Rocko's Modern Life (1993) s01e12 Episode Script
Who's for Dinner?/Love Spanked
1
( buzzing and chirping )
( chuckling )
GOOD AS NEW.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
SPUNKY!
SPUNKY!
( screaming )
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE. ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
( laughing )
THAT WAS A HOOT!
THAT'S GREAT, MUM.
IT'S GOOD TO TALK TO YOU TOO.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE, MUM.
\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW, SPUNKY,
IT'S GOOD TO BE ON ME OWN
\h\h\h\hBUT SOMETIMES
I STILL MISS ME FAMILY.
LOOK HERE, SPUNKY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A PHOTO
\h\h\h\hOF AUNT MATILDA IN HERE.
SHE LOVED RUNNY CHEESES
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND HOCKEY.
SHE USED TO GO ON AND ON
ABOUT HER FOOT FUNGUS.
AND UNCLE BARNEY
\h\h\h\hWHY, HE HASN'
CHANGED A LICK IN YEARS.
AH, SPUNKY, IT MAKES ME
\h\h\h\hALL MISTY-EYED.
( doorbell chimes )
HI, HEF.
WHAT'S UP?
ROCKO, WOULD YOU, UM
UM COME TO MY PARENTS' HOUSE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR DINNER?
SURE, HEF.
REALLY?
OF COURSE.
THAT'S GREAT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND A RIDE.
ROCKO, THERE'S ONE THING
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
MY GRANDPA HATES WALLABIES
BUT DON'T WORRY
'CAUSE HE'S REALLY
NEARSIGHTED.
( door creaking )
HEFFER!
WELCOME HOME, SON!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, HEFFER,
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, MOM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSAY HELLO
TO YOUR BROTHER, KIDS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO.
HELLO.
YOUR FATHER'S INSIDE
WATCHING THE GAME.
COME ON, COME ON!
WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?
WHAT KIND OF MOVE WAS THAT?
COME ON, GET HIM! GET HIM!
HE'S RIGHT THERE!
( growling )
\h\h\h\hMOM, THIS IS
MY BEST FRIEND, ROCKO.
HE'S A WA
HE'S A COYOTE.
( sniffing )
NOW, GRANDPA
THAT'S NOT POLITE.
( gasping )
A GIFT?!
HOW DELIGHTFUL!
OH, YOU WON'T LIKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT BACK.
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
OH, I'M SURE IT'S DELIGHTFUL.
I'M SURE IT'S
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
AN UDDER WARMER.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
LET'S GO TO THE DEN.
A COYOTE, HUH?
AH, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
I CAN SMELL A BEAVER
FROM 30 MILES AWAY.
BEAVER!
SO, SON
HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
I QUIT SCHOOL TWO YEARS AGO.
WHAT?!
WE WERE, UH, AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HE'D GET MAD.
( growling )
STOP FIGHTING.
I CAN'T
TAKE IT!
NO ONE'S FIGHTING, DEAR.
SOUNDS LIKE FIGHTING TO ME.
YOU'RE A LOSER.
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE HEFFER?
WHAT, A 600-POUND COW?
HE'S NOT A COW!
HE'S A STEER!
STOP IT!
NO ONE'S FIGHTING, DEAR.
I'VE GOT TO PRACTICE.
BE BACK FOR DINNER.
YEAH, YEAH.
( growling )
\h\h\h\hVIRGINIA, THAT KID
IS TURNING MY HAIR WHITE.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
THAT'S A TOUPEE.
IT IS NOT!
OH, GREAT.
NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GET A NEW ONE.
( horn honks )
THAT'S MY RIDE.
( screaming )
VIRGINIA!
WE WERE AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HE'D HAVE A COW.
NO OFFENSE, HEFFER.
HE'S A STEER!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
SOME HOME MOVIES, JOCKO?
OR MAYBE YOU'D RATHER
JUST BUILD A DAM!
OH, NO, THANKS.
HOME MOVIES WOULD BE FINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
OH, HEFFER WAS ALWAYS
\h\h\h\hA FUSSY EATER.
Dad:
MORON!
HEY!
OH, DON'T SHOW THIS PART.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
OH, THIS IS HEFFER'S
FIFTH BIRTHDAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDad:
THREE LAWSUITS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
( raspberry )
THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.
( giggling )
HEY, ARE WE GOING
TO EAT OR WHAT?
EVERYONE GET YOUR SEATS.
DINNER'S READY.
MY SEAT! MY SEAT!
MY SEAT!
