Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s03e12 Episode Script

Late Show

From the ghost planet try our famous
pecan logs it's Space Ghost coast to
Tonight Hypnotist
Fu fighter And
Plus zorak and the original way-outs.
And now the ghost who put the word "host" in Space Ghost,
Space Ghost!
Hello, and welcome to the big show, kids.
I'm your host, Space Ghost,
but please feel free to call meSpace.
You are one nutty, fabulous, cuckoo hiyo!
Well, you know.
And now I'd like to harvest a bumper crop of belly laughs
with some hilarious opening joke statements.
So, I'm coming to work, and my friction detectors
sense a strange force invading my personal perimeter.
Turns out it was just a lonely fat guy rubbing up against me.
Ha! Hee hee hee!
Oh, man. Got that, zorak?
Friction detectors.
Ha! Friction detector.
Jerry, can we get a closeup of that guy over there? Hey,
zorak, get a load of that guy.
Yow! Yes!
You is one ugly space dude.
Oh, that's cold.
Now I have a special message for any intelligent life forms
that may be receiving this television
signal trillions of light-years away
in the farthest reaches of the universe.
Hey, how you doin'
kids, huh?
Moltar, get me a closeup of the hem of my cape.
Is it me, or is this cape hanging low? Is it me?
I mean, I'm practically dusting the linoleum.
Dusting the linoleum, sir.
Can I get some scissors out here? Scissors.
Scissors? Hiyo!
Scissors, please. Scissors.
He knows they won't let him have scissors.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor and put your hands together
and say hello to zorak, or as we say in Indiana, zoo-rake.
They're like a bunch of stunned carp out there.
Zorak, you have a special surprise for us?
Yes, I do, pinhead.
Go on with your bad self.
Pinhead, pinhead, pinhead.
Ha ha ha! Hey who has more fun on
their little cartoon show than us?
I hate you.
Zorak, ladies and gentlemen.
Ok. Tonight, sitting in with the band,
from blues traveler, it's John
here's a little story
about a certain talk show host
he goes by the moniker that's French
of monsieur Space Ghost ha ha ha!
That mouth harp is catchy, John. How do you operate it?
It's a lot like life you have to blow, and you have to suck.
Oh, boy.
Something harmonica boy said.
There could be a joke in there If only I could reformulate it
and throw it back to him.
Hmm It's officially a lull.
I know.
Where's my pineapple?
Hey, kids, how's it going?
Uh, now it's time for a quiz.
Zorak, do you have a little quiz music?
Uh-uh. I'm shedding my exoskeleton.
I told you to shed before the show.
It's so itchy.
Question number one.
This man is
And the answer is The answer is And the answer is
Bum bum bum bum and the answer is
Not circled on my card.
Let's move on, shall we?
Savvy new yorkers recognize this man as
Oh, it's that kind of show?
Oh, great.
Cue the singing frog, camera one.
All rightie!
Time for tonight's big 10 list.
Here we go, kids. Number 10
You know, I don't think there's a man, woman, or child
on the face of the earth today that doesn't enjoy a steaming,
cold mug full of dizzy whip.
Dizzy whip, sir.
Uh, that's it.
We have any music here?
It's getting like a Mexican game show in here.
Hey, kids, do you like the rock-and-roll?
Then say hello to erma bombeck.
What? Are you sure?
Oh, dear.
Well, then please welcome janeane garofalo.
You're janeane garofalo.
Quick, who am I?
Space Ghost.
Are you sure you're not uma or Oprah? Ha!
Uma, Oprah.
Oprah, uma.
Killing me softly with his jokes
What about kukla or kinko?
Zorak wants us to wrap it up.
Zorak can lick my center of gravity.
Not even with Moltar's tongue.
Technically speaking, it's an oblong titanium slat.
Anyways, getting back to what are your secret powers?
I have the amazing ability to forget people's names
after meeting them even a number of times.
Quick, who am I?
Space Ghost.
Wrong! My name is luka.
I live on the second floor.
Ha ha ha!
She is one happening lady.
Janeane You are one happening lady.
Thank you.
Describe your ideal man.
Deep, resonant voice.
Booming? Booming voice.
Beefy? Beefy, burly voice.
Big chunks of beef and noodles, like a stroganoff?
