 5.
"Feets don't fail me now.
" You know who said that? I can't say that I do.
Charlie Chan's chauffeur.
Shanghai Cobra.
Monogram, 1945.
I've always felt those words to live by.
Good day, sir.
Oh, boy.
Ho, ho, ho.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Pardon my French, but where the hell have you been? You were supposed to be here at 2:00.
It's after 4:00.
- Shut up.
- Hey, mind your mouth, buster.
I'm not paying 25 bucks an hour for a surly Santa.
- He's getting paid 25 bucks an hour? - That's the going rate, chief.
- You Steele? - Have some eggnog, Santa.
I'm sure it'll cheer you up.
- What's your hurry, pal? - Business appointment.
Stick around, pal.
The party's just getting started.
Not with you, it isn't.
Go back to your reindeer and sit on an antler.
Sit on this! - Ooh! - Mildred! Mild- You want the next dance, pal? Hey, which way's the Remington Steele office? You're a little late, aren't you? Weren't you supposed to be here at 2:00? Come on.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
How's the party going? - Donner? - Dancer.
- Prancer? - Right.
- Everything taken care of? - Just like you told me.
What's going on? Why is Santa holding a gun? I haven't found out yet.
I told them I can't stay long.
I haven't finished my rounds.
Oh, yes.
My, my.
Look at the time.
Kiddies are waiting for me.
I, uh- I have to decorate the tree and all that.
Christmas Eve, you know.
- They'll be wondering what happened to Daddy.
- One more step and they'll be reading about what happened to Daddy.
Is this a robbery? Because if it is, I have nothing.
I have absolutely nothing of value.
Oh, this isn't a real Cartier watch.
No, no.
It's a knock-off.
Like they make in Hong Kong.
- Donner? - Prancer? No, no.
I'm Prancer.
He's Dancer.
- Did you make your deliveries? - Right on schedule.
Aah! Damn silencer.
It throws off your aim, you know? You're lucky, pop.
I was trying to hit you in the gut.
Lock it.
Let me get this straight.
We're being held prisoner by a bunch of Santas? You got it, pretty face.
- What now? - We wait.
What exactly are we waiting for, gentlemen? Blitzen.
You know what to look for.
- Okay, sit yourself down.
- Easy.
- There you go.
All right? - Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, it doesn't look too serious.
The bullet only grazed the foot.
- All right.
- There you go.
It is kind of ironic though.
- What? Wh-What's ironic? - A podiatrist being shot in the foot.
I- I don't find it to be ironic.
I find it to be very painful.
- You really put your foot in it that time, Laura, eh? Wh-What kind of confidence are my patients gonna have in me if they see me walking around with a limp, huh? Mmm.
Without appearing to pry, Prancer- - Donner.
- Sorry.
You all look alike under those beards.
Well, that's the general idea.
Uh, Christmas Eve- The city's lousy with Santas.
- Nobody looks twice.
- I should have gone straight home.
I don't even celebrate Christmas.
It's not fair.
It's not fair- getting shot on a holiday that you don't even celebrate.
I got a good mind to sue you.
After all, this happened on your premises.
It's your legal responsibility.
What makes you think you're gonna be alive to sue anybody? What? Wh-What do you mean? Look, I can't afford to die.
Not now.
I just opened up a branch office in Encino.
I'm very highly regarded in my field.
I have been called "The Podiatrist to the Stars.
" - All right.
Where is it? - What? Your hardware.
This may sound lame but we have trouble locating it ourselves sometimes.
You can't kill me.
Who would take over my practice? I'm a one-man office.
- Find any? - Uh-uh.
Well, Dancer says to keep looking.
Let me tell you for your own good- Come up with the hardware.
Now, Dancer likes to use that gun.
You saw what he did to the doc.
Give him an excuse, and he'll do worse to all of you.
- Could be in the reception.
- Hey, stay put.
! You go.
Dancer likes to look at pretty girls.
This is the most bizarre Christmas Eve I've ever spent.
- Mmm.
- Oy! Yeah.
Well, uh, perhaps I can assist you in here, eh? - Where are you going? - You want the agency gun? It might be out here.
Why don't you sit down take some weight off those lovely ankles of yours.
