Robot Chicken s11e17 Episode Script

May Cause an Excess of Ham

1 It's alive! Ghost Rider, the tribe has spoken.
Oh, damn you all to hell.
Listen up, you little brats.
Your antics at recess have been entirely too wild, zany, and satirical.
So today I brought in a guest to scare you straight.
- Mr.
- Holy whomps, that guy is jacked.
I had a lot of time to work out when I was in the big house.
Whoa, you were in prison? I sure was.
Locked up in a cage, no say in what I eat, only allowed outside for an hour a day.
In prison, you get a whole hour of recess every day?! Galileo, how much more recess is that than our current amount of recess? Approximately 319 more hours of recess per year.
Wow! Prison is like recess heaven! Ooh, let's do some crimes so that we can all go to prison! - Yeah! - Yeah! Anarchy! Please don't tell my parole officer about this.
Goodnight, moon.
Goodnight, cow leaping over the moon.
Goodnight, clock.
Goodnight, painting.
Goodnight, wall.
Goodnight, rug.
Goodnight, crumbs on the floor.
Will you just shut up and go the hell to sleep?! Damn it, every night we go through this! You live in an apartment complex! Have some common courtesy, my God! Oh, you guys look more depressed than me, - a famously depressed donkey.
- Oh, Eeyore, it's horrible.
Melancholia's going to destroy us all.
Oh, yeah.
Too bad they don't make SSRis for stuffed animals.
No, the rogue planet Melancholia that's headed straight for Earth.
Well, that's just wonderful.
But we're all gonna d-d-die! I do not mourn the Hundred Acre Wood.
All I've known here is the misery of having a tail that will not stay on and a house that refuses to stand up.
Let us embrace death together, my friends.
- Oh, bother, that's bleak.
- Ohhh.
Oh, dear! - What happened? - It must have burnt up on entry.
We're saved! Oh, [bleep.]
We can now confirm reports that Princess Diana has died today in a motor vehicle accident.
Diana may be dead, but her legacy will live on through me, the Princess Diana Beanie Baby.
I can't believe I finally got my braces off! Oh, my God.
Braceface, what are we gonna call you if you don't have braces anymore? - Just Face? - You're right.
Without my braces, who am I? Help me, Maria! Ow, ow, ow! I'm back, baby.
Call my dentist.
Mama needs some fresh mouth metal.
Oh, Alita, it's so neato Dr.
Ido let me join you to eat-o.
I'm a great cook, if I do say so myself.
Oh, Hugo, that looks good.
Wait, are these my contact lenses? These things are 300 space bucks a pair, you scrap scavenger! If you give a mouse a cookie, he will accept it.
If he accepts a cookie, he will get spammed.
If he gets spammed, he will be asked to buy penis enlargement pills.
If he buys penis enlargement pills, he will grow a super dong .
If he grows a super dong, he will get a job doing weird fetish porn.
If you get a job doing weird fetish porn, he will get discovered by a sleazy Hollywood producer.
If he gets noticed by a sleazy Hollywood producer, he will transition into legitimate movies.
If he transitions into legitimate movies, audiences will be grossed out by his giant dong.
If audiences are grossed out by his giant dong, he will be blacklisted from Hollywood.
If he is blacklisted from Hollywood, he won't have money to spend on penis enlargement pills.
If he doesn't have money to spend on penis enlargement pills, his giant dong will shrivel up and fall off.
And if his giant dong shrivels up and falls off, then a bird will think it's a worm.
And if a bird thinks it's a wor What do you mean, they canceled our show, T-Bone? We're the Extreme Dinosaurs.
No one wants to watch a group of ripped dinosaurs fight crime when there's already ripped Street Sharks that fight crime.
And don't forget ripped Mutant Ninja Turtles that fight crime.
The jacked Biker Mice from Mars that fight crime.
Let's face it, boys, we're practically fossils.
I beg to differ.
John Hammond, paleontologist, theme park impresario, and subject of the world's first dinosaur-based class-action lawsuit.
I have an idea I think could benefit us both.
- His last idea went off without a hitch.
- Go on.
Believe me, their dinosaur bods are the only thing that are Jurassic.
I'm talking about their penises.
Huge [bleep.]
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Give me my rent money.
