Scoundrels s01e02 Episode Script

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Attention, big foods, shoppers-- Chuck steak today just Cheryl West, the checkout chick.
Pay's lousy, boss is a creep, but like they say, it's a job.
It's tough making an honest living, ain't it? Having trouble sleeping, sergeant? Not as much lately.
You know, burglaries are down 15%, thanks to you and me.
How do you figure that? Well, I put your husband behind bars, And you forced your kids to go straight So now Palm Springs is a kinder, gentler place to live.
Do you have your big foods card, Or did your wife take that with her, too? Cheryl, you'll never last.
Once a criminal, always a criminal.
Thank you for shopping Big Foods.
Have a really, really lovely day.
I will.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way.
How's cal doing? Keeping out of trouble? You don't have to worry about cal.
He has a real job and he loves it.
Park it for me.
Park it where? Where would you like to park it? You think I'm bad? Wait till you meet Mrs.
I did.
She kicked me in the hacky sacks, remember? That was my grandmother, moron.
I'm talking about my wicked stepmother.
She's in L.
shopping for beachfront condos With my father's money.
Wait till she comes back.
Trust me, then you'll know the meaning of suffering.
- Princess.
- Hi, daddy.
I need you to drive me.
Ah! so, Heather, how's that modeling career going? It's going fantastic, actually.
I'm really close to getting a couple things.
Heather! Two doubles and a side of fries.
I can see that.
Nice zit, by the way.
It goes with the hairnet.
Yeah, tomorrow I'll take your deposition, And we'll go from there.
You know what, mark? Actually, I gotta jump off the phone.
A client just stepped into my office.
I'll see you in the morning.
Vice principal Valerie bottoms.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Well, I'm thinking about committing murder soon.
Figured I'd line up an attorney.
Premeditated lawyering up.
That's very good planning.
Um, may ask who it is that you're thinking about killing? Oh, perhaps you've heard of her.
Her name is Hope West.
What'd she do now? Apparently, your mother reading her the riot act About missing school didn't make much of an impression.
She came by my office this morning To remind me of our agreement.
Well Who cares, right? Oh.
She can't stop us from doing that.
Or that.
Don't try and kiss your way out of this.
I need you to fix this.
Val, come on.
We've managed for seven-plus years To have a successful and, might I add, very hot Mm.
Relationship without any outside interference.
That's because we never go outside.
We've never been to a concert together Or a restaurant or a movie.
Outside's overrated.
Oh, come on, Logan.
You're not 17 anymore, and I'm not your teacher.
And as long as she has those photos, We can't graduate and go out into the world.
Get your conniving sister off my butt, And then we'll talk about your handling mine.
You are cruel, lady.
That's what my students say.
Makes 'em work a little harder.
Oh, come on.
Well, it's been a great week for all of us here at Big Foods.
We're up by almost 2%.
As members of the Big Foods family, You should all be very proud.
But we have got to keep our eyes peeled for shoplifters.
Revenues are being lost, And the higher-ups tend not to like that.
All right, now let's move on to employee of the month.
Let's have a big hand for Kaylee Ryles.
She's not a melon, Lawrence.
Well, I think that's it for this week.
Back to work now, ladies.
Back to work.
Um, excuse me.
Yes, Cheryl? There's no toilet paper in the ladies' room again.
- The second time this week.
- I'll look into it.
Oh, and, Lawrence, make sure you do that when no one's in there.
You go, girl.
In Cahuilla, they'd call you "you are one strong woman.
" Really? What's Cahuilla for "can't keep mouth shut"? Kaylee, you shouldn't let him do that to you.
Sue him for sexual harassment.
And lose my job? Sometimes surrender's as honorable as resistance, Especially if you have no choice.
No offense, Mrs.
, but you never have no choice.
We'll talk about this later, okay? Attention, shoppers-- Big Foods yogurt 20 for just $8.
Seriously? Come on.
I did not take anything.
Don't you trust me? I'm going to assume that's a rhetorical question.
I'm drowning in grease, mom.
Gretta came by Rusty Burgers today And gave her boyfriend a personal tour of my zit.
Look, if you get caught stealing, I'm gonna lose my job, And I can't afford to be fired.
Guess I'll just have to put back The $50 volumizing serum I got for you.
