Shameless US s10e04 Episode Script

A Little Gallagher Goes a Long Way

1 [grunts.]
What the hell do you want? No! No, no, no.
I'm not gonna tell you what happened last week.
I'm not gonna do it.
It's fucking stupid.
Just watch the show right now, and you'll figure it out, all right? I'm gonna get hit on the head.
Would you back up, please? We're playing a game here.
Thank you.
[man grunts.]
- This all belongs to Debbie? - [Mikey.]
You get the fragrances.
I'll get the shoes and the dresses.
[upbeat rock music.]
[phone clatters.]
Mikey, we did it.
Port money.
We got money.
We can go to the ER for your disgusting and infected port thing.
How's it going? Oh, you know, I'm crushing it.
I lied before.
I don't really know how to make tamales.
I just wanted to spend time with you in a place that smells like corn.
'Cause you like me.
No, this is not the place that sells stolen goods as a side hustle.
Unless you got the secret password.
- I'm Mimi.
- V.
Do you wanna get a nightcap, V? Maybe somewhere that people aren't staring.
Bye, best friends.
Have fun.
Brings you to church? AA.
You? NMAA, new mom AA.
I'm Sarah.
Debbie! O, captain, our captain! We're sticking it to the man.
We're on strike.
You're Frank Gallagher's boy.
Listen, you're not welcome here, Liam.
You gotta understand that Frank and Monica wronged this family 20 ways since Tuesday.
But I'm just the only black person in a house full of crackers.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of What is this feeling You're so sure of? [soft acoustic music.]
[traffic rumbles.]
My pinto, Papa.
That's our money, Debbie.
It was your money until you and La Cucaracha over here stole all my shit.
Now it belongs to me, along with anything else you receive for the rest of your silly, little life.
That's bullshit.
And I'm taking the rest of the cash Fiona left into buying a car, something tangible you guys can't squander.
I can see you're emotional.
Let's just I am as cool as a motherfucking cucumber.
Thank you for your contribution.
What the hell? You you got dialysis.
I'm not 100 percent, Frank.
I dreamed about my death last night.
How'd you die? Infected port.
My father was there.
He was shaking his head.
He was disappointed.
I let him down.
How? What more could he possibly want from a son? So many things.
He worked like a dog, my dad.
He had a little shoe repair shop.
He'd make keys.
His dying wish was that I'd become a real businessman.
[guttural noise.]
You wan you wanna be a businessman? Let's make you a businessman.
Rise and shine, my pal.
- I I can't.
- You can't? You think Lee Iacocca ever said "I can't"? Yeah.
Didn't he die? [laughs.]
I rest my case.
Come on.
- [Frank.]
Okay, good.
- Oh, shit.
- [Frank.]
One more.
- [Mikey.]
Oh! - [Frank grunts.]
- [Mikey.]
Fuck 'em.
- Hey! - [Mikey.]
I'm dizzy.
I am too.
- I'm dizzy, Frank.
- Here's your shirt.
- [Mikey.]
Get my back.
- [Frank.]
I got it.
I thought you already had a job.
I do.
Well, I did, but we're on strike.
And when you're on strike, you don't get paid.
So now, I'm looking for another job.
What's a strike? [Debbie.]
An excuse not to work until management agrees to pay you more and work you less.
Fucking Frank.
But the Union still wants us to walk around for four hours a day with a sign, chanting shit.
Is that what those are for? Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
There we go.
Hey, no more fake boob? What? No, no, no.
That thing really made an impression on people, huh? Boobs will do that.
[water running.]
- [Freddie coos.]
- [Lip.]
I gotcha.
You should put him in the Pack 'n Play while you heat the milk up, then make your coffee.
Pro tip.
All right.
[Freddie coos.]
- Hey, you ready? - [Liam.]
I thought being in a union meant you made more money.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Not any more in Trump's America.
All right, I'm just gonna put you here, okay? Daddy's gonna go make some coffee.
He's gonna be right back, okay? You're doing great, buddy.
- You're doing so good.
- [Freddie cries.]
I hear you, huh.
I hear you, I hear you.
Pro tip: don't give out people's social security numbers and tell Uncle Sam where they were.
How do you expect to get an ATM card? Nobody wanted an ATM card.
All we wanted was cash.
[Freddie cries.]
How's Tami? She's better.
Out of ICU.
Hopefully, she's out of the hospital soon.
[Freddie cries.]
Better be out of the hospital soon.
[rock music plays over speakers.]
That's a relic.
- I'll give you five for it.
- Mm.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Tell your friends about us.
We buy and sell.
Gonna love this.
- Hey, V.
- Hey.
Can I get a bloody Mary? - I thought you had to work.