DINNER IS PREPARED.
I HOPE YOU'RE NO
LETTING THE BEAVER
EAT OFF THE GOOD CHINA.
OTHERWISE, WE'LL HAVE
TO SMASH THE PLATES.
OKAY, LET'S EAT.
OKAY, WHOSE TURN IS I
TO FEED GRANDPA?
I DID IT LAST TIME.
NO, I DID.
SON, I BELIEVE IT'S YOUR TURN.
FINE.
( grunting )
HOW'S YOUR DINNER, GRANDPA?
AH, TASTES LIKE WOLF SPIT.
( inhaling )
( wheezing )
DON'T YOU LIKE
YOUR DINNER, CROCKO?
( pop )
OUR FOOD'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE BEAVER, HUH?
WELL, YOU BETTER GO
BACK TO THE ZOO
'CAUSE WE DON'T GOT ANY
OF THAT FANCY-SCHMANCY
SLOP HERE.
MAY I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
SORRY. WRONG DOOR.
( muffled grunting )
SO, ROCKO, YOU AND HEFFER
HAVE BEEN FRIENDS A LONG TIME?
OH, YES, AND IT'S
QUITE INTERESTING.
IN ALL THE YEARS I'VE KNOWN HIM
HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME
HE WAS ADOPTED.
( rhythmic thumping )
( tube belching air )
IS THAT TRUE?!
WELL, YES, HONEY.
WE FOUND YOU UNDER A TREE
IN BRANDEWINE FARMS.
YOU WERE SKINNY
SO WE DECIDED
TO FATTEN YOU UP
BUT THEN WE GREW
TO LOVE YOU.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BIRTHMARK?
NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY, HEFFER.
HEFFER-- IS THAT EVEN
MY REAL NAME?
DAD USED TO CALL YOU STEAK.
HEFFER, SIT DOWN
AND TALK TO ME.
I'M STILL YOUR FATHER.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!
YOU'RE JUST A JERK
IN WOLF'S CLOTHING!
( wailing )
( door slams )
WELL, I'M STUFFED.
I SAY WE EAT THE BEAVER.
\h\h\h\hGIVE ME ANOTHER
DOUBLE ORDER OF FRIES.
SORRY, PAL.
I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
\h\h\h\hI'LL TELL YOU
WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH
YOU GREASY PLATE JOCKEY!
( screaming )
HEY, DIJON.
YOW!
NO, THE BIGHEADS HAVEN'
SEEN HEFFER, EITHER.
( squeaking )
WHAT'S THAT?
OH.
AND THEY DON'T CARE.
I KNOW.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN
GET HIS PICTURE
ON SOME MILK CARTONS.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
\h\h\hHIS PICTURE IS
ON EVERY MILK CARTON.
LET'S GO FIND OUR SON.
( horns honking )
LOOK AWAY, HONEY.
NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.
( tires squealing )
( burping )
\h\h\h\hI WONDER WHA
MY REAL DAD WAS LIKE.
( fanfare playing
\hand crowd cheering )
\h\h\h\hAll:
PRAISE HEFFER.
( crowd cheering )
( honking )
( rooster crowing )
MY FATHER'S TOMBSTONE!
( wailing )
HEY, QUIT BAWLING.
D DAD?
YEAH, YEAH, YOU HEARD ME.
KNOCK OFF THE CRYING.
THAT'S NOT MY GRAVE.
I'M NOT DEAD.
I'M LIVING IN CANOGA PARK
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH JOYCE.
SAY HELLO.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU SHOULD VISIT SOMETIME.
MOM?!
THAT'S NOT YOUR MOM.
YOU MOM'S A CAR SEA
IN ILLINOIS.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?
I'M TIRED OF YOU KIDS
\h\h\h\hCOMING AROUND
LOOKING FOR YOUR DADDY.
I'VE HAD A MILLION KIDS
THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU--
( hawking: )
\h\h\h\hUGLY!
JOYCE, COME HERE
AND CLEAN UP AFTER ME.
I GUESS NO ONE LOVES ME.
( wailing )
( sniffling )
( trumpeting )
( Southern accent: )
HEY, AREN'T YOU THAT GUY
ON THE MILK CARTONS?
\h\h\h\hA FAMILY OF WOLVES
WAS BY HERE LOOKING FOR YOU.
SEEMED REAL UPSET.
\h\h\h\hMATTER OF FACT,
HAD A BEAVER WITH THEM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
HEFFER, YOU'RE BACK!