Don't forget the cheese.
Yes, cheese! Delicious cheese!
Feta cheese! Fuzzy cheese!
Squeeze cheese.
Cheese. It's what's for dinner.
Hey, how you doing, kids, huh?
If you could date anyone, and I mean anyone, who would it be?
UmCatwoman and pat Buchanan.
Ha ha! Janeane, this is a family show.
Please keep your hippie-time, freakout love jams to yourself.
Ahem Let's answer our viewer mail.
This is in actual response to
actual letters from actual viewers.
No. No. No. No. Maybe.
No. Uh-uh.
Good lord, no!
No. AndMaybe.
Quick, janeane, do some comedy.
Ha ha! Oop. There it is! But seriously, janeane,
tell us the truth about cats and dogs.
Can't. That gives it away.
Tell us.
You got to be cleared for that. I must know the truth.
I demand the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
Ahem I had a part in the movie, and I brought a clip.
Zorak, I had no idea.
Go ahead and roll it, Jerry.
Yeah, this should be solid gold.
I will devour each and every one of you.
That is the truth.
Do you know the muffin man?
Ha ha ha!
Don't quit your day job, mantis.
So, janeane, word on the street is you haveTattoos.
How did you know about that?
Does that make you cool?
I think I am, but ask me again in about 5 minutes.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Let me show you the way.
Thank you, Space Ghost.
Oh, boy. I'll be hearing from her people.
I knew this wasn't going to work.
Welcome back, vast north American viewing audience.
Now its time for something we like to call stupid zorak tricks.
What do you have cooked up for us tonight, zorak?
I have covered my keyboard with a mucousy membrane.
And And that's it. Just the mucousy membrane.
Right, right. That's not much of a trick.
Do you have anything else?
I could vibrate.
Ha ha. Ok.
Yep. That's money in the bank.
Leno has Hugh grant, and we've got a vibrating insect.
That's enough, zorak. You're making us all sick.
I'm a little logy myself.
Well, take a little standing nap.
For weeks now, my mother has been reporting to us
from the desolate surface of the ice planet xeron.
Hi, mom.
Hi, sweetie.
She's my mom, not yours.
So, tell me, mom, how's everything going
on that remote hunk of frozen rock?
Fine, honey.
So, how you holding up in the poisonous ammonia atmosphere?
Just ok. All the radiation makes me tired.
My vital organs are giving me fits.
And we all know how painful that can be.
I may be asking for one of your space kidneys soon.
Ha ha ha! Hang in there, mom!
When can I come home? I'm cold.
Not until sweeps is over. So long, mom.
Bye-bye, sugar.
Ha ha ha. That was mom, zorak.
Boy, she's something, isn't she?
There she goes, kids. That's my mom.
Let's keep it going for her.
Everybody loves the visits with my mom,
and I'll tell you straight
out, they leave me jazzed.
You feeling jazzed right now?
Jazzed to the Max, zorak. Do you feel jazzed?
I'm jazzed, baby.
Jazz jazz jazz-a jazz jazz!
What? Now what?
Are you sure we have time for this?
You're positive?
Ok, put your hands together,
ladies and gentlemen, for big-time Hollywood
hypnotist flip orley.
Hey, thanks for having me, Space Ghost.
Thank Tony Randall for canceling.
So, that's some jacket you got there, flip.
Looks like something the mantis would wear.
Yeah, and I've got the little dingle balls on the jacket,
which, obviously, if you look into the dingle balls Thinking:
I can hear you.
Have you ever been drunk, Space Ghost?
No, but I've been jazzed.
But right now, I'm not jazzed.
Nope, not very jazzed.
Even now? Even as we speak?
I'm sorry. What?
Ha ha ha. I guess we'll move on.
So, how's your summer going?
Space Ghost, what kind of a dupe do you take me for?
What kind of a moron?
What do you think I am?
What do you think I am?
Did you say something?
We were starting to do an interview.
Starting the interview process. Yes!
So, uh know any good, uh What is it you do again?
I can actually make people think that I'm invisible
through my hypnotic powers.
That would be doing us all a favor wow. That's kind of personal,
Space Ghost, isn't it?
Maybe let's see, uh What else?
Hey, are you jazzed?
Yeah, I'm jazzed.
