Sports Night (1998) s01e20 Episode Script

Ordnance Tactics

[ Slow instrumental music|plays ] [ Telephones ringing ] [ Static ] Everybody, right back to it.
-- Who's on Indy?|-- Right here.
-- Cut footage in|five minutes.
Can you do it?|-- Yes.
Kim? -- I'm gonna need sound.
|-- We'll get it.
-- Kim, they've still got|10 minutes of copy.
|-- I'm on it.
Thank you.
No-huddle offense,|everybody! Dave, is there time|for a camera test? You gotta run a quick one,|but I need the first team.
Kim, first team.
-- Chris, can you|get with graphics?|-- On it.
-- Will?|-- Control room.
Yes! -- What are you doing?|-- What?|-- What? -- What are you two doing?|-- Us? -- Yes.
|-- We're standing here.
Guys, we're on the air|in 15 minutes and 30 seconds.
Aren't there many things|you're supposed to be doing? -- Yes.
|-- Then what are you doing? There was a bomb scare.
-- I know.
Casey|-- There was a bomb scare.
Did you know the two of you|have been repeating that over and over for the last|hour and 20 minutes? -- Do you know you've been|repeating that over and over?|-- Yes.
-- Why?|-- There was a bomb scare.
|-- There was! -- It's over now.
|-- Well, it worked.
-- We're scared.
|-- Casey! Dana, somebody just tried|to blow up this building, and you people|are walking around Iike somebody didn't just try|to blow up this building.
Nobody tried|to blow up the building.
They threatened|to blow up the building.
Oh, please.
|Get to work.
Was this just|the herd instinct, or did we actually get|an "all clear" from|someone in authority? -- They didn't find the bomb.
|-- This is a huge building.
They searched for|an hour and 20 minutes.
I can't find my car keys|in an hour and 20 minutes.
They have very advanced ways|of detecting these things.
-- Do they?|-- Yes.
Two, four, six|on a hard count --|bam, bam, bam.
Dave: Got it.
|-- Well, what are they? -- What are what?|-- What are the advanced|ways they have of detecting|these things? W-W-What are|the advanced ways? Well, as I understand it,|[Clears throat] they use dogs.
-- I'm out of here.
|-- Right behind you.
-- Oh, get ahold of|yourselves, would you?|-- Dogs? Dogs, yes,|specially trained dogs.
-- We want to meet them.
|-- Guys.
We want to meet the dogs|right now.
Okay, and what will|you say to the dogs|when you meet them? -- She's got a decent point.
|-- Yeah.
-- Pittsburgh put Steve Boyer|and Randy McNeal on waivers.
|-- That's a story.
Yes, it is.
|Don't you think|that's a story? Yeah.
You know|what else is a story? -- That somebody tried|to blow us up?|-- Yeah.
These two|are the biggest babies.
Hey, you're afraid of fish,|okay, and I'm afraid of dying|in a hail of shrapnel.
-- Who's crazier?|Natalie: There's a contest.
Dana: McNeal and Boyer|in the 30s.
Get paintbox|on an over-the-shoulder.
Thank you.
Fellas,|you got 1 0 minutes of copy, and you got to get|into wardrobe.
We're just saying,|did they look hard? Like, did they look|at the bottom drawer|of our filing cabinet? -- We never use that drawer.
|-- Everything's fine.
|Jeremy, isn't everything fine? -- Yes.
|-- Everything's fine.
-- How do you know?|-- Jeremy just told me.
|Chris, get me Salt Lake.
-- Jeremy.
|-- They use dogs.
Do you know|what a bomb looks like? Actually, I don't.
-- Does anyone? Chris?|-- No.
-- Will? Dave?|-- No.
|-- No.
But we're betting a German|shepherd can pick one out.
-- They smell them.
|-- They smell them? -- Yes.
Chris?|Chris: Salt Lake's up.
-- They're trained in this?|-- Yes.
Dave? Camera three to mark.
-- Well-trained?|-- What? -- Their sense of smell --|it's superior?|-- Yes.
Let's see one through five, and|I need Cincinnati.
Dan, Casey -- Dan: Uh, quick question.
|-- What? These dogs --|do they ever get a cold? Chris: Cincinnati's up.
-- No.
|-- They don't? -- Never?|-- No.
What are you, a vet? Please! Is there anyone|who can say anything|that will make us feel Iike the smart thing|to do is to stay in|this building right now? In 10 minutes,|3 1/2 million people|will tune in to watch the two of you|on television.
Many of them will be women.
-- All right.
|-- Okay.
