Stuck in the Middle (2016) s03e17 Episode Script

Stuck in Diaz Court

1 How? Why? Who? Family meeting! Despite our warnings, once again, one of you damaged the car.
Why do you assume it was one of us? [Tom] The broken antenna.
[Georgie] Sorry! [Suzy] Bologna in the CD player.
- Really? - [Ethan] Sorry! [Tom] And let's not forget What the? - the tire swing.
- [Lewie & Beast] Sorry! Yeah, it was totally one of us.
That car does not need any help from you kids.
It's very capable of falling apart on its own.
Yeah, just ask our mechanic.
It already paid for his cruise to Alaska.
Whoever did this will be on lockdown for a month and will work off the repair bill doing chores.
Lockdown's never good, but vacation's about to start.
That means whoever did this won't even get to escape to school.
Yes, I said, "escape to school.
" The fact that school is better than lockdown says everything you need to know about how bad this is.
When I got back from the store this morning, the car was fine.
So where's everyone been since then? I was busy doing a creative project.
I'm so glad you asked to learn to knit.
It's wonderful for children.
Very calming.
Your gloves don't have any fingers.
That's because they're handcuffs.
Beast and I were also doing a creative project.
[laughs] Popcorn pillow.
Oh! That's why my hair smells like butter.
And why we're out of all the popcorn I just bought.
I didn't do it.
I was, uh in the kitchen eating mango.
I remember, because I was using the good fork.
- You were with me.
- Oh, phew.
I don't know where that "good fork" story was going.
And then there were two.
Don't look at me.
I was up in the attic playing roll-ball.
Got anyone to back up that story? No, I was by myself.
Congratulations, you're suspect number one.
Well, I'm off the hook.
I was in my room working on a new invention.
- Was anyone with you? - No.
Working with other people there is basically me just going, "Quiet, please.
" "Quiet.
" "Be quiet or I'll tear your face off!" I can vouch for that part.
Looks like we have two suspects.
Which one of you did it? Fess up.
[clears throat] [clears throat] [both clearing throat] Guys, everyone else has an alibi.
Someone has to own up to this.
Don't make us punish you both.
Harley, Ethan, you two are headed to Diaz Court.
[both] What? Really? Are we doing this? I guess we're doing this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are out of control Like you're living in a circus Trying to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kind of perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the game begin, let's jump right in I want to get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I want to get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado Rowing in the same boat I want to get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I want to get stuck with you Whenever there's a disagreement with no way to prove who's right or wrong, we go to Diaz Court.
I didn't do this, so Ethan must have.
I'm going to help him backpedal his way out of this one so we can avoid this trial.
Why are you walking like that? Because I'm here to help.
Now listen, we both know sometimes people make mistakes and don't admit it right away.
Then it's hard to go back.
But that's what a BFTFs are for, to help you out when you're in a jam.
I appreciate your confession.
What can I do to help? My confession? I didn't do this.
You did.
[laughs] I can see you're new at this.
So why don't you moonwalk on out, come back in and try re-confessing? That was a backpedal.
Which you should start doing, since we all know you like to go in the car, roll up the windows and use it as a recording studio.
You probably knocked the car out of gear.
Except I wasn't in the car.
And we all know you use it to video-chat with Aidan because it's the best place to boost Ms.
Peters' Wi-Fi.
But not today.
Come on, Ethan, we both know there's only one way to avoid going to Diaz Court.
So [clears throat] [clears throat] [clears throat] [clears throat] [both clearing throat] Justice is about to be served in the case of "Who Crashed the Car.
" [Harley] In Diaz court, each kid is randomly assigned a role using the Role-R Cage.
Mom and Dad are always the jury.
Did you or did you not state you were, quote, "peckish" for a sweet treat on a stick? Yeah, I I-I did say that.
But I didn't eat the pop.
Or maybe I did.
You make a very good case.
[Harley] The crucial decisions rest with them.
So have you made up your mind? I'm leaning toward the Thai place.
The first decision being what lunch to order for themselves in the jury room.
Thai The judge will be Georgie.
Oh, no, please, I hate making decisions.
You know what? I just remembered, I drove the car into the garage.
- Case closed.
- Nice try.
Go get the powdered wig.
And the court reporter is - Daphne.
- Oh, come on.
All the court reporter does is write down what other people say.
I'm the only one in the family that says stuff that should be remembered.
And the lawyer for Ethan is Lewie.
Yes! Lewie's the best.
He's undefeated.
From now on, you say nothing before running it by me.
I guess that means Harley's lawyer is [Harley] Did I mention Beast is the losing-est lawyer in the family? You're in good hands.
Well, you will be as soon as I unglue these three fingers.
[hip-hop music playing] Court reporter in the house! For the record, that is not how the court reporter enters the room.
Please write that down once you finish dancing.
