Stuck in the Middle (2016) s03e18 Episode Script

Stuck in Dad's Birthday

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC] [ALL] Happy birthday! [HORN BLARES] Birthday breakfast burrito.
- Your favorite.
- Ho ho ho.
And special birthday-blend coffee.
I even put in some of that blueberry sweetener you pretend not to like.
- [CHUCKLES] - And the mug is clean - ish.
- Wow.
Thanks, guys.
You didn't have to go to all this trouble.
We really did.
It's time you get the birthday celebration you deserve.
What do you mean? You guys always give me a good birthday.
Drop the act, Dad.
We all know you're the last one in a month full of Diaz birthdays.
[HARLEY] By the time we get to yours We're out of coffee.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
[GASPS] It's your birthday! [SIGHS] You deserve more than hand-me-down coffee.
Seeing Aidan bond with his dad made us remember how lucky we are.
That's why today is all about appreciating you.
A re-appreciation, if you will.
And You have all day to relax.
And to show you we mean that, Lewie and Beast are at camp.
You do love me.
Plus, Mom and I are heading down to the Bait and Bite to take care of all the essentials and put up a sign that says the store is closed for the day.
That way you can just sit around and do nothing.
I find the couch is nice this time of year.
And don't worry about dinner.
We've got it covered.
BunBurger, like always.
Dad, you're not getting it.
Mom and Ethan have something a little more exciting planned.
Right? Uh, sure.
Yes.
We're doing a big surprise dinner that is definitely not BunBurger.
Yeah, but it's a huge surprise for us all.
And because relaxing is most fun when other people are working, the girls present our gift.
The wheel of mañana.
All the things you say you'll get to mañana.
Everything you've been avoiding.
The worst of the worst.
Give it a spin and whatever it lands on, it'll become our nightmare.
Happy birthday.
Hey, Harls, I think you might need a new protractor.
These look like they're different sizes.
Oh, really? Oh, my mistake.
Not a mistake.
I made the hard ones thinner on purpose, so the probability of landing on the most hated chores is a little less probable.
I knew there was a reason I took AP Statistics.
Ooh! Knock down the spiderwebs in the crawl space! Catch the mouse that lives in the mailbox? I don't know which one to root for.
Come on, replace fire alarm batteries.
[DAPHNE] Clean out the garage? [HARLEY CHUCKLES] Next time something needs to be rigged, leave it up to me.
That's fair.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are out of control Like you're living in a circus Oh-oh, oh-oh Trying to figure out Your way in the world Oh-oh, oh-oh Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing Don't stop Let the games begin Let's jump right in I want to get stuck with you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh In the middle of the party We're just getting started I want to get Stuck with you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh In the eye of the tornado Rowing in the same boat I want to get Stuck with you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Get stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I want to get stuck with you Ugh.
Look at this garage.
There's a basketball being held up by a spiderweb.
When's the last time the garage was cleaned? Ugh! And more importantly, how big is that spider? You don't get a garage to keep it tidy.
You get it to cram junk in.
[CHUCKLES] Well, then top-notch work.
Are we keeping this ugly radio? [TOM] That ugly radio is our old answering machine Kinda like voicemail 1.
0.
Oh, great.
I'll strip it for parts and then put it in the recycling pile.
Hey, fresh pile.
Yay! No, hold up, hold up.
This little treasure is for the keep pile.
There's a reason I held on to this all these years.
[SUZY] Tom, remember how number four's due date was supposed to be next week? Surprise! The cashier from Mega Mart is driving me to the hospital, so get down here.
Maybe ask our new neighbor, Bethany, if she'll watch the kids.
She seems nice.
And two days later, we came home with number four.
That's so cool.
And thanks for going with "Harley" instead of "Number Four," by the way.
And thanks for not calling me "Number Two.
" [ALL CHUCKLE] [GEORGIE] Oh, wait.
The light's blinking.
Looks like there's another message on there.
[CHAZ] Tom Diaz, this is Chaz the Mic Man from 102.
2.
You, my friend, are the lucky winner of the Crimson Coupe from the hit TV show, Crimson Justice.
Call us back by 6:00 tonight, and this baby's all yours.
[SOUNDBOARD] 1-0, 1-0, 102 I can't believe it.
With all the excitement of Harley's birth, I never heard that.
I didn't even know I won that contest.
What is a Crimson Justice? Only the greatest show in the history of television.
It was about Mike Justice, a play-by-his-own-rules detective who fought crime with his partner A talking car.
People even said that I look like the lead.
[GEORGIE] I don't see it.
Well, now I know how I'm spending my relaxing day.
Ahh, imagine that.
Me behind the wheel of the Crimson Coupe.
[SIGHS] Would've been a dream come true.
Eh.
Wow, nice job being born on the wrong day, Harley.