Alan, thanks for holding.
I'm in lsaac's office.
|I know I saw it on his desk.
[ Knock on door ] It's gonna be|in, uh, outline form, but he's kept me pretty well|up to speed on it,|so I think -- The deficit overlay? That sounds fine.
We can meet at 4:00|if you like.
No, wait, I'm sorry.
I've got a rundown at 4:00.
We can meet at 6:30.
I spoke to him|just this morning.
He sounds awfully good.
Yes, I spoke to him|just this morning.
I will.
[ Laughs ]|Thanks.
You spoke to lsaac|this morning? No, I spoke to Esther.
|Isaac couldn't -- He was unable to come|to the phone when I called.
Was there any sign|of this? Sign of what? Of lsaac having a stroke --|was there any sign of this? -- Was there any sign of lsaac|having a stroke|-- Yes.
other than lsaac|having a stroke? Dana, it's unbecoming|of you to blame me|for any part of this.
It's a shame, J.
,|'cause I want so much|to be attractive to you.
You know, we're going to|have to work together.
Yes, I know.
For instance, I can help you|with the deficit overlay.
Isaac kept me up to speed.
And if you want to create|the impression that lsaac's|healthier than he is -- for instance, if you want|to create the impression that lsaac's still|in control of the show when clearly he's|unable to even speak|on the telephone -- I can help you there, too.
He wasn't able to come|to the phone when I called|this morning, J.
He's able to speak.
He just had a stroke, Dana.
Where was he,|square-dancing? -- What do you want?|-- Excuse me? What do you want? I want to do my job.
|I want to help you,|which is my job, and I want to do it all|without being treated Iike the guy who just ran over|your dog.
How's that? That's fine.
Look, you can't run|the organization and run the show|at the same time.
I don't have to run|the organization.
He can't talk|on the telephone, Dana.
Right now, today.
I'm saying, right now,|today, give some of your|responsibilities to Sally.
-- What's wrong with Natalie?|-- We have more confidence|in Sally.
-- I have more confidence|in Natalie.
|-- Be that as it may.
You want me to run|the organization but let the network|make all the decisions? -- I want you and I to work|together to ensure that|the network doesn't|-- What? feel the need|to bring in -- -- An interim|managing editor?|-- Yes.
-- There's no need|to do that.
|-- I agree.
That is a bad move.
|That is a wrong call.
And I'll stand in Luther's|office and tell him.
That's a wrong call.
Luther could give a damn what you think|is a wrong call, Dana.
He cares what I think|is a wrong call, so don't sit there and think|that I need you to like me.
I'm telling you|the way it is.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
This is weird|'cause this is exactly|where our office used to be.
We can continue this|in the conference room.
So, J.
, yesterday|was interesting.
How so? -- How so?|-- Yes.
Well, McKinney had 41 points|against the Clippers, the Diamondbacks won|their fourth in a row And then there was|that thing where somebody|tried to blow us up.
-- Don't take it personally.
|-- No, I think I will|take it personally.
The bomb threat was a hoax.
-- What was it about?|-- Denny Denton.
-- What about him?|-- They don't like|his radio show.
I don't like|his radio show, either.
-- You know what I do?|Change the station.
|-- What? Would that the world were|as enlightened as you, Dan.
-- Oh, were that it would.
|-- Were.
-- What?|-- Never mind.
Thank you.
When can I see|rough features? -- Two hours.
|-- Let's go.
Uh, Dana? [ Telephone ringing ] Esther said he's doing|a little better today.
I'll call in a little bit.
Dan: You all right? Yeah.
With him? [ Laughs ] Yeah.
[ Telephone ringing ] So, we're two|likable guys, right? -- I think so.
|-- I think|we're very likable.
-- I'm liked wherever I go.
|-- I'm liked wherever I go|and wherever you go.
We're perfectly likable.
[ Sighs ] And yet somebody|tried to blow us up.
That's what I'm saying.
-- Does this include Seattle?|-- Yes.
It does.
|-- No.
It doesn't.
-- The film from last night?|-- Yes.
-- Seattle? It does.
|-- Yes.
It does.
-- It doesn't.
|-- Dave? Hey, Betty, Wilma --|is Seattle on the tape? [ Knocking on glass ] Excuse me.
-- Hey.
|-- Hi.
Good news -- Pluto isn't|being demoted as a planet.
I need to talk to you.
|Can we go in the editing room? -- Sure.
|-- Thanks.
Uh, it was gonna be demoted|as a planet.