[turns music off] My lawyer said he would be here.
Where were you? Preparing my opening statement.
I've laid out a six-part defense.
I go into motive, bias, and other words I looked up on the Internet.
I'm impressed.
Time for opening statements in the matter of BFTF v BFTF.
Shouldn't it be "B-F-I-T-F?" I mean, it's Best Friend in the Family you know, never mind.
Here we go.
- [whirring and grinding] - My notes! A court reporter doesn't get to use a shredder.
You don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to do yours.
Now what? Guess I'll just have to wing it like I did with my other clients.
Uh, this doesn't look so good for Oh, come on! Give me a chance.
As we begin this trial, I would ask the jurors to direct their attention to the TV.
Baby Ethan.
And his first word? "Love.
" [both gasp] You didn't say anything about the case.
And my first word was "shoe.
" The case? What does that have to do with anything? I play the emotion.
And now the opening statement for Harley.
"Justice penalty the jury my sisters Ethan ladies and gentleman hello.
" These are in the wrong order! Judge, may I have time to re-tape? Objection! We already wasted half an hour watching him piece together that word vomit.
Guys, pick a number between 1 and 12.
- Two.
- Eight.
Lewie is closest.
You can't decide things by rolling dice.
This is a courtroom, not a casino.
It's a living room, and you know Judge Georgie gets flustered easily.
The only decision I can make is I'm not coming home until Diaz court is over.
It's a powdered wig.
Get over it.
My ruling is final.
You don't need all those notes.
Just say the big ideas.
One person here will be found guilty.
The other, not guilty.
Thank you.
[Lewie] So you claim you could not have damaged the car because you were elsewhere at the time of the incident.
Where were you? The attic.
The attic.
Playing roll-ball, no doubt.
And did you set a high score that would prove you were in the attic at the time? Uh, no.
And why not? And remember, you're under oath.
I'm not very good.
[Lewie] What was that? I'm bad at roll-ball, okay? The only win I've ever had was against Deathne.
Yes! Ha! Sad.
The man can only beat a doll.
I think it's fair to say he's so bad at roll-ball terrible, really that it's plausible he spent hours in the attic practicing with nothing to show for it, because he's terrible.
They get it.
I remember hearing someone stomping around up there yesterday.
I guess, based on alibis, it had to be Ethan.
You're the judge, not a witness.
Look at their faces.
That's a solid alibi.
Even I'm starting to think he didn't do it.
Me too.
Wish he was my client.
So at the time of the crash, you were working on this shoe-dirt knocker-off-er? Yes, and it's called the Mat-o-Matic.
It's a special doormat to clean your shoes before you go in the house.
Objection! Boring! It'll help the whole family.
Help the whole family.
Is that something a criminal would say? Objection! Kissing up to the jury.
[dice rattle] - Four! - Five! Six.
Yes! I win! [pants ripping] That's it? I partied so hard I blew out my pants.
Not sure what more you want.
Don't you want to mention how yesterday was the only day I could've worked on the invention, which proves my alibi? Sure, let's hear more about that.
[sighs] I had to be working on my invention, because I hadn't even received the most important part until that morning.
And I can prove it.
Yes, I signed for your package yesterday.
House bursting at the seams with children, yet never anyone to sign for a delivery.
Anyway, yes, Harley picked up the package around 10:00 a.
I told her I was always happy to help a young inventor.
And just so you know, my purpose in life isn't to serve as a "storage" center for your mail order doodads.
So my client could not have picked up the part at 10:00, crashed the car and still had time to complete her invention.
Yeah! Uh-huh.
[bangs gavel Cease and desist on the victory dance.
I'm seeing a little too much tush back here.
[sighs] Yes, way too much.
That's a lovely brooch you have, Miss Peters.
Thank you.
Tell me, were you wearing it at the time you committed mail fraud? Excuse me? In order for you to know what was in that package, you would've had to open it.
[Bethany] I would never.
It's against the law to open someone else's mail.
Oh, dear.
Then I guess you can't say for sure Harley's invention part was in that package.
And therefore, you can't say Harley was working on her invention.
Maybe she was working on something else.
Like, say, video chatting with your nephew and smashing the car into the garage? It's making me uncomfortable how much Harley's losing.
We need to take a break.
Looks like Lewie's winning streak isn't going to be ending anytime soon.
It's pretty clear you didn't do it.
And I know you didn't do it either.
When you're lying, you throw your hands up and walk away.
And you didn't do that.
You know me.
But the trial's not going my way, so I'm just going to plead guilty.
What? No.
Maybe we can get Lewie to pin it on Rachel.
She's an ocean away, but he's good.
One of us has to take the blame.
There's no point in both of us going to lockdown.
I'll be your character witness, so Mom and Dad go easy on you.
And they probably will.
After all, my first word was "love.
" It was "shoe.
" Wow, we do know each other.