Attention, Big Foods shoppers-- Remember, you cannot get a lottery ticket With your credit card.
Big Foods American singles cheese $1.
99, Just over on the dairy aisle.
I haven't kissed a check-out girl since high school.
Don't start.
So what is it, The, uh, low pay or the long hours - That you're crazy about? - Not having my house raided by the cops is right up there.
You're too good for a crappy job like this.
Maybe you're too good to have a wife Who's got a crappy job like this.
I can still take care of you if you'd let me.
Wolf, I like having a job- an honest one.
So, uh How are the kids? Adjusting to their new life? Couldn't be better.
Mom, seriously.
What are you trying to do to me, Turn me into an oompa loompa? What do you care? What goes down is only gonna come up again.
Macaroni and cheese.
I can't remember the last time we had this.
Try last night, gramps.
That was ravioli.
Same thing, ma, Only with ravioli, the cheese is on the inside, And with mac and cheese, the cheese is on the outside.
Hey, it's cheap and it has protein and it's--it's food.
Hey, I'm glad you didn't wait.
I got stuck working on dad's appeal.
But I brought cheesecake.
Ew! goody.
Now I can vomit without even trying.
I mean, what are we, mice? We had a really good business going, And then you just went and you threw it away, didn't ya? You had to throw it away.
For what, a life of cheese? For a future, Cal.
That's what.
Oh, really? A future? What, being Hong's butt boy? Good.
It's better than jail.
Oh, really? Is it? 'Cause there I'd get a little respect, - Something to eat besides - Please, God.
Don't say "cheese".
- Crap! - Sit down! Logan, if I were you, I'd take the you-know-what cake and get out while you can.
No, not until you and I talk.
Mom, if you needed money you should've just called me.
We're not there yet.
Oh, we're not? Just how much further down do we plan on going? Here.
I bought that for you.
Zit cream? - Oh.
- Heather.
Oh, now I'm just trying to do what's best for this family! Well, mom, it's not really working, is it? Gimme that cake.
Wolf, you son of a bitch.
If you're into women's underwear, I'd try Heather's.
They're hotter.
I want those pictures of Valerie and me, Hope.
The blackmailing has to stop.
It's not blackmail, okay? It's quid pro quo.
I get whatever I want, and she gets to keep her job.
I don't see what the big deal is.
It was a simple request.
So which is it, A permanent excuse from gym class or These graphic photos of you and my brother doing it Mysteriously turning up in the school newspaper office? I don't look good in gym shorts.
What can I say? Why do you even care? Your relationship with her is, like, ancient history.
Oh, my God.
You're still sleeping with that old woman.
Let's just say that we're doing some postgraduate work.
- Ew! - So when you threaten to expose her, You're really threatening to expose me.
You're like an x-rated afterschool special.
Okay, fine.
I won't use the photos.
You're my brother, and I love you, And it's against the West code of honor To extort family members.
Besides, I hid them at grandpa's, And they were burnt to a crisp when his house caught on fire.
Oh, well you're still young.
They'll be plenty of people to blackmail and extort, I promise.
I know.
It's just there's nothing like your first time.
Well, no, I-I, you know, Think you'd be a great cashier.
I really do.
And--and I-- ahem.
Morning, ladies.
Just discussing Some of the finer points of customer service.
Do you always stand that close to your customers? Nice personal touch.
You haven't held many jobs, have you, Cheryl? If you had, you'd know that smart-mouthed employees Leave their attitudes at home if they wanna keep those jobs.
Isn't that right, Mrs.
Tíhoobáni? How's the family, Cheryl? Just fine, Lawrence.
Thank you for asking.
I'm keeping an eye on you, Cheryl.
As long as it's your eye and not your hand.
Attention, big foods shoppers, There are free samples over there.
Still no toilet paper in the ladies' room, Lawrence.
Sit by the river and wait.
Your enemy's corpse will soon float by.
Yeah, well, I'd like to sink the son of a bitch.
Ladies, we've got rights.
The security cameras.
He'll see! Well, now he can't miss it.
Strike a blow for working women everywhere! All right, girls! Whoo! yeah! Yeah! Violence is just a way to connect with an audience.
These snakes are pure visual stimulation.
