Sports Night (1998) s01e22 Episode Script

Napoleon's Battle Plan

Kim: Five minutes to air.
First team in the studio,|please.
Five minutes.
[ Telephone ringing ] Well Yes.
We're in our underwear.
There's no question about that.
We're two grown men with important jobs who are standing in their underwear.
Let's sing a song.
[ Dialing ] Yeah, this is Casey McCall.
We could use a little wardrobe|up here.
[ lndistinct voices ] Dave: Stand by.
|Chris: Loading 1 and FIX-1.
Will: Stand by, animation.
Give me Cleveland|and sound on 4.
-- What do you think?|-- About the camera? Not just a camera --|the Soshi/Suntac RTS-lll.
-- Sounds like a good camera.
|-- It is.
Stephon Marbury's|got four fouls.
It's got center spot metering,|AP and SP exposure modes, autobracketing,|a 5 FPS motor drive -- I'm gonna recut the T-wolves.
-- Marbury's got four fouls.
|-- TTL and spot preflash.
-- Sounds like|a pretty good camera.
|-- It's top of the line.
-- Do you take pictures?|-- No.
-- Have you ever|taken pictures?|-- No.
-- Do you know anything|about cameras?|-- Not as such, no.
But you're thinking|about buying one? I'm thinking about buying|the Soshi/Suntac RTS-lll, yes.
Natalie, we need first team.
We're getting there.
Dave: Five minutes to air.
-- What happened|to getting a plan?|-- I know.
-- There was supposed|to be a plan to stop|the Dana-Gordon engagement.
|-- I know.
-- Is there a plan?|-- No.
You have no plan? -- Well, it wasn't|for lack of trying.
|-- I think it was.
-- I tried.
|-- You didn't.
I tried to come up|with a plan.
-- But you didn't.
|-- I didn't try? -- You didn't come up|with a plan.
|-- That's right.
-- You have no plan.
|-- That's right.
[ Sighs ] You think there are people|in the building|across the street Iooking at us|in our underwear? Yes, I do.
Three minutes to VTR.
-- Four minutes live.
|-- What's the holdup? Something happened|to their pants.
-- Both their pants?|-- Yeah.
-- Was there|an industrial accident?|-- Wardrobe's pressing|the pants.
We don't have time.
|Kim, get 'em in the studio.
Folks, we'll get them their|pants in the first C-break.
None of this|would be happening if I had|the Soshi/Suntac RTS-lll|with built-in datapack.
-- Do you understand|anything you're saying?|-- No.
-- No plan?|-- Nope.
-- You know|what it might be time for?|-- Sadly, I do.
Yeah, it might be time|for me to step in.
Let's go.
|We'll get you the pants|at the C-break.
Okay, but l, for one,|would feel more comfortable if everyone took|their pants off.
He's right.
We're a team.
I'll tell you what really makes this|outfit work are the socks.
I was gonna say.
Glenn Rice is 6 for 6|from the arc in Portland.
If they win,|we call it "Hot in 50.
" -- Chris|Chris: I'm on it.
I was thinking about|the Nishika Super 2000 LS3, but then I figured,|"No, if I'm doing this,|I might as well go whole hog.
" Since you don't know|what you're doing anyway.
-- Exactly.
|-- She had a hard time|sleeping last night.
-- And read|a mail-order catalog.
|-- Yes.
For products|you know nothing about.
I can tell you|that for $219.
95, the Polaris|digital exposure meter is|a steal at twice the price.
-- Do you know what it is?|-- No, but I find myself|in the market for one.
Dave: Roll VTR.
Technically, I have a plan.
-- What's the plan?|-- It's Napoleon's plan.
-- Who's Napoleon?|-- The 19th-century|French emperor.
-- Cracking wise with me now?|Thanks.
|-- Yes.
-- He had a 2-part plan.
|-- What was it? First we show up,|then we see what happens.
-- That was his plan?|-- Yep.
-- Against the Russian army?|-- Yep.
-- "First we show up,|then we see what happens"?|-- Yep.