OH, HEFFER,
WHERE DID YOU GO?
I WENT LOOKING
FOR MY REAL FAMILY
BUT I FOUND OU
THAT YOU'RE MY REAL FAMILY
AFTER ALL.
SON COME HERE.
( grunts )
DAD, I'M A LITTLE FULL RIGHT NOW
SO I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD
WHAT, SUDDENLY
YOU'RE TOO GROWN UP
TO HUG YOUR OLD MAN?
COME HERE.
( gurgling )
( vomiting )
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDad:
SOMEBODY BETTER GET THE HOSE.
( howling )
( howling )
MOO!
MELBA.
HEY, ROCKO
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hROCK, ARE YOU
STILL LUSTING AFTER MELBA?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND NOW.
BOYFRIEND?
GEE, ROCK, I THOUGHT YOU HEARD.
HIS NAME IS DAVE.
IS HE HANDSOME?
YUP, AND A NICE GUY TOO.
\h\h\h\hLAST NIGHT,
HE BOUGHT EVERYBODY
A ROUND OF BURGERS
AT THE GRISTLE PALACE.
YOU GOT TO GET OVER
THIS MELBA THING, YOU KNOW?
GET OUT THERE
AND START DATING.
HMM
HEY! HOW ABOU
THE PERSONALS?
WE'LL WRITE YOU
A PERSONALS AD.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT WAY,
THE DATES COME TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW, HEF.
I THINK I'LL JUST WAI
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR MELBA.
Heffer:
NONSENSE. THERE'S PLENTY
OF FISH IN THE SEA.
Rocko:
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
\h\h\h\h"MARSUPIAL
WITH BIG, HAIRY CHES
"SEEKING FEMALE
WITH SAME.
"WILL SUCK THE FILLINGS
OUT OF YOUR TEETH
"IF YOU LET ME.
"I AM ADVENTUROUS
"AND WILL TRY
ANYTHING ONCE.
( gulping, burping,
\hand gagging )
TWICE IF YOU'RE LUCKY."
BUT, HEF, THAT ISN'
ANYTHING LIKE ME.
DETAILS. THE HARD PAR
IS GETTING
THE DATES.
THEN YOU'LL GROW ON EACH OTHER.
ROCKO!
PAY DIRT!
YOU'RE IN
DATE CITY NOW.
HOW DID I EVER LET YOU
TALK ME INTO THIS?
YOU KNOW I'M NO
VERY GOOD AT DATING.
I KNOW YOU'RE SKEPTICAL,
BUT I'LL SET YOU UP
SO YOU CANNOT FAIL.
( tires screeching )
( doorbell rings )
I I'M YOUR WILD STALLION
HERE TO WHISK YOU AWAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU MUST BE
MY LITTLE GIRL'S DATE.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU LAY ONE PAW
ON MY DAUGHTER
AND YOU'LL BECOME
MY PERSONAL TOOTHPICK!
YOU HEAR ME?
Female voice:
DADDY?
IS THAT MY DATE?
YES, DEAR.
NOW, YOU TWO RUN ALONG
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YES, SIR.
WE CERTAINLY WILL.
( giggling )
YOUR FATHER SEEMS LIKE
A REAL GREAT GUY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO?
UH, WELL, UH
HOW ABOUT I WALK YOU
BACK TO THE DOOR?
HOW ABOUT WE TRADE
MATH EQUATIONS, BABY?
( screaming )
WELL, ISN'T THIS
A TOUCHING MOMENT?
( Rocko yelling )
( bird tweeting )
CHECK.
( Rocko yelling,
\hdate trumpeting )
WELL, IF IT ISN'T MR. WONDERFUL.
( panting )
HEY, ROCK!
NO MORE PERSONALS.
I'VE GOT THE ANSWER.
LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT?
"WALLABIES WANTED
FOR THE LOVE SEAT SHOW?"
HEFFER, YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT I GO ON
THAT RIDICULOUS DATING SHOW
ARE YOU?
NO WAY!
COME ON.
GIVE IT A SHOT.
YOU PROBABLY
WON'T EVEN GET PICKED.
( teeth chattering )
LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTAN
FOR TODAY.
HE ENJOYS MAKING MODELS
OF THE TITANIC, JACKHAMMERING
AND CHOCOLATE
MAKES HIS HEAD SWELL.
LET'S GIVE A WARM
\hLOVE SEAT WELCOME
TO ROCKO.
YOU EVER PLAY
OUR GAME BEFORE?
GOOD.