- That's why I need a bloody.
These fucking black doctors no offense.
None taken.
I'm not a doctor.
I'm trying to get them to prescribe this new drug for hypertension and diabetes, but none of them gives a shit.
Too expensive? [Mimi.]
Mm, no drug is too expensive if you have Medicare.
It's these damn marketing restrictions.
See, back in the day, I used to be able to just take 'em to dinner or some bullshit offsite in Hawaii.
They would write all the scripts you wanted, but now it's all illegal.
Mm, that's a bad thing? It is if you gotta eat.
Look at you two.
Like two friends from that old show Friends.
Only there were no black friends.
Or Asian friends.
Can I get you guys anything? Bag of SmartPop!, chardonnay? We're good, thanks.
All right, just let me know.
I don't know what he's talking about.
We don't even have chardonnay.
How much you'd give me for this? [dog whining.]
Give me 20, and I'll throw in the gay little vest for free.
That's Mrs.
Zeigler's emotional support animal.
Take him back right now, man.
The poor woman's probably losing her shit.
[dog whining.]
At least you didn't become an artist.
Those guys died poor.
Monet, Van Gogh, all of 'em, except for the guy that that drew Snoopy.
Well, he was funnier than all of 'em.
Snoopy cracked me up.
- Yeah.
- Ha.
Well, here we are.
What does this have to do with being a businessman? If you're gonna go into business, the first thing you're gonna need is capital.
Today is your lucky day.
Me and my friend here, we're the wish granters.
So, if you really want your wish to come true, you're gonna wanna give that coin to me.
But only if you want the wish to come true.
Really? Absolutely.
That's why we're here.
Scrape up all the coins in the fountain so we can make all the wishes come true.
What do you wish for? My dog Steve ran away.
I wish he'd come home.
Well, put food in his bowl, 'cause Steve will be home before you know it.
Thank you! Make a wish.
Nah, I don't believe in stuff like that.
Make a wish.
What can it hurt? Plus, we're just gonna wade in and get it.
[coin plops.]
You wish you were a businessman? - Yeah.
- Too bad.
You should have wished for a new port.
Oh, well.
See those guys over there? These squares.
Expense account, healthcare.
Look at that breakfast burrito, size of a baby.
Those guys are suckers.
I wanted to be like them.
I went to college and everything, job No, shit? You went to college? Me too.
Malcolm X.
Good school.
Community college, but What happened? I told you what happened.
I bought a Blockbuster video store with my pop, lost everything, the muffler shop, the car, the house.
My father committed suicide.
That sounds depressing.
But today's a new day.
You wanna be a businessman? You gotta think like a businessman.
I have no idea what that means.
It means we're gonna need some new threads.
- [Lip.]
- Hey, Lip.
[woman speaking indistinctly.]
I actually started boiling some cabbage.
You're new.
What's your name? Uh, me Lip.
I got a baby, uh, boy.
This is a safe space.
Thank you.
Does your wife work or Oh, no, we're we're not married, actually.
Yeah, she's still in the hospital, um Oh, I'm so sorry.
What happened? A C-section.
Uh, there were some complications.
Hope she makes it.
Yeah, she's, uh she's out of ICU.
She's getting better.
Poor thing.
Can I bring you dinner? No.
Thank you, though.
- That's very nice.
- [Paige.]
You sure? - Yeah, yeah.
- I'd be happy to.
You don't want that dinner.
Woman can't warm up a Hot Pocket.
Let me give you my number in case you need anything.
- [Gina.]
What's your number? - My number is: I like anal.
Hey, whoa.
Thank you, Paige.
Okay, why don't we get started? We're here because being a new parent is hard.
Being a new parent while trying to stay sober Harder than my dick at a Bublé concert.
Point is, as a sober mother myself, I know what you're going through.
All you wanna do is drink a fifth, house a lasagna, and hide in a dumpster until that baby stops crying.
And that's why we're here, to learn how to raise strong, independent children, and to take care of ourselves.
I have three beautiful children, and last week, I read a book.
- Wow.
- You fucking kidding me? How do you have the time? You know, Paige, I put myself first.
That's how.
In the words of Gandhi, "Fuck everybody.
" Self-sufficient children are happy children.
[train roars.]
[tires screech.]
[engine rumbles.]
[speaking Spanish.]
[upbeat music plays on the stereo.]
[vocalist singing in Spanish.]
[dramatic Latin music.]
[clickers clacking.]
[speaking Spanish.]
What's going on? No imitation The one, I am original I'm that bitch Yeah, you already know Ooh, ooh I'm a confident woman Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Ooh [pounding on door.]
I know what I'm doing Buenos días.
[speaking Spanish.]