Listen, I need to borrow some more money.
I didn't know Rusty Burger delivered.
Mom stole my photos that Rene took of me.
I need to get new ones taken Before it's too late to start my career.
Sorry, but the Bank of Hope has gone belly-up.
Selling my homework isn't as lucrative as you'd think.
I could take your photos.
I've got this great new digital camera-- That I paid for, for our film.
For us.
She's not "us".
I'm sure you have friends of your own You could seduce into taking your photos.
Not like you, Ted.
Not a true artist.
Velvet touch extra soft triple-ply.
We use it at the store.
Can you shut down, please, Cheryl, and come with us? What the hell is this about, Lawrence? We can talk about it in back.
What is this, a committee meeting? No, try employee theft.
Excuse me? Is this because I took A couple of rolls of toilet paper? No, Cheryl.
It's about the $500 missing from your cash register last night.
Come on, Cheryl.
Let's go.
Who--who are you? Who are you? I'm an employee of the Hongs, Hired by Mr.
Hong himself.
Oh, dear.
Poor you.
Are you a friend of Patty's, then? God, no.
Pour you a drink? Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's actually Mr.
Hong's special reserve, And he--I don't think he likes strangers taking his things.
My bad.
What are you gonna do about it? I-I'd have to ask you to not drink it, Because it's Mr.
Hong's and I value my life.
And if I say no? Then what? Um then We'd both be in big trouble.
Really? What kind of "big trouble"? Oh! Whoops.
Sloppy me.
Oh! Oh.
Oh! That's it.
You know, Tad, Modeling is just like acting in front of the camera, Except it's more fun 'cause there's no lines to memorize.
And no brains to store them in.
Tad, I think we should just go for it.
I feel so ready to just open up to you.
I really just want you to see into my soul.
Hold on a second.
Can you see the zit? We can get rid of it in post.
I-I've got this really great program that-- Yeah, you do, Tad.
The one that I paid for, along with the camera To shoot locations for our film.
Traitors and airheads.
You're kidding.
When? Oh-oh-oh--well, okay.
Is there, like, something that I should do? Post bail or Okay.
Uh, that was Logan.
Mom's been arrested.
What for? Try stealing.
Well, thank God.
She's finally come to her senses.
I didn't steal that money, Logan.
That bastard framed me because I stood up to him.
It's okay.
They have no case.
We're gonna resolve this, And you're gonna get your job back.
I thought people trying to make an honest living - would be honest.
- Mm.
I guess a bastard is still- a bastard.
How's it going? Got all your i's dotted and your t's crossed, do ya? There's no witness, no corroborating evidence.
It's circumstantial, sergeant.
It won't stand.
Oh, really? That's your considered opinion As a newly minted officer of the court? - Yes, it is.
- I would love to know How you managed to pass that bar on the very first try.
Growing up around all that police corruption Was a real motivator for me.
I can make your life very difficult.
All the years of study, all the torts and subclauses It'd be such a waste If your association with a known criminal element Were to come back and haunt you.
Come on.
Let's go.
The sergeant's just blowing smoke.
You know what? You harass me, that's one thing.
You touch my son, And I will spend the rest of my law-abiding life Making you suffer.
- Is that a threat, Cheryl? - Oh, no, detective.
- That's a promise.
- Come on, mom.
Cheryl, what are you trying to prove? How do you think it makes me feel That my wife has to resort to stealing petty cash? I did not take that money, Wolf.
That bastard manager set me up.
- Really? - Yes, Wolf.
Take my money, Cheryl.
It's ours.
- We earned it.
- If we "earned" it, what are you doing in jail? Now I'm giving this back to Charlie.
I will get another job, Wolf.
I wanna give a different life to our children.
Now why can't you wrap that around your thick skull And let me do what I gotta do? Okay, how about them? You think they're gonna thank you for what you're doing? Making Hope conform? Turning Cal into the Hongs' lackey - He's earning back what he- - Heather into a fry cook? - She's learning responsibility.
- She's learning to take orders From people who aren't worth her spit.
God sakes, Cheryl.
What does it take to wake you up? I am awake, Wolf.
Believe me.
I can't afford to sleep because I'm not riding shotgun anymore.
