State of the Union (2019) s02e09 Episode Script
Kopi Luwak
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
- My friend.
- Mm.
Look at that.
Same old.
Same old.
The specials come in every week.
You're here every day now.
Someone once told me there's a coffee you can buy, made of poop.
I know what you're thinking of.
It's not coffee made of poop.
It's coffee made from coffee.
Okay, well, my information was very wrong indeed.
No.
No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking of.
There's this coffee called Kopi Luwak.
which is made from coffee cherries that have been through the intestines of a civet.
Fuck off, Jay.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'll have the Kenyan peaberry.
It's true.
I'll have a stick of gender detecting gum.
You think I just made up the name "kopi luwak?" Yes.
You didn't even really bother trying to make it convincing.
Kopi wak-wak.
Luwak.
Through the bowels of the civet.
Yep.
Look it up.
No, because then you'll just say, "My God, he actually tried to look it up.
" I'll look it up.
You have to show me.
Can't just say, "Oh, yeah.
There it is", and put your phone back in your pocket.
That is literally why I'm looking it up, to show you.
Jesus Christ.
And we wonder why we have viruses.
A cup of that will cost you 40 bucks or so.
- For real.
- JAY: For real.
Oh.
I'd buy it, if you sold it.
Why? I like you, Jay.
I want to help the business.
That will cost me, like, 30 dollars per cup.
You wouldn't be helping me.
So, charge 50.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are the only customer I have who has 50 bucks to spend on a cup of coffee.
Well, they have the 50 bucks.
They just don't want anyone to know they have it.
That's your demographic.
Too many liberals, feminists, vegans, cyclists, the wrong kind of gay.
Please tell me what the right kind of gay is.
SCOTT: The ones who like to spend a ton of money looking good and living it up.
You think that kind of gay wants to spend 50 bucks on civet poop? That doesn't make them look good.
You literally just told me that it's coffee, not poop.
I was trying to use shorthand for comic purposes.
And before I get myself into hot water, I wasn't talking about you.
You look good, but I know you don't spend a lot of money on looking good.
I don't have a lot of money.
And by the way, I'm not gay.
What? What the hell are you, then? I'm an ace.
A what now? Asexual.
That's not a thing.
Oh, my God.
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to Humphrey Bogart or someone.
Well, I'm sure there are asexual worms, but there aren't any asexual people.
Then how come I'm an ace? - You're not.
- I am.
I have no desire for sex.
Only romantic, platonic relationships.
Ah, good luck with that, pal.
Hey, it works for me.
You have no desire for sex? My libido's almost zero.
Wow.
And you can just tell people that without any sense of embarrassment? I don't care.
I'm an ace.
See? No one cares.
It's like saying I'm a part of a particular blood group.
The rest is just bullshit.
Yeah, that's a way forward for me.
- What is? - Jay's an ace.
Yeah, I know.
You think that's a way forward for you? - Is that what you're saying? - What do you think? [JAY LAUGHS.]
I'm not sure that's you.
JAY: Neither Neither am I.
Hey, wait, are either of you saying that in an insulting way? I'm neutral.
I don't care.
I'm kind of mixed.
Mixed? JAY: Maybe you two should go sit down and talk.
- Coffee, please, - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
You're kind of mixed? That I'm not asexual? Today of all days? Last night was great.
Thank you.
Well, not so great that you don't wish I was an ace.
I don't wish you're an ace.
I'm just saying that you're You're untrammeled heterosexuality is a blessing and a curse.
[EXHALES.]
Because of the old days.
Not just.
What the hell else is wrong with it.
And why are you saying there's anything wrong with it when we had great sex last night? You know that great sex isn't the answer to much, right? Really? Great sex is often the answer to problems between men and women.
That's what makes it great.
Did you have great sex in the old days? The New York apartment days? What does that even mean? "Great sex.
" ELLEN: Exactly the same as it meant 30 seconds ago, when you said it was the answer to everything.
I didn't have any problems with those women.
But you did have great sex.
Uh, I didn't have problem-solving sex.
Meaning it wasn't great? Yes.
Yes, actually.
Meaning it wasn't great.
This is bullshit, right? It was less than.
Less than? Because there were no problems.
No problems to solve.
And that isn't as good.
This theory of sex you've had for how long? I'm not claiming to have had it for a long time.
You're just making me realize something that is true.
No, it's true because you want it to be true for these five minutes, while you try desperately to think of some reason why having sex with your 61-year- old wife of 30 years is better than the sex you used to have with a procession of young women.
I don't even know why you're doing it.
Because I want the sex we had last night to mean something.
So, shoot me.
Okay, let's say last night was problem solving sex.
Which it was.
And you believe the problem is now solved? I mean, you tell me.
- Oh, my God.
- What? You genuinely believe it might be? Well, no, obviously not.
Let's say, though, that it is.
Well, that would be insane.
I'm speaking now purely hypothetically.