WE'VE FED ALL YOUR
VITAL STATISTICS
INTO OUR COMPUTER.
THEN WE'VE TAKEN
CONTESTANTS
AND MATCHED THEM UP.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND
WE LET THE AUDIENCE PICK.
YOU GO OUT, COME BACK
TELL US HOW IT WENT.
YOU WITH ME?
GOOD! IT'S TIME NOW
FOR THE AUDIENCE
TO DECIDE YOUR FATE.
I MEAN DATE.
WILL IT BE
DATE NUMBER ONE,
DATE NUMBER TWO,
OR DATE NUMBER THREE?
AND THE STUDIO
AUDIENCE SAYS
( buzzer sounds )
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
BEFORE WE REVEAL
THE CANDIDATE SELECTED
LET'S INTRODUCE
THE TWO UNFORTUNATES NOT CHOSEN.
DATE NUMBER ONE,
DIANE
ONE OF OUR NATION'S
LEADING ROCKET SCIENTISTS
WHO IN HER SPARE TIME
ENJOYS BUNGEE JUMPING
INTO HOT WHIPPED CREAM.
YVONNE,
DATE NUMBER TWO.
A PULITZER PRIZE-
WINNING POE
YVONNE CLAIMS HER ONLY WEAKNESS
IS AN UNBEARABLE FETISH
FOR SHORT WALLABIES.
( moaning )
AND YOUR DATE
NOT ONLY LOVES
BUILDING MODELS
AND JACKHAMMERING
BUT IS CONTEN
JUST SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THE COUCH.
YOUR DATE HEFFER.
\h\h\h\hI'M SORRY
ABOUT THIS, ROCKO.
THE THIRD CONTESTAN
HAD TO DO A BIKINI CALENDAR
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPHOTO SHOO
AND THEY NEEDED
A STAND-IN.
( goofy laughing )
SO, HOW DID THE DATE GO?
HE WAS VERY COLD
HMM VERY QUIET,
AND EXTREMELY CHEAP.
VERY CHEAP.
WOULDN'T BUY ME A THING
AND THE WAY HE WAS DRESSED
WAS APPALLING.
FORGET ALL THOSE GOOFY DATES.
MELBA'S THE ONE FOR ME.
I GOT TO GO OVER THERE
AND GET UP THE NERVE
TO TALK TO HER.
OH, BOY.
EH. NOT TOO BAD.
MORNING, MELBA.
NAH. THAT'S NOT ME.
HMM
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE!!!
NAH.
I'VE JUST GOT TO BE MYSELF.
I'M NOT A BAD GUY.
I GOT A LOT GOING FOR ME.
YEAH. LOOK AT THAT.
YEAH, MELBA.
YEAH, MELBA.
YEAH, MELBA!
I'M GOING TO DO IT!
( doorbell rings )
ROCKO, I KNOW
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
HEFFER, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'M GOING TO MELBA'S
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU ARE? GREAT!
SHE'LL WANT TO MEET YOU
AFTER SHE READS THIS.
"I'M MADLY, HOPELESSLY,
AND DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
"LET ME DANCE IN YOUR LOVE CUPS
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND SERVE YOU TEA.
\h\h\h\h"FOREVER YOURS,
YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR
ROCKO?"
I LOVE
THE "LOVE CUPS" PART.
MELBA!!!
NO!!!
AAH!!!
THERE, THERE, ROCKO.
LOVE IS A TOUGH EMOTION.
YOU HAVE TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH YOUR INNER SELF.
NOW I'M GOING TO BUY
EVERYBODY SOME BURGERS
AT THE GRISTLE PALACE.
ROCKO, IS IT MORE DATES
\hYOU WANT, 'CAUSE I
NO! DON'T SAY IT.
GO FIND ANOTHER VICTIM
FOR YOUR DATING SCHEMES.
BUT--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEFFER, I WANT YOU
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOUT OF MY LIFE.
GEE.
( sniffing )
OKAY.
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
UH, IT'S OKAY, HEF.
I KNOW YOU WERE
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBESIDES,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES
THAT SHE'D EVEN SEE
A LITTLE AD
LIKE THAT?
AT LEAST IT WASN'
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GRAB A BITE TO EAT?
UH, GEE, UH
NO. WHY DON'T WE
JUST STAY INSIDE
AND PLAY CHECKERS?
( sheep bleating )
( buzzing and chirping )
( chuckling )
GOOD AS NEW.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
SPUNKY!
SPUNKY!
( screaming )
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE. ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
( laughing )
THAT WAS A HOOT!
