State of Georgia (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Mo' Honey, Mo' Problems

Can we watch something else? Fern loves watching "Trading Spaces.
" I know, but Fern has seen this one nine times.
This is Fern's favorite episode.
Her cousin Ficus is in it.
All right, well, since family is involved, I guess we can watch it again.
You know, having Fern is like our own personal home makeover.
You're right.
Aunt Honey's apartment does feel more like home since we got him.
Make room, girls.
I'm moving in.
Huh? I'm having my apartment repainted.
It'll just be for a few days.
Don't mind me.
I travel light.
Thank you, boys.
They're not insured or bonded, but they're good to look at.
Feel free to take Jo's room.
Oh, no, mine's probably really messy.
You'd be better off in Georgia's room.
Well, actually I'm going to need both rooms-- one to sleep in and one to meditate.
I'm not an animal.
Oh, and get rid of that plant.
Fern? I don't allow living vegetation in my apartment.
Plants steal oxygen from humans.
As a scientist, I can definitively tell you that plants do the opposite.
You have your theory.
I have mine.
Move it out.
I have to organize for my Charity event.
I raise money for porn.
Porn needs money? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's doing well.
Not porn, P-W-O-R-N-- The Poor Women's Outreach Resource Network.
Oh, it's a favorite cause of mine.
So you're really into pworn? I chair the gala committee.
So what, does that make you, like, a pworn star? I work very hard at this cause.
Wow, hard core.
Okay, you get one more.
Choose it well.
Okay okay We have been invaded by Aunt Honey.
Have you been in the kitchen? Did you see the refrigerator? She threw out all of the food and replaced it with champagne.
You know what will take the edge off? A nice bowl of Bran Flakes and bubbly.
Oh my goodness, she has a signed copy of the King James Bible.
- Who signed it? - King James.
What? Let me see.
Oh, no, that says "Kevin James.
" "The king of queens" dude? Oh, bank statements.
I wonder what that is.
Oh, it's just bank statements.
( Gasps ) That is confidential and personal.
Do you not want to know how much she's worth? - Yes, please.
- Okay.
Um, as of last week, she's worth 42 Million? Trillion? cents.
She-- she only has 42¢ in her account.
42¢? No no no, that can't be right.
No, Aunt Honey is pretty much down to a Mcnugget.
Aunt Honey: You can.
You can plan and plan, Jules, but you can still lose everything just like that.
Oh, so walk me through it.
How do foreclosures work? Oh, I still can't believe this is happening to me.
What is going on? Jules is her financial advisor.
It sounds like he's giving her advice on being broke.
But no no no, that can't be, can it? I mean-- Well, she's getting her apartment repainted.
Maybe she's doing it so she can sell it before it goes into foreclosure.
No no no, there has to be some other explanation.
I mean, if she was going broke, why would she be doing all this charity work? This is a woman who has devoted countless hours to pworn.
- That is a really bad name.
- Yeah.
( Phone ringing ) Hello.
Pworn party headquarters.
She told me I had to say that when I answered the phone.
No, she's not here right now.
May I please take a message? Oh yeah, sure.
I'll tell her.
That was a collections agency.
They're looking for Aunt Honey.
No way.
I swear on the Kevin James.
How do you think this happened to her? We just had chicken noodle champagne soup.
And we ate it with silver spoons.
I told Liza, "I will handle your portfolio, but that is all I'm handling.
"I am not taking you to the opera.
" Well, I'll give her this-- the woman has a type.
Well Girls, you remember my dear friend and financial advisor Jules Broussard.
- Yes yes yes.
- ( Giggling ) And no.
What-- what-- what-- what's happening up here? Oh, it's uncombable hair syndrome.
I've heard of that.
It's the nation's 12th leading killer of conversation.
Aunt Honey, I have to talk to you about something.
You got a phone call from a collections agency.
Oh, those vultures.
If they call again, just hang up on them.
But they're just gonna call back.
It's a collections agency.
It's not like a no-rush-just-calling- to-say-hi agency.
Georgia, this does not concern you.
But if anything's wrong, maybe I can help.
Thanks, but at this point I don't think there's anything you could do.
Do you also have unmatchable clothes syndrome? Come on, Jules, I want to show you how we're doing with the painting.
This is a disaster.
I know.
You put this in my matching pile.
There has to be something we can do to help Aunt Honey.
Find an old rich guy with a heart problem? Now we're brainstorming.
Yes! Okay.
( Doorbell rings ) - Hi.
- Hi.
I have a package for the apartment upstairs, but no one's answering.
- Okay, I'll sign for it.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Oh, sorry.
