Sports Night (1998) s02e20 Episode Script

Bells And A Siren

Catherine: It's gonna|be a hot place.
Dan: It's in New Jersey.
It's gonna be|the hot new place.
New Jersey's gonna be|the hot new place? The restaurant's gonna be|the hot new place.
The restaurant's in New Jersey.
Right across the river.
Yeah,|but across the river Just on the other side.
-- Which makes it New Jersey.
|-- Dan, you gotta trust me.
Are other people|gonna be there? Of course other people|are gonna be there.
-- I mean, other people.
|-- Yeah.
Who? Jay Mclnerney, lvana Trump.
Interestingly, the other girl who used to be married|to Donald Trump, -- whose name I can't|-- Right.
She, I grant you,|is not A-list.
Trump's ex-wife? The one after lvana|whose name I can't remember.
I like her.
I can't|remember her name, either, although I can tell you she was very good in|"Will Rogers Follies.
" What did she do? She sang, she danced,|I think she twirled a rope.
All I know is,|I was finally happy to see her realize|her dream of the stage.
Kim: Five minutes to air.
First team in the studio,|please.
All I'm saying is that|the heat's died down on her a little since she's|not with Trump anymore.
Yeah, and I think that's come|as a surprise to all of us.
But it shouldn't stop you|from showing up tonight.
I will.
Just make an appearance,|get your picture taken I just said I will.
I will be in New Jersey|at midnight tonight.
Should we have a car|take us? Not when we could|just as easily swim|across the Hudson, no.
-- You don't want|to hire a car?|-- We'll take my car.
-- We should hire a car.
|-- I like to drive.
There's gonna be press.
|People will see you|driving your own car.
Oh, yeah, we wouldn't|want it to get out that|I have a driver's license.
-- We'll take your car.
|-- Yes, we will.
-- Right after the show?|-- Yes, already.
I'm a very important part|of your life now, Dan.
-- You can't take me|for granted.
|-- I don't take you for granted.
Elliot, this is|my publicist's secretary,|Catherine something.
-- Brenner, and I'm not|a secretary.
|-- Nice to meet you.
-- She's in the 1 0th grade.
|-- I'm 22.
|-- We're inside 5.
-- You're not gonna|flake out, right?|-- Leave me alone.
-- Where's Dana?|-- Editing.
-- Is she talking to me yet?|-- No.
-- Danny?|-- What?! Promise you're not|going to flake out.
Just go into a room and watch|"Felicity," would you? Right.
[ Chuckles ]|At 1 1 :00 on a Thursday? Hey, I'm out of the|mainstream, Catherine.
I better get myself|to New Jersey and stat.
Dana, we've got Samaranch|for three minutes via|satellite if we want it.
It will come in the 20s, which is fine if you'll|let me move Boston.
|What do you think? -- I'm sorry, was somebody|speaking in here?|-- Dana -- I thought I heard voices.
|-- Dana Oh, must have been mistaken.
-- Look|-- "Saturday Night Live"? -- Do you want|the damn satellite feed?|-- "Saturday Night Live"? Dana,|it's just an interview.
-- It's a job interview.
|-- That's right.
-- Yes.
|-- Yeah.
-- Well, you have a job.
|-- Not for long.
-- Who told you that?|-- You did.
That was before.
-- Before what?|-- Before the ratings surge.
-- There hasn't been|a ratings surge.
|-- Oh, there's been|a ratings spike.
-- Dana|-- In the last 10 days,|we have ticked up 2/10|in households, big market carriers -- Atlanta, Miami,|San Francisco, Scottsdale -- Scottsdale's|a big market carrier? Lot of sports fans|in Scottsdale, Natalie.
The tide is turning, and you know what you do|when the tide is turning? -- Stay with the boat?|-- You stay with the boat.
You don't go out|on job interviews.
You told me to.
In haste.
Not in haste -- out of|experience and expertise in how these things go|when these things go down.
Up 2/10|in the last 10 days! It's a momentary thing, Dana.
|They're tuning in for Agassi.
But I'm saying|we build on that.
Nobody's offered me|anything.
I'm going|to have an interview.
-- With|"Saturday Night Live.
"|-- Yes.
-- Okay.
|-- Do you want the feed? -- I'm sorry?|-- I said, "Do you|want the feed?" -- Was someone talking?|I thought I heard voices.
|-- Dana Dave: Roll VTR.
|Will: 60 seconds live.
Chris, tell broadcast we'll|take the Samaranch feed.