You left me in the driver's seat for the next five years, So I'm taking the wheel and I'm choosing where we're going And I'll get us there myself Without any help from you.
Yo, that's That's really How were her boobs, man? I'm not talking about her boobs.
They were nice, though.
No, but listen, I'm talking about whose boobs the boobs belong to.
Oh, that vase.
He's gonna kill me.
Or worse.
Oh, don't be such a scaredy-cat.
I'll just tell my husband that I did it.
He won't even care.
What? Your husband? Whoa, dude.
Those boobs belong to Mr.
Hong? She wasn't even asian.
How does that happen? Man, the bitch was playing you.
Dude, that's hot, though, in a weird kind of way.
Mostly it just sucks.
Hong's dangerous.
He's a tong.
So if he finds out, I could be tonged to death.
These guys, they hack off everything-- Your limbs and everything.
That's not gonna be any fun, man.
I know.
Kitchen counters, man.
They gotta be pretty uncomfortable.
I don't think that's why she was screaming.
- Ohh! - Ohh! Oh, they're so beautiful.
You're such an artist.
How can I ever repay you? She did call me an artist, didn't she? She's not gonna sleep with you.
Once she gets these photos, She'll go back to not even remembering your name Ted.
I know.
I I just You'd like to.
Well she is kinda hot.
She's also an invasive, self-serving narcissist.
What's mine is hers, and what's hers is hers.
And you're just gonna have to decide What matters more to you- our friendship or your penis.
Can't I have both? I thought we had this special bond.
We do.
We both think Tarantino's overrated, Yet, we both wanna be him.
We can quote the best lines from "Dawn of the Dead"-- The original and the remake.
And you're gonna throw that all away For someone who's gonna use you and spit you out? I I can't let you do that.
I can't.
I-I promised her.
Do it, Tad.
You'll thank me for it one day.
Oh! Oh, my God.
That was incredible.
- Certainly did not suck.
- Oh, I feel so liberated.
Thank you for burning those photos.
Free to walk down the street arm in arm with the man I love.
I don't care who knows.
So if the president of the P.
Invites us to dinner-- oh, we lie.
We say that you were my student And then we just happened to meet years later in a bar.
Small world.
Right? What really matters Is that I can finally look your mother in the eye.
Oh, my God.
You can meet my mother.
We can have lunch.
"Mother, this is Logan My fiancé?" Fiancé? Oh, partner, fiancé It's just a matter of time, right? You know, I don't think it was that bad.
I don't think it was that bad.
You know, meeting in private, "bumping into each other" at the movie theater Or at art galleries, a bar.
Right? Well, it's not exactly the relationship I had in mind.
Well I don't want to conceive our children in a public restroom, do you? Silly boy.
Where were you at 1:00 in the morning? In bed.
You? What about you? In bed.
Except it was a different bed.
It was my bed.
I was in Guadalajara running my drug cartel.
This is all we've found so far, sarge.
Um, excuse me.
I was just about to use that.
- What is this, some kind of stupid joke? - No.
Not unless you think stealing a 14-ton truck is a joke.
Yeah, a delivery truck was hijacked from Big Foods At 1:00 in the morning.
It was discovered at 5:40 a.
minus its contents.
You gonna tell me you don't know - anything about that? - Why would I? Well, Cheryl, because it was delivering paper products.
200 boxes Of velvet touch extra soft triple-ply quilted toilet paper, To be exact.
It's a serious offense! It was probably a pissed off customer Who got the runs from the salad bar.
So you think I did this to screw Lawrence? So you're gonna frame me For getting back at the guy who framed me? Why don't we talk about it down at the station? No.
You're not taking mom anywhere, Not unless you arrest her.
- Thank you, Cal.
- Yeah, and you should probably arrest all of us 'cause our prints have been all over that roll.
And you're not taking it downtown either - because we need that.
- Step back, everyone.
All right.
It's okay, kids.
He's got no evidence and he knows it.
Jeez, Cheryl.
You know, for somebody who's trying to go straight, - you've sure got a funny way of showing it.
- You got me, sergeant.
I'm the head of a vast toilet paper smuggling ring.
But thanks to your expert police work, You flushed it right down the crapper.
Hey-o! Let's get outta here.
Don't you worry, Cheryl.
We'll be back.