I don't have a green card.
I'm a U.
I'm sure you have an ID.
[dog barking.]
You got a search warrant? I do not, don't need one.
I'm not searching for anything.
We received information that there are undocumented immigrants living here.
- You know anything about that? - Nope.
Sir, I wasn't asking you.
No, sir.
You can drive.
I need to see additional proof of citizenship, passport, social security card This is racial profiling.
You wouldn't be asking that if she wasn't a woman of color.
I'm an immigration agent, sir.
I'm simply here to keep you safe.
Come on, Anne, you don't gotta show this guy shit.
Here you go, Adolf.
How'd you know my name's Adolf? It smells good in here.
What you cookin', good lookin'? Tamales, for breakfast.
If only we would have gotten here a little bit earlier.
Yeah, maybe next time, 'cause we will be back.
Don't you worry.
I'm not worried.
You remind me of a little dog, always barking.
Ruff, ruff.
[both scoff.]
What a gorgeous display of Goodwill sartorial splendor.
You ever read that book Dress for Success? No.
Me neither, but the title's self-explanatory.
You wanna be a businessman, you gotta look the part.
Oh, gorgeous.
Can we try something a little more conservative? You gotta trust me here, Mikey.
I'm good with color.
Just so you know, I'm not a red man.
I like a nice velar.
Okay, I don't know what that means, but we'll make sure you look damn dapper.
Uh, oh, yeah.
A pocket square to tie it all together.
Just damn.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
You are ready to go, good sir.
But first, let's get ourselves a hot, nutritious breakfast.
Where you wanna go? The Residence Inn has a waffle maker.
Just staying.
I do like waffles.
But the Double Tree has fresh fruit.
Anybody got sausage? - Links or patties? - Patties.
Hope you're hungry.
Put your pants on.
I gotta find something.
Hey, Mavar, what's up? Afraid I'm the bearer of some sad news.
Great-Aunt Addie is dead.
Oh, wow.
And I know you two didn't spend much time together, but you were family and she loved you.
How'd she die? Homicide? Stray bullet? Racist cop with an itchy trigger finger? What? No, the woman was 82.
She died in her sleep.
So a heroin overdose? No, look, I know everyone processes grief differently, but this is your great-great-aunt, twice removed on your third cousin's s well look, I'm not exactly sure what the genealogy is, but it'd be great if you could attend the homecoming tonight with the rest of the family at the funeral home.
A homecoming? Yeah, in our family, when we lose someone we love, we get together and celebrate that person's life.
There gonna be booze? Man, those Gallaghers really did a number on you.
Look, it's gonna be okay.
Wait, hold on.
Is there something in your ear? That's not mine.
Well, it was in your ear.
Have a great day, Liam.
I'll see you tonight.
[engine turns over.]
What the hell? [sighs.]
[upbeat soulful music.]
We could greet the sun in the morning Walk among the stars at night They say every sign's a warning And I guess they You're gonna want to put the mini bagel on the little conveyor belt so that it's toasted by the time you wanna sit down.
Come here to sleep Not there, but I'm on my way How'd you sleep last night? Like a baby.
I always sleep better when I'm on the road.
- Ditto that.
- [Mikey.]
Come along with me Let me take you to the sun Hey, come along - [Frank.]
Your bagel.
- Oh, my bagel, my bagel.
Let me take you to the sun Oh, shit.
Five bucks? [Megan.]
Debbie? It's Megan.
Oh, shit.
Last time I saw you, you were getting dragged out of D-Hall.
What's that green thing? [Megan.]
That's a mango.
That's what a mango looks like? Yeah.
Who are all these kids? They're mine.
All of 'em? Yeah, you know, it's different baby daddies.
Oh, my gosh, damn.
How do you afford to feed 'em all? - You marry rich? - [Megan.]
I got a good lawyer.
It's child support, and all the fathers contribute.
Really? Some more than others, obviously.
So, like, the more they give me in child support, the better clothes I get for the kid.
No shit? Yeah, that's why Moesha is wearing Ralph Lauren, and Chip is wearing shit from Goodwill.
Chip, you get what Daddy pays for.
Is this Franny? Yeah.
What's going on here with these clothes? Is Derek, like, a deadbeat dad? No.
I mean, he offered to pay child support, but he wanted partial custody.
So I said "No.
" Shared custody is a godsend.
It's a free babysitter.
Let him have the kid one night a week.
That's when you go out.
You bust out your humps.
You go to a bar, and you get that pie cream.
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
You gotta earn that sperm.
A sperm deposit is a bank deposit.
Yeah, maybe.
Either way, I would definitely revisit the Derek situation.
Milk him for everything you can get.