If problem-solving sex is better than normal sex and the problem is now solved I see where you're going with this.
Why would either of us want less-than sex from now on? We have a lot of problems.
Mm.
Okay, look I don't know.
Sex is sex.
I guess, is the point.
We've had it often and it never solved any problems.
And we've had many.
You will have sex again.
Almost certainly with someone younger than me because men always end up with someone younger than them.
And it won't solve any problems then either.
The only problem sex solves is the problem of not having sex.
I don't agree.
But why do we keep coming around to the same thing? Why do you want to solve the problems? We were always different.
And then we became more different with each passing year, and these last few years the differences have become more and more pronounced, and now you're way over there and I'm over here, and it It happens.
It doesn't mean either of us is a bad person.
I'm just not a divorce guy.
ELLEN: Well, I wouldn't describe myself as a divorced gal, but I have no problem with the idea.
We did well to get to this point.
Let's not push our luck.
What would happen if we pushed our luck? Unhappiness.
Maybe violence and murder.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't believe that.
The Quakers don't believe that.
That's why I went to the Quakers.
SCOTT: Oh, come on.
I was having dark thoughts.
- Stop.
- ELLEN: Scott.
I'm not joking.
You seriously wanted to murder me? No.
No, of course not.
I just wanted you to die.
Oh.
Hell.
Nothing long and painful.
A massive heart attack.
A car crash that killed you instantly.
Wow.
But, of course, I didn't really want you dead.
I wanted to take a lazy way out.
That's the lazy way out? Glad you didn't go for the energetic one.
Oh, and, by the way, I've heard anecdotally that car crashes can be painful.
I didn't want to do this.
Come here and tell you that I don't want to be married to you anymore.
It's been awful.
I honestly thought it would be something I could turn around.
ELLEN: I'm sorry.
I mean, I've been listening.
ELLEN: I know.
But I was listening in order to rebut.
Now I'm listening.
Yeah, I hear you.
I know I can't turn you around.
Oh, shit.
What? ELLEN: I don't know.
I was kind of okay with everything because there was some resistance, you were propping me up, kind of And now the resistance has collapsed.
And? And I feel a bit sick Maybe I should keep resisting [CHUCKLES.]
It's too tiring.
I was kind of joking.
[SNIFFLES.]
We should go.
What do you want to talk about today? Gotta be dark thoughts, right? Dark thoughts and how to avoid them.
You know, I'm already seeing ways of how the car crash could become a near miss.
SCOTT: Oh.
Great.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
- My friend.
- Mm.
Look at that.
Same old.
Same old.
The specials come in every week.
You're here every day now.
Someone once told me there's a coffee you can buy, made of poop.
I know what you're thinking of.
It's not coffee made of poop.
It's coffee made from coffee.
Okay, well, my information was very wrong indeed.
No.
No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking of.
There's this coffee called Kopi Luwak.
which is made from coffee cherries that have been through the intestines of a civet.
Fuck off, Jay.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'll have the Kenyan peaberry.
It's true.
I'll have a stick of gender detecting gum.
You think I just made up the name "kopi luwak?" Yes.
You didn't even really bother trying to make it convincing.
Kopi wak-wak.
Luwak.
Through the bowels of the civet.
Yep.
Look it up.
No, because then you'll just say, "My God, he actually tried to look it up.
" I'll look it up.
You have to show me.
Can't just say, "Oh, yeah.
There it is", and put your phone back in your pocket.
That is literally why I'm looking it up, to show you.
Jesus Christ.
And we wonder why we have viruses.
A cup of that will cost you 40 bucks or so.
- For real.
- JAY: For real.
Oh.
I'd buy it, if you sold it.
Why? I like you, Jay.
I want to help the business.
That will cost me, like, 30 dollars per cup.
You wouldn't be helping me.
So, charge 50.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are the only customer I have who has 50 bucks to spend on a cup of coffee.
Well, they have the 50 bucks.
They just don't want anyone to know they have it.
That's your demographic.
Too many liberals, feminists, vegans, cyclists, the wrong kind of gay.
Please tell me what the right kind of gay is.
SCOTT: The ones who like to spend a ton of money looking good and living it up.
You think that kind of gay wants to spend 50 bucks on civet poop? That doesn't make them look good.
You literally just told me that it's coffee, not poop.
I was trying to use shorthand for comic purposes.
And before I get myself into hot water, I wasn't talking about you.
You look good, but I know you don't spend a lot of money on looking good.
I don't have a lot of money.
And by the way, I'm not gay.
What? What the hell are you, then? I'm an ace.
A what now? Asexual.
That's not a thing.
Oh, my God.
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to Humphrey Bogart or someone.
Well, I'm sure there are asexual worms, but there aren't any asexual people.
Then how come I'm an ace? - You're not.
- I am.
I have no desire for sex.
Only romantic, platonic relationships.
Ah, good luck with that, pal.