THAT'S GREAT, MUM.
IT'S GOOD TO TALK TO YOU TOO.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE, MUM.
\h\h\h\hYOU KNOW, SPUNKY,
IT'S GOOD TO BE ON ME OWN
\h\h\h\hBUT SOMETIMES
I STILL MISS ME FAMILY.
LOOK HERE, SPUNKY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A PHOTO
\h\h\h\hOF AUNT MATILDA IN HERE.
SHE LOVED RUNNY CHEESES
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND HOCKEY.
SHE USED TO GO ON AND ON
ABOUT HER FOOT FUNGUS.
AND UNCLE BARNEY
\h\h\h\hWHY, HE HASN'
CHANGED A LICK IN YEARS.
AH, SPUNKY, IT MAKES ME
\h\h\h\hALL MISTY-EYED.
( doorbell chimes )
HI, HEF.
WHAT'S UP?
ROCKO, WOULD YOU, UM
UM COME TO MY PARENTS' HOUSE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR DINNER?
SURE, HEF.
REALLY?
OF COURSE.
THAT'S GREAT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND A RIDE.
ROCKO, THERE'S ONE THING
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
MY GRANDPA HATES WALLABIES
BUT DON'T WORRY
'CAUSE HE'S REALLY
NEARSIGHTED.
( door creaking )
HEFFER!
WELCOME HOME, SON!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, HEFFER,
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, MOM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSAY HELLO
TO YOUR BROTHER, KIDS.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHELLO.
HELLO.
YOUR FATHER'S INSIDE
WATCHING THE GAME.
COME ON, COME ON!
WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?
WHAT KIND OF MOVE WAS THAT?
COME ON, GET HIM! GET HIM!
HE'S RIGHT THERE!
( growling )
\h\h\h\hMOM, THIS IS
MY BEST FRIEND, ROCKO.
HE'S A WA
HE'S A COYOTE.
( sniffing )
NOW, GRANDPA
THAT'S NOT POLITE.
( gasping )
A GIFT?!
HOW DELIGHTFUL!
OH, YOU WON'T LIKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT BACK.
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
OH, I'M SURE IT'S DELIGHTFUL.
I'M SURE IT'S
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
AN UDDER WARMER.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
LET'S GO TO THE DEN.
A COYOTE, HUH?
AH, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
I CAN SMELL A BEAVER
FROM 30 MILES AWAY.
BEAVER!
SO, SON
HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
I QUIT SCHOOL TWO YEARS AGO.
WHAT?!
WE WERE, UH, AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HE'D GET MAD.
( growling )
STOP FIGHTING.
I CAN'T
TAKE IT!
NO ONE'S FIGHTING, DEAR.
SOUNDS LIKE FIGHTING TO ME.
YOU'RE A LOSER.
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE HEFFER?
WHAT, A 600-POUND COW?
HE'S NOT A COW!
HE'S A STEER!
STOP IT!
NO ONE'S FIGHTING, DEAR.
I'VE GOT TO PRACTICE.
BE BACK FOR DINNER.
YEAH, YEAH.
( growling )
\h\h\h\hVIRGINIA, THAT KID
IS TURNING MY HAIR WHITE.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DEAR.
THAT'S A TOUPEE.
IT IS NOT!
OH, GREAT.
NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GET A NEW ONE.
( horn honks )
THAT'S MY RIDE.
( screaming )
VIRGINIA!
WE WERE AFRAID TO TELL YOU.
SEE? I TOLD YOU HE'D HAVE A COW.
NO OFFENSE, HEFFER.
HE'S A STEER!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
SOME HOME MOVIES, JOCKO?
OR MAYBE YOU'D RATHER
JUST BUILD A DAM!
OH, NO, THANKS.
HOME MOVIES WOULD BE FINE.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
OH, HEFFER WAS ALWAYS
\h\h\h\hA FUSSY EATER.
Dad:
MORON!
HEY!
OH, DON'T SHOW THIS PART.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
OH, THIS IS HEFFER'S
FIFTH BIRTHDAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDad:
THREE LAWSUITS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
( raspberry )
THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART.
( giggling )
HEY, ARE WE GOING
TO EAT OR WHAT?
EVERYONE GET YOUR SEATS.
DINNER'S READY.
MY SEAT! MY SEAT!
MY SEAT!
DINNER IS PREPARED.
I HOPE YOU'RE NO
LETTING THE BEAVER
EAT OFF THE GOOD CHINA.