Oh, my God.
Look at that fine-looking Jew.
You know that man has a good job.
I gotta go.
Okay, good seeing you, Megan.
Come on.
Come on.
- Okay, okay.
- [child babbles.]
Hmm? Shalom.
That woman that was crying that one time, is she okay? Oh, Minal, suffering from postpartum depression.
Also known as "Weeps McGee", "Tears for Fears", "Emily Post-Partum," and "The Crying Game.
" God bless her.
The one who never stops giving you medical updates on her vagina.
Yes, deep, deep details.
That's Sharon.
Needless to say we call her "Over-Sharon", but not to her face.
What's your nickname? I don't have a nickname.
At least that I know of.
I'm too normal.
- [Lip.]
- [Sarah.]
What? Only crazy people say that.
[Sarah laughs.]
Oh, that, uh that lady with the fake baby, what's what's going on there? Oh, Gina.
She lost her baby during childbirth.
Supposedly, her therapist said the doll would help her overcome the loss.
Wow, that's uh That's terrible.
What's her nickname? Batshit Gina.
You guys are a sympathetic group, huh? Again, we only call her that behind her back.
Sorry about your baby mama.
I had complications with my first C-section too.
She's gonna be fine.
Yeah, I hope so.
So, what do you do when you're not in AA or whatever? I teach babies how to swim.
What? Bullshit.
I do! I'm an infant swim instructor.
That's a thing? Yeah, it's good for them.
Builds muscle, improves coordination and balance, sleep Right before they drown.
They've been swimming for nine months in amniotic fluid.
A swimming pool's no different.
Yeah, but it is.
I can get Fred in the water when he's six months.
No, no, no thank you.
Trust me, if you ever want a life, the sooner he learns the better.
Come by the Y today, and I'll show you how it's done.
How you feeling, buddy? Much better.
I just think I needed to eat something.
[dishes clang.]
- [Frank.]
Work charts.
- Last quarter.
- [Frank.]
- Trending.
- [Frank.]
- Dividends.
- Absolutely.
- [Mikey.]
- Well, you got to.
- [Mikey.]
I think it's probably time for us to make our move.
What move? See the two guys sitting behind ya? When they go back to the buffet, do what I do.
Okay, okay.
We should probably keep going.
- Show time.
- [Mikey.]
Show time.
- Go.
- [Mikey.]
[upbeat rock music.]
Hey What's my name? Uh, Bethany.
That's us.
[tires squeal.]
The dude is suspect.
What dude, Mavar? Yeah.
I really think you're gonna enjoy these, Mrs.
Please, tell all your friends about us.
Yo! Yo, crackhead! What are you gonna do, steal it and try to sell it back to me? I am not a crackhead.
Oh, but you are a thief, though? Hey.
Man, get out of here.
[indistinct chatter.]
Seriously, something's not right.
Agreed, you don't play basketball at Georgetown and then become a used car salesman.
- Unless - What? I don't have an unless.
I'm just saying you don't see that a lot.
What do you think, V? What does this guy want from me? Nothing, he's just a conscious brother.
That's all.
Maybe, but he's also a boring brother.
Can't argue with you there.
Man kept score at the baseball game, brought a little pencil and everything.
How do you not trust the jumbotron? Trust the jumbotron.
He kept score? Then put the scoresheets in a little memory box.
- No, he didn't.
- He showed it to us.
Dead butterflies in there too.
I think I even saw a stamp.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he told me an African folktale the other day.
- It lasted two hours.
- [Kev.]
That's too long.
And I think that was just part one.
And then there's this.
[TV announcer.]
Comes back.
A little high on the check swing.
A quarter? Dude pulled that shit out of my ear.
He did what? It's a magic trick.
He pulled that out of your ear? It's the dark arts, V.
The man is obviously trying to lure Liam into some kind of cult.
[soft piano music plays.]
[woman weeping.]
- Yes? - Hi, Pepa.
Is Derek here? Debbie, what do you want? That is between Derek and me.
My husband's gone.
Gone where? Is he stateside or overseas? 'Cause I really need to speak with him.
Derek is dead.
Yeah, yeah.
Knock that shit off.
Seriously, where is he? [woman sobbing.]
Oh, shit.
You're serious.
Wait, is he dead or a hostage? 'Cause that yellow ribbon and the flag at half-mast are kind of confusing.
I'm sorry, Debbie, but you're not welcome here, all right? [piano music muffled.]
Pens, business magazine, paper clips what a loser.
Take the magazine.
Well, if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
What is it? "The Art of Self-Promotion" at the convention center.
Maybe we could sell 'em.
Sell 'em? We're going.
Wait, I thought you were going to SoulCycle.