Hey, it works for me.
You have no desire for sex? My libido's almost zero.
Wow.
And you can just tell people that without any sense of embarrassment? I don't care.
I'm an ace.
See? No one cares.
It's like saying I'm a part of a particular blood group.
The rest is just bullshit.
Yeah, that's a way forward for me.
- What is? - Jay's an ace.
Yeah, I know.
You think that's a way forward for you? - Is that what you're saying? - What do you think? [JAY LAUGHS.]
I'm not sure that's you.
JAY: Neither Neither am I.
Hey, wait, are either of you saying that in an insulting way? I'm neutral.
I don't care.
I'm kind of mixed.
Mixed? JAY: Maybe you two should go sit down and talk.
- Coffee, please, - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
You're kind of mixed? That I'm not asexual? Today of all days? Last night was great.
Thank you.
Well, not so great that you don't wish I was an ace.
I don't wish you're an ace.
I'm just saying that you're You're untrammeled heterosexuality is a blessing and a curse.
[EXHALES.]
Because of the old days.
Not just.
What the hell else is wrong with it.
And why are you saying there's anything wrong with it when we had great sex last night? You know that great sex isn't the answer to much, right? Really? Great sex is often the answer to problems between men and women.
That's what makes it great.
Did you have great sex in the old days? The New York apartment days? What does that even mean? "Great sex.
" ELLEN: Exactly the same as it meant 30 seconds ago, when you said it was the answer to everything.
I didn't have any problems with those women.
But you did have great sex.
Uh, I didn't have problem-solving sex.
Meaning it wasn't great? Yes.
Yes, actually.
Meaning it wasn't great.
This is bullshit, right? It was less than.
Less than? Because there were no problems.
No problems to solve.
And that isn't as good.
This theory of sex you've had for how long? I'm not claiming to have had it for a long time.
You're just making me realize something that is true.
No, it's true because you want it to be true for these five minutes, while you try desperately to think of some reason why having sex with your 61-year- old wife of 30 years is better than the sex you used to have with a procession of young women.
I don't even know why you're doing it.
Because I want the sex we had last night to mean something.
So, shoot me.
Okay, let's say last night was problem solving sex.
Which it was.
And you believe the problem is now solved? I mean, you tell me.
- Oh, my God.
- What? You genuinely believe it might be? Well, no, obviously not.
Let's say, though, that it is.
Well, that would be insane.
I'm speaking now purely hypothetically.
If problem-solving sex is better than normal sex and the problem is now solved I see where you're going with this.
Why would either of us want less-than sex from now on? We have a lot of problems.
Mm.
Okay, look I don't know.
Sex is sex.
I guess, is the point.
We've had it often and it never solved any problems.
And we've had many.
You will have sex again.
Almost certainly with someone younger than me because men always end up with someone younger than them.
And it won't solve any problems then either.
The only problem sex solves is the problem of not having sex.
I don't agree.
But why do we keep coming around to the same thing? Why do you want to solve the problems? We were always different.
And then we became more different with each passing year, and these last few years the differences have become more and more pronounced, and now you're way over there and I'm over here, and it It happens.
It doesn't mean either of us is a bad person.
I'm just not a divorce guy.
ELLEN: Well, I wouldn't describe myself as a divorced gal, but I have no problem with the idea.
We did well to get to this point.
Let's not push our luck.
What would happen if we pushed our luck? Unhappiness.
Maybe violence and murder.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't believe that.
The Quakers don't believe that.
That's why I went to the Quakers.
SCOTT: Oh, come on.
I was having dark thoughts.
- Stop.
- ELLEN: Scott.
I'm not joking.
You seriously wanted to murder me? No.
No, of course not.
I just wanted you to die.
Oh.
Hell.
Nothing long and painful.
A massive heart attack.
A car crash that killed you instantly.
Wow.
But, of course, I didn't really want you dead.
I wanted to take a lazy way out.
That's the lazy way out? Glad you didn't go for the energetic one.
Oh, and, by the way, I've heard anecdotally that car crashes can be painful.
I didn't want to do this.
Come here and tell you that I don't want to be married to you anymore.
It's been awful.
I honestly thought it would be something I could turn around.
ELLEN: I'm sorry.
I mean, I've been listening.
ELLEN: I know.
But I was listening in order to rebut.
Now I'm listening.
Yeah, I hear you.
I know I can't turn you around.
Oh, shit.
What? ELLEN: I don't know.
I was kind of okay with everything because there was some resistance, you were propping me up, kind of And now the resistance has collapsed.
And? And I feel a bit sick Maybe I should keep resisting [CHUCKLES.]
It's too tiring.
I was kind of joking.
[SNIFFLES.]
We should go.
What do you want to talk about today? Gotta be dark thoughts, right? Dark thoughts and how to avoid them.
You know, I'm already seeing ways of how the car crash could become a near miss.
SCOTT: Oh.
Great.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]