You look, Brunhilde.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I get some more eggnog? My throat's parched.
You're gonna drown it.
It's dying! Don't you understand? It needs food and water and sunshine.
It shouldn't be locked away here in this florescent dungeon.
What are you, one of those hippies? You got a peace sign tattooed on your butt? A plant's a living, breathing thing.
It's all right, Eva.
It's all right.
Everything's going to be fine.
Come on.
Hey, Eggnog? You one of them peaceniks too? No.
I'm just a stockbroker.
Was you in the army? Um-Actually, no.
I was 4F.
I had rheumatic fever as a child.
I bet you had a note from your doctor.
- Were you in the service? - Yeah.
See any action? Enough.
Enough to get a Silver Star.
They don't just hand them around, you know.
You got to waste a lot of slugs to get a Silver Star.
I have had just about enough of this.
Now, my secretary knows I'm down here and if I don't return, he's going to get very suspicious.
You got a guy for a secretary? Oh, sure.
We're an equal opportunity employer.
You see? The world is upside down.
A broad who's a dick.
A guy who's a secretary.
Somebody ought to drop the bomb so we can start all over again.
! - Clean as a whistle.
- Okay, Dancer, drop your gun or I swear I'll let Prancer have it.
- I'm Donner.
- You drop him, I drop you.
Or I might just blast right through him.
- And then when he goes down- - Hey, come on, Dancer! Shut up! Now, either way I'm gonna use you for target practice, Brunhilde.
Get up.
Get up.
Move, move.
Go ahead, pretty boy.
Take your best shot.
You get me before I get you, all these nice people can go home.
Do it, Steele! Pull the trigger.
! What's the matter, pretty boy? Ain't any of these slugs worth dying for? - No.
- Boss! Kick it over here.
Oh, don't blame yourself, chief.
I don't know what anyone would have done in that situation.
Perhaps it was more of a risk than you think, Mildred.
I found them in my office.
You mean the gun wasn't loaded? You knew that all the time? I could have gotten my head blown off for nothing.
Well, maybe I can find a use for these later.
What do you think they want? One thing's for certain- They chose this building for a reason.
And they want me.
Where is Blitzen? Huh? When are we getting on with this thing? Relax.
Everything's moving right on schedule.
What schedule? You're the only one who knows the schedule.
You know, if you look hard enough there's a silver lining in every cloud.
Oh, yeah? What's yours? Well, I'm here.
And Judith's in Sherman Oaks.
Do you know that for the past 13 years that harpy's told me how to decorate the tree? "The star is crooked, Jack.
Watch the lights, Jack.
"Don't let them touch the carpet, Jack.
Do you want to start a fire, Jack?" Yeah, you're damn right I want to start a fire- under her.
Here's to captivity.
Long may it last.
I like you, Eggnog.
Even if you are one of those dirty draft dodgers.
Oh, I wanted to go, desperately.
But the old ticker- What could I do? What every other smart guy did- stay home and rake in the bread while I was up to my elbows in slime.
Answer it.
Remington Steele Investigations.
Happy holidays.
It's the shrew of Sherman Oaks.
He left.
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Jack left hours ago.
Sir? May I please be excused? I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm going to embarrass myself if I don't get to the bathroom.
I thought you flower children let it all hang out.
Why don't you go behind a plant, like we had to do in the jungle? There's a bathroom in my office.
No windows.
No way out.
She's relentless.
She'll call back every 15 seconds.
She's probably terrified I'm having a good time.
I told you, Mrs.
There's no one he- - It's for him.
- Take it.
Steele here.
Albert Hastings? He owns the building.
Yes, Mr.
Ye- Uh- Um, by any chance, did you deliver a Christmas present to Mr.
Hastings in my name? Tell him to shut up and look out his window.
Um, nothing personal, Mr.
Hastings but could you shut up and look out the window? Yes, sir, that's what I said.
Shut up and look out the window.
He says he's gonna break our lease.
Never wanted a private investigator in here in the first place.
They attract the wrong sort of people to his building.
Hmm? - He's at the window.
- What does he see? What do you see? He sees this building.
Tell him to keep watching.
The advice I get is to keep watching.
Read that to him.
Uh, I've just been handed a note to read to you.