Way to wreck Dad's dreams.
I didn't A person can't choose Well, Mom wasn't doing me any favors.
What was she doing walking around Mega Mart that pregnant? I'm trying to storm out.
Just give me a minute.
I checked the coolers, checked the breakers, and bumped all bait deliveries to tomorrow.
Dad's day of absolutely nothing is a go, unless we want to give the place - a quick courtesy mop.
- It's his birthday.
He wasn't elected president.
[SIGHS] Now to figure out dinner, thanks to Harley.
Why does she always have to overachieve? I could not agree more.
This guy right here, C-minus in Biology.
You're welcome.
How about we raid the lobster tanks in the back? - We could boil him up a feast.
- Dad'll love that.
We'll cook his favorite side dishes, unpack the fancy table settings, even get some of those cute, little lobster bibs.
I was just thinking about heating up the water, but sure, yeah, we can do all that, too.
[GEORGIE] Sweet! The Robo-Roper's gonna help us clean.
Better.
The Robo-Roper's going to make it look like we're cleaning while we find Dad's ultimate gift The Crimson Coupe.
Hmm, I'm sensing a scheme unfolding.
Please let it be a good one.
Sure, cleaning the garage is a suitable gift, but tracking down the Crimson Coupe so Dad could drive it would give him the best birthday ever.
[ROBO-ROPER WHIRRING] [HARLEY] We'll just close the garage door, and it'll sound like we're cleaning up a storm.
Question, dream-wrecker.
What if Dad did something unexpected like get off the couch and open the garage door? That's where you come in.
Never let Dad out of your sight.
Make him your new Deathne.
Just don't cut his hair and draw on his face.
[SIGHS] But how are we going to find a car Dad almost won 15 years ago? [HARLEY] Following the only lead we have.
[CHAZ] Tom Diaz, this is Chaz the Mic Man.
Your dad is gonna be so excited about his lobster feast.
You can't wear a bib and dip a BunBurger in melted butter.
I mean, you can, but I've asked him not to.
I can't wait to tell Chloe how I grabbed live lobsters with my bare hands.
If she asks, don't mention they had rubber bands around their claws.
Do you have this in a medium? Sorry, we're closed.
Please? I just need a few things.
I promised my dad I'd take him fishing - for his birthday today.
- [SUZY SIGHS] Mom, how can we refuse a man that's simply trying to reconnect with his father after a falling out over a bad real estate deal? What? He didn't say that.
No.
I'm taking a character workshop in screenwriting.
I'm reading his subtext and filling in the backstory.
Am I right? If it lets me stay, you bet.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Fine.
Hurry up.
Hey, nothing bigger than you can carry.
I'm not strapping a canoe to the roof when I still have to cook dinner for eight.
I'm Mike Justice.
And justice is best served Crimson.
Is this a great show, or what? Yes, it's so good.
It probably can't get any better.
We should watch something else just to see how not-as-good - other things are.
- This is the classic where Mike Justice takes on a ring of corrupt art dealers.
We better hit it, Coupe.
We gotta make it to the airport before that Van Gogh is "Van Gone.
" [COUPE] Crime is wack, bro.
I really hate Harley.
What? I said I really hate that Harley can't enjoy this, too.
[TOM] Mike really nailed those art thieves.
Nothing gets by him.
He's got eyes on the back of his head.
Stop them from taking that Monet and selling it for money.
You two are very similar in that way.
[MIKE JUSTICE] Coupe, look out! [GEORGIE] Well, there goes that lead.
I can't believe they don't have the records - of all the winners from back then.
- I know! All the records they play are from back then.
Hey, this is Chaz the Mic Man spinning the classics while you are stuck in traffic.
Hit me up if you got a request.
The Mic Man is still on air? He gave away a legendary TV car.
He might remember who he gave it to.
Or if we're lucky, maybe he kept it for himself.
Oh! [PHONE LINE TRILLING] You got the Mic Man! Do you remember a talking car you gave away 15 years ago? Is that a song? [CHUCKLES] No, it's a question.
Well, this is the request line.
[HARLEY] Yes, and I'm requesting information on the c [SOUNDBOARD] 1-0, 1-0, 102.
2! 102.
2.
What can I play for ya? Anything Ed Sheeran.
Okay, so about that - [LINE CLICKS OFF] - 1-0, 1-0, 102.
2! You'd think a guy who gets zero callers would appreciate anyone trying to hit him up.
- You try.
- Well [CHAZ] Call in with your favorites! I'm not very good at speaking to authority.
- [LINE TRILLS] - You got the Mic Man! [IN BRITISH ACCENT] Pardon me! Might I trouble you for some info about an autowheelie? Autowheelie? Why are you talking in an accent? Well, I want him to take me seriously.