They'll count in from 22.
Dana, you know about|the problem with the|fire alarms in the studio? What's the problem with the|fire alarms in the studio? They go off when there's|no fire in the studio.
-- Really?|-- They've been|going off at night.
-- Are they gonna go off|during the show?|-- We had them disconnected.
-- What if there's a fire?|-- It's the studio.
|You'll see it on television.
-- Have them connected|after the show and|then get this fixed.
|Elliot: Yeah.
Dan, the Lakers just scored|1 4 unanswered in the 4th.
-- Give it to me in the 10s.
|-- You want tape? Ask Dana.
You want tape? I'm sorry,|did someone say something? That was Jeremy.
|You can hear Jeremy.
Tape if they get|within 6, Danny.
-- Thank you.
|Dave: 30 seconds live.
What kind of food|are they serving? What do you care? I'm just wondering if it's, uh,|native New Jersey cuisine.
[ Scoffs ]|It's French.
-- Ah|-- Yes.
I like the French.
You do? Yes, I do.
|I like their toast.
I like their dressing.
|I like their fries.
I like their maids.
|I like their kissing.
[ Chuckles ]|Okay, right now, before we go on the air,|the image of you doing that is, like, the last thing|I want in my head.
-- I like French's Mustard.
|-- Casey, come on I like Mr.
Dave: In 32 Good evening.
|Bonsoir from New York City, -- [ Laughs ]|-- I'm Casey McCall|alongside Dan Rydell.
-- Hey.
|-- Good morning, Jeremy.
Tampa's gonna put|La Guardia on waivers.
Is it on the wire? No, but it will be.
-- Don't you want to know|what I'm doing?|-- Okay.
I'm being pro-active, Jeremy.
|I'm rolling up my sleeves.
You've heard something new? In the last 10 days,|we're up 2/10 in households, Isn't that just Agassi? Maybe, maybe not.
|But now on the elevator I hear Continental Corp|suspended trading for the day on the New York|stock exchange.
-- You know why?|-- No.
-- Me neither,|but I'm gonna find out.
|-- Okay.
So while the rest of you are|running around like chickens|with your legs cut off, -- I'm playing|a leadership role.
|-- Heads cut off.
-- What?|-- We are running around like|chickens with our heads cut off.
-- Right.
|-- If our legs were cut|off, we wouldn't be able|to run around at all.
I'd be able to throw you|around, though, wouldn't l? -- Yeah.
|-- Okay.
So what are you doing? -- What am I doing?|-- Yeah.
-- Let's get Socratic.
|-- Okay.
Why is all this happening? The cutbacks? Well, the cutbacks,|losing the Olympic coverage, the deal with Austech,|the threat of layoffs.
Because Continental Corp's|stock has been dropping.
'Cause Continental Corp's|stock has been dropping.
|Yes, very good.
I see you've been rolling|up your sleeves as well.
Yes, I'm alive,|and I read the newspaper.
Industry analysts|believe that launching a cable sports network|in an already saturated market -- was a mistake|for Continental Corp.
|-- Yes.
-- And what's the single|biggest budget expense|for this cable network?|-- Our show.
-- "Sports Night.
|-- Thank you.
Now, my job isn't|in jeopardy because -- Well,|you're the franchise.
|-- That's right.
Your job isn't|in jeopardy because I don't get paid|very much.
It's people like Natalie|whose jobs are in jeopardy.
-- So what did I do?|-- You rolled up your sleeves.
-- [ Snaps fingers ]|I got pro-active.
|-- Natalie will rest easier.
The power of the lnternet,|my friend.
I got on-line.
I didn't know you knew|how to do that.
Oh, a guy from tech support|taught me.
-- Should have asked me.
|-- I was a little embarrassed.
I can't imagine why.
Look at this morning's|stock quotes.
We opened up 2 2/8.
The S&P index has us|over 900 for the first time|in 18 months, and we're very competitive|with MCl WorldCom.
Couple more days of this, and I'm ready to pronounce|this a healthy stock issue with a very promising|fiscal outlook.
You know you're looking|at the stock analysis for Continental Coil,|right? -- Hmm.
|-- Yeah.
-- Continental Coil.
|-- Yes.
-- That's not us.
|-- No.
"Saturday Night Live,"|of all places.
Did I tell you|to keep it to yourself? Yes.
-- Did l?|-- Yes.
You said,|"Doesn't it look to you Iike they're talking|about cutbacks?" I said, "Yes.
" You said,|"Natalie's in jeopardy.