It was gonna receive|minor-planet status, but apparently there was|an outpouring of protest.
Doesn't the whole thing|strike you as funny? What I'm gonna|say might well seem|abrupt and terrible, but when I say it,|I want you to remember|that the key word -- the key word --|is "temporarily.
" "Temporarily"|is the key word, so there's not gonna be|any reason to be upset|or unhappy, okay? I think we should|temporarily -- temporarily -- stop seeing each other.
-- I'm serious.
|-- I know.
-- I think we should temporarily|stop seeing each other.
|-- Okay.
-- I'm serious.
|-- I know.
-- Why are you not unhappy?|-- I don't acknowledge it.
-- You don't acknowledge it?|-- I don't recognize|the breakup.
I'm sorry.
-- No, you can't not|recognize it.
You can't!|-- I am.
I did.
-- Natalie, this is|a very hard time right now.
|-- I know.
-- My head is coming apart.
|-- I know.
I need to be able|to get my life in order, to say nothing of what's|going on with lsaac.
I mean, this is|a good time to give Dana|everything we've got.
-- I know.
|-- We need to stop seeing|each other.
I break up with you.
Hmm, not this time.
-- No.
I gotta|go back to work.
|-- Natalie,|this is unilateral! I don't need you to|sign off on this in order|for it to be valid! Sweetie, if it makes you feel|better to break up with me, that's fine, but I don't|break up with you.
It doesn't work like that! It's working like that|right now.
-- Does or does not the film|contain Seattle?|-- Hang on! -- It does.
|-- It does.
|-- Apparently, it does.
-- I'm not kidding, Natalie!|I'm totally serious!|-- Would you guys like us|to step out? -- No.
Jeremy's trying|to break up with me,|but it won't take.
|-- Natalie! Quiet.
|Show me Seattle.
Hey, Dan.
What do you say, Phil? Hey, Dan.
Celia, you're a knockout.
[ Knocking to|"Shave and a Haircut" ] Hey.
-- How you doin'?|-- Before I get mad at you,|how is lsaac? -- His blood pressure's|normal.
|-- Oh, that's something.
-- Why are you mad at me?|-- Why were you avoiding me|during the bomb scare? -- I wasn't avoiding you.
|-- You were.
We were out on the street|for over an hour.
It was a|perfectly good bomb scare.
-- I tried to find you.
|-- No, you didn't, and every time|I tried to find you,|someone would say you had just left the place|that someone else had just said|you had been right before.
-- That was a truly|spectacular sentence.
|-- Danny It was a bomb scare, Rebecca.
|I was serpentining.
I was employing|the covert ordinance tactics|that I learned.
Where did you learn|covert ordinance tactics? 'Nam.
-- You're avoiding me.
|-- Yes.
-- No, you are.
|-- I just admitted it.
-- You are, Danny.
|-- I'm saying I am.
Why are you avoiding me? -- Why?|-- Yeah.
Take a wild, flailing|shot in the dark.
Take a ridiculous,|nothing-on-the-line, "Hail Mary toss|in the backcourt" heave as to why I might be|avoiding you.
'Cause you thought|Steve and I were divorced when, in reality,|we're only separated, and Steve wants us to go|back into counseling, and I'm on the fence about it,|and you hate Steve? -- That's amazing.
|-- Dan -- That's amazing that you got it|on the first guess like that.
I'm gonna take you on tour.
|We're gonna make some money,|me and you.
I'm thinking about it.
|I'm thinking about going back|into counseling with Steve.
I never said|we needed to stop dating.
I will absolutely|not stand in the way|of another man's marriage.
Then what are you|doing here? What am I doing here? Yes.
I came to say hi.
[ Laughs ] No kidding.
I know you were looking|for me yesterday, but I reaffirm my position|that I'm here for you, but it'd be wrong|for us to date.
But it should be noted|that I'm here for you.
Where? Here.
So your strategy for this|is to be wonderful.
-- Yes.
|-- Listen -- You know why?|-- Why? It works every time.
-- Hey, Dan.
|-- Hey, Stuart.
[ Snaps fingers ]|Gotta go.
[ Sighs deeply ] Sally, I hope this won't|disrupt things too much|on the 2:00 A.
It won't.
-- It's just for|a week or so.
|-- I understand.
-- Just till lsaac|gets better.
|-- I'm just surprised.
-- Are you?|-- Surprised|that you asked me.
-- Why?|-- I would've thought|that you'd have more|confidence in Natalie.
-- No.
|-- I'd have thought you would.
[ Laughs ] No.