-- Almost hard to believe|he lost.
|-- Yeah.
Alyson, as you can see,|Casey and I aren't wearing|any pants, so I think in the interest|of office professionalism,|you should avert your eyes.
-- Either that|or take off your pants.
|-- I'll avert my eyes.
Suit yourself,|but you should know I play squash|three times a week and my calves|have been called "shapely.
" -- Good show.
|-- Good show.
-- Anyway, I'm stepping in.
|-- You're not stepping in.
-- The discussion's closed.
|Dave: In 10.
-- Casey, who's been calling|your calves "shapely"?|-- My mom.
Don't talk to me|for the rest of the show.
In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell.
Those stories,|plus Connie Morton in Chicago,|Jack Jankowitz in Hollywood, and Kelly Kirkpatrick in Vegas|for the big weigh-in.
We're right here|in midtown Manhattan, and we don't know|where you are, but we know you're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
Kim: Two minutes back.
In the interest|of full disclosure.
Say that again.
In the interest|of full disclosure.
That is so lame.
It's not lame.
It's pretty lame.
Not only isn't it lame,|I think it happens to be right.
Whereas I think|it's simultaneously|both wrong and lame.
-- Casey|-- It's none of my business.
-- It is your business.
|-- It's not.
I disagree.
I can live with that.
|Elliott Five years, $34 million|with the bonus and incentives.
-- Thank you.
|-- Hang on a second.
We can differ.
|It's okay with me as long as you understand|that I'm right.
-- You're not right.
|-- By "right,"|I meant "honorable.
" It's not right,|and it's not honorable.
-- It's the high road.
|-- It's the low road.
|It's the lowest of roads.
Other roads which would,|under normal circumstances,|be considered low roads would be high|relative to this road.
She's gonna marry him, Casey.
Well, that's entirely|up to her.
But you have information|that she doesn't have.
I graduated Phi Beta Kappa,|Danny.
I have information|most people don't have.
|It's my cross to bear.
He had an affair with Sally.
-- Yes.
|-- While he was dating Dana.
Did Elliott say $34 million|with incentives or plus|incentives? He slept with Sally|while he was seeing Dana, and I think that in the|interest of full disclosure, -- she should have|this information.
|-- No.
In the interest|of full disclosure -- -- Was it with or pl--|-- With incentives.
-- 500 at-bats,|20 stolen bases.
|-- Slugging percentage? Yes.
|I'm perfectly serious.
Why|is it wrong to tell her, huh? It doesn't seem|very manly, does it? Do it in a deep voice.
See me waving up here?|You know where I am? -- The high road?|-- I can see everything|from up here.
-- You have no plan?|-- I have a plan.
-- First you show up,|then you see what happens.
|-- It worked for Napoleon.
No, it didn't work|for Napoleon.
Napoleon was defeated|at Waterloo and died in exile|on the island of Elba! Actually,|he was murdered on Elba.
It's just one|of the many things I know|that most people don't.
Oh, I find myself incredibly|frustrated with you right now, and I think the best thing|for me to do is to go to the tape library and look at some film|on Atlanta's middle relief.
But before I do that,|I'd just like to say|that you have no plan.
I can barely hear you|up here, Danny.
-- I'm leaving now.
|-- I'm okay with that.
-- No plan.
|-- Got it.
-- Hello.
|-- Hang on.
-- Okay.
|-- What happens if I move|Tampa Bay and St.
Louis|to the 4-block? Does something bad happen|if I do that? There will be|55 seconds of dead air|starting at 1 1 :22.
That's pretty bad.
-- Yeah.
I got this memo|about the blood drive.
|-- Yeah.
-- I can't do it.
|I can't give blood.
|-- Okay.
That's fine.
-- What do you need|for Phil Jackson?|-- 3:45.
-- Can you make it 3:30?|-- Yeah.
|-- Dan -- I can't give blood.
|-- Okay.
-- That's all I had to say.
|-- Well, you've given me|a lot to think about.
-- Hi.
|-- Hi.
