Run the Burbs (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

Raccoon Fever

1 Hey.
You know you have to recharge my foot shaver if you use it, okay? What? Foot shaver? My feet are still young and spry.
Andrew, you're muted.
- Thank God.
- Sorry.
I was just saying that, uh, I'll cover the "A" project of the assignment.
Are you sure? That's the biggest part, and it's due in two days.
Y'all don't know me yet, but Andrew Pham goes hard.
- I got this.
- Cool.
Well, I guess that's all for today.
We still need a group name.
I was going to suggest Bookfast Club.
I like it.
How's school going? - It's kind of bringing me back.
- Yeah.
It's a lot of work.
And my classmates are basically kids.
Camille, they've never heard of Usher.
- Big Tyme? - Mr.
Entertainment? "My boo"? Oof.
Well, it's just one semester, and then you're done.
You know what? - Maybe I will shave my feet.
- Again? Okay.
Maybe I will do my group assignment.
What was that? - Was that the bin? - That sound.
No, no, no.
Not again! - What is it? - Raccoons.
And that's when Bret told Moby he didn't even like hummus.
- What? - And I was, like, "Bret, we were all there.
" Hey, Nanaji.
There's my strapping man.
Now, you're aware that somebody did their graffiti on your special bench? Again? These fools think they can outplay me? Ha.
They don't know what I'm about.
What are you about? Justice.
I will repaint my bench as many times as it takes.
I don't know how to quit.
Unless it's piano lessons.
I have very small hands.
And big excuses.
Now, is Khia home? No.
She's at Bubble Bae setting things up.
I had the balloons she requested.
I'll go drop them off.
You know, it does occur to me that what you're dealing with, at its core, is a bylaw infraction.
Don't say it.
Would it kill you to open yourself up to her expertise and maybe even learn to appreciate my lady friend Barb? Okay.
I can tell that I've hit you with one too many things there.
I'll just go.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That is a big mess.
Did the raccoons get you, too? Nah, man.
We're vegan now.
Raccoons don't want salad.
- You okay? - Hudson, I have a history with raccoons.
How weird is this going to get? The year is 2004.
Shrek 2 fever is sweeping the nation.
I'm living my best life in student housing, until a family of raccoons found a hole into the attic and moved right on in.
That's no good.
All the scratching.
I couldn't focus.
I almost bombed that semester until animal control removed them.
As they were being carted away, they stared deep into my eyes with intense vengeance.
And now, they're back.
Don't raccoons live for, like, two years or something like that? Well, stories get passed down over generations.
And now, I have to stop these raccoons before they settle in and torment my family.
Or you could just put the bins in the garage.
You think garage walls are going to stop raccoons? Yeah.
I don't know why I said that.
So, are you in? You bet your butt I'm in.
What do you need? Rope.
Lots of rope.
What kind of paint is that? Don't even try.
This paint is up to code.
Oh, impressive.
Your daddy was right.
Ew! Can you not say "daddy" like that? - I said it normal.
- What do you want? Your daddy brought me up to speed on the situation, and I would like to help find whoever's doing this.
I don't need your help, but if this is part of your job and that's the only reason you're doing it, what would we do? Catch the perp red-handed.
How? I have my methods.
Fine, but they better be good.
I'll have my usual, please.
Another new one? What is the point of establishing one's usual if there's just constant turnover here? Ah.
Khia, your balloons, as requested.
There's, like, 10 balloons here.
Too few? Too many? What are we talking about? It's great.
Thank you.
Tell me.
What is the special occasion here? Oh.
Cathy said we could do a Pride week celebration.
Of course.
You know, it's already looking more festive and supportive.
Grab some stuff and help us.
Why not? I am an ally, just like you.
Oh, I'm not an ally.
I'm queer.
You knew that, right? Is that right? Yeah.
Don't be mad at me.
- Mm-hmm? - I don't have tape.
- Mannix! - Okay.
Hear me out.
- Do we really need it? - Forget about it.
Uh, Nanaji, we need tape before we can put up anything else.
Oh, sure.
Tape, no tape, I'm cool.
There's nothing going on here that's a big deal to me.
Andrew, it's pouring.
What are we doing out here? It's an anti-raccoon security system.
This project is my masterpiece.
Speaking of projects, how's school going? It's amazing.
It's like I never left.
I'm actually working on a group assignment right now.
Right now? Oh.
Not, like, right now, but it's a group project on promoting public participation in communities.
Well, buddy, that's right up your alley.
And I'm doing the biggest part, since I actually have the most experience and wisdom in the group.
So, how's the actual compost people supposed to open this when they come? Oh.
I'm going to write the combination right on the bin.
Okay, but what if the raccoons read the combination? Then may God have mercy on us all.
Pretty elaborate, man.
And you haven't even seen the second part of my plan yet.
Boom! High-powered flood lights.
- Ooh.