-- Good news.
|-- What? -- Pluto's still a planet.
|-- It was touch-and-go|there for a while? Don't underestimate Pluto.
|Pluto doesn't know|the word "quit.
" Natalie, in lsaac's absence, I'm gonna have Sally assume|some of my functions while I assume|some of lsaac's.
-- I had a hunch.
Thanks|for helping out, Sally.
|-- Sure.
-- It's just till|lsaac gets back.
|-- Right.
-- And I'm talking about|some of my functions,|not a lot, hardly any.
|-- Right.
I understand.
Casey: Hey.
Guys, I'm having Sally|take over a very small number|of my functions.
-- That's fine.
|-- Not many functions at all.
-- Could I say something,|please?|-- Sure.
Natalie and l|have broken up.
-- We have!|-- In his head.
-- I put it in writing.
|-- That's sweet.
All right, just so you know, -- if I wanted to, right now,|I could ask out other women.
|-- No.
-- I could.
|-- No.
Dana, would you like to|go out with me? -- I can't.
|You're seeing Natalie.
|-- Why not? That's it!|I'm calling the police! We've got the whiparound|with what? Baltimore, New York,|Boston.
Oakland, San Francisco,|and L.
Features? Mike Richter,|the Chinese swimmer,|and the Lakers' frontcourt.
-- Where are they?|-- 20, 50, and 60.
-- Where are we on time?|-- We're six minutes long.
Let's get it down|to two by the 10:00.
|That is all.
Natalie:|Back here at 10:00.
Hang on.
I've been handed|some information I've requested on, basically, what to do|in the event you think|the building you're in might blow up at any moment.
For instance, it says|you should stay away|from unsecured walls or open electrical wiring.
So, it's a good thing|you and I don't work in front|of a fake backdrop, over which hangs|like a million volts|of electrical equipment.
-- Yeah.
|-- Back here at 1 0:00.
[ Clears throat ] -- I need to talk to you.
|-- Sure.
-- My mother and father|are getting a divorce.
|-- I know that.
My father's been having|an affair with another woman|for 27 years.
-- I know that, too.
|-- That's since|before I was born.
And someone --|I'm not saying who -- has a little birthday|coming up.
Natalie, stop walking.
Nothing is the same anymore.
Many things are the same.
-- Natalie|-- I believe that your|decision-making skills aren't the best right now.
I'm taking you|into receivership.
We're not broken up.
He can hear you,|though, right? He understands|what you're saying? Well, tell him|everything here is fine.
Tell him to watch the show.
Tell him everything is fine.
I wish he'd let me|do more, Esther.
All right.
Isaac's wife? Yeah.
|He's doing better today.
Sally, tell me you didn't|have anything to do with Natalie getting|muscled to the side.
You know, for someone|I'm sleeping with, sometimes you don't say|the nicest things to me.
I'm sorry.
There's gonna be|a press conference after the owners meet|tonight in Tucson.
I can get you|on the satellite feed|between 10:20 and 10:40.
-- Do you want it?|-- Yeah -- You got it.
|-- but ask Natalie first.
I got a phone call,|Casey, that's all.
How many people know about us? -- How many have you told?|-- I've told Dan.
-- Then that's how many know.
|-- Okay.
Am I seeing you tonight? Call me after your show.
Should I just come over? Yeah, just come over.
But talk to Natalie|about the other thing.
I'm sorry about lsaac.
|I mean, yeah, okay.
-- Hey, Dan.
|-- Hey, Sally.
-- What the hell|does that mean?|-- What? No, I mean, what the hell|does that mean? What the hell does what mean? "Hey, Sally.
" It meant, "Hey, Sally.
" Okay, so did I just|totally come unglued? Yeah.
|Like to see it in you.
It's a tense time.
|Glue's not gonna work.
Want to try it again? Yeah.
Hey, Sally.
Hey, Dan.
There you go.
She's totally unglued.
-- We need to give that speech|to Dana and Natalie.
|-- What speech? -- The "unglued" speech.
|-- It wasn't a speech.
It was a talkin' to,|and we need to give it|to Dana and Natalie.
I've noticed|they're a little too calm.
-- Oh, they're way too calm.
|-- Frighteningly calm.
-- They're gonna blow|any second.
|-- I've been thinking|the exact same thing.
We can't defuse|the explosives, but we can detonate them|in an unpopulated area.
Drive it out to the desert,|where it can't hurt anybody.
That's right.
Now, if you've got|some calm people, and you want to|make them upset, -- I say we're the guys|to do it.
|-- Yeah.