Change of plans.
Yeah, with bacon, medium rare.
[door opens.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Well, the fucking caravan is back.
Oh, relax.
They're good people.
Not for business.
Every day, they come in and take over like it's their own personal business center.
They buy, like, one Mountain Dew and sit around for hours, sucking down my Wi-Fi.
How the hell do they even know the password? Uh, probably 'cause I gave it to them.
I have one password in my life, Carl, use it for everything.
Oh, sorry.
You should probably use more than one, you know.
Throw in a capital or a dollar sign or something.
No shit.
What's her problem? [Carl.]
I don't know.
Hey, but we can watch Netflix on our phones now.
Que pasa? Bad news.
ICE got the Mendozas.
Which ones? The fat ones.
The skinny ones got away.
I think we need to move somewhere else until things cool down.
Where? - Under the bridge.
- Too crowded.
What about that place with a house? Do you mind the driving? [Anne.]
That wasn't bad.
And this time of year, the rail yard's nice.
Wait, hold up.
If you need a place to lay low for a while, you can stay at my house.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
I'm not gonna let you sleep in a rail yard.
Thank you, Carl.
[rock music.]
You're the best, Mavar.
Thanks, brother.
I know.
I apologize.
I should have told you it didn't take diesel fuel when I sold you the car.
I'll let you know when it's fixed.
- Meanwhile, enjoy the Ford.
- Thanks again.
Hey, my pleasure.
Appreciate your business.
All right, have a good one, man.
[door opens.]
What's your deal, Mavar? - Liam? - Are you in a cult? What? I just watched that dude play you.
He put the wrong kind of gas in his car and you give him a loaner.
That's right out of the Bible.
needs a car for work, so I loaned him one.
That's what we do.
We help each other out, lift each other up.
"We" as in the cult? "We" as in responsible black men.
Well, what you should have done is charged dumbass 1,000 bucks for violating a warranty.
There is no warranty.
He doesn't know that.
Look, I sell used cars, Liam.
But if I can make just one person's day a little better, a little brighter, then that's a very good day.
Is it? [chuckles.]
You're hilarious, man.
Look, I'll see you later on at the homecoming, okay? Lots of people excited to meet you.
[buttons clacking.]
Oh, you crushed it, and you're here to celebrate I suck and I'm here for a Bad Dog rocks.
What happened? These doctors, man, they hate me.
Half of them won't even meet with me.
How you know they hate you, then? Because I'm Asian and they're black.
Why do black people hate Asians? 'Cause in a crowd, you push and shove, and your tiny, little noses.
Do those things even work? Okay, why do black people think they're so much cooler than everybody else? 'Cause we are, and don't you dare bring up Carlton or that brother from Star Trek.
They aren't real.
What the hell is Freaknik? You won't have to worry about it, 'cause you not invited.
Why are black people so loud in movies? Why y'all take so many selfies? - Why are we friends again? - 'Cause I'm adorable.
[upbeat music plays over speakers.]
Stupid doctors.
You know what? You should just come with me.
Maybe they'll listen to a black woman.
I read the material.
What's the problem? Me, I'm the problem.
I'm Asian.
Mimi, doctors are smart people.
You just need to bring them a jar of pickles.
Pickles? Doctors like pickles? Who cares what the doctors love? They're not for the doctors.
They're for the office manager.
She's your gatekeeper.
What does this have to do with pickles? Pickles provide essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants; improve digestion and liver protection.
Basically, the same benefits as your drug.
Oh, shit.
How do you know so much about pickles? Tell the office manager that your drug is like a jar of pickles but better.
I promise she'll call you back.
[upbeat music.]
Oh, shit, cabbies.
Easy, townspeople.
I'm just doing my job.
Piece of shit! What's their problem? They don't believe in rideshare.
[indistinct shouting.]
Get out ass out of here! Get the fuck out of here.
No way I'm getting out.
How you like me now, you cabbie fucks? Uh, what what was your name again? I'm Dave.
Stick it up your ass.
Is that a AK-47, Frank? A Kalashnikov AK-47? I don't give a shit what model it is.
It's a fucking machine gun.
Is that even legal? - Um, good luck, Dave.
- Good luck, Dave.
Oh, shit.
Make make sure you give me five stars.
You know when I said you could stay here? I didn't mean your entire family.
Oh, we thought you meant the plural "you", "ustedes".
Did you mean the singular "you", "tu"? Yeah.
That's why Spanish is better.
It's more specific.
[upbeat Latin music.]
Come on What's going on? It's Anne's family.
Who's Anne? - I work with her.
- I don't care.
Derek died.
Really? You know how? I don't know.
I didn't ask.
I'm sorry.