Honestly, this is way more fulfilling then fighting crime.
Yeah, I definitely like being paid for my body.
I have a dollar bill up my butthole.
- Jinkies! - Zoinks! - Roinks! - Bingo-bango! - Alakazam! - Dude.
- Did you two just try to use exclamatory catchphrases? You guys are always doing them, so we thought why not try it? But, like, dude, that's our thing.
Jesus, you guys are the hot fun.
We're the awkward ones.
- Our catchphrases are all we have.
- Yeah.
And "Bingo-bango"? "Alakazam"? - Come on, man.
- Reave it to the pros.
We can come up with something better.
I don't know.
Aah! - Jinkies! - Zoinks! - Roinks! - Gunky-bunky! - Daddy issues! Uh, Daph, did you just yell "daddy issues"? I'm bad at improv, okay?! - Zoinks! - Roly ruck! - It's the Old Town Spook! Jinkies! - Huh.
Bazinga! No, that's "The Big Bang Theory.
" Uh, Daph? Daphne! No! Those two should really just stick to being hot.
Why are we stampeding? So, Ralph's kid yelled hyena again, and all of a sudden, Shirley just took off stampeding.
Shirley's always stampeding.
Take a Xanax, Shirley, honest to God.
Help me, brother! Aaah! Bill, I think we just ran over a full-grown lion.
No, it was a rock.
If that was a rock, then why is my hoof covered in brains? Maybe the lion was carrying an extra brain? I don't know.
Oh, no! Oh, we should see if he's okay.
You just hoof-stomped his skull.
Do you think he's okay? Just keep going! We should at least leave a note.
It's common courtesy.
Alright, merging right.
Get out of my way.
Get Let me over.
Father! Huh? Well, at least they left a note.
That's common courtesy.
Are you sure we don't need to pack everything up for the movers? Apparently, this place does it all.
Come on in.
- Okay.
- Oh, okay.
Watch where you're going.
If you Easy.
Watch the wall.
Please not the baby! Aah! - Those were wedding presents.
- That was my mother's.
- What the [bleep.]
, Ryan? - I had a promo code! Everyone, listen.
The people of St.
Olaf are in trouble, and they need our help.
Gosh, that reminds me of a time in St.
Of course it does, Rose, because it takes place in St.
If we agree to help, will you spare us the long and detailed story? Absolutely.
Just don't forget your oxygen masks.
- Why? - Because St.
Olaf is in space.
Now, those details we could have used.
How are we just now hearing this? Actually, if you listen, the seeds were planted.
Olaf had a black hole on Main Street.
Everyone in town would gather and stare at it.
In St.
Olaf, the Fenderhooven rocket sure was a beaut.
My birth certificate says I was born in St.
Oh, yeah, that last one proves nothing.
Unless I had my finger over the "AR" in "star.
" I'd like to have my finger over your windpipe.
We're like those old-timer space cowgirls.
Although I can tell you firsthand, it isn't nearly as exciting as reverse space cowgirl.
Rose, how did we never notice - a Fenderhooven rocket in the garage? - With a tarp over it, everyone assumed it was one of Blanche's dildos.
All my tarped dildos are in the basement.
We should be exiting the black hole any minute now.
Oh, honey, that's low-hanging fruit.
Ma, you wandered off again.
You're not supposed to get out of your seat.
Listen here, big fella.
This rocket isn't the only thing that needs to release its undercarriage.
Somebody tell me what are those giant pods in the back there? Giant pods? Oh, yeah.
I assumed Blanche was harvesting her eggs.
You see? I thought this ship had a case of hemorrhoids.
Whoa! Wish I could say this was a first.
Rose, what did you say the problem was on St sorry, Star Olaf? Oh, they're being colonized by an alien species that is incubating their babies inside humans.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Rose, enough about Earth.
Just tell us what happened! Well, as you know, Dorothy took down the mother alien all by herself.
Blanche volunteered to be impregnated with all the eggs, saving our people from being hosts.
And Sophia I met a robot named Bob in the black hole, whom she wound up marrying.
Say, whatever happened to the studio audience? Oh, they got sucked into the black hole and died.
Triumphant laughter.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.

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