- Boom! Security camera with night vision.
- What? - I know.
- That's pretty high-tech, man.
- Ah.
You got a ladder you can help me put this up with? Nah.
I got, like, a step stool.
Boost! Khia? Khia! Why are you yelling? Ah.
There you are.
First things first.
I've been fishing through my basement and I found some stuff for you.
What does this say? "Have a nice life.
" It doesn't quite work for your thing.
- Hmmmm.
- Frankly, they don't care for it much at the retirement parties, either.
Thanks for helping.
I am thrilled to help.
Incidentally, I wanted to discuss something that you said earlier.
When you said you were queer.
Don't you think that maybe you're too young to be so sure about such an important decision? Nanaji, it's not a decision.
It's who I am.
And of course I, as an ally, completely support you.
- I just wonder if you - Can I ask you something? Absolutely.
That's what I'm here for, to impart my wisdom and experience.
Did you ever ask Mom if she was sure she was straight? No.
But it was the '90s.
Vanilla Ice was big.
I mean, who even knew what was happening? That's what I thought.
This is your big fancy method? I never promised big or fancy.
This is just a little technique that I picked up from watching a wonderful romp starring Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez.
You had to watch stakeout to learn what a stakeout was? No.
It had a different name.
What was it called? Barb? She's inside the house? Yeah.
I know.
Are y'all doing a stakeout? Mm-hmm.
I'm doing a stakeout, too.
Tight! How is it going with the raccoons? Um, wheels are in motion.
School project? Uh, yeah.
I feel like we could go round and round with these questions all day, but, um, I got to go.
Raccoons come out and play.
You know, you don't have to be here, either.
I am invested in this.
In fact, I will go make coffee.
Oh, oh, oh.
I brought some for you.
And have an egg.
Great protein.
Keeps your mind alert.
How old are these? - Oh, eggs don't go bad.
- Oh, my gosh.
Yes, they do.
Ugh! That is so rude.
I'm here as a favour.
This isn't a favour.
You're doing your job.
The favour is for Ramesh.
Another stakeout.
That's what it's called.
Oh, that movie had it all, truly one of a kind.
What? Right.
The cameras.
That's impossible.
They're learning.
The raccoons, they're learning! No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! - They're learning.
- They're learning! Barb, too much.
What? I needed body heat.
- What happened? - Oh! Those pieces of sh It didn't work.
You should've kept the eggs.
You know what? You're off the case.
You probably couldn't do anything if we caught them, anyway.
I can document the offence, fine them and threaten legal action if they persist again.
You're back on the case.
Same time tonight.
Oh, no, no.
We can't do two stakeouts in a row.
You'll burn out.
It's like if they tried to do a sequel to another stakeout, there's no way it would hold up to the magic of the first one.
You're back off the case.
That being said, I suppose we do still have the element of surprise.
- You're back on the case.
- Okay.
- We'll get these punks.
- Yes.
Andrew? Oh.
Uh, sorry.
I was just, uh, focusing so hard.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Fo' sho'! Well, you didn't send your part in yet.
Are you done? Uh, no, but Can you just get it done, please? We're cutting it pretty close.
I won't let team Dragonfist down, huh? Andrew, they went vegan.
The raccoons hit me and half the houses around the block.
It's time, Hudson.
Time to get rid of this raccoon problem once and for all.
Shall I get more rope? No.
This time, we get our hands dirty by researching effective and humane raccoon removal methods.
So, how did it go when she told you? We said, "we love you.
" We gave her a hug, and we kind of just kept it moving.
So basically, the same thing as me.
You always say you're an ally.
I guess family is different, Camille.
Now, I had an uncle.
Outstanding cricketer.
I just adored him when I was a child.
The family knew he wasn't just roommates with his friend.
No one spoke of it, and eventually, no one spoke to him.
Being homosexual has not, historically, been celebrated in our family.
And historically, that's been wrong.
I just worry.
It's still not exactly easy.
Dad, life isn't easy.
Khia is who she is, and we should all just be with who we want to be with.
I mean, look at you and Barb.
I prefer that true blonde lady Friends, neighbours for too long, society has ignored the raccoon plague.
Now, that problem is at our doorstep.
Now, this is, again, rooted in the housing market and urban sprawl, causing downtown raccoon overpopulation, leading to an increase in raccoon sprawl.
Now, we must take action as a group and stop the raccoons in their tracks.
In closing, people good, raccoons bad.
Thank you.
Uh, just to be clear, what is the reward for whoever wins? Wins what? The raccoon hunt.
Are we not on the same page? Sebastian, no! We just went over our plan.
Nah, man.
This is your plan.
Okay? I want no part of this.
Hudson, operation lemonade is the most effective, humane method.
Oh, that part was serious? This is the only way for us to get the raccoons to leave us alone once and for all.
Andrew, I think you might need to get some rest, friend.