I mean, at least you and Franny are gonna be rich now.
- How are we gonna be rich? - [Carl.]
'Cause of the DB.
- A what? - [Carl.]
The death benefit.
When someone dies in the military, the family gets, like, 100,000 bucks.
It's the only reason most of these women stay married to these jarheads, just waiting till they end tits up so they can get paid too.
Is that so? [vocalist sings upbeat Latin song.]
Yeah, that that that baby's too young to swim.
You gotta trust me.
This is how they learn.
I don't know.
I think just being near the water, that's that's a great first step.
So we're just gonna [Sarah.]
I know it's scary, but babies never learn how to swim if you don't empower them.
[Sarah breathes in.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, is he okay? Look at him.
He's fine.
How are you? Fucking terrified.
Do you not know how to swim? In case my yacht capsizes? No.
Why would I know how to swim? [Sarah.]
Kids only learn through trial and error.
It's amazing what they're capable of if you just give 'em the space.
So you throw babies in a river? [Sarah.]
It's a swimming pool, and I barely dipped him underwater.
I I I don't want Fred in the water, like, ever.
That's ridiculous.
That's why most children are terrified, don't know how to self-soothe.
When they can't solve problems on their own, they throw tantrums, are allergic to everything.
Next thing you know, they're 28-years-old, living in their parents' basement, blaming the world and, ironically, their parents for their shortcomings, wanting to kill themselves because the wireless is too slow.
Oh, your examples are intense.
What about your wife, Tami? What does she think? Uh, we are not married.
Um and I don't know.
You know, we we we didn't really have a chance to discuss parenting styles in the ICU, so These cab drivers are no joke.
Uber's taking food out of the baby's mouth.
- Gotta say, I sympathize.
- We could have died.
- Dave probably did die.
- [Frank laughs.]
All part of life's rich tapestry.
Welcome to The Art of Self-Promotion.
- Andrew, Donna Marcus.
Wow, that's a firm handshake.
Thank you.
- Tyler Mamaliger.
- Oh.
[indistinct chatter.]
[keyboard clacking, phone ringing.]
Delgado Derek.
There you are.
Death benefit's been paid in full.
Francis Gallagher's not listed as one of the designated beneficiaries.
That fucker.
If you feel there's been an injustice, you need to contact the widow.
How'd he die? [keyboard clacks.]
Got sideways drunk, stole the tank, drove it into the Suez Canal.
Sank like a rock, didn't even try to escape.
Apparently thought it was also a submarine.
Where is he buried? Private Delgado is still at the bottom of the Suez, ma'am.
Buried inside an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank worth about $9 million.
There's highly-motivated jihadists who have done less damage to the U.
- Shit.
- Sorry for your loss.
Your nation is grateful.
Next in line! [phone rings.]
[exhales deeply.]
[upbeat hip-hop music.]
Look, I'm a breath of fresh air Yes, I am the best Yeah! He got it.
He got three.
He got all three.
Yeah! Just look around when I'm 'round Let me see your smile When I go and look at you, I see your file So you should wave the white flag I don't need y'all time Eh.
The minute that I'll be by witnesses I wanna finish it, yeah I can't be contained to think I was at the box When feed my brain And if I seem the same It's 'cause I'm on a whole nother level I don't need the lane All I need is the wind, it's in my path I'll remember this - [woman, indistinct.]
- Make a splash Impress them Be consistent and steady So let me ask a question Are you ready? I'm in high demand, not anyone can advance Just like I can, you don't even stand a chance While I do my dance, and I hate to lose - [Frank.]
- [man groans.]
Ah When I'm in control, I go straight to the hole Like a give and go, if you're bored with the norm I'ma break the mold and break the rules [Frank.]
T-shirt, come on, T-shirt, come on No, no ah! 'Cause I'm makin' moves I'm in high demand, not anyone can advance Just like I can, you don't even stand a chance Tryin' to do my dance.
And I hate to lose One more? Good.
I'ma break the mold and break the rules 'Cause I'm, 'cause I'm makin' - Moves - [Mikey.]
Frank, Frank! Where the hell did you get that? Booth 279! - Hurry! - When I'm in control I go straight to the hole like a give and go If you're bored with the norm, I'ma break the mold And break the rules 'cause I'm makin' Moves Hi, Pepa.
I'm sorry.
I just realized I didn't offer my condolences.
I was just so stunned.
Don't act like you care.
You're the town pump who tricked him into getting you pregnant.
Okay, this isn't about me.
This is about Franny, Derek's daughter.
She deserves his death benefit.
Derek's death benefit went to his legitimate children.
- Which Franny is.
- Is she? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Derek told me about you Gallaghers.
