Shameless US s10e05 Episode Script


1 [birds tweeting.]
Oh, for shit's sake, you already forgot what happened last week on Shameless? Would you just pay attention? [car engine rumbles.]
What? We're all gonna die eventually.
Oh, my gosh, you marry rich? I got a good lawyer.
It's child support, and all the fathers contribute.
I would definitely revisit that Derek situation.
Derek is dead.
This is about Franny, Derek's daughter.
She deserves his death benefit.
Derek's widow seems to have forgotten that Franny's one of his children too.
Yeah, well, my job is to make sure she remembers.
- You ready to get paid? - Yeah.
You can't go in that bathroom right now and rub one out in under three minutes.
It says you'll never come forward to claim any paternity rights.
Usually there's some exchange of funds when rights are signed away.
How's 5K for your trouble? I'd be a lot less trouble for 10.
I'm Sarah.
I have three kids under five.
He likes you.
We meet at the end of the hall, last door on the left, if you ever want to come by.
- [Debbie.]
How's she doing? - [Lip.]
She's got a bad infection.
All jacked up on drugs.
What are you doing? Why didn't you call me? I would have come to pick you up.
What's going on? [Carl.]
If you need a place to lay low for a while, you can stay at my house.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
I'm not gonna let you sleep in a rail yard.
Thank you, Carl.
You know, when I said you could stay here, I didn't mean your entire family.
[door slams.]
From the parole board.
I have a hearing on the 10th.
I thought I'd be here at least a year, didn't you? You're not throwing your fucking parole for me.
We need to get you the hell outta this shithole.
- I wanna be with you! - You don't get to be.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [percussive music.]
[inhales sharply.]
Fuck, that shit's strong.
[funky bass music.]
[line trilling.]
- [Fred crying.]
- [Tami.]
Okay, okay.
[phone ringing.]
Diapers, where's diapers? [Fred continues crying.]
[phone ringing.]
What? [Lip.]
Hi, how's it going? I dropped him in a pile of beer bottles.
Broken glass everywhere.
Franny's giving him mouth-to-mouth, but it's not looking good.
That why he's screaming? He's screaming because he's a baby, Lip.
I wait at night Waited for you But I was waiting in vain You left me solo Thanks.
[door slams.]
Filling up with the rain So fill the water To the sky [Lip.]
How was prison? Turn you gay? [Ian.]
Yeah, I'm a big ol' cock hound now.
You know, if you weren't my brother, I'd [guard.]
Shut the fuck up and get out here.
[gate buzzes.]
[Feet's "Ad Blue" playing.]
[upbeat funky music.]
Smells like caramel.
It's crème brûlée, actually.
Got one of these vape things from Carl.
Trying to quit smoking for Fred.
Aren't those things worse for you? Yeah, you know they market these to kids, you know? Bastards would have one in Fred's hand if he could hold anything bigger than a rattle.
Where is the little guy, huh? May or may not be lying in a pile of glass.
Huh? He's with Tami.
She wanted to take care of him alone today.
Sorta hoping you'd bring him.
Yeah, I would have felt better if I did.
Tami's not exactly a natural caretaker.
But, hey, what do you wanna do, huh? Wanna get some White Castle or Ah, you know, actually, just want to head home, see everybody, meet the kid.
I missed everyone.
Soft bitch.
The fuck you got a lady car? Well, it's Tami's car.
It's kinda cute, though, right? Oh, we're saying words like, "cute" now, are we, Pops, huh? Yeah, we're saying words like "cute.
" [Tami.]
Has anyone seen my breast pump? - This baby refuses to eat! - [Fred crying.]
God, my boobs are gonna explode.
And this is me at target practice.
I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and - [overlapping chatter.]
- [Fred crying.]
Uh, are you listening to me? Yeah, uh-huh.
What's with you and JLo? - [Carl.]
Who, Anne? - [Kelly.]
She's just a friend from work.
He shit again.
Why is Anne here? 'Cause we're hiding her from ICE.
Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas.
And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [laughs.]
You're so funny, Carl.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today? - [Anne.]
- [Debbie.]
- [all exclaim.]
- [Liam.]
Ew! [Tami.]
Oh, grow up, you guys.
We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it.
It's closer to the washing machine.
Just drop that dirty sucker in there.
One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack? It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's.
If I find any sex or drug paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
[cell phone chimes.]
Shit, Lip texted.
Ian just now got out of prison.
It'll be at least another hour.
- I'm gonna miss him.
- Where you gonna be? [Debbie.]
Got a meeting with my lawyer for Franny's death benefit money.
You taking that shitbox you bought with our rainy day fund? That shitbox has four wheels and a working engine, so, yes, I'm taking it.
Well, I'm gonna be here making tamales.
And spending time with me.
I'm only here for 48 hours.
Who's gonna buy decorations for Ian's party? Liam? Can't, city basketball clubs are recruiting today.