You're being a real Cyril Sneer.
Cyril Sneer is a character from the Raccoon cartoon.
- I'm aware.
I'm aware.
- Okay.
Operation lemonade just became a solo mission.
Why am I here? 'Cause I want you to learn a valuable lesson.
Which is? That raccoons don't like the smell of ammonia in urine, and the price of coyote urine has skyrocketed.
Back up.
You're near the splash zone.
So, by peeing, I'm making the raccoons think there was a predator here.
I don't know if that's going to be enough.
Then you better double it.
Hudson! You came.
I'm going to leave you to it.
Let's lock and unload.
And drink up, buddy.
We're going to have to hit every house on the block once it gets dark.
Dude, you're in the splash zone.
My bad.
My bad.
You know, I really have to commend you.
Repainting that bench over and over, expecting a different result.
What are you saying, Barb? I'm saying it shows perseverance.
Your commitment to bench integrity is well, it's impressive.
It's a very meaningful bench.
It was pretty instrumental in me and Andrew my family story.
Did you make a baby on that bench? No! Ugh.
That's a relief.
Otherwise, I'd have to write you up.
Tuna? No.
It's better than eggs.
No, it's worse.
Much, much, much worse.
There must be something else we can do to stay alert.
Well, there is one other thing I do.
Really riveting chit-chat, it just stimulates the brain.
Unless No.
Tell me about yourself, uh, Barb.
Got any hobbies? Hmm.
I do.
I'll be right back.
Khia, I love you, and I support you in anything you do.
I just don't want my granddaughter to have any difficulty in life, in any way.
I hope you understand that.
But you thinking that my life is going to be more difficult just because I'm queer is just another problem.
How do you mean? Like, there's already so many challenges.
I mean, a couple came in earlier and they saw the decorations and they left.
Well, I don't think that can be blamed on It's not about you.
But your worrying about me makes it harder for me.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
You know, I've never been prouder of you than I am right now.
Thank you, Nanaji.
You want to come sit with us? Won't I be a third wheel? - Yes.
- Then absolutely.
So, what's happening? Well, Mannix wants to get her helix pierced.
- Yeah.
- Your helix? Yeah.
- I'm going to go.
- Oh.
And so, what a lot of cafés do is they burn the milk, and that is how you get bubbles.
And you absolutely do not want bubbles in your cappuccino.
What's something that you find people often do wrong? You know, I'm really beginning to understand what you and my dad see in each other.
Oh, look! Look at that.
Show time.
Wait a second.
Leo? I told Andrew not to buy him all those markers.
It always starts with a marker.
Barb, wait.
I know you have a job to do, but could you please just look the other way? He is breaking the rules, Camille.
You know what I have to do now.
Once you start making exceptions to the rules, it's chaos.
It's pure chaos.
Not for me, but for Leo's grandfather.
And your daddy? Okay.
That's enough.
All right.
I will look the other way, this time.
But you had better straighten that kid out, or next time it'll be different.
Thank you.
Also, I left you an open can of tuna.
Where? Somewhere.
Andrew? Hey.
Did you catch the graffiti bandit? Sort of.
You finish your work? Uh, yeah.
I will.
Just making sure the raccoons don't come back.
Andrew, what's going on? Uh, nothing.
The raccoons are just Andrew School is just more pressure than I expected.
What if I fail? If you put half your raccoon energy into your schoolwork, you'd get straight A's.
I don't think you're afraid of failure.
I think you're afraid of success.
What do I do after I graduate? What if I have less time for the kids? You? Our neighbours? My foot care regimen? Get your degree, and then we'll figure it out.
But for now, get rid of the raccoons in the yard of your mind.
- Damn! - Mm-hmm.
They're back.
Whoa! Ooh.
I guess my pee isn't as predatorial as I thought.
Look at that.
Probably just hungry.
Should we let them be? Yeah.
I bet that raccoon probably has a family.
Just looking out for their partner and kids.
- Just like us.
- Yeah, they are just like Oh, my God.
Chill! Chill, chill, chill.
Leo Blade Pham! I know about the bench.
This has to stop.
I can't keep repainting it.
You? - Why are you doing this to me? - To you? That bench is very important to me.
Why? Well, when your sister was a baby, we needed our own place.
We found this house in the burbs, and your dad loved it, but I wasn't sure.
So, I went to that bench and I sat down, and then I just I saw everything.
I saw you and your sister and the blockbusters.
I even saw Sebastian.
You're psychic! Mom, we can monetize this.
So, what's your big problem with the bench, huh? - Oh, there's no problem.
- Hmm? I sat there last week with Jojo.
She said she liked being on the bench together.
So, I took my marker, and we each did a little drawing to remember we had fun.
Until someone painted over it.
So, I drew it again and again, and I guess it's going to happen again.
Or maybe it won't.
Let's go to bed.
- Dad got pee on my shoes.
- What?
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