You dick! I want Franny's money.
Oh, my God my husband is dead, and you show up demanding money? Derek was right.
You are a terrible person.
- [pounds door.]
- Derek didn't say that about me, you bitch! - [thud.]
- Fuck you, Pepa! - Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Free? - Free.
Ah! Ha ha.
I love this place! Mmm.
What do you wanna do next? The Wine and Winners mixer is at 4:00 in the Chesapeake Room.
I think we definitely want to hit that.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind going back to booth 28 again.
I can't believe they rated my handshake a six.
I think I need to squeeze harder.
Also, I wouldn't mind going back to booth 8 one last time and win one of those stainless steel water bottles.
The hydration vessel.
I got one.
You could cheer me on.
I been cheering for you all day.
It's not my fault you can't spin a wheel.
You go to the mixer, then.
I'm going to booth 8.
No, come on! The whole point of this was to do it together.
No, the point of this was to let me be a businessman, but fine, as long as baby Frank gets to do what he wants to do You can have the hydration vessel there, take it.
I don't want your hydration vessel.
- Take it.
- No! Take the goddamn water bottle! No! [lowers voice.]
Take the goddamn water bottle.
No! - [quietly.]
Pick it up.
- [snickers.]
Pick up the goddamn bottle.
- No Ow! - Pick it up! [coughing.]
[continues coughing.]
[upbeat band music over speakers.]
- [patting back.]
- [grunts, groans.]
Okay? [small laugh.]
Never better.
Never better.
No, I'm sorry.
This has been the best day of my life.
I don't want us fighting anymore.
A-B-C Always be celebrating.
Whatever you wanna do next is fine with me.
I was being childish.
You pick.
- Mikey - You pick.
[cheerful band music continues.]
I got a great idea.
[door opens.]
[background chatter.]
How'd it go? You are a genius.
That's how I go.
Went great all the office managers love their pickles.
I have five doctor's visits set up already.
That's awesome.
Can I get a Bad Dog, rocks, please.
Course! V, you're so good at this shit.
Of course, office managers.
Those are the key.
Just happy I can help.
- Come work for me.
- What? It can just be your side hustle; you're a natural, and you have a background in healthcare, right? I was a nurse's aide.
I will pay you 20 bucks for every script that they write.
You want me to talk to doctors? I want you to take over all my African-American accounts, and then I can be free to expand my Asian clientele.
Let me think about it, okay? We make such a good team.
V, you'd make really great money.
I mean, I make a lotta money, and I'm just average at best, especially for an Asian.
Man, get your leg off my bar.
That's not my leg.
You stole somebody's prosthetic leg? - No, found it.
- Oh, really where? On a person.
Out! Get the fuck out! [soft music plays.]
What the hell is this place? This, my friend, is the Michigan Avenue Club Otherwise known as The American Dream.
We don't belong here, Frank.
I probably don't even know the guys in the kitchen.
Relax the host is an old friend of mine.
Owes me a favor.
- Frank Gallagher! - [laughing.]
Holy shit, I haven't seen you in ages.
- You're doin' okay? - Yeah, pretty good.
Ha ha.
You look like shit.
Thank you! Mikey, meet the great Owen O'Connell.
Owen, my best friend Mikey.
Pleasure to meet you, Mikey.
Same to you.
You're welcome to grab a seat at the bar.
Good to see you.
So Megan filled me in.
Told me how you got fucked out of your baby daddy's death benefit.
Derek's widow seems to have forgotten that Franny's one of his children too.
Yeah, well, my job is to make sure she remembers.
Patty's the best at this shit.
You ready to get paid? Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
Let's do it.
[soft ambient music plays.]
Smells like money.
Ha ha.
That's the food Money sandwiches with money gravy on top.
Richard Sears and Alvah Roebuck used to sit at a table right over there where they decided to build the Sears Tower.
No shit.
And Mayor Daley talked Ford into building the Lawndale assembly plant over ice-cold martinis right there at that table right there.
Rumor has it a couple of Polish hookers were thrown in to seal the deal.
And right back there in that corner, eight Chicago White Sox decided to stick it to old man Comiskey by throwing the 1919 World Series 'cause they were all underpaid.
Good for them.
How can I help you gentlemen? - Two Jack Daniel's, please.
- Yes, sir.
Ah, wait.
Make that Gentleman Jack.
Very well, sir.
Uh I don't have quite enough change to pay for that.
It's on me.
Why, thank you, Mikey.
- [bartender.]
Here you are.
- Thank you.
Ooh, yeah.
Cashews? The fillet of the nut family.
Yes, please.
You know, I saw someone with a T-shirt the other day that said, "Life is good.