" I said, "Yes.
"|And what else did I say? You said,|"Keep it to yourself.
" I said,|"Keep it to yourself!" I said,|"Before we start a panic, -- let's know|what we're talking about.
"|-- Yes.
-- Did you keep it|to yourself?|-- No.
-- What did you do?|-- I told Natalie.
-- And what happened?|-- Panic ensued.
Plan well-executed.
-- Are you growing a beard?|-- No.
-- Did you shave|this morning?|-- No.
-- Why?|-- I like an electric razor.
You should buy one.
I have one.
|I have four.
-- You have four|electric razors.
|-- Yes.
-- Why?|-- I like them.
Is your electricity|not working? Esther baby-proofed|the house.
[ Laughing ] Matthew's here.
|I totally forgot.
When was the last time|you saw him? About nine months ago --|before the stroke.
Matthew's here.
The kid|can't even walk yet.
Why are we locking|the medicine cabinets? -- Does he crawl?|-- Not up walls, no.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
Tampa's gonna put|La Guardia on waivers.
-- Is that for real?|-- Will be in a few minutes.
I should go.
Isn't it great? What? Matthew's here.
Get out.
He's meeting with some|budget guys at 4:00.
Mitchel? Yeah, and Sid Janus|and Janet Alperin.
You're talking to me.
I'm just pointing|that out.
-- I'm talking to you again.
|-- I'm glad.
-- What time's your interview?|-- It's on the dinner break.
Let me tell you why|it's not gonna go well.
-- What?|-- Let me tell you why|your job interview is|gonna go very badly.
Why? You're not funny.
-- I don't need to be funny.
|-- Yes, you do.
They're looking|for a studio producer.
I don't think I have|to write the show.
You might.
-- What?|-- In an emergency.
What kind of emergency? A writer emergency.
There's not gonna be|a writer emergency.
There could be.
Also,|they expect you to be|funny at the control room and then later on|at the post-show party.
I am funny.
No, you're not.
|You're not funny|in the control room, you're not funny|at the post-show party, and you are not funny|in a writer emergency.
-- You're just trying|to undermine my confidence.
|-- That's right.
-- What?|-- I said, "That's right.
" You're trying|to undermine my confidence? And undermine it|I will, for I am queen|of the mind game, baby.
I am in your head now,|and this is me all day|long there, Malibu Barbie.
-- Dana|-- You're short, and nobody|likes you very much.
I'm gonna go start|the camera test.
Princess|of the psych-out, baby! Hey.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
I'm in her head now.
-- Good.
|-- Good.
I got the psychological|end of this covered.
Well, Jeremy and I are taking|care of business over here.
-- Yep.
|-- Yep.
So we really have|nothing to worry about? -- Yeah.
|-- Yeah.
[ Keyboard keys clicking ] Good.
|Very interesting.
Casey: Yeah?|What do you got? Well, the Dow Jones|industrials are down 4.
9%, which is its biggest loss|since October 15th, while the NASDAQ composite|remained in positive territory.
-- You know what that means?|-- What? No, I'm asking you.
-- No, do you?|-- No.
-- Hey.
|-- Hey.
Where's Dan? Uh, he's got Sprewell|at the Garden.
Okay, well, then, Jeremy,|can I talk to you for a second? Yes.
Keep an eye|on this.
What are|the warning signs? What am I looking for? Uh, red lights are gonna start|going off on the computer with bells and a siren, and|that means we're all in trouble.
Really? Yeah.
Dana's been trying|to psych me out.
-- Really?|-- She's been trying to|undermine my confidence so I tank the interview.
That doesn't sound|like Dana.
-- Well, it's coming|from a place of love.
|-- Yes.
Anyway, it's ridiculous,|and, obviously, it's|not gonna work.
But I just wanted a few|words of encouragement,|and so I came to you.
-- No, you came to Dan.
|-- And then you.
-- Okay.
|-- So what do you think? I think you're|gonna do great.
You're poised,|you're experienced,|you're gonna do fine.
-- Thank you.
|-- The only thing|I'd worry about|is your limited vocabulary.
What? -- Your extremely limited|vocabulary.
|-- Jeremy It's not so much that|it's limited, it's that you don't know|that it's limited.
-- Meaning|-- You frequently misuse words.
Dana got to you.
-- You're gonna be fine.
|-- Thank you.
I wouldn't worry|about the height thing.
[ Knocks ]|A friend! Thank God.
|Hey, Dan.