"Unless I receive $2 million "with nonconsecutive serial numbers "by 7:00 tomorrow morning "your building will be blown up one floor at a time.
" Merry Christmas, everybody.
May we all live to see the new year.
Doesn't make sense.
There's nothing stirring out there.
Not a- Not a car or person- nothing.
That wasn't exactly a firecracker that went off.
Doesn't anybody know what's going on around here? The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.
- What? - Walter Matthau, Robert Shaw.
United Artists, 1974.
We're all gonna die like dogs, and he's talking about a movie? Movies often help Mr.
Steele clarify a situation.
That is what you're doing, isn't it? Four men take a subway train hostage.
They demand ransom, or they'll kill all the passengers.
Only problem is, once they get the money, how do they get away in a subway? The train's movement is electronically charted from up above.
What are you guys talking about? - Subway trains.
- Ah.
It seems our captors are in much the same predicament.
The explosion draws the police the police seal off the building.
How do the Santas get out? Perhaps Blitzen holds the key to that.
Hmm? Well, I'm in no mood to sit around and wait for him to make fools of us.
Dancer has a gun.
Two actually.
Might be helpful to learn if the other Santas are armed.
One way to find out.
Um- That, uh, little escapade with the gun didn't lower your estimation of me, did it? In my opinion both you and Mildred were far too reckless.
This is crazy.
- Sit.
- This is cruel and inhuman and crazy! Why are you doing this to us? Why are you keeping us here? What do you want? - Sit down! - I can't sit down! I can't stand it anymore! The heat, the fear- Oh, please.
! Please! Please let us go! Please! We won't tell anyone.
We promise.
We swear! - Please! - Lady- Lady, I'm not too happy about things myself.
Now don't make it any worse! - He's clean.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Well, it, uh- It worked once.
I don't think Prancer's gonna go for an encore.
Perhaps I can enlist Mildred.
I need a drink.
Can I get something to drink? Yeah.
And bring me one too.
Judy! Shh, shh, shh.
She's not a bad woman.
She's not mean intentionally.
She doesn't even know that she's nagging me to death.
Shejust wants the best for me and the kids.
She stays at home.
Cooks- and cleans.
There's always a fresh pie in the oven.
Does the kids' homework for them.
Oh, God! I miss her! I liked you better when you didn't.
Oh, please.
Let me call her.
Let me tell her how much I love her.
She deserves to hear that.
I haven't said that to her in five years.
I'm sorry, Eggnog.
Gotta keep the lines open.
Oh, Judith! How can I make this up to you? Hey.
You really want to do something for your old lady? - Oh, yes.
- Yeah? Come here.
How much insurance you got? Why? One pill.
Back of the head.
A great Christmas present.
Every time she spends a dime, she thinks of you.
I don't love her that much.
Put a lid on it, will you? Hey, you! Girlie, shut up! I'm not here.
I'm in a green space.
The sun is warm on my face.
A cool breeze rippling my hair.
Peace and contentment far away from this foul, vicious place.
Leave her alone.
She's a flower child- filled with peace and love for all mankind.
Ain't that right, Dipsy? Hey! I bet you used to run around sticking flowers in guns, huh? If I had a gun now, I know where I'd stick it.
You see, it don't take much to push even the most peaceful soul over the edge.
I bet you enjoy that.
Don't you? Pushing people over the edge? - Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
- Yeah, well, mine ain't dying! Look.
We're trapped in here.
Any minute, they'll come blasting through the doors.
This isn't what I signed on for.
Then what did you sign on for, Donner? Prancer.
I'm Prancer, for God sakes! Sorry.
He said all I had to do was sit on some people for a few hours I walk away with five grand.
Five grand on Christmas ain't nothin' to sneeze at.
I've been out of work for eight months.
They cut off my unemployment.
My kids- They walk around with newspapers in their shoes like it's a damn depression or something.
I don't care about the dough now.
I just want to walk away with my skin.
You know, I had a lieutenant like you in my outfit once.
Fragged him.
The joint is probably crawling with cops.
At least, give me a piece.
You got two.
I don't even got a penknife.
Careful you don't shoot off a vital organ.
Now they're both armed.
Not really.
The agency gun doesn't have any bullets in it.
Boss has 'em.