I'm gonna do something|that some people might|consider wrong.
-- I am not|one of those people.
|-- What is it? I believe what I do now|is right.
I believe it in my guts,|and my guts are all I have -- my guts|and a pleasing personality.
-- Dan|-- I've always lived|by my guts, Natalie.
About two months ago, Gordon spent the night|with Sally.
Who's Sally? Sally.
Sally? Yes.
|Now, I should tell you that Casey would prefer|Dana didn't know, so, armed with the information|I've just given you, I would ask you|to be responsible, discr-- Dana! Of course,|it's entirely up to you.
[ lndistinct voices ] Let me see the Chyron.
Chris: They need a second.
It's not|that I wouldn't like to.
|It's just that I can't.
-- Okay.
|-- That's really all|I have to say.
Check out this strobe|from B&C -- -- Do you know what it does?|-- I don't even know|what it is.
-- So, you're gonna get one?|-- I think I owe it to myself.
Good afternoon.
|I need to talk to you.
-- I haven't changed my mind.
|About the blood.
|-- About what? Don't worry about it.
|Please come with me.
I tell you, they might as well|throw in the Dyna-lite -- with the 10-inch reflector|and the 4-way barn-door set.
|-- Dana! Yeah, I've really made up|my mind about this.
-- You have to cancel|the plans.
|-- What plans? The marriage plans --|you have to cancel them.
I've been engaged for two days.
|I have no marriage plans.
You have to call off|the engagement.
You have to|give back the ring.
-- I don't have a ring.
|He's giving it to me|at lunch.
|-- You have to call off lunch.
I am actually pretty hungry.
-- Dana, seriously.
|-- What? Gordon slept with Sally|a couple of months ago.
Who told you that? I can't tell you.
How did this person know? -- They know.
I don't know.
|-- How do they know? Well, I don't believe it.
-- Dana, this person --|-- They got it wrong.
I'll ask him about it at lunch,|but they got it wrong.
You think? Yeah.
-- You seem calm.
|-- Yes.
-- You wouldn't think|you'd be this calm.
|-- No, you wouldn't think so,|would you? No.
I'll ask him about it|at lunch.
-- Yeah.
|-- Dana? Yeah, I'll be right there.
You really wouldn't think|I'd be this calm.
[ Horn honking ] Dana: Look at it.
|Gordon: Yeah.
-- It's like, "There it is.
"|-- Yep.
I'm waving it around|and -- wha! There's an engagement ring.
Oh, it looks great on you.
-- It's the hardest substance|known to man.
|-- Yes.
It can cut glass.
Dana, what's on your mind? -- What?|-- What's on your mind? You've been strange|all through lunch.
Gordon, I've been strange|my entire life.
[ Chuckles ] Dana Did you have an affair|with Sally Sasser? I don't believe it.
-- Did you?|-- I don't believe it.
-- Casey told you?|-- No, as a matter of fact,|he didn't.
-- Who told you?|-- It couldn't be|less important.
-- It is important.
|-- Well, I think|there are other things which have become|more important.
-- Dana|-- Can I tell you about some|of our dessert specials? -- No, thank you.
|-- No, thanks.
-- The chef has made|a pecan pie.
|-- Thanks anyway.
One plate with two forks.
Seriously, I'll kill you.
Give us a second? I'm sorry.
It happened|during our really bad time.
I thought we were through.
|I really did.
Dana, my life is flashing|in front of my eyes.
This is not something|to blow this over.
I want to marry you.
Dana, I l-- How would Casey know? -- What?|-- You thought|that Casey told me.
How would Casey know? It's not important.
-- How would he know?|-- lt [ Chuckles ] [ Clears throat ] This part is funny,|actually.
[ Chuckles ] About a week before I had|my liaison with Sally, Caseyspent the night|at her place and left without his shirt.
It was in her closet.
|I mistook it for my shirt.
I was wearing it.
|Casey called me on it.
I see.
Dana, Dana it was nothing.
It would never --|would never happen|when we were married.
I believe you.