-- Hey, dumbass.
|-- Danny! I saw Dana|in the hallway.
I hate all of you.
How was the thing|last night? It was ridiculous,|and I'm not doing|anything like it again.
Was Marla Maples there? That's her name! Yes, she|was there.
Thank you.
-- Nice girl.
|-- Lovely girl.
Saw her in the|"Will Rogers Follies.
" -- The girl can twirl a rope.
|-- No doubt about it.
Anyway, I felt stupid,|and I'm not doing|those things anymore.
-- Okay.
|-- The high-water mark|was when I was mistaken|for a Backstreet Boy.
-- Is there a Backstreet Boy|I look like?|-- Yeah.
-- Which one?|-- That guy.
How was the thing|last night? I'm firing my publicist.
-- Really?|-- I've invited him|up here to fire him.
I thought your publicist|was a woman.
That's my guy's assistant.
|My publicist is a man.
-- And you invited him|up here to fire him|-- Yes.
instead of doing it|over the phone? -- That would've been rude.
|-- Sure.
What are you doing? Looking out|for our future.
-- Really?|-- Yep.
Hmmwell,|I feel better already.
Isaac: You're gonna|be terrific.
-- Thank you.
|-- And don't worry about Dana|and Danny and Jeremy.
Everyone wants the best|for you.
Any last-minute advice? Stay away from big words|and don't try to be funny.
I'm going now.
-- Hey.
|-- I'm going now.
Is that what|you're wearing? I hate you! She's totally cooked.
[ Chuckles ]|What do you need? How did it go? -- The budget meeting?|-- Yeah.
I don't know.
What do you mean? Something's going on.
Like what? Sid Janus|was acting strange.
Sid Janus|always acts strange.
I bought this at lunch.
|It's for Matthew.
What is it? Franklin the Turtle.
|[ Laughs ] Yeah, he'll like that.
What is the matter|with you? What? What's the matter with you?|A week ago, you couldn't|wait to see Matthew.
All you talked about|was Matthew.
You were driving us nuts|with Matthew.
Now, all of a sudden,|he's a burden.
He's not a burden.
He's a pain in the ass,|and you want him|and his parents out.
That's not true.
"l can't use|my electric razor.
" "They baby-proofed|the medicine cabinets.
" "l don't like|your turtle puppet.
" I didn't say a word|about the turtle puppet.
-- lsaac|-- Matthew's afraid of me.
-- What do you mean?|-- He's afraid of me.
When I come to him|to pick him up, he shrieks and runs to his mother|or his father or Esther.
He hasn't seen you|since he was 7 months old.
He doesn't know you.
Isaac -- The way I walk -- I look like the monsters|in cartoons he watches.
And, you know, late at night|when I come home, my speech is worse,|and my facial muscles, uh, you know, I try, but Isaac.
But when I'm tired It's the stroke, Dana.
|He's afraid of me.
|Maybe right now he is.
But he's|a year and a half old,|and he'll get over it.
[ Chuckles ]|Yes, he will.
And I'm happy to give him|the turtle puppet.
Anyway Sid Janus|was acting strange.
[ Keyboard keys clicking ]|Nabisco's up 1/4.
You have stock in Nabisco? -- I have 10 shares.
|-- Really? I bought it three hours|ago.
It's the heartbeat|of my portfolio.
People are gonna buy|those cookies.
That's what I'm saying.
How many times are the two of|you gonna check that screen? Well, we're monitoring|our future, Danny.
What are you looking for,|exactly? Jeremy says there'll be|bells and a siren, then|we'll know we're in trouble.
You know I was kidding|when I said that, right? Yeah.
-- Hey.
|-- Catherine.
-- Am I late?|-- I was expecting Paul.
Paul sent me.
-- Why?|-- I'm your account.
Paul's my account.
|You're Paul's assistant.
And I'm your girl.
Everybody out.
I need to|speak to Catherine.
I've got to monitor|our future, Danny.
-- We can do it out there.
|-- We can? -- Yeah.
|-- How? Every single desk has|a computer terminal out there.
Yeah, they all have|this stuff on them? Yes, Casey, they're|all hooked up to|the magical lnternet.
Casey, come on.
[ Sighs deeply ]|I'll be out there.
-- Hi.
|-- Hi.
You're fired.
I'm fired? Technically, Paul's fired.
Danny, you're my account.
-- You're my girl?|-- Yeah.
Then you're fired, too.
You don't think|we're good publicists? I think you're fine|publicists.
I just don't|want to do this anymore.