OTHERWISE, WE'LL HAVE
TO SMASH THE PLATES.
OKAY, LET'S EAT.
OKAY, WHOSE TURN IS I
TO FEED GRANDPA?
I DID IT LAST TIME.
NO, I DID.
SON, I BELIEVE IT'S YOUR TURN.
FINE.
( grunting )
HOW'S YOUR DINNER, GRANDPA?
AH, TASTES LIKE WOLF SPIT.
( inhaling )
( wheezing )
DON'T YOU LIKE
YOUR DINNER, CROCKO?
( pop )
OUR FOOD'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE BEAVER, HUH?
WELL, YOU BETTER GO
BACK TO THE ZOO
'CAUSE WE DON'T GOT ANY
OF THAT FANCY-SCHMANCY
SLOP HERE.
MAY I USE YOUR BATHROOM?
SORRY. WRONG DOOR.
( muffled grunting )
SO, ROCKO, YOU AND HEFFER
HAVE BEEN FRIENDS A LONG TIME?
OH, YES, AND IT'S
QUITE INTERESTING.
IN ALL THE YEARS I'VE KNOWN HIM
HE NEVER ONCE TOLD ME
HE WAS ADOPTED.
( rhythmic thumping )
( tube belching air )
IS THAT TRUE?!
WELL, YES, HONEY.
WE FOUND YOU UNDER A TREE
IN BRANDEWINE FARMS.
YOU WERE SKINNY
SO WE DECIDED
TO FATTEN YOU UP
BUT THEN WE GREW
TO LOVE YOU.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BIRTHMARK?
NOW, JUST TAKE IT EASY, HEFFER.
HEFFER-- IS THAT EVEN
MY REAL NAME?
DAD USED TO CALL YOU STEAK.
HEFFER, SIT DOWN
AND TALK TO ME.
I'M STILL YOUR FATHER.
YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!
YOU'RE JUST A JERK
IN WOLF'S CLOTHING!
( wailing )
( door slams )
WELL, I'M STUFFED.
I SAY WE EAT THE BEAVER.
\h\h\h\hGIVE ME ANOTHER
DOUBLE ORDER OF FRIES.
SORRY, PAL.
I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
\h\h\h\hI'LL TELL YOU
WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH
YOU GREASY PLATE JOCKEY!
( screaming )
HEY, DIJON.
YOW!
NO, THE BIGHEADS HAVEN'
SEEN HEFFER, EITHER.
( squeaking )
WHAT'S THAT?
OH.
AND THEY DON'T CARE.
I KNOW.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN
GET HIS PICTURE
ON SOME MILK CARTONS.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
\h\h\hHIS PICTURE IS
ON EVERY MILK CARTON.
LET'S GO FIND OUR SON.
( horns honking )
LOOK AWAY, HONEY.
NO, THAT'S NOT HIM.
( tires squealing )
( burping )
\h\h\h\hI WONDER WHA
MY REAL DAD WAS LIKE.
( fanfare playing
\hand crowd cheering )
\h\h\h\hAll:
PRAISE HEFFER.
( crowd cheering )
( honking )
( rooster crowing )
MY FATHER'S TOMBSTONE!
( wailing )
HEY, QUIT BAWLING.
D DAD?
YEAH, YEAH, YOU HEARD ME.
KNOCK OFF THE CRYING.
THAT'S NOT MY GRAVE.
I'M NOT DEAD.
I'M LIVING IN CANOGA PARK
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWITH JOYCE.
SAY HELLO.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU SHOULD VISIT SOMETIME.
MOM?!
THAT'S NOT YOUR MOM.
YOU MOM'S A CAR SEA
IN ILLINOIS.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?
I'M TIRED OF YOU KIDS
\h\h\h\hCOMING AROUND
LOOKING FOR YOUR DADDY.
I'VE HAD A MILLION KIDS
THAT LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU--
( hawking: )
\h\h\h\hUGLY!
JOYCE, COME HERE
AND CLEAN UP AFTER ME.
I GUESS NO ONE LOVES ME.
( wailing )
( sniffling )
( trumpeting )
( Southern accent: )
HEY, AREN'T YOU THAT GUY
ON THE MILK CARTONS?
\h\h\h\hA FAMILY OF WOLVES
WAS BY HERE LOOKING FOR YOU.
SEEMED REAL UPSET.
\h\h\h\hMATTER OF FACT,
HAD A BEAVER WITH THEM.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom:
HEFFER, YOU'RE BACK!