" And I thought "Is it?" Not if you live in Syria or Venezuela.
Well, after today I saw how good it can be.
I wanna keep living.
Glad to hear it.
That's good.
To friendship.
[glasses clink.]
I'm gonna miss you, my friend.
Miss me? Where you goin'? I need a new port.
This one's really infected.
How bad is it? I can't feel the right side of my torso.
Let's just go back to the vet.
Let him pour some more alcohol on it.
It won't last.
You know, I can't keep doing this emergency backstreet healthcare no more.
I can't I can't live life worrying about my kidney every single day, wondering when I'm gonna need dialysis again or a new port.
It's too stressful for me.
What are you saying? [exhales.]
I'm going back to prison.
I can get free healthcare from real people doctors.
Prison? With the best healthcare this country provides for poor people.
Fancy whisky.
It'll be my last drink for a while not made from cleaning fluid and raisins.
Sorry, Mikey.
It's good.
I'm taking up a collection to place fresh flowers on great Aunt Addie's grave.
Would you like to make a contribution? [blues music plays over stereo.]
[door slams.]
Hey, wait up.
Hey, man, I saw what you did back there.
Collecting money for fresh flowers? I want you to know I respect that a lot.
You know, I know a good florist who can get us a bunch of flowers for a good price.
I'm keeping this money.
What? - Why would you do that? - I need it.
So do the people who gave it to you.
You lied to them.
Look, I-I been nothing but nice to you.
Welcomed you with open arms.
Don't you get it? We're family.
But it's like the nicer I am to you, the nastier you get Why? I don't know.
You don't know.
What, you gonna tell me you can't help it? It's in your nature or some bullshit like that? No.
I can't believe I wasted a single second on you.
I believed in you.
You're part of our family, and because of that, we would do anything for you anything.
And you just spit in our faces.
Don't you get it? Family is everything! And you finally get the chance to have one, and you just throw it all away.
Well, you know what, Liam? Fuck you! There it is.
I knew it.
You are from the South Side.
[soft laugh.]
You think I like saying stuff like that? I don't curse.
I hate saying things like that.
Oh, well.
I hate Gallaghers, man.
You motherfuckers bring out the worst in everybody.
What, you proud of that? Hey, man, I know who I am.
[train tracks clacking.]
[thumping dance music plays over speakers.]
[woman rapping in Spanish.]
[background chatter.]
Holy shit, hey! What are you what are you What are you doing? Why didn't you call me? I would have come to pick you up.
- [both laughing.]
- Hey.
It's all right.
It's all right.
You're home now.
Hi, Fred.
It's me, it's Mommy.
Actually, this one's mine.
Fred is over there.
[Spanish rapping continues.]
You okay? You all right? Yeah? Oh, my God, hey! What the fuck why are there so many Mexicans here? - Hey! - Hi! Thanks, Frank.
I mean it.
Mikey, wait.
We can figure this out.
- Frank.
- We'll get jobs.
Nobody's gonna hire us.
Well, then we'll save up so that you can get dialysis every week.
That's not gonna happen! We're gonna spend all the money on booze.
I'll stop drinking.
Don't be ridiculous.
If it'll keep you outta jail Frank, I appreciate it, but I'm sick.
I can't do the hustle no more.
Do you think it's coincidence that we found each other twice? I can take care of you.
When we find half a slice of pizza in the dumpster or some uneaten fries on a table at McDonald's, I think to myself, "Hope Mikey's hungry.
" When you were getting dialysis, I prayed.
[voice breaks.]
I actually prayed.
I really hope that my last day on Earth is with you, my friend.
[peppy music.]
Don't never stop drinking, Frank.
Don't ever stop drinkin'.
Can I at least call ya a cab? No, thanks.
I got a ride.
- Officer? - Hmm? [both grunt.]
Ha! - [handcuffs jangling.]
- [officer groans.]
[handcuffs clicking.]
Watch your head.
[door closes.]
[siren whooping.]
[rock pop.]
Hey, asshole, get the fuck outta my house! - S-sorry! - Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, you again, the crackhead from the Alibi? Man, I told you, I'm not a crackhead.
I'm just poor, man.
Look, my girl left me; I don't have a job.
I'm starving, man.
I haven't eaten in days.
Look, man, I'm sorry about that, but you can't take my microwave.
Okay, I get it.
Classic one percenters, huh? Don't wanna pay your fair share.
What? [sighs.]
All right, look, man, I hear you, all right? You want a sandwich? I got turkey, I got bread.
Swiss cheese.
Let me fix you a sandwich.
Well, I appreciate that, but no thank you.
I just really want money for crack.
I thought you said you were starvin'.
I am.
For crack.
Get the fuck outta my house.

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