Do what anymore? I'm not a war correspondent|for Radio Free Europe, but I do take|what I do seriously.
And I just don't want to do|these things anymore.
You know,|for an hour a night, I got three million people|looking at me.
That's plenty of attention|for one guy.
-- Okay.
|-- It was good|knowing you, though.
|I appreciate the work.
-- Do you mind|if I say something?|-- No.
You're really|full of it, Dan.
I don't think I am.
No, I really think you are.
There are these things you|want, and you're ashamed|that you want them, and then you get mad|at the people who try|to give them to you.
And you make|these judgments.
Like, you decided off|the bat that I'm dumb,|which I'm not.
Being a publicist|isn't Radio Free Europe,|either, Danny.
I know what most people|think of us.
But I wanted to be one,|so I'm going after it.
You want to be famous.
|I don't think there's always|something wrong with that.
I'm told being famous|is enjoyable.
I can understand why|you would want it, particularly when|it translates directly|into business for you and your show|at a time when both|could use it.
You came to us, Danny.
If you want to fire us,|that's fine, but don't look down|your nose at me.
It's really unbecoming.
[ Telephone ringing ] [ Sighs deeply ] Catherine.
All right, one -- fine, one condition.
I never have to go|to New Jersey.
You go where l|tell you to go.
All right, no conditions.
-- I'll tell Paul.
|-- Fine.
But I'm your account,|right? -- Right.
|-- Okay.
Have a good show.
Want to stay and watch? I'm going home.
|I taped "Felicity.
" You're kidding.
Oh, okay.
You did one on me there.
Have a good show.
[ Lighter drops ] Dave: Five minutes to air.
Natalie: Dana?|-- First team|to the studio, please.
Five minutes.
[ Knock on door ] [ Sighs, clears throat ]|Come in.
-- I'm back.
|-- Yes.
-- I've been back|for a while now.
|I didn't know if you knew.
|-- Yeah.
-- Dana, your garbage can's|on fire.
|-- Oh.
Paper, you know,|is combustible.
[ Water pouring,|fire hissing ]|What do I look like,|Fireman Bob? Anyway, I'm back.
How did it go? -- I totally tanked.
|-- Yeah? -- No confidence.
|-- Yeah? No communication skills,|no sense of humor.
Certain that my heels|weren't high enough.
I'm sorry.
They kind of gave me|a courtesy listen for about an hour,|but it was over pretty early.
Trey Curtis called|from "Saturday Night Live.
" He said you killed.
He said they offered|to beat your salary by 25% right there|in the room.
He couldn't believe|you passed.
I've been here|since the first show, Dana.
I went into the bathroom|and threw up before that show.
You got to have a lot|invested in something to boot as spectacularly as I did|before that first show.
I really believe|I'm a big part of this.
I'd be crazy|not to stick around and see how it turned out.
Also, seriously, -- one day you're gonna|burn the building down.
|-- I know.
-- Well, try and change|in that regard.
|-- I don't know how.
Don't smoke.
Natalie, I don't think|I do a very good job in showing you|how much I respect you.
Yes, you do.
-- First team to the studio.
|3 minutes.
|-- It said "stand by.
" I saw it say "stand by.
"|Jeremy, didn't it say|"stand by"? -- It still says "stand by.
"|-- It still says "stand by.
" It's been five minutes now|that thing has said "stand by.
" Elliot: Does anybody|smell smoke? -- What the hell's going on?|-- It says "stand by.
" We're on the air|in three minutes.
Chris:|I smell smoke, too.
-- Dana lit her office|on fire.
|-- Ah.
-- There's still some smoke.
|-- Let's go.
Dana, Jeremy hacked into|this amazing thing.
It's giving us a 24-hour|real-time business update, and it's technologically|calibrated to flag us, essentially, when there is|an important business update regarding Continental Corp.
Casey, listen to|me -- I logged on|to Continental Corp.
I know.
|You're a magician, Jeremy.
-- Guys|-- Dana, the point is,|we got the "stand by"|signal a few minutes ago.
It could honestly indicate|a major stock leap or a merger or any number|of things that would qualify|as a miracle around here.
Well, we're gonna have|to find out later.
[ Computer beeps ]|Hang on.
-- Oh|-- What? We're for sale? [ Fire alarm|ringing and blaring ] -- Jeremy?|-- Yeah? -- That's the fire alarm,|right?|-- Yeah.
[ Alarm stops ] Let's worry about it|in an hour.
Let's go! [ Rock music plays ]