OH, HEFFER,
WHERE DID YOU GO?
I WENT LOOKING
FOR MY REAL FAMILY
BUT I FOUND OU
THAT YOU'RE MY REAL FAMILY
AFTER ALL.
SON COME HERE.
( grunts )
DAD, I'M A LITTLE FULL RIGHT NOW
SO I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD
WHAT, SUDDENLY
YOU'RE TOO GROWN UP
TO HUG YOUR OLD MAN?
COME HERE.
( gurgling )
( vomiting )
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDad:
SOMEBODY BETTER GET THE HOSE.
( howling )
( howling )
MOO!
MELBA.
HEY, ROCKO
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hROCK, ARE YOU
STILL LUSTING AFTER MELBA?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND NOW.
BOYFRIEND?
GEE, ROCK, I THOUGHT YOU HEARD.
HIS NAME IS DAVE.
IS HE HANDSOME?
YUP, AND A NICE GUY TOO.
\h\h\h\hLAST NIGHT,
HE BOUGHT EVERYBODY
A ROUND OF BURGERS
AT THE GRISTLE PALACE.
YOU GOT TO GET OVER
THIS MELBA THING, YOU KNOW?
GET OUT THERE
AND START DATING.
HMM
HEY! HOW ABOU
THE PERSONALS?
WE'LL WRITE YOU
A PERSONALS AD.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT WAY,
THE DATES COME TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW, HEF.
I THINK I'LL JUST WAI
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFOR MELBA.
Heffer:
NONSENSE. THERE'S PLENTY
OF FISH IN THE SEA.
Rocko:
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
\h\h\h\h"MARSUPIAL
WITH BIG, HAIRY CHES
"SEEKING FEMALE
WITH SAME.
"WILL SUCK THE FILLINGS
OUT OF YOUR TEETH
"IF YOU LET ME.
"I AM ADVENTUROUS
"AND WILL TRY
ANYTHING ONCE.
( gulping, burping,
\hand gagging )
TWICE IF YOU'RE LUCKY."
BUT, HEF, THAT ISN'
ANYTHING LIKE ME.
DETAILS. THE HARD PAR
IS GETTING
THE DATES.
THEN YOU'LL GROW ON EACH OTHER.
ROCKO!
PAY DIRT!
YOU'RE IN
DATE CITY NOW.
HOW DID I EVER LET YOU
TALK ME INTO THIS?
YOU KNOW I'M NO
VERY GOOD AT DATING.
I KNOW YOU'RE SKEPTICAL,
BUT I'LL SET YOU UP
SO YOU CANNOT FAIL.
( tires screeching )
( doorbell rings )
I I'M YOUR WILD STALLION
HERE TO WHISK YOU AWAY.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYOU MUST BE
MY LITTLE GIRL'S DATE.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU LAY ONE PAW
ON MY DAUGHTER
AND YOU'LL BECOME
MY PERSONAL TOOTHPICK!
YOU HEAR ME?
Female voice:
DADDY?
IS THAT MY DATE?
YES, DEAR.
NOW, YOU TWO RUN ALONG
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YES, SIR.
WE CERTAINLY WILL.
( giggling )
YOUR FATHER SEEMS LIKE
A REAL GREAT GUY.
SO, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO?
UH, WELL, UH
HOW ABOUT I WALK YOU
BACK TO THE DOOR?
HOW ABOUT WE TRADE
MATH EQUATIONS, BABY?
( screaming )
WELL, ISN'T THIS
A TOUCHING MOMENT?
( Rocko yelling )
( bird tweeting )
CHECK.
( Rocko yelling,
\hdate trumpeting )
WELL, IF IT ISN'T MR. WONDERFUL.
( panting )
HEY, ROCK!
NO MORE PERSONALS.
I'VE GOT THE ANSWER.
LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT?
"WALLABIES WANTED
FOR THE LOVE SEAT SHOW?"
HEFFER, YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTHAT I GO ON
THAT RIDICULOUS DATING SHOW
ARE YOU?
NO WAY!
COME ON.
GIVE IT A SHOT.
YOU PROBABLY
WON'T EVEN GET PICKED.
( teeth chattering )
LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTAN
FOR TODAY.
HE ENJOYS MAKING MODELS
OF THE TITANIC, JACKHAMMERING
AND CHOCOLATE
MAKES HIS HEAD SWELL.
LET'S GIVE A WARM
\hLOVE SEAT WELCOME
TO ROCKO.
YOU EVER PLAY
OUR GAME BEFORE?