Court is back in session.
Also, be advised I'm moving from dice to One Potato, Two Potato.
No need.
I'm going to end this thing.
[Beast] Wait! I'd like to call a surprise witness.
I object.
That's our Peeby and Jay car.
Plus, Harley's already had a surprise witness.
Daphne's been on the razor's edge of a tantrum all day.
I'm not telling her "no.
" [scoffs] I call to the stand Captain Sasha Phluff.
Ethan says he was in the attic, but we all know he records his music in the car.
According to the time stamp, a song was uploaded to our cloud yesterday, and then deleted right after our family meeting.
So, Ethan was in the car.
And he tried to cover it up! You did it, and you were going to let me take the blame? I-I uh I can't believe it.
Turns out the "B" in BFTF stands for "betrayal.
" It's not how it looks.
Really? Because it looks like you lied to my face.
And worse, you were going to let me take the punishment.
Luckily, Phluff was on the case.
And she's one heck of a cop.
I swear, I didn't do it.
Then play the song.
Show us you're not hiding something.
I can't.
And I want to believe you, but I can't.
Harley, look, it's Save it for the stand.
You're my next witness.
[sighs] I swear, I can do this.
I changed my pants and everything.
I'm sorry.
But if this goes my way, you can still do the victory dance.
Shouldn't Beast be asking questions? The judge is using a meat tenderizer and rolling dice.
I think the ship has sailed on protocol.
If there's one thing I know about Ethan Diaz, it's that he never deletes a song for good.
No matter how many times we ask him to.
So, I ask that the witness let us hear that recording.
I can't.
Because he knows it also contains the sound of the car smashing into the garage.
I think we all know who's lying here today.
[sighs] I rest my case.
The end.
Hey, that was the end, right? Now it's up to the jury.
Hopefully Mom and Dad see through Ethan's fake story faster than I did.
I'm just sorry I couldn't help you more.
Hey, you did your best.
You put on a suit and blew out the pants.
But no one wants me as their lawyer.
Everyone wants Lewie.
That's not true.
He's the one who always wins.
He has the fancy words, the glasses.
He even beat me at being born.
Just once, I wanted to save the day.
You can't without proof.
And we had none.
Yeah, it's weird Ethan would delete a file when the cloud gets backed up to Dad's laptop.
What? It does? Yeah, Rachel set it up after I erased her fashion vlogs by mistake.
That came out fast.
That means the file Ethan deleted is still on Dad's laptop.
If I find it, I'll have the evidence I need to crack this case wide open.
Beast, you did save the day.
Without even meaning to.
Nice! I'll take you as my lawyer anytime.
Thanks, but I'd rather be court reporter, now that I know they get to shred stuff.
[laughs] Look what I got.
And it's all ours.
I had the delivery guy meet me at Bethany's.
I was afraid the kids would smell the egg rolls.
I hope another kid does something wrong soon.
There's an Indian place that just opened.
- Ooh.
- [cell phone rings] Hello? Oh.
You're kidding me.
Ooh, that changes everything.
All right, thanks for letting me know.
We have our verdict.
I didn't even get to open my chopsticks.
Yes! That's what I'm looking for.
Ethan, you are so going down.
Ugh, how many times am I going to mess this up? All right, video invite to Harley's quince, take nine.
[camera whirring] Hey, guys.
E-man here with a message about my best friend.
Special rapping invite Coming your way We're doing it for Harley For her quinceañera day Oh, no.
This is what he didn't want me to hear.
[Daphne] Great, you're back.
Let's end this and eat the Chinese food Dad snuck in.
Phluff misses nothing.
Where's Harley? I'm guilty.
It was me.
Punish me.
What are you talking about? Super shocking plea coming your way.
E-man didn't do it.
That's all I got to say.
You found the song.
Not sure what this is, but we reached a different verdict.
Uh I got a call from our mechanic.
It turns out the car has a faulty transmission.
It can slip out of gear for almost no reason.
[Suzy] That must be why it rolled into the garage.
No one did it this time.
So, sorry for suspecting you this time.
[sighs] "Sorry" was a little buried in there.
But thanks.
I just want to take off this itchy wig.
Case closed! [all cheer] [Harley] In the case of BFTF v BFTF, the Diaz family court concludes a mistrial.
[Ethan on computer] Special rapping invite coming your way We're doing it for Harley For her quinceañera day It's gonna be dope It's gonna be lit It's for her 15th birthday Which is gonna be a hit She's a schemin', dreamin' Invention-makin' wiz Never failed her family Never failed a quiz Always working hard Keeping us together That's why we celebrate Regardless of the weather West 18th, y'all.
Details in the e-mail below.
E-Man out.
[all cheer] That was so good! [Harley] Life is tricky.
It's not always easy to know who's on your side.
But even when there's reasonable doubt, there are some people you should always believe in.