- Oh, okay.
That thing's insured for $60,000.
- What? - Yeah.
All right.
$60,000? Is my parents' house in there? It's a vase.
That grants wishes? It just did.
I wished that I could find a way to help Aunt Honey and I found it.
We are going to prevent her from spending money she doesn't have.
- We are? - Yes, we are going to take this back and get the money back for it.
It is up to us to protect her from herself.
Because Aunt Honey is a proud woman, but they do not serve pride at the soup kitchen.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah? I wasn't sure where you were going, - but you really pulled it together in the end.
- You like the exit? Aren't my painters doing a fantastic job with my signature seafoam green? They're doing a fantastic job of painting with their shirts off.
Oh, well, they're not insured or bonded, but they're good to look at.
You know, after you acquire that foreclosed apartment above you, I vote you bring those boys back in again.
Oh, poor Dr.
Hey, like you said, you can plan and plan and still lose everything just like that.
Yes, well, now that you've moved all my money to that bank in Barbados, I can buy his apartment with what I save on taxes.
Oh, you want to see something funny? ( Laughs ) Look.
Look at my last bank statement after you moved everything.
42¢? Oh, that's a scream.
( Both laughing ) May I help you, ladies? Yes, we have a problem with this vase.
That's an exceptional Tang dynasty piece.
What's wrong with it? It clashes with all of our other overpriced crap.
Yes, so we'd like to return it.
- Yeah - Great.
We have a strict no-return policy.
I can offer you a store credit.
Ooh, okay okay.
Do you sell cash? So if we're all done here No no no, we're not done.
See, I happen to know that my Aunt Honey has been one of your best customers for a really long time.
Yes, she has.
And if she wanted to return that vase, I would make an exception for her.
But she doesn't want to.
That's why Jo and I had to sneak it down here.
Oh, so you want me - to give you $60,000 - Preferably in cash.
for an item that you've taken from its rightful owner.
So how do we do this? Is there, like, an ATM, a check? What's going on? - Yeah - Awesome.
Okay, that one was on me.
I am not taking this vase back.
But I will call your Aunt Honey to make sure she knows what's going on down here.
No no no, please don't.
You don't understand, 'cause she's in big trouble.
Uh, that wouldn't happen to be a part of the Ikea dynasty, would it? - Yeah - No.
I finally got one.
Yes! Please tell me this is a horrible nightmare.
I'm afraid not.
They've stopped making your signature seafoam green paint.
I guess it's the end of an era.
Let's go with derby red.
I enjoy colors that remind me of stallions.
Well, I hate to say it, but if we'd only used two coats instead of the six you requested.
I know.
It's all my fault.
I can't believe I wasted all my green.
Couldn't you just have saved a little bit? I guess I'm going to have to sell all of my furniture now that I'll be living in the red.
Oh, everything's gonna change.
Okay, this is good.
This is good.
You're accepting the change.
So what can we do to help? Well, I have to get this apartment ready for the Poor Women's Outreach Resource Network gala.
I thought you were just organizing it.
You're actually hosting the event? Yes.
For some reason I can't find a hotel in this town that'd let me host a pworn event.
Okay, can someone else maybe host it this year? And have people think I dropped out of pworn? That'll be a scandal.
My circumstances may be challenged, but I will spare no expense to make sure this is the greatest gala of the year.
Okay, Aunt Honey, wait.
Wait wait wait.
Why don't you just let Jo and I organize it for you? And we'll be able to have a clear mind on what needs to be done, given your Challenged circumstances thing.
Well, I wasn't looking for a handout, but Those are the numbers of my caterer, my florist and a human statue, who isn't cheap, but he makes me giggle.
( Laughing ) That's funny stuff.
That's funny stuff.
Wait wait wait, what are you doing? What are you doing? What? I am getting rid of these overpriced party people.
We're gonna do it ourselves, Jo, and save Aunt Honey some money.
Okay, do you realize that ripping it up doesn't cancel them? We have to actually give them a call.
Oh man.
All right, okay, I got it.
I got it.
We just need a big bottle of wine and a whole bunch of tape.
Am I to understand that you girls took the reins of this party for us? Hey, giddyup.
How did we do? It's come up lame and I wish I could shoot it.
What are you talking about? We have snacks Yes, that's exactly what you have-- snacks.
Where is the tuna sashimi? It's back in the '90s with your high-top fade.
These days we like tuna surprise.
There's no tuna on this.
Surprise! Where is the string quartet? Stereo.
- The coat check? - Bannister.
The chocolate fountain? A bunch of candy bars on the radiator.