GOOD.
WE'VE FED ALL YOUR
VITAL STATISTICS
INTO OUR COMPUTER.
THEN WE'VE TAKEN
CONTESTANTS
AND MATCHED THEM UP.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND
WE LET THE AUDIENCE PICK.
YOU GO OUT, COME BACK
TELL US HOW IT WENT.
YOU WITH ME?
GOOD! IT'S TIME NOW
FOR THE AUDIENCE
TO DECIDE YOUR FATE.
I MEAN DATE.
WILL IT BE
DATE NUMBER ONE,
DATE NUMBER TWO,
OR DATE NUMBER THREE?
AND THE STUDIO
AUDIENCE SAYS
( buzzer sounds )
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
BEFORE WE REVEAL
THE CANDIDATE SELECTED
LET'S INTRODUCE
THE TWO UNFORTUNATES NOT CHOSEN.
DATE NUMBER ONE,
DIANE
ONE OF OUR NATION'S
LEADING ROCKET SCIENTISTS
WHO IN HER SPARE TIME
ENJOYS BUNGEE JUMPING
INTO HOT WHIPPED CREAM.
YVONNE,
DATE NUMBER TWO.
A PULITZER PRIZE-
WINNING POE
YVONNE CLAIMS HER ONLY WEAKNESS
IS AN UNBEARABLE FETISH
FOR SHORT WALLABIES.
( moaning )
AND YOUR DATE
NOT ONLY LOVES
BUILDING MODELS
AND JACKHAMMERING
BUT IS CONTEN
JUST SPENDING A LOT OF TIME
ON THE COUCH.
YOUR DATE HEFFER.
\h\h\h\hI'M SORRY
ABOUT THIS, ROCKO.
THE THIRD CONTESTAN
HAD TO DO A BIKINI CALENDAR
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPHOTO SHOO
AND THEY NEEDED
A STAND-IN.
( goofy laughing )
SO, HOW DID THE DATE GO?
HE WAS VERY COLD
HMM VERY QUIET,
AND EXTREMELY CHEAP.
VERY CHEAP.
WOULDN'T BUY ME A THING
AND THE WAY HE WAS DRESSED
WAS APPALLING.
FORGET ALL THOSE GOOFY DATES.
MELBA'S THE ONE FOR ME.
I GOT TO GO OVER THERE
AND GET UP THE NERVE
TO TALK TO HER.
OH, BOY.
EH. NOT TOO BAD.
MORNING, MELBA.
NAH. THAT'S NOT ME.
HMM
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOH, PLEASE,
OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE!!!
NAH.
I'VE JUST GOT TO BE MYSELF.
I'M NOT A BAD GUY.
I GOT A LOT GOING FOR ME.
YEAH. LOOK AT THAT.
YEAH, MELBA.
YEAH, MELBA.
YEAH, MELBA!
I'M GOING TO DO IT!
( doorbell rings )
ROCKO, I KNOW
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
HEFFER, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'M GOING TO MELBA'S
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU ARE? GREAT!
SHE'LL WANT TO MEET YOU
AFTER SHE READS THIS.
"I'M MADLY, HOPELESSLY,
AND DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
"LET ME DANCE IN YOUR LOVE CUPS
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAND SERVE YOU TEA.
\h\h\h\h"FOREVER YOURS,
YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR
ROCKO?"
I LOVE
THE "LOVE CUPS" PART.
MELBA!!!
NO!!!
AAH!!!
THERE, THERE, ROCKO.
LOVE IS A TOUGH EMOTION.
YOU HAVE TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH YOUR INNER SELF.
NOW I'M GOING TO BUY
EVERYBODY SOME BURGERS
AT THE GRISTLE PALACE.
ROCKO, IS IT MORE DATES
\hYOU WANT, 'CAUSE I
NO! DON'T SAY IT.
GO FIND ANOTHER VICTIM
FOR YOUR DATING SCHEMES.
BUT--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEFFER, I WANT YOU
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOUT OF MY LIFE.
GEE.
( sniffing )
OKAY.
I CAN TAKE A HINT.
UH, IT'S OKAY, HEF.
I KNOW YOU WERE
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBESIDES,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES
THAT SHE'D EVEN SEE
A LITTLE AD
LIKE THAT?
AT LEAST IT WASN'
ON THE FRONT PAGE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GRAB A BITE TO EAT?
UH, GEE, UH
NO. WHY DON'T WE
JUST STAY INSIDE
AND PLAY CHECKERS?
( sheep bleating )