Todd can't keep his offers straight, so I'm managing him.
Okay, well, here's 60 bucks.
Manage to scrounge up some party supplies.
Make 'em good.
Hopefully it's the last "welcome home from prison" party we'll ever throw.
- Hey, I'll take them to her.
- [Kelly.]
But [door slams.]
Hey, here you go.
Kinda weird that Kelly showed up here.
I didn't realize she'd come back before Christmas, right? It's all good.
She's on 48-hour leave anyway, so it's gonna be, like, three days before she leaves? I'm cool.
Cool as in As in I ain't a side piece.
Where you going? Cornmeal run.
You need a hand? Isn't your brother coming out of prison? Yeah, we'll make it back before they even get here.
Come on, let me come with you.
Me too.
[Anne sighs.]
- [Kelly.]
- [Carl.]
Tamales for sale, muchachos! Get 'em while they're caliente.
No outside food or drink, Frank.
Try one, Kev-o, on the house.
We're the house.
- Oh, my God.
- [Frank.]
Huh? - So can I sell 'em here? - No.
Can I trade 'em for beers at least? Four per beer.
That's only ten beers.
That won't get me through the hour.
Don't haggle with a woman who looks this fly in a power suit.
Why are you so gussied up? She's dealing drugs.
I'm selling pharmaceuticals.
Gluvandia, diabetes and hypertension relief packed into a single pill instead of two separate ones.
Black doctors don't like my friend Mimi 'cause she's too Asian and a little bit racist, so I'm taking a crack at making some preschool tuition money.
[door creaks.]
- [Kev.]
Yo, Mas! - Hey.
What are you doing all the way down here? Came to check on you.
I didn't see you at the memorial.
Memorial? For Kenny.
He threw himself in front of an L train.
Holy shit.
- Who's Kenny? - [Kev.]
Point guard for our middle school basketball team back in the day.
Why'd he do it? Looks like he couldn't deal with what Coach Dickey did to him.
What did Coach do to him? You know, he, uh he touched him.
With his inspirational talks? I mean, the guy could Jimmy Valvano the shit out of a halftime speech.
He means dribbled his balls.
Beat his buzzer.
Nailed one from downtown.
He touched his dick, Kev.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Coach molested Kenny? Yeah, I mean, he molested all of us: me, Gomez, Jamal.
What? Danny O.
, Danny K, Feldman, Sampson.
So, like, everyone? [Mas.]
You too, right? Well Lawyer's putting together a class action suit against the city.
Says we could each get ten grand.
Ten grand? Excuse me, Mas.
- Sure you weren't molested? - No.
Why the hell not? I don't know.
[bag thuds.]
Mitch really kept me going on those 20-mile hikes.
Wait, just the two of you? No, a full squad.
But he stayed on me the whole time.
Oh, and he coached me on the flight simulators.
I took out the tower on the aircraft carriers three times coming in before he helped me land safely.
Sounds like Mitch can really nail a landing strip.
Oh, plebe summer is just all about learning how to work as a team, and Mitch is just such shit at orienting - that I had to help him.
- [phone ringing.]
Um, I gotta take this.
[bag thuds.]
Sounds like your girlfriend has a boyfriend.
What? Mitch? - [truck gate slams.]
- Hey, uh, is it okay if we stop at a pharmacy on the way back? - I need to pick up some penicillin.
- Penicillin? [Kelly.]
Yeah, it looks like I have strep.
Going around the academy.
Is that cool? - It's cool.
- Cool.
I don't think I've ever cared about anything so much.
You know, I mean, I'm giving up smoking for the little guy.
I get it, man.
You know, I almost gave up my parole for And it was tough leaving him this morning.
He hadn't eaten yet, right, and Sarah and I, we've developed this kind of schedule, right, feeding, nap, feeding, nap.
Who's Sarah? Sarah, she's a chick from the Mommy AA group, three kids.
Anyway, Tami hasn't figured out nursing with Fred yet, you know, so the schedule's all blown.
Schedules, they're so important with infants, you know? Not really.
I'm sorry, man.
It's boring parent shit.
No, hey, come on.
All right.
So how have you been, huh? Yeah, how's Mick? Well, Mickey and I went through a rough patch for a while, but You comin' in? Come in, no, no, I can't, no.
Tami says if I come home before the end of work, she'll rip my face off, so, uh [chuckles.]
Hey, you wanna hang out during my lunch break? You know, we can grab some brats, and I'm buying.
I gotta meet my parole officer.
- Fuck, today already? - That's what they tell me.
All right, well, come on.
I'll drive you.
It's in a couple hours.
Maybe not.
Hey, welcome home, man.
Thanks, man.
[upbeat Latin music blasting over speakers.]
Look, I can feel this thing killing me.
Man, just take that.
Take that away.
I don't want it.
Ah, fuck, gimme it back.