What makes you so damn sure? 'Cause you're a West.
You can change a lot of things, But you'll never change that.
Yes, yes, I would like to talk to someone About the cutoff notice For 760-555-0132.
- Where's Tad? - Uh, he didn't come in today.
Some sort of stomach flu.
Cheryl West, Palm Springs.
Did he finish my photos? - Sure, why not? I love holding.
He did, but none of them came out.
What? He was sick about it.
You looked gorgeous And super vulnerable in the pictures When he was downloading them.
Then the computer crashed, - and we couldn't retrieve a thing.
- No! Yeah, it was awful.
Tragic, actually.
But hey, chin up.
The harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph.
I forgot who said that.
- It was either Helen Keller or Adolf Hitler.
- Okay.
I should've known any friend of yours Would be an incompetent loser! Yes, I know how important my call is And of course I'll still hold.
That wasn't nice.
Which part, Your destroying her photos or her thinking you're a loser? She was really upset.
She's really beautiful when she's upset.
Okay, look.
Sex is just This gross animal urge to continue the species.
It has nothing to do With a man's need to achieve a higher purpose in life.
More often than not, it only gets in the way.
What would you rather have-- Sex with my idiot sister or an Academy Award with me? Triple-ply quilted? Can you send me a few rolls? - If I find out you had anything to do with this - Why would I? I realize the paper in here is a lot like cardboard, Cheryl, But what am I gonna do with an entire truckload, huh? Maybe this is the universe - getting back at that little turd for framing you.
- Yeah, well, The universe isn't making my life any easier right now.
Look, Cheryl, I know we're not seeing eye to eye these days, But I would like to think you believe me when I tell you, I had nothing to do with this.
Um, look, I gotta go.
I love you.
Me, too.
What do you want, Lawrence? Thought we could talk.
Why would I want to talk to you? - 'Cause I'm in trouble now.
All right? Happy? - Oh.
People who wanna keep their jobs managing supermarkets Don't lose truckloads of paper products.
You might lose your job because of something you didn't do? And to top it all off, everybody goes on strike.
- I need my toilet paper back.
- Wait.
What do you mean everybody's on strike? Everyone.
All the girls, they're all riled up, Saying that I unfairly dismissed you.
You framed me.
You can't get any more unfair than that.
Look, Cheryl, I can make that go away.
All right? If I get my toilet paper back.
- Everybody goes back to work? - Yep.
- Mrs.
? Kaylee? - Mm-hmm.
And me.
And no more squeezing the employees.
I'll see what I can do.
Hey, cheer up, Lawrence.
Surrender is just as honorable as resistance, Especially when you have no choice.
Hey, Charlie.
- You got it? - Hi.
Now Wolf said there's always more where this came from.
Well, tell Wolf not to get his hopes up.
This is a one-time-only emergency.
Why don't you just come back to the store? I mean, we-- we were good together.
Charlie, we were never good.
We were never together.
Listen up, everybody.
I've got $1,500 in this envelope And I will give it to any person who's got information On the Big Foods truck heist-- Reliable information.
And I will give that person the 1,500 bucks When the goods are returned.
No questions asked.
Better hurry because this offer is good for 24 hours only.
No, man, like four times already today.
She's like an animal.
No, I--this job's killing me.
Hello, pool boy.
I gotta go.
She's coming.
She's got a whip.
I need to approve the stables at the stud farm.
And I need a stud to help me.
What about Mr.
Hong? He won't find out, if that's what you're worried about.
If You do exactly What I want.
You can leave your shirt off.
It'll save time later, Give me something to look at in the car.
Come to arrest me again, sergeant? No, no.
Not today.
I mean, if we had your resources And could offer a $1,500 reward, then, you know I'm just trying to clear my name, Since you don't seem to have the brains Or the inclination to do it for me.
Well, if you do hear anything excuse me? Hey, I want to catch this offender, too.
I thought I was the offender.
Well, you know, I like to keep an open mind.
Was that an apology? Don't cops make mistakes? Look, I'm going straight, sergeant.
I'm not joining the police force.
Solve your own problems, okay? Good afternoon to you, Mr.
I hear you require information.
I do, but how do you-- I have people who work for me, And someone wants to sell me lots of toilet paper-- Very cheap.