Did he know that when he had the gun? Mm-hmm.
He saved my life.
Quite an actor, our Mr.
Tell them you have to go to the bathroom.
But I don't have to go to the bathroom.
What's the matter with you? - I have to go to the bathroom.
- I'll help him.
You know, now that we're here, I think I do have to go.
I'm gonna try and maneuver Prancer out of the room.
- D-Donner.
That one is Donner.
- Whoever it is once I get him out, build a fire in the waste basket.
It has to be absolutely white-hot, so use as much paper as you can possibly find.
- Then throw these in.
- What for? If we're living right, they should explode hopefully diverting Dancer long enough for me to get his gun.
I- I don't think I could do that.
Ordinary men in extraordinary situations often find courage they never knew they had.
I think you're that kind of man, Doctor.
And if that appeal doesn't sway you then think of your branch office in Encino.
Give me the bullets.
- He's all right? - Yeah, sure.
It's just nerves like the rest of us.
Shall we see what's keeping Miss Holt with those drinks? I don't know how I got roped into this.
Well, that's not true.
I wanted the money.
Think you'll live to spend it? I wanted it to hire a lawyer.
I- I go to trial next week.
You know, a little job that went sour.
Three years in the slammer don't look so bad right now.
You could help us.
And go against Dancer? - I'll take my chances with the cops.
- Hmm.
Yeah? Well, it took you guys long enough to get here.
Hey, hold on to your pants.
He'll be out in a minute.
You go talk to the guys in blue.
Let them know how serious we are.
And tell them to make way for Blitzen.
- Steele? - What are you doing to my building? Now march back in there and tell those hoodlums that the authorities take a very dim view of the destruction of private property.
- What about the people in there? - Oh, well.
Them too, of course.
- How many hostages? - Seven, including me.
- Then there's Dancer, Donner, and Prancer.
- Reindeer? - Code names.
They're all dressed up as Santas.
- How apropos.
Only one's armed.
He's the most dangerous.
The bomb squad's going through the building now.
So far, nothing.
You want to have them check anything wrapped as Christmas presents.
A Santa delivering Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve wouldn't arouse any suspicions.
How the hell do they expect to get out of here? They're waiting for another Santa- Blitzen.
He's the one with the escape plan.
- So send him through.
- What about tear gas? First whiff, and he'll shoot anything that moves.
- All right.
We'll come up with something.
- Come up with two million.
I made a few phone calls first to see if my insurance covers this sort of- I don't care about your insurance company, Mr.
The one in there that they call Dancer is a road company Rambo.
If he doesn't get the money, everyone's gonna be a casualty.
Do you understand? If I have to take it to the Supreme Court, I am going to break your lease! Oh, damn it, doc.
It's not loaded.
- I have to get out of here! - Oh, no.
! - Ahh.
- Ahh.
I'd love to splatter that pretty face all over this room.
Hey, Steele, how did I do? One blink, one twitch, one sneeze that I don't know about and none of you people are gonna be around to read what a terrifying time you had.
Blitzen! Thank God! I'm sorry I'm late, but what the hell? The party's still going on.
- Blitzen? - Felix Cradle.
I wanna- I wanna ask you a question.
What's goin' on here? I know I'm a little bit late- but is that any reason to hire three Santa Clauses? Besides, I have been entertaining kids all afternoon and I needed a little something to steady my nerves.
Hey! Lighten up.
Didn't anybody tell you it's Christmas Eve? Boy, this is one tough room.
Any word from Hastings? Christmas was always one of my favorite holidays.
It was the one day in the year where everyone seemed to get along with everyone else.
Even my mother.
And my father- He'd always give me a box of Parlaits.
What's that? Candy.
- It's my favorite candy in the whole world.
- Oh.
Christmas doesn't hold any special memories for you, does it? I remember one.
I saw this father and his son- They were walking in the snow, hand in hand.
The boy was about my age- He had a sled, and- I don't know why- I followed them.
I told myself it was for the sled.
I was gonna snatch it from the boy, sell it for a couple quid see if I could buy myself a place to kip that night.
But that wasn't it at all.
I just wanted to see- What? They went up the steps.
Small house.
Nothing fancy.
If I hung over the railings, I could look into the front room.