-- Should we eat first?|-- Yeah.
[ Door opens ] It's no problem, Alan.
He's got it here someplace.
Uh, listen I'm gonna find it,|and I'll call you back.
Thank you.
No, it's no problem.
[ Laughs ] Oh.
Sally put together a Q&A|for the feed from Tucson.
Natalie,|it's what J.
He made a threat,|and I believed him.
It's okay.
This isn't a good time|to fight with the network.
I understand.
-- Thank you.
|-- It's no problem.
Dan: It's no problem.
|Casey: Don't worry about it.
-- Everything's fine.
|-- Couldn't be better.
No big deal.
-- What's going on?|-- Well, let's see.
The building had to be|evacuated last night because a group|of God-fearing people said they didn't like|Denny Denton's impression|of the son of God.
Why? Because Denny Denton|does him with a lisp.
My girlfriend, whom I've|grown quite fond of, is thinking of going back|to her husband, but that's just|'cause he treats her bad.
The only thing|in Jeremy's life that makes him happy|right now is Natalie, so he's decided|this would be a good time|to get rid of Natalie.
The network's decided|this is a good time|to show Dana who's boss, so unless you do something|in lickety-split,|his name's gonna be J.
And, oh, yeah, lsaac's lying|in a bed at Columbia Pres|with a stroke.
Anything else? We got the satellite feed|from Tucson.
Then we're all set.
Good show, everybody.
|Let's eat 'em up! We're women.
What? We're women.
You're women.
-- Yes.
|-- I have to say, Danny, that in both their cases, -- there's considerable evidence|to support that theory.
|-- Dana We're in charge.
|We're women in charge, and we're keeping it together.
That's what we do.
-- That's what you do?|-- That's right.
Well, we're men.
|We're petrified.
|That's what we do.
We found that giving into|our fears has made us stronger.
And not just a little|pathetic.
-- Right, mostly stronger.
|-- Yeah.
So, if you're scared,|if you're sad, if you're mad,|you should tell us.
It's entirely possible we'd|be able to say or do something|to make you feel better.
That's the other thing we do.
Did you say a lisp? Yes.
-- Denny Denton was doing|Jesus with a lisp?|-- Yes.
And that's why somebody|tried to blow us up? Yes.
-- I still hate you,|you know?|-- Yes.
Isaac had a stroke, and somebody tried|to blow up the building.
We're not having|our best week, are we? No but there's some good news|coming in 1 1 seconds, though.
-- Good news? What?|-- Yeah.
-- You ready?|-- Three minutes to air.
First team|to the studio, please.
Have a good show.
Hang in there with us,|Natalie.
Jeremy? The network.
I'll tell them|I can use Sally's help,|but I'm gonna run my show, and J.
can take a seat|in the bleachers.
Whatever you need.
I need you,|and I need lsaac back, and I need people|to stop trying|to blow up the building.
-- You got me.
|-- That's a start.
Let's go! Two minutes! Let's eat 'em up!|Isaac's watching tonight.
And I think you are|absolutely right|about Jeremy, by the way.
Refusing to accept|the breakup? Do not accept it.
|It is not recognized.
It is not valid.
I agree.
Roll VTR.
|60 seconds live.
Stand by 2, 2A, 4, and 5.
-- Loading F/X-5.
|-- F/X-5 is loaded.
-- No, it's not.
|-- It's loaded.
'Cause I just loaded it now.
I will kill you both|with my hands.
-- You're all set.
|Have a good show.
|-- Thank you, Alyson.
-- Alyson|-- Yes? Don't stand|too close to this wall.
[ Knocking ]|It's not real.
In fact, everybody listen up.
[ Snaps fingers ] The metallurgy, the structural|wiring, the glass -- I know we've come to think|of this place as home,|but it's a shooting gallery.
If you hear ticking,|run for your lives.
Okay, good show.
Dave: 30 seconds live.
I'd just like to confirm|for everybody that I am|Jeremy's girlfriend.
-- I am his girlfriend,|and he's seen me|naked many times.
|-- Natalie! Sometimes|I do a little dance.
-- Eyes front, mister!|-- Dave: In 10.
-- Dan.
|-- Yeah? I just wanted to say|that if anything terrible ever had to happen|to one of us, I'd want it to be you.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell|alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus|an Avalanche in Colorado, Lightning in Tampa Bay, and Warriors|in the Golden State.
We've got the Suns|moving into Phoenix, Hurricanes in Miami,|but guess what.
Pluto's still a planet.
All that coming up after this.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
[ Rock music plays ]