-- Really?|-- Yes.
See, people think|it's the needle, but|it's not the needle.
Look at this.
|Nobody's on the perimeter.
It's really not the needle.
-- One, two, three people|collapse on MacElroy.
|-- It's this.
That blood is ostensibly going|someplace it needs to go.
It's on its way|to oxidize something.
|I have to respect that.
-- That's fine.
|-- All right,|it's a little bit the needle.
Jeremy, can I have|the room, please? Dana, I know the|blood drive is important.
|I just can't do it.
-- I could honestly care less.
|Please close the door.
|-- Thank you.
Did you sleep with my fiancé|and then sleep with my anchor? [ Sighs deeply ] -- That's an awfully abrupt|and impolite question, Dana.
|-- Did you? I'm not prepared to stipulate|that the answer to that question|is any of your business.
Cut the crap, Sally.
|This isn't a Noel Coward play.
Nonetheless,|I'm not your enemy,|and I'm not on your staff, so I'll ask you to reconsider|your tone of voice.
I apologize.
He told me|you'd broken up, Dana.
You'd just seen us together! He said you'd broken up|that day.
-- And so that night|you go --|-- I think I'll stand here|while you scold me.
I don't like|territorial women, Sally! Well, I guess we won't be|sharing a ride to the prom,|then, will we, Dana? At a time when this organization|was in trouble, you deliberately and maliciously|went out of your way -- -- To sleep with your|boyfriend and your anchor?|-- Yes! First of all, I didn't|have to go very far out of|my way to do either one, and the fact that you think|that my personal life -- is an act of aggression|-- You're right.
-- is so typically you!|-- You're absolutely right.
What? [ Voice breaking ] I'm sorry.
|You're absolutely right.
[ Crying ] I can't believe|I just came in here and said that to you.
[ Sighs ] Oh, aren't I pathetic? No.
Dana, listen to me.
You're not mad|'cause I slept with Gordon.
You don't care|that I slept with Gordon.
You're mad|that I slept with Casey.
-- No.
|-- Yes.
-- Why would I --|-- Dana Look, it was --|I mean, it was one night.
Well, i-it was one night|with Gordon.
How many nights was it|with Casey? We've been spending|the night together|for about two months.
Oh, I didn't know.
Just late, after work.
|I-I don't get out of here|till 3:00, and -- Yeah, but, I mean -- -- Dana|-- No, you're right.
|Of course you're right.
It's none of my business.
Dana I should go.
Casey, um|doesn't like me that much.
What? Casey doesn't like me|that much.
I'm sure you're wrong, Sally.
No, I'm not.
I should go.
See ya.
Natalie Yes, Dan? I've been thinking,|and, in retrospect, I'm not sure|it was such a good idea for me to have told you|about Gordon and Dana.
Well, you've got|a problem, then, Dan.
You already told Dana? Yes, I did,|and Dana told Gordon,|and Gordon revealed Casey, and Sally added|that it's been going on|for two months.
Well, I hit the jackpot,|then, didn't l? -- Daniel, don't we have|an understanding about|sharing information?|-- Yes, we do.
-- We have an understanding.
|-- I know.
Thank you! You knew|about Gordon and Sally, and you knew|about Casey and Sally, -- and someone didn't share,|did they?|-- No.
When the dust settles|on this thing, you know what|you're gonna have to get? -- Punishment?|-- A little punishment.
[ Sighs ] [ Telephones ringing ] At-bats, stolen bases,|slugging percentage, total bases, RBls,|runs scored, walks -- it's a lot of incentive.
|I'd try my best.
What? Hi.
So, listen I don't quite know|how to say this, but things have changed|since the last time we spoke.
What kind of things? Well, you know how you|didn't want anyone to know|about Gordon and Sally? Yeah.
That's not so much|the way it is anymore.
I see.
And people not knowing|about you and Sally -- Yeah? That's a thing of the past|as well.
So here's what I think|we gotta do.
I think we gotta live|in the now.
I think we say, "Okay.
|This has happened.
" I think we do those things.