There was a Christmas tree.
Not a lot.
People smiling.
All warm and - loving.
- What did you do? Threw a rock through the window and ran like hell.
Oh, dear.
One Flexible Flyer, coming up.
I made some fresh coffee.
Hey, Eggnog, what time you got? Twenty to 7:00.
One way or another, won't be long now.
I want a baby! Uh, just one more, Jake.
I got to entertain some idiots in Century City.
I know what you're thinking.
"Allison Greene's got it made.
She's the perfect woman of the '80s.
" And why shouldn't you? I do all the correct '80s things.
I read Cosmo, shop Bloomingdale's, drive a Beemer.
So you tell me.
Can any of you tell me why am I so unfulfilled? Why do I feel so empty so meaningless? I was going to work at home today.
Christmas day! I was going to eat my 300-calorie frozen Noodles Romanoff and try to come up with a new way to sell feminine hygiene products to people who don't want them- and don't need them! I'm warm, loving.
I want to give- nurture something that has some meaning in life.
Something worthwhile.
And now I'm gonna die before I even have the chance.
I want a baby.
Come over here, sweetie.
I think I can help you out.
All right, men.
Saddle up.
Well, children, looks like we all get a free trip to the promised land.
Yeah? Well, you got in just under the wire, pal.
The money's here.
You-You go get it.
Me? Why me? I don't want to go out there.
I'll go.
I was the one who established contact with them.
She goes.
My purse! Everything I own is in it! Don't! No! Don't shoot! Please don't shoot! Okay.
We got the dough.
Now how do we get out of here with it? Huh? That was Blitzen's end.
Wasn't it? How was he gonna do it? Plastic explosives.
Tie 'em to the slugs.
Pressure-point detonators-you know, like hand grenades without a pin.
The cops drop us-They blow sky-high.
Change of plans seems to be in order here, doesn't it? Come on, Dancer.
You're running this operation.
- Give us our marching orders.
- Wait a minute.
I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
Oh, come on.
Give it up, mate.
The string's run out.
You know, I- I hope you like Santa.
Yeah, pretty boy.
'Cause it's the last thing you're ever gonna see.
Answer it! Laura Holt.
- What? - What is it? Eva said she was instructed to take the money down to the lobby.
What? I didn't tell her to do that! She was supposed to bring the money back here.
What the hell is goin' on here? Remote controlled detonator.
She set off the explosion when she went into the bathroom.
When the money arrives, select the plant lady no matter how much she protests.
Is that Blitzen? Well, why record something you're going to say on the telephone? Unless- When the money arrives select the plant lady, no matter how much she protests.
You'd record it so you can change the speed of the tape to sound like something you're not- a man.
She's Blitzen.
Steele here.
Hmm? She never reached the lobby.
For your information, Captain, the little lady with the $2 million is also the author of this Kafkaesque drama.
Keep in touch.
Hmm? Okay.
They're starting a floor-by-floor search.
You've been had, pal.
She never intended for any of you to escape.
But how is she gonna do it? I mean, there is a sea of blue down there.
- That's it.
- That's it.
Put it down.
- She'll get away.
- I want her to.
If it's the last thing I do I am going to hunt her down and then I'm going to squeeze that two million out of her, penny by penny.
Hello, Sweetie.
Now let's you and me see if those No! Okay.
One blink, one twitch one sneeze I don't know about, and you'll be home for Christmas in a box.
Nicely put, Mildred.
Mildred, call the lobby.
Tell them what to look for.
- Remington Steele! - I'm with him.
How are your instincts? - Same as yours.
- Let's go.
You know, all things considered, it wasn't such a bad Christmas party.
I wouldn't mind making it an annual event.
But next year, I'm gonna bring Judith.
Good, good.
Take care, Jack.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- What's this? - That's my bill.
But don't worry.
Since I was late, I only charged you for the time I actually spent here.
Well, I have some things to clean up in my office.
- Still going to work today? - Not on your life.
I'm going upstairs to type my resignation.
There's a whole world out there that has nothing to do with deodorant.
Thank the good Lord.
Merry Christmas.
- Take care, Allison.
- Bye-bye.
- Joyeux Noël.
- Feliz Navidad.
Merry Christmas, everyone.