Is it Cinco de Mayo in here? Oh, Carl's trying to bone some girl.
Hope you like tamales! Hola.
Hello? Do you know where Carl is? Como? Ah.
Hello? Uh, uh, Debbie or Carl? [all murmur.]
Hey, Carl! [Latin music continues faintly.]
Hey, Debbie.
Of course she took Fiona's room.
Ah! - Oh, shit, Jesus.
- Sorry.
Yeah, hi.
You're Ian, hi.
- Hey, Tami, hi.
- Hi.
That's Freddie.
Hi, I'm Uncle Ian.
Yeah, all right, listen, I'm covered in baby barf.
I swear this kid hates me.
Um, is it okay if we do the whole meet and greet thing later? - Yeah, no, totally.
- Okay, thanks.
Can you get the door behind me? - Yeah.
- Thanks! Yep.
[Latin music continues faintly.]
Welcome home, Ian.
I fast-tracked a summons for Derek's widow to get her to negotiate Derek's death benefit, but she won't open the door for the process server.
They can't find her at work? Work? She's a stay-at-home mom.
Little bitch.
We need to hire a PI to stakeout the house.
She'll have to come out sooner or later.
I've got a guy who'll do it for a couple of hundred a day.
Day? To sit on their ass in a car? I'll do it.
My union's on strike.
Could take a while.
When there's money involved, a Gallagher's got nothing but time.
[overlapping chatter.]
Hola, mamas grandes.
[door slams.]
Hey, Telma, you you think I could bum a couple of those? No! [Telma.]
Well what if I was to promise to come visit you again tonight after your abuela is asleep? Shh! What's goin' on? Benicia just told Victor he's the father of her child.
This is why the brown countries will always remain Third World, Franny: no depths to their storytelling.
[woman on TV.]
Ay, mi amor! [Randy.]
Frank! Ingrid left me.
These babies are yours.
You have to take them back.
[babies babbling.]
I'm heading to my sales calls.
Where'd Mas go? [Kev.]
He's gonna bring the whole team back later and we're gonna hoist some beers in Kenny's memory.
Here, team photo.
Let me ask you guys something.
If you were a pedophile, which one of these kids would you diddle inappropriately if you had to choose one? Come on, Kev.
That one.
What is wrong with you? Lookit that VPL.
It's huge.
VPL? Visible penis line.
What? No.
What about this kid? [Veronica.]
Who is that, the assistant coach? No, it's me.
Look at me.
I'm hot.
You're the size of a linebacker.
No self-respecting pedophile would have touched you.
How much self-respect do you think a pedophile has? [Kev.]
The lockers had open-pit showers.
Coach saw me plenty of times all soppin' wet, ready for the taking.
You sure you weren't molested? Repressed memories are real.
I'd remember if he touched me.
Fuck being touched.
For ten grand, you took it up the ass.
Find that memory, Kev.
It's buried in there somewhere.
[upbeat rock music.]
You still smoking that thing? Think I'm addicted.
You and every other junior high school girl.
Mint? Cotton candy? Those marketing teams are criminals.
I'd say throw 'em in jail, but then what would we do with all the black dudes locked up for marijuana possession? Hey, um, how good was Cami at at being a mom, you know, like right off the bat? - Cami? - Yeah.
She was, uh Spectacular.
Most natural mother in the world.
Thank you.
Definitely never left her baby in a shopping cart at Costco.
Got halfway home before she realized I got two blocks.
They called child services.
We actually had to take a parenting class.
Okay, but but Tami, though, uh? - [Brad.]
It'll be a disaster.
- [Cami.]
Gonna be great.
She had four pet rabbits at different points during her childhood.
None of them survived a month.
What are you worried about, Lip? [Lip.]
Look, it's just I I've known Tami for, what, like a year now, and, I don't know, I've very rarely seen her, uh, nurturing side, you know? I've known her for 26 years, and what she lacks in nurturing, she makes up for in competence.
Why don't you tell him what happened to the fifth rabbit? What happened to the fifth rabbit? I definitely lost my way, you know, blowing up a van and becoming a gay icon and whatnot.
[clears throat.]
I I sort of fell out of step with my family, and as crazy as my family is, they definitely keep me grounded, so it'll be good to be back with them, you know, keep me out of trouble.
And and plus, I've been consistently taking my meds Okay, great, thanks.
I'm gonna need you to pee in this cup.
Drug test.
Don't you want to hear about Rather swallow screws.
Come on, let's go take a tinkle.
Do I need to do this in front of you? Nope, I'm gonna do it.
All right, come on, Sparky.
- Jesus.
- Close the door.
Come on.
Step up here so it looks like you're taking a piss in case one of those goody-goodies starts looking under the stall door.
- [zipper unzips.]
- Whoa, whoa, I Oh, I see the carpet matches the drapes.
You know, you don't have to do this for me.
My piss is clean.