This is my professional person voice.
Uh, I need a song.
Uh Fish and Chips by Strawberry Bruce.
Okay, we got a lot of weirdos out there.
And in here.
Enjoy this super hit.
The Mic Man will be right back.
He's coming! What are you doing? Can you tell us anything about who won the Crimson Coupe 15 years ago? Oh, the Crimson Coupe.
Uh, let me see.
I think it was a guy by the name of Are you kidding me?! How would I remember that? Now, if you'll excuse me, I only have three and a half minutes to eat my meatball grinder.
Should've put on a longer song! Which gives us three and a half minutes - to ask where the Crimson Coupe is.
- Ask who? Everybody.
"Blimey, guvnor!" You shouldn't be doing this! You'll get us nicked! We're trying to find the Crimson Coupe.
And do you need to keep doing that? Yes, I do.
I'm practicing for when I tell the police I have no idea who you are.
Don't worry.
This is nothing.
I do the morning announcements.
Hey, hey! This is Harley Diaz comin' at ya! I'm asking all my listeners if anyone knows the current location of TV's legendary car, the Crimson Coupe.
[KLAXON HORN BLOWS] There's no time for "ahooogas"! He's coming! Uh, this speedster on wheels is from the show Crimson Justice, and was given away by this very radio station 15 years ago.
Uh, call now with info, and I'll give you a 10% off coupon to Tom's Bait and Bite.
In the meantime, groove on this! [IN ACCENT] Apologies for the oopsie daisy! Mind the gap! You let more people in? Their dingy sprung a leak.
And that's not backstory.
They actually said that.
Well, now we're not gonna have time to stop and buy the lobster bibs.
We both know a bib's not enough for Dad.
We'll grab him a tarp in the boat section.
You can't be such a softy.
Move these people along.
Pretend they're your brothers and shoo 'em away with a paddle.
Oh, yes.
I can see the online review now.
"Great prices, cozy atmosphere.
Oldest boy will shove you out with oar.
" [SIGHS] Guess I have to take care of it.
I'm sorry, but we're closed! Yep, take this and this.
Thank you.
Yep, we're closed.
Okay, thanks.
Hi! [CHUCKLES] We're closed! Closed.
See the sign? Do you know how much trouble I could be in with my station manager? Lucky for me, he got fired years ago, and was replaced by a computer in Rhode Island.
Robot boss, talking car.
Look how much we have in common.
- [SIGHS] - Please don't throw us out.
Us? I have no blooming idea who this one is.
[PHONE LINE TRILLING] [CHUCKLING] Okay! It's 102.
2 where lunches are short and my patience is shorter.
Let's see who's on the request line.
You got the Mic Man! I'm calling about the Crimson Coupe.
[SIGHS] If you let us talk to that woman, we'll leave and never come back.
Now, that's the best request - I've had all day.
- [HARLEY] Yes! What do you got? Can't fight that biker gang without a healthy dose of vitamin A and ranch.
[COUPE] Nutrition's important, bro.
They always tried to subtly work in an important message.
Yes, I'm subtly learning so much.
First thing They say "bro" a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
When I was a kid, me and your uncle Chick made a game out of it.
Every time someone said "bro" we took a slug of milk.
Ooh.
We should do that.
Drink chocolate milk every time someone said "bro.
" I just said "milk.
" I know, but we need to make this our game, Daddy.
[COUPE] Time to take out the trash, bro.
[DAPHNE] Ooh! Drink.
Bye-bye, bikers.
[CHUCKLES] Ooh! Every time there's an explosion, we should eat a brownie.
They blow up a lot of stuff on this show.
- Yeah.
- I'll go preheat the oven.
Yes, my son won the car but he stopped driving it years ago.
He moved away and kind of lost interest.
Having the chance to drive the Crimson Coupe will change our dad's life.
Drive it? I thought you were here to buy it.
It's for sale? Shouldn't you check with your son? Well, maybe he should've checked in with me after I broke my hip last winter.
Oh, it's just taking up space here.
How's 300 bucks sound? I have that much in my slush fund.
It's literally from selling slushies.
The Boi-Zendaya-Berry has been a huge hit this season.
We'll be right back.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING] There's even more people than before.
Dad's homemade potatoes just became instant.
Apparently, Rod's Reel and Deal had a power outage.
We're the only fishing game in town.
And the instant potatoes just became chips.
[SIGHS] It's time to get tough and bounce people.
Yeah.
Let's go, buddy.
Buy it and "bye-bye it.
" And you, there's no fish biting in here.
Take it outside.
I mean, after you pay for it.
[CLANGING] Attention! If you're not out of the store in the next five minutes, I'm releasing the frogs.
[SHOPPERS CHATTERING] [SUZY] Don't test me, people! I'll do it.