That's disgusting.
It's actually the best thing here.
Can't be worse than your Chinese vodka which is burning a hole through my paper cup and my fingers.
Okay, phase one-- save honey money.
We threw this party for $74.
I'd say that's a check-off.
And now phase two-- make honey money.
Are you sure that we should be trying to sell off all of her furniture? Well, the bank's gonna take it all anyway.
We might as well try to get some money first, right? Oh, look, there's a possible client by the sofa.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- ( Both giggle ) - Good party.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, did you try the chocolate fountain yet? You should get in there before it slides down the wall.
( Laughs ) This is a nice sofa.
Yes, it's lovely.
It is lovely, isn't it? Do you want to buy it? - Excuse me? - Yeah, I mean, this is part of our fundraising efforts.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
I can just see you chilling on this couch with your man or your woman, whatever you do.
Right here, right here, right? Touch it.
Eh? Make me an offer.
Thanks, but I really don't need it.
Wow, what a beautiful couch.
If it were for sale, I would pay at least $1400-- $1800 for it.
Oh, I am sorry, stranger with exquisite taste, but my classy lady friend here has already got her eye on it.
So I'm sorry.
Looks like $1800 is the price to beat.
- I'll give you $2000.
- Deal.
How are you doing on lamps? Clink clink clink.
Presenting your hostess for the evening, Miss Honey Dupree.
( Applause ) Ah.
Oh, thank you.
What is this flimsy material my drink is in? What is this flimsy party my guests are in? Aunt Honey, we're trying to help you.
All you had to do was call the numbers.
Yeah, but do you know how expensive they are? Yes, and so do my guests.
- That's the point.
- But-- You didn't even get my human statue? Oh.
Jules, I'm ready for my speech.
Clink clink clink.
We are all here tonight for one reason-- we love pworn.
No one loves pworn more than I do.
That is why for every dollar pledged tonight I will donate three.
( Crowd exclaiming, applauding ) Jules Oh, I cannot wait to write a massive amount on this massive check.
Phase three? Intervention.
- Aunt Honey.
- Yes, dear? So I didn't think I was gonna have to say this to you for, like, another 25 years, but I'm pulling the plug on you.
Hi, everyone.
To most of you poverty is something you zoom past in your expensive cars or you fly over in your little helicopter, but poverty is closer than you might think.
It is actually in this very apartment.
And her name is Aunt Honey.
( Crowd gasps ) Her name is what? That's right.
That's right.
Aunt Honey is broke.
( Crowd murmuring ) This is all a lie.
And she's gonna have to stop living this lie.
Clink clink.
Aunt Honey, you have a problem.
And that is why we are going to rip up this check.
( Grunts ) Whoo! It's a two-person job.
- So why don't you just help me out, Jo? - Should I go this way? Everybody, everybody, hello! Do you want me to clink again? That's all right, dear.
I have this.
( Crowd gasps ) Now if I were broke, would I do that, huh? Sorry for the confusion - and your leg - It's all right.
but I assure you I am as wealthy as I ever was.
But I do have a problem.
Actually I have two of them.
And they are both living for free in my apartment.
Just get get get.
( String quartet playing ) ( Crash ) ( Car alarm blaring ) Oh, stop pretending.
I know you saw us.
Everything my young wards and I have done tonight has been-- oh, let's call it performance art.
Why? Why? To prove a point that anybody can fall into poverty.
Now that we've taught you this valuable lesson, I want you to give generously, as though those in need were your own struggling mothers, daughters or nieces and their crazy friends.
Give everything you have to pworn.
Seriously, we have got to find a new name for this Charity.
Wouldn't it be easier if you just got a cleaning crew? It would, but I thought you were teaching me about how to live on a budget.
Well, since we helped you raise the most money the charity has ever received, can we call it even? Even? You cost me a sofa, a chair and 60 grand in a broken vase.
It did mean a lot to me though, the way you girls tried to look out for me in the dumbest way possible.
Oh, that's like a hug with words.
And I promise if I really ever get into a jam, I will always be straight with you about it.
Okay, well, there is something that we don't get.
Okay, so we get the foreclosure and we understand the paint and the bank statements, but what is up with the collection agency? Let me guess-- it was your collection agency? Someone owes you money? Oh, no, they were looking for me.
I've been getting the Smithsonian magazine for the past 12 years, and I don't care how many times they call me-- I did not sign up for it.
- Why don't you just cancel it? - I like it.
Then pay for it.
Whose side are you on? Next you'll be asking me to pay for my cable too.
Oh, you girls-- You don't know nothing about being rich.