Yes, I am jazzed!
Excuse me, won't you, chip?
My name is flip flip orley, hypno-man.
Sure, yeah.
Zorak, do me a solid and hypnotize
this dingle ball into something cool.
Put him to sleep.
Thank you.
Speak to me, o spirit.
Are you a cool guest come to help us,
or are you just another big load?
My name is David grohl, and I play
in a band called the fu fighters.
Bingo! Pay dirt! Attaboy!
Now we're cooking with gas!
I am now once again certifiably jazzed, kids.
You're a lucky man.
And you're a punk, aren't you?
I am a punk. I knew it!
I'm a little bit frightened of you, and I like the feeling.
It's all tingly.
Hey, how you doing, kids?
That's wonderful.
So, what's the deal with fu?
Fu's good.
So, you're pro-fu and not anti-fu?
We do not actually fight fu.
We are the fu fighters.
Ha ha ha. God bless you, Dave.
Now, Dave
Do you like me?
I suppose.
Hear that, zorak?
Dave thinks I'm cute.
What do you think of the show, big d?
Your show is so great, I just can't even tell you.
It's really wonderful.
My mother watches it every Every
Every night that it's on, whenever it is.
My mom would watch, too, but the ice planet's septic atmosphere
has infected her eyes badly,
so I can't even imagine what your
mother would look like.
She looks like me with red lipstick.
You've been known to wear red lipstick
after one too many wine coolers.
That's it.
You can explain to charivari what happened to their vest.
Dave, you are currently touring the galaxy.
What other shows have you appeared on?
I think that we've appeared on the David letterman show before.
Who-vid what-erman? Never heard of him.
He can't hold a candle to you, Space Ghost. No way.
Oh, I can hold candles.
It's the scissors they won't let me touch.
It's the scissors they won't let me touch.
They're afraid I'll hurt my foot again.
You see, I got this giant blister,
like a doorknob, and I'm cutting away the dead skin, right?
Like a big, giant fleshy pancake flip-flopping. I
couldn't walk for 7 months.
I still wear a smaller bootie on that foot.
Mucus is a problem in space, what with the decompression
and compreYou know.
Boy! You're telling me. Man!
At the end of the day, my suit is filled with it.
Come around 5:00, when I take off that suit,
it's like a jello mold
squeezing out.
Hey, zorak, you ever get the suit mucus?
Suit mucus? Yes, sir!
Does he look all mucousy?
Like an Irish oyster.
Well, Dave, thanks for coming.
Well Thanks for joining us.
That's it.
Watch it.
Dave grohl, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.
Now strap yourselves in, boys and girls.
It's time for a special treat.
Where's morty?
We had to amputate that infected limb.
I mean, Moltar. Where's Moltar?
Thanks for joining us, Moltar.
You know, folks, from time to time, we like to send our director
Moltar into the universe ith a hidden camera and earpiece
through which I give commands.
It's a real hoot. We call it
Here's Moltar at burger town.
Ladies and gentlemen, watch your monitors,
and kids, you at home, as
usual, use your televisions.
Ok, Moltar, say, "I'd like some French fries."
I'd like some French fries.
And a strawberry shake.
And a strawberry shake.
Say, "that's all." Then pay him.
Then eat the food.
What's so funny about this?
Just do it.
Then we sent Moltar to see the fire serpent.
Say, "hello. My name is Jimmy."
UhI don't know about this.
"Hello. My name is Jimmy."
Hello. My name is Jimmy.
Now say, "do you want to see me do the jazz box?"
What? Are you kidding? He'll murder me.
Do the jazz box, Moltar.
You get out here and dance.
Do the jazz box, Moltar.
jazz box! Jazz box! Jazz box!
Start dancing, metal head.
Here goes.
Inka dinka doo inka dink dinka doo aah!
Ha ha ha! Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, kids.
Janeane garofalo, flip orley, Dave grohl, and popper.
Popper! Stop that infernal noise!
Popper! Popper!
So, what did you think of the show tonight?
That show blew like the solar wind.
We had better run the standby.
Gee, the standby?
It's a pretty old one.
Who's on that one?
Flip orley. He hypnotizes Teri garr.
Oh, please.
I'm jazzed, baby.
That's it. Prepare my escape pod.
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