Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s05e04 Episode Script


Greetings. I'm Space Ghost.
Welcome to the show.
On my show tonight, w-- wait a minute.
What's this?
"Tad eustus ghostal, this is to
inform you that you are the winner of
one superdelux king-sized lawsuit."
But who would want to sue lovable me?
Jack lord!
It's Dr. nightmare!
My arch enemy!
That's Dr. nightmare, attorney-at-law, Mr. fatboy.
I got my degree at space prison after you unjustly sent me up
the galactic river!
You vibro-shocked 3 galaxies out of existence, you stole
fizzy-lifting drinks, and then you tried to steal my brain!
Petty larceny.
Do you mind, zorak?
I'm getting sued here.
I don't mind.
Go ahead and get sued.
See if I care.
Hey, this is serious, ghostal.
My clients are prepared to sue the unitard off of you.
Clients, my asteroids.
This is obviously just another one
of your stupid supervillain plots.
Oh, yeah, weisenheimer?
I got your clients right here.
The wonder twins?
You jerk, tad.
It's us--jan and jace.
Oh, you two.
Ah, figures.
We told you if you didn't return our calls,
you'd hear from our lawyer,
and our lawyer is Dr. nightmare.
Attorney-at-law you owe us, tad.
We aren't seeing a dime from those reruns.
You signed the contracts.
Nobody forced you Much.
We were just kids, tad.
What were you thinking,
taking children into space to fight crime,
exposing us to interstellar gases,
laser rays, and unearthly atmospheres
which stunted our growth?
Look at us.
We're still teenagers.
I'm stuck in a perpetual prepubescence, and it's all your fault!
So we're suing you for back wages and damages stemming
from emotional distress, mental cruelty,
and for preventing us from
receiving the schooling which might
have provided us with a future!
Ha ha!
Ah, those poor kids.
I-I'm sorry, Dr. nightmare.
It's all right, son.
Now wipe your nose.
You're on television.
I'll wipe Space Ghost-- gentlemen, please!
You can fight like itsy-bitsy babies later.
Huh. Right now, we have adult
name-calling and mudslinging to attend to.
Ahem. Should I start?
Oh, by all means.
Ambulance chaser.
No-talent Hanna-barbarian!
Big meanie!
Knish eater!
Uh, mumbly peg!
Why does that monkey have to be here anyway?
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
The monkey's suing you, too.
Cruelty to animals or something.
Stupid chimp.
Smelly eater of filth.
You creep.
Blip's not dirty.
I take him into the shower myself to clean his--
all right, that's enough!
Joke's over!
This ain't no joke, ghostal!
I got clients besides the kids and the hairball lining up to sue
the power bands off you.
You ever hear of Cameron Diaz, flip orley,
Sean medlock, the hoover dam?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Does France ring a bell?
I never touched France!
Sure you did.
You blew it up.
Oh, well, maybe I did.
C'est la vie.
Look, ghostal, my midgety clients here
are willing to settle this lawsuit
if you'll be willing to, say, rehire them for your talk show.
Is it a deal?
Ew! No can do, Dr. nightmare!
I've already got two cute, useless sidekicks.
I'm not useless.
I'm not cute.
I'm not rappaport.
Well, if you won't settle it,
I'm forced to sue you for $32 million,
plus expenses and a play toy for the chimp.
Whoa! I want in on that lawsuit.
Ok, sure, there, zorak.
On what grounds would you like to sue, you know, Mr. big, big,
fat body over there?
Ah, mental cruelty, physical cruelty,
defamation of cartoon character--
you rotten kids!
This is all your fault!
I owe you nothing.
Without me, you'd be on the herculoids planet following gleep
and gloop with brooms.
And you two are no longer friends of mine.
I'm telling that fat geek-a-nerd who
does my web page to officially list
you two ingrates as enemies from now on.
I've heard enough, ghostal!
I'm gonna work you over in court like hoboes into steaks.
Yeah. You haven't got a ghost of a chance, tad.
Ha ha! Good one, jace.
"Ha ha! Good one, jace!"
Oh, boy. The shatner's really hit the fan now.
I'm up Dawson's creek without a paddle.
You know, my Uncle Miranda got sued once.
That's nice.
I'm gonna get my own big shot lawyer and fight fire with napalm.
Moltar, phone book!
Lawyer, extrapolate!
Napalm Ah, to be young again.
Your call is being connected with the
next available high-priced lawyer.