I don't need your money, Mrs.
And I don't want to feel like I owe you, Mr.
Are you Oscar Altsoba? Maybe.
And you're Cheryl West.
I heard you've been trying to unload certain items To certain parties.
Don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, come on, Oscar.
What's the going rate For selling hot toilet paper to the asians? Hot toilet paper? Ouch.
No idea.
Don't be stupid, okay? You know I've got connections.
I don't think so, Mrs.
Not anymore.
Darling, we just got a little waylaid at the stables.
- Really? - Mhm.
But we're very impressed with the facilities.
And the horses seem very happy.
Didn't it, Cal? Ah yeah, big smiles on their faces, you know Horse smiles and You know, Mr.
Hong is a wiz in the kitchen.
You should try his dim sum.
They're like little fried testicles.
- Don't be naughty, Mrs.
- Oh, you love it, Mr.
You're happy here? Oh yeah.
You know, it's really good.
Try it.
It's hot.
It's very good.
You like my daughter? Yeah, she's nice.
What about my wife? You like her? No.
I mean, yeah.
I don't know.
'Cause We haven't really talked that much.
I love her.
If I was to catch another man touching her Dim sum.
You understand? Oh, thanks for coming.
Come on in.
- Not a problem.
- I didn't know who else to call.
Oh, Mrs.
T, you didn't have to go to all this trouble.
I invited you to dinner.
I know, but now I'm famous thanks to you.
- Really? - The local paper came down to picket line to take our picture.
- I wish you would go back to work, you can't afford - Look.
You stop waiting for your enemy's corpse to float by when you friend's floats by first.
What about the others? Kaylee's got kids.
Those with one foot in the canoe and the other in the boat wind up in the river.
Now we're all paddling together, making waves.
You know, Mrs.
T, if you ever get tired of working at Big Foods you've got a future in greeting cards.
What did you want to talk to me about? The guy who hijacked the truck I know who he is.
Some thug - Thinks he's a real tough guy.
- Anglo? Mexican.
- From the casino? - I don't know.
You know, I've always really admired that tattoo.
It is an ancient tribal symbol.
It keeps us all connected.
He had the same one.
- His name is Oscar.
- Oscar? Why that little - That's cahuilla for - No translation necessary, mrs.
Aunt Tíhoobáanii, that hurt.
That hurt.
You think that hurt? You just wait until I tell your mother.
You lie and you steal You bring shame upon us all You give back that toilet paper! Okay.
Okay, fine, I'll give it back.
Just stop hitting me.
I guess I still have some connections after all.
T? - Morning, Lawrence.
- Thank you for the toilet paper, Cheryl.
You know, I'd love to help out but I'd hate to be late for work.
This is rib roast, Not Chuck, so pretend you can taste the difference, it cost me $3 more.
Well I've got a hankering for macaroni and cheese.
Anybody else? Sorry I'm late.
It smells delicious in here.
What's that? Rib roast? Are you gay? So, mom Congratulations.
You must be thrilled, huh? I feel fantastic.
So what, he just drove in, and there they were? Not a single roll of toilet paper was missing and Lawrence realized that the $500 was an accounting error.
So, I got my job back and my name is cleared.
I got a huge payday from Mr.
Check this out.
1,500 dollars.
Just for driving around his wife.
And stuff.
$1,500 is a lot for a driver.
Just a little tip, for being extra good at my job.
- You lucky stiff, I don't even get tips.
- What? - Lucky stiff.
- Oh, that sucks.
So, did we find out who was behind the great toilet paper heist after all? - Yeah.
- Some thug.
A real kanavagah.
Nobody we know.
Three of 'em jumped me Big guys.
Told me to return the TP or they were gonna kick the crap out of me.
Sorry, Wolf.
It's not worth losing your life over a truck full of butt wipes, you know? Yeah, right.
Twelve! Your order's ready.
That's me, thanks.
Um You've probably heard this before, but are you a model? Huh, no.
- Well, not yet anyway.
- Oh, lucky for me.
What do you mean? It means I get to discover you before anyone else.
Call me.
I think I can help.
What's your name? - Heather.
- Beautiful name for a very beautiful woman.
It didn't happen over night, but it did happen.
Corrections by rbbl181