-- Really?|-- Yeah.
I think I beat|the crap out of you.
That's not what I would call|living in the now.
No, it's a lot more|like beating the crap|out of you.
-- Yeah.
|-- You told Dana? I told Natalie.
|Natalie told Dana.
Oh, boy!|Who would have thought?! -- Dana told Gordon.
|Dana told Sally.
|-- Yes.
Of course,|Sally already knew.
-- Dannyshut up.
|-- Listen -- you don't get to decide|what the high road is, okay? You're not that guy.
From time to time,|I call one on my own.
You're a woman,|you know that? I'm gonna stick you|under a hair dryer.
Youare a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed,|overpaid blowhole! Which one of us|are you talking to? Get out! -- The high road,|my friend --|-- Get out.
Yes? Well Since when do I need|your permission|to have a social life? Please lower your voice.
I do not want your|tawdry tales of office lust|infecting my newsroom.
-- Casey|-- Yeah?|-- We'd like to hear 'em.
I don't see|why you have any right|to be upset about this.
Really? Then why were|you keeping it a secret? 'Cause I thought you|might be upset about this.
Well, I didn't think|you had a right to, but I thought|you might be upset.
Sally? -- Listen, I --|-- Sally? -- Hey, let me see the ring.
|-- No, you may not|see the ring.
-- Okay.
|-- I have to go now, Casey.
Where are you going? -- I'll tell you|where I'm going.
|I'm going to buy a camera.
|-- Okay.
I'm buying|the Soshi/Suntac RTS-lll.
Well, since when|do you take pictures? Starting now, immediately, as soon as I learn|how to work the camera.
-- Excellent.
|-- I'm getting|the Contax filters|and the rubber hood, too.
[ Groans ] I have to go this way.
Kim: Five minutes to air.
First team in the studio,|please.
This is happening|way too often.
Actually, I think|you're getting caught in the crossfire|of my punishment.
-- Who's punishing you?|-- Natalie,|for not telling her sooner.
I think she's withholding|our pants.
You're a lot of fun|to share an office with today,|you know that? -- It's not my best day.
|-- No.
Two minutes to VTR.
|Three minutes live.
-- Stand by.
|-- Stand by, animation.
I'll write a check.
|I'll volunteer my time.
I just prefer|not to give my actual blood.
Natalie, why don't the guys|have their pants again? Because someone forgot|to share.
|Show me the Metrodome, Chris.
What do you think about film? Oh, I'd definitely use some.
|I think you'll see|a real difference.
My point is I don't think|I should be judged for this.
Metrodome is up.
They're definitely looking at us|from across the street.
Not at you so much, but they're definitely|looking at me.
Let's go.
You'll get them|in the C-break.
-- Casey|-- Yep? -- Those are nice boxers.
|-- Shut up.
Dave: Roll VTR.
-- Did you know|about any of this?|-- Any of what? -- Gordon and Casey|and Sally.
|-- I don't even know|about it now.
-- But you know about sharing?|And you know about punishment?|-- Yes.
Good show, everybody.
Hey, guys, Casey's feeling|a little blue.
I think it would|really pick him up if you|complimented his underwear.
-- It's plaid.
|-- Yes, it is.
|Dave: 30 seconds.
Guys, you're gonna have to do the first two blocks|without your pants.
Casey, you should feel|right at home.
Thank you.
So, you want to be mad|at me, -- but secretly you're happy.
|-- Danny Secretly you're happy.
The high road's|a very happy place, Danny.
Lookit's your plan.
We just showed up.
|Nowwe see what happens.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
|From New York City, I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell.
Those stories, plus|we've got a blowout|in Philadelphia, a burnout in Daytona,|and a bailout in Baton Rouge.
Dan: We've got|high jinks in Houston and|a mountain in Motor City.
All that coming up|after this.
You're watching|"Sports Night" on CSC,|so stick around.
Dave: We're out.
|Will: Two minutes back.
Chris:|Stand by, 5, 6, and 6A.
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Stand by, animation.
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