[CLANGING] [SUZY] Let's go, we're closed.
Bye, girls.
Good job.
Sorry! That bank was a lot further than I'd remembered.
- Three hundred dollars.
- [GEORGIE SIGHS] And a brochure on senior savings plans where you could put it.
The woman on the front is on a cruise with her dog.
Oh, that's very thoughtful.
The car is yours, girls.
Great! Where is it? I think we just spent $300 to clean another garage.
Any chance you could really quickly invent a garage-cleaning machine? Sure, I'll just work on some sketches while you move the boxes.
Question withdrawn.
Go hard or go home Go, go What you wanna do? Go hard or go home Go home, go, go What you wanna do? Go hard or go home Go home, go, go What you wanna do? Go, go, go, go Go, go What you wanna do? Go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go Go Does this thing actually talk? If so, it better say thank you.
Hmm, all those mouthfuls of dust bunnies and cobwebs are gonna be worth it.
We're gonna make Dad's dream come true.
[ENGINE STARTS] [BRAKES SCREECH] [MOURNFUL MUSICAL FLOURISH] Do you think Dad has a dream to tow the Crimson Coupe? - [CAR SIZZLES] - [HARLEY COUGHS] Be sure to tell your friends we're closed.
[SIGHS] [SIGHS] All right, instead of a festive bib, yummy sides, and fancy china, we've got a tarp, chips, and chipped plates.
But the headliner's lobster.
No one cares about the opening acts anyway.
[ETHAN] They're gone! Someone must've stolen them.
Well, they sure didn't walk out of here on their own.
Right.
I mean, yeah, the coolers are flipped over and there's trails of water leading - all over the store, but - [GASPS] They escaped! There's animals with giant pinchers loose all over the store! Mom, Mom, relax.
They can't hurt us.
They have rubber bands around their claws.
Like those? - Run! Aah! - [SUZY SCREAMING] [BOTH SCREAMING] What a disaster.
Instead of taking on Dad's nightmare, we created a new one.
We didn't clean the garage, and now we're gonna ruin his day off by making him come get us.
Hmm.
He spent all day with Daphne.
Maybe he'll welcome the break.
[TIRES SQUEALING, EXPLOSION] Ooh! Explosion! Brownie me.
[MIKE JUSTICE] I'm beginning to think this ghost town isn't empty.
[COUPE] Spooky.
Mm, cheesy guitar riff.
What do we eat now? Jelly beans? No, churro.
Jelly beans are for when Mike takes off his sunglasses.
[MIKE JUSTICE] and let's do this.
- Oh, there they go.
- These shady cattle ranchers have roped their last prized steer, Coupe.
[COUPE] Giddy up, bro.
[MIKE JUSTICE] Hold on, Coupe.
Let me stretch first.
Ahh, stretching's important.
Oh, teaching a lesson.
Gotta have the broccoli.
Ugh, you had to throw in one healthy food.
[PHONE RINGING] [COUPE] Junk in my trunk.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Harley? Don't tell her what we're doing.
She'll want in.
This is our game, bro.
Ooh! Drink! Mm? What? First things first.
Are you girls okay? - Yeah.
- Yes.
Good.
It's the Crimson Coupe, the Crimson Coupe! How did you get the Crimson Coupe? It was supposed to be your birthday present.
I'm sorry.
For what? For making you miss that message.
The Diazes are notoriously late.
Who did I think I was being six days early? You were just being born.
You didn't know family traditions.
Yeah, but because of me you had to sacrifice the car.
And now you had to sacrifice your day off to come and get us.
You know what that's called? Being a parent.
I knew that when I signed up for it, and I love it.
[SIGHS] Nothing I do for you guys as a dad is ever a sacrifice.
In fact, I got a great idea.
By the time we're done restoring this, it'll be just like it was on the show.
Yeah, so it's not gonna talk.
That was TV magic.
It could with a little Harley magic.
You see? This car is gonna be way better than if I'd won it 15 years ago.
Make sure Coupey knows how to say, "Crime is wack!" I thought it was dumb, but it's kinda grown on me.
- [ALL CHUCKLE] - [DAPHNE] Here.
[LAUGHS] I love being a dad.
[SUZY] Was that in the garage? Man, we really did need to clean that thing out.
The girls got it for me.
Uh, oh.
Sorry.
All we got you was BunBurger like we do every year.
Yeah, and every year it's my favortie.
Favorite burger, favorite car, favorite family.
I have never felt so re-appreciated.
Bring it in! So, are we gonna tell him we didn't clean out the garage? If I get this thing talking fast enough, - we'll have the car break it to him.
- Mm.
[ALL CHATTERING] [SUZY] Should we eat? Let's do it! Best birthday ever! Birthday dinner.
[ALL CHATTERING]