Please stay on the line.
Perry Mason.
Matlock. Matlock.
Perry, Perry, Perry Matlock!
Quincy's not a lawyer.
He's better than a lawyer.
He's a coroner.
Whew, mama, am I nervous.
Sweating like a trekkie.
I smell like oil of olestra.
Oh, what a special jacket.
How about that?
Ooh Well Hi there, miss Greta van susteren, lawyer.
Space Ghost, intergalactic dream boat.
Hey! That's my sound effect!
I'm suing!
Me, too!
I don't have any lines in this show.
You see, greta, I'm having some legal problems, and--
like what, Space Ghost?
Maybe I can help you.
Well, it's like this.
I used to have these sidekicks-- jan and jace.
And, well, they hired my old arch-enemy
Dr. nightmare Attorney-at-law.
To sue me.
Oh, dear. For what?
Oh, stupid stuff.
They say I endangered their lives, stunted their emotional
and physical development, ripped them off--
you know, stupid kid stuff.
For how many years has this been pending,
Space Ghost, and how much
do you owe them?
I don't know.
32 million.
That's a lot, Space Ghost.
Yeah. Well, you see, the thing is,
they were young when they worked for me.
But see, you've just now admitted that you employed them.
Now what are you gonna do, Space Ghost?
That was a trick.
I asked you how long you how long you had employed them
or whether they worked for you, and you admitted it.
Greta, be nice.
Aren't you supposed to defend me?
I'll defend you.
Ok. Where do we start?
Cash up front.
No credit cards.
Just cash up front.
I'd reconsider that, babe.
I just uncovered some damaging evidence against big boy there.
Roll that film, Moltar.
Please, Space Ghost, don't make us
fight tyranor and his space piranhas.
My lungs just healed from the beating metallus gave us.
You little wimps make me sick!
Do you want to go back to the home? Is that it? Huh?
Well, then, stop sniveling and go capture tyranor.
I'll, uh, catch up with you later.
I'm, uh, gonna go get a quesadilla.
Jace, look out!
You losers!
No dinner for you tonight!
And don't think I forgot about Paris.
I got that on tape, too.
You're kidding?
No. He, uh I kind of zapped-- what, did you zap Paris?
Aw, you know, they bug me with their frenchness.
Well, maybe, Space Ghost, maybe you have a little problem.
What do you mean?
Well, it seems like you're provoking these lawsuits.
Does that mean I'm in trouble?
Yeah, I think you are in a lot of trouble.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I just think it's hopeless for you.
I think it's absolutely hopeless.
I don't think anything's gonna help you.
Come on, think of something!
You know what?
We may be able to work a deal out,
Space Ghost, to help both of us.
You think so?
I'm listening.
Well, could Dr. nightmare come tomorrow?
Sure thing, babe!
Maybe we can work something out over dinner.
What do you say?
No deals!
We want our money!
Come on, kids.
Can't we all just get along?
You know, I've been in jail.
For stealing a brain.
For stealing a brain?
Yes. It was Space Ghost's brain.
You really shouldn't steal someone's brain.
I suppose, but I kept part of it.
You pay up, tad, or I'll tell
everybody what you did to dino boy.
Prepare for a blast from my spank ray.
Don't you address my pimply client that way.
Greta, legal advice, now!
I don't know.
You're Space Ghost.
Can't you do anything?
I could plead the fifth.
If you could count that high.
I think you got a problem, Space Ghost.
Look, greta, we both work for Turner.
Whoa! Hold on a second!
You mean Ted Turner?
Is there a problem, Dr. nightmare?
You bet there's a problem.
You see, Ted Turner Is my father.
Sorry, kids, but you're on your own.
I'll fax you my bill.
See you later.
This is all your fault, jace!
We could have listened to Harvey and been birdboy and birdgirl,
but no, you had to have inviso power.
I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you!
Jan! Jan!
Get a grip on
On yourself.
What was that?
I've hit puberty.
Yippee. Sorry, jan.
I've got to go.
I've got things to do.
Oh, well. That's that.
Guess I can always write a tell-all about my brilliant career
with space jerk.
It sounds like you're home free again, Space Ghost.
And now that I've beaten the legal
system to a bloody, lifeless pulp,
it's your turn.
Sue me, will you?
Moltar, help me!
Please state your emergency.
Uh, yeah.
I'd like to report a felony in progress.
Moltar, you fink.
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