Yeah? Well, I did a shitload of coke this morning, and I'm gonna send this to the lab with your name on it or not, depending on your level of cooperation.
You got it, Sparky? It's Ian.
Well, guess I'm sending in mine then.
No, no, Sparky's great.
Now, you were an EM before you were Jesus, right? Yeah.
Take that and wait outside for a second.
I feel like I'm starting to crap a little bit.
[3 One Oh's "She's On Fire" playing.]
[upbeat guitar music.]
That girl's a problem, call the police [door slams.]
She's a fire looking for gasoline Hey, Pepa! What do you want? Just want to talk.
- [Pepa.]
Is that a summons? - No.
Oh, oh Her heart is blacker than black Oh, oh - [mace whooshes.]
- [screaming.]
Ah! Ah! - [engine revs.]
- [tires squeal.]
Fuck you, Gallagher! She's on fire This single pill decreases glucose production in the liver, stimulates the pancreas' natural insulin production, and combats high blood pressure.
It's a no-brainer.
Mm-hmm, and how does it decrease glucose production exactly? Well, there are these little particles called vandias, and they have a powwow with the glucose particles and say, "Hey, little glucose particles, make sure" So clearly you don't know anything about this drug.
You're just another pharma rep who thinks she can dupe me into pushing her new drug on a community that doesn't need it.
Hold on, I may not know the science, but last I checked, that was the doctor's job, and as for what this community needs, I grew up here, and I know that diabetes is a problem, I know that high blood pressure is a problem, and I know that trying to keep so many medications straight as you get older is a problem.
It's a matter of affordability.
Okay, our people on the South Side can't afford it.
Most of our people are covered by Medicaid, Medicare, and city worker insurance.
And who do you think pays for Medicare and Medicaid? We do when the taxman comes knocking.
And I reckon from the BMW out front, you are in a great position to pick up the slack.
So we're gonna get personal now? You wanna get personal? If this one pill had been around when my daddy was juggling two pills and three jobs at the age of 74 [breath catches.]
He would still be here to be a grandfather to my little girls.
Don't cry.
Hey, please, please don't cry.
I I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, Miss Fisher, Veronica Fisher after my daddy, Victorious Fisher.
[upbeat percussive music.]
So it's one pill instead of two, huh? Okay, thanks.
So, Salma, why should Todd be a Rooster? - Well, little man - Liam will be fine.
Sorry, Liam.
Not only are the Roosters the city champions; we're also sponsored by Apollo, the fastest growing shoe brand in the country.
So I can make sure that Todd and you, as his manager, are outfitted with all the Apollo gear you'd ever need from now all the way through his inevitable career in the pros.
Martin? Well, big man, the South Side Slayers are essentially a de facto farm team for all the big Carolina universities.
So if my man Todd here makes it through one of the school years without blowing out an ACL, we can all but guarantee him an eight-figure endorsement deal sponsored by Champion and a shoe line with his name on it.
Dude, that's not my name.
His name's Todd Bryerson.
[upbeat music.]
Great, we'll consider your offers.
Now, if you'll excuse us, I've got a welcome home party to plan for this evening.
Do you need some grub for that? 'Cause I'm tight with the owner of Bruna's on Oakley.
I can have the catering-sized premium pastas delivered to you within the hour.
You like ribs? I own Ribs For Less up in Wicker Park.
I can have you trays of the finest 'cue, whatever barbecue you want.
Let's talk decorations.
Kibble, JoJo, got a new friend for ya! Shelly! Shelly! Hey, what's the deal with Paula? The deal is, you're fucked.
Sparky [indistinct radio chatter.]
Sparky, Shelly, Shelly, Sparky.
She's your boss.
Well, vice boss 'cause I'm your boss.
Stick it to him, Shel.
Such a bitch.
I love it.
Looks like the old Sparky had a few pounds on you, but I ain't buying a new uniform, so get dressed.
We're heading out.
[claps hands.]
All right, mount up and let's go! [doors slam.]
[engine turns over.]
Holy shit.
In the middle of this psychotic break, she hands me the babies, jumps off the cruise ship, swims towards shore.
It's what I loved about her.
I haven't heard from her since.
Oh, she'll come back.
Even still, is she the type of person that should be raising babies? Joan Crawford's kids turned out okay.
[babies crying.]
I didn't sign on to raise your children, Frank.
Well, in fact, you did, padre.
You took the love of my life and our embryos.
You gave me ten grand to never bother you again.
That deal was contingent on Ingrid being here to help raise them.
She's not.
Take them back.
They're yours.
Well, the joke's on you.
They're not mine.
They're my son Carl's.
What are mine? [wistful piano music.]
Thanks for helping me out.
Anything to get a girl some money from her baby daddy.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of me too.
Okay, lift.
What, what, what? [Chair Model's "Come On" playing.]
Do not forget to take a picture for proof.
[upbeat rock music.]
I've been, I've been doin' just fine And you've been, you've been doing all right Let's get together, get together Hi, you must be Pepa.
Derek and I were old friends, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Debbie! Debbie, start the car! Shit! - [engine sputtering.]
- Fuck! Drive, girl, drive! - [car engine grinds.]
- [Megan yells.]
Fuck you, Gallagher! [Fred crying.]
What, you'll take your dad's fake tit, but you don't want the real deal? [crying continues.]
[phone rings.]
- Hello.
- [Tami.]
I think he's gay.
I have never in my life had a male human refuse to take my tit in its mouth.
Slow down.
What? Hey, hey, is that Tami? [Tami.]
I'm losing my shit here, Cami.
He hasn't eaten since Lip left.
I'm starting to take it personally.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey.
Hey, Freddie hasn't eaten yet? It's fine.
He's warming up to it.
He should have eaten at least three times by now.
Yep, it's great to know that I failed at least three times already today.
Thank you.
Brad, look, I I gotta take an early lunch, all right? [Brad.]
I'd leave her alone, Lip.
But my son is starving to death, okay? It's not about her.
I promise you, the worst thing any father can do is to tell the mother she's doing it wrong.
Okay, then so you go talk to her.
You kidding? She'll stab me.
- [Lip.]
- [Brad.]
I need a 100/90-19.
You're right.
[line trilling.]
Hey, hey, it's Lip.
Um Look, can you do me a really big favor? [Randy.]
You tricked me.
- [Frank.]
I didn't trick you.
- - [Carl.]
I didn't know it was a bet.
- - And I didn't have sex with Ingrid.
- [Frank.]
Well, you jizzed in a cup.
Yeah, but was her vagina in that cup? [Anne.]
Yeah, okay, I'm tapping out.
Okay, if you were to offer me, say, 200 grand, I'd be willing to take them off you.
I I am not paying you to take what is already yours.
Now, hold on.
What about a script for a couple of thousand Percocet? That would be unethical, not to mention criminal.
It would be criminal to leave these babies with Frank or Carl.
Frank is an addict and a loser.
[loud rock music.]
[cash register dings.]
Boy, they really are irresistible.
What the hell? I'll take one.
As she lay dying in arms clutching her diabetic chest Oh, honey.
Wheezing her way through her third heart attack, I thought to myself, "There has gotta be something I can do about this.
" [tearfully.]
This is that something.
Gluvandia is that something.
I will be that something for you, Miss Fisher.
I will be that something.
Once there was a little boy [Mas.]
Remember when we got hosed 56 to 20 against those pricks from Evanston? [all chuckle.]
Their center was going to town on your ass, Kev, until Kenny took out the guy's knee.
Yeah, Kenny was a real hero.
- To Kenny.
- [all.]
To Kenny.
[sentimental music playing softly over speakers.]
Kenny was great.
Hey, what was it about Kenny that Coach liked so much? Was it his compact frame, the way his butt stretched the cloth out in those tiny little shorts? I don't think it was anything in particular.
What Coach did to Kenny, he did to every one of us.
We're a team.
We should have been there for each other.
If we had, maybe Kenny'd still be around.
Hey, man, it's not too late.
If we talk about what Coach did to us, maybe the rest of us won't feel so suicidal.
Fuck it.
He blew me, twice, after the games at Oak Lawn and Roseland.
Said it was a reward for my MVP performance.
He gave me a rimjob in the showers up in Lakeview.
He made me fist him once, up to the elbow.
Never got that watch back.
Old Swatch I found on the bus.
Kev? Well, he I can't.
I'm not ready to talk about it.
No, it's okay, Kev.
Look, we're here when you're ready.
Guys, bring it in.
Come on, team hug.
- Come on.
- [Chuckles.]
Come on, Kev.
This is growth.
This is how we grow.
It's all part of the healing.
I got you, brother.
[mouths words.]
[engine rumbles.]
Is your name really Jolene? I'm wearing two sets of Spanx to fit in this uniform.
My name is Yolanda.
All right, stop here.
[phone pad beeps.]
[line trilling.]
- [woman.]
- Hi, 911? I was driving past that big homeless camp on Stiver.
There's this young woman, looks like she's having a seizure.
I hope it's not too late.
What's going on? [man over radio.]
This is 911.
We've got a woman seizing at a homeless camp under the 90 and Stiver.
Any ambulances in the area? [Shelly.]
This is Emergevac.
We're a block away.
We'll take it.
Game time, kiddos.
The ambulance is here.
Not you, Sparky.
You're in training.
I've done this before.
Oh, we got some nuances.
[gurney clattering.]
Have a seat.
Get this fib going.
All right, hop to, Kibble, Weiss Memorial.
Isn't Provident closer? We get paid by the mile.
[doors slam.]
Uh, what? [mellow bass music.]
There you go, honey.
- You still on your parents' insurance? - Yep.
Okay, let's initiate seizure protocol.
Let's get a mask on her.
I uh, I ain't getting involved in insurance fraud.
425 liter.
Defib her.
No, no, have Sparky do it.
[siren wailing.]
Get the fuck out of here.
Don't fuck with me, kid.
- Clear.
- [Yolanda.]
[defibrillator thuds.]
- [Shelly.]
She breathing? - [Yolanda flatly.]
Let's give her a King Supraglottic and shoot her up with some benzo.
Oxy or Vicodin this time, honey? [Liv.]
Vicodin, please.
Does she need an emergency abortion? - [Yolanda.]
Looks like it.
- I think she does.
You will die.
[Fred fusses.]
Do you understand that? [Fred wails.]
But if you don't eat, you will die, and then Lip will kill me.
You okay with that? Right, because you hate me.
[Fred crying.]
Why do you hate me? - Huh? Shh.
- [knock on door.]
Contemplating infanticide.
Go away.
I can help you.
[Fred continues crying.]
My schedule's pretty clear today.
Lip send you? What? No, I just came to pick up a [Fred wails.]
Yeah, Lip sent me.
Thanks, but we're fine.
Yeah, I told him it was a shitty idea to send a woman to give unsolicited parenting advice to another woman.
It isn't exactly great for anyone's self-esteem.
I'll hit the road.
Maybe you could help me get Fred to latch.
[Chair Model's "Tiger" playing.]
[upbeat funky music.]
[brakes squeal.]
Na, na, na, na, na, na, whoo! You owe me.
Got a house full of pork tamales with your name on 'em.
I'm still Muslim, Debs.
Let me explain everything that I'm about to do Got an application for the job you used to do Na, na, na [Debbie.]
You in place? The eagle has landed, bitch.
Ooh, ooh Higher and higher Catch me, I'm on fire now Ooh [Debbie.]
Looks like it's go time.
[car alarm blaring.]
I'm coming for you And I want it bad I'm coming for you What the? Hey! That's my car! Hey! I want it, I want it, I want it Hey, Pepa.
Yeah, I want it bad Really? [car horn honks.]
But I got to Money ain't for nothin' when you get it like I do Na, na, na Been up to something, yeah, somethin' new I'll be coming for ya like a tiger on the loose Higher and higher Catch me, I'm on fire now Ooh, ooh Higher and higher Catch me, I'm on fire now Ooh, ooh I'm coming for you, and I want it bad I'm coming for you, and I want it bad I'm coming for you, and I want it, I want it I want it, I want it I want it, want it, want it, want it, Let me explain everything that I'm about to do [Debbie.]
Thank you! Got an application for the job you used to do Na, na, na, na Poppin' off the scene, and I got bubblegum to chew Yeah, you know I'm coming like a tiger on the loose Na, na, na, na Higher and higher Catch me, I'm on fire now Ooh, ooh Higher and higher Catch me, I'm on fire now Ooh, ooh I'm coming for you, and I want it bad I'm coming for you, and I want it bad I'm coming for you, and I want it, I want it I want it, I want it, yeah, I want it bad [Debbie yells.]
Ow, my back! Ow, what, are you crazy? [camera shutter clicks.]
You've been served, bitch! And I want it bad I'm coming for you, and I want it I want it, yeah, I want it bad [Randy.]
As a psychiatrist, I cannot express enough how much psychological damage we will inflict on these two siblings if we separate them.
If you're so worried about scarring these kids, maybe you shouldn't be talking like this in front of them.
What's going on? I'll explain later.
Figure out which one of these is the best one.
Uh [Frank.]
Randy, need to talk to you.
- What are we doing? - Frank's got a plan.
But you trust him? When Frank's running a scam, ain't nobody better to trust.
Hey, take a boob out.
Uh, why? Babies are always hungry.
When they see your boob out, they'll crawl across the floor to it.
First one to make it to it, we keep.
Qué pendejo.
Babies can't see worth shit, but they can sniff out breast milk a mile away.
I thought you were tapping out.
Well, the sooner that we solve this, then the sooner I can eat in peace.
Neither of us signed up to be the father of Ingrid's babies without her, so if we each keep one, we're both a little screwed as opposed to one of us being massively screwed, and neither of us is ready to let go of Ingrid forever, right? Don't those babies remind you of her, spark of crazy in their eyes? They are exuberant little bastards.
So we both hold onto the joy of having at least a bit of Ingrid in our lives in the form of a single little baby, one baby each, one.
And depending how this all goes, maybe I'll come find you for the other one.
How what goes? So what do ya think, share the joy? I I don't know.
Great, we'll take this one.
[upbeat techno music.]
Looks like my work here is done.
Wait, no, no, what if my nipple slips back out? Then slip it back in.
He knows how to take it now.
It's just as much of a learning curve for him as it is for you.
Look, when I had my first kid, I made every mistake you could make.
Yeah? And does he hate you for it? All my kids hate me, but they don't have to like me.
I just have to keep 'em alive until they can take care of themselves.
- Why'd you do it? - What? If you thought it was a bad idea to give another woman unsolicited parenting advice, why'd you do it? Because Lip asked me to.
And not a day goes by that I don't look at my memaw's photo [inhales.]
And say to myself, "Gluvandia, V.
" Wow.
That was some primo bullshit.
No, it's okay.
I like your style.
I'll prescribe your drug.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Oh, hell, I got so carried away weeping up a river that I missed my meeting with Dr.
George Robinson? You know him? Girl, it is a small community of black doctors in this town, and I've slept with most of 'em.
George is coming to my place this weekend for a cookout.
A ton of black doctors will be there.
It'll be good for business.
Miss Brenda, are you inviting me to the cookout? Miss V, I am inviting you to the cookout.
Where you want it? [Liam.]
Those can go in the corner.
Those can go right there.
Barbecue, follow me.
[overlapping chatter.]
- Right there.
- [man.]
All right.
So what are we doing with this baby? [Frank.]
We aren't doing anything.
I'm finding it a loving home.
"How to sell your baby on the black market"? You're selling this baby? I'm providing a service.
I have several deserving couples lined up who don't qualify to adopt through normal channels.
I'm fulfilling a dream.
I'm a dream fulfiller.
How much? All indicators point upwards of 25 grand.
Wait, that was my sperm, which you procured under false pretenses.
I want 50 percent, plus an extra 20 for pain and suffering.
I'll give you 30 and 15.
40 and 5.
That's the same thing.
Done, and if this goes well, we'll go back to Randy for the other baby.
Not a bad first day, Sparky.
Yeah, it was great.
Hey, uh, listen, I'm gonna talk to Paula about getting a new job.
You know, I appreciate whatever it is you're doing here, but I just got out of prison.
I wanna fly under the radar, keep my nose clean, you know? - Mm-hmm.
- Have a seat.
See Kibble out there? Paula's his PO too.
He asked for a new job once.
Was five years ago.
He's been here for five years? Jolene's been here for seven, minus a two-year stint that Paula got her thrown back in prison for threatening to report us.
Both of 'em would've been outta here in two if they hadn't pissed her off.
What'd you get put away for? Blew up a van.
Class 2 felony, early release, what, two years parole? - Yeah.
- So ride it out.
We bilk these corporate fucks, Paula gets her kickbacks, you're done when your parole is up, and we move on to the next Sparky.
Two years, huh? Easy-peasy If you don't piss her off.
[upbeat salsa music.]
What's going on here? [Liam.]
Decorating for Ian's party.
Easiest 60 bucks I've ever made.
Slayers or Roosters? Uh, Slayers, I guess.
Shoe size? Whatever I can steal from Walmart.
- Tami upstairs? - [Liam.]
Thanks, man.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, you're doing it.
I told you not to send help.
Our baby hadn't eaten, Tami.
I don't know what you want me to do.
Fuck you, Lip.
[3 One Oh's "Confident Woman" playing.]
See that right there? Right there, that's your daddy.
You see that? [chuckles.]
Hey, let me ask you something.
If you were Would you Nah, you're probably not the right people to ask.
[door creaks.]
- Hey, baby.
- [Veronica.]
Hi, my babies.
Why don't you go upstairs and get ready for a nap? Daddy and I are gonna sit and talk for a minute.
I was invited to the cookout.
I had to kill off a ton of family members, but I got commitments from every doctor I met, and I'm meeting more this weekend.
That's great.
I am so happy for you, babe.
What's up, babe? Coach didn't love me, V.
He molested every single one of these kids but me Even Dirk, with his beaver teeth and his squishy ass.
His beaver teeth stuck straight down.
He couldn't even close his mouth.
Kev, being molested is not the same thing as being loved.
Yeah, I know.
I know that being a kid was tough on you, but you're loved now.
The girls love you.
And there is a vivacious, successful pharmaceutical entrepreneur that is going to love you in ways that's gon' blow your mind.
Is that you? - Yeah, baby, that's me.
- [chuckles.]
[both giggling.]
[knock on door.]
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher.
We spoke online.
[funky bass music.]
You think she's gonna want to settle? The only reason she'd call a meeting like this is if she didn't want to go to court, so You won, Debbie.
Patti knows how this game is played.
Now that we're closing the deal, we need to discuss payment.
Payment? You thought this was pro bono? I guess I didn't really think about it.
But, I mean, I'm about to run into some cash, right? [Patti.]
Damn straight.
So a lawyer would typically cost between 200 and 400 an hour.
Dollars? But since I'm not technically a lawyer, - I, uh - [Debbie.]
What? I highly recommend the online program at South Side Community College.
The classes are great.
She passed most of them.
You're not a lawyer.
Don't worry.
Never lost a case.
How many cases have you done? How many kids have you had? - Six.
- Six.
- [Debbie.]
Hi, Pepa.
- Debbie.
Who are they? My judge advocates general.
What are judge advocates general? Military lawyers.
Like real lawyers? What's this? An agreement.
Since Derek listed the beneficiary of his death benefit as his wife and children, and Franny is technically one of his three children, I'm willing to give you one third of the benefit.
- [Megan.]
- [Patti.]
See, girl? In return I want full custody of Franny.
What? Think about it, honey.
It's it's fine.
It's not the first one I've ever had.
I'll see you in a couple days.
That was, uh, my It's none of my business.
What? Look, not that I care either way, but if you gave Carl an STD, you should tell him.
Why, so he doesn't give it to you? No, because he's a good guy and it's the right thing to do.
[upbeat Latin music blasting from speakers.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So you know how I probably gave you strep? You mean the syph, right? You knew? Cassie Chambers gave me syph in the fifth grade and said it was strep.
So you're sleeping with Mitch? Yeah.
- Are you sleeping with Anne? - No.
- But you want to, don't you? - Yeah.
Does this mean we're breaking up? I don't know.
I mean, do we have to figure this out right now? Guess not.
Does that mean I can sleep with Anne? Well, wait till your syph clears up.
I think it's Ian.
Come on, come on, come on, go, go, go! [woman.]
Está aquí.
Está aquí.
Surprise! Franny's stepmom is filing for custody.
- Oh.
- [Lip.]
Wait, Debs.
What? What happened? What do you mean? She's just [Liam.]
Guys, come on, come on, he's here.
He's actually coming.
Come on, come on.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Surprise! Why does it look like SportsCenter threw up in here? [Kev.]
What the fuck, man? [Veronica.]
What kind of decorations is this? Who decided this was the theme? [Carl.]
Call yourself a fucking party planner.
So welcome home.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you? - What happened? - [Ian.]
We got a family scrimmage here? 'Cause I'm on Liam's team.
[all cheer.]
[overlapping chatter.]
Welcome, welcome! [laughter and chatter.]
Come here.
- [Lip.]
- [Ian.]
How'd it go with the parole officer? Oh, a total shitshow.
Yeah? Ah, I think I can handle it.
Is Tami upstairs? Yeah, yeah, I went to go check on her again, but she started throwing shit, so - Oh.
- Thought I'd give it a minute.
You think it's genetic, us falling in love with crazy people? Frank and Monica.
Me and Mickey.
Me and Karen.
Me and Mandy.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think Tami's probably the least crazy out of all of 'em.
You gonna marry her? I don't know.
You gonna marry Mickey? Fuck no.
[inhales sharply.]
You do me a favor? - Mm-hmm.
- Destroy this.
- I'll see you.
- Yep.
Hey, Debs.
Uh, think I screwed up telling Sarah to go talk to Tami.
1,000 percent.
You know we're not gonna let anyone take her, right? Hi, Franny.
[knock on door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
What happened? Fred barfed on my bandage.
Here, you need some help? Yeah, sure, why don't you call Sarah and see if she can come over and, like, rip out my stitches or something? Is that a yes? Yeah, sure.
- Here, let me hold him.
- No.
I'm holding him.
Can you just [groans.]
Rip off this old bandage and slap on a new one? Sure, yeah, sure, sure.
[L train squeals.]
It's hot, right? Do I need, um Ah, yeah, peroxide.
I'm sorry I sent Sarah over.
I I heard you on the phone with Cami, and I thought you needed help.
It's not about me needing help or not needing help.
It's about my baby liking me or not liking me, and [scoffs.]
Clearly, he fucking hates me.
He doesn't hate you, Tami.
He literally rejected me all day.
And then Sarah showed up, and within minutes, he's sucking on my tit, peaceful as a sleeping puppy, you know, because he likes her.
While I was in the hospital having my guts stitched back into me, he was bonding with his father and another woman.
He'll bond with you, all right? Just give it time.
You bond with Frank yet? [exhales.]
I never bonded with my mother, and then she died of cancer.
I just I don't wanna die on this kid and have him feel like he never even had a mom at all.
Look you almost died giving birth to this kid.
He's tied to you forever.
Almost dying was easy.
He owes you.
I'll make sure he knows that.
[Food Court's "I've Been Wrong" playing.]
[jangly rock music.]
Yeah, I've been wrong For far too long And I've been wrong And that's all right today Yeah, I've been wrong For far too long Yeah, I've been wrong And that's all right today 'Cause I'm sure we barely live today Speak the truth, you'll be all right Take forever, prove me wrong All the things I've heard, I know, I know Why, Coach? Why? Did you not find me attractive enough? Wha wha were you Were you scared because I outweighed you by 30 pounds? I never touched you because I never touched any of you boys.
I never touched anyone inappropriately in my entire life.
Wait a minute, are you Are you jacking